0:00:05 > 0:00:08- Leave Harry Batt alone! - I'm just tickling his conk.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10'Allo, 'Arry!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- Good day to you. I'm Dick. - Which makes me, Dom.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17And this is our diary, which has some of our best bits in it.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19What are you doing? You never used to be this house proud.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Well, I didn't need to be HOUSE proud cos we lived in a bungalow!
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Ah, the memories... Remember when the bungalow heads used to beat you up?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35SHOUTING AND BANGING
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Good, innit?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Actually, that used to happen every week, didn't it, Dom?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Dom?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Let's get started. Here's the opening titles.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55# These are the diaries of Dick and Dom
0:00:55 > 0:00:57# They had a bungalow that you could come along
0:00:57 > 0:00:59# Played the maddest games you've ever seen
0:00:59 > 0:01:02# And the oddballs in between
0:01:02 > 0:01:04# The diaries of Dick and Dom
0:01:04 > 0:01:06# The diaries of Dick and Dom
0:01:06 > 0:01:08# The prize idiot and the neighbour's cat
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# Melvin O'Doom and dear Harry Batt
0:01:11 > 0:01:12# Creamy Muck Muck Dirty Norris
0:01:12 > 0:01:13# And mushy peas
0:01:13 > 0:01:16# And don't forget bogies!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- # The diaries of Dick and Dom - In da bungalow
0:01:19 > 0:01:24- # The diaries of Dick and Dom - In da bungalow
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- # The diaries of Dick and Dom - In da bungalow
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- # The diaries of Dick and Dom - In da bungalow. #
0:01:29 > 0:01:34# You're beautiful You're beautiful
0:01:34 > 0:01:37# You're beautiful It's true... #
0:01:37 > 0:01:41The following stuff and nonsense from Dick and Dom in da bungalow
0:01:41 > 0:01:47was first shown live between 2002 and 2006. Enjoy.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49# You're beautiful It's true
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# There must be an angel... #
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- # The diaries of Dick and Dom - In da bungalow. #
0:01:59 > 0:02:02# It's a high powered game of strategy
0:02:02 > 0:02:06# Just guess what's in the box and you will see
0:02:06 > 0:02:08# The best games from the bungalow
0:02:08 > 0:02:11# But if you run It'll be the end of the show
0:02:11 > 0:02:13# It's Game Or No Game. #
0:02:13 > 0:02:16APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Hello, it's me, little Noelie Muckmans here.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Now I think it's fair to say that I added a certain amount of highbrow
0:02:24 > 0:02:28content to the bungalow with my thought-provoking game of strategy,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Muck Or No Muck.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38It's me, Little Noelie, with the show that only asks one question.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Muck Or No Muck?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42High rewards, high risks,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46which we are about to recreate right here, right now.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Two boxes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53One contains the name of a game which you see on the board over there.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57If you choose that box, we play that game, no questions asked.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58The other box contains no game.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Choose that box and it's game over.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Finito, kaput, sayonara...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07diddly squit!
0:03:07 > 0:03:12# Diddly, diddly diddly, diddly...squit! #
0:03:12 > 0:03:14So there's no pressure.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17So now it's time to ask that all-important question.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Game or no game?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Choose your box.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24So you wanna go for this box?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Definitely this one, not this one?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Definite. Really? Really?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30You really sure?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32He's really sure about this.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Let's take a look.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Fingers crossed for you.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Oh, great gameplay there, perfect strategy!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43It's the Baby Race. Being able to run before you can walk.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It's the Olympian dream in nappies.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50# Baby race We got the cutest little baby race
0:03:50 > 0:03:53# Who'll be the winner Of this happy, sloppy, nappy chase?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56# You'll see them crawl on their tum They've got a rash on their bum
0:03:56 > 0:03:59# It's the bungalow baby race
0:03:59 > 0:04:01# The bungalow baby race! #
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Yes, the babies are here. In they come!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Come on in.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09So here come the runners and riders. Baby Anna with Gino and Jo.
0:04:09 > 0:04:127/2. Recently victorious in the Alabama Hammer Slammer Stakes.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Rides as Revenge Of The Piggy.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- And baby number two.- This is baby Miranda with Angela and Justin.
0:04:19 > 0:04:203/1, eagerly awaited return.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Better known as Piccalilli Alvadandee
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Baby number three.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Baby Buddy with Nancy and Richie.
0:04:30 > 0:04:3410/1. Only second time out for this rider. Likes it soft underfoot.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Better known as Paratus Ping Pong Poodle.- Coochie-coo!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Baby number four.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Baby Liam with Louise and James.
0:04:42 > 0:04:4425/1. Excitable. And what a picture there.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Familiar to viewers as Andrew Lloyd Webber's Trout Farm.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50And the last one!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Number five, baby Molly with Amanda and Tina.
0:04:53 > 0:04:565/1, can be an over-eager runner.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Rides, of course, as Grizzly J Adams.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01And finally...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Baby number six, baby Eden with Tracy and David.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Ridden four, lost four.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09A naughty rider under the name of Dog Town And The Z Boys.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14Starting positions, please, and start your engines.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Rev them up! Rev 'em up!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Come on! Here we go!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Right! Ready, set...
0:05:21 > 0:05:22go!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Under starter's orders, they're off!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Quite a clear lead there, I think, as baby being plonked
0:05:27 > 0:05:30along the course by his mum, given a head start there.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31What will the judges say?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Grizzly J Adams there making a run.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Being lifted up and put down again
0:05:35 > 0:05:37on the course in the hope that will help him.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Nothing's moving quite as fast as we'd like.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Dog Town And The Z Boys just crying.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Crying at the prospect of this misery race.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Come on!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Lloyd Webber's Trout Farm makes a run for it,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51maybe assisted by his trainer, we don't know.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And what a lovely run there for Ping Pong Poodle!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Ping Pong Poodle all the way over the line!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Ping Pong Poodle's over the line!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Ping Pong Poodle takes it!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03We have a winner. Liam, Liam, Liam...
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Spin yourself round.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09You've won that!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Now, baby Liam might have won the race.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16But the action wasn't over yet. Take a look at this.
0:06:16 > 0:06:23- He's walking!- It's a miracle! It's a miracle!- He's walking!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- He's walking!- You saw it here first!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Come on, walk, walk... Walk to me.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Oh, it's a miracle!
0:06:34 > 0:06:35It's a miracle!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39# Roll up, roll up It's time to meet
0:06:39 > 0:06:42# They're strangely talented They're unique
0:06:42 > 0:06:45# Roll up, roll up It's time to meet
0:06:45 > 0:06:47# They're strangely talented They're unique. #
0:06:47 > 0:06:51It's...Chicken Head Man!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55# I can't seem to face up to the facts
0:06:55 > 0:06:58# I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax
0:06:58 > 0:07:00# Don't touch me My head's on fire
0:07:00 > 0:07:02# I get in by chicken wire
0:07:02 > 0:07:06# Cos I'm psycho chicken I have to say... #
0:07:06 > 0:07:08HE IMITATES CHICKEN
0:07:08 > 0:07:13# Better run, run, run, run away. #
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It's 10 out of 10. Oh no, nothing.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22One out of 10! Really, really bad.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Eight out of 10. "Pointless but fantastic."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Nine.- Spiffinuous.- What?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Spiffinuous.- Spiffinuous!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"Very, very weird, with character."
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Please welcome Rubber Richie!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Hey, look at that.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42He's our flexible friend.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Argh!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- No way!- Don't try that one!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Get away! No, no! Get out!
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Is that it? Rubber Richie!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Ten. "Because it's horrible and wicked."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Wicked!- You put five out of 10.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- "Lose the lip." Were you doing that? - What were you doing?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11You just don't want him to have any lips.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Eight out of 10. "Weirdo."
0:08:13 > 0:08:16You're a weirdo. Yes, you are. You're a weirdo.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Magician Ellie, because she's a bit angry
0:08:18 > 0:08:21at not being very good at magic, she's given you two.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23And she said, "Silly and boring."
0:08:23 > 0:08:26It is Dom the Whistler and his wife.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30HE WHISTLES "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin
0:08:34 > 0:08:36His wife looks impressed.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Numbers coming up later.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Rubbish!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- "Brilliant!"- Thank you. - "Fantastic, wicked."- Thank you!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57"Pants, you should do the pants dance."
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- I was gonna stand on me head. - You were gonna stand on your head?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Give us the splits quickly.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Dom the Whistler and his wife.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Remember him if he was your favourite.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12# He's a cat in a flap It's a matter of fact
0:09:12 > 0:09:15# That he likes a good chat All about this and that
0:09:15 > 0:09:18# He's a bungalow star And he's your chocolate bar
0:09:18 > 0:09:20# So there's no turning back From the Cat Flap. #
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Gadzooks, away with you now.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You'll be wanting the little fella downstairs.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Hello there, Cat here. Life has treated me well since the bungalow.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I'm now a friend to the stars.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38But I haven't forgotten my roots.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Oh, no. I always remember my travel reports for the bungalow
0:09:42 > 0:09:44with great affection. Ah...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Wetwang is a hive of activity
0:09:46 > 0:09:50and I think I've found the nerve centre of it all.
0:09:50 > 0:09:56It's Wetwang Community Hall, and today is bingo day!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Right-ho, ladies and gentlemen.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Eyes down, looking. Let's bingo-go-go... Two and six...71.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Clickety-click...58.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Two vicars in a lift...67.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12All the eights...nine.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- House!- Oh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Well done.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Please pick up your prize of two pork chops.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20The rest of you, thank you,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23ladies and gentlemen, see you same time next week.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30My, my... Who is this mysterious lady who's left behind?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Oh...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35She's... She's...
0:10:38 > 0:10:39..beautiful.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49# Love lift us up where we belong
0:10:50 > 0:10:55# Where the eagles cry
0:10:55 > 0:10:58# On a mountain high... #
0:10:58 > 0:11:00HE BREAKS WIND
0:11:00 > 0:11:03# Love lifts us up where we belong
0:11:03 > 0:11:12# Where the eagles cry On a mountain high
0:11:12 > 0:11:17# Love lift us up Where we belong... #
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Come on, love, let's go home.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Oh...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33# Love lifts us up where we belong... #
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Oh, bingo lady, you heart breaker!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41but what about my other friends from the bungalow?
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Remember, Mr Choosy?
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Whenever there was a raging debate or a simple question that needed
0:11:47 > 0:11:50an answer then Mr Choosy would resolve the situation
0:11:50 > 0:11:54in a calm and soothing manner by popping his balloon head.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Hello, Mr Choosy. Here he is.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Here comes Mr Choosy. Choosy, Choosy, Choosy, choose...
0:12:06 > 0:12:10So, without any more dithering or indecisiveness,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13let's welcome Mr Choosy!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17So, Mr Choosy, if you had to decide,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20what would be your favourite bungalow moment?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23CHEERY MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Thank you. More from Mr Choosy
0:12:33 > 0:12:36and my other friends from the bungalow coming your way soon.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38SLAPPING AND SHRIEKING
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Heavens to Betsy. Will someone get that cat out of here?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Oh, keep your hair on, Terry.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46SIREN WAILS Nobody move!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49# Bursting on the scene with a "Nobody move!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:53# He's a Geordie cop With a case to prove
0:12:53 > 0:12:56# So gangsters, burglars And cheeky juveniles
0:12:56 > 0:12:57# He'll get you bang to rights
0:12:57 > 0:13:00# And slap you in the Batt Files
0:13:02 > 0:13:03# Batt Files! #
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Why-aye! The name's Battman.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13That's not Battman, as in the flying superhero rodent,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16that's Detective Inspector Harry Batt,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19as in TV celebrity Geordie copper.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Now then I've been investigating the villains of the bungalow underworld,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27namely the bungalow heads themselves.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31How do innocent little cherubs like this...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33TINKLING OF HARP
0:13:34 > 0:13:37..turn into mindless, gobby monsters like this?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39BANGING AND SHRIEKING
0:13:44 > 0:13:47It makes me want to weep, man, cry meself to sleep.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Right! PC Prize Idiot, bring into today's first crime lord.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Lord Crime, DI Harry Batt... DI Harry Batt,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Lord Crime.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01How are you getting on, on the first day in your new job?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Actually, being a police officer's no different
0:14:03 > 0:14:05to being a prize idiot on the bungalow.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Get out.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10You, come and sit yourself down here.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Right then, name...
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Jack - bungalow aged 10, aged now 16!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19We have grown up a bit, haven't we?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Well, I think we both know why you're here, don't we? Let's have a look.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Let's meet the bungalow heads.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Do more, go and do it more.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Did you see that? Did you see that?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43You're like a reversed rabbit. Come back.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46That is the best... that is the...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- 18 bungalow points. - I just made it up.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- And what do you call that dance? - The Butt dance.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Men of the nation, it's a good way to pull the ladies, isn't it?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- The Butt dance on the dance floor. - Jack, young shaver, me lad,
0:15:02 > 0:15:07has this Butt dance been a hit with the ladies of the nation?
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- Oh, you have no idea, I've been inundated by the ladies.- Really?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Yeah.- All right, got any numbers?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- Yeah, a fair few, more than you. - Oh really?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- Mmm.- Don't you worry about me, love.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I'm combing birds out of my moustache every day of the week.
0:15:23 > 0:15:29Right, it says this irresponsible behaviour led to a bit of a craze?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Come on! Give us a bit of Butt Dance.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Come on! Get your bum out!
0:15:46 > 0:15:52No doubt this went to your head when they unveiled a plaque to you.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03In honour of Bungalow Head Jack, here 8th and 9th March 2003.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07He was the creator of Da Butt Dance!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Come on, come on bungalow heads!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Yeah, it's gonna sweep the nation.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Yeah, Jack, you invented it, mate.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It's the Butt dance.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27We'll get him back here as well... Jack.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29We salute you...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Absolutely shocking!
0:16:32 > 0:16:38How you got anything you can say in your defence about that?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It was a craze that swept the nation so...
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- A craze that swept the nation? - He said so.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Don't believe everything he says.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Mostly he talks rubbish.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Both of them...- Sounds like a certain detective I know.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Why, who's that?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- You...- Me!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I talk rubbish, me?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I never talk rubbish, didn't I? Eh?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Clear as a bell, son.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07Anything for mitigating circumstances as to why I shouldn't send you doon?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Save me the humiliation
0:17:09 > 0:17:14of being sentenced by a man with a middle-aged woman's hairstyle.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Have you taken a look at yourself in the mirror lately?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21It's like you've jammed your fingers in a socket!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23What kind of haircut's that?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Let's wrap this up. It's all getting a bit academic.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32I think you've grown up quite a lot, and wouldn't attempt that silliness
0:17:32 > 0:17:35in the general public any more.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I've decided I'm going to let you go.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Oh, just a minute before you go.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Sit yourself back down, son.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I've just found this, er...
0:17:46 > 0:17:49One of these new-fangled cassette tapes.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I wonder what's on it?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Let's put it in here, shall we?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Nice action.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05I bet you're dying to press play and see what's on it, aren't you?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Hmm?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Just let your fingers do the walking.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Press the button. That's it, son.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15You know you want to.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Let yourself go. Go on. Press it!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Aye, there you go.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Got you bang to rights. You've not reformed at all.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Right PC Prize Idiot.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Not you as well.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Right. Get him out of here and take yourself with him.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Off!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:56 > 0:18:58SIRENS AND CRASH
0:19:01 > 0:19:04# Here's the pick of the show And a long-running blow
0:19:04 > 0:19:07# To the hoity-toity folk Who don't enjoy a joke.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10# If you've got a heart condition Or a nervous disposition
0:19:10 > 0:19:13# Go and buy some earplugs And call a good physician
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- # Cos we're gonna shout...- "Bogies!"
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- # Till we're banned from every building in the world.- Bogies!- #
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Its Premier League bogies where we play it where other people dare not.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27We are about to play it at Bournemouth University
0:19:27 > 0:19:30in a media studies lecture full of sweaty students.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34So we turn to one of this nation's great seats of learning,
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Bournemouth University for Premier League bogies.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Some of the stuff's excellent.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- Nearly half the year...- Bogies.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49Very tentative 1.0.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Bogies.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56McCourt, 1.4.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02..A positive future. Envisage a perfect world.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07This lecture, all about the Utopian society or perfect world.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12The boys sporting the relevant protective headwear.
0:20:12 > 0:20:19- Bogies.- With the tiniest degree of improvement on the previous effort.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Just stays in the game with a 1.5.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27..that and the other stuff that's in the discussion area.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Bogies.- Sorry? - Don't answer.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- 2.7.- ..Bad play. The term comes from John Stuart Mill.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39It's actually his text on Liberty...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46..Jeremy Bentham's Cacotopia, which means the worst.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- We'll be talking about Bentham... - Who will be the worst in this match?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54The cacotopian.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- We're looking at that next term. - Bogies.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01At 2.8.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06This young lady wouldn't want him in her Utopia or anywhere near it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13..Origins lie in one of the earliest texts - in the Bible.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Laura said very interestingly, I didn't think of this actually...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18..the Garden of Eden...
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Surprisingly they did not go to university, but they are here now.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden...
0:21:25 > 0:21:272.8 to beat.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29They lost the right to live in a Utopia...
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Bogies.- Ooh!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Look, if anyone has anything to say, can they say it?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Sorry, sir.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- Thank you.- 3.5.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Food for thought.- ..The Cold War.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48The Cold War was in the '60s...
0:21:48 > 0:21:52'50s, '60s, '70s, right into the '80s, really.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Brought about by 1984.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56He didn't like that. We must respect his memory.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01- Bogies!- Ooh! what a fantastic Bogie, that's 4.8. First-class with honours.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04So, um,
0:22:04 > 0:22:08um, kind of pertinent these days...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11It seems to have unsettled McCourt.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16George Orwell... otherwise known as Eric Blair...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Has he done enough?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24..He came up with that in 1948.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It doesn't appear that McCourt has anything left.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34No, there it is, he has resigned.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Just leave.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Bogies!- There's the winner. Only a 4.8.
0:22:40 > 0:22:46- Another stimulating journey through the Dick and Dom annals.- Annals?
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Yes, annals. What treat do you think we should leave them with, dear?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Well, you know I have no truck.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- Truck?- Truck with celebrity.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Oh, yes, yes, you're often filmed and photographed
0:22:58 > 0:23:04denouncing the media circus that feeds off our brittle creative souls.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06But I did look good.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Oh, yes, always, darling.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Oh, good. So we thought we'd show you the Muck Muck awards ceremony,
0:23:13 > 0:23:19highlighting our disdain and disregard for meaningless trinkets.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Please welcome your host for the evening, Terry Bumbum.
0:23:37 > 0:23:43Thank you, thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
0:23:43 > 0:23:45to the most prestigious awards in television,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48the 2004 Creamy Muck Muck awards.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Being here this morning reminds me of when I was slopping about
0:23:51 > 0:23:53in the long-running West End mess,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Whoops Mrs Chiselbob You're Sitting On My Norris.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00And I was working with these two lads here at the time
0:24:00 > 0:24:04and they gave me this advice, "Always be good to your Muck Muck
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"and your Muck Muck will be good to you."
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Dick let go a rasping trump and Dom turned to me and said,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14"How about that for growing your roses?" Remember, boys?
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Bravo!
0:24:16 > 0:24:21Without any more further ado, let's look at the nominees
0:24:21 > 0:24:27for the first award - Best Use of Dirty Norris.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30And the nominations are...
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Berty Splat in Mum, It Smells.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Elizabeth Blotch in Daniel, Get Down.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42And a popular choice here, Melvin O'Doom in Don't Do It Again.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44CHEERING
0:24:44 > 0:24:50The winner is - Melvin O'Doom for Don't Do It Again.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Well, a big year for Melvin O'Doom.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55And what a way to start.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00His performance already has won him two Droopy awards.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02There he goes, accepting the award.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Wonderful. He'll be very happy with that.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Well done, Melvin.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Speech, speech!- Speech!
0:25:13 > 0:25:18I'd just like to thank my mum, my dad, my sister Shaniqua
0:25:18 > 0:25:22and the Institute of Creamy Muck Muck for all their help.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Lovely, Melvin O'Doom.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30They will be proud of him. With that bucket on his head, he's a winner.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Lovely. So let's get straight along with award two, which is for best
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Bloppily Wobbily Splitty Splatty Mushy Doo-Dah Plop Monster.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41And the nominations are...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44David Sloppiplopsky.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Nora Chutneybox. And David Beckham. It's a tight category.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53I can't put a pin between them. But the winner is...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55He's won everything else - David Beckham.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Beckham, no stranger to award ceremonies of course.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Usually sports awards, like best kicker or nicest hairdo.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05He's very lucky to win this award.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10- There you go, David.- Accepting the award graciously, there he goes.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17There you go. Would you like to say a few words, David?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Yeah, it's fantastic.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20There you go, David.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Happy man.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31And so, we come to the final award this morning
0:26:31 > 0:26:35which is a very, very special award indeed.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40The lifetime achievement award for services to Creamy Muck Muck.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42APPLAUSE Yeah, yeah.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45And the nominees are...
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Dick and Dom. APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Thank you.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Dick and Dom.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Come on!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58And finally, Dick and Dom.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Well...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04I certainly wouldn't like to choose, but let's find out who it is.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- It's a complete surprise, it's Dick and Dom.- Yeah!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Ah. There he is receiving it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Well done, mate. Nice one.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Hold on. Hold on, I would like to say a few words.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26We'd like to say thank you and also this is the bit
0:27:26 > 0:27:32where I have to stick my fingers in the air and say, "Go, Go, Go!"
0:27:32 > 0:27:37Yeah! Creamy Muck Muck! Yeah!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40MUSIC: "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk