0:00:33 > 0:00:36- There's a call on two. - Hello, good morning.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Hello, Gerry. I've got a sensitive problem I want you to help me with.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm your man.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44About a year and a half ago, I bought the wee daughter
0:00:44 > 0:00:47one of them Native American turkeys...
0:00:47 > 0:00:53- Yes.- ..with the intentions of carving him up last Christmas.- Yes.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57She got very fond of the turkey and we didn't get doing it last year.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00The turkey's become a real pain in the neck this year
0:01:00 > 0:01:03and I was thinking of pushing Gertrude off the perch.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Get that? Turkey, pain in the neck. Turkey neck. Listen...
0:01:07 > 0:01:10No, no, no! No dig at you!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Ah, a thinly disguised dig at me.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18Listen, you bought a turkey in all good faith last year and you,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- in your dark heart, had planned to kill it.- Uh-huh.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26Because your daughter's a normal human being, not like yourself,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28she developed love and feelings for this turkey
0:01:28 > 0:01:31and developed a relationship over time.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35- For a turkey?- This year, you want to kill it, don't you?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- Yes.- Let that turkey live.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Have you ever tried keeping a turkey?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It was your fault for bringing it in.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44That's why people get married.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47They get married and say, "Why did I do that," but they have to keep them.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Basically, I thought I was doing a nice thing.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I had the cranberries and everything last Christmas
0:01:52 > 0:01:55and now I'm stuck with a turkey a year and a half later
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- and I haven't got eating it. - Is it getting bigger?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- It's a monster.- Does it live in the house or does it live outside?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04No, no, it comes in and out just as it pleases.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06GERRY LAUGHS
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- And does she feed it?- Yes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Well, leave her be. Buy a turkey.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13You cannot kill this turkey,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15but to torture it when you bring the turkey,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18dangle it in front of it, and say, "You watch yourself, boy."
0:02:18 > 0:02:20CALLER LAUGHS
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- All right, then.- Thanking you.- Bye!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- There's a man on one. - Hello, good morning.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Hello, Gerry.- Oh, it's Geordie, I thought it was somebody. How are you?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Now, now, now. - I'm sorry, it's the way I talk.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36I don't mean to demean you, but I thought it was someone I had to be polite with.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- There's a call. A gentleman wants to ask Geordie a question.- Hello, sir.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- Hello, is that Gerry? - Yes, Geordie can hear you.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Could you ask when the good weather is coming in?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49"Geordie doesn't know," is the answer.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I've a few wee cows who're very upset. It must be the weather changing. So what could you do?
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- Geordie, did you hear that? - Well, do you know what I'd do?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Feed them and walk them and close them up for a week.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Right.- All right, that seems draconian.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Suppose they want to go to the toilet or the movies or something.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Can't they do it where they are?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I suppose you're right. Does that advice make any sense to you, sir?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I've roosters here at the minute and they're upset.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17It must be... I don't know what's up with them. They're crowing away here.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22Maybe there's no more lead in their pencils. Could be that.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- What do you think, Geordie? - They need a hen. They're frustrated.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- They're no different from us. - Yes, because I have no hens here at the minute, just roosters.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32What are you running there, a gentleman's club?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Would you have...
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I have some of the best crown roosters north, south, east or west.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42It's hens he's looking for. Have you any hens?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- No, I've no hens.- Well, yours are the same, walking round smoking.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51Do you mind there you used to leave your old gold in, to the pawn shop?
0:03:51 > 0:03:56- Excuse me?- Do you mind that? - That's right, yeah.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- They're crowing well, aren't they? - That's not a good crow.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Interpret that crow for us.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I wouldn't call that a good crow.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Cock-a-doodle-doo!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09That's good.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Geordie is the Rooster Whisperer.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13ROOSTERS CROW
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Geordie, those roosters seemed to respond to your call there.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Could you try that again?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Cock-a-doodle-doo!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23ROOSTERS CROW
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I think we'll put a stop to this now. Thank you all very much. Bye.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30It's all right for you sitting there scratching your arse.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I have to sit here and think of things to talk about.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36You just have to react. I'm doing all the hard stuff!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39"Where do you get the listeners who phone into your show?
0:04:39 > 0:04:40"They are hilarious."
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Well, we keep them in a pen in Carrickfergus
0:04:43 > 0:04:45and every once in a while when we need one,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47we get one rounded up and put them on the phone.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:04:54 > 0:04:57E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk