:00:27. > :00:33.Belfast! DJ Stinky with tunes more twisted than Nazi dwarf pawn. I
:00:33. > :00:39.would like to start with a shout out. As many of you know, Jaggers
:00:39. > :00:47.is in prison because of his beliefs. People believe that cutting the red
:00:47. > :00:53.wire will cut off the burglar alarm. He was wrong. I hear that people
:00:53. > :01:03.say he is a thief, or tea leaf, but you know him as Pablo, respect,
:01:03. > :01:04.
:01:04. > :01:14.Pablo! On tonight's show we have an award-winning chef, former Master
:01:14. > :01:23.
:01:23. > :01:33.cf contestant, Christine Hamilton, Good morning. I am late. To us it
:01:33. > :01:33.
:01:33. > :01:42.matter? -- does it matter. You know those numbers you see in the paper,
:01:42. > :01:50.like sex lines. I phoned up some bird. There is not a sex chat line
:01:50. > :01:57.from Northern Ireland. Are you sure? Can you imagine, you are a
:01:57. > :02:03.man that likes a posh bird, some bird saying she has been knocking
:02:03. > :02:09.out the stables. I am all dirty. But I am not as dirty as you. Get
:02:09. > :02:19.your job for us off and show us what you are made of. Right? Like
:02:19. > :02:24.
:02:24. > :02:27.some kind of Ballymena eat Dahl. -- Have you got a big Massey-Ferguson
:02:27. > :02:33.waiting for you? Are you going to plough my field and scatter your
:02:33. > :02:39.good seed over my groin? Even though it is the Sabbath day, I
:02:39. > :02:48.will take you took some -- Sunday- school. What if it was like
:02:48. > :02:57.sovereign birds? Jesus, what are you doing it to me. Put it away.
:02:57. > :03:03.Look what you have made me do. work it. Use me. Do me. Occupy my
:03:03. > :03:10.six counties. Take away my land. Subjugate my land! Lead shoes so
:03:10. > :03:16.meet my dirty partition! -- let me show you my dirty partition.
:03:16. > :03:19.would like to make you a quick apology far last week when I said
:03:19. > :03:29.Stephen Nolan was dead. I now realise I may have got some
:03:29. > :03:29.
:03:29. > :03:34.people's hopes up though. Who is this in the lift? Our guest is posh
:03:34. > :03:38.and knows her way in the jungle. The husband of our next guess was
:03:38. > :03:45.alleged to have taken cash for questions, but at least he wasn't
:03:45. > :03:55.spending it on hers! Please welcome Amateur Chef and professional
:03:55. > :03:56.
:03:56. > :04:02.battle axe, Christine Hamilton! Goodness me. That is the sort of
:04:02. > :04:12.well, I like. I tell you what, Christine, you are looking spot on.
:04:12. > :04:13.
:04:13. > :04:17.Thanks. I am doing all right. I am over 60 by a one year. You should
:04:17. > :04:25.avoid the Old Trafford area of Manchester. The acres Wayne Rooney
:04:25. > :04:29.hangs around there. Is he in two older women? I think he is into
:04:29. > :04:37.anything. How have you been on a diet, or what is it that is making
:04:37. > :04:42.you look so fine? You do know how to flatter a girl. I have been on a
:04:42. > :04:49.diet. You may not know this, but I did a show called Master Chef and
:04:49. > :04:52.everybody else loses weight, but I put it on. You have to cook with
:04:53. > :04:58.butter and cream and all the things I do not normally took with and I
:04:58. > :05:03.was eating it all up, but I have lost that weight now. I am buying
:05:03. > :05:10.up your biscuits and chocolate digest it. I was wondering if I
:05:10. > :05:20.could put something over them so I cannot see them. Can I do that? Is
:05:20. > :05:28.that OK? Did she smell classy? smelt of the British upper class.
:05:28. > :05:37.Kind of clean. It was nice. Hang on a moment, I could not be any less
:05:37. > :05:42.upper-class. I am 100 % middle class. I don't think so, Christine.
