0:00:02 > 0:00:06Stand by, as the listeners to the biggest radio show in the country
0:00:06 > 0:00:08are given their own TV show.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Norman.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Anne-Marie.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Marie.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17Bernie.,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Carmel.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Mervyn and Heidi.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Radio Face is not recorded live,
0:00:31 > 0:00:33but after the programme has finished,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36these are real listeners to the Nolan Show
0:00:36 > 0:00:40continuing the conversation, while I stay in the studio
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and they speak to me from their own homes and cars.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58RADIO: Next up, how often do you shower?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02A new survey suggests four out of five women don't shower every day.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05One third also say they go three days -
0:01:05 > 0:01:08three days! - without washing their body.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10LAUGHTER
0:01:10 > 0:01:11RADIO DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Good morning to you, Tina. And the commentator Anne Miller.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Good morning to you, Anne.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17So one-third of women don't wash for three days.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- RADIO:- Jeepers, I was nearly sick in my own mouth when I read it.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And they're not brushing their teeth. Dirtbirds!
0:01:23 > 0:01:24- LAUGHTER - Dirtbirds!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Dirtbirds is right.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I think these women are ridiculous not...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I mean, not washing.
0:01:35 > 0:01:40I would get a shower every...second or third day.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41If she fits into it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Hang on. My shower is a disabled shower! It's big enough for me.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46- That's fine.- Aye!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Your shower, Jesus Christ, you can't even get into your bloody shower!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56I'm up every morning, seven o'clock, in my shower.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Then out into the kitchen, Stephen Nolan on
0:02:00 > 0:02:02and eating my breakfast.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I have to get washed before I listen to you, Stephen.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Throw it all off and into the shower. So quick and so handy.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And if the washing machine isn't on, I have to do the washing,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15so most days, people keep themselves clean.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19I think, as you get older, there is a smell,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21but you get it and clean yourself.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- RADIO:- I don't jump on the shower every single morning.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30My goodness, I'm the mother of a two-year-old child
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and I work full-time. I also have a number of other hobbies.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:02:35 > 0:02:37If it ain't dirty, don't wash it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- RADIO:- Oh, dear, gosh, no!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43If it ain't dirty, don't wash it? What exactly are we talking about?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46At the end of the day, you don't have to have a shower
0:02:46 > 0:02:48every single day to be clean.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52You can go in and have the way they call it, like a sponge bath.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Keep yourself clean. - Depends who's doing the sponge bath.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Here we go again. - I'd have a sponge bath every day.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02As long as he's gorgeous, she wants to know.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- RADIO:- Do you know what, Stephen? I think this is ridiculous.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I am going to absolutely...
0:03:07 > 0:03:08ALL TALK
0:03:08 > 0:03:11..utterly confess that there are days that I could get up
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and laze about on the sofa with my two-year-old.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19This nasty behaviour of people having to regiment their lives
0:03:19 > 0:03:21by showering daily or doing whatever.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Nobody really, truly leaves the house stinking.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30The lady just equated washing your bits to Nazi behaviour.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Have you ever heard me unhappy? Aren't I always happy?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36That's because I'm clean.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Sometimes, I'm not able in the morning. I'm breathless.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Very often, I wait till 1:30 and I phone my request into Hugo
0:03:43 > 0:03:45and then take the radio into the bathroom
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and have it on the bathroom shelf.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49So I'm keeping myself clean at the same time,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51plus the fact I'm listening and contributing
0:03:51 > 0:03:54to Uncle Hugo's programme.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56THEY SING
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I don't shower every day.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04And I wouldn't really say I smell.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- But I still clean my lady bits. - You don't have to smell...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Every day or every time I go to the toilet,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- I still clean them.- Her lady bits.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12RADIO: Do what?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:17She would clean her private bits. She calls them "the lady bits".
0:04:17 > 0:04:18The lady bits.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21RADIO: What are you doing talking about that on this show for?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It's all part of being cleansed.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27When you sweat, you would sweat all over.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Same as smelly feet, you would wash your smelly feet.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Would you not clean your man bits, if you were going out?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Or would you just rub an old flannel round them?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Some people I know would rub a dry flannel round them and say,
0:04:41 > 0:04:42"I got washed".
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Cos you wouldn't like to walk all the time with sweaty balls.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52It would restrict your way of walking.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER ON PHONE
0:04:58 > 0:05:00RADIO: Where did we get you two from?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- See, there is plenty of character in Belfast, isn't there?- Oh!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10RADIO: Do you think most people shower every day?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Mm, no.- Probably if they're going to work or something, getting up
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- in the morning.- I would say, see people that have...
0:05:15 > 0:05:18The likes of lawyers, people that have to work in an office and that.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21And they have to have a really strong deodorant.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24If not shower, give yourself a good wash and use deodorant.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26You have to shower every day!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Keep yourself nice and fresh.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32That's the only way that men find you attractive.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40If I met a woman on the dancefloor or anywhere else like that,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and she'll move over and start to get very friendly,
0:05:43 > 0:05:44or try to get friendly.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46She'll meet for the first time, well...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48they've all got perfume and a lot of these different things,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50lotions they put on.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53But after, say, the third or fourth day, I met her and there was
0:05:53 > 0:05:55a bit of a hum or a reek,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I would think, then I would call it a day.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01And put her on the transfer list right away.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05I wouldn't like to go out and see a nice man and they say,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07"God, she's nice but, by God, does she hum".
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Excuse me, I had a shower, a lovely shower this morning.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- Did you have a lovely... You can tell.- Oh, yes. I did.- Yes.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- You can smell your soap from here. - Yeah. I did.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- I don't know about you.- Well, I didn't have the shower this morning,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I just damped my hair this morning.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23But if you can't shower every day...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- You could wash your lady bits. - You could at least wash yourself.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29And if yous can smell yourself,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- well, other people can smell you. - Yep.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34You wouldn't want that. Imagine a humming woman.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36God! I mean, seriously.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37No.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40There is a lot of women, and they're right enough,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43that they're really some of them can be very odd.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46There's a herbal way they smell and that.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47And there's no excuse.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49RADIO: Have you ever sat.... I don't do buses,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51but have you ever sat on a bus beside someone that is stinking?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- RADIO:- Yes, I have sat beside stinking people.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And more so, I've got to say, males than females.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I think that fair shocked me.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00A power hose, that's what they need. Get a power hose on to them.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- RADIO:- This may sound a bit sexist or whatever,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04but you expect women to be a bit cleaner.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06ALL TALK AT ONCE Well, that is sexist.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08A big bucket of soap and a power hose.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Put them through a car wash every day.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- RADIO:- I actually think that is a really, really, really
0:07:12 > 0:07:16awful thing to say. And I have many, many male friends
0:07:16 > 0:07:19who certainly jump in the shower a lot more than I do,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- because it's easier for them. - LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:22It's easy to wash. In all honesty.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Yeah, if you're going for a nice slash
0:07:24 > 0:07:27and the next minute, you're shaking somebody's hand!
0:07:27 > 0:07:28LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Or, like, if you went to the toilet before you go and visit your mummy!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34RADIO: You are talking here about washing your hands,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- though, really, aren't you? BOTH:- No!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39We're talking about your man bits and my lady bits.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- His teapot. Does he not wash it? - We're talking about your teapot.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Your spout.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Do you not give it a little rinse when you go?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Or do you not give it a wee rub
0:07:47 > 0:07:50before you put it back in your trousers?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52No, that could work out wrong.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:03RADIO: It's 9am, it's the Nolan Show on BBC Radio Ulster.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06And, of course, the role of the programme is to give you at home
0:08:06 > 0:08:08the chance to have your say.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Pick up the phone.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Let's see who's on line one.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- RADIO:- I think it's about time somebody stood up against
0:08:13 > 0:08:15these power-mad little megalomaniacs.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Well, you're going to have to tell me what you mean by that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- RADIO:- I couldn't believe how lazy and how dirty they were.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- RADIO:- It's an absolute disgrace.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25So what do you think is the answer here?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- RADIO:- You see, you, Nolan, you're out of touch.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28I thought you were up to speed.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- RADIO:- This is a disaster for the people of Northern Ireland.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I think you've been the call of the month.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34- Goodbye.- Bye-bye.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44RADIO: Next up, what about child-free restaurants?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46A Canadian restaurant has come under fire,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49receiving messages of hate and threats after it made
0:08:49 > 0:08:54a decision to ban small screaming children from its premises.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Tina Calder, Niamh Horan with us this morning.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58What do you think, Niamh?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- RADIO:- Look, I am very strongly in favour of this.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03If you wanted spend 50 quid,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05that's how much the babysitter costs these days.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Fuck, we're in the wrong jobs! 50 quid to mind a child.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- RADIO:- 50 quid for a babysitter.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13The last thing they want to do is go out for a nice meal
0:09:13 > 0:09:14at lunchtime or whatever
0:09:14 > 0:09:18and have a bunch of other people's screaming children beside them.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28'Stephen, I'm all for child-free restaurants.'
0:09:28 > 0:09:30'I take the train here from Bangor to Belfast
0:09:30 > 0:09:34'and I have to sit and listen to screaming youngsters, so I have.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36'Whingeing and whingeing.'
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I get on the train, they get off in Belfast.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44When you sit and think about it, children have a right,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- as much as an adult, to eat. - Aye.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49The parents are paying for their meals.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50I used to have a terrible fear,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52going into a restaurant and kids in it
0:09:52 > 0:09:55and one of them threw up.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58And even now, to this day, when you see kids in the restaurant
0:09:58 > 0:10:01and if they throw up, cos I would throw up.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Well, all I've got to say on that one is...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I'm not being cheeky, what I'm saying.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Once upon a time, we were all young ourselves.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- When you're out and about... - My parents had five children,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15and we were all...
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- And any time we went anywhere in public...- That's right.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- ..we were seen and not heard. - Yep, exactly.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- I don't want kids in restaurants. - No, well, I do disagree with you.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- If you were a kid...- When I was a kid, there was no restaurants!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Wilbur and Orville Wright weren't born!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30When I was a kid, there was no cafeterias.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34LIVELY CHATTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:48If anybody wants a child-free restaurant, go to one.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Go to a posh one.- Aye.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Go to one that people can't afford.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Then you get, like, a wee thing in the middle of a big plate.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58RADIO: I can't stand those restaurants, can you?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59- No.- No, I like...
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- I like my food.- Good, wholesome food.- As you can see.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05RADIO: You get a wee pigeon or something,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- in the middle of a fancy plate. Ridiculous!- Mm.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11But then that's where you'll get child-free restaurants.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I would have child-free restaurants,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I'd have carriages that are childfree too, on the train,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19where people can sit in peace
0:11:19 > 0:11:22and not have to listen to whingeing youngsters.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Are you serious, or are you on a wind-up?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27We're talking here about children going to or from school,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30or going out for a meal with their family.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I know it's a child, but, Stephen, you want to be on that train
0:11:33 > 0:11:36when I'm on it. You can't hear yourself speak.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39You go into a restaurant, it would be the same.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42RADIO: You're absolutely right. 100% right.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47No children in the cafeterias and restaurants, no children.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- RADIO:- Do you think we should get the child catcher out for these people?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Because, clearly, they don't want any children in our society at all.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57If you were saying about any other group of people in society,
0:11:57 > 0:12:02you would be called everything from ageist, to sexist, to racist.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Who's going to stand up for these children? Certainly not you people.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Do you know what? I take my kids out and I go out.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12There's nothing my children love more than a wee bit in the cafe.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13- Aye.- And they go in...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- And they start to cry.- They don't start to cry, but you have to teach
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- them how to behave in public. - I don't want to hear
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- when you're teaching them! - This is a good way of doing it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I don't think there should be a blanket ban, I don't think people
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- should be punished for having children.- No, no.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Well, I would be saying put a little notice up.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31A nice little smart notice.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Yeah.- "Please keep your children under control."
