:00:18. > :00:24.Hello and welcome to The One Show, we are live from the Edinburgh
:00:25. > :00:29.Festival, with Alex Jones. And Patrick Kielty. It is the biggest
:00:30. > :00:34.arts festival in the world, 50,000 shows and half a million visitors,
:00:35. > :00:40.is there anywhere better? The sun is shining, we are not coming home!
:00:41. > :00:45.That is it! Over the next three days we will be here in the BBC Festival.
:00:46. > :00:54.We have some of the best acts in the world, and the best audience in the
:00:55. > :01:02.world. Definitely. And look at this. We have one of the best views in the
:01:03. > :01:10.world. Check this out. It is a perfect spot. I am pretending this
:01:11. > :01:16.gym is water! We are surrounded by very funny people,... Not at the
:01:17. > :01:23.moment! But few funnier than this man.
:01:24. > :01:36.Two Choc ices, please. It is Fletcher. That's right. Norman
:01:37. > :01:41.Stanley. 2- to- 32. Next of kin. My bill of. She is not so little. I
:01:42. > :01:47.said, I shall never get over you, I will have to go around.
:01:48. > :01:52.That was 40 years ago, can you believe it is back? We have the star
:01:53. > :02:00.of the remake, the man of the moment, Kevin Bishop. Nice to see
:02:01. > :02:05.you. Nice to be here. Thanks for popping in. It is the loveliest day
:02:06. > :02:11.in Edinburgh I have ever experienced. It was the hottest I
:02:12. > :02:15.have ever been in Scotland earlier. It is the second hottest I have been
:02:16. > :02:21.in Scotland. The Commonwealth Games were really hot. You are hot in the
:02:22. > :02:25.showbiz sense, you have your big premiere tonight. How are you
:02:26. > :02:31.feeling? I am nervous, I want people to see it and enjoy it, but I am
:02:32. > :02:37.excited. It is a big deal. It is a big deal for me. It is my favourite
:02:38. > :02:43.sitcom of all time. To be part of it is exciting. We will find out about
:02:44. > :02:47.it later, the premiere in 25 minutes, hold your nerve. We have
:02:48. > :02:56.the First Minister Nicola Sturgeon joining us later, and music. Stay
:02:57. > :03:02.tuned for that. It is exciting. It is the final week in Edinburgh, they
:03:03. > :03:07.give out the awards. The best jokes. They have just said what the best
:03:08. > :03:11.joke is which we will tell you about later. We thought we do our
:03:12. > :03:19.favourites. Kevin, what would be yours? My favourite one-liner? When
:03:20. > :03:26.sugar is thinking of names for Del Boy's baby, he says, if it's a girl,
:03:27. > :03:35.name it sick or in a after the actress, and if it is a boy, College
:03:36. > :03:42.Rodney, after Dave. Luckily, we are out of time for hours! Three Bears
:03:43. > :03:51.in the airing cupboard, which one is in the Army? The one on the tank.
:03:52. > :04:00.What do you mean? Come on, Edinburgh! As you can see, the
:04:01. > :04:09.one-liner is sometimes easy, sometimes it is not, so we sent's we
:04:10. > :04:18.set out to find the secret of the perfect one-liner.
:04:19. > :04:23.Hello. You probably noticed there is something different about me. It is
:04:24. > :04:31.the haircut. Or perhaps it is my walk. Or maybe it is the fact that I
:04:32. > :04:43.am talking to you through an iPad. I started out in a disabled tribute
:04:44. > :04:49.band for Steps. We were called Ramps. Nothing wrecks the ice like a
:04:50. > :04:53.good one-liner. I might not be able to speak, but a quick joke reassures
:04:54. > :05:00.the audience that somebody with cerebral palsy can be funny. Even if
:05:01. > :05:06.I sound like a posh RoboCop. But what makes the perfect one-liner? Is
:05:07. > :05:15.that two ships I can see or just the one-liner? How many men does it take
:05:16. > :05:22.to tile a bathroom? One, if you slice him very thinly. Why does the
:05:23. > :05:28.one-liner have more longevity than road runner on Red Bull? Darron
:05:29. > :05:33.Rahlves, last year's winner of the funniest joke of the Edinburgh
:05:34. > :05:40.Fringe, offers his take. Why do you think the one-liner is so appealing?