:05:42. > :05:49.We are so underclass that we are subterranean. That is because you
:05:49. > :05:54.are a number of the criminal classes. We get by. It said
:05:54. > :05:57.somewhere that you and Neill appeared in a gay iconic play
:05:58. > :06:04.called the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The 30th anniversary tour,
:06:04. > :06:11.that was wonderful, sex drugs and rock'n'roll, what else junior? --
:06:11. > :06:17.what else do you need? Neil became totally addicted to the fish nest -
:06:17. > :06:25.- fishnet tights. Well, he is a Tory politician. It is what quite a
:06:25. > :06:31.few of them wear. Is there a man who would tempt you to leave him?
:06:31. > :06:39.commit adultery every day in my mind! Christine, are you committing
:06:39. > :06:47.adultery in your mind right now? Quite heavily. With who? I cannot
:06:47. > :06:53.decide. It would be kinky not to. It would be rude not to. I wouldn't
:06:53. > :07:03.one to come between friends. interesting choice of friends --
:07:03. > :07:08.
:07:08. > :07:15.race. Here is a wee bit of music. She looks like Rod Hull in drag. As
:07:15. > :07:21.Rod Hull does now! You were involved in the Houses of Commons
:07:21. > :07:25.in the 1980s when the Tories were sweeping through power. It seems
:07:25. > :07:35.like everybody was bonking everybody backstage. Was it really
:07:35. > :07:39.like that? Of course! I tell you what. I worked in parliament for 26
:07:39. > :07:48.years, and I was only 21 when I went there, but I have seen a lot
:07:48. > :07:54.of it. They have the power, and power, you have it as well. You
:07:54. > :07:57.have all the switches and stuff. It is very impressive and Members of
:07:57. > :08:01.Parliament have impressive places to take members of parliament and
:08:01. > :08:06.it is extraordinary, because unattractive MPs can get much more
:08:06. > :08:12.attractive girls than they would be able to, so that his talent goes on.
:08:12. > :08:16.Do you miss politics? No! I have left it for the real world of
:08:16. > :08:22.showbiz, entertainment and radio. You are too good looking for
:08:22. > :08:29.politics. I read somewhere it was showbiz or ugly people. Well, some
:08:29. > :08:34.politicians are quite good looking. Have you seen Barbara De Bruin?
:08:34. > :08:41.Don't be nasty about the nation's sweetheart, and Anne Widdecombe.
:08:41. > :08:48.What about Lembit Opik? He did pull a cheeky girl. He is bonkers.
:08:48. > :08:58.Christine! I would like someone like you to be my mum. Is that all
:08:58. > :09:02.
:09:02. > :09:08.right? To be my mum? Both of you? Why not? How you got a mum? None
:09:08. > :09:13.worth to walking about. Father's Day causes great confusion around
:09:13. > :09:21.here. It is awfully flattering. What would I have to do? Just told
:09:21. > :09:31.me. Change me. Occasionally. often is occasionally? As often as
:09:31. > :09:35.
:09:35. > :09:45.you like! Gone, it's a deal. Thanks, mummy. Will you buy me an X-Box?
:09:45. > :09:52.
:09:52. > :10:02.It is an electronic device. That is correct. I will buy you one. Can
:10:02. > :10:05.
:10:05. > :10:12.you share one, or do you need one age?. Hang on, I beg your pardon?
:10:12. > :10:21.Say that again. On Sunday dinner... Oh, Sunday dinner. Let me slow it
:10:22. > :10:28.down for you. Yes, thank you. On Sunday din-dins? Yes? Right, round
:10:28. > :10:32.yours with Neil, me and Pablo? You have to count out the peas,
:10:32. > :10:36.make sure they're the same. And do not try and say that having a wee
:10:36. > :10:39.bit more extra peas is the same as having the same of roast potatoes
:10:39. > :10:42.cos it's not! No, it's not. No, I would never do that, it's not.
:10:42. > :10:46.Because peas are peas and potatoes and potatoes. You can have as much
:10:46. > :10:56.as you like. That's all right. Thank you. Unless you start to put
:10:56. > :10:56.
:10:56. > :11:01.on weight. Thank you. OK? Cool. Mummy? Thank you very much for
:11:01. > :11:05.coming on to our show. I'll go home and get the tatties on. Go you home,
:11:05. > :11:11.sort out a few spare rooms for me and the Pablo, we'll be over next
:11:11. > :11:15.week. OK, brilliant. Happy days. Where's my hug? Give you a hug?
:11:15. > :11:22.Give me my hug. Oh, give you a hug. Aw, bye-bye. Thank you. Oh, two
:11:22. > :11:27.kisses. Happy days. Two kisses. Pablo, show the lady out.
:11:27. > :11:30.pleasure. Bye-bye. Just for your information, Your Ladyship, I am
:11:30. > :11:34.quite the fan of Lady Chatterley's Lover and The Graduate, OK? I think
:11:34. > :11:37.I get your drift, Pablo. Bye-bye, I'm going to put the beef on.
:11:37. > :11:40.She can see to my beef any time. Christine Hamilton there! Christine
:11:40. > :11:43.is the second most outrageous woman in politics. She would have been
:11:43. > :11:46.the first but Iris Robinson pipped her at the post by bopping that
:11:46. > :11:49.teenager. Right, right, right. Here we go. Three, two, one... Go!
:11:49. > :11:52.Stare! Blink. Go on, blink. Blink. Blink. You blink. No, you blink.
:11:52. > :11:56.You blink. You blink. You blink. Blinky. You blink. Blink off. I own
:11:56. > :11:59.you. Blink 182. I own you. I own you. You have a fly on your face.
:11:59. > :12:02.Blinkety Blink, Blinkety Blink. It'll make you blink. Blink! Blink!
:12:02. > :12:05.Oh, bollocks! How do you do that? Championi. Derry's an amazing city
:12:05. > :12:08.though, isn't it? Any city that has three or four girls to every bloke,
:12:08. > :12:12.unbelievable. And the girls' legs are... Tidy. All the hills, Derry
:12:12. > :12:16.Hill legs. It's got good scenery, it's got nice hotels, it's...close
:12:16. > :12:24.to Donegal. It's got one bar you can go to safely. Would you come
:12:24. > :12:30.and live here though? No. City of Culture? I've had yoghurts with
:12:31. > :12:34.more culture. LAUGHTER What's that you have there? I am trying to
:12:34. > :12:38.learn the words to a song, mate. I'm going to audition for the X
:12:38. > :12:42.Factor. You want to be famous then? But I'm being realistic. People
:12:42. > :12:46.think they'll get famous overnight. I'll give it two weeks. And you
:12:46. > :12:56.think you can get on X Factor? Stephen Hawking can run off with
:12:56. > :13:04.
:13:04. > :13:06.his mistress, I can get on the X Factor. Mate, you cannot sing.. #
:13:06. > :13:09.All the single ladies All the single ladies
:13:09. > :13:09.# All the single ladies All the single ladies All the single
:13:09. > :13:12.ladies... # Pablo?
:13:12. > :13:14.# All the single ladies All the single ladies.
:13:14. > :13:17.# Pablo. Pablo! # All the single ladies.
:13:17. > :13:20.# Pablo! Sorry, sorry, sorry. They said I was a bit too dignified for
:13:20. > :13:25.Big Brother. Fair point. Here, there's the lift moving. That's the
:13:25. > :13:33.band. A band coming in here? Yep. Right. Who is it this time? I think
:13:33. > :13:40.you'll like this one. Right. They're like an indie band, wait,
:13:40. > :13:49.right, but they are both epic in scale and vision. Is it Muse?
