0:00:02 > 0:00:04This is Dockridge High - a school just like yours,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06a school like any other.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the
0:00:09 > 0:00:14wisest, most respected members of the teaching profession.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Our cameras returned for another year to find out
0:00:16 > 0:00:19what life is really like for the students and their teachers
0:00:19 > 0:00:21at this most ordinary of schools.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Welcome to Class Dismissed.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29BELL RINGS
0:00:29 > 0:00:32As headteacher, Hillary Head has many responsibilities,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36all of them as boring as this staff meeting.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Next item.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40The results of the anonymous suggestion box.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41- Mr Botty.- Potter.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Yes. Rather surprisingly,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46it was full of anonymous suggestions that Mr Christopher
0:00:46 > 0:00:48should have an assistant.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50What can I say?
0:00:50 > 0:00:51- People's choice.- Very well.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Mr Christopher can hire an assistant.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Yay! Auditions!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Right, excuse me, teachers who don't have an assistant,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01but these posters won't print themselves.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And finally, to impress the board of directors,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11I shall be introducing a new healthy eating menu starting from today.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Oh!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16She's choking!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Mrs Tucker, I expect your full support on this.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23That is all.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Healthy eating? What's the world coming to?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- Waste not want not. - BELL RINGS
0:01:29 > 0:01:32The school day starts with Food Technology,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and Mr Barrowboy is also thinking about his stomach.
0:01:35 > 0:01:40Chefs, today, you are going to make a signature breakfast dish
0:01:40 > 0:01:43that shows just what you're capable of.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45So let's get cooking!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Tahj, what's the vision here?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- It's toast.- Toast?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- With chocolate spread. - Oh, now, you're talking!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Chocolate - yes.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56For breakfast - yes!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I just hope you can finish in the time.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- I think I can.- Confident.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Jasmine, what have we got?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Toast.- Toast?
0:02:04 > 0:02:05With jam and squirty cream.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh, jam and cream!
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- I tell you what, John...- Jasmine.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12..that is right up my street!
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Emily, what are you making?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Toast.- Toast?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18With a chocolate fudge cake on top.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Oh, mate!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Yes, yes, yes!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25That's cheating. He said a breakfast dish.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Oh, it's soft, it's...
0:02:28 > 0:02:31It's fudgy, it's toasty, it really is very good, indeed.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oh, lovely!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38HE MOANS
0:02:38 > 0:02:40BELL RINGS
0:02:41 > 0:02:45INDISTINCT SINGING
0:02:45 > 0:02:48As head of arts, not including actual art,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Mr Christopher's job is extremely demanding.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Oi! This is a private office! I'm working in here!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57So he's wasted no time in meeting all of the candidates...
0:02:57 > 0:02:58STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE
0:02:58 > 0:03:01..for the supporting role of Mr Christopher's assistant.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I got my music degree in 2006 and I've been teaching ever since.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Boring! Is that it?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Knock knock. Who's there?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Lack of stage presence.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Right, so, the judges' scores are in.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15COMMENTATOR: 'Jasmine....'
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Nine.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18'Billy...'
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Nine.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21'Martin...'
0:03:21 > 0:03:22It's a ten from Martin.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh, thank you, that's great.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Hang on, hang on! I haven't done my score yet.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28'Mr Christopher...'
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It was a complete disaster, darling.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Teaching's like the tango, you need presence, you need...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39..timing, and above all, you need...
0:03:39 > 0:03:40A degree?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Jazz hands, actually.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It's a one from me, and that's being generous.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Don't trip on your way out.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Honestly. That fleckle?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52What are they teaching teachers these days?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54She wasn't even wearing sequins!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57As headteacher, Hillary Head only concerns herself
0:03:57 > 0:04:00with the most important matters at Dockridge High...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02which is why she doesn't teach.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Mrs Head! Mrs Head!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It's 9B. There's no-one to teach geography.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08What?! Where's Miss Presto?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09- Disappeared again.- Supply teacher?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Covering drama. - What about you, Pollock?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Why can't you do it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15I'm already covering for Mr Rhomb.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17We can't find him anywhere.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I just can't do it, Pinto.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Please, your headship, there is no-one else.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26OK.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Where's the classroom?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Just through here.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Are you OK, Miss?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Stay back! I mean...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Hello, children.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Can any of you tell me what you've been learning at the moment?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50SHE SCREAMS
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Everything OK, ma'am? - Yes, fine, fine,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55just this little chap made a very sudden movement.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Don't do it again, sir.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00So, this is nice.
