0:00:02 > 0:00:06Stay on me. I am, after all, the beating heart of this film.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Action.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14- Welcome. My name... - BOYS SHOUTING
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Nice try.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- HE GROANS - Detention!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20HE TRILLS HIS LIPS LOUDLY
0:00:20 > 0:00:21- FLEUR:- Take two.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Welcome. My name is Bell. Crispin Bell. And as head teacher...
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Former head teacher.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Former head teacher here at Elmsmere,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34today I'll be showing you the caring and supportive environment that we
0:00:34 > 0:00:37can offer to your delightful children.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Here you'll find it's not just about what goes on in the classroom.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46We also strive to pass on new skills for practical situations too,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49For the day will come when tiny fledglings need to
0:00:49 > 0:00:52spread their wings and fly the nest I like to call school.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Flap, flap!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58And I think I can say without fear of contradiction that the
0:00:58 > 0:01:01bond between pupil and staff here is so supportive, something very...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03HE GROANS
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Wow. That must have really hurt. Gosh, I do hope that you're OK.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Shall we just get on with it?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12HE CRACKS HIS NECK
0:01:19 > 0:01:21HE LAUGHS
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Oh. Just a little bit of War And Peace.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I often like to read boring and difficult books.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31And here at Elmsmere, we cater for every type of student,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35from the intellectual - like me -
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- down to the... - Total numpty, like you.- Detention.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- And cut.- Take two.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46The broad syllabus and wide spectrum of extra-curricular activities...
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- Oh, puh-lease.- Excuse me? - This is well boring.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52This is for kids to watch, right?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Persuade them to come to HELLsmere? - Partly.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56And to remind the governors that I'm
0:01:56 > 0:01:58still a major figure within the school.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It's awful. Kids will hate it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Rubbish. Anyway, what do you know about that?- I'm a kid.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07You need to talk to us in language we'll understand.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Try saying, "OK.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13"We do stupid maths and English but we do some almost fun stuff too."
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Duh.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18So, we do maths.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22We're experts at maths.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I think it's great to be able to pass on my wealth of knowledge to
0:02:25 > 0:02:27the next generation.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I can show you how to write "boobies" on a calculator.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33We're inspirational at English.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Ding dong...comma.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Youre - without the E.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Your possessive pronouns - Mum's.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42That's Mum apostrophe S, as in,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44"Ding dong, your mum IS a hairy moose,"
0:02:44 > 0:02:48and that's M-O-O-S-E.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50She's a great big smelly thing with antlers,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52not a strawberry-flavoured dessert.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54We do some almost fun stuff too.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- For example... Oh. Hey! You there. - HE CHUCKLES
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Why not tell our prospective new pupils all about the athletic
0:03:01 > 0:03:05endeavours within which you can particulate here at Elmsmere?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07He means go on about PE and that.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Ah, right! Why didn't you say?
0:03:10 > 0:03:14You don't learn, do you? Typical teacher.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I don't really like PE.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Rubina Carr says there's one-eyed cockroaches living in the showers.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23FLEUR LAUGHS
0:03:24 > 0:03:29As the saying says, healthy body, healthy mind.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30And under my rule, and beyond,
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Elmsmere has become famous for encouraging physical activity
0:03:35 > 0:03:37in all its forms.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Nice shot.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48So, during their time here, many children find that they achieve far
0:03:48 > 0:03:51more athletically speaking than they ever could have hoped.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- I reckon that's true, actually.- I'm warning you, Murphy. I mean, um...
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Go on.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- I agree. I reckon that if you come here...- Hold on. Look, give me that.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Give me...
0:04:02 > 0:04:04You were saying?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Just that if you come here, you do end up running all the time.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Do go on.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Oi! Carter!- FLEUR:- Well, you run because you can't hide.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Like from the hard kids.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21STUDENTS CHEER
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- ELEESHA:- And from the teachers.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Yeah. Especially from the teachers.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Out of the way.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Uh, there's a mad bull!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35HE GROANS
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Argh! Brain freeze.- Come on, Ash. Stop eating.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Detention, all of you!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- That's not what I meant.- Sorry, sir.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Did tell you to talk in a language kids would understand.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Have you two heard this?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Apparently, the best students also make the best marathon runners.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Yeah? - HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Big whoop. "Ooh, I'm clever and I can run to Burnley and back
0:05:05 > 0:05:06"and I'm still breathing."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- "And I'm rubbish with girls." - HE LAUGHS
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Yeah, but that means that you could say that education
0:05:12 > 0:05:14pays off in the long run.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18In the long run. See?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I'm doing a stand-up routine at the next Scout jamboree.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23That's my opening joke. Ba-dum-tss.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- It's funny.- It's garbage.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Mr Nunn's good at running and there ain't no way he was a good student.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33So, how is this a drama lesson again, sir?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37It's the beautiful game, Murphy. It's pure drama.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42- Well, I've got this Romeo And Juliet speech and I was so...- Sh!
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I'm here with the man responsible for ensuring that Elmsmere
0:05:49 > 0:05:53students are fine physical specimens as well as mental ones -
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Mr Graham Nunn.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Not a man I hired, but, uh, an adequate teacher, I'm sure.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I meant...meant to do that.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Right. You got five minutes. Hit me.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Graham, before we start,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12how about you run through a few of your qualifications?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Qualifications?- University degrees.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Professional body registrations.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22St John's Ambulance first aid certificates.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Now, look, a bit of paper from some two-bit college ain't going to help
0:06:26 > 0:06:27anyone when the rugby ball needs twanging.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30The most important thing about sport is to be good at it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31But you are actually qualified...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Speaking of which, your lot are shocking.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Watching your lot play football
0:06:35 > 0:06:37is like watching a baby nutting a kitten -
0:06:37 > 0:06:40funny at first, but in the end, just a waste of everyone's time.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Rubbish.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46There are some excellent athletic specimens among my so-called lot.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49How about pretty much the entire cross-country team, for starters?
0:06:49 > 0:06:54Next item - Mr Nunn's cross-country team to represent Elmsmere at this
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Friday's borough trials.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01And I'm sure you'd all like to join me in congratulating Ashley Newman,
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Agness Addo, Zoe-Marie Ingham, Isaac Rodgers and Josh Carter.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10STUDENTS BOO
0:07:10 > 0:07:13A fair few Elmsbury names in there.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- A fluke.- I don't think so.- I do.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That cross-country was a total one-off.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19That shower usually couldn't run a bath.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21HE CHUCKLES
0:07:23 > 0:07:24WHISTLE BLOWING
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- The race is this way.- Yeah, and the bunking off's this way.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- MR NUNN:- Get your back into it!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- You'll get in trouble.- Fine. Have it your way, you Fowlmere baby.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I'm not a baby. I've never been a baby.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I think you'll find it was just a freak good day.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41And I think you'll find that it was actually an example of strong
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Elmsbury athletic stock.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I think you'll find there was just some blatant cheating.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS - Oi! Back around there.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49And back on me. Back on me.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- And also don't be so ridiculous. They didn't cheat.- No. No way.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Not with me in charge. - For one.- Yeah.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Quick, they're coming. Act like you're tired.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01THEY GROAN AND PANT
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- How did you get back before I did? - Uh, talent.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Sir, they cheated.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13Sir, even look at Isaac's shoes. He ran so hard that they fell apart.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Oh, yeah. Maybe I can give you the benefit of the doubt.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Well done.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Very disappointing.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23HE LAUGHS
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I'm an intimidating man, you see,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27and I don't apologise for it either.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It's probably because of my combat training.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- FLEUR LAUGHS - What's that, Murphy?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34You want to do ten laps of the field?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And now for the practical side.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Perhaps you can tell us what sports are actually on offer here.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Well, why don't I tell you what sports AREN'T on offer here?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Because someone stuck their little girly nose in
0:08:46 > 0:08:47where it wasn't wanted.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Hey, Murphy? Do you remember boxing club? I do.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56The noble art of biffing someone you don't like into bloody submission,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59flushed down the toilet because of political correctness gone mad.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- What are you doing, sir?- Nothing to do with you, sweetheart. Run along.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- Uh, why does it say "for boys only"? - Uh, cos it's a boxing club.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11What - are you saying that girls can't box?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- No, I'm not saying they can't, I'm saying they're rubbish at it.- Why?