:13:49. > :13:54.Is it Queen? No. Is it the Vienna Boys Choir? Look, we couldn't fit
:13:54. > :13:57.them in the lift, it's not them. Right, well, who is it then? They
:13:57. > :14:01.are Rams' Pocket Radio. All right, lads? Hello. How're yous getting
:14:01. > :14:10.on? All good. So, lads, tell us this here. Have yous any good gigs
:14:10. > :14:13.or supports that yous have done lately? Yeah, we recently toured
:14:13. > :14:17.with Darwin Deez and played a gig with Marina And The Diamonds...
:14:17. > :14:22.Shite. No, you'd like Marina. Really? Oh, aye. What's the song
:14:22. > :14:26.you're going to do for us. Going to do a song called Dieter Rams Has
:14:26. > :14:30.Got The Pocket Radios. Cool, all right, fire away, into the boudoir.
:14:30. > :14:33.Don't make a mess. Bye! Peter from Derry has called in to the shoot
:14:33. > :14:36.the breeze with us. Yo, Pete! All right, Pablo, Steeky? You've had
:14:36. > :14:40.the odd brush with the law, lads, hey? Say hypothetically a man
:14:40. > :14:43.lunges at me with what I thought was a knife but turned out to be a
:14:43. > :14:46.flare for a night club. Uh...easy mistake. I accidentally knocked him
:14:46. > :14:49.over, then someone compounded the error by beating him to death with
:14:49. > :14:51.a traffic cone. Just hypothetically, aye? Yeah? I was arguing with my
:14:51. > :14:54.mates as to whether that constituted murder or self defence.
:14:54. > :14:58.That sounds like a pretty clear case of murder of there, Pete.
:14:58. > :15:00.lads, murder, we'll have to bury him - thanks, Steeky, you've been a
:15:00. > :15:03.great help. For Christ's sake, Pablo, do you not screen these
:15:03. > :15:07.calls? Uh? And now for our next caller, Martina. Marty-girl, what
:15:07. > :15:10.do you want to talk about? Well, I'm fed up with all the stupid men
:15:10. > :15:13.in Belfast who just treat women as sex objects. That's a good point,
:15:13. > :15:17.Martina. Great point, Martina. Now, tell us what you're wearing. CALLER
:15:17. > :15:24.HANGS UP Aw, bless. I remember the very first time I asked your ma the
:15:24. > :15:27.same question. How drunk was she? She was pretty drunk. Fair play.
:15:27. > :15:30.And a big shout out to Adam and Steve, who are celebrating their
:15:30. > :15:36.civil partnership today. Two lads getting married, that's class.
:15:36. > :15:38.Why's that, Pablo? Just think how amazing a double stag night would
:15:38. > :15:42.be - wall-to-wall naked women strippers, wouldn't it? Um, yeah,
:15:42. > :15:48.Pabs, I don't think you really get the gay thing. There's the lift
:15:48. > :15:54.again. Who've you got for me? fella that owns that there posh
:15:54. > :15:56.restaurant. Our next guess has his own award-winning restaurant.
:15:56. > :15:59.Essentially, it's like McDonald's, but with fewer divorced fathers
:15:59. > :16:07.gazing forlornly at their children. Please welcome award-winning chef,
:16:07. > :16:10.Jason Moore. Evening, gents. How are you? All right, mate? Grab
:16:10. > :16:15.yourself a wee seat there, take the weight off your plates. That's a
:16:15. > :16:23.wee kitchen reference. I like that. Well, Jason Moore, how are you
:16:23. > :16:33.keeping? Very well, yourselves? too bad. Thank you for coming in.
:16:33. > :16:41.pleasure... Could you not shave? Pardon? Could you not have shaved?
:16:41. > :16:45.No. He's a rock and roll chef. aren't they all? We all are, rock
:16:45. > :16:49.and roll chefs. Do you sit there in the kitchen barking orders and have
:16:49. > :16:52.everybody go, "Yes, chef!" A wee bit, not that much. Do you know how
:16:52. > :16:56.far that would work with me? You wouldn't get through the entree. We
:16:56. > :16:59.could bring you in for a day, would you like that? Would you like a
:16:59. > :17:02.kitchen knife in your chest? That's what'll happen. You'd get one right
:17:02. > :17:05.back! Ooooh! That there's fighting talk. Fighting talk for a man that
:17:06. > :17:09.cooks, like. HE LAUGHS What sort of training did you have to do? To be
:17:09. > :17:13.a chef you have to do as much training as you can, work in as
:17:13. > :17:16.many good restaurants as you can, for as many good chefs as you can
:17:17. > :17:19.to learn as much as you can. you ever work for the Little Chef?
:17:20. > :17:21.Little Chef, let me think. I've worked with lots of Little Chefs,
:17:22. > :17:24.bit like yourselves. Bernard Matthews? Pardon? Bernard Matthews?
:17:24. > :17:27.RIP, Bernard. Ah, Bernard. May his Turkey Twizzlers rest in peace.
:17:27. > :17:30.Turkey Twizzlers were a mistake. The machines were set up wrong,
:17:30. > :17:35.they were supposed to be making sausages and they spit out all this
:17:35. > :17:38.stuff. Seriously? Yeah, that's how it came about. They couldn't sell
:17:38. > :17:42.it to anybody, so they sold it to schools. Something so delicious
:17:42. > :17:47.created by accident. That there is a present from God. It is. Glory in
:17:47. > :17:55.imperfection. Why, Jason, does all food taste better inside a floury
:17:55. > :18:01.bap? Some foods might, what sort of foods taste good in a floury bap to
:18:01. > :18:05.you? Absolutely everything. Sausage rolls - the classic bap and two.
:18:05. > :18:09.Two sausage rolls in a bap. Even a McDonald's Quarter Pounder - which
:18:09. > :18:14.is already in a bap - stick that in a bap and it's even better. All
:18:14. > :18:23.things in life, in a bap. Everything? Absolutely, any
:18:23. > :18:32.foodstuff you can name. Name any foodstuff. Foie gras. In a bap.
:18:32. > :18:37.you know what Foie gras is? No. you've never had Foie gras?
:18:37. > :18:40.Would we want to? Absolutely, it's the most delicate think you could
:18:40. > :18:45.ever eat. More delicate than a fillet o' fish? Fillet o' fish,
:18:45. > :18:48.yeah, just as delicate as a fillet o' fish. What is Foie gras? It's an
:18:48. > :18:52.over-sized liver of a duck. HE RETCHES And how do they get it
:18:52. > :18:56.thus? Well, they don't do it like this now, but they used to get the
:18:56. > :18:59.duck or the goose and then nail its feet to a plank. Then they used to
:18:59. > :19:03.force-feed it with a screw. Which must be nice. That's not very nice
:19:03. > :19:06.at all. And you put that in your mouth?! Do you apply the two second
:19:06. > :19:09.rule in your kitchen? Two-second rule? No. Drops on the floor, two
:19:09. > :19:17.seconds, on the plate. That's a myth. No, if it drops on the floor,
:19:17. > :19:20.you have to put it in the bin. Aye, right. You do! Sure you do.
:19:20. > :19:23.told you about the two-second rule? Everybody knows about the two-
:19:23. > :19:26.second rule. Otherwise known as "the food for the difficult
:19:26. > :19:30.customer." Jason, give us two wee seconds, the listeners want to hear
:19:30. > :19:34.a few beats, so I'm just going to play a wee tune then come back to
:19:34. > :19:39.you, OK? I brought back a McDonald's once. What was wrong
:19:39. > :19:47.with it? Well, I asked for a medium rare, and it was well done. How
:19:47. > :19:51.dare they? I sent it back. How dare they? With a flea in their ear.
:19:51. > :19:56.you get extra cheese back? I think I might have done. Extra mayo,
:19:56. > :20:05.there seemed to be extra mayo in it. Eurgh. Do you eat your five a day?
:20:05. > :20:11.Yes. Does pear cider account? What is the most disgusting food you
:20:11. > :20:15.have eaten? Most Scottish food, for example, is disgusting.
:20:15. > :20:21.strangest thing was living in Asia, and on the streets of Bangkok you
:20:21. > :20:28.can bite deep fide -- you can buy a deep fried grubs and cockroaches,
:20:28. > :20:37.that sort of thing. They are not as bad as you think. Very good for you.
:20:37. > :20:47.We just sprayed it with soy sauce. Were you picking up tips about
:20:47. > :20:55.cooking? I picked up a few cooking tips. Who is the most famous person
:20:55. > :21:01.you have cooked for? Princess Diana. The Princess are our hearts. Do you
:21:01. > :21:06.remember what you cook for her? had fish. It must have been a
:21:06. > :21:13.Friday. I couldn't say, but it must have been a Friday. That is
:21:13. > :21:19.surprising. I was under the impression that she loved the meat
:21:19. > :21:24.for --. I thought that was your Princess! Shame yourself! I see
:21:24. > :21:32.William gave his fiancee his mother's engagement ring. That is
:21:32. > :21:39.going to work out just fine, isn't We have learned a lot today, like
:21:39. > :21:47.what is for one grave. What is veal? -- for a grave. Veal is a
:21:47. > :21:56.baby cow. A baby cow? You kill baby cows? Of course, yes. Would you
:21:56. > :22:06.kill a baby sheep? Lamb? Definitely. Baby pigs? Suckling pigs?, yes.
:22:06. > :22:11.Kittens? Have you ever cooked a kitten? I have milked one.
:22:11. > :22:21.milked a kitten? How in the name of Jesus did you know OK kitten?
:22:21. > :22:24.just get hold of the teat things and do it. What is wrong with him?
:22:24. > :22:32.There's a woman round the block with a load of kittens, we could go
:22:32. > :22:37.as sideline going. Kit and milk. Kit and cheese. We could sell it
:22:37. > :22:41.through your chef. Of course you could. Jason, it has been a
:22:41. > :22:45.pleasure. You worry gentleman, a scholar and a cook. You can come
:22:46. > :22:54.round any time and cook as a wee something in a bap. Jason, thank
:22:54. > :22:59.you very much! You kitten that milking it weirdo! Taking out, sort
:22:59. > :23:05.him out, keeping away from animals. Jason Moore, his Northern Ireland
:23:06. > :23:12.and so to Jamie Oliver, except not a complete idiot. I just thought I
:23:12. > :23:22.would say that if you did not -- did fancy knocking a human, I am
:23:22. > :23:24.
:23:24. > :23:28.free when says. That sounds good. I would just like to make a quick
:23:28. > :23:35.apology by last week's medical section. As it turns out, dyslexics
:23:35. > :23:39.are not the evil villains that attacked Dr Who! Our caller has two
:23:39. > :23:46.minutes to guess the mystery item. We will play with the returning
:23:46. > :23:50.champion, Jez, are you ready? ready. Your time starts now. I am
:23:50. > :23:56.not sure how to describe it. It is something you would use to prop up
:23:56. > :24:02.the table at one of the legs are shorter than the other. Is it a
:24:03. > :24:10.poor person? Teachers like them? Detention? Everybody was passed
:24:10. > :24:15.around the school and had a go on it. Was it Kelly and from four be?
:24:15. > :24:25.No, it is kind of papery and people find it difficult and people find
:24:25. > :24:28.
:24:28. > :24:32.it most irritating question of Anne Was it the positing a theory by
:24:32. > :24:38.Isaac Newton that all matter is uniform? No, it is not the theory
:24:38. > :24:43.of relativity. Did he get drunk at Christmas and cause everyone to be
:24:43. > :24:47.sick because he did something to the turkey? Now, love -- rich
:24:47. > :24:54.people love going into these and love talking about it and then they
:24:54. > :25:04.used a special language questor of a Starbucks franchise? Is it a
:25:04. > :25:07.
:25:07. > :25:17.book? Don't die have to get what We are now going on to the band we
:25:17. > :25:43.