0:05:01 > 0:05:07Just trapped with literally hundreds of little...
0:05:07 > 0:05:08children.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You're not so bad.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15Look at them all looking at me with their tiny little eyes
0:05:15 > 0:05:20and their small hands and their smooth skin
0:05:20 > 0:05:21and hands...
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Oh, dear me, they're tiny little hands!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Miss, I... - SHE SCREAMS
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Get it off me! I can't take it any more, they're everywhere!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I'm a headteacher, get me out of here now!
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Oh, is there one up my nose?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I think there's one up my nose. Oh, I'm so itchy!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Having refreshed the judging panel,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Mr Christopher is continuing his search for an assistant.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I'm looking for talent, pizzazz,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53and someone who will do all the work that I don't want to do.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Could the following teachers please step forward?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Mr Nesbitt.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Mr Clark.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Miss Singh.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04And Mrs Smith.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Front row...
0:06:08 > 0:06:09..you're going home.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16You're not going to regret this, Mr Christopher.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Yeah, the thing is, Kevin, I'm not just looking for a teacher, here.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I'm looking for a global superstar.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I thought the advert said...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter what the advert said.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I'm just not sure that you're ready for this stage in the competition.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- Oh.- I like you, Kevin, but I've made my final decision.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34And I'm happy to announce...
0:06:34 > 0:06:36that sadly...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38you won't be packing your bags...
0:06:38 > 0:06:42because you'll be going straight home.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Are you sure this is the fairest way, sir?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Of course it is, Emily.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Letting people down gently and preserving their dignity
0:06:49 > 0:06:52is the exact opposite of what show business is all about.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Educator!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Next!
0:06:55 > 0:06:56BELL RINGS
0:06:56 > 0:07:00In Miss Fun-With-Numbers' classroom, juvenile behaviour is not an option.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It's compulsory.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Hello, everybody!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04- ALL:- Hi, Miss.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It's time for maths!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Maths is when we take numbers and use them to make other numbers!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Today, we're going to meet a very special number indeed.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Are you ready?- ALL:- Yes.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Well, in that case, I'll go and get our very special guest.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28# Oh, I am a pie, oh, I am a pie
0:07:28 > 0:07:31# What sort of pie am I?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32# Am I steak and kidney
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# Bacon and cheese, chicken and mushroom?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36# No, I'm none of these
0:07:36 > 0:07:38# Oh, I am a pie
0:07:38 > 0:07:40# Oh, I am a pie
0:07:40 > 0:07:43# What sort of pie am I? #
0:07:43 > 0:07:46That's right, I'm the number Pi!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48And I'm full of delicious digits.
0:07:48 > 0:07:55# Because I'm 3.1415965358979323846
0:07:55 > 0:07:57# To the first 20 decimal places. #
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Now it's your turn!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02# Because I'm...
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- THEY ALL SPEAK OUT OF SYNC - # 3.1415965358979323846... #
0:08:06 > 0:08:09All that talk about pies is making me hungry.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Unfortunately for Billy,
0:08:11 > 0:08:15the head's new healthy eating plan has had an effect on lunch.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17What's up with the menu? It's all fruit and salads.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- It's rank.- Ridiculous, isn't it?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- I'll tell you what.- Shake me hand.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- What?- Go on, shake me hand.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Oh, great!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30A sausagey secret, a meaty miracle.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Just don't tell the head, she'll have me guts for garters.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Now, what can I do for you?
0:08:35 > 0:08:36I'm all right, thanks, Miss.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- This tastes quite nice. - Oh, do me a favour!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43As I always say - if it's green, you don't know where it's been.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46If it's fried, it can be safely tried.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Want a Scotch egg?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48No, thanks.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- I'll have it!- Keep your voice down.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Do you want to get caught? Nothing to see here.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Play it cool, boys, play it cool.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- Morning, sir.- Mrs Tucker, is that a bacon sandwich under your hat?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02What, this?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05No, this is just...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Oh, all right, it is. It's a bacon sandwich and I love it!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It's a fair cop, guv.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Bang to rights.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I've been serving illegal snacks on the side for minutes now.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Just tell me, what's me fate?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I'm afraid Mrs Head will be the judge of that.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21I'm going down, Sylv.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Wait for me! And hide those 20 bags of chicken nuggets.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- OK, Ange. - TOILET FLUSHES
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Outside in the cold, Bruce Turnip is taking the register.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32- Yes, sir.- Ferret?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33- Yes, sir.- Tractor?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Yes, sir. You do know it's Emily, really, don't you?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Tractor, you're such a dag.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- And Pigdog?- Present.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Good-o. Blimey, but it's hot out here today.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45It really isn't, sir. It's freezing.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Oh, give it a rest, Tractor, what a whingeing pom.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53Now, let's crack on before we all get heat stroke in this blazing sun.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Today, we're going to be building our own dunnies.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58So, get digging.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00You too, Tractor!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Is anyone else boiling hot?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Rather than dig dunnies, Emily, Tahj and Martin
0:10:07 > 0:10:08are helping Mr Christopher.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11There's just one more person to interview.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16# Knees up, Mother Brown, knees up, Mother Brown, knees up,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20# Knees up, never let them freeze up, knees up Mother Brown. #
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Oh, my goodness!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- She's...- Terrible.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28..amazing!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I love her.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- I love her.- She hasn't... - I love her.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34She hasn't said anything yet.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Oh, hello, baby darlings, I'm Miss Glock.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39That good enough for you, Emily?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41You can be so negative!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44She does have quite an impressive CV.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- If it's true.- Of course it's true!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I'm a tiptop musician, isn't it?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Some of the teachers we saw before were much more qualified.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Being a teacher isn't about being qualified, Emily,
0:10:54 > 0:10:55it's about bringing it 24/7.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Sweetheart, I love you, I love everything about you.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01- The job is yours.- Oh!
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Yes!
0:11:06 > 0:11:07What job?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09She was everything I was looking for.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Basically someone not as good as me.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14No-one likes to be shown up.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Now a fully fledged member of staff,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Miss Glock is giving Emily a one-to-one music lesson.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22And stop.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27OK, Emily, it's nice effort, but still a ways to go.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- I'm going to show you how it's done, OK?- OK.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I know. It's like I said to Adele, I'm a good at music.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You've met Adele?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Sure thing! Seen, met, heard of, whatever.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I don't always be teaching in a little tiny room
0:11:50 > 0:11:51like this, isn't it?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Haven't you?- No, no, no, no, no, no.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I'm a successful session musician and collaborator, too.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Who else have you worked with?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh, I've worked with them all, but I will not work with Gary Barlow,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05even if he does call me every day, which, by the way, he does.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07PHONE RINGS
0:12:09 > 0:12:15No! No, Barlow, I've told you before.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16PHONE RINGS
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- I'll speak to him!- Ignore that. Oh...
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- It's someone asking if you'd like to buy double glazing.- What?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Oh, no, it's Barlow, he does that sometimes, he's very tricksy.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Go away, Barlow.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Oh, sorry about him, he is an absolute nightmare.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Now, like I showed you.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Play!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Beautiful. Oh, yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Last lesson of the day is General Studies,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47where Mr Schofield is giving out test results, quite literally.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Welcome back to General Studies,
0:12:50 > 0:12:54the subject where literally any topic could crop up, and...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- ALL:- Often does!
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Billy, take a look at the board.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00There are still some great grades left for you to win.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02How are you feeling?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- I'm feeling lucky, sir. - Sir, this isn't fair.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I worked really hard this term.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Shut up! I didn't.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08That's kind of my point.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10PHONE RINGS
0:13:10 > 0:13:12GASPS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14TENSE MUSIC
0:13:14 > 0:13:15That was the banker.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18He's offering you a C+.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20CLASS OOHS
0:13:20 > 0:13:21How do you feel about that offer?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It's a strong offer, but I've worked really hard to get where I am now.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- No, you haven't.- I came here for an A and that's what I'm going to get.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28No deal.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Let's hope that proves to be a wise decision.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Let's take a look in the box.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40- Oh! - CLASS GROANS
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Hard luck, Billy.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44PHONE RINGS
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, it's the banker! I still might get my A!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49It's...
0:13:49 > 0:13:50your parents.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52They'd like a word about your grades!
0:13:52 > 0:13:53CLASS GROANS
0:13:53 > 0:13:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Hi, Mum.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59As Billy heads home,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03having pointed out to his parents that an F is an improvement,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Hillary Head is in a reflective mood.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Being a head teacher does have its challenges.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14People often say to me, "Hillary, how do how do you do it?"
0:14:14 > 0:14:15And I say...
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Is that a child?! Get it away from me!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21SHE SCREAMS
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Get it off me!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25MUSIC: She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals