:00:18. > :00:25.Hello and welcome to the One Show with Matt Baker. And Alex Jones.
:00:26. > :00:30.Tonight's Guest is a comedian and a chat show host who has led himself
:00:31. > :00:38.bare in his new autobiography exposing everything from his dodgy
:00:39. > :00:44.hip to his back fat! We have all got some. It is Alan Carr! Hello! So,
:00:45. > :00:50.very exciting. You have this new book Alanatomy out. As you would
:00:51. > :00:53.imagine, it is packed to the rafters full of different anecdotes about
:00:54. > :01:00.celebrities. But we also got a mention which we were quite pleased
:01:01. > :01:07.about. Matt will read the passage. Oh, don't! The talking points of the
:01:08. > :01:11.One Show is so disparate the subject matter can veer from exercise bikes
:01:12. > :01:15.to 11 Titus in the blink of alive. And the research chats before you go
:01:16. > :01:26.on the show are always entertaining will stop -- it can veer from
:01:27. > :01:32.elephantitis to exercise bikes. The research chats are before you go on
:01:33. > :01:38.the show. We got our producer to give you the research chats of your
:01:39. > :01:41.life, here is how it went! It is the day before the anniversary of the
:01:42. > :01:51.Battle of Hastings. What do you think of the Normans, Alan? I like
:01:52. > :02:01.Norman Wisdom... Can you do animal impressions? IMing a cab and the
:02:02. > :02:10.driver will think I am having a breakdown!
:02:11. > :02:21.Wades you stand on dogs in lycra? What is your favourite UB40 track?
:02:22. > :02:43.APPLAUSE I hate you! She was going on for
:02:44. > :02:50.hours. I am in a traffic jam going and doing cow noises, people will
:02:51. > :02:55.think what is going on there?! I am traumatised now. Your glasses have
:02:56. > :03:00.steamed up! It is a good job you can do animal impressions because we
:03:01. > :03:11.have some guests and they have just arrived and here they are. A
:03:12. > :03:19.wonderful gaggle of geese! Do you want me to herd them? It is the One
:03:20. > :03:24.Show, why not?! First, Angellica has been given exclusive access to a
:03:25. > :03:33.trial of cutting-edge military technology.
:03:34. > :03:37.I am an bishop just off the coast of Scotland to experience what the
:03:38. > :03:42.Royal Navy have to go through when hunting minds. It is a dangerous job
:03:43. > :03:48.which is why they are planning to roll the help of these guys. I have
:03:49. > :03:51.been given exclusive access to the largest demonstration ever of
:03:52. > :03:55.autonomous vehicles, that is mine hunting robots to you and me, and
:03:56. > :04:02.hear about three systems which collaborated together in a world
:04:03. > :04:06.first. But first, I want to meet the men who make our sees a safer place
:04:07. > :04:10.today. How much of a threat are mines in this day and age? You would
:04:11. > :04:16.think we are a bit more sophisticated in our warfare? They
:04:17. > :04:21.are still a huge threat. They're widely available and cheap on the
:04:22. > :04:24.open market. There are still tens of thousands of mines and bits of
:04:25. > :04:30.unexploded ordnance which frequently wash up on beaches. What are the
:04:31. > :04:34.risks of being a mine clearance diver? Diving in itself is
:04:35. > :04:39.inherently dangerous. We are diving to deep acts and then we are on top
:04:40. > :04:48.of live ordinance which could go bang at any minute. These divers can
:04:49. > :04:53.be in the water within 30 minutes which means I need to get a move on.
:04:54. > :04:57.In just a few minutes, the team are off the ship and ready for action.
:04:58. > :05:02.It is training exercises like this which prepare them for real
:05:03. > :05:09.scenarios so it is crucial they get it right. It is physical and mental,
:05:10. > :05:16.having to remember, if they do go down to a mine they have to approach
:05:17. > :05:21.it correctly. Mine clearance divers can submerge up to 50 metres in yet
:05:22. > :05:28.and have a limited supply of gas. They need to be extremely fit and
:05:29. > :05:32.brave. It is a risky business underwater bomb disposal so I am
:05:33. > :05:36.keen that I have the right guys for the job and I am confident that I
:05:37. > :05:39.have. Having seen the measures the minehunters have to take, I have
:05:40. > :05:44.been invited to the largest ever demonstration of unmanned autonomous
:05:45. > :05:50.systems. Commander Mark Savage was there to tell me what lies in store
:05:51. > :05:53.for the future. The purpose is to demonstrate a trial and experiment
:05:54. > :05:56.with the systems to better understand their capabilities and
:05:57. > :06:01.see if we can accelerate their introduction into service with the
:06:02. > :06:05.Royal Navy. Why is this so important? It offers us the
:06:06. > :06:10.opportunity to reduce the risk to our personnel on the ship and our
:06:11. > :06:15.divers in the water. It also offers great value for money. Some of these
:06:16. > :06:20.systems are not less expensive than the cost of replacing our ships.
:06:21. > :06:24.With a better understanding of what is on display and 40 international
:06:25. > :06:33.demonstrators taking part, I want to find out how it all works. This is
:06:34. > :06:41.your port and starboard control. I think she is turning to much. There
:06:42. > :06:48.she goes. There are also unmanned aerial systems and some believe the
:06:49. > :06:57.surface. Three, two, one. There you go. You have liftoff, the vehicle is
:06:58. > :07:04.now underway. You have sent the vehicle on its mission. The robots
:07:05. > :07:08.gather data and send images back to the control room so the crew can
:07:09. > :07:13.review and determine if it is a target or not. I hear you have had
:07:14. > :07:19.some success? It is a world first, the systems on air, under the sea
:07:20. > :07:24.and under the water were all working collaboratively to achieve the
:07:25. > :07:27.mission, telling us what they were doing. We can see pictures of their
:07:28. > :07:32.work in progress and giving us the post-mission results to analyse. The
:07:33. > :07:36.human is just stepping back and monitoring the progress. Change is
:07:37. > :07:42.always scary, especially when it is machine taking over from man. What
:07:43. > :07:47.this comes down to is saving lives. We'll unmanned vehicles ever
:07:48. > :07:51.supersede us as humans doing that job? Clearly, that is what we are
:07:52. > :08:00.working towards but I think we are away from that. For now? The divers
:08:01. > :08:04.are doing the job. Thank you, Angellica and what an
:08:05. > :08:09.insight into how things are headed. Speaking of how things are headed,
:08:10. > :08:13.your new book picks off where the other one stopped. Ten years have
:08:14. > :08:17.passed, quite a lot has happened but first of all we have to save big
:08:18. > :08:24.congratulations because you recently got engaged!
:08:25. > :08:32.CHEERING I thought, no one looks good in a
:08:33. > :08:38.helmet, do they? That is Paul on the right-hand side. You speak very
:08:39. > :08:45.candidly in the book, you don't hold back, do you? No, I don't! Just
:08:46. > :08:49.inviting the audience what happened when Paul met your parents? Well, I
:08:50. > :08:53.fell in love with him and I thought there comes a time when I have
:08:54. > :08:58.actually got to introduce him to the parents. My dad is this big, tough
:08:59. > :09:05.talking Northern football manager so it is terrifying. Paul is a bit like
:09:06. > :09:10.Sunderland's answer to sue pollard. Things will clash. We were going to
:09:11. > :09:16.take my mum out for her birthday. I looked lovely restaurant in
:09:17. > :09:23.Northampton. Paul was wearing his lime green trousers and I could see
:09:24. > :09:27.my mum pulling a face. She said, pop upstairs and get changed, Allen has
:09:28. > :09:36.got some stuff. He goes upstairs, he is up there for a bit. He says, what
:09:37. > :09:41.about this, Christine? He is wearing my mum's clothes! Skirt, blouse. My
:09:42. > :09:49.dad is standing like the Churchill dog, no, no! Then my dad laughed and
:09:50. > :09:57.we all laughed and it was there. But it was like, don't ever do that
:09:58. > :10:02.again! I was so nervous! But then it was perfect? Gas, perfect! You have
:10:03. > :10:08.lots of lovely stories about Paul and the guests on chatty men because
:10:09. > :10:12.there have been loads. But Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, everyone
:10:13. > :10:17.wants an insight into their lives, what were they like? They were
:10:18. > :10:24.great. They turned up with no entourage. I was expecting
:10:25. > :10:30.bus-loads. They were just there. Kanye had met us on the Friday night
:10:31. > :10:35.Project and told him to come on the show. She was on with Ashley and
:10:36. > :10:40.Pudsey. Do you remember them? We played this music which was like the
:10:41. > :10:50.Congo music and it was so weird because Pudsey the dog got up and
:10:51. > :10:57.put his paws on Kemp is Mac behind. It was the most surreal thing ever.