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Get them all Velcro suits and stick them to the wall.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Would you like to go into a restaurant and have to sit
0:12:38 > 0:12:42and eat your meal and listen to a youngster beside you
0:12:42 > 0:12:45whingeing from when it goes in to when it comes out again?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47If people want to go to a child-free restaurant,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- let them go, like. - It's up to them.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- BOTH:- It's up to the individual.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54High-five!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56No children are allowed to go anywhere, then,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- until they're at the age of, what? - 15.- 15?- Yeah.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- So, from 0 to 14, they have to stay at home.- Yes.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Just, what, locked up?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- Absolutely.- Lock them up? Yes. Right, OK.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05I'm not being cheeky.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08There's nobody more loud in restaurants than a group of women.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Well, I'll agree with you on that one now.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12I'm up for men-only restaurants!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Well, you're being biased. You're biased.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16THEY LAUGH
0:13:16 > 0:13:18The hen parties and stags...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Yeah, we've been on many...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23We have been on many of them.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27And yes, you have an awful lot of drunkards, but we don't drink with them.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- No, we don't drink, but we still have a good time.- But we still have good craic.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Because then I can remind people the next day what they done and what they didn't do.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36RADIO: Hold on, let's give Jim a segueway.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40An absolute drunk throwing wine about can be dealt with by the police.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44They throw whine on me, it's an assault, and I will report it...
0:13:44 > 0:13:48But if you start planning children from restaurants, Jim,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51what kind of message does that send out about our attitude towards kids?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- It says children should be seen and not heard.- Are you actually...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Oh, my goodness, I can't believe I just heard that.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Can I ask you a question?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01When I go in for a coffee or something to eat, have I no rights?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- If you don't want to be around them, then walk away.- No, YOU walk away!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I want to go in and sit down and have a coffee with
0:14:07 > 0:14:11a conversation and not a child beside me screaming its head of!
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I would have thought your screaming is as piercing as a one-year-old, Mervyn.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Ach, sometimes it is, Stephen. It all depends, you know?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- What lane are you in? - We're going into Holywood.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26But you're... Choose a lane and stick to it.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- I'm in a lane! - You're sort of down the white line.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- That line isn't your guide for driving.- Who's driving? I'm driving. Shut up.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Right...I was on a flight last month,
0:14:34 > 0:14:39so...one child, one child in that flight.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- It was horrible. - But the poor child...
0:14:41 > 0:14:46I'm sure it was as horrible for that child and the parents or whoever it was travelling with.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Well, I don't want to listen to that.- Get earplugs in! - No, I don't want to put earplugs in.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Well, you're going to have to.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54We have to all share this world together.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- The way out of this is...- Maybe that child needed to go somewhere.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59..adult flights only.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Stephen, if you are on the plane going to England
0:15:02 > 0:15:06and you have a child next to you and it's getting its nappy changed
0:15:06 > 0:15:09and you're sitting eating a fish supper, what would you think?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11It's the same in a restaurant.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Would you not feel uncomfortable? Because I would.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19'Some people like to go out for, I don't know, a date or a romantic night out or...'
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Well, you wouldn't be bringing your kids on a romantic night out!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- Put it this way... - You as well just not take the pill and just bring your kids.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28THEY LAUGH
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Anne-Marie, what about if you don't have kids,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33and you want to go out with an adult and have a bit of quiet time?
0:15:33 > 0:15:38- You do not do romantic things during the day.- Aye.- You do it at night.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42You go out for a nice candlelit meal and then you come back
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and then whatever else happens after that.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Radio Face - where the stars of the Nolan radio programme
0:15:59 > 0:16:00get their own TV show.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08RADIO STATIC
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Hardly a walk in the park, this dog-poo business.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18If only it was, because look at this in Ormeau Park in Belfast.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24RADIO: Eamonn Holmes has been on Twitter last night trying to say that I've gone slightly...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- You like Eamonn, don't you? - I do like Eamonn.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- You're quite a fan of Eamonn. - How could you not like Eamonn?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- Eamonn is the best broadcaster... - Ach...- ..to ever come out of Northern Ireland.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33But it's a fact! It's a fact!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Goodness knows if the toxocara worm is in that.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Eamonn Holmes is the longest serving breakfast television presenter ever.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- What's your point?- Ever! - Don't start that.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Anyway, apparently you're buying some kind of convertible flashy sports car.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Are you having some kind of late midlife crisis?
0:16:50 > 0:16:55- The reason I brought Eamonn into it is he thinks I've gone slightly gaga...- We all agree.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56And he's trying to get me to resist.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- I've decided that I want a Cabriolet. - But you're too old for that.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04A convertible car. How can you be too old for a convertible car?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Would you actually ever drive around with the top down?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- I feel like decking you.- Why?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12I'm hardly going to buy a Cabriolet and not pull the top down.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Stephen, do you realise how fat you are?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17You can hardly walk now, you're that fat.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19THEY LAUGH
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Don't get it, Stephen, cos you'll never get in and out of it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23It's a 4x4 you need.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I couldn't get into your convertible, so I couldn't, and I am a lot thinner than you.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30See, I'm getting ganged up on now.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35I think it's mean to say you're too fat for it. Certain types of people can get away with different things.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37What do you mean certain types of people?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Well, older people or younger people or very good-looking people can get away with something...
0:17:41 > 0:17:43SNORING
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You could never get in and out of a convertible car, so you couldn't.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49You're too ugly and too much out of shape for a convertible,
0:17:49 > 0:17:53so you're better sticking to the saloon model you have.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57They'd have to bury you in that convertible, Stephen, cos they'd never get you out of it.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- Is that a car with no roof?- Yeah. - Right.- A car with no roof.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- See, you have to put in... - I'm not a car person, so...
0:18:04 > 0:18:07..a plainer subject for Anne-Marie.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Anne-Marie's simple that way. - To let his hair blow in the wind?
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Aye, hold on, his head's big enough, that's why he needs the roof down.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16RADIO: Vincent in Belfast. Good morning, Vincent.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19'Stephen, before we go any further, I want to tell you, I like you.'
0:18:19 > 0:18:20STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:18:20 > 0:18:23'You probably need a one-seater convertible.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27'I don't think there would be room enough for you to get in. You'd have trouble getting in and out.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30'And he's got a personalised reg as well. He couldn't be more desperate if he tried.'
0:18:30 > 0:18:33You've got a personal registration number? What is it, DICK?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36THEY LAUGH
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Anne-Marie! High-five!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40THEY LAUGH
0:18:40 > 0:18:41High-five!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44RADIO: Have you got a problem with a personal registration number?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46It's a waste of fucking money.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I would love to have a personal registration number!
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Can you picture me?!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Here, Stephen, with all your money?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I'd have SLUT!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55THEY LAUGH
0:18:59 > 0:19:02You get a hat, you get a hat, I get a hat, everybody gets a hat. Look at this.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- RADIO:- You can pretend this isn't the case, but this is clearly what happens.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09'If you're good-looking, you can get away with wearing certain clothes,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- 'because you look stylish and quirky and unique.' - Have you no dicky bows?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15'Whereas if Stephen goes round wearing some kind of tweed ensemble
0:19:15 > 0:19:18'and riding boots driving a soft-top car, you'll look like an eejit.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19'I'm sorry, that is just the way it is.'
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- That's nice.- Oh, good.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- I suppose there's no shirts to fit me in here, no?- Not right now.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27RADIO: Marie in Belfast, are you going to help me here?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29No, you're too big for a car like that.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33How could you get into a sports car with your with your stomach sitting on the steering wheel?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- I'm not that big!- You are.
0:19:35 > 0:19:41Do you not think a convertible's a woman's car or have you something to tell us?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I bet you didn't think you'd be doing this tonight, big boy.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- You can call me Dicky. - Dicky?- Yeah. Or Daddy.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I am not calling you Daddy. THEY LAUGH
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Stephen, you're not the body shape for a convertible.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59If you were tall and slim and all with a convertible,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02you would look at all the nice birds and take them down to Fantasy Island
0:20:02 > 0:20:05and they could look after you. You know, you'd have a bit of company.
0:20:05 > 0:20:11Would it make you feel better jumping up in the mornings and getting into your yellow car?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Would it make you feel happier?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15What's your beef with a yellow car?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Well, then, what colour suit will you be wearing?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Will you coincide with the colour of the shirt with the car?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Are you going to get a shirt and tie to match the car?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Tell you what, at least I pay for my car,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29not like your DLA freebie sitting in the driveway.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Ohhh, I must have hit a fucking nerve with you.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37The DLA wouldn't even fucking give you a yellow fucking car.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40They'd look at you and say, "Just learn to walk."
0:20:40 > 0:20:44It's not a fucking convertible, it's a minibus you need.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46That would suit you down to the ground, Stephen.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49THEY LAUGH
0:20:57 > 0:20:59RADIO: Here's one for us to get our teeth into.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Are some of our over-70s a danger on our roads?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Well, despite being among the safest drivers on the roads,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10more over-70s than ever before are being stopped
0:21:10 > 0:21:15from driving for medical reasons with the number rising by a third in just three years.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17So, here's the question for us.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Should there be an age when you have to retake your driving test?
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Most accidents are among young people, not the elderly.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I've drove for over 50 years, never been in an accident.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Here, Norman, I applaud your confidence,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35but I mean, you're looking at it from your own perspective.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Have you ever looked at it from the person stuck behind you?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41They should be tested with their eyesight.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46They should be tested with their flexibility and everything else.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49But that's discriminating against old people, Anne-Marie.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Anne-Marie's not a driver. - I'm not a driver.- I'm Marie.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56- I know you're Marie, but Anne-Marie can have an opinion on it.- I know!
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Don't fucking shout at me! You know what? I'll shut up. Go, Anne-Marie.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Right, it's lucky she didn't fucking hang up. She usually does.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I think they should be means-tested.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I usually do fucking hang up on people like you.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Old age pensioners, I believe, as a taxi driver,
0:22:12 > 0:22:16old age pensioners are one of the safest drivers on the roads.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18So long as they can see!
0:22:18 > 0:22:24How are you going to get a health check in the state of the health situation at the minute?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26And you want us all to get health checks?
0:22:26 > 0:22:31- Sure, we're lucky we can get into Casualty.- Aye, but it's better than doing that than killing somebody.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35And your senses become debilitating as you get older and that's dangerous.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37What way are you going to do it? Who pays for it?
0:22:37 > 0:22:41If they can afford to keep a car on the road, taxed, insured, petrol in it
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and the upkeep and maintenance of a car and buy a car in the first place, they can afford to pay
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- to have a driving test. - No, you can't charge a pension. - Absolute rubbish.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53RADIO: The journalist Niamh Horan's with us today. Good morning to you, Niamh. What you think?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Well, I think the bottom line of this is saving lives,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and I don't think anybody could argue against that.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02There are stories of people getting heart attacks, strokes at a steering wheel as well.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- It's just about making sure you're in check.- Go on, Bill.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Occasionally an older person does have an accident,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and of course it gets absolute national headlines.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- You lose some of your judgment when you're getting older.- That's right.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15So why shouldn't you have to retake your test?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19You get to 101, their eyesight might have deteriorated, you don't have to retake your test.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24No, you don't, but most older people can be depended upon in absolutely every single...
0:23:24 > 0:23:27You would swear he was pitching for a Werther's Original ad.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You talk about caring, it doesn't matter when somebody gets behind the wheel
0:23:30 > 0:23:33and make a mistake or they can't see 20ft in front of them.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38A lot of people in their 70s are quite capable of driving,
0:23:38 > 0:23:42like myself, and I know when I am not fit to be on the road,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46when I that wandering on the road over the white line,
0:23:46 > 0:23:47then I will pack it in.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Some old people, yes, probably could be all right, and some old
0:23:52 > 0:23:55people probably couldn't, but it's the same with young ones.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Do you not see sometimes the auld fellas driving around at 2mph
0:23:59 > 0:24:02and they can hardly speak when they're driving.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03I know, I don't think that's right.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I honestly don't think after a certain age,
0:24:06 > 0:24:10and I may be age discrimination,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13but there's people out there that are taking everybody else,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15never mind their own life,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18but they are taking everybody else's life in their hands.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21A lot for the people are in denial about their deteriorating health,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24because it's not a nice thing to admit if your eyesight's failing,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27if you have different problems that you didn't have before,
0:24:27 > 0:24:31so it takes other people to caringly and gently say, "Well, maybe we should go and get rechecked."
0:24:31 > 0:24:32It's for your own sakes as well.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35When I start wandering on the road
0:24:35 > 0:24:40and I feel I am liable to cause an accident, then I'll give up driving.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- RADIO:- Judging from Niamh's accent, she's not from Northern Ireland.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- I go down to Dublin, a couple of months...- She's from the south.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56Yep, and I can tell you the drivers down there all need to take their test.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00I think that now is a tiny bit of a generalisation.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Even I'm not saying...- You've been very general all along.- I haven't!
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- I haven't!- You're completely disrespectful to old people.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10You come across as arrogant.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15They have used their car to try and be as independent from being a burden on their family.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Did you ever hear the saying that when you start getting angry you're starting to lose the argument?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You have made me exceedingly angry.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26You've got a big loud mouth and you like to dominate little wee men.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- I'm not a little wee man. I'm a big man.- I won't argue with that either.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I think I'll keep driving as long as I am fit to drive,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- but when I'm not fit to drive, I won't drive.- But how will you know?
0:25:38 > 0:25:43- I will know.- Because you don't. - Yes, I will.- You might be unfit now.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Elderly people are not always the cause of accident.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Many of them are very careful.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50The greatest enemies on the road are some of the women.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53They go to the traffic lights there and they're powdering their face
0:25:53 > 0:25:55or putting their lipstick on or their eye stuff.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Older people can cause more accidents being too careful.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01How can you be too careful?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Because they drive that bloody slow!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Or they're just willy-willy... - Especially on...
0:26:05 > 0:26:09You get behind a Sunday driver and you're lucky even going over 30.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13I mean, you talk about boy racers, but when you drive slowly,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16that's as much of a danger to society.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21And I would say that a lot of pensioners on the roads now actually probably didn't even sit a test.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- RADIO:- When I'm out at night and I'm sitting at the red lights,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27little boy racers are racing off at 80 and 90mph.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29If you can just calm down for a second.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31It needs someone like me to stand up to you.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Old people don't drive with social drugs in them.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Old people don't drive with drink in them.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41You want to pick on an innocent, easily-pickable victim.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Do you see the ones at 70-plus who never did a driving test?
0:26:44 > 0:26:49They need to do it, but the only thing is your memory starts going, and you're going to go in...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- How are you going to go in and remember?- Remember what? - You see when you're...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54THEY LAUGH
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Next time on Radio Face...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Could you picture Royal Avenue full of women breastfeeding children?
0:27:04 > 0:27:09That's the road we'd be going down, so it would, once you bring breastfeeding in.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11All depends who owns the breast.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Absolutely, categorically cannot say that.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- You're disgusting. - Well, that is OK.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19If she's some auld thing...
0:27:19 > 0:27:22They should be made to work and should be made to go out to work.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Maybe if they did, it would put a bit of manners and a bit of breeding into them,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28let them see what real life is like.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- RADIO:- They drive through our land 90% of the time, you know,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33because you're driving through our farmland.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36And, jeepers, we have to go about our work too, you know?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Get off the road.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Well, what do we do, use helicopters?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42You look like something out of Little Britain,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45but you didn't have your PVC stuff on.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46HE RETCHES