0:00:02 > 0:00:05- Right, is everything ready? Are the audience in?- Check.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07All the comedy acts booked?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11- Check.- And our special star guest, the amazing comedian and slap-head
0:00:11 > 0:00:16- extraordinaire, Steve Furst, on his way?- Check.- Oh and how are you paying him?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- Cheque.- Wahey! Very good.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- We're all good to go. - And not a moment too soon.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23DOORBELL RINGS What's that?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31That's weird. It smells of knitting and cat biscuits.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- What is it?- It's for you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Give it here.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Oh, no!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Oh, no. No, no. No!
0:00:46 > 0:00:47NOOOOOO!
0:00:51 > 0:00:52- Good news? - No, it's the worst news ever.
0:00:52 > 0:00:58- Me Nan's coming to stay. - What's so bad about that? - Well, she's very...
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- Old-fashioned. And I suppose I've just told her a few lies along the way.- Like what?
0:01:02 > 0:01:06- Well, you see that I'm... - Ill?- No that I'm...- Dead?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09No, no, no, that I'm...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Married!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16YEAH!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Great(!)
0:01:41 > 0:01:46Ladies and gentlemen, on today's show - Idiots of Ance.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Thankless Child.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53The Penny Dreadfuls.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Abandonman.
0:01:55 > 0:02:01And our special guest star Steve Furst.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05But now, please welcome to the stage your Funny Business hosts,
0:02:05 > 0:02:10the one, the only Dick and Dom.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Hello ladies and gents, so good to have you back for another Dick and Dom's Funny Business.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25CHEERING
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Each week we guarantee - and by that we don't mean an actual guarantee -
0:02:30 > 0:02:34to introduce you to literally the funniest comedians in the universe.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Hoy-ya! Whoa!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Ah. Right put that on.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40No.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- I don't want to.- Go on. Give it a go.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Look stop it, I don't want to wear a stupid shiny '70s top hat.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I know what you're doing
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- and it's not going to work. - So what am I trying to do?
0:02:51 > 0:02:56You're trying to turn me into your old showbiz partner, Jeff Starlight.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01You've got to let it go. He was a nice guy, but the act, it just didn't work, all right?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Well that's charming. A hard-working man gets cannonballed into
0:03:04 > 0:03:08a tank full of sharks and you just stand there saying it didn't work.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12It worked once, but he was never really the same after that, was he?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Not around water, no.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18So you're better off with your sturdy little partner, Dom, eh?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I wouldn't change you for the world.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Now, tell me what have we got nestled in our hive of comedy delights for today?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27The one and only Steve Furst, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Yes. He will there on this stage.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- For your delectation and delight. He's brilliant. You know who else is brilliant?- Who?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- It's our first fantastic act. Do you want to see them?- YES!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Good, because it's our first.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Please give it up for the masters of sketch comedy, the Idiots of Ance.
0:03:55 > 0:04:02We got ourselves a treasure map and X marks the spot in Dead Man's Cove.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03YEAH!
0:04:03 > 0:04:11- It will be a treacherous quest, full of deadly enemies, slimly serpents, all in treacherous waters.- YEAH!
0:04:11 > 0:04:18- Only the strong will return with fortune and glory.- YEAH!
0:04:18 > 0:04:22And the rest of ye won't be coming back!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24YEAH!
0:04:24 > 0:04:31Sir? What exactly d'ye mean by won't be coming back?
0:04:31 > 0:04:36- Some of ye may be lost at sea.- YEAH!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Lost at sea, what does that mean?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Dead.- Dead!- Dead!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Well, we're not going then.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- No, not at all. - No, you're a crazy person.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- I can't believe we nearly did that. - I was so close to going with him.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57He got us so excited about going on a boat trip.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Oh!
0:04:59 > 0:05:06- What's wrong? - Ow...I was just imagining if we had gone and I did get lost at sea.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Who'd feed my pet parrot?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Well, you're not going.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15No, we spotted his trick in time.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19No, but what happens if next time we don't spot his trick in time?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I don't know what I'd do if any of you were lost at sea.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Don't even say that.- I love you.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31Shipmates, don't you all want to go after the treasure?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34We don't need treasure.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37We're comfortable.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40And besides, we have already got treasure.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Where?- The treasure in our hearts.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Ah!
0:05:46 > 0:05:51- What? - What's my favourite kind of ship?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52A friendship.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Come on, pirates, don't you want to fight?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58No, I bruise like a peach.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Surely you want to kidnap.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Oh, you'll give pirates a bad name.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Surely you want to steal gold.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Stealing gold is all well and good
0:06:08 > 0:06:12until you've been on the receiving end.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17- What happened?- I was once given the incorrect change.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It's a horrible world!
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- Cuddle?- Cuddle.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28No, no, no, no pirates!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- What about the map?- Forget your map.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Let's just go to Spain.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I know a little beach.
0:06:35 > 0:06:41It's a real sun trap and there's an ice-cream kiosk and donkey rides
0:06:41 > 0:06:44and we can have hats that say, kiss-me-quick.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, finally, an excuse to go on a boat ride.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I'll race you to the Jolly Roger!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Bagsy me a window cabin.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54GO PIRATES!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- WHOO!- Wait for me.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Yes, yes. I understand,
0:07:06 > 0:07:12but we can't really get the driver to drop you outside the door.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Because you're on a train.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Yeah, we can look into laying some more track.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20But I just think a taxi might be a bit easier.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Yes, OK, goodbye.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Right, that's Mr Steve Furst on his way. How you getting on in there?
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- How do you think? Do I have to do this?- Right, we've discussed this.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34It's the only way to make my nan believe that I'm happily married.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Come on, let's have a look.- No.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Come on, it can't be that bad.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Well?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Yep, it's that bad.- I knew it.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56What took you so long in there?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Girls take a long time to get ready, OK. I was...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- SPEAKS IN A HIGH VOICE: - I was just getting into character.
0:08:01 > 0:08:07Well, it hasn't worked. There's no way that my nan's going to believe that I am married to THAT!
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- Huh! You look like a man in a dress. - You can be so hurtful.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- But you are a man in a dress. - You said it again.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Steve Furst is going to be here any minute.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Just go on and get out of that ridiculous outfit.
0:08:21 > 0:08:27Dominic Wood! You insensitive brute, after all the effort I made. I accessorised and everything.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- We haven't got time for this.- There's always time to be a gentleman.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40GENTLE PIANO MUSIC Look, look, I'm sorry.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Now, please go and get changed.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Of course I will. - DOOR BELL RINGS
0:08:45 > 0:08:50Right, if that's this week's special guest, Mr Steve Furst,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54whatever you do, don't come out dressed as a woman.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Got it.- Right.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00OK. How exciting.