:05:41. > :05:43.I have a short concentration span, I think it appeals to audiences who
:05:44. > :05:48.also have a short concentration span. I was at the estate agent,
:05:49. > :05:54.dated what know what the abbreviation for apartment was, I
:05:55. > :05:59.thought, that is apt. At the very least, I would say you are on a
:06:00. > :06:03.roll. He is trying to get a rise out of me! They are word puzzles that
:06:04. > :06:10.you don't want to make too difficult or too easy. What social night's
:06:11. > :06:23.social networking site to chickens used? Face-buck-buck. I am a
:06:24. > :06:28.comedian, it would be cruel not to laugh at me. Would you like to help
:06:29. > :06:35.me come up with a new one-liner for my show? Absolutely. What kind of
:06:36. > :06:41.joke? Something about Edinburgh being inaccessible. Have you visited
:06:42. > :06:47.as a tourist? I went to the castle, but I did not get very far. I just
:06:48. > :06:53.stood there the in thought. That is good. You could start shouting the
:06:54. > :06:58.word castles and claim you had Tourette's. The least they could do
:06:59. > :07:08.is install railing that go into your venue. You might be on the right
:07:09. > :07:14.track. It is rail-ly good. The unveiling of a new joke. But they
:07:15. > :07:21.laugh or throw things? There is only one way to find out. I do realise
:07:22. > :07:26.that it is ironic that a disabled comedian is playing one of the most
:07:27. > :07:31.inaccessible cities in the world. Last year I applied to Edinburgh
:07:32. > :07:42.Council to get a stair lift fitted, but they just could not escalated.
:07:43. > :07:50.It is edgy and funny. I enjoyed the one-liner jokes, I appreciate
:07:51. > :07:53.wordplay. I am blind, and so I empathise with a lot of the
:07:54. > :07:59.situations he was talking about, very funny. All that is left for me
:08:00. > :08:07.to do now is Basque in my glory and hope that Darren was not expecting a
:08:08. > :08:11.new -- any writer's these. Those are the jokes we could
:08:12. > :08:17.broadcast, you have to see him live. He was on the red button last year,
:08:18. > :08:24.fantastic. It should be behind the red button, I would say, some of
:08:25. > :08:28.those jokes. We have to talk Porridge, why should we tune in? It
:08:29. > :08:35.is the same writers, most importantly. But it is a reboot. It
:08:36. > :08:43.is not a remake, it is contemporary, the modern-day. I play Fletcher's
:08:44. > :08:47.grandson. It is not trying to be Fletcher, it is a relation? That
:08:48. > :08:55.would be a bad idea. We saw a funny clip with Wally Barker. The tumour
:08:56. > :09:03.was acceptable in the 70s. I do having to go all PC? We live in PC
:09:04. > :09:11.times. We have had to adapt it a bit. But we don't feel like we have
:09:12. > :09:15.sacrificed much. There are a key changes, we have a clip here. The
:09:16. > :09:25.yoga mat. I don't think we had them in the 70s.
:09:26. > :09:30.Yoga, Fletcher? Yes, it is all the rage. I bet you have noticed a drop
:09:31. > :09:44.in aggro and mayhem. I do it all the time. Do a dog. I beg your pardon?
:09:45. > :10:13.Basic yoga move, Fletcher. Downward dog.
:10:14. > :10:19.It is his grandson, but there are similarities in the way you play the
:10:20. > :10:26.character, slightly. It skips a generation. My dad is straightlaced
:10:27. > :10:33.and boring. We felt it skips a generation. It has missed him but it
:10:34. > :10:37.has landed on me. Ronnie Barker was your hero, these are big shoes to
:10:38. > :10:43.fill, how did you feel when you got the call? Weight you excited or
:10:44. > :10:49.nervous? I thought it was a mistake. I was nervous. I still am. I thought
:10:50. > :10:54.it would be a terrible idea, but when they said it was the original
:10:55. > :10:59.writers, I thought, if you like Porridge, the chances are you will
:11:00. > :11:04.like this. We are only good as the lines we get. The writing is still
:11:05. > :11:12.brilliant. He looked very at home in jail. There is an air of a wrong
:11:13. > :11:18.one. It is important to get the twinkle across. We wanted to have
:11:19. > :11:25.that twinkle. He is the guy that everybody looks to, the cookie's
:11:26. > :11:32.nest, that people are looking for, to get them out. They wanted to have
:11:33. > :11:40.that. Is it true you were one of the only kids sucked from Grange Hill
:11:41. > :11:46.for misbehaving? -- sacked? How? My mum is so proud! I am the only
:11:47. > :11:53.person to be expelled from a fictional school! What had you done?
:11:54. > :11:58.I was very naughty. I had a lot of energy, we did not have a lot of
:11:59. > :12:04.room will stop we had to behave and be professional, and I was under. We
:12:05. > :12:11.will let you go now. The screening is happening in 20 minutes. Nervous
:12:12. > :12:14.about the reaction? No, I am looking forward to everybody seeing it. We
:12:15. > :12:24.look forward to seeing it. Thank you.
:12:25. > :12:37.Porridge is part of the BBC's sitcom series, going out at 9:30pm on BBC
:12:38. > :12:42.One. We also have Are You Being Served, which we will talk about on
:12:43. > :12:48.Friday. I'm free. We have put Jack Docherty for tomorrow. This is
:12:49. > :12:54.awkward! We will have the First Minister Nicola Sturgeon in a
:12:55. > :12:58.second. But first, we are going over to one of our favourite poets, she
:12:59. > :13:07.has written a piece especially for The One Show.
:13:08. > :13:13.I was born in Edinburgh in 1961. I was adopted and brought up in
:13:14. > :13:18.Bishopbriggs, just outside Glasgow. I love the buzz of Glasgow, I was
:13:19. > :13:27.often taken to the theatre, to poetry readings. When I was a girl,
:13:28. > :13:31.I never stop talking. Writing poetry is a way of talking to yourself on
:13:32. > :13:37.the page, you create characters and other voices, and that came from
:13:38. > :13:43.being in an enthusiastic family that communicated. My mum and dad were
:13:44. > :13:51.great hikers and hill walkers. At the weekend they would come and we
:13:52. > :13:58.had a lot of time exploring woods and wide-open spaces. My mum and dad
:13:59. > :14:04.loved being out and about, they love their holidays. When they first met,
:14:05. > :14:10.my dad said to my mum, what do you want? Do you want a rucksack or a
:14:11. > :14:15.wedding ring? We have not got the money for both! My mum said, I would
:14:16. > :14:20.like a rucksack, please. Five years later she bought her own wedding
:14:21. > :14:27.ring. My dad with his friends, they came in September, and they stayed
:14:28. > :14:32.in a croft. My dad called at a magnificent DOS. He would tell me
:14:33. > :14:36.stories. These grown men reading poems to each other, I loved that,
:14:37. > :14:42.because they were quite match oh, and I love the idea of them loving
:14:43. > :14:49.poetry. By the time they came into the landscape, it was already a
:14:50. > :14:52.story. When The One Show asked me to pick my favourite place in Scotland,
:14:53. > :14:56.I picked here, not just for the times I have been here myself, but
:14:57. > :15:01.for all of the stories I have heard about from my dad, who loved this
:15:02. > :15:06.place since he was a boy of 14, and he is now 91. I thought, this land
:15:07. > :15:08.has held our family over the years, and it will hold our family when we
:15:09. > :15:27.are gone. This is my poem. Back here, the iron
:15:28. > :15:32.line crosses the future past, my father will surely be seen, tracking
:15:33. > :15:38.the sodden and lonely land, weekenders together are trudging
:15:39. > :15:51.through the ancient pinewoods, the strong smell of red deer. My father,
:15:52. > :16:03.here on the moor, years and years after his garden, big hikes across
:16:04. > :16:15.time, September weekend or Easter, far-flung. On the west side, to the
:16:16. > :16:21.old crofter's burnt out Croft, still magnificent DOS and he will doss
:16:22. > :16:33.there. He will rest, rest, till finally refreshed, Granollers more,
:16:34. > :16:48.beloved place, the best, the best back here. Was in a beautiful?
:16:49. > :16:53.Beautiful. A round of applause for Jackie Kay. We are joined by one of
:16:54. > :16:58.Jackie Kay's biggest fans, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon
:16:59. > :17:02.is here. CHEERING Lovely to see you. Glad to be here.
:17:03. > :17:08.Probably the best supported politician in the whole world. You
:17:09. > :17:12.are sort of the Queen of the Edinburgh Festival now. I think that
:17:13. > :17:17.is stretching it a little bit. I think you are, do you have a special
:17:18. > :17:21.backstage pass which can get you everywhere? I wish I did, a
:17:22. > :17:25.backstage pass and get to go to much more of the festival and The Fringe.
:17:26. > :17:29.It is brilliant, Edinburgh is absolutely buzzing. The weather,
:17:30. > :17:32.people tell you it's not always like this in Scotland, it is always like
:17:33. > :17:51.this in Scotland! The sun always shines, don't let
:17:52. > :17:54.anyone tell you otherwise. You have some of the best writers here at the
:17:55. > :17:56.festival showcasing their work. You are all about getting Scottish
:17:57. > :17:59.children reading at the moment with this new initiative. Schemes like
:18:00. > :18:01.this up and down the country. What is your scheme and how does it work?
:18:02. > :18:03.Only set a challenge, the First Minister's challenge. We have
:18:04. > :18:05.experts compiling a long list of children's books, some classics,
:18:06. > :18:09.modern books and challenging kids in primary schools to read as many as
:18:10. > :18:13.they can and then write book reviews and we will give prizes to children
:18:14. > :18:17.and schools. It is really about trying to get kids enthusiastic
:18:18. > :18:21.about reading. What motivated me to do it if I remember how much
:18:22. > :18:26.enjoyment I got from reading books when I was young and so many happy
:18:27. > :18:45.memories. Is it true on your 15th birthday you hid under the
:18:46. > :18:49.table and missed your party because you are reading a book? I was a bit
:18:50. > :18:52.of an anti-social child. My mum threw a party for me. I was five
:18:53. > :18:55.years old and everyone else is playing ring ring of roses. I was
:18:56. > :18:57.under the table reading a book and refusing to come out. I have got
:18:58. > :19:00.better at socialising with people since then but some times I would
:19:01. > :19:02.still rather be under the table reading. Your favourite book? The
:19:03. > :19:07.book I chose and it was tough, was Enid Blyton, five treasure Island.
:19:08. > :19:11.Some said you shouldn't encourage kids to read the famous five any
:19:12. > :19:14.more because they are old-fashioned but they are classics, you wouldn't
:19:15. > :19:19.say that about Jane Austen, don't read it because it is old-fashioned!
:19:20. > :19:23.I loved that, the adventure, losing yourself in the story. Kids these
:19:24. > :19:27.days, so many more distractions but we should encourage them what it's
:19:28. > :19:32.like to get lost in the beauty and magic of a story. What you are
:19:33. > :19:37.saying is forget about Pokemon go and get yourself a book? I'm not
:19:38. > :19:43.sure how that would go down with My nephews, but you can do Pokemon go
:19:44. > :19:47.but try reading as well. We're not going to get kids to give up their
:19:48. > :19:52.tablets and phones and everything but there are other things to do.
:19:53. > :19:57.Turning it into a competition is a brilliant idea. You can read on your
:19:58. > :20:01.iPad or your phone as well. It is different these days but the magic
:20:02. > :20:06.of reading a book will never be lost, hopefully. Here at the
:20:07. > :20:11.festival, loads of comedians, loads of Scottish comedian, who is your
:20:12. > :20:17.favourite here at the Festival? My favourite comedian is Kevin bridges.
:20:18. > :20:22.I've been listening to him here. I am looking to the reboot of
:20:23. > :20:27.Porridge. I am just about old enough to remember Porridge the last time
:20:28. > :20:33.round. Behave yourself, you are the same age as me, you remember it from
:20:34. > :20:38.the first time round! I am allowed to spin the truth! I thought you
:20:39. > :20:48.were much older than me, there's no way we are the same age! And he's
:20:49. > :20:55.off! Welcome to Scotland. Can we put you on the spot and asking for your
:20:56. > :21:04.favourite joke? How do you make lady Gaga cry? Poke her face. Nicola
:21:05. > :21:10.Sturgeon will be appearing at the assembly rooms with her stand-up
:21:11. > :21:15.show poke her face. We were talking earlier about the winner, we have it
:21:16. > :21:21.here, it is, my dad has suggested I register for a donor card, he's a
:21:22. > :21:27.man after my own heart! Very good. Delivery? It was all right, was a
:21:28. > :21:34.neck? It was all right. So far we've had average comedy. We've had early
:21:35. > :21:43.poetry. I think we probably need better than average music. Lets have
:21:44. > :21:50.a go, here is Cerys and a funky floor show which was anything but
:21:51. > :21:55.average. Back in 1975 picked up the pieces by the average White band
:21:56. > :22:02.became a number one hit in America. And it went on to become an all-time
:22:03. > :22:09.funk classic, with an unusual twist. You might be surprised to learn that
:22:10. > :22:13.the Average White Band were a white band from Dundee, so how did they
:22:14. > :22:17.get into funk and create one of the biggest hits of the 90s? To get the
:22:18. > :22:22.inside story I've come to London's Denmark Street, the spiritual home
:22:23. > :22:28.of Britain's music industry, where I am meeting up with two of the
:22:29. > :22:32.original band members. Hi, how are you doing, thank you for meeting me
:22:33. > :22:37.today. Why have you brought me to Denmark Street in the glorious
:22:38. > :22:42.British weather? Well, this is where it all started for all of us after
:22:43. > :22:48.we gravitated from Scotland one by one. It was like the Noah 's Ark of
:22:49. > :22:52.the music business. Regent sounds sells guitars today, but as you can
:22:53. > :22:55.see from the original sign, it used to be a recording studio and is
:22:56. > :22:59.where the band recorded some of their first tracks together. The
:23:00. > :23:04.door was about here into the studio. What was on the wall? The stuff that
:23:05. > :23:10.was on the wall was pretty much like that. What does it feel like to come
:23:11. > :23:16.back again? Kind of sentimental. Lots of big names recorded here, but
:23:17. > :23:20.what fascinates me is at a time when rock was all the rage, this band
:23:21. > :23:25.wanted to play soul music. It was against the grain. We didn't mean it
:23:26. > :23:29.to be against the grain, it's just the common language among our
:23:30. > :23:38.musicians was the love of soul. 60s soul. Traditional R and blues. Did
:23:39. > :23:42.you have the intention to make people dance? Yes, soul music was
:23:43. > :23:46.Scotland's dance music. Inspired by American soul music the band had
:23:47. > :23:52.their sound, but how did they hit upon such an unusual name for the
:23:53. > :23:56.group? A fellow called Rob was a friend of ours. He was one of these
:23:57. > :24:00.guys who play kept coming up with phrases that was one of them. He
:24:01. > :24:05.just came back from Kampala and he's at it is too hot for the average
:24:06. > :24:08.white man in Kampala. We were using the phrase all the time and my
:24:09. > :24:15.girlfriend who became my wife said why do you call yourselves The
:24:16. > :24:19.Average White Band? They hit the big-time when their album and single
:24:20. > :24:27.pick up the pieces went another one in America. They picked up pick up
:24:28. > :24:32.the pieces but also had the single as a white cover, no photograph.
