0:00:02 > 0:00:04Fancy a whistle stop tour of the UK with CBBC mates?
0:00:04 > 0:00:08Stay tuned as Holly and Ed play in a toilet.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Dick and Dom predict the future.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Johnny runs for his train.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16And Ed makes Iain cry "shallot"!
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# All over the place
0:00:22 > 0:00:24# All over the place
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# North, south, east, west On a bizarre quest
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Me and my mates, all over the place!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# It's true what you've heard, everything is absurd
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# Whatever we do is strange but true!
0:00:35 > 0:00:36# All over the place
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# All over the place
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# Bet you didn't know this stuff was in the UK
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- # But it turns up... - # ..all over the place! #
0:00:47 > 0:00:49It must be round here somewhere.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51It's not in there.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55All I know is it's pretty tiny. Could they keep it in there?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Don't be ridiculous, they wouldn't put one in a toilet!
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Oh, here it is.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The Theatre Of Small Convenience.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04You're right, it is miniscule.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22And nothing looks bog standard here.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- You must be Dennis. - I am, nice to meet you.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28How are you doing?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Who created all this?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Most of the woodwork is done by me from old furniture.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Table legs, an old window blind I bought in a sale.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41Did they build a tiny theatre because they got the scale wrong on the plan?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Or was this building something else? - It was a gentlemen's toilet.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- It was a gentlemen's toilet?- Yes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I've never been in a gentlemen's toilet.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Is this what they all look like? - They're not all like this.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57So, Dennis, how many people did you say you could fit in here?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- We're licensed for 12.- 12?!- Yes.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02We could get more than that, couldn't we?
0:02:02 > 0:02:07- We could get 400 in here.- Yes. - Let's have a go.- Back in a sec.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Let's go.- Come on, fill it up.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Under there, go on.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19In you come, stay there.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Any room for this one?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26We have got loads of people in here.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- I don't know what Dennis was talking about.- Are you having fun?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31ALL: We can't see!
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I guess Dennis was right, you can only fit 12 people in here.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- We'll stay and let's have ten people with us.- The rest of you get out!
0:02:41 > 0:02:451, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47This is perfect, let's watch the show.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Ladies and gentlemen, take your toilet seats,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54the performance is about to begin.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore fart thou, Romeo?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Juliet, my dear, I am trumping right here.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11HE COUGHS
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Your sweet perfume still lingers in the air.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17SHE COUGHS That is your unmistakeable fragrance.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I forget how small these toilets are sometimes.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Juliet, I must leave this lovelorn lavvy.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I have been banished for a fight with your cousin
0:03:31 > 0:03:34And let's face it, it stinks in here.
0:03:34 > 0:03:40Well, reach down and hold my trembling hand.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45There's nothing I'd like more... if only you had washed them first.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I could just wipe them on my dress, is that OK?
0:03:50 > 0:03:56Well, then, climb aboard my lavatory and give me one last lingering kiss.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I don't mean to be awkward, but I'd have to put my foot into the bowl,
0:04:01 > 0:04:06- and even I'm not going that far. - I suppose it is quite disgusting.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12What am I to do? My love has been banished from our loo.
0:04:12 > 0:04:20I know! I'll drink a potion that will give me the appearance of being dead.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Either that or it will kill me.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I mean, it is toilet cleaner, it's very poisonous.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29HE WEEPS LOUDLY Oh Juliet, my love.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I cannot live without her.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I shall join her!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I shall join...her.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Argh-h-h-h!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44APPLAUSE
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Bravo, bravo.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Oh, bravo.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Man, it's got to be around here somewhere.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04The man said the end of the pier is the best place to fish in Southend.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- He said you can't miss it. - We've been looking for ages.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09All I can see is this big, long bridge.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Hang on, that's not a bridge.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31It's a long way to walk to the end of the pier and back.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Ed and Johnny, you have 45 seconds to find out
0:05:40 > 0:05:43as many facts as you can about Southend Pier
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Ed, you have pier expert, Peggy.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Johnny, you have Southender, Trevor.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Whoever finds out the most facts is the winner.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56The loser has to walk back the whole length of the pier.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Three, two, one, go!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Hello, Peggy, I'm Ed and I have loads of questions about the pier.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Ready?- Yes.- How long is it? - A mile and a third.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Has the pier had any other names? - It's always been Southend Pier.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- What's it made out of? - Iron, steel...
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- When was it built?- Is was built... This pier, this one here was built
0:06:19 > 0:06:20in...1889.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Have there been any accidents on it? - Yes, many.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- What sort of accidents? - Boats going through.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Boats went through it, OK. - Fire.- A fire?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- How many times has it been on fire? - I don't know how many times.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Quite a few times, about four times.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- When was the first fire?- 1890.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- When was the second fire?- Ooh, 1959.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- When was the third fire?- 1976.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42When was the last time it was on fire?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44You've got me there, Peggy knows.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46There was another one in 2005.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48OOH!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Put it there, Trev.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Remember, the loser has to walk back.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57So, the winner is...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- ..Ed.- Yeah!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04That is a fix. No way.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Pitts versus Petrie, man against machine on Southend Pier.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Over two kilometres, here we go!
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Oh, he's got a head start.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Maybe I was a bit overconfident about this.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, there he is, there he is.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Whoo-hoo!
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Keep going, Johnny!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh dear, I can see his pants.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29No-one on Southend wants to see that.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Look, at his face, he's really straining.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34He's actually keeping up with us!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Oh, he was doing so well. Oh.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Come on! Come on!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I don't believe it! He's caught up with us. Oh no!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51This stupid thing. How old's this train?!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Oh, I don't believe it.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Did you see his face?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Oh! Hey!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Ah, I've won and I'm not even out of breath.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I'd never been to Southend before, it's great.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18The only thing missing is a good old-fashioned Punch And Judy show.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- Give it back here, that's my sausage.- No!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- No, they're mine. - They're my sausages.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Hang on, hang on, hang on, hold on one minute.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Let's get this into perspective.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31We're a married couple, right?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33We share the same house.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35We share the same sausage bill,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37yet we are fighting over a bunch of sausages.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- What's that about?- Yes, oh, I suppose you're right.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- Plus we've got more important things to worry about.- Like what?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46We share the house with a crocodile.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh no, don't bring me into this.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Hello, hello, hello.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54And then, you see, there's police harassment.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56This isn't harassment.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Neither of us let you in and you are in our house, what's that about?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- Ahem. I heard a disturbance. - No, you didn't.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Yes, I did. Something about a crocodile.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11So you're telling me they sent a policeman to deal with
0:09:11 > 0:09:13a wild amphibious animal?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Well, the animal squad were busy.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Let's see how you deal with this.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Go on, go on. - That's the way to do it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22That's my line.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23I said it first so it's my line.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Get in.- That's the way to do it.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Punch always says "That's the way to do it", leave it to me.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- That's the way to do it. - No, that's the way to do it.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- That's the way to do it.- No, get off.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Why have we come to Chillingham Castle in Northumberland?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Because I want to play a little game.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- Ed, guess what vegetable I'm thinking of?- What?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Guess what vegetable I'm thinking of.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- I don't know. Cabbage? - No, it was a parsnip.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02OK, cos you lost you're the servant and I'm the master for the day.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- Come on, let's go.- Hang on, I didn't agree to play this game.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Come on, servant.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Here we are!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Welcome to my castle!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Right, Ed, as my servant I demand that you wear this hat.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And that you hop for me. Hop, servant, hop.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Come on, servant, hop, hop.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Welcome to the great hall!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Can I stop hopping, please? - Yes, stop.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38And now start again.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And you can stop.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42So, look, it's incredible.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44You've got loads of spears, there's an elephant,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48there's even a fireplace which makes it a very romantic setting.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I'm very peckish, have you got anything for me to eat?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- There's some fruit there.- I don't want it. Make me a spit roast.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02And you can moonwalk out as well!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- Is this historically accurate, the moonwalk?- Get out!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08SHE SIGHS
0:11:08 > 0:11:10STRANGE SCREECHING
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What was that?
0:11:14 > 0:11:19Ed, Ed. I think there might be somebody else in this castle as well.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I'm going to look in the other rooms. Go on, make it!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Right, that's it, I'm fed up of answering to your every whim.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48But that's the whole point of the game of master servant.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50SCREECHING
0:11:50 > 0:11:51(Did you hear that?)
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Yeah.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It came from in here.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58DOOR CREAKS
0:12:02 > 0:12:03What is this place?
0:12:06 > 0:12:07What is this place?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08I just said that.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16What is this, some sort of massage bed?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17No, this is the rack.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- What does that mean? - They put you on here,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23tie ropes to your hands and legs and then stretch you out.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Great, I'm quite short, this is a good way of getting taller.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28You're better off just eating your vegetables.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30This is more like it,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33if you have a castle, you might as well get a Jacuzzi.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Nice hot bath.- Yeah, I think they filled it with boiling oil.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38- Boiling oil.- Yeah.- Oh.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You see what this seat needs is a big cushion.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Because then you'd be all right.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47You're missing the entire point of a torture chamber.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Hello and welcome to How To Look Good Tortured.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58First up, we have this little number.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03We'll slip you in there, it has a hinged front,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07so whilst you're being interrogated we close the door gently,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09there are spikes inside there.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13If you don't tell us what we need to know, they pierce your skin.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Everyone's going to be wearing them in 2012.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Are you with me, girl? Whoo!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I think this could be more up your street
0:13:19 > 0:13:21it's very neo-Gothic.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24One for the girls.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Girls who like to gossip that is, and we all like a gossip, don't we?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29If you've been talking too much,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32you get your tongue pulled out there and connected to this.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34It really makes a statement.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37And that statement is - mm-nn-mm-nn, urgh.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41This will compliment your eyes, especially when they start watering.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It's a classic design, slip your thumbs under there, lower it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51It's a vice and it will crush your thumbs and maybe your toes!
0:13:51 > 0:13:56So, Holly, how do you think you'd like to look good tortured?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Um, I think I'll choose the...
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- Scold's Bridle.- Oh, a very good choice. Go, girlfriend! Woo!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Now, er, I think we better all close our eyes.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11SCREAMING
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- What musical are we going to watch? - I don't want to watch a musical.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Come on, we're in Oxford. - Oxford's hardly Broadway.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It's home to the oldest concert hall in Europe.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32The Holywell Music Room opened in 1742.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Ah, can you smell that? The sound of music.- Ed...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38You can't smell music and music's pointless, anyway.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Why sing something when you can just say it?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Well, cos... # Life is a cabaret... #
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Ed, you've got to stop! Stop, all right!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50The thought of living my life in a musical, it fills me with dread.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54# Mamma mia, here I go again... # What?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57When you woke up, if you lived in a musical
0:14:57 > 0:15:02it would be like... # Can I have my breakfast now?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04# Can I have toast and butter? #
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Then when you got to school it would be worse. It would be like...
0:15:08 > 0:15:12OK, children, what is 100 x 100?
0:15:12 > 0:15:13# Is it 100,000?
0:15:13 > 0:15:14# No! #
0:15:14 > 0:15:18If the police were trying to catch criminals what would they do?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21# You should be arrested-ed-ed
0:15:21 > 0:15:23# You should be taken to jail. #
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Sorry, that's me. I can't live in a musical world.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Do you collect anything musical? How about musical notes?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37# Do, re, mi, far, so, la, ti... #
0:15:38 > 0:15:40THEY LAUGH
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Fancy a cuppa?- Do I!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- OH! Oh, no. Oh, dear.- You broke it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Yes. Grrr.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50It's coincidental it's in front of the UK's biggest
0:15:50 > 0:15:53collection of teapots with it's own teapot hospital?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Yes.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Ah, Sue, am I pleased to see you. We've had an accident.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I say accident, Ed deliberately broke the handle off this teapot
0:16:14 > 0:16:15in order to visit you.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Is there anything you can do? Please, Sue. It means the world to me.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22HOLLY SOBS
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Is there anything you can do for her?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26It's definitely got a fractured handle,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28but nothing that a visit to the hospital won't fix.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Oh, wow! Look at all these teapots. Leaves you breathless.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Get it? Tea leaves? Never mind.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48There really is a category for everything. Christmas,
0:16:48 > 0:16:49famous people...
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Even houses. I didn't think people could fit into teapots,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54but apparently they live in them.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56..animals, transport...
0:16:56 > 0:17:01She even collects memorabilia. Tea caddies, tea towels, everything.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04here she's got elephants and dragons, all the bigger animals.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Weird stuff!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I reckon it's time for a game show.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Yes, it's everyone's favourite game show, it's...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17You've got to guess the prices of these delightful teapots.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Starting with this one.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I'm going to go for £2.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26No, it's between 25 and £74.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Now, do you think the next teapot
0:17:28 > 0:17:30is higher or lower than this guide price?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I'm going to go lower.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36No! You're wrong.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Number three.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- What do you think? Higher or lower?- Higher!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43She's right, you know!
0:17:43 > 0:17:44OK, number four, here.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46What's it going to be? Higher or lower?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Lower.- Lower?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Well done!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Yes!- This is a piece of old rubbish.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56OK, number five.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Higher!- She thinks higher.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Let's see...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- It's higher!- Yay! - Well done, Holly.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Your prize is you get to give Sue a thank you present.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10So, Sue, it's an All Over The Place teapot, which we thought you'd like.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Thank you.- You haven't got one, have you?- No, we haven't.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Thank you very much.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Now, can we get a cup of coffee?- No.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Oh.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Ask for a coffee again and I predict you're going to be in hot water.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Fortunes, fortunes, come and get your fortunes told.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Do you read fortunes?- No, go away.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Sorry.- I'm only joking. Come and sit down.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Right, what do you want? We've got crystal balls,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40card reading, mind reading or internet-based research.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Tea leaves?- Yeah, all right. Cross me palm with silver.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45A bit more.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47More than that!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Oi! It doesn't have to be just coins. You can use notes.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Good, right, here you go.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Urgh! It's cold.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It's your fault for being late. Give it here.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Ooh, yes. Ooh-hoo, yes, yes. What's your name?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04- Ian.- Correct.
0:19:04 > 0:19:10Right, mystical tea that's now gone cold, what does Ian's future hold?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11- Argh!- What?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Just remembered I left the iron on. Right, back to the tea leaves.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you know any men?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- Yeah, I know plenty. - All right, name one.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- Er, Ted.- That's him! Stood with his wife, Theresa.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25His wife's called Anne.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28All right, Anne. Yes, oh, yes. OK, I'll tell him, Anne.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30You've got to be very careful of...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- dangerous animals that could eat you. - Really?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Yes! Be very careful of them. There's tigers, there's bears,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40there's woolly badgers, there's furry mammoths...
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Where we going to find one of them round here?- Oh! There's one.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- There's nothing there.- No.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Back to the tea leaves. Oooh!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Avoid cheese.- Cheese? Why have I got to avoid cheese?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Erm, in case you're lactose intolerant.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Right, give me my money back.- No!
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Ted and Anne said that's a bad idea.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Give me my money.- Ted and Anne said you're very tight fisted
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- and narrow minded.- Whatever.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03GROWLING AND SCREAMING
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Anne? - 'He didn't see that coming, did he?'
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Shut up, Anne!
0:20:16 > 0:20:20# The Isle Of Wight It has eight wonders
0:20:20 > 0:20:26# Yes it does It has eight wonders
0:20:26 > 0:20:28# A lake where there is no water
0:20:28 > 0:20:30# Needles that you cannot thread
0:20:30 > 0:20:32# Cows that you cannot milk
0:20:32 > 0:20:34# A ride where you walk instead
0:20:34 > 0:20:36# Fresh water you cannot drink
0:20:36 > 0:20:39# New Town which is old indeed
0:20:39 > 0:20:41# New Port that you cannot bottle
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# And there are no winkles on Winkle Street
0:20:43 > 0:20:44# The Isle Of Wight
0:20:44 > 0:20:47# It has eight wonders
0:20:47 > 0:20:49# Yes it does
0:20:49 > 0:20:51# It has eight wonders
0:20:51 > 0:20:53HE RAPS You're probably thinking this all sounds absurd
0:20:53 > 0:20:56But the wonders of the Isle Of Wight is just a play on words
0:20:56 > 0:20:58The postcard maker is the man to blame
0:20:58 > 0:21:01He took the literal meanings of the names, let me explain
0:21:01 > 0:21:02- #- Lake!- When you hear the word lake
0:21:02 > 0:21:05# The first thing that you thought of
0:21:05 > 0:21:07# Was not the name of a town on the island
0:21:07 > 0:21:09# But a body of water
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- #- Needles!- You would commonly associate with thread
0:21:13 > 0:21:18# But The Needles is a rock formation off the west of the island instead
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- #- Cowes!- When you think of cows
0:21:20 > 0:21:22# You picture animals that moo
0:21:22 > 0:21:25# But it's also the name of the island's port
0:21:25 > 0:21:27# It's a play on words too
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- #- Ryde!- Is the name of the biggest town
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# By the seaside with a pier
0:21:31 > 0:21:33# It's got nothing to do with going for a ride
0:21:33 > 0:21:35# Am I making myself clear?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37# The Isle Of Wight
0:21:37 > 0:21:39# It has eight wonders
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# Yes it does
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# It has eight wonders
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- HE RAPS - Freshwater!- Drink this and your stomach will go faulty
0:21:46 > 0:21:48It's the name of a beach and the sea water is salty
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- Newtown!- Been there for years, you dunce
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Although, to be fair it must have been new once
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Newport!- Port is a drink often goes with cheese
0:21:55 > 0:21:57But you can't bottle a town Think about it, please
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Winkle Street! - Are there winkles there?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01No, they're stretching that a bit to be fair
0:22:01 > 0:22:03# The Isle Of Wight
0:22:03 > 0:22:05# It has eight wonders
0:22:05 > 0:22:07# Yes it does
0:22:07 > 0:22:09# It has eight wonders
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- # One more time - Lake!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13# Where there is no water
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- #- Needles!- That you cannot thread
0:22:15 > 0:22:16- #- Cowes!- That you cannot milk
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- #- Ryde!- Where you walk instead
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- #- Freshwater!- That you cannot drink
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- #- Newtown!- Is very old indeed