0:09:00 > 0:09:06Ah, it's only this week's special guest, Mr Steve Furst.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Oh!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10How are you.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Lovely to have you on the show.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Pleasure to be here. Is Dick not about?
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- I think he's popped out for some milk or something. You'll catch up with him later.- All right, OK.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Hello!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Who is this?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Forgot me handbag.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Hello there.- You all right? Argh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41No, it's fine. I mean...
0:09:41 > 0:09:45HIGH-PITCHED VOICE No, it's fine. Not a problem.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'm Steve Furst.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I know. We've met.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- We have?- I mean...I'm a huge fan, so, yes, it feels like we've met.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Oh, right, OK.
0:09:57 > 0:10:04- And who are you?- Dick...si. Dixie. Yes, my name is Dixie.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Sorry Mr Furst, how incredibly rude of me.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11This, let may I introduce to you is Dick's...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Um...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16twin sister, Dixie.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I can actually see the resemblance.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I'm sorry but she was just leaving.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Changing.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- She was just changing.- Leaving. - She was just changing to leave.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30That's right. Weren't you, Dick? Er Dixie?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Yes, I'll just go and get changed.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36No, you're already changed.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- Oh yes, which means that I'm now... - Leaving.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Come on.- What are you talking about? I'm not going out looking like this.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Why? I think you look lovely.
0:10:46 > 0:10:52In fact, I think you might be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06HE THROWS UP
0:11:08 > 0:11:09You're perfect.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Those eyes, that hair, that hint of womanly stubble.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Oh!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20You see, not everyone thinks I look terrible.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Thank you, Steve, that's very kind of you, Mr Furst.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Not at all, Dixie.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Stop it.- Oh! Hey!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Hey! Hey!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32All right, lads, I mean you two.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- Why don't I show you to your dressing room? It's time, Mr Furst.- Is it?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38LOUD CHIME
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"Oh hello there, yes it is now time for this week's special guest to
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"make ware way to their room, thank you."
0:11:43 > 0:11:45See, told you. Come on, Mr Furst.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Come on through here.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- I'll catch you later, Dixie. - Only if you catch me.- Eh?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Never mind. See you in a bit. Bye-bye, Mr Furst.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Oh, boy! He doesn't seem to be the only gentleman around here, does he?
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Don't flatter yourself. - What? No, I'm mean you - you hairy-handed half-wit.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Get changed, we need to get back on stage.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Not until we have read some History of Funny Business.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10What? Oh. All right.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Right. OK.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27In your own time.
0:12:33 > 0:12:40The construction site, a dangerous situation where safety should be paramount at all times.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44So there is a rich comedic seam to be mined here.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Ah yes, the rake.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51A simple tool normally used for clearing leaves or light weeding.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56But watch what happens when it's placed on the ground like so.
0:12:56 > 0:13:03Oh! See how the humble rake has been transformed into a magnificent comedy prop.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08Carelessness on a construction site can be a treacherous thing.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11But in a comedy routine it's just the ticket.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Oh, interesting helmet, Subject B.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Oh, dear. Oh, dear that's not going to help anything at all. Oh, hello.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Jolly good.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Let's ratchet up the comedy a tad.
0:13:23 > 0:13:29What happens when we combine the previous examples together?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Oh good work, Subject A.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Oh delightful.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Subject A? Where are you going with that?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Text book.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Marvellous. Well done, chaps.
0:13:52 > 0:13:58You've employed several wonderful slapstick routines into one tremendous comedy sequence.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03And so there we have it, the perilous and
0:14:03 > 0:14:06hilarious construction site gag.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10I think we've all learnt something here today, boys. Safety first.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- How are you doing? You all right? - AUDIENCE: YES!
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Jolly good. I'm glad you're feeling good, but what about you, little princess?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34How are you feeling? Are you OK?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I'm feeling spot on, thank you me best mate in the whole world.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Well, that's good.- Good.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Yes.- Actually I've got a bit of a favour to ask you.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- A favour?- Yes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Well, fire away.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Will you sponsor me?
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Well, of course. Of course I will. Shall I sponsor him? Yes?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56What are you doing?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Nothing.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Right. So how do you see that working?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Well, I've not really thought about it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Cash maybe? Just lend us 20 quid or something.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Why should I give you 20 quid?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Hold on a minute. You misunderstand.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18You don't have to GIVE the money to me. No, I want you to sponsor me it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21OK. Now listen closely.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Right, the deal is usually someone will undertake some sort
0:15:25 > 0:15:31of challenge, usually a marathon or a bike ride and usually it's for a charity which forms
0:15:31 > 0:15:36- the incentive for people to give you money. Got it?- Right.
0:15:36 > 0:15:43So how about if the charity is that I need 20 quid and the challenge is that I buy a couple of new CDs?
0:15:43 > 0:15:48There is a big difference between charity cases and CD cases!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- All that for that.- All right, OK, introduce the next act - come on.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- I will I can barely wait. Do you want them? - YES!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00If you like funny impressions, you'll love these girls.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05Yeah please put your hands together for Thankless Child.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11OK, who's this? You're fired!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Ooh-aah, from what? My job?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17No, Rachel, it's an impression. You're fired!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Oh no, I'll have to get a new job.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24No, it's an impression of Alan Sugar from The Apprentice.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29It's that show where he fires people and when he does, he says, "You're fired!"
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Oh, yes, I know the one, where he has the business people on.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- He gets rid of one each week. He says, "You're fired!"- Yeah.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38No, I didn't get that.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It didn't sound like him.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- OK, I'll do another one.- Great.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Who's this? Um... OK.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49My husband and I...
0:16:49 > 0:16:54- That's not Alan again, is it? - No, it was the Queen.- Of?
0:16:54 > 0:16:59- England!- Queen of England, gosh. No, I did not get that at all.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Go on, do another one. You're so good at them, Lucy.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- OK, I'll give you a really easy one. - OK.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Quack, quack, quack.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Quack, quack, quack?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Gosh, if you could just do it again.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Quack, quack, quack.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Quack, quack, quack?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26No, I am getting it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Just do it a couple more times.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33Quack, quack. Quack, quack. Quack, quack.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Quack, quack, quack, quack...
0:17:35 > 0:17:40- Fearne Cotton!- No, it's a duck!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42It was a duck, you idiot.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43How can you not tell?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46That is fantastic. That is an impression of my Uncle Rob when he's really angry.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49No, Rachel, this isn't the impression!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Yes, he does sound just like that, doesn't he?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- "No, Rachel, come away from there!" - This isn't an impression of your Uncle Rob.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59No, I suppose he's more sort of throaty.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02More sort of, "I'm Uncle Rob."
0:18:02 > 0:18:05It's got nothing to do with your Uncle Rob.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Gosh, every time we play the impressions game you never get any of them.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14- That was the easiest one I've ever done.- Sorry.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- Sorry. Sorry.- Fine.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I'll tell you what.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23What about I do an impression?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25OK, I've got a pretty good one.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Come on. OK, who is this?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Quack, um, quack, quack.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- It's a duck.- No, silly, it's you.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Oh, stop it!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- Here, you're a big one, aren't you? - Oh, Dixie, you're so funny.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- And pretty.- And pretty.- And witty.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- And witty.- And very good at astronomical metaphysics.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- We've got absolutely no evidence for that.- Who does?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09See you later, yeah?
0:19:16 > 0:19:21- Here you are.- No, look, I really wish she wouldn't talk to the acts dressed like that, you know.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24And that. Here you are.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Right, that's it.- What?
0:19:26 > 0:19:32- I've had enough.- Eh?- When my nan turns up, you talk to her, be very polite, make your excuses and leave.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36In the meantime, do not speak to Steve Furst.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Why?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Because he prefers brunettes. - He does?
0:19:40 > 0:19:46No, of course not! Cos he thinks you are Dixie, your own twin sister.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49When he finds out he's been flirting with you
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- he might walk off the show.- Oh.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55DOORBELL
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Come on.- All right.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Hi, Dom.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06It's only Kelly-Ann Manhattan, the gorgeous but slightly ditzy daughter of the owner of this theatre.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08This girl has a real crush on me.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13What? Are you sure? I mean, she always gets your name wrong.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18- Oh yeah, that is a bit annoying, but I think it's pretty obvious, really. - Yeah, right.
0:20:18 > 0:20:24- Tell you what, now seems like a very good time to find out.- Oh, yeah.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I'll go over there as Dixie, find out what she thinks of me...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Yes.- Good one.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Good.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Hi, Kelly-Ann.- Hi, Dom.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Oh, yes, yes.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Hi, Da... Oh, where's Dan?- Dick.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43No, I'm Kelly-Ann. And who might you be?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I love your hair. It's so pretty.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Where did you get it done? Wait, do not tell me.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Did you get it done at that new place on the Avenue?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I have so been wanting to go there.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- The last guy that I went to was a total HRD.- Hmm?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Hair related disaster.- Oh.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Anyway, I'd really better go. But thank you so much for the tip, my SABFF.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Salon-Advisory Best Friend Forever. - Oh, yes, yes.- We should do coffee.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Let's meet at Chico's tomorrow between two and five.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Oh, that was a little prickly.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Don't worry, I have some cream for that. I'll bring it tomorrow.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21It was great to see you.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26Wait, Kelly-Ann, you don't even know who this is.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Oh, silly me. Would you believe that happens to me a lot?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Kelly-Ann Manhattan.- Oh.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34So super-pleased to make your acquaintance.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39Hi, Kelly-Ann Manhattan. Come over here for a girly chat. You know this Dick ...
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I mean Dan? Do you think he's cute?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Depends what kind of cute you mean.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48I guess he's cute in the way that Shrek's cute.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- Go on, you're in a rush. - Oh, you're so wise. Bye.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Kelly-Ann, aren't you forgetting something?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00OMG, did you want to ask for my number or something, because that
0:22:00 > 0:22:03would be totally OK, but no pressure. I'm cool with it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06No, no, I just wanted to know if you want to be in the finale?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Oh.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Well, can I?- Yes.- Yay! Thanks. Bye.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You did have a good girly chat, didn't you?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Not really. She's not the chatty type.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Oh, yes, hello, Mr Furst.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Anything I can do for you?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27I was wondering if I might speak to Dixie.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Yeah.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- I was wondering if you might like...- Spit it out!
0:22:31 > 0:22:36I was wondering if maybe I could take you out for dinner.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41No! I...I don't think that's a very good idea.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Why not?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Because, um... Because she eats like a pig.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Yes, a big, fat bloated pig.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51You watch it!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Sorry.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Would you like to go out for dinner?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- You paying?- Of course.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Then, yeah, why not?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Wonderful.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Isn't she just. I'll see you later, Dixie.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- Not if you see me first.- Oh boy!
0:23:13 > 0:23:17"Emergency! Emergency! Dick and Dom to the stage immediately!"
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Right, trousers down.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I mean, roll the trousers down.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Looks like Barry Houdini's in trouble again.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Take the dress off. - OK.- Get on stage.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31BOOING
0:23:36 > 0:23:38What are you doing?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42You've mucked it up again. Barry Houdini.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I tell you what, seriously, he needs to get out of that game.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I know, well, you can't knock him through lack of trying though, can you?
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- Do you think this might be the right time to call an impromptu interval? - Yes.- Right, let's do it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:58 > 0:24:02There will now be a short inter-val.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Why not try your hand at a craft you've never tried before, such as
0:24:06 > 0:24:09underwater pottery or extreme crochet?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Shall we box step, yes?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Very good. Out of sync.
0:24:16 > 0:24:23Right, or maybe you're in the mood for a nice hot spoonful of cat's milk? Mmm!
0:24:23 > 0:24:29You could even attempt to speed read a complete set of encyclopaedias wearing your nan's favourite hat.
0:24:29 > 0:24:35However you choose to unwind, be sure you return to your seat before the show resumes.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Otherwise you're not having a birthday present, all right, and that's that!
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Oh, and remember, our usherettes Betty and Betty are always there to help.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43See you in a moment.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Sorry I'm late, Betty, love. Please don't tell me off.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Me alarm didn't go off, I missed my bus.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Don't worry about it, Betty.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- You seem happy. - Well, I am. I'm in a good mood.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I've got some very good news.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08Oh, I knew it. I thought you were looking fatter than usual. When's the baby due?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Don't be cheeky! I'm not having a baby.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I'm to be married.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- Who to?- To that Robert Pattinson from Twilight.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Robert Pattinson, ooh!
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- But I thought you were already married to your Barry. - I dumped Barry.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- It's R-Patz all the way for me now. - Never.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Oi, you, kid!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Get your sticky fingers off the polished surfaces.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- I've only just had them ragged down this morning! - SMASH
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Oh, I love kids, me.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45So, where are you planning on having this glamorous wedding?
0:25:45 > 0:25:50Well, this time, Betty, we're talking big, Betty.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- What, like Hollywood big? - No, community centre big.
0:25:56 > 0:26:02Yeah, even this week's special guest is trying to wangle a ticket out of me.