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Evolution.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Look, basically, women have got small, flimsy arms for sewing and
0:09:20 > 0:09:22cooking, whilst men have got big,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- muscly arms for fighting sabre-tooth tigers.- Uh, isn't that a bit sexist?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28It's not sexist.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I'm just saying that a woman boxing is like a dog riding a skateboard.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32It's just wrong.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Oh, boxing! Can I join?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35- HE LAUGHS - Of course you can.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Show us your left hook. There we go.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39You should be ashamed of yourself,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41spoiling it for the ones that matter.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43That's the boys.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Oi, sir! Mr Nunn is being sexist again.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48HE SIGHS
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- BOXING BELL DINGING BOTH:- # What?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51# Who says that girls can't box?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54# We're female We're used to fighting a lot
0:09:54 > 0:09:56# So, Mr Nunn, you don't know what you done
0:09:56 > 0:09:59# And your best bet now is probably just run
0:09:59 > 0:10:02# Pow! Aren't you laughing now?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04# Gloved up with a plastic thing in my mouth
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- # Pow! - # Knock anybody out
0:10:06 > 0:10:09# If I had to, your whole crew be like "wow"
0:10:09 > 0:10:12# Step into the ring, now you don't know what to do
0:10:12 > 0:10:14# Princess and fairy wings was Year Two
0:10:14 > 0:10:17# Just cos we're smaller, with nicer hair
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# Doesn't mean that we ain't fighters, yeah
0:10:19 > 0:10:22# And anything you can do, we can do better
0:10:22 > 0:10:24# Second-class citizens once, but now we're fed up
0:10:24 > 0:10:26# You ain't had a test like this before
0:10:26 > 0:10:29# It's a scientific fact that we're more mature
0:10:29 > 0:10:32# So stick it up your bogey-filled nose if you're sexist
0:10:32 > 0:10:34# What's the most embarrassing thing on your checklist?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37# Number one worst thing in the whole world?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39# Probably getting beaten up by a girl!
0:10:39 > 0:10:40POW!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42# Who says that girls can't box?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44# We're female We're used to fighting a lot
0:10:44 > 0:10:47# So, Mr Nunn, you don't know what you done
0:10:47 > 0:10:49# And your best bet now is probably just run
0:10:49 > 0:10:52# Pow! #
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Listen up, girly-o.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55You can stop that policing because, let's face it,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57he can't help you out now, can he?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58- HE PRETENDS TO COUGH - Demoted.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I beg your pardon.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02And you haven't got Miss Old Stick Your Nose In Where It Isn't
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Welcome to stand up for your so-called rights either.
0:11:05 > 0:11:11- Ah! Just the man I'm looking for. - Mrs O'B. Fancy a spar?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Well, according to these girls, I couldn't even if I wanted to.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Oh, look, it's not sexism.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I'm just saying if the girls come along, it'll ruin it for the boys.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Oi, you two! Left, right, left, right!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Are you aware, Mr Nunn, that this
0:11:23 > 0:11:27school has a strict anti-discrimination policy?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28You what?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I want this boxing club open to girls or I am closing it down.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Listen, love...
0:11:34 > 0:11:38May I remind you, Mr Nunn, that as head teacher of this school,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I am your line manager.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43And, girls, I can't wait to see you in action.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Uh...er, we don't actually want to box, miss.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51It's just the principle of it.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Don't let him intimidate you. If you want to box, you go for it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Oh, and strictly warm-ups. No sparring.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59I don't want lawyers' letters like
0:11:59 > 0:12:02that mixed-age Rugby match at the open day.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03That wasn't my fault.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I mean, what sort of berk chokes on his own tooth?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- MR BELL:- You're ruining a perfectly good marketing tool.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09It's completely outrageous.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- MR NUNN: - I just tell it how I see it.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14And I see a has-been trying to boss everyone around to make himself
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- feel better.- Feel better? You wait till I'm head.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20OK, the whole boxing thing, I just wanted to say it was an important
0:12:20 > 0:12:23point of principle but it just got a bit out of hand, that's all.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28- BOYS:- Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!- Whoa, girls!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- She started it.- I never!- I don't care who started it. Bring it on!
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Maybe I underestimated you two.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Right - you in that corner, you over there.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Now, I want no biting and a good, clean fight.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42HE BLOWS THE WHISTLE
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- MRS O'BRIEN:- What's this? - Uh... All right.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I was just showing them
0:12:45 > 0:12:49what sparring looks like so they can avoid it.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You know, for their own safety.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- That's it. I'm shutting this club down.- What?!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I can't have pupils fighting in my school.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Girls, I am very disappointed in you.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03When I said get back in the ring, this is not what I had in mind.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- CAMERA BEEPING - How do you even know it's on?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Oh, right. There we go. That's it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Good.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:13:12 > 0:13:13- Ahh. - HE CHUCKLES
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Cheers.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Mmm.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Elmsmere doesn't just offer your child exciting sports
0:13:21 > 0:13:23and interesting lessons.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Our extra-curricular curriculum also offers the thrill of regular
0:13:28 > 0:13:31visits from local businesses and the community.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Right, then. Careers fair.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Sir John Wintersun, local businessman.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Owner of a string of discount stores. Getting a lot of press.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Now, he'd be a good visitor. - Good idea.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That'll get the kids talking about starting their own businesses.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Or more realistically, the chances of them
0:13:45 > 0:13:47getting a job behind one of his checkouts.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- I'm all over it. Leave it with me. - Hmm.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Now, I don't like to blow my own trumpet, but that was
0:13:53 > 0:13:57actually my idea, so...maybe a little toot-toot isn't out of order.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Toodle-ee-toot! - HE LAUGHS
0:13:59 > 0:14:00HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:14:00 > 0:14:02PHONE RINGING
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- Good night.- Night, Mr Wintersun, sir.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- MR BELL:- After all, that's why we're here...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13You might catch him before he leaves. I'll try to put you through.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17..to help the younger and, frankly, more foolish generation to step up
0:14:17 > 0:14:20and take responsibility for their own careers and life choices.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25And my staff...THE staff are here to help them do that.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- Just one moment, please.- No! Wait! There's no time.- Sorry?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I'm Dexter Harris, calling from Elmsbury Academy.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Now, I know this is ridiculously short notice, but would you like to
0:14:36 > 0:14:39be the special guest of honour at our careers day tomorrow afternoon?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I'm not the guy you want. You want someone else.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45No. Really, we don't want anyone else from that office. No-one else.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- We want you. You're exactly what our school aspires to.- Really?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50You won't be needed for more than 20 minutes.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I'll send a car for you at your office,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54and all you have to do is turn up and just be you.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59- Go on, then.- Yes! - I'll make my own way there.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Thank you so much for this. You won't regret it. Thank you. Bye.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Any problems that may have occurred were entirely the fault of others.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I was completely blameless.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I might not even have been there at the time.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- Here's your stall. As you can see, I've...- Ah.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I can see what's happened here.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Mr Harris, I think you've made a mistake.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Aaarrggghhh!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Sorry. Stubbed my toe.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31OK, what do you know about business?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34If whoever did it hasn't flushed, it's up to me.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38OK. OK. Here's what we do.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40If anybody asks you anything, just tell them
0:15:40 > 0:15:43that in the current economic climate, it's difficult to say.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Just like you know exactly what you're talking about. OK?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Sir Wintersun.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50What an honour. How are you?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53In the current economic climate, it's difficult to say.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55True. Very true.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Here at Elmsmere, we think it's vital that our pupils
0:15:59 > 0:16:02experience what the world out there has to offer.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06After all, we're preparing them to be the next skilled
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and knowledgeable workforce of the future.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- Can't believe we're nearly at the end.- Me neither.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Three Mega Icetastic Slurpees in one lunch break?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- Said it couldn't be done. Eat your words, haters.- I meant school.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I'll be the first one out of my family to finish Year 11 without
0:16:29 > 0:16:32being thrown out or being sent to live with my Auntie Ishbel.
0:16:32 > 0:16:39- Bring it on, I say. Bring it on. - So...what are we going to do now?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Play Zombie Bat Killer 4. - Forever?- If need be, my friend.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49If need be.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Right now, we're the only thing standing between earth
0:16:53 > 0:16:57and that massive gang of undead leathery bat jobs.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Speaking of jobs...- Don't you dare.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04I have peered into the world of work and I did not like what I saw.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You can count me out.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Ash.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Work experience, innit, Mrs J. I'm with my Uncle Kev.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22He's packing up.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Uh, sink, is it?
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Friends and family discount?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Argh! Oi!
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Oh!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36THEY LAUGH
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Well, you see, there's your main problem right there.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48So, um, Josh, what do you do for work experience?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I'm not doing anything, Nero. I want to be a rapper.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54What's working as a skivvy in some shop going to do for me?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Uh, apart from giving you valuable experience of life in the real world?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- JOSH LAUGHS - And cash.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03You are joking, right? It's work experience.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05You're doing it for nothing.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06You what?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I've just spent the last half hour
0:18:10 > 0:18:14with my hand up some old scuffer's manky pipes.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15HE LAUGHS
0:18:15 > 0:18:18THEY LAUGH
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Oi! Kev!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22So...you don't want a job. What about me, though?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23What am I going to do?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I like this game. Let me think. I'm never wrong.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I'd rule out anything to do with building or fixing things.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Too many old ladies' toilets. And catering's a non-starter.- Oh, yeah.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42So, what are we going to cook?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- Apple pie?- Where are we going to get apples?- Steal them from a pig.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Don't be stupid. You haven't got a pig.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It'd be good if it was something we could get for free.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Well, nettles are free.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I ain't eating nettles.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55You eat nettles if you want to get your face stung so badly.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- What about that chicken?- Yeah, like there's a chick...
0:18:58 > 0:18:59CHICKEN CLUCKING
0:18:59 > 0:19:00- Aw!- Eugh.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Chicken pie. Everyone loves chicken pie.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13- Wouldn't that kind of mean...killing it?- What? Will it?- I ain't doing it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I don't kill nothing apart from something I can squash in a magazine.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Don't look at me. I'm not doing it. Would you do it?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20- I ain't doing it. - Well, you suggested it.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Yeah, you big chicken-suggester. Or are you a chicken like the chicken?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25No.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30- Me and Ash'll do it.- What? Hang on. - Yeah. We off it and you cook it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- How's that?- Fine by me. - Fine.- Fine.- Fine, then.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- But we can't execute Mrs McClucky. - Don't give it a name.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Just makes it harder.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I think we can rule out anything where you have to kill stuff.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Hey, I tried. We both failed.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52He's looking at me.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Can we get a blindfold or something?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Where are we going to get a blindfold for a chicken?
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Not for it - for me.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05The girls are going to think we are proper wimps.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- Do it.- No, you do it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- You do it.- No, you do it.- You do it. - You do it.- You do it.- You do it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16- You do it.- You do it.- You do it. - Nah, you do it.- You do it.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Nah, you do it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- You do it.- You do it.- You.- Do it. You do it.- You do it.- You do it.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22- You do it.- You do it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24# Oh, sorry, Dr Strangecluck Life is tough
0:20:24 > 0:20:27# Only the tough survive and I'm tough, bro
0:20:27 > 0:20:29# Top of the food chain That's just how it is
0:20:29 > 0:20:32# Chickens get breadcrumbed and served with chips
0:20:32 > 0:20:34# So here, chicky, chicky, it's time to do this
0:20:34 > 0:20:36# I can do this. #
0:20:36 > 0:20:37I can't do this.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40# This is foolish I ain't whacking him
0:20:40 > 0:20:42# Maybe we could just help it to have an accident
0:20:42 > 0:20:45# Walk in the path of a firework rocket
0:20:45 > 0:20:47# Or put some chicken feed in a live plug socket
0:20:47 > 0:20:49# Why did the chicken cross the road?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52# Cos it was rush hour and she does what she's told
0:20:52 > 0:20:54# Oh, I'd rather be anywhere else in the world
0:20:54 > 0:20:56# But no, I can't look weak in front of the girls
0:20:56 > 0:20:58# This is crazy
0:20:58 > 0:21:00# Just the thought's got me feeling iller
0:21:00 > 0:21:02# It's a living thing, man I'm not a chicken killer. #
0:21:02 > 0:21:05You know what? I can't finish this.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Three Mega Icetastic Slurpees is just too much.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12A dream died here today.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Whatever. Tell me what I'm going to do.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17You're going to...
0:21:19 > 0:21:20..do your nut.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Ohh!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- HE LAUGHS - Chase me, chase me!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25SCHOOL BELL RINGING
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I cannot believe you just said that. "Young lady"? Young lady?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Who are you calling a lady? That's well sexist, that is.- No, it isn't.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Yeah, it is. It well is. Don't tell me what's sexist and not sexist.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37That's totally sexist, you great big man.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I'm going to report you to the International Human Court Of Sexist.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41This school is well outrageous.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- FLEUR:- Zoe-Marie interview, take two.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- Action.- So, this young...female...is Zoe-Marie Ingham.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Her time at her beloved Elmsmere is almost over.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- She's ready to spread her wings and fly.- Make up your mind.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Am I a lady or a bird? Or a ladybird?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Who are you calling a red, spotty insect?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02You should be setting an example,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05not going around being a great big insect insulter.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Fine. Just tell the camera about some school trips you've been on.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Tell me where the hair and make-up van is and I'll think about it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Please put your bag towards the rear of the coach.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16And check they're fastened.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Oi, Bonzo, watch where you're clonking your big clown shoes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22That's genuine counterfeit Italian. Can't just get that from anywhere.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Yeah. They only sell them off the back of trucks.- Shut up.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- At least mine aren't covered with bats and cobwebs.- OK, OK.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Just leave it towards the rear of the coach, please.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Shove off it, bag botherer.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Good to see you've got everything under control.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- And he actually fell for this? - I even made it on his printer, mate.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45He really thinks it's all tents and campfires.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48He has no idea what Sun Forest actually is.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51# You guys are going to love every minute
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# No phones, no gadgets, no internet - bin it
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# Forget about your social networks
0:22:55 > 0:22:58# I can show you how growing your own veg works
0:22:58 > 0:23:00# These city kids act so tough
0:23:00 > 0:23:03# But I bet that they're puppies when they're out in the rough
0:23:03 > 0:23:05# I'll show them and Mel who's the organised guy
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# Cos I planned ahead for the trip of a lifetime
0:23:08 > 0:23:11# They're going to love this trip Yep, I guarantee it
0:23:11 > 0:23:13# You're going to love this trip Yeah, I guarantee it
0:23:13 > 0:23:16# They're going to love this trip I guarantee it
0:23:16 > 0:23:18# I'm the man with the plan You have to see it to believe it
0:23:18 > 0:23:21# What? A plan? Of course I've got a plan
0:23:21 > 0:23:23# I don't ever play it by ear Now watch the man
0:23:23 > 0:23:25# Turn this trip from hell to heaven greeting us on earth
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# What a treat that you get to see a genius at work
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# And I can guarantee you won't be hassled by rats and fleas
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# Or have to make some tacky little house out of trees
0:23:34 > 0:23:36# With me around, you should be well chuffed, girl
0:23:36 > 0:23:38# You'll never have to poo in a self-dug hole
0:23:38 > 0:23:41# You'll never have to sit on a log where a mouse sat
0:23:41 > 0:23:44# You won't fall face-first in a cowpat
0:23:44 > 0:23:46# You see, nature has nothing to offer me
0:23:46 > 0:23:49# It can't even do the basics properly
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# You're going to love this trip Yep, I guarantee it
0:23:51 > 0:23:54# You're going to love this trip Yep, I guarantee it
0:23:54 > 0:23:56# You're going to love this trip I guarantee it
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- BOTH:- # I'm the man with the plan You have to see it to believe it
0:23:58 > 0:24:00# Yeah! #
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I ain't saying nothing about that outdoorsy tent old one.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03That was well stressy.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Apart from when we went to that wicked
0:24:05 > 0:24:07theme park by mistake cos Mr Harris is a pushover.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Only he didn't stay pushed over. Well unfair.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- He's like some kind of Weeble. - FLEUR:- Cut.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16- You are a genius, Josh Carter. - A week at a theme park.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18You're going down in history, man.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Good, but not as good as that time Shelby Turner dropped her beret
0:24:21 > 0:24:23on a dog and Shelby Jackson said it looked better.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Shelby Jackson can't talk. She looks like an otter.- Cut.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- So what did they say? Have we come to the wrong place?- No. No mistake.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It's a campsite attached to a theme park.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36You know, it really is a shame about those cowpats, man.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Yeah - like, I was really looking forward to stepping in them.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I guess we're just going to have to cope with the rides
0:24:41 > 0:24:43and the luxury caravans.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Josh, with me. Now.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51And then Mr Harris freaked the flip out because he was like,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54"I'm a teacher, I might have some fun by mistake."