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- #- Newport!- That you cannot bottle
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# And there are no winkles on Winkle Street. #
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Not that you'd expect there to be any, I mean, I live on Monkey Avenue.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Don't expect to see any monkeys.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Except for the one at number 23.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41# It has eight wonders. #
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I'm not crying. My eyes are just watering.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Also known as crying, last time I checked.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57It's cos I'm preparing all these onions.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00For the onion eating contest we're entering.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02We believe you, Iain, really we do,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Now, if you know your onions, I don't need to tell you that...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14The fayre features all things oniony.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Iain! Iain! Look what I've found here!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Security! - Who let the tomatoes in here?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25We've got tomatoes in here!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Ed and Iain are not going to win by juggling onions.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- Wow, are those heavy, Iain? - Yes, they are, Ed.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52They weight a tonne-ion.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53BELL CHIMES
0:23:58 > 0:24:00It's funny, I'm so relaxed about this contest.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04I've never felt more indifferent about anything in my entire life.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It's good, that, cos you won't be upset when I beat you.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Huh?- When I beat you... in the whole onion eating thing.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13You're...not going to beat me though, are you, so...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- I think I am.- You're not though cos, look, you see this strawberry?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Yeah.- Quite big, isn't it?
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Quite.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Not really. I can do that. Anyone can eat a strawberry.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- How quick? Oh, well... Oh. - I just ate two.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Well, er, raspberry... Nom, nom, nom...
0:24:31 > 0:24:32I just ate three!
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Oh, I love it!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Have it. Look!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Well, I can eat a runner bean faster.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Do it all the time in my family.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47All gone, you see! All gone. Beaten you. Bring on the onions.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52- You know what? You see this peach? - Yeah.- Peach tree.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- All right, you see this pineapple? - I'm on fire!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57THEY GROAN AND GROWL
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Took that a bit far. Ow. Ow.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Right I better...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- You think you can beat me in the competition?- I know I can beat you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Well, let's take this to the stage.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07No fruit was harmed during the making of this film.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14We paid for the fruit, we promise.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Oh, he's taken the smallest one.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20The strongest one, he's got.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Oh, they're not really going to do this?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I think they are.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27..two, one, go!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Urgh. Look at his face! Look at his face already.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37'Judges, are you watching?'
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- LAUGHING - Look at Ed!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Oh, disgusting.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Winner, at the end.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51That's the winner.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I'm still going to take you down, Shirley.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55No, you can't do it.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59He's absolutely determined to finish his onion.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01I can do this!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Stop eating the onion! - I'm going to beat you.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05ED SCREAMS
0:26:05 > 0:26:06CROWD: Eat it, Ed.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Yeah, go on. Oh, look at him. His eyes are watering, he's... Oh!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Look at his eyes!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Yeah, I'm going to do it!
0:26:14 > 0:26:15I'm going to do it!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18CHEERING
0:26:18 > 0:26:19They're cheering me, Iain.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23They're cheered now, they won't be when your sick over them.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Give that chin a bit of a wipe.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Eat it, eat it. Go on, Ed.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Yay!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Anyone else feeling a bit sick?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Look at his face! You're actually crying.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43This is the worse thing I've ever done.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46It's the best thing I've ever done. The glory, the glory!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48The crowd cheering my name.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50The dribble all down my chin.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Well done, lads.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I've never been nearly sick in such a small space of time.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- I think I was nearly sick about eight times.- I need water. I need to leave.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Thank you for having me.- Yes!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Well, Adam, you were the compere.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06How long did it actually take me to eat that onion?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Well, the winning gent did it in 59 seconds,...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Wow, fast.- How?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13but it took you three minutes and 16 seconds.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15And, er, go on, Adam,
0:27:15 > 0:27:16how long did it take me?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I'm afraid you didn't finish.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Oh.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22So, Ed, congratulations. You are the winner
0:27:22 > 0:27:24and there's your award.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Ah, victory!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27The sweet smell of success?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29That's a shallot of nonsense.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:45 > 0:27:48E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk