0:00:02 > 0:00:04This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06a school like any other.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,
0:00:10 > 0:00:13most respected members of the teaching profession.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Our cameras returned for another year to find out what life
0:00:17 > 0:00:19is really like for the students and their teachers
0:00:19 > 0:00:21at this most ordinary of schools.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Welcome to Class Dismissed.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33It's Friday and before the day has even begun,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36site manager Dave has encountered something unpleasant.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Dave to Kev. Come in, Kev, over.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44'Hello, this is Kevin, over.'
0:00:45 > 0:00:50We have a code nine, Kev, I repeat, a code nine.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Oh, code nine.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53You've lost your underpants again?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57No, not that. That's code ten.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Code nine is...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- 'dog poo.'- Dog poo!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- Dog poo.- Dog poo!
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Dog poo.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09'Dog poo!'
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I have a nose for sniffing out trouble
0:01:11 > 0:01:15and by trouble I mean bad smells.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17A bad smell is never good news in a school.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It could be a blocked drain,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21a crusty pair of trainers,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Kev eating too much chilli con carne again.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25SOMEONE FARTS
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Sorry, Dave.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28But in this case,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31someone has been treading dog poo through my corridors.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34But don't worry, I will find the culprit, and when I do...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36KEVIN FARTS AGAIN
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Kevin, what have I said about chilli in the office?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41You know what it does to your digestion.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Give that here.- But it's just so beefy and delicious.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- KEVIN FARTS - Oh.- Sorry, Dave.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50French teacher Miss Franks is fluent in several languages.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Unfortunately, none of them is French.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Today, we're learning tenses.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59How to say what we did in the past, present and future en Frenchy.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Who wants to go first?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04La semaine derniere, je suis allee au cinema.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06What kind of mumbo jumbo was that meant to be?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- It's French, Miss.- I'll be the judge of that, Tahj.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12It is, Miss. It means, "Last week I went to the cinema."
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, the only bit I understood was cinema.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Let's look at the word "voo-ya-loor".
0:02:18 > 0:02:22According to this book, it means "I want" en Frenchy.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Who wants to try and write it in different tenses?
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Ah, Tahj, honestly, man, ten out of ten for trying.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Go on, then.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Done, Miss.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Looks French to me.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So, say if this was right, which we have no way of knowing,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49how might we finish the sentence?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51That's right.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT:- Avec un sandwich au jambon et fromage.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Tahj, translate.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I want a ham and cheese sandwich.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I wanted a ham and cheese sandwich.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05And I will want a ham and cheese sandwich.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Seriously, Tahj, that's the most sensible thing you've said all term.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- THE CLASS LAUGHS - And I know how you feel.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Speaking French makes me feel hungry, too.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Campaign!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Maybe I should stick with Spanish.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:03:21 > 0:03:25While site manager Dave scours the school for the source of the dog poo
0:03:25 > 0:03:28footprint, Year 9 are in food technology.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Chefs, it's time for the invention test.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Choose your ingredients wisely.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37For today's challenge, I've asked someone for a bit of help,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41so please welcome teaching assistant Miss VO.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Miss VO entered the classroom gracefully,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48like a responsibly-sourced wild Alaskan salmon.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53And so without further ado, get cooking.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Pepper and tomato pasta?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Great idea.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Emily, Tahj, tell us about your menu.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Taj and Emily's dish is Spanish frittata.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Using potatoes, eggs,
0:04:06 > 0:04:10sun-dried tomatoes and home-made masala paste.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Whoa, that sounds lovely. Well done, Emily and Tahj.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I look forward to giving it a taste.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Sir, that's not actually what we're making.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Ignoring some sound advice, the team has a change of heart.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26At the last minute,
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Tahj and Emily decide to make their own version of an Italian bread,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35with a rich chickpea and olive oil puree
0:04:35 > 0:04:37and a black olive tapenade.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Ho-ho! I don't know what's gone on here, but that is ambitious.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45You two are seriously trying to impress.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48But we don't even know what a tapenade is.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Tahj doesn't even know what a tapenade is.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Suddenly, in the closing seconds, the team change tack again.
0:04:57 > 0:05:03Instead, deciding to make a celeriac roulade with caramelised onions...
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Ha-ha-ha!- ..and fresh rosemary from Tahj's garden.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Miss, can you stop?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Followed by a steamed pudding of sponge, jam
0:05:13 > 0:05:16and a luxurious double cream,
0:05:16 > 0:05:20which should teach them not to talk back to their teachers.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, mate, mate, mate, mate, I tell you what,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28sponge - yes, jam - yes,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30double cream - honk honk.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33You two had better stick with that one, or I'll be very,
0:05:33 > 0:05:34very disappointed.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Tahj and Emily have learned a very valuable lesson.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Meanwhile, Dave has had a breakthrough.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Gotcha.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Dave to Kev. I think I have the stinky-footed culprit cornered.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Well done, Dave.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Let me know when you find him.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Kevin!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Dave?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Kevin.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Dave.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I've found him.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, well done, Dave.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Where is he, or she?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11It's you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Oh. Yes.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I thought that smell were following me around.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- Sorry, Dave. - Take them off and clean them up.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23David, a word.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Yes, your Grace, how may I be of service?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31It has come to my attention that someone is sleeping overnight
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- in the gym cupboard.- Intruder.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Quite. I want you to catch the felon and stop it immediately.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- Yes, sir, madam.- And do something about that ghastly smell.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42It's children, I expect.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Come on, Kev, stop messing about. We've got no time for that.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- We've got a code two. - You've lost your underpants?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52No, intruder alert.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Righto.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00With Dave and Kev off on another mission,
0:07:00 > 0:07:049B are helping Mr Conundrum to solve a problem in maths.
0:07:04 > 0:07:10So, if a man gets a postcard from his mother to say that she's coming
0:07:10 > 0:07:15to stay in three weeks' time, but he ignores that postcard,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18then he receives three phone calls a day,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20seven days a week for three weeks.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24But he ignores all of those, too, because he was out.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Yes, that's right.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I'll just say I was out.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32How many postcards and phone calls has the man had?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Yes, Tahj?- 64, sir.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36That many, right.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41Oh, and for an extra mark, when is the man's mother coming to stay?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42- Today, sir.- Today.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- Today?!- Kenneth?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Mother?- I've arrived for my visit.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Come home with me immediately.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52But-but I'm teaching, mother.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Now, Kenneth.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Quiet reading.- Now! - THE CLASS LAUGH
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Oh, that's embarrassing, I'm sorry.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Come on now, you know I like to get home in time to watch
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Think Tank.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:08:11 > 0:08:15It's lunch and science soulmates Mr Nasal and Miss Spray are enjoying
0:08:15 > 0:08:17a breaktime cuppa.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Sugar, Miss Spray?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20No, thank you, Mr Nasal.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I'm sweet enough already.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, you certainly are, Miss Spray.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Oh, no, no, no, no. We mustn't, Miss Spray.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Someone might see.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35We don't want the children finding out we're a couple.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Let them see.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I want the world to know we're in love.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Miss Spray, what's come over you?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Go on, Mr Nasal,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47just a little kiss.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Oh, go on, then, Miss Spray.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I can never say no to you.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Sir, Mr Potter sent me to...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Molly! What are you doing in here at breaktime?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Miss Spray is covered in snot, sir.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Is she?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oh, yeah. So she is.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11That's disgusting, Miss Spray, disgusting.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Look at the state of you.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15You really are something else, you know that?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17You are rank.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25There, I think that's thrown her off the scent.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Now, where were we?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31That was very rude, Mr Nasal.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Very rude indeed.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36If anyone needs me,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I'm spending my break in the science prep room.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Alone!
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Oh.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51What was all that about?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I can't believe they think no-one knows.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57No-one knows.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58- ALL:- Everyone knows.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Everyone knows, man.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04As lunchtime ends, Dave finds proof of the intruder.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07There's definitely been someone sleeping here.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Dave to Kev,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I've found some evidence.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11What have you found?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Apple crumble.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Out in the freezing cold, someone else has found a hiding place.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24Bush craft, the craft of hiding in a bush.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Now, let's get our hands dirty
0:10:26 > 0:10:29before we all get heatstroke from this roasting sun.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Eyes on me, class.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I've hit the jackpot.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37A stick insect, nature's choc ice.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39That's a stick, sir.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Good one, Tractor, but I ain't falling for that one,
0:10:41 > 0:10:42you great galah.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46- Very wooden.- Like a stick.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It does not taste good.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Like a stick.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Oh, and this little blighter's a toughie.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Because you're eating a stick.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57THE STICK CRACKS AND HE MOANS
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I am starting to suspect that this is actually just a stick.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02HE SPITS IT OUT
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I think I've lost a few teeth already.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08But if Kylie and the cricket have taught us one thing,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10it's that an Australian never gives up.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Even when it's roasting hot.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I can now feel the stick starting to affect my insides.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22And it will be only a few minutes before I pass out.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Sir, do you want us to run inside and get some help?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Good idea. And flag down a flying doctor.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Or get a local kangaroo to take me to safety.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:11:33 > 0:11:35As head of arts, not including actual art,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Mr Christopher is extremely busy.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Oi!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Luckily, there is another highly skilled music teacher to help
0:11:45 > 0:11:47with the workload and there's also Miss Glock.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50SHE SINGS NONSENSE
0:11:50 > 0:11:52OK, Tahj, let's get this show on the road.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- What have you got there?- My flute.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- Jazz flute?- I don't think so.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Oh, it's a crying shame, Tahj.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02It's like I said to Biebs, I'm good at music,
0:12:02 > 0:12:03but I'm not a miracle worker.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06OK? Let's see what you've got.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09PHONE RINGS
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Barlow.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15This drives him crazy, but honest to Elton,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18it's the only way of dealing with him.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20What do you mean you heard that?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Was that Gary Barlow, Miss?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Yes. He's an absolute nightmare, I'm telling you.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27HER PHONE RINGS AGAIN
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- SHE SIGHS - I'll get it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Hello. It's someone calling about your PPI.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It's Barlow again, he's so tricksy.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38No, Barlow, no.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Are you sure you know all these celebrities, Miss?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44No, Tahj, they know me, isn't it?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Now, play.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- HER PHONE RINGS AGAIN - Ignore that.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Nice.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55It's the end of the day,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58but Dave and Kev have decided to stay overnight
0:12:58 > 0:12:59to catch the intruder.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05OWL HOOTS
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Dave?- What? - Will you read me a story?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13No, Kevin. We've got to keep our eyes peeled
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- in case the intruder shows his face. - Dave.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17What?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I don't think they're coming, Dave, and I'm sleepy.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Go to sleep, then, I'll keep watch.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Thanks, Dave. Oh!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Could you pass me my eye mask, please?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Where is it?- It's in that pile of stuff.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Oh, can I have my blankie and my teddy, as well, please?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Kevin, is all this stuff yours?
0:13:36 > 0:13:42Yes. I've had Mr Snuggles since I were five years old.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44But if you're the one who's been sleeping here,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46then you're the mystery intruder.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Am I? Oh.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Fancy that.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Kevin...
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- Why?- Well, there's a terrible smell in my flat.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I can't sleep there, it stinks.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Kevin, have you been wearing your dog poo shoes in your flat?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Oh, yes, oh, I see.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Well, I'm glad that's sorted, Dave.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Well, night-night, Dave. Let me know when the intruder comes.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15# We built this city
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# We built this city on rock and roll
0:14:20 > 0:14:22# We built this city
0:14:24 > 0:14:29# We built this city on rock and roll... #