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- The theme-park-hating loser sandwich.- Cut.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- This is supposed to be an educational trip.- Oh, come on.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01It is educational.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04We'll learn about being spun upside down, really fast.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Come on, Dexter. It's already been arranged.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Yeah, well, I've un-arranged it.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12And I'll make sure everyone knows this is your fault.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15So we had to leave, which was well unfair.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Almost as bad as that time I got grounded for telling
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Small Edward I was going to end him
0:25:20 > 0:25:22because he wouldn't let me kick his fence down.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Firstly, I notice a lot of you have brought gadgets.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27So I want you to put them all in this bag.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- STUDENTS GROAN - Come on.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Games, phones. Hand them over.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34We're actually going to talk to each other for a change.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- GAME BLEEPING - And you, Ash.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40What? But I almost killed the zombie ostrich.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- You touch my music, you die.- Right.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Well, maybe Miss Poppy can look after these.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Now, for the rest of the day, I want you all to imagine that you've been
0:25:57 > 0:25:59dropped in the middle of nowhere without any equipment.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01So, your first task is to build a shelter
0:26:01 > 0:26:04and a campfire over there in the woods.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Why do I have to rough it and starve to flipping death on nuts
0:26:06 > 0:26:08and berries and snakes and, like, wild hamster milk?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Cut.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- OK, let's get building.- With what?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I think you've forgotten the building equipment, sir.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17There's no equipment. That's the point.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- We have to use whatever we find. - Like what? Dead squirrels?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I ain't touching none of that. I just had my nails done.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I had more fun at the dentist when a summer wasp flew in the window.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Cut!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29You talk a lot. You know that? It's well rude.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Look, the idea is we explore the forest and see
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- if we can live with whatever nature provides.- What - like a tramp?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- I ain't doing no tramping lessons. - No - like Ray Mears.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41He lived in a swamp and he ate elephant poo.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42MR BELL SIGHS
0:26:42 > 0:26:46You must have learnt something from the trip, surely.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Yeah - to never go on a school trip. Sorted.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52And what if it rains? Or if there's animals in there?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54And how are we supposed to keep warm?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- And what are we supposed to sit on? - And what if we get dirty?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Don't think people can live with nature, sir.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Just doesn't really work.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Actually, there was one good thing that came out of that trip.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04- Really?- Yeah.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Hanging round that outdoor thingy
0:27:06 > 0:27:07all the time in all that fresh doodah,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I got this minging cold which lasted for ages,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12so I got a whole week off school. Buzzing.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Sugar sweetens the cake. Eggs bind it together.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18And Tuesday Subbuteo may be all it takes for your child to
0:27:18 > 0:27:20find his experiences here tolerable.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25But as I always say, within each child there is a special light.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27A special... Oh, come on!
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Work! Please!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- FLEUR:- Is that what you do to all your special lights, sir?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Shut up, Murphy!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37As I also say...
0:27:39 > 0:27:42..education is about dedication.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43You give a child a job
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- and he'll finish the tools. - SHE GIGGLES
0:27:45 > 0:27:46- HE SIGHS - Just forget it.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- It's been a long day.- Don't worry, sir.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50No-one's going to watch this anyway.