:10:58. > :11:02.Kim's publicist ran into the gallery, stop! It is not in Kemp is
:11:03. > :11:11.Mac contract to dance with dogs, stop it! Who has that written into a
:11:12. > :11:17.contract anyway? But she did. She was a lot of fun. I could touch her
:11:18. > :11:26.behind. It was like and you down or a baby Bell. I have seen the great
:11:27. > :11:40.Wall of China and the Dalai Lama, it was like and Edam cheese. You know?
:11:41. > :11:43.As we were saying, you do speak very candidly in the book. Who were you
:11:44. > :11:51.most concerned about reading this? You know the phone is going to ring
:11:52. > :11:55.at some point? I don't do Steven Seagal and people like that who did
:11:56. > :12:02.not like me and I did not like him. Some of the diva things going on
:12:03. > :12:07.were crazy like Mariah. She said, I will only be filmed from the left,
:12:08. > :12:17.she wanted the Friday Night Project to be rotated and I said, what are
:12:18. > :12:22.you like?! But I think it is the people around her because she kept
:12:23. > :12:28.asking for massive plates of doughnuts and cookies and french
:12:29. > :12:33.fries. I thought for a minute she had worms. Because she cannot eat
:12:34. > :12:41.all this food because her waist is like that! She might ring up and sue
:12:42. > :12:51.me saying I think she has got worms. That will be interesting for Judge
:12:52. > :12:56.Rinder, went it?! We are thrilled there will be a Chatty Man special
:12:57. > :13:01.but let's put the awful rumours to bed because they were saying the
:13:02. > :13:05.show has been cancelled. It is coming back at Christmas, we are
:13:06. > :13:12.resting it. I have been offered to go back to a Friday, it is eight
:13:13. > :13:15.o'clock called Happy Hour. More of an entertainment show, celebrity
:13:16. > :13:18.guests and fun. When it moved to a Thursday lost something. It feels
:13:19. > :13:27.like a Friday shows I got offered to go on Friday night in a better slot
:13:28. > :13:30.so I took it. I have got to take these chances and see where it goes.
:13:31. > :13:33.Chatty Man is not over and let's try something new for a change.
:13:34. > :13:39.APPLAUSE The book Alanatomy is out now.
:13:40. > :13:46.Whether or not you are a history buff, most of us will have the year
:13:47. > :13:51.1066 etched on our brains. It is etched. Tomorrow is the anniversary
:13:52. > :13:52.of the Battle of Hastings and Gyles has discovered how some people are
:13:53. > :14:05.still living with the legacy. 950 years ago, Britain was and
:14:06. > :14:12.attack. A vicious army led by William of Normandy landed on the
:14:13. > :14:17.Sussex coast. The big battle that followed laid the foundations for
:14:18. > :14:23.the country we know today. It is a common misconception that the Battle
:14:24. > :14:30.of Hastings took place in Hastings. It didn't, it took place about six
:14:31. > :14:37.miles inland over there. But the legacy of that historic event still
:14:38. > :14:41.lives on in Hastings today. With the 950th anniversary of the battle
:14:42. > :14:46.looming, photographers Nigel and Andrew wanted to connect the locals
:14:47. > :14:49.with their history. They came up with the idea of photographing
:14:50. > :14:57.people whose names can be traced back to the Norman invaders. Well,
:14:58. > :15:01.there are 14 accredited names of the barons and nights that fought with
:15:02. > :15:06.William in the battle itself, so we sent out a call for those 40 names,
:15:07. > :15:11.anybody who has those names can come forward can come forward and be part
:15:12. > :15:15.of the project and part of the story. Andrew and Nigel have
:15:16. > :15:20.photographed over a dozen residents keen to learn more about their
:15:21. > :15:25.surnames' French connection. Sue Warren, a local teacher, was the
:15:26. > :15:33.first to sign up for the project. Your surname is Warren, that doesn't
:15:34. > :15:40.sound like a very Norman name, is it? My ancestor was one of the jokes
:15:41. > :15:44.that came over with William the Conqueror, his cousin, actually. And
:15:45. > :15:51.in return, he was given land in 13 counties. We stem from amazing
:15:52. > :15:56.roots. Sue is just one of a small army of modern-day Normans learning
:15:57. > :16:03.about themselves. Your name is Colin Jen Ehr, where does that come from?
:16:04. > :16:12.We were the engineers who made the prefabricated castles. How do you
:16:13. > :16:17.pronounce your surname, what happened to the family? A lot of
:16:18. > :16:24.them went to Birmingham, and they changed their name to Grosvenor.
:16:25. > :16:31.Still the wealthiest landowners in the land? And you are down here
:16:32. > :16:35.winkle picking in Hastings! Not everyone can trace their family
:16:36. > :16:41.history back 1000 years, but it is believed all these names have their
:16:42. > :16:44.origin in the Norman conquest. According to historian Celia, the
:16:45. > :16:47.surname itself is a Norman invention. People would often have
:16:48. > :16:54.been known by a nickname, surnames are a registry names, and that was
:16:55. > :17:01.introduced by the Normans. My name is Gyles Brandreth. Brandreth is a
:17:02. > :17:05.locket of, a place name, your middle name is very likely a Norman name.
:17:06. > :17:12.That is close enough for me. The portraits are going to be displayed
:17:13. > :17:17.in a rather unusual occasion, bus shelters in the city centre. This is
:17:18. > :17:26.our art gallery. A street installation, install, off you go!
:17:27. > :17:31.Are you excited, nervous? I can't wait, I'm really excited to see what
:17:32. > :17:35.it looks like. What about being on a bus stop? A great idea, so many
:17:36. > :17:44.people will see it who wouldn't have gone to a gallery. Wow! Wow, I
:17:45. > :17:49.agree. That is fantastic, a really great photograph. Well done, you are
:17:50. > :17:54.right to be proud. What is in a name? Almost 1000 years of history,
:17:55. > :18:01.that is what. What a lovely idea that is! Gyles
:18:02. > :18:06.was here, as we can see, so the Normans brought the surname. They
:18:07. > :18:10.brought the idea of the surname, a surname that you could inherit.
:18:11. > :18:16.People were named, they were called by names, if you were a baker, you
:18:17. > :18:20.would be cold Baker, but by the 14th century, the idea of a name that
:18:21. > :18:28.would be passed your children, surnames as we now know them, that
:18:29. > :18:35.took 700 years to happen. Alan, you might be surprised to hear that we
:18:36. > :18:45.have turned the studio into a Carr showroom! Sarah Carr is about to
:18:46. > :18:49.give birth. I am not the father! We have the own and her mother,
:18:50. > :19:00.Margaret Carr, good evening. And there is even an Allan Carr. They
:19:01. > :19:03.are celebrating 25 years of marriage.
:19:04. > :19:07.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A lovely way to celebrate!
:19:08. > :19:14.Gyles, everyone wants to know where the surname Carr comes from with the
:19:15. > :19:20.double R. I can tell you that it comes from the North of England, and
:19:21. > :19:27.it means a bog dweller. LAUGHTER
:19:28. > :19:35.It would be, wouldn't it?! Those who come up from the swamp our
:19:36. > :19:43.Carrs. Sorry, everyone! But being called Alan, that is a Celtic's
:19:44. > :19:47.Saint's name, and it originally meant bold, handsome, beautiful.
:19:48. > :19:53.Beautiful bogged well, thank you so much! You have given with one hand
:19:54. > :19:58.and taken with the other. It is a nice balancing act. It became a very
:19:59. > :20:07.popular name with the Normans, Alan. You were a popular bog dweller. Alan
:20:08. > :20:14.is dying out, we are on the list with the black rhino, no, it is
:20:15. > :20:18.true. You never know! Gyles, it is good to know, you always got good
:20:19. > :20:23.suggestions, what are you reading? This was given to me by one of my
:20:24. > :20:28.children, your marvellous autobiography, Alan, and I am loving
:20:29. > :20:33.it, I love the picture taken in younger, happier days. I have just
:20:34. > :20:38.got to page 37, about halfway down, and I see the following line -
:20:39. > :20:47.apparently, Gyles Brandreth is a borderline cretin! Is this... Did
:20:48. > :20:57.you write this book yourself? Oh, it is because... I did! And speaks like
:20:58. > :21:01.Nell in that Jodie Foster film. That doesn't help! I was talking about
:21:02. > :21:11.counts down, where sometimes they help you with words. It was a joke,
:21:12. > :21:16.I put it in as a joke! And it is also misspelt. Well, you called me a
:21:17. > :21:28.bog dweller! I am trying to find you a tissue. The good news is I have
:21:29. > :21:33.corrected all the punctuation, for the paperback my name will be
:21:34. > :21:37.correctly spelt. I am so embarrassed! We will have to leave
:21:38. > :21:43.at there! I am afraid we will have to leave at there! You can get your
:21:44. > :21:50.own back. I love a nice bog dweller. You know? Gentlemen and bog dweller,
:21:51. > :21:57.a double act. We are going to be due against each other, Kevin has been
:21:58. > :22:06.to meet a gaggle of rowdy birds in elderly who have left some of the
:22:07. > :22:11.locals spitting feathers. -- in Ilkley. They say that birds of
:22:12. > :22:17.a feather flock together, but what about when they also honk together?
:22:18. > :22:22.It is a noise that 86-year-old Philip is well used to. Ever since
:22:23. > :22:28.he was just seven, he has had a gaggle of geese on his land in
:22:29. > :22:33.Ilkley, West Yorkshire. After 79 years, a complaint about the honking
:22:34. > :22:42.means they face eviction. Who is this fella? These a friendly one. A
:22:43. > :22:50.friendly one, is he? I have been here all my life, they are nice to
:22:51. > :22:55.look at, it is my pleasure. How did it make you feel when you heard
:22:56. > :23:01.about the complaint? Well, I was in shock, you know, because in all
:23:02. > :23:05.these years nobody has complained. But that changed in May with a
:23:06. > :23:08.single call to Bradford Council complaining about the honking of the
:23:09. > :23:13.geese and the banging of the tin cans that Philip strung up to keep
:23:14. > :23:18.foxes at bay. An abatement order gave him 21 days to stop the noise.
:23:19. > :23:26.Any further honking or clanking could mean fines of ?500 a day and
:23:27. > :23:33.losing his birds altogether. It is part of nature, isn't it? It is like
:23:34. > :23:37.being in the countryside. D-Day for them was back in June, but Philip
:23:38. > :23:47.and his knees are seeking leave to appeal. Hi, Liz. Come in. They have
:23:48. > :23:51.been here full 79 years, we have always had poultry on that land,
:23:52. > :23:57.they have been part of the family for ever. What kind of effect has
:23:58. > :24:01.been noticed had on your uncle? He's 86, he is afraid of losing his pets.
:24:02. > :24:05.If he didn't have that, he would not have the excuse to do his daily
:24:06. > :24:13.exercise, and that would be detrimental to his health. The case
:24:14. > :24:15.has rustled others locally, with neighbours signing a petition to
:24:16. > :24:20.save the flock. We started to form a campaign, it has involved all of
:24:21. > :24:26.these residents, and they say they are part of Ilkley. Philip's family
:24:27. > :24:29.actually build these houses. You are not talking about something that has
:24:30. > :24:35.been introduced, it has been here all that time. I love having them
:24:36. > :24:41.here, it was such a plus when I moved to here, it is a bit of rural
:24:42. > :24:46.life. If they were not here, would you miss them? Oh, gosh, it would be
:24:47. > :24:52.horrible, my grandchildren love to go and see them. It would be a sad
:24:53. > :24:57.loss, really sad loss. But does the anonymous complainant have a point?
:24:58. > :25:03.After all, a gaggle of these is not the quietest of neighbours. I am no
:25:04. > :25:08.expert, but Richard Whitaker of Environmental Noise Solution is, and
:25:09. > :25:12.he has a noise meter to tell us whether the geese and the tin cans
:25:13. > :25:17.constitute a noise menace. Is this the kind of equipment the council
:25:18. > :25:23.would use? Yes, something similar. Noisy neighbours were at the root of
:25:24. > :25:28.nearly half of the 2350 complaints to Bradford Council's environmental
:25:29. > :25:32.health team last year. And that is the same for councils across the
:25:33. > :25:36.country, with more than 20,000 complaints a month, making noise the
:25:37. > :25:41.number one nuisance. Obviously, you have been taking some measurements,
:25:42. > :25:45.what have you found? I have been up close, and it has been perfectly
:25:46. > :25:50.acceptable. At a distance, it is not. It is down to opinion, you
:25:51. > :25:55.cannot control what they are doing. The expert opinion is that the jury
:25:56. > :25:59.is still out. Meanwhile, Liz has been up before the beak at Bradford
:26:00. > :26:06.Magistrates' Court and has some good news. The case was listed as for
:26:07. > :26:13.appeal, which is great. Between now and the 15th of November, we are
:26:14. > :26:17.going to be in contact with the council to discuss ways in which the
:26:18. > :26:22.situation could be resolved. If it cannot be resolved, we will go to
:26:23. > :26:30.appeal. What is the ideal situation, the ideal solution? Just getting the
:26:31. > :26:34.council to tell me whether to get rid of them or not. If they tell me
:26:35. > :26:38.to get rid of them, they will have to go, I suppose. There has not been
:26:39. > :26:42.a dickie bird from the loan complainant, so what do the geese
:26:43. > :26:52.make of it? Would you like to stay, girls? That is a yes if ever I heard
:26:53. > :26:56.one! Unbelievable that all of that can
:26:57. > :27:00.come from them. I really hope he does not lose his case, but we are
:27:01. > :27:05.about to hold our very own wild goose chase. We have got David and
:27:06. > :27:09.Barbara here with some beautiful gays, and the idea is that we are
:27:10. > :27:20.going to do a little coarse and pen them at the end. -- geese. We are
:27:21. > :27:27.going past gaggle gate, around the gooseberry bush, a full circle
:27:28. > :27:30.around gander meander, passed down honker's corner and into the pen.
:27:31. > :27:39.Who will get their hands on the golden goose?! Are you ready? Off
:27:40. > :27:44.you go! How do you get them going? Gyles is in position, off and
:27:45. > :27:53.running towards gaggle gate, doing well, Alan is slow off the mark.
:27:54. > :28:01.Gyles, you need to get them back on track, all in one group now, a
:28:02. > :28:06.massive gaggle! Look at this! This is a wonderful drive from Gyles
:28:07. > :28:09.Brandreth, lovely stuff, he has gone around in a clockwise direction,
:28:10. > :28:15.working well, pushing forward to what is... He has completely ignored
:28:16. > :28:19.honker's corner! I am going to have to get involved, I am going to give
:28:20. > :28:28.you a hand, Gyles, let's get these beautiful Brecon buffs in there.
:28:29. > :28:33.Here we are, look, there we are, David. Alan and the gaggle behind
:28:34. > :28:39.are well behind, this looks good to me, Gyles, put that in, put that in!
:28:40. > :28:44.Gyles is in! Hang on, that will do! Let me help you with this as well,
:28:45. > :28:50.get ready, Alan, close the gate, that will do! That will do indeed!
:28:51. > :28:57.Congratulations! This is what comes of being assaulted with Countryfile!
:28:58. > :29:07.Thank you for being such a good sport, Alan! Thank you so much! That
:29:08. > :29:10.is all bought a night. Tomorrow Richard Osman and Gordon Ramsay will
:29:11. > :29:14.be here, see you then!