0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Every day when you're walkin' down the street
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Everybody that you meet
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Has an original point of view
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- # And I say, hey!- Hey!
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# What a wonderful kind of day If we can learn to work and play
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# And get along with each other
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# You gotta listen to your heart Listen to the beat
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# Listen to the rhythm The rhythm of the street
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Open up your eyes! Open up your ears!
0:00:28 > 0:00:32# Get together and make things better by working together
0:00:32 > 0:00:37# It's a simple message And it comes from the heart
0:00:37 > 0:00:41# Oh, believe in yourself For that's the place to start
0:00:41 > 0:00:46- # And I say, hey!- Hey! - What a wonderful kind of day
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# If we can learn to work and play And get along with each other
0:00:51 > 0:00:56# What a wonderful kind of day, hey! What a wonderful kind of day, HEY! #
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Hey, DW!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01- Hey!- Whoa!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03CRASH!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Just because someone says something is real,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11doesn't mean it necessarily is.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Just watch.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14DOOR BELL CHIMES
0:01:17 > 0:01:19May I help you?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22No, Jeeves, but I can help you.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, AKA J-Cube,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29big time genius TV producer. Pow!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Yeah, and this is Phil.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32PHIL GRUNTS
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I want to put the Crosswires on TV.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37What's going on, Bailey?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I believe we're being "Punk'd", sir.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41MUFFY GASPS
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Jimmy Johnny Johnson,
0:01:42 > 0:01:43you got my letter!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Daddy, I read that J-Cube was looking for new reality stars,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51and I said our family would be perfect.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Rich, intelligent, glamorous. Hh!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55What's not to love?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- So, what do you say, Ned?- It's Ed.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Will you let Phil and I be part of the Crosswires for four weeks,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05and turn you into the biggest hits since
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Ice Road Trucking With The Stars?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Well...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12SHE GASPS
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- You bet! - Hooray!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- Huzzah(!)- Cut!
0:02:17 > 0:02:18OK, that was great.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Let's just have a little bit more excitement this time, OK?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24And, Ted, not too long on the pause. It's feeling a little staged.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- It's Ed! - OK, everybody, one more time.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Caught In The Crosswires, episode one. Let's keep it real, folks.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34See what I mean?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36DOOR BELL CHIMES
0:02:44 > 0:02:47It's the first day of shooting our new reality show
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and things couldn't be going better.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I only wish my brother Chip could be here, but he's away at school.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Maybe if we get a second season...
0:02:56 > 0:02:57'Muffy?'
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Hi, Francine. I'll be out in a second.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Who are you talking to?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And why are you hiding in there?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05I wasn't hiding.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I'm just talking to my fans in the "private moments" area.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Ah, I think it's called a closet.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16We have to do three video diary entries every day.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19That's when the camera isn't following us everywhere.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Ah, I never knew it would be this hard.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25You've only been filming for a day.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26SHE SIGHS
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Feels like years. Still, I guess it's for a good cause.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34What cause is that? Making people famous for doing nothing?
0:03:34 > 0:03:35No!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Providing quality entertainment for people whose
0:03:38 > 0:03:40lives are not as interesting as mine.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41SHE LAUGHS
0:03:41 > 0:03:46OK. Well, I don't suppose a "big star" like you would
0:03:46 > 0:03:47want to come to the movies with me?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50My mom said she's take us to Galaxy Kittens in 3D.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51SHE GASPS
0:03:51 > 0:03:56I've been dying to see that, but I have to go to dinner now. Sorry.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59What? But it's only three o'clock!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01We want to use the daylight.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05By the way, you are great as the snarky friend. Genius! Pow!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Thank you, Bailey. Looks wonderful.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Goodness me! What's that on my napkin?
0:04:17 > 0:04:25Is that the new, four-door, luxury Credenza on sale at Crosswire Motors?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29It is! Wow! That is an amazing deal!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Psst! See what the kid is doing.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Thanks, Bailey.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Ooh, hot!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Did he just serve you scalding hot soup?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- What kind of an animal would do that?- Um...it's not that hot.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- But what if it was?- It isn't.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- Or...is it?- No, it isn't.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I believe that Mr Cube is trying to insinuate that the scene
0:04:58 > 0:05:03would be more engaging if you reacted more dramatically, Miss Muffy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07What Jeeves just said. Pow! Genius!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Oh! Well...OK.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Is the soup to your liking, Miss Muffy?
0:05:15 > 0:05:20Ow! Oh, no! That's way too hot.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24I am most grievously sorry. May I blow on it, Miss Muffy?
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Don't bother.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Take it away. My dinner is ruined.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33I think we just found our star.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43SHE YAWNS
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Bailey!- Yes, Miss Muffy?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Why haven't my covers been turned down?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53And that pillow has not been fluffed! This is unacceptable.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- It shan't happen again, Miss Muffy. - It better not.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00How was that?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Can't you go any faster? I'd like to get there before I turn 80!
0:06:11 > 0:06:15I asked for a frittata. This is just an omelette.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19PLATE CRASHES
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Wire hangers?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Wire hangers!
0:06:32 > 0:06:36And if you are one minute late today, that's it, you're going
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- back to butler school, Mister. - Yes, Miss Muffy.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- Why were you being so rude to Bailey?- Oh, it's just an act.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48J-Cube thought it would be great for the show if Bailey
0:06:48 > 0:06:49and I fought a lot.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53It didn't seem like fighting to me. You were just being mean.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Yeah, but Muffy has to be mean. She's the villain.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58What? No, I'm not.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Sure you are. But that's the best role.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Every reality show has someone you love to hate.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08In Top Supermarket Clerk, it was Geoff.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13That sneaky, little weasel. I still get angry thinking about him.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16See, the villains are the most memorable characters.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19But I've also been really nice to Bailey.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23This morning, I gave him the cherry from my fruit cup.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I think it's going to take more than a cherry to make up
0:07:25 > 0:07:27for your performance back there.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34How does it feel to be abused by a spoiled, eight-year-old tyrant?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I wouldn't know, Mr Cube.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I've only ever been employed by the most kind
0:07:38 > 0:07:40and generous of households.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Yeah, that really wasn't the answer I was looking for.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48Wait. Genius idea coming. Pow!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- How's your eyesight, Jeeves? - Excellent.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Oh, yeah? Can you read this?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I am so very, very miserable.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Great, now, hold this onion.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06HE SNIFFS
0:08:10 > 0:08:12It was the strangest dream.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I was in a pre-owned, luxury sedan that hardly cost me a cent.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Honey, that was no dream.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20There are tons of affordable,
0:08:20 > 0:08:24top-of-the-line cars at Crosswire Motors every day.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Bailey! Bailey? It's me. I need to talk to you.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Don't worry, I dodged them.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Do you think I'm coming across as mean and spoiled in this show?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It is a distinct possibility, Miss Muffy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54But...I'm not really like that.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Am I?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57No, Miss Muffy.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02And, may I be so bold as to ask, am I a spineless jellyfish?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Of course not, Bailey.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07You're the bravest, noblest, strongest person I know -
0:09:07 > 0:09:09except for Daddy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Quite.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13This is terrible. What are we going to do?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Perhaps, henceforth, we should ignore Mr Cube's suggestions,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19and simply treat each other normally.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Oh!- Oh, dear! I'm terribly sorry, Miss Muffy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It's all right, Bailey. I'll just change my shirt after breakfast.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47What?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Did that bumbling oaf just spill juice all over your priceless
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- new dress?- It's not new, and it was on sale when I bought it.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59Crosswires never pay retail. Anyway, it was just an accident.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01An accident?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03You've been a butler for 50 years
0:10:03 > 0:10:06and now this snob is calling you clumsy.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11I'm 37, Mr Cube, and Miss Muffy called me no such thing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Argh!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14OK, people, look, I just need this scene
0:10:14 > 0:10:17to be a little more exciting, OK?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19So, you know, act that way.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- No!- Excuse me?
0:10:21 > 0:10:26If my family isn't exciting enough for you, go film someone else.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30But from now on, I'm just going to be myself.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Ha!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Listen, kid, I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, creator of
0:10:33 > 0:10:37"There's A Bear In My House" and no-one wants to see a show
0:10:37 > 0:10:39about the real you.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41You know why? It's boring!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44You can't talk to my daughter that way.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I want you both to leave this instant.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52That was not an accident.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I asked for fresh strawberries. What's this?
0:11:00 > 0:11:05No! No! No!
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Bailey!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Bailey!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- IN MONSTER VOICE:- Bailey!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I am so very, very miserable.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15HE SNIFFS
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I can't hold this any longer.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Stay tuned for more of the half-hour special -
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Caught In The Crosswires: A Family On The Brink.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26It's all like that.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28G-Cube only had enough footage for a half hour,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32but they're going to air it over and over again for three weeks.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Well, I certainly don't have to see any more.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Me neither, and I'm telling everyone I know not to watch.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39I won't watch it either.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Thanks, guys. It wasn't a total loss, though.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I got a great idea for a show out of it.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It's called Bad Reality TV Producer.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- That is genius.- Pow!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd