0:00:11 > 0:00:13PLANES SCREAM
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Apologies, Herr Hitler. Your bombers won't get through tonight.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23MACHINEGUN FIRE
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Taka-taka-taka...
0:00:25 > 0:00:26HE IMITATES SWOOPING PLANE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32One down. 17 to go.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Dad?
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Oh, Dad, where are you?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Dad?
0:00:44 > 0:00:45HE GASPS
0:00:45 > 0:00:46TYRES SQUEAL
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Oh, no.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57GRANDPA IMITATES PLANES
0:00:57 > 0:01:00There's my grandpa. But he wasn't always this confused.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Take this, Jerry! Taka-taka-taka-taka...
0:01:03 > 0:01:06He was once the Royal Air Force's bravest Spitfire pilot.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09That was during World War II
0:01:09 > 0:01:14but our story takes place 40 years later, in the 1980s.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I wasn't like the other kids at school,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I didn't want a Rubik's Cube or a mullet.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I was happiest with my World War II model planes from Grandpa's stories.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27The best day of the week was always Saturday -
0:01:27 > 0:01:31that was the day that me and my sister Shelley would see Grandpa.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34If we were really lucky, he would take us to the war museum.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38It was him or me - I press on my machineguns.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41The air was filled with bullets, smoke, fire, I'd hit my first
0:01:41 > 0:01:47Messerschmitt, the Luftwaffe pilot who parachuted down, I let him be.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Then it was back to base and Grandpa would take us
0:01:50 > 0:01:51on a top-secret mission.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Right, off we go, canopy secure?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Check. - Fuel gauge on full?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Check. - Up, up and away!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Up, up and away!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13It was the happiest of times. Up, up and away!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15But times changed.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Grandpa became more forgetful.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18GRANDPA HUMS
0:02:21 > 0:02:24He'd forget he'd made a cup of tea...
0:02:24 > 0:02:26..and make another one.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28KETTLE WHISTLES
0:02:28 > 0:02:29So I tried to help.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Every week, I got his shopping.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Waiter, this is corked.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56In spite of his medication, Grandpa wasn't getting any better.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58In fact, he was getting worse.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Morning, Grandpa, time for your doctor's appointment.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05We'll just wait for Peggy.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07My dear wife Peggy, just getting ready.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09She won't be a minute.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Peggy's not here, Grandpa.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15She died during the war.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Did she?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23My darling Peggy.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35It's OK, Grandpa, I'll look after you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I wish I could say my family helped with Grandpa,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48but they had their own things going on.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51This is my sister, she got older and was only interested in Duran Duran.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52MUSIC PLAYS: Rio by Duran Duran
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Marry me, Simon Le Bon.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Mum was a high roller in the beauty business.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Avon calling!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Dad worked for the council.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08He always claimed he was head of road maintenance
0:04:08 > 0:04:11but Mum said he was in charge of traffic cones.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14It certainly was his favourite topic of conversation.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So guess where traffic cones were first used in the UK.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Nobody cares, Barry.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21No, the correct answer is the M6.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Occasionally, it was like it used to be.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25WAR FILM ON TV
0:04:25 > 0:04:27How fast is that Spitfire going, Grandpa?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Top speed 360 miles an hour, near enough.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36I'd give anything... anything to fly one again.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39The funny thing was, Grandpa wasn't confused
0:04:39 > 0:04:43when he talked about the war and that gave me an idea.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Good morning, Wing Commander.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Squadron Leader.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51The medical officer wants to know if you've had your energy pills today?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Righty-ho, down the hatch.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I'd just pretend the war was still on.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Anything further from air command?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02They want us to keep physically fit for the coming battle.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Kick about in the park? - Good call.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Which was fine - when it was just Grandpa and me.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10But harder with all the family.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11SISTER HUMS
0:05:11 > 0:05:16Now, the story behind making traffic cones orange is a fascinating one.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- This tea's off. - That's gravy, Dad.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Dad? You're not my son, my son's a little, little baby.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27HE LAUGHS
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Whatever next?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33He's got worse, much worse. He'd be best off in a...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- WHISPERS:- ..home.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38He is in a home, Mum. HIS home and he's happy there.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41He's drinking from the gravy boat, Jack, the gravy boat!
0:05:43 > 0:05:44- Wing Commander? - Squadron Leader?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You're in the mess hall and the charlady...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- I beg your pardon? - ..has just served up your rations.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, oh, I see, jolly good.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I don't know if you should be pretending it's the war, Jack.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59What if he attacks that nice German lady who works in Bejam's?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02SISTER SINGS OFF KEY
0:06:03 > 0:06:06This food is diabolical.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Then we can have the charlady taken out and shot!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I'm trying to help.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16So we tried to play along and that worked out for a while
0:06:16 > 0:06:18until one night,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Dad found Grandpa sitting on the church roof.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Love? He's on the church roof this time.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31I don't know how he got up there.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35There's only one person who can get him down.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You are joking? This is a saga now.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40We need Jack, you know how close he is to his grandpa.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42It's too late.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Jack's got a geography test tomorrow
0:06:43 > 0:06:45and I've got a ton of make-up to shift.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Or do you want a garage full of unsold Bucks Fizz eyeshadow?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I'm going to help Grandpa, Mum, it's up to you if you come or not.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Well, let me get this off first.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Come on, Mum!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00MUSICAL HORN BLARES
0:07:00 > 0:07:03MUSIC: Cars by Gary Numan
0:07:07 > 0:07:08What time do you call this?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Mum, stop ruining everything for me.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12We will have words later, young lady.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Are you Shelley's sister?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18No, silly, I'm her mum but I know, I look young for my age.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20And you must be...?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Dazza, but I do often get mistaken for Simon Le Bon.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Oh, yeah, I bet you do.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Mum?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I want you in bed in one minute.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Goodnight, Mrs Shelley's mum.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I can see you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42HE IMITATES SIREN
0:07:42 > 0:07:45He's gone completely cuckoo.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Oh, Jack, help him, please.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51What in St Peter's name is going on here?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55MUSIC: Theme from The Omen
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Get down off my roof, you vandal!
