0:00:02 > 0:00:04This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06A school like any other.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,
0:00:10 > 0:00:13most respected members of the teaching profession.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Our cameras filmed for a year to find out what life is really like
0:00:17 > 0:00:21for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Welcome to Class Dismissed.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Today, Dockbridge High is being inspected by Ofsted,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37so the staff are in early to ensure they make a good impression.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Ofsted are inspecting this school?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Preparations are still underway
0:00:46 > 0:00:49when the Ofsted inspector is seen parking her car.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55But the teachers take the news of her imminent arrival with
0:00:55 > 0:00:57calm professionalism.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59THEY SCREAM
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Ofsted are coming! Ofsted are coming!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08The first port of call for visitors to Dockbridge High
0:01:08 > 0:01:11is the school office, where the first face they see is Miss Clover's
0:01:11 > 0:01:14and the first word they hear is good.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Good morning!- Good morning.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Just to make you aware,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19you have actually entered through the exit lane.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- Good morning!- Good morning. Mrs Collins, Ofsted.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Here to see Mr Barker for the inspection.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Certainly. One moment.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Morning, Mr Barker.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I've got a lady here to see you.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Mrs Collins, Ofsted.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- 'MR BARKER WHINES' - Certainly. I'll let her know.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Unfortunately, Mr Barker has been detained at the vets.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, dear. I hope his pet's OK. I'm an animal lover myself.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Pet?
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Mr Barker doesn't have a pet.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06But I thought you said...
0:02:06 > 0:02:09He sends his apologies and asks if you'd mind showing yourself around?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Of course.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Here's a map for yourself.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Science block is here,
0:02:15 > 0:02:16languages here,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18canteen here,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20so possibly sick here.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23And just here is reception, where I'm saying this to you now.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Thank you.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Now, if you'd like to take a seat, you can fill in our feedback form.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39As Mrs Collins begins her inspection,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43deputy head Mrs Macintyre is conducting an assessment of her own.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46As the school's being assessed today,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I thought I'd make a start by assessing you.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- It's not going well.- Why?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- Let me have a look. I... - No! It's confidential.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57OW!
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Right.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I'm telling Ofsted on you.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Thank you, Martin.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Oi. Potter.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14A WET EXPLOSION
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Aa-a-ah!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Mrs Collins is keen to go to the gym,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27but she has to get this school inspection out of the way first.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Erm, excuse me.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Where's your PE kit?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Me? I'm the Ofsted inspector.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Don't give me excuses.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Do you think Usain Bolt got where he is today by coming to gym class
0:03:40 > 0:03:42in a trouser suit?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Drop and give me 20.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46But... But I'm the Ofsted inspector.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Ofsted?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Get up.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50- You should have said. - I did try to.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Welcome to PE.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54The lesson of champions.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Now, what is it that you want to see?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- You teach.- Oh.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I don't teach.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I coach.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Walk with me.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Today, it's gymnastics.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11A sport I won five gold medals in.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh, at the Olympics?!
0:04:13 > 0:04:17At the Dockbridge High Gymnastics Gala, 1997.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Oh.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I will now employ my ground-breaking coaching technique.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It's called learning through watching
0:04:25 > 0:04:27those greater than yourself,
0:04:27 > 0:04:28ie me.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Watch and learn.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Whoa! And the crowd go WI-ILD!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49It's Bolton for gold!
0:04:49 > 0:04:51What a performance.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Yes!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Now, you try.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Me?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You've watched, you've learnt.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Trust the process.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05Ready. Steady. GO!
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Well, I never.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Rubbish.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:05:31 > 0:05:35One teacher who seems unconcerned by the Ofsted inspection
0:05:35 > 0:05:36is Mr Konnundrum.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38He's got bigger fish to fry.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41So.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44If a man wants to cook a piece of fish for his lunch
0:05:44 > 0:05:48and decides to use one of the ovens in the food technology room,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50or his kitchen,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54but probably the food technology room...
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Cooking time is 10 minutes per 500g
0:05:59 > 0:06:05and the fish weighs 250g.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08How long will it take to cook his,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10or hers, but... hm, probably his, lunch?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Yes, Tahj.- Five minutes, sir.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Five minutes.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Is that all?! Argh!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- FIRE ALARM RINGS - Quiet reading! Argh!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Gangway. Gangway.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Need to rescue my lunch.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34The school is evacuated.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40MR KONNUNDRUM COUGHS
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Oh. I was looking forward to that mackerel.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46We love it when it's a fire alarm.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48We get to stop lessons and stand outside.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51The only problem is, the whole place now smells of fish.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56With disaster averted, it's now lunchtime.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00And Mrs Collins has finally found her way to the canteen.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Oh, you're a bit late, aren't you, my love?- Oh, is there nothing left?
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Tell you what.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I've got a couple of pies, 50p a pop.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Don't ask me where I got them, but it's all the same going down, girl.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Am I right?
0:07:13 > 0:07:18Hang on, you're a bit big for a Year 8, aren't you?
0:07:18 > 0:07:19I'm not a Year 8.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20I'm an inspector.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Oh, my Gordon Ramsay. Well.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Can't come in the kitchen, the, erm...
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Door's jammed.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Silv.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Flush them dodgy pies down the lav'.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31OK, Ange.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I'm not a food inspector, I'm the Ofsted inspector.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Oh, thank goodness.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38False alarm, Silv.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39What about the pies?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- Well, just dry 'em off.- OK!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Now...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44about that pie.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Meanwhile, in food technology,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Miss Davis has been inundated with flowers.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Well, I must say it's rather lovely to receive
0:07:57 > 0:08:01so many beautiful flowers from Mr Barker.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Although, I'm not sure why he sent so many.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06MISS DAVIS FARTS
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Probably cos of the smell, miss.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Smell?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Of Mr Konnundrum's burnt fish, miss.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Oh, yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I'm amazed he got in here without me getting wind of it.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18MISS DAVIS FARTS
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Today, we're going to make a savoury cheesecake.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23It's a real zinger.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- SHE FARTS AGAIN - Let's start with the base.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I'm going to rip open a cheeky cracker.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30SHE FARTS
0:08:30 > 0:08:32And crumble it into bits.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34SHE FARTS THREE TIMES
0:08:34 > 0:08:35SHE FARTS AGAIN DEEPLY
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Now, I'm going to cut some cheese.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38SHE FARTS
0:08:38 > 0:08:40THE CLASS COUGH
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Mmm. What a pungent aroma.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Oh, look busy, everyone. The Ofsted inspector will be here in two toots.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50SHE FARTS TWICE
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Ah! Inspector!
0:08:52 > 0:08:57SHE FARTS LENGTHILY
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Having recovered from the whiff of Miss Davis' cheesecake,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Mrs Collins visits Mr Christopher's music class.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13So, as you can see, there's some fabulous talent in this class.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And the kids are quite good, too.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Joking!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Not joking.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22So, let's cut to the chase. Would you like to see my high-kicks?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I'd just like to see a normal class. Pay no attention to me.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26OK.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Yeah, right. Never ignore the judges.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34OK, class. Normal lesson.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Billy, you can play Simon Cowell.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41And eyes on me, eyes on me, eyes on me.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43And...begin.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Hi! Hello, everyone! Hiya!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Hello. Welcome to the X Factor.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Can I just say? It's such an honour to perform for you today.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Oh, well, thank you.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57So, what will you be doing for us today?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Erm, today I will be...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Oh, sorry.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I'm just... I'm really nervous.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06It's just my gran's watching from backstage.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I'm doing this for her.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Singing is my life. Sorry!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16OK, Mr Christopher.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17I think we've heard enough.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19It's a "yes" from me.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Inspector lady?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Oh, usually I just judge people and go away without saying anything.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26MR CHRISTOPHER SOBS VIOLENTLY
0:10:26 > 0:10:28OH! Two yeses!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30That means I get to come to the judge's house!
0:10:30 > 0:10:31- Where do you live?- Grimsby.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Oh, my goodness! Do you have a pool?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35No.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Ah, thank you so much!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I promise I won't let you down.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And... Normal lesson.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Tick box.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Impressed.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45So, who's next?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Martin?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52My name's Martin. I've got a gran and I wrote this song myself.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57PLAYS TUNELESSLY
0:10:57 > 0:10:58With still no sign of Mr Barker,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Mrs Collins is determined to visit as many subjects as possible
0:11:02 > 0:11:04before the end of the day.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Starting with science with Mr Nasal.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09MR NASAL SNEEZES
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Followed by art with Miss Flip.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- MISS FLIP:- Very creative!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Going on to textiles with Miss Dior-Durant.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- MISS DIOR-DURANT: - I hated your trouser.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And finishing up with general studies with Mr Schofield.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Hello, good afternoon and welcome to general studies, with me,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37your teacher, Mr Schofield.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42And who is joining us today?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Mrs Collins, Ofsted.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Oh, Ofsted, a lovely part of the world.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49And what are you hoping for today, my love?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I just want to sit in and watch the lesson.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Let's see what that's going to entail as we ask,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"Have you got what it takes
0:11:56 > 0:11:57"to enter The Cuboid"?
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Sitting.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Cross The Cuboid in a straight line before sitting on the chair.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Miss The Cuboid and you lose everything.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Have you got what it takes to beat The Cuboid?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Oh, I don't know. Maybe.
0:12:11 > 0:12:17Sir? Can I take this mask off? It's boiling.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20So, you've seen the challenge. It looks simple, doesn't it?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Yes, but it's always so different once you get in The Cuboid itself.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26It really is. Are you prepared to take the risk?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29If you choose to pass, no-one is going to
0:12:29 > 0:12:32take your clipboard away from you.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34That is yours to take home.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Or you could risk it all inside The Cuboid.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40If you had told me at the start of the day
0:12:40 > 0:12:42that I would have been leaving with my clipboard,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I would have been happy, so I'm going to settle for what I've got
0:12:45 > 0:12:46and not sit in.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I think you've made a very wise decision.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Let's have a warm round of applause for our inspector.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03The inspection is over and the deputy heads are keen to find out
0:13:03 > 0:13:05how well Dockbridge High has done.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Thank you so much for coming, Mrs...Inspector.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Did we pass?- Pass?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Dockbridge High is the most chaotic, dysfunctional, messy,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17silly school I have ever encountered.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Oh, thank you.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22That is not a compliment. And your head teacher didn't even show up.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- It's terrible. - Didn't you like anything?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I quite enjoyed The Cuboid, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to
0:13:27 > 0:13:29close this school with immediate effect.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31And what's this dog doing here?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, this is Mr Barker and this is his PA.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Sorry he's late.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37This dog is head teacher?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Why didn't you say so earlier? I love dogs.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42So great to see one in charge of a school.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44What a forward thinking establishment this must be.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45MR BARKER BARKS
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Absolutely. First class.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Top marks from me.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50HE BARKS AGAIN
0:13:50 > 0:13:51And to you.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Cheerio.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Well done, Mr Barker.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Yes, well done.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59That's just what I was thinking.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00MR BARKER BARKS
0:14:01 > 0:14:03So, we're not getting closed down.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Which is a surprise.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06And a relief.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08We quite like it here.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Even if it does stink of fish.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15MUSIC: Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
0:14:33 > 0:14:35SCHOOL BELL RINGS