0:00:02 > 0:00:04Lights, camera, action.
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# We're Diddy Dick and Dom
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# And we're so excited
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# Our showbiz careers have been reignited
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# We've made it on to the silver screen
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# With our Diddy Movies
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# You're living the dream
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# We were down on our luck We were burnt-out stars
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Flipping burgers and washing cars
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# We waved goodbye to all our cares
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# Hello to Hollywood premieres
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# This time next year you'll be millionaires
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Go Diddy Movies
0:00:35 > 0:00:38# Yeah. #
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Ladies and gentlemen!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Another Diddy Movie premiere is about to begin.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48If you have a mobile phone, please can you order me a pizza?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Deep-pan cheese-o-rama.
0:00:50 > 0:00:56Tonight's feature presentation is the spine-chilling, Dracula!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Listen, all your last movies have cost me a fortune.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Why should I believe this one will be any different?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10But, Mr Weinsteinberger, we give you our word.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Well, OK.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yeah, here it is. Jigglebum. That's our word.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Quit kidding around, capisce?!
0:01:17 > 0:01:21OK, Larry. It's going to be a hit.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Dracula is going to be so scary,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27people are going to be quaking in their boots!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And quaking in their pants!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Piracy is killing the film industry.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Do not pirate this movie.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Do not film it, do not perform it, recite it, mention it,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47do not even think about it once you have left this theatre.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51If anyone asks you a question about this film,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54report them immediately to FATPAM,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58the Federation Against Telling People About Movies.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Telling people about movies is killing our business.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Pack it in!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08This is it! This is it!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- Ah!- Ha-ha!
0:02:10 > 0:02:15Diddy Movies present Dracula.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Look, it's us!
0:02:35 > 0:02:39And so, Miss Farridge, you see, henceforth, forthwith,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42in a manner of speaking, furthermore, in a sense,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45as I say, if one could imagine for a minute...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Yawn, yawn, yawn!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Professor Clarridge, you are the most boring man in the whole world?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Bor-ring!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Really? The most boring man in the world?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh, Miss Farridge, you do flatter me!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Will you, I mean, would you, could you...?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03What, what, what?!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Marry me?
0:03:07 > 0:03:08SHE SCREAMS
0:03:08 > 0:03:11HORSE WHINNIES
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Shall I take that as a yes?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Push off!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Wait, Miss Farridge!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Woo-ha-ha-ha-haa.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Woo-ha-ha-ha-haa.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Woo-ha-ha-