0:26:02 > 0:26:08I tell you what, as the guests arrive, they are going to be greeted by 150 pink flamingos.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Oh, I love pink, me.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16Oh, well I'm going to paint them blue then to go with my lovely uniform.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Oh, getting married in uniform. Just like royalty, that is.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Very like royalty.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23We're even going to have thrones.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- Ooh, fancy!- Yeah, R-Patz's brother is a bathroom fitter.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31He's going to chuck in a couple of second-hand bogs and put some velvet over t'top.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Very classy and practical.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38All this talk of bogs and velvet's making me hungry, Betty.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Choc drop, choc drop, choc drop, choc drop, choc drop, choc drop!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Very tasty.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- TEXT ALERT - Oh, hang on.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Oh, it's a text message from R-Patz.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Ooh.- With bad news.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58He says the wedding's off.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Oh, Betty, no, that is bad news.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Oh, brace yourself, love.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Batten down the hatches. Here they come.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- Quick, check my cheeks, would you, please, love? - Let me just get that for you.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Very nouveau.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- Thanks, Betty, love.- No problem.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Choc-ice! Lollies! R-Patz!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- Did you all have a good interval? - YES!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I tell you what, that is me refreshed and ready to rock.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- Anyway, shall we do the notices? - Not the notices.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- We've got to do the notices. - But it's so boring. - We're going to do the notices.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Listen up and then we can carry on with the next fantastic act.
0:27:49 > 0:27:55OK, let's have a look. Please don't run through any slippy puddles that you may find in the theatre.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56- Yes, obvious.- Same old stuff.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Please refrain from barking like a dog during the acts.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03No live chickens permitted during the filming.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06You know who you are.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Is there a Ricardo Rio in the audience?- Yes.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13We've just had this little note in the interval saying that
0:28:13 > 0:28:19your wife-to-be has called and she has said the wedding is off because she's just run off with your brother.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Well, that's the formalities.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27- Anything else on there, Dick? - Nothing else, really.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31- There's only one teaspoon left in the drawer.- What?!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Right, shall we carry on? Ladies and gentlemen,
0:28:34 > 0:28:38please remain calm whilst we try and locate the rest of the spoons.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Allow yourselves to become overwhelmed by delight as we
0:28:42 > 0:28:46welcome to the stage the excellent Penny Dreadfuls!
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Try not to speak, sir.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00I'm going to look for a surgeon.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I'll be back soon.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07- Private, look after this man with your life.- Yes, sir.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12What's your name, private?
0:29:12 > 0:29:15- It's Piper, sir.- Your first name, boy, your first name.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Johnny, sir.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Oh, Johnny.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- I'm a dead man, Johnny. - Don't say that, sir.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29No, it's game over for me.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- Promise me something, Johnny. - Yes, sir, anything.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Promise me you'll find my wife.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- Yes, sir.- Promise me.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41I promise. I promise. NONSENSICAL SHOUTING
0:29:41 > 0:29:49Find her and tell her to think back to that day in Somerset when we were both young,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52and the world brimmed over with myriad wonders.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Our lives ahead to sample them all.
0:29:56 > 0:30:03Laughing and falling between vanity and youth, basking in the glory of the love we shared.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07A bond the Herculean Sampson could not rend asunder.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Nor blossoms rival in its delicacy.
0:30:09 > 0:30:17Tell her that on that day, and that day alone, the world made perfect sense to me.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Now say it back to me.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29- Erm... - So I know she'll hear it right!
0:30:29 > 0:30:34- Tell her to think back to that day in Somerset...- Yes.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37- ..when you were young...- Both young! - ..both young...- Both young!
0:30:37 > 0:30:39..both young...
0:30:39 > 0:30:43- and the world, er, felt... - Brimmed over!- ..brimmed over...
0:30:43 > 0:30:45The world brimmed over.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47..and the world brimmed over.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50- With myriad wonders! - I've found the surgeon.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53- Don't worry, he'll be here any second, sir.- Oh, thank goodness!
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Remember, Johnny...
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Oh, no! Sir!
0:31:02 > 0:31:05GUNSHOT
0:31:05 > 0:31:07What's your name, Private?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09SpongeBob, isn't it?
0:31:09 > 0:31:11- It's Johnny, sir.- Ah, Johnny.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Johnny, Johnny.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16I'm a dead man, Johnny.
0:31:16 > 0:31:21- Don't say that, sir.- Promise me you'll find my wife, Johnny.
0:31:21 > 0:31:26- Yes, sir, that's fine.- Find my wife...- Yes.- Tell her I hate her.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31- What?- I've written a poem I think best expresses it.
0:31:31 > 0:31:37Susan! S is for Susan, for that is your name
0:31:37 > 0:31:41U is for ugly, stupid and lame
0:31:41 > 0:31:45S is for Susan again and also stupid
0:31:45 > 0:31:49And why do your gums all...
0:31:49 > 0:31:51That's not a poem!
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Did somebody call for a surgeon?
0:31:53 > 0:31:57I'm sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my trousers.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01I've found them, now, though, so no problem.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- GUNSHOT - Ahh! Ahh!
0:32:04 > 0:32:07No, er... Argh!
0:32:16 > 0:32:20What's your name, Private? Tracy Beaker, isn't it?
0:32:20 > 0:32:22- No, it's Johnny, sir. - Listen to me, Tracy.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24I'm not long for this world.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26I'm a dead man, Tracy.
0:32:26 > 0:32:31Promise me something. Promise me you'll learn medicine so you can heal me.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34- I can't read!- I'll teach you.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37A is for apple. Say after me.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41- A is for apple.- B is for...
0:32:51 > 0:32:54- She should be here by now.- Who?
0:32:54 > 0:32:56What do you mean, "Who?"? My nan!
0:32:56 > 0:32:59I wish she'd hurry. The sooner you can stop pretending
0:32:59 > 0:33:01to be my nonexistent wife, the better.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05I wish she'd hurry up, too - it's nerve-racking meeting the family.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09You do know this isn't a real marriage, don't you?
0:33:09 > 0:33:12You're telling me! When did you last buy me flowers?
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I've never bought you flowers.
0:33:15 > 0:33:16Exactly.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22Why can't I quit you?
0:33:22 > 0:33:23Oh, hi.
0:33:26 > 0:33:27Women!
0:33:28 > 0:33:33Stop being so ridiculous. And keep that wig of my fake wife on, right?
0:33:33 > 0:33:37- (HIGH-PITCHED) The magic's gone! - PHONE RINGS
0:33:37 > 0:33:40That'll be me nan now. Right.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45I'll get it. It's good to make a good first impression.
0:33:45 > 0:33:50Hello, Dixie speaking. Outgoing yet also kind and homely.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Hi, Dixie. It's me, Steve.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56What? Oh, yes, hello, Steve!
0:33:56 > 0:33:57I hoped you'd answer.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00It's so hard to talk with that Dom getting in the way.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03He does get under one's feet, doesn't he? He's only small.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05It's not his fault.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- Get off!- 'Dixie?'
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- Dixie? Are you there? Is somebody else there?- No.
0:34:10 > 0:34:16No, no, no, it's just me. Er, I just broke a nail picking my nose. Yeah.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20Oh. OK. Well, you seemed a little bit off earlier with me,
0:34:20 > 0:34:23and I wondered if I'd done something to upset you.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25It wasn't you, it was that heartless Dom.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28I caught the tiny little scamp wearing me bra again.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30I was furious! Get off, you...
0:34:30 > 0:34:32'There IS somebody there!'
0:34:32 > 0:34:35Who is it, Dixie? I just heard them tell me to get lost.
0:34:35 > 0:34:39- Erm, yes, yes, er, there is someone else here. Mm.- 'Who?'
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Eh? Er, it's my brother.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- Yes, Dick.- Oh! Oh.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Right, well, put him on, please.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49OK...
0:34:49 > 0:34:51He wants to speak to Dick.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53- You're Dick.- Oh, yeah.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00- Hello, Dick speaking. - Dick, hi, it's Steve Furst.
0:35:00 > 0:35:05- What's up?- Look, I know you're only being protective of your sister,
0:35:05 > 0:35:08but I think she's a really nice girl.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10I only wanted to take her out for a chicken bhuna.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Mm, no, I don't like spicy food. Gives me the runs.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Well, I didn't think you were coming.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20- Er, I'm not.- No! No, no, that's OK, I understand.
0:35:20 > 0:35:25- You want to chaperone. - A chaper-what?- A chaperone.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28You want to come along to the meal to make sure I'm a gentleman.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30I totally understand.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Look, I'd be happy for you to accompany Dixie and me.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37'Do you like fish and chips?'
0:35:37 > 0:35:42Er, no, I do not like fish and chips.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Ah! I LOVE fish and chips!
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Great! That's settled. After the show,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52I'll take me, you and your sister out for fish and chips.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54Great. See you then, then. Bye!
0:35:54 > 0:35:59Cheers, mate! Oh, give Dixie a kiss from me.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01A kiss. Yes. Er...
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Mm, I'll try. Cheers, Steve. Bye.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08- What a perfect gentleman he is. - What? No, no, no! But you...
0:36:08 > 0:36:10I mean, he and the she...
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- And then all three of you... - No, no. Calm down, princess.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16If Steve wants to take my sister Dixie and me out to...
0:36:16 > 0:36:22- Dom?- Yes?- Have I just agreed to go on a date as myself
0:36:22 > 0:36:28and my imaginary sister with this week's special guest, Mr Furst?
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Oh!
0:36:31 > 0:36:33WHOOSH
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Oh, an e-mail.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I wonder who it's from.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41It's from them wannabe wrestlers the Devastation Brothers,
0:36:41 > 0:36:43the ones that want to rip us from limb to limb.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52So, Dick and Dom, the time has come.
0:36:52 > 0:36:58Lunchtime! Ma, can I have Alphabetti Spaghetti, please? Now!
0:36:58 > 0:37:01No, Randy, you just had Alphabetti Spaghetti.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Not lunchtime, I'm saying the time has come
0:37:04 > 0:37:07for us to go to the UK and destroy Dick and Dom!
0:37:07 > 0:37:10I love Alphabetti Spaghetti.
0:37:10 > 0:37:15It's not only delicious, but I can spell my favourite words with it,
0:37:15 > 0:37:16like POOP
0:37:16 > 0:37:18and FARTS!
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- Farts, poop, farts.- Randy, enough of the spaghetti spelling.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25We are masters of disaster, not masters of pasta.
0:37:25 > 0:37:30So look out, Dick and Dom, because the Devastation Brothers...
0:37:35 > 0:37:39..the Devastation Brothers are coming for you.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Unfortunately, we haven't got money for tickets
0:37:42 > 0:37:46to get to the UK at the moment, but very soon it is Randy's birthday day.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50Hey! I love my birthday day!
0:37:50 > 0:37:53I want a party, I want a new teddy bear
0:37:53 > 0:37:58and I want enough Alphabetti Spaghetti to spell...
0:37:58 > 0:38:00..antidisestablishmentarianism.
0:38:00 > 0:38:06No, Randy, what you want is for Mom to give you money so that
0:38:06 > 0:38:10we can buy tickets to go to the UK and kick Dick and Dom's butts!
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Oh, yeah! What he said.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Yeah! But can I still get some Alphabetti Spaghetti
0:38:16 > 0:38:18spaghetti spaghetti, please?
0:38:18 > 0:38:20If we get those tickets, Randy,
0:38:20 > 0:38:23you can have all the Alphabetti Spaghetti in the world.
0:38:23 > 0:38:27Yay! Spaghetti! Spaghetti devastation!
0:38:27 > 0:38:29- Calm down...- Devastation.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Calm down, Randy.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Spaghetti devastation!
0:38:35 > 0:38:42Hey, Ma, look, Butch has got "poo" on his face. Again!
0:38:46 > 0:38:50Yes, yes, Nanny. Yes, I'll clean in-between me tootsies.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54Yeah, I'm wearing the thermal knickers you sent me at Christmas.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56I'm not.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Yes, OK, yeah.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Here, look, she's moaning about me granddad.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Apparently, his concentration's going.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06He keep switching himself on and off all the time.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10A bit like that TV we've got that turns itself on at random.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24So, back in the kitchen, and Mike is finishing his stew,
0:39:24 > 0:39:26which he's cleverly named Mike's Stew.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29They'll be talking about this all evening.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Yeah, I bet they will.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36Meanwhile, back in the dining room, Mike's guests are getting fidgety.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37Where's the bloomin' food?
0:39:37 > 0:39:40- I'm starvin'.- Need you raise your voice like that?
0:39:40 > 0:39:44- I'll raise it any way I like. - Hey, please let's not argue.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47I must say, I do find Belinda a little bit - what's the word?
0:39:47 > 0:39:48Hateful.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Belinda is always calling me an idiot.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Although, thinking about it, everyone calls me an idiot.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58We don't all call you that, Peter, you idiot.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59Oh!
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Looks like Mike's main dish has finally arrived.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04There we are. Don't grab it all at once.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06I don't think they will, Mike.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Mm! It's quite nice, actually.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Yes. I guess looks can be deceiving.
0:40:14 > 0:40:15Yours aren't, love.
0:40:15 > 0:40:19- It's lovely. What's in it, Mike? - Secret ingredient.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Agh! What's that bloomin' thing?
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Ah, no, he's escaped. He can probably smell his brother.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Smell his brother?
0:40:27 > 0:40:31Mike, please don't tell me you've made tortoise stew.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33I'm sorry, everybody, I have.
0:40:33 > 0:40:34I have made tortoise stew.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40But it tastes so nice...
0:40:42 > 0:40:44I didn't know what else to cook.
0:40:48 > 0:40:52Well, looks like Mike certainly came out of his shell tonight.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56As did his tortoise. But has he done enough to win?
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Well, the food made us all very sick,
0:40:58 > 0:41:01but I did like Mike's joke about the Queen. Six out of ten.
0:41:01 > 0:41:05Absolutely awful. Two.
0:41:05 > 0:41:06I really enjoyed myself.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Nine out of ten.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Next time on Come Dine With Teddy...
0:41:17 > 0:41:20"Where's the gravy?"?! Here's the gravy!
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Oh...
0:41:30 > 0:41:33Meet the Nelsons, Phil and Julie.
0:41:33 > 0:41:37Since their children have grown up, their lives have become mayhem,
0:41:37 > 0:41:38as they have slowly but surely
0:41:38 > 0:41:43lost control of Daisy, their 83-year-old mother.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45- I'll have you!- No!
0:41:48 > 0:41:50The family have been pushed to the limit -
0:41:50 > 0:41:53there's only one person to turn to.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56This is some of the worst footage I have ever seen.
0:41:56 > 0:42:03This is Jan Stone, the Super Granny Nanny.
0:42:03 > 0:42:07Daisy is an OAP with the tantrums of a teenager
0:42:07 > 0:42:10who simply refuses to grow up.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13Jan Stone is coming to the end of her stay with the Nelsons.
0:42:13 > 0:42:18But so far, she's been as effective as a leg on a snake.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21But she hasn't given up.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23What you doing, B-Dog? How's it hanging?
0:42:23 > 0:42:25I've gathered you to communicate.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Communication equals family salvation.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32- Daisy, what are you doing? - I'm communicating on me mobile.
0:42:32 > 0:42:36Sorry, fishface wants me. Peace out.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38This is exactly the problem. She doesn't listen.
0:42:38 > 0:42:43And I'm sick of her calling me names, like Smalleyes and Harry Snotter.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46- Don't forget Sheriff of Nerdsville. - Sheriff of Nerdsville.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48Chubby Funster. Smelly Eddie.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51Gap Teeth. Hook Nose. Mr Borin'.
0:42:51 > 0:42:56- Big Chin. Bum Face. - She never called me Bum Face.
0:42:56 > 0:42:57Didn't she?
0:42:59 > 0:43:02Anyway, she just always acts like a teenager.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04I've listened to the problems,
0:43:04 > 0:43:09and I think it's time for me to turn Daisy from a testy teenage OAP
0:43:09 > 0:43:11into a dignified granny.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13It's a complete granny make-over.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Daisy!
0:43:15 > 0:43:17Oh, yes! That is more like it!
0:43:17 > 0:43:21Super Granny Nanny's last-ditch attempt to avoid abject failure
0:43:21 > 0:43:22seems to impress.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24- She's knitted you a jumper. - For me?
0:43:24 > 0:43:27- That's lovely, that is. - But will it work?
0:43:27 > 0:43:30It's like a real gran! How do I look?
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Oh...
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Are you going to let her get away with it?
0:43:36 > 0:43:39You cannot let her continue to walk all over you.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42What's it to be, give up or man up?
0:43:48 > 0:43:51I can't believe he'd just get up and leave.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54I'm disappointed. It shows weakness.
0:43:54 > 0:43:57So you want me to do more things a normal granny
0:43:57 > 0:43:59would do for you, do you?
0:43:59 > 0:44:01You've got a dirty face.
0:44:01 > 0:44:05This time, Daisy is going in for the kill.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21There goes Super Granny Nanny, pride in tatters
0:44:21 > 0:44:23and covered in grannyflob,
0:44:23 > 0:44:27Daisy's free to carry on acting like a teenager with her daughter Julie.
0:44:33 > 0:44:35Are you coming, then?
0:44:35 > 0:44:38Oh, right, yeah, you're going to Auntie Alan's instead?
0:44:38 > 0:44:41- "Auntie Alan"? - Yes, of course I don't mind. Yes.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43You'll have far more fun at Auntie Alan's, yes.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45No, no, no, here's a bit boring
0:44:45 > 0:44:48Just a load of boring, happily-married stuff here.
0:44:49 > 0:44:54Oh yes, yes. I know, I'm hilarious.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57You think the show's hilarious too? Thank you. What?
0:44:57 > 0:44:59You watch it on TV all the time?
0:45:00 > 0:45:03You're watching now?
0:45:03 > 0:45:07So you know we're not really married then?
0:45:07 > 0:45:11Yes, and I'm glad you find it so funny. What?
0:45:13 > 0:45:15You want me to give Dixie a kiss from you?
0:45:17 > 0:45:19All right. OK.
0:45:19 > 0:45:23You're joking. Come on, get it over with.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26You smell of mothballs.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29No, not you. Right, OK, love you, bye.
0:45:29 > 0:45:31Thank goodness for that.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34Does that mean I don't have to be your wife any more, then?
0:45:45 > 0:45:49Hi, Dom. Hi, Dixie. What happened to your hair?
0:45:49 > 0:45:52I thought I'd try something different, you know.
0:45:52 > 0:45:54Yes, we all make mistakes.
0:45:54 > 0:45:58- Lovely, Dixie. Now, is Dick about? - NO!
0:45:58 > 0:46:02I am really looking forward to taking you and Dick out for fish and chips.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06About that...
0:46:06 > 0:46:08Hi, Dom.
0:46:10 > 0:46:12Hi, Dixie. Where's Dan?
0:46:12 > 0:46:16For the last time, my name is not Dan.
0:46:16 > 0:46:18It's Dick, all right?
0:46:18 > 0:46:23- My name is Dick.- Dixie?
0:46:25 > 0:46:28I suppose it's too late to put the wig back on?
0:46:28 > 0:46:30I don't understand.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32OMG.
0:46:32 > 0:46:36Dixie is Dan!
0:46:36 > 0:46:39Dick! I am Dick!
0:46:39 > 0:46:43I don't believe it.
0:46:43 > 0:46:47Hold on. Steven Furst, is that you?
0:46:47 > 0:46:50Kelly-Anne Manhattan! OMG. SLF. My BFF.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52I thought you were in Hollywood.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54- I am not.- I have missed you.
0:46:54 > 0:46:57I missed you too.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait!
0:46:59 > 0:47:02- Do you guys know each other?- Duh!
0:47:02 > 0:47:07- Does that mean we'll be in the finale together?- Yes, it does.
0:47:07 > 0:47:11And as for you two...
0:47:13 > 0:47:14Are we ready to go for the finale?
0:47:14 > 0:47:17- Eh?- What?- You're not in a bad mood with us
0:47:17 > 0:47:21- about the whole Dick and Dixie thing?- You should be.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23No, no.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25I knew it was a joke.
0:47:25 > 0:47:28I've been playing along with you.
0:47:28 > 0:47:30Brilliant, really brilliant.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34Look, look, we're going to be late for the finale.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37Let's get to the stage.
0:47:37 > 0:47:38Ha-ha-ha.
0:47:38 > 0:47:41- I'll be there in a sec.- All right.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43See you on stage in a minute.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45You'll like the band, they're great.
0:47:45 > 0:47:48SAD VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS
0:48:12 > 0:48:15I'm coming.
0:48:18 > 0:48:20Here's an easy question.
0:48:20 > 0:48:23- Have you all enjoyed the show?- Yes!
0:48:23 > 0:48:26I have got to be honest, I have loved every single minute
0:48:26 > 0:48:28of today's show. I have loved it.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30Good, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33I've got some bad news. It's the last time you'll see
0:48:33 > 0:48:35my sorry butt around these parts.
0:48:35 > 0:48:36What are you talking about?
0:48:36 > 0:48:41I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm off to Hollywood.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43Yes, I've got a part in a movie.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45- AUDIENCE CHEERS - Thank you.
0:48:45 > 0:48:48- I'm leaving you, Dom. - What? We're a team.
0:48:48 > 0:48:50We've grown up together. Well, you have.
0:48:50 > 0:48:55- What's the part in the movie, fancy pants?- OK, I'll tell you all.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57I'm going to be playing...
0:48:57 > 0:49:00a weakling who can't get a stain out of the carpet.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03You jammy little sausage.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05Who got you that part?
0:49:05 > 0:49:08The person who got me the part was our special guest.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome -
0:49:10 > 0:49:13you know him as Mannitol from The Legend of Dick and Dom -
0:49:13 > 0:49:16- it's Steve Furst. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:49:16 > 0:49:18Oh, yes. Is it true?
0:49:18 > 0:49:21You got him a part in a film?
0:49:21 > 0:49:24Let's just say I pulled some strings.
0:49:24 > 0:49:27Told you. I hope you're not too jealous, my little friend.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29I guess people just move on, you know.
0:49:29 > 0:49:32No, no, no. I think it's great.
0:49:32 > 0:49:36I think you deserve it. I'm not jealous at all.
0:49:36 > 0:49:37AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:49:39 > 0:49:41AUDIENCE: AWWWW!
0:49:41 > 0:49:46- Hang on a minute. How big is this part, Fursty?- Big?
0:49:46 > 0:49:50Oh, yes, he's the only person in it.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53Hear that? This is the big time.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56Hang on a minute. The only person in a film that is about a weakling
0:49:56 > 0:49:59who can't get a stain out of a carpet?
0:49:59 > 0:50:01That's right. Deep, deep.
0:50:01 > 0:50:04Well, it's deep...cleaning, technically.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08Here. How long is it?
0:50:08 > 0:50:11Just turn it in, mate. You're going to blow the part for me.
0:50:11 > 0:50:15- It's 30 seconds, maybe even about 20 seconds.- Is it?
0:50:15 > 0:50:17That seems quite brief.
0:50:17 > 0:50:21You see, you can't give all this up for that.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24- Please, take me back. - Get up, you bozo.
0:50:24 > 0:50:28I can't bear to hear any more of these low-rent showbiz dealings.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30Yeah, save it, Mr Furst.
0:50:30 > 0:50:34Save it for the lyrical quick-footed hip-hop genius
0:50:34 > 0:50:35of Abandoman.
0:50:35 > 0:50:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:50:39 > 0:50:40Here they are again,
0:50:40 > 0:50:44it is improvisational rap extraordinaires, Abandoman.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47James on the guitar and Rob spitting out the lyrics on the mike.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49And when you give them words,
0:50:49 > 0:50:53subject or phrases, they will magically include them in their rap.
0:50:53 > 0:50:57Yes, but Steve "comedy man" Furst, who does silly dances,
0:50:57 > 0:51:03this rap is going to be all about, and serenading, your good self.
0:51:03 > 0:51:04Great to meet you.
0:51:04 > 0:51:07Steve was in an amazing act we watched for years at the cinema
0:51:07 > 0:51:09where Steve plays one of many producers
0:51:09 > 0:51:12who gives out money so movies can be made.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15Today with your help, we'll try to get a new movie made.
0:51:15 > 0:51:18We'll get a few suggestions from you and from Steve.
0:51:18 > 0:51:22They will go on cards, all the words have to be used in the song.
0:51:22 > 0:51:23Our question is this.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26Can you give us the name of a movie character?
0:51:26 > 0:51:31Maybe a hero like Simba, a villain like Jaws. Any name.
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Dick will go up there and get some names.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35We'll put them down on a piece of card.
0:51:35 > 0:51:38- You. What's your name?- Finlay.
0:51:38 > 0:51:41- Which movie star?- Batman.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44Batman, great movie character. Who else has got one?
0:51:46 > 0:51:49You. Standy uppy. What's your name?
0:51:49 > 0:51:53- Hannah.- Hannah, and which movie star?- Robin Hood.- Robin Hood.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57A brilliant movie character, absolutely. Who else has got
0:51:57 > 0:52:00- a movie character?- What is your name?
0:52:00 > 0:52:03- Sian.- And which movie-star?
0:52:03 > 0:52:04Indiana Jones.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06Very nice.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09Three more.
0:52:09 > 0:52:11- What is your name?- Trudy.
0:52:11 > 0:52:14- And which movie character would it be?- Nemo.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16Nemo from Finding Nemo, lovely.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19Yes, hello. What is your name?
0:52:19 > 0:52:21- Rebecca.- Tell Rob.
0:52:21 > 0:52:24- Rebecca.- No, I know, you've told him your name.
0:52:24 > 0:52:27- Tell him your movie character. - Kate Winslet.
0:52:27 > 0:52:29Who is a movie character in the show Extras
0:52:29 > 0:52:32where she plays herself. Very well done.
0:52:34 > 0:52:37- Last one. - Yes, please. What is your name?
0:52:37 > 0:52:39- Carys.- OK, tell Rob.
0:52:39 > 0:52:40Spider-Man.
0:52:40 > 0:52:42Spider-Man. Of course.
0:52:42 > 0:52:47Now, we are going to ask one last person, Mr Steve Furst.
0:52:47 > 0:52:51You have got a gold card over there, we'd like you to write down
0:52:51 > 0:52:53a movie character that you like, a hero or villain.
0:52:53 > 0:52:57We are not going to take a look at it but it will be used in the song.
0:52:57 > 0:53:01James is a huge fan of Snow White And the Seven Dwarfs.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04In 1937, they made a Disney movie about it.
0:53:04 > 0:53:09We want to try and remake that movie and make it better with your help,
0:53:09 > 0:53:11we'll pitch a new movie to Steve
0:53:11 > 0:53:14and hopefully he'll give us the money to make it.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to go.
0:53:16 > 0:53:20Before we go any further, welcome to the stage, Kelly-Anne Manhattan.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:53:23 > 0:53:28There she is, Kelly-Anne Manhattan. You usually end the show every week
0:53:28 > 0:53:32by performing a musical interlude on an instrument.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35- And today...- I've got it.
0:53:35 > 0:53:36It is a trumpet.
0:53:36 > 0:53:42So, blow into that when we've all finished. OK, Rob take it way, mate.
0:53:42 > 0:53:46Ladies and gentlemen, this is the musical movie pitch,
0:53:46 > 0:53:47this is for Steve Furst.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise.
0:53:50 > 0:53:51CHEERING
0:53:51 > 0:53:56# We are going to make a movie like you haven't seen before
0:53:56 > 0:54:01# It's gonna be a remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
0:54:01 > 0:54:02# We're gonna make a movie. #
0:54:02 > 0:54:04(RAPS) Yes, sir, you see I've a plan
0:54:04 > 0:54:06I really want to cast Mr Spider-Man
0:54:06 > 0:54:08That's right, you know now, man, you see me
0:54:08 > 0:54:11I want him to play the character Sleepy
0:54:11 > 0:54:14I know that it's hard but he's going to play one of the dwarves
0:54:14 > 0:54:18That's just the start, I've scoured the world, I've scoured the planet
0:54:18 > 0:54:21Now I'm gonna cast the girl from the Titanic
0:54:21 > 0:54:22That's why you know Yes, man, you know me
0:54:22 > 0:54:25Kate Winslet will play the part of Dopey
0:54:25 > 0:54:28You know right now See my heart blow
0:54:28 > 0:54:30This time she's away from Leonardo
0:54:30 > 0:54:32The next one, I promise you This will be hot
0:54:32 > 0:54:35The next dwarf I believe his name is Doc
0:54:35 > 0:54:37And you know who we're going Yes, folks, we know
0:54:37 > 0:54:40It's going to be a fish We're going to find Nemo
0:54:40 > 0:54:44That's right, that's a handful, but the next one, I believe is Bashful
0:54:44 > 0:54:46And you know, we're so into soul
0:54:46 > 0:54:49We want an action Bashful Indiana Jones
0:54:49 > 0:54:51That's right, yes man, I see you
0:54:51 > 0:54:54Picking who'll direct it I'm going for Spielberg
0:54:54 > 0:54:56But right now, yes, you see me
0:54:56 > 0:54:59I'm trying to cast the character that will be Sneezy
0:54:59 > 0:55:01We've got folks that are often good
0:55:01 > 0:55:04But one person we don't have - Robin Hood
0:55:04 > 0:55:06He wasn't the greatest person we've come across, kids
0:55:06 > 0:55:08We can set this in Sherwood forest
0:55:08 > 0:55:10Last one, yes, I met him last week
0:55:10 > 0:55:13I thought, I'm going to cast him as Happy
0:55:13 > 0:55:15You know they said that it is a mad plan
0:55:15 > 0:55:17But I'm going to cast Mr Batman
0:55:17 > 0:55:19That's right, they say that it's too insane
0:55:19 > 0:55:23He can't play Happy Yes, he can, he's Bruce Wayne
0:55:23 > 0:55:25Last one, you know This one will be lovely
0:55:25 > 0:55:28The last character will play Mr Grumpy
0:55:28 > 0:55:30Yes, sir, yes, sir you've guessed
0:55:30 > 0:55:31Make some noise He'll be played by Shrek
0:55:31 > 0:55:34You know it's good You know it's a scene
0:55:34 > 0:55:37At least one character must be green
0:55:37 > 0:55:41- Can we make this movie?- Yes we can! - Can we make this movie?- Yes we can!
0:55:41 > 0:55:44- Can we make this movie?- Yes we can.
0:55:44 > 0:55:48Thank you very much, we're Aban-do-man.
0:55:48 > 0:55:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:53 > 0:55:55BREATHY NOTE
0:55:55 > 0:55:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:58 > 0:56:01Put your hands together one more time for James and Rob, Abandoman!
0:56:01 > 0:56:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:05 > 0:56:08That's all the funny business that we've got time for,
0:56:08 > 0:56:11so please would you thank the amazing cast?
0:56:11 > 0:56:16- Let's thank...- The Idiots of Ants. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Keep it going for Thankless Child.
0:56:22 > 0:56:25And the Penny Dreadfuls have been here.
0:56:28 > 0:56:32The Hornblower herself, Kelly-Anne Manhattan.
0:56:34 > 0:56:38Not forgetting this week's special guest, the amazing Steve Furst.
0:56:41 > 0:56:45That's all we've got time for, join us next week for more Funny Business.
0:56:45 > 0:56:47- Bye!- Bye!
0:56:50 > 0:56:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:56:53 > 0:56:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:57:10 > 0:57:14- You know what's weird? And don't say me.- Most of today?
0:57:14 > 0:57:17No, no. I really miss Dixie.
0:57:17 > 0:57:19- Really?- See, I never had a sister.
0:57:19 > 0:57:22And my brother, he was really funny about dressing up.
0:57:22 > 0:57:23Ain't that the truth.
0:57:24 > 0:57:28All right, look. Just wait here.
0:57:28 > 0:57:31Special treat.
0:57:31 > 0:57:32Just wait there
0:57:34 > 0:57:38- (HIGH-PITCHED) Look who's come to visit.- Who?
0:57:40 > 0:57:43Your long-lost sister. Dometta.
0:57:43 > 0:57:49- It's so lovely to see you. - It's lovely to see you too.
0:57:49 > 0:57:53(LOW-PITCHED) But it is for one day only, all right?
0:57:53 > 0:57:56- (HIGH) Fancy getting some fish and chips?- I would love to.
0:57:58 > 0:58:00Oh, shall we bring Dom?
0:58:00 > 0:58:03What is it about this that you don't get?