:24:33. > :24:36.They assumed we were black, so they played it. Did their idea for the
:24:37. > :24:39.chart topper start with a guitar riff? The original idea came from
:24:40. > :24:50.Hamish Stuart. Hamish came out with that at the end
:24:51. > :24:53.of rehearsal and Roger Dummett the sax player that it was interesting
:24:54. > :24:58.and wrote it down. He took it home and then brought it back with it
:24:59. > :24:59.built around the wrist. Everyone else pieced in their parts after
:25:00. > :25:12.that. It is very James Brown. We meant it to be a tribute to James
:25:13. > :25:20.Brown. Did James Brown get to hear the track? Yes. He replied, he wrote
:25:21. > :25:34.and put out picking up the pieces one by one by the Black Average
:25:35. > :25:37.Band. 40 years later and The Average White Band are still packing them in
:25:38. > :25:48.and they invited me to see them play. The track is still wowing
:25:49. > :25:54.audiences, what is it about the track? It makes you want to move.
:25:55. > :26:01.The producer said if it's in the groove, you can't hold it down.
:26:02. > :26:09.Absolutely brilliant, thank you for the chance to do this! Ready? No,
:26:10. > :26:16.not like that. And again... I'll get my coat. Taxi for Matthews. Because
:26:17. > :26:21.we are at the festival we thought we'd better book one of the most
:26:22. > :26:24.popular acts that are here. They are one of the best live acts on the
:26:25. > :26:34.comedy circuit, straight out of Dublin, they are Abandoman. CHEERING
:26:35. > :26:37.Nice to see you again. We are going to get straight into the
:26:38. > :26:42.performance. Tell us what we need to do? Everything we do is improvised,
:26:43. > :26:47.every song is made up based on who we meet. Tonight we will try
:26:48. > :26:50.something with you guys. Our show is about ambitions, dreams, what we
:26:51. > :26:55.would love to know from you is what are your wildest ambitions for the
:26:56. > :27:03.next year, ambitious, real, gluten-free, piggybacking whatever
:27:04. > :27:09.you want? Ladies and gentlemen, this is all improvised, give us a cheer
:27:10. > :27:15.for Alex and Patrick. What are your hopes and dreams? We are here with
:27:16. > :27:20.Alex. It is your The One Show team. Right now we're doing this, we'd be
:27:21. > :27:27.keeping on the TV, Patrick Kielty, believe me, give these people your
:27:28. > :27:34.first Evra dream? Rock-hard abs. No problem, he's talking about abs, not
:27:35. > :27:38.quite got them. We're doing this, looking to be more rock than WWE.
:27:39. > :27:44.Check it right now, you know are going to kick back, after this we
:27:45. > :27:51.can share the six-packs. Mr Patrick Kielty at the gym, the second one,
:27:52. > :27:56.Alex? Bradley Cooper. That's right, may dream every single day of the
:27:57. > :28:00.18. That's right, choose your suitor, come on Bradley, Cooper.
:28:01. > :28:05.That's right, you know we've got it good, got to go overseas, popping
:28:06. > :28:13.into Hollywood. I mean he is like slightly Bradley. He is kind of
:28:14. > :28:17.crowd -ish, back to Patrick. Become First Minister. That's right, kick
:28:18. > :28:21.right back. This is like snap, wants the job of Miss Nicola. Look at
:28:22. > :28:30.this, so certain he'll never take your job, Miss Sturgeon. Never get
:28:31. > :28:36.to try and be the Minister, look, she's here, a great politician. In
:28:37. > :28:42.fact, the leader from SMP, can I get one from you, I love your blue. I'm
:28:43. > :28:50.just trying to flirt, go ahead. Be as funny as Patrick Kielty. What?!
:28:51. > :28:57.It's watches could do, like definitely, comedy, career after
:28:58. > :29:03.that SNP. Yes, the first seen, everybody right now, what's
:29:04. > :29:06.happening? Everyone in the place please start clapping! APPLAUSE
:29:07. > :29:14.That was fantastic. Thank you to all of our guests, we are back tomorrow.
:29:15. > :29:15.I will miss you. See you then, goodbye! That was amazing!