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Think you're a good shot, hey? We'll see about that!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05My father gets a little confused sometimes.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Confused? He's certifiable. What if he falls off?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I don't want to spend me morning scooping him up.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14You want us to fetch the air rifle, Reverend?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- ALL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, that'll bring him down.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- That worked for the pigeons, didn't it?- No, please, just wait.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Wing Commander, this is base, over.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27What? this is Wing Commander, reading you loud and clear.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Your mission has been a great success, return to base.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Roger that!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42GRANDPA CHUCKLES
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Oh, hang on, hang on, he's going to fall...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Oh. Well, I never.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Fall out, men.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Wing Commander, let me escort you to your transport,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04there's drinks in the officers' mess.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Yeah, just the job, Squadron Leader.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07HE GROANS
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Oh, no, oh, no.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12No, no, I'm fine. Shouldn't have eaten that pickled egg.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Poor soul.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22I do bring a lot of comfort to the old and the infirm of the parish.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I'd love to help, if I could.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27We just want what's best for us, I mean - him.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Yeah, I mean, there is the most wonderful care home nearby,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Twilight Towers.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35RAVENS CAW
0:09:35 > 0:09:36I don't think he'd like that.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Oh, no - it's heavenly, it's like Disneyland for coffin dodgers.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42THEY CHUCKLE
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Grandpa's not going in a home.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Yeah, trouble is, it's very often very, very full.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48What a shame.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51But then, I have a very good relationship with Miss Dandy,
0:09:51 > 0:09:56what runs Twilight Towers, she just might be able to squeeze him in.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- Perfect.- No!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01No, we need to discuss this as a family first.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Might be too late but, yeah, of course.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Oh, yeah, why don't you take with you this, er, colour
0:10:06 > 0:10:10brochure of Twilight Towers and this is for you, boy.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12They say it's a little...gonk.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14It's got googly eyes...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18..just like your grandad.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24That's lovely. Goodnight.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Oh, goodnight, God bless you, God bless you, obviously.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34It looks lovely,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37it's more like a hotel than somewhere you get put to die.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42Charlady, this is the worst roast beef I have ever tasted.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44It's not roast beef,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47it's fish pie, and for the last time, I'm not your charlady.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Your son has something to tell you.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57We had a new order of traffic cones in, they're reflective.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Barry!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You know we all love you very much?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08But the thing is, it...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Spit it out, airman, choppity-chop.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15After what happened last week, we thought it might be best if...
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- If you came here to live with us. - You what?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20He could share my bedroom.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Well, we can't cope with him here. - Well, it's not a bad idea.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Er, he'd better not hog the bathroom,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- it takes me ages to crimp my hair in the mornings.- I'm sorry, but...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I accept, though the catering had better improve.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I'll tell the charlady.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Where am I going, again?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Our house, Dad. You're coming to live with us.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48On a trial basis.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Yeah, I live here, Peggy won't know where I've got to.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Son?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Wing Commander...
0:11:59 > 0:12:01..due to enemy activity, the air commander wants you to
0:12:01 > 0:12:03lodge at alternative quarters.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Why didn't they just say?
0:12:10 > 0:12:16Charity shop, sale, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rub...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18This is not rubbish.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Wing Commander? Let me take you to the tuck shop.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Oh, jolly good.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30BELL RINGS
0:12:30 > 0:12:36Ah-ha, my two favourite customers, Mr Bumting and Master Bumting.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37It's Bunting.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Bumting, like I said.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Hello there, Quartermaster.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45I have very special offer for today, 15 cans of...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50..Quatro - for the price of 14.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Er, no thanks.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56What has a hazelnut in every bite? Topic!
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Or any of these other bars which melted in the window with it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I'm quite partial to a Smartie.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Those I have, both - traditional and limited edition green ones.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Really, they're mouldy Revels.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Er, standard issue will be fine.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Er, you will find them
0:13:15 > 0:13:18under the puzzle magazines next to the correcting fluid.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25You look troubled, Master Bumting.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Grandpa's coming to live with us.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Splendid.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I just, I worry about whether it'll work out.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38Do not fret, Indian families always take in the older generation,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42it works without fail, even when Auntie Pia sings Wham Rap
0:13:42 > 0:13:46at the top of her voice when I'm trying to watch the snooker.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54Either Grandpa comes to live with us or he'll be sent to Twilight Towers.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Oh, no.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59What?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Oh, no, no. I've heard very bad things about Twilight Towers.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- What?- They say the only way out of that place is...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10..in a coffin.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17# Do you really want to hurt me... #
0:14:17 > 0:14:19What a fine-looking woman.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23We can't leave him in the house on his own.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25No.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Well, what are we going to do?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Tomorrow's the launch of the Country Diary Of An Edwardian Lady
0:14:29 > 0:14:30roll-on deodorant.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Well, I've got a really big day at work tomorrow,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I've got to test all the new traffic cones.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Have I ever told you how I judge them?- Many times.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Durability, colour, attractive shape.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Why did I marry you?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Jack, you're going on a school trip tomorrow?- Yep.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Well, you'll have to take Grandpa with you. Where are you going?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- War museum.- Perfect.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52You can take him along. He loves a bit of war.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Fine replicas, Squadron Leader.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01I wish they were real.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04The Spitfire's like nothing else,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06you can turn on a sixpence.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Grandpa? When you...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Er, we need to listen out for enemy aircraft.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13MUSICAL CAR HORN BLARES
0:15:13 > 0:15:15TYRES SCREECH
0:15:15 > 0:15:19That's Shelley's stupid boyfriend Dazza.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Mum, I mean, the air commander, says lights out by 9:00.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26I hope you don't snore, I can't abide snorers.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- I don't think I do. - Well, goodnight, Squadron Leader
0:15:29 > 0:15:33and thank you for sharing your quarters, very decent of you.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Glad to help, sir. Goodnight.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42HE SNORES
0:15:59 > 0:16:01ENGINES ROAR
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Right, everyone, Rubik's Cubes down! Eyes up, looking!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Looking!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I want to remind everyone that this is an educational trip,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30we will not have a repeat of the tomfoolery at the zoo...
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I don't want to find a live penguin in Gavin Macey's rucksack!
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Got that?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Good.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39You're not in year six, why are you here?
0:16:39 > 0:16:40He's my grandpa, Miss.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Yeah, I can surmise that.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44He was a Spitfire pilot in the war.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Well, if he promises to be educational, he can come.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Thank you, Miss.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Now, everyone has a questionnaire...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53ALL GROAN
0:16:53 > 0:16:55And nobody is allowed in the gift shop
0:16:55 > 0:16:59until it has been filled out and that is a fact, am I clear?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02ALL: Yes, Miss Verity.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Good. And here's yours, coach driver. Neatest handwriting, please.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Right, everyone off, please, no talking, no laughing, no dawdling.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oi, you lot, don't climb on the tanks.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I've been here before.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Yes, you have, many times. You took me, Grandpa, do you remember?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27What's my Spitfire doing hanging from the ceiling?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- What's wrong with your grandad? - Nothing.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32These, these pilots are very young.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35New recruits.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Ah.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Oh, I see.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47How are you getting on? Are you stuck?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50The stupid answer's not on the stupid board.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I can help you with that. I was there.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57You see, the Nazis wanted to bomb the life out of us,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00so they could invade and take us over.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Herr Hitler sent huge squadrons of Junkers
0:18:03 > 0:18:08and Messerschmitts over the coast, the sky was black with them.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10AIRCRAFT DRONE
0:18:10 > 0:18:14RAF pilots had to stop the Nazi bombers from getting through -
0:18:14 > 0:18:16we were young and frightened, not,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19well, not that much older than you are.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23My squadron was the first to be scrambled up, up and away.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I pushed my Spitfire past 300mph.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Wow.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33It... You see, they outnumbered us, oh, four to one,
0:18:33 > 0:18:38so to stand any chance, we had to get above them before they got here.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42We waited up there until the enemy were so close
0:18:42 > 0:18:46we could see the swastikas on their tails and then I gave the order...
0:18:46 > 0:18:50..DIVE!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:18:54 > 0:18:57When did all this happen, exactly?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Sorry?
0:18:59 > 0:19:04The children need dates for the exam. Facts, facts and more facts.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Facts are all that matter.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Oh, well it was, er, yeah, last Monday.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11ALL CHUCKLE
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I hardly think so!
0:19:13 > 0:19:17No, no, oh, no, no, sorry - I tell a lie, er, last, er, last Sunday.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19All right, settle down, everyone.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22The Battle of Britain was not last Sunday, it took place
0:19:22 > 0:19:26between July and October 1940, make a note of that, class.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28That's what I'm saying!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Jack, I'm sure your grandfather means well
0:19:31 > 0:19:35but he is a very old and confused man.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Hey, maybe he did do something during the war,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40but I very much doubt that he was a Spitfire pilot.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42He was.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Can I have a word? In private.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58You grandfather is not welcome on any more school trips.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59But Miss!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01That is a fact.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Right, class, this way, please!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Turn to question 98 in your questionnaire...
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Grandpa?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Grandpa!- Psst!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Up here, Squadron Leader.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30What are you doing up there?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Looking for my log book, I wanted to prove that awful woman wrong.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It's wonderful to be back in my plane again,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39they won't mind if I took her for a spin, would they?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Um, I think they might.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Oi, what are you playing at?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Look out, it's the SS.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48STIRRING MUSIC
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Code... Man, man in a plane, repeat code - man in a plane.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Take him down, Squadron Leader.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59ALARM BELL RINGS I'll make a break for it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I can't take him down, he's ginormous.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03That is really hurtful.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12BOTH GROAN
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Jack! You tell your grandfather to come down this...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18BOTH GROAN
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- ..instant.- You fell on my face!
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Run for it!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26MUSIC: Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode
0:21:30 > 0:21:31# When I'm with you, baby
0:21:31 > 0:21:33# I go out of my head
0:21:33 > 0:21:35# And I just can't get enough
0:21:35 > 0:21:37# And I just can't get enough
0:21:37 > 0:21:39# All the things you do to me
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# And everything you said
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# I just can't get enough
0:21:43 > 0:21:45# I just can't get enough
0:21:45 > 0:21:46# And when it rains
0:21:46 > 0:21:48# You're shining down for me
0:21:48 > 0:21:50# I just can't get enough
0:21:50 > 0:21:52SIRENS WAIL # I just can't get enough. #
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Sugar.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58We've been sat in here waiting for ages.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Yes... Classic Gestapo mind games.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Prisoner of war camp for me, as long as it's not Colditz.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I won't let them take you away.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Sorry I've let you down, old chap.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13You didn't and you never will.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Mum, Dad, you can't let Grandpa be thrown into prison.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Well, it's not up to us, the police told us what happened.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Your grandfather damaged a very valuable plane.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26MUSIC: Theme from The Omen
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I don't think there'll be any need for prison.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Let me make a call for you, shall I?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh, thank you, Reverend.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35CHUCKLES
0:22:35 > 0:22:36We are so pleased to see you.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Hello, Miss Dandy? Yeah, it's me.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46I have a gentleman here in desperate need of help.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50No, well, I can sort everything here with the duty sergeant
0:22:50 > 0:22:53at the police station but might you,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57as a huge favour to me, be able to squeeze him in to Twilight Towers?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Colditz.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03She's gone to find out.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Oh, she's... She's coming back, that's quick, innit?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Oh, you can, oh, you can, oh, that's marvellous,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12you're a life-saver, Miss Dandy.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Thank you.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Oh, rejoice, rejoice.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Thank you so much, Vicar. You are a good man.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Oh, thank you, thank you. Anything for my flock.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- But..- Would you rather he went to prison, boy? Huh? Huh?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33No...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35CHUCKLES
0:23:42 > 0:23:44DOGS BARK IN THE DISTANCE
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You enjoying your toad in the hole, Dazza?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Oh, delicious, Mrs Shelley's mum.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I think it might be the nicest dinner I've ever had.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Oh.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03A bit OTT?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Is that my beer?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10He's our guest, Dad?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Can we go and see Grandpa after dinner?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17No, Jack, he'll be too busy in his new place.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19All those baskets to weave.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Shelley tells me you work at the garage?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Yeah, I used to be YTS but they took me on full time
0:24:26 > 0:24:29because an Austin Princess fell on Mark Lansom's leg!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Oh, that was a stroke of luck.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34So, don't tell me, you must be a model.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38No, but I have been known to grace the cover of the Avon brochure.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Mum!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Oh, you'll have to give me one.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I'll stick it on the wall at work, next to Linda Lusardi.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Absolutely not!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Let me see if I can find you one. - Mum!
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- Oi, Barry, do us a favour. - What?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Get rid of all the traffic cones between my gaff and work!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03That would be against the traffic cone code of conduct.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I bet that's interesting reading!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Ah.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18How do we know if Grandpa's too busy?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21He needs a rest, love.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25We didn't want to tell you, son, but Grandpa has a...
0:25:26 > 0:25:27..weak heart.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32But...he's going to be all right?
0:25:37 > 0:25:38I do kung fu.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40How wonderful for you.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Yeah, I'll teach you if you like, junior, learn from the master.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Oh.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46No, thanks.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Well, you ever get in trouble, you know where to come.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I'm like a kung fu expert, I've seen Enter The Dragon 17 times.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Wow.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Um, I've got to go up and do my homework.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Homework?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03DAZZA SPLUTTERS I never bothered with homework.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Which I deeply regret, because you should always,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12always do your homework.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16You know, unless Knight Rider's on.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21He's had three. He's had three.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51SINISTER SCORE
0:27:00 > 0:27:01GONG
0:27:04 > 0:27:06LOCKS BANG
0:27:09 > 0:27:11What?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Er, hello, I was hoping to visit my grandfather.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17We're closed for visitors.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Please.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Matron!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Urgh.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33RAVENS CAW
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Can I help you, boy?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I'm here to visit my grandfather, Mr Bunting.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Oh, the new arrival.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43We'll, he'll just have had his yummy pills
0:27:43 > 0:27:46and now he'll be having his super snooze.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Is he all right? We're really close.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Really? Because he hasn't mentioned you.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Nurse Blossom, Nurse Rose,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56has Mr Bunting mentioned his grandson at all?
0:27:56 > 0:27:57BOTH: Nah.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00No, I think Grandpa's forgotten all about you.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02No, he can't have.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Visiting hours are between 3:00 and 3:15 every alternate Sunday.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Until then, kindly bog off.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11GATE BOOMS
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Right, it's time to go, everyone. Hurry up.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I've barely touched my Viennetta.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Come on, Shelley, we need to go visit Grandpa.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I'm not coming, I've got to tape the charts.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33And I need to test this lip liner on next door's cat.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Oh, come on, Mum.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Oh, I don't know, look at all the balloons.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57MUSIC: The Birdie Song by The Tweets
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Welcome, welcome.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Are you having a party today?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Every day is party day at Twilight Towers.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Oh, come in and see for yourself.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11MUSIC CONTINUES
0:29:47 > 0:29:51Yes, we do like to give the old folk the very best time.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55I mean, we can't be sure how much time they've got left.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Which reminds me, did you bring Mr Bunting's documentation,
0:29:58 > 0:30:00the passport, the driving licence, the will?
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Yes, yes, of course.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Put them all in the study with the rest of them, please.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Well, what a lovely visit, we'll see you again in two weeks.
0:30:12 > 0:30:13Where's Grandpa?
0:30:13 > 0:30:16He's very, very tired, he didn't want to see you.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18I don't believe you.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Nurse Blossom!
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Will you fetch Mr Bunting?
0:30:26 > 0:30:29You're a very demanding boy.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Dad?
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Dad?
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Are you there?
0:30:43 > 0:30:46We bought you a soap on a rope.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- I've got your favourite sweets. - Oh, he's fast asleep, bless.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55What have they done to you?
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Um, I think I might take Grandpa out into the garden,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04the air might perk him up a little bit.
0:31:11 > 0:31:12All clear, Wing Commander.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16Sorry about that, Squadron Leader, er, I'll have those now.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Er, had to pretend to be asleep, the guards here in Colditz,
0:31:19 > 0:31:21they force feed us sleeping pills.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29We get given them morning and night.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Luckily, I managed to hide mine under my moustache.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Three nights ago, I undertook a reconnaissance mission.
0:31:40 > 0:31:46I saw the Kommandant doing something very strange with a pile of papers.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50I leave all my worldly goods to...
0:31:51 > 0:31:55She must be forging the wills, taking all the money.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Then I found a room with valuables in it.
0:32:03 > 0:32:04And a number of coffins.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Could there be some mysterious connection?
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I'm not sure it's that mysterious.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Well, since then, they've increased the patrols.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18FOOTSTEPS THUD
0:32:18 > 0:32:19We have to break you out.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Too right, we do, but the trouble is they're suspicious,
0:32:22 > 0:32:25they've increased my sleeping pill dose as well,
0:32:25 > 0:32:28my moustache isn't big enough to hide them all, look, see,
0:32:28 > 0:32:30they're like sweets, they don't taste as nice.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Then why not take these instead? You could switch them.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, genius.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43Raj had a special offer, 11 tubes for the price of 12.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Yes, you're going to have to work on your maths, Squadron Leader.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- No, these are just the ticket. - What else do you need?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Well, any escape attempt requires string, lots of string.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54String.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55Do you have a Browning revolver?
0:32:55 > 0:32:57- Er, no.- Arsenic?- I don't think so.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- Flame-thrower?- Tricky.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Then, just make sure you've plenty of string.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04More string. When will we do it?
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Well, I've to finish my map, compile a weather report
0:33:07 > 0:33:10and I'm halfway through a jigsaw of Big Ben at twilight.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12There's quite a lot of sky to fill in.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Tomorrow night?
0:33:16 > 0:33:21Now, Squadron Leader, are you sure you volunteer for this mission?
0:33:21 > 0:33:23It will be dangerous.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- I'll be here.- Brave chap.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Ah, there you are!
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Still nattering 31 seconds
0:33:29 > 0:33:32after visiting hours have actually finished.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Gramps, you must be exhausted.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37What you really need now is a very long nap.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40- See you soon, Dad. - Take care.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45Don't worry, I shall be keeping a very close eye on him day and night.
0:33:45 > 0:33:51MUSIC PLAYS: Girls On Film by Duran Duran
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Why wouldn't you come and see Grandpa?
0:33:55 > 0:33:58- Shut up, you're talking over Duran Duran.- I don't care.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Blah, blah, blah, I'm Simon Le Bon
0:34:00 > 0:34:03and I've got a stupid French name, even though I'm from Pinner.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Why don't you care about Grandpa any more?
0:34:08 > 0:34:12I did care about him, I did, but he's not Grandpa any more,
0:34:12 > 0:34:15he's someone else, it's scary.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17No.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20He's still Grandpa and he cares about us like he always did...
0:34:22 > 0:34:23..even if you don't.
0:34:49 > 0:34:54MUSIC PLAYS: 9 To 5 by Dolly Parton
0:35:08 > 0:35:10# It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it... #
0:35:10 > 0:35:12- Dazza? - Oh. hello.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14MUSIC STOPS
0:35:14 > 0:35:18You said if I was ever in trouble, you'd teach me kung fu.
0:35:20 > 0:35:25Yes, grasshopper, er, listen to the master.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29So the secret of kung fu is that you have to hit
0:35:29 > 0:35:32someone as hard as you can and shout kung fu.
0:35:34 > 0:35:35All right, kung fu!
0:35:38 > 0:35:41So...you don't know kung fu?
0:35:43 > 0:35:47- Great. Don't tell Shelley I've been here.- Well, where are you going?
0:35:47 > 0:35:49To see Grandpa, but don't tell her that.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51- Do tell her or don't tell her? - Don't.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Don't do tell her or do don't tell her?
0:35:59 > 0:36:02THUNDER RUMBLES
0:36:05 > 0:36:08OWL HOOTS
0:36:43 > 0:36:45HE GRUNTS
0:37:14 > 0:37:15Twit-twoo!
0:37:25 > 0:37:30..Event of my inevitable death, the sole beneficiary...
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Me.
0:37:35 > 0:37:36Grab it.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40- It's made from... - Ladies' knickers, yes.
0:37:40 > 0:37:41Where did you get them all?
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Well, well, they're not mine, if that's what you're trying to say.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48- Come on.- I'm not going to escape in my pyjamas - the shame!
0:37:48 > 0:37:50We don't have long!
0:37:55 > 0:37:58Wing Commander! Ready?
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Er, absolutely. Just one little thing...
0:38:03 > 0:38:05HE WHISTLES
0:38:07 > 0:38:08Orderly fashion, please.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11How many people have you got up there?
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Er, not more than 20. I...I shared out my Smarties.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15But, Grandpa!
0:38:15 > 0:38:19No buts. It's every British prisoner of war's duty to escape.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Right, everybody, who's first?
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Would you put the kettle on? I'm parched.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Would anyone like a game of contract whist?
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Oh, this is hatch is too small.
0:38:37 > 0:38:43Excuse me - is there a powder room in the vicinity?
0:38:43 > 0:38:44I beg your pardon?
0:38:45 > 0:38:48I wish to visit the lavatorium.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52I'm desperate for a wazz!
0:38:53 > 0:38:56You'll just have to hold it in for a little while, madam, for King
0:38:56 > 0:38:57and country.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Come on! What are you doing?
0:38:59 > 0:39:02There's no need to be irate, dear.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05- What did he say? - You all have to get down now.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Where are we going?
0:39:09 > 0:39:13We could be down already, if you stopped barking at us.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15I can't do it, I can't abide heights.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Well, it's just like riding a bike.
0:39:18 > 0:39:23I've never ridden a bike. Perhaps if YOU could show me...
0:39:24 > 0:39:25Very well.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37SHE MUTTERS
0:39:37 > 0:39:40- I didn't mean leave me. - I'll catch you.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43- Do you promise? - Absolutely.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Well, in that case...
0:39:46 > 0:39:47..here I come!
0:39:53 > 0:39:55SHE GROANS
0:39:58 > 0:39:59You see?
0:39:59 > 0:40:00Nothing to worry about.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04My foot's caught in the gusset!
0:40:07 > 0:40:09Oh, dear.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18- Did she see you? - No, I think I got away with it.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22AIR RAID SIRENS WAIL
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Quick, head east-northeast.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Well, that way.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33We'll never make it past the searchlights.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35You will if we create a diversion.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Come on find them, find them... Find them now!
0:40:43 > 0:40:44Over here!
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Ah, I should've known.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49A mass escape attempt with you as the ringleader.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52It was all my idea. Please let Grandpa go.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54This young chap had nothing to do with it,
0:40:54 > 0:40:55I claim full responsibility.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Oh, shut up. Do you know what this is?
0:40:58 > 0:41:01- Looks like a toasting fork. - It's a cattle prod!
0:41:01 > 0:41:03- Where'd you get that? - It was a birthday present.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05That's a funny sort of birthday present.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07- It's what I asked for! - Pfft.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09It can knock a man out cold...
0:41:09 > 0:41:11SIZZLES
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Torture is strictly forbidden on prisoners of war.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16You'll never dare use it.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20Which one of you was responsible for dishing out the sleeping
0:41:20 > 0:41:21pills this afternoon?
0:41:21 > 0:41:22Me, Miss.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25WAILS
0:41:28 > 0:41:31- It's a chap! - Yes, hadn't you noticed?
0:41:31 > 0:41:34No, and I've been caught out a few times before, come to think of it.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Get them. Go on.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Kung fu!
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Oh!
0:41:41 > 0:41:42It works.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45Well done, Squad... He's a chap, as well.
0:41:47 > 0:41:48- Charge, recharge! - What shall we do now?
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Well, we've got to keep them away from the POWs.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53- Let go of my foot! - So up here!
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Let go!
0:42:01 > 0:42:04SHE HUMS
0:42:04 > 0:42:05Where now?
0:42:05 > 0:42:07I haven't thought that far ahead.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14We're not giving up without a fight, Herr Kommandant.
0:42:14 > 0:42:15Kommandant?
0:42:15 > 0:42:18I think you must've lost what remains of your tiny mind.
0:42:18 > 0:42:19The war was over 40 years ago.
0:42:19 > 0:42:26You're nothing but a sad... little...old man.
0:42:26 > 0:42:27SIZZLES
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Oh, sorry...
0:42:29 > 0:42:31..but I really am bursting for the loo.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Ah! You're picking those up.
0:42:37 > 0:42:38Yes, excuse me.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Come here!
0:42:42 > 0:42:44AH!
0:42:46 > 0:42:49She's out cold. We have to escape while we can.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51We can't leave without Miss Trifle.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54How much longer are you going to be?
0:42:54 > 0:42:57I can't go at all, if you're listening in.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00Oh, there's only the cheap, scratchy paper.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04Well, yeah, well, you'll have to make do, madam, there's a war on.
0:43:04 > 0:43:05TOILET FLUSHES
0:43:08 > 0:43:11Um, er, I'd leave it a few moments, if I were you.
0:43:11 > 0:43:12Follow me.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21How did you get the cricket bat?
0:43:21 > 0:43:23There's no way out.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25I've got an idea, something Raj told me.
0:43:25 > 0:43:26What?
0:43:26 > 0:43:29That there's just one way out of here, this way.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36MUSIC: Two Tribes by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
0:43:38 > 0:43:40That's made me angry.
0:43:50 > 0:43:52I've got a plan but we need some wheels.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55Wheels? I know just the place. You look after Miss Trifle.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57Come out, come out.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00# When two tribes go to war... #
0:44:00 > 0:44:03- Stop pushing! - I'm not pushing.
0:44:03 > 0:44:04There's no need to be rude.
0:44:08 > 0:44:11Mission accomplished. I've got the roller-skates.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13So now we have to attach them here and here.
0:44:13 > 0:44:17Bolt the doors! No-one escapes!
0:44:17 > 0:44:19- HALT!- What did he say?- Stop!
0:44:23 > 0:44:24You see?
0:44:24 > 0:44:27For a good old-fashioned escape, you always need plenty of string.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30I hope you're not going to ask me to sit in that coffin.
0:44:30 > 0:44:31Oh, I, absolutely not, madam.
0:44:31 > 0:44:33- Thank goodness. - I'm ordering you.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38I'm doing it, but under duress.
0:44:38 > 0:44:39You too, Wing Commander.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42Hold on a second, I've left something under my mattress.
0:44:42 > 0:44:44- We don't have time! - I must have it.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48So...is your grandfather single?
0:44:52 > 0:44:54Um, I think so, why?
0:44:55 > 0:44:57No reason.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59What are you two nattering about?
0:44:59 > 0:45:00BOTH: Nothing.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02Ready?
0:45:03 > 0:45:05Oh, my goodness, it's a coffin toboggan!
0:45:05 > 0:45:08It's a coffboggan!
0:45:08 > 0:45:10- Stand your ground! - Geronimo!
0:45:19 > 0:45:21Oh, oh, can we do it again? Again!
0:45:21 > 0:45:25Yeah, tempting, madam, but now's not the time.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34Come on, what are you waiting for? Get up and chase them.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37Or do you want me to, to shock you into it?
0:45:38 > 0:45:39Shocks...
0:45:41 > 0:45:43SHE SHRIEKS
0:45:46 > 0:45:47AIR RAID SIRENS
0:45:51 > 0:45:53- You made it. - I don't know how we'll get over.
0:45:53 > 0:45:55What are we going to do?
0:45:55 > 0:45:57I'm sorry, I don't know, we're trapped.
0:45:57 > 0:45:59- What we really need is... - A ladder?
0:45:59 > 0:46:02Yeah, that's right, yeah... Who said that?
0:46:02 > 0:46:04Shelley!
0:46:04 > 0:46:07All right, wrinklies, over we come.
0:46:07 > 0:46:09Chop chop, we ain't got all day.
0:46:15 > 0:46:16I know you, don't I?
0:46:18 > 0:46:20Shelley Bunting of the Women's Airforce Auxiliary Service
0:46:20 > 0:46:22reporting for duty, sir.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26I was missing in action but I'm back now.
0:46:27 > 0:46:31Good to have you here, Shelley. Very good indeed.
0:46:38 > 0:46:41Right, fine work, people but we need to find a safe haven,
0:46:41 > 0:46:46so fall in and by the left, quick march. Left, right...
0:46:48 > 0:46:50MUSIC: Colonel Bogey March
0:47:09 > 0:47:10Company...halt!
0:47:13 > 0:47:16We will report Miss Dandy to the authorities.
0:47:16 > 0:47:17And have a nice cup of tea.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21Perhaps the police would like a game of gin rummy.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25This has been the most exciting night of my life.
0:47:25 > 0:47:27Just doing my duty.
0:47:27 > 0:47:28My hero.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:47:44 > 0:47:46Back to base?
0:47:46 > 0:47:50- Actually, I'm feeling quite peckish. - Raj's will be open.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52MUSICAL HORN BLARES
0:47:53 > 0:47:55Anyone want a lift?
0:47:55 > 0:47:56Oh, oh.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58MUSIC PLAYS: Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran
0:47:58 > 0:48:00What, don't you have any proper music?
0:48:00 > 0:48:02- Er, this is proper music. - I've got some Spandau Ballet.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04Spandau Ballet?!
0:48:08 > 0:48:10Mr Bumting, you escaped!
0:48:10 > 0:48:13Of course we did, for King and country.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15Oh, this is a cause for celebration.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18Take whatever you want, anything at all.
0:48:18 > 0:48:20- Thank you. - Yes, most kind.
0:48:24 > 0:48:25That'll be £3.20.
0:48:33 > 0:48:35- Mum will be up soon. - But...
0:48:35 > 0:48:38We'd better go home, I mean, to our quarters.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41Absolutely not, the Luftwaffe could strike at any moment.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43It's bedtime, Grandpa.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46The Nazis won't be asleep. Get me to my Spitfire,
0:48:46 > 0:48:48I need to take to the skies!
0:48:50 > 0:48:52Er, Mr Bumting?
0:48:52 > 0:48:54It would greatly help the war effort, er,
0:48:54 > 0:48:59if you could, er, put these spicy Nik Naks on that shelf.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01Oh, of course, Quartermaster.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08He's got worse. It's all my fault.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11I pretended the war was still on.
0:49:11 > 0:49:16No, Jack, you have always been a wonderful grandson. The best.
0:49:16 > 0:49:21Please, please, can you get through to him?
0:49:21 > 0:49:25Jack, I've known your grandfather for a long time.
0:49:26 > 0:49:27He's not a well man.
0:49:28 > 0:49:32I know, he has a weak heart.
0:49:33 > 0:49:35Then why not let him have one final flight?
0:49:44 > 0:49:46This, please.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52So, Wing Commander, let's get you to your plane.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54Not before time.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02Where next, lads?
0:50:02 > 0:50:03War museum, please.
0:50:05 > 0:50:07I bought this record. Put it on the gramophone.
0:50:10 > 0:50:14MUSIC PLAYS: The Dam Busters Theme
0:50:20 > 0:50:23Good job I'm an irresponsible teenager, otherwise I'd be
0:50:23 > 0:50:25telling you what a really bad idea this is.
0:50:25 > 0:50:29We're only stealing a Spitfire, nothing to worry about.
0:50:48 > 0:50:53There's not been a single day I haven't dreamt of flying you again.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Ready, co-pilot?
0:51:07 > 0:51:08You're taking me?
0:51:08 > 0:51:11Of course, we're a team.
0:51:14 > 0:51:15Ooh.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17MUSIC: Wild Boys by Duran Duran
0:51:30 > 0:51:32Just one thing missing...
0:51:41 > 0:51:43This is for you, Squadron Leader.
0:51:45 > 0:51:48This is yours, you can't give me this.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55Nobody deserves it more than you do.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00Thank you, sir.
0:52:08 > 0:52:09Canopy secure?
0:52:09 > 0:52:11Check.
0:52:11 > 0:52:12- Propeller set to low? - Check.
0:52:12 > 0:52:16- Fuel gauge on full? - It's empty.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19We're going to have to get out and push.
0:52:24 > 0:52:27I'm so going to get grounded for this.
0:52:29 > 0:52:342,031...slight scuffing.
0:52:54 > 0:52:56Damn it, er, pay for that.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00I don't think my Griffin Savers Account's quite that flush.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02We'll have to requisition the fuel. It's for the war effort,
0:53:02 > 0:53:04they'll understand.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10It's the Spitfire, that's my Spitfire.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12I think you'd better get back in the plane.
0:53:12 > 0:53:15Yes, you're right there, Squadron Leader.
0:53:15 > 0:53:18Code Spitfire in a garage, repeat, code Spitfire in a garage.
0:53:18 > 0:53:19ENGINE STARTS
0:53:23 > 0:53:25We've got to take off now.
0:53:25 > 0:53:26Call the police, call the A Team.
0:53:28 > 0:53:30Stop that plane! Stop!
0:53:32 > 0:53:33We need a clear runway.
0:53:33 > 0:53:35They aren't going to make it.
0:53:36 > 0:53:39PLANE APPROACHES
0:53:39 > 0:53:41Dad?
0:53:48 > 0:53:50Plane coming through.
0:53:52 > 0:53:55Plane coming through. Stop!
0:53:57 > 0:53:59Jack? Don't be late for school!
0:54:01 > 0:54:02Up, up and away!
0:54:02 > 0:54:04Up, up and away!
0:54:15 > 0:54:17It's amazing.
0:54:17 > 0:54:20Nothing better. Would you like to take the controls?
0:54:20 > 0:54:22Really?
0:54:22 > 0:54:24Why not? All yours, Squadron Leader.
0:54:25 > 0:54:27Wow.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29They've never made a plane quite like her.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Do you want to take her for a loop-the-loop?
0:54:31 > 0:54:33- Can I? - Of course, like this.
0:54:35 > 0:54:37Wahoo!
0:54:44 > 0:54:45Can we stay like this forever...
0:54:45 > 0:54:48- ..Wing Commander? Just you and me? - What's to stop us?
0:54:55 > 0:54:58Jerry's got a brand-new plane, I see.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02- They want us to land. - We'll never surrender!
0:55:04 > 0:55:07This is Harrier Red Leader, you're in restricted air space.
0:55:07 > 0:55:09Land or we will fire.
0:55:15 > 0:55:16That was a warning shot.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18Land immediately or we'll shoot you down.
0:55:18 > 0:55:19You won't catch me.
0:55:22 > 0:55:23Grandpa, you have to listen to me.
0:55:23 > 0:55:26We're not at war with Germany any more, they're British planes,
0:55:26 > 0:55:29we have to land now. I, I don't want us to be shot down.
0:55:32 > 0:55:35What... Jack?
0:55:35 > 0:55:36Yes.
0:55:36 > 0:55:38My grandson?
0:55:39 > 0:55:41That's right, Grandpa.
0:55:42 > 0:55:47You've been wonderful to me, Jack, the best grandson there could be.
0:55:49 > 0:55:50But you've got to bail out now.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53What about you?
0:55:53 > 0:55:58I haven't long left, Jack, dodgy ticker and all that and,
0:55:58 > 0:56:01and up here I'm the person I want to be,
0:56:01 > 0:56:04I don't want to be the person I am down there, not anymore.
0:56:07 > 0:56:09I don't want you to die.
0:56:11 > 0:56:15As long as you love me, Jack, I can never die.
0:56:18 > 0:56:20I'll always love you.
0:56:21 > 0:56:24But I don't want to leave you. I won't!
0:56:24 > 0:56:27Sorry, Squadron Leader, I'm pulling rank.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35Up, up, and away!
0:56:41 > 0:56:43Up, up, and away.
0:56:56 > 0:56:58BELLS TOLL
0:57:00 > 0:57:03Jack, I'm so sorry for your loss.
0:57:05 > 0:57:06Thank you, Raj.
0:57:06 > 0:57:09Er, is it true they never found the plane or your grandfather?
0:57:11 > 0:57:12Yes.
0:57:12 > 0:57:16It's an empty coffin. We don't know where he is.
0:57:18 > 0:57:20He's looking down on us all, I'm sure.
0:57:20 > 0:57:24Your father was always very proud of you, Mr Bumting.
0:57:24 > 0:57:25Me?
0:57:25 > 0:57:28Said you were the finest cone counter there was.
0:57:36 > 0:57:39Jack, er, I owe you an apology.
0:57:39 > 0:57:44I've researched your grandfather and he did lead a team of brave
0:57:44 > 0:57:48young men in the Battle of Britain, that is a fact.
0:57:49 > 0:57:52- He was a hero. - He certainly was.
0:57:52 > 0:57:56Your grandpa would have saved thousands of lives on the ground.
0:57:57 > 0:57:59Thank you, Miss Verity.
0:57:59 > 0:58:01Yes, well...
0:58:01 > 0:58:04- SHE CLEARS THROAT - ..I have also written up a questionnaire on the history
0:58:04 > 0:58:06of the church, so, er, let's crack on with that.
0:58:06 > 0:58:08There's one for you, sir, if that's OK?
0:58:08 > 0:58:10Er, just try and keep your, er, writing in the lines.
0:58:10 > 0:58:11DOOR CLOSES
0:58:13 > 0:58:15Not many bums on seats today.
0:58:15 > 0:58:18The deceased can't have had too many friends.
0:58:18 > 0:58:20THEY CHUCKLE
0:58:21 > 0:58:23COMMOTION OUTSIDE
0:58:28 > 0:58:29Oh, Lord.
0:58:33 > 0:58:36Oh, shuffle along, shuffle along.
0:58:36 > 0:58:39Right, is that everyone now? Can we finally begin?
0:58:39 > 0:58:42Er, there should be a few others actually so, er...
0:58:43 > 0:58:46Gentlemen, by the left, quick march.
0:58:52 > 0:58:54I tracked them down, to invite them.
0:59:03 > 0:59:06All these men served with Grandpa in the war.
0:59:10 > 0:59:12This...is his squadron.
0:59:22 > 0:59:25Welcome, it's a great honour to have you here, gentlemen.
0:59:25 > 0:59:27And you must come round to ours afterwards.
0:59:27 > 0:59:29I've laid on a lovely cold spread.
0:59:29 > 0:59:32- Come on. - And I'll have a range of musky body sprays on special.
0:59:32 > 0:59:34No, they don't want any body spray.
0:59:34 > 0:59:36Finally, we can begin. Music, maestro, please.
0:59:39 > 0:59:42PLAYS OFF KEY
0:59:42 > 0:59:43Ha, right.
0:59:43 > 0:59:48We are here to mourn the passing of someone very special.
0:59:50 > 0:59:54We are all going to miss insert name here very much.
0:59:54 > 0:59:58He was born in insert place here in the year insert year here.
0:59:59 > 1:00:03I'm sure we all has lovely memories of him...
1:00:04 > 1:00:06And who could forget
1:00:06 > 1:00:11the time he insert heart-warming detail here, to make it personal...
1:00:18 > 1:00:20Stop the funeral!
1:00:20 > 1:00:22Oh, thank God for that.
1:00:22 > 1:00:25He is Miss Dandy from Twilight Towers.
1:00:25 > 1:00:27Or she's him, they're the same person.
1:00:27 > 1:00:30- That's absurd. - He's a crook who forges wills.
1:00:30 > 1:00:33He, he's crackers, he is. He's crackers, just like his grandad.
1:00:33 > 1:00:35And they're the nurses.
1:00:37 > 1:00:42Nonsense, they deny it, don't you? Deny it, deny it.
1:00:42 > 1:00:43We were made to do it.
1:00:43 > 1:00:46I'll confess everything. I'm too pretty for prison.
1:00:46 > 1:00:49You stole our jewellery.
1:00:49 > 1:00:51You drugged us.
1:00:51 > 1:00:54You locked up the playing cards, so we couldn't play strip poker.
1:00:54 > 1:00:57Yeah, well, at least I knows how to enjoy money!
1:00:57 > 1:01:02What's the point in having cash if you're all completely gaga, hey?
1:01:05 > 1:01:08I'll show you gaga!
1:01:09 > 1:01:11- Go on, then!- You!
1:01:19 > 1:01:21Don't hurt me.
1:01:21 > 1:01:23I have a very low pain threshold.
1:01:26 > 1:01:29Yeah, kung fu!
1:01:37 > 1:01:38ALL GASP
1:01:38 > 1:01:40So what if I forged a few wills?
1:01:42 > 1:01:46So what if I posed as a vicar to lure the old people into the home?
1:01:46 > 1:01:52All I wanted was a holiday home in Mustique. Is that too much to ask?
1:01:52 > 1:01:54Huh?
1:01:54 > 1:01:58Is church always this exciting? I'll have to come more often.
1:01:59 > 1:02:01ALL BOO
1:02:03 > 1:02:06I'll be back. I'll be back.
1:02:06 > 1:02:08ALL JEER
1:02:18 > 1:02:19CHORAL REQUIEM
1:02:23 > 1:02:25That was incredibly brave, Jack.
1:02:25 > 1:02:29- Me and your dad are very proud of you, and you, Shells.- Yeah.
1:02:34 > 1:02:36I'll let you say goodbye.
1:03:21 > 1:03:23SPITFIRE'S ENGINE
1:03:29 > 1:03:30Grandpa!
1:03:30 > 1:03:32Oh, oh!
1:03:35 > 1:03:37GRANDPA CHEERS
1:03:37 > 1:03:38I would see grandpa every night,
1:03:38 > 1:03:40just at the time I was falling asleep.
1:03:42 > 1:03:44Now I have a child of my own,
1:03:44 > 1:03:48I tell her all about the adventures of my grandfather and every night
1:03:48 > 1:03:53we see him too, flying his Spitfire across the sky he kept safe for us.
1:03:54 > 1:03:56Up, up, and away.
1:03:56 > 1:04:01Grandpa was right - as long as you love someone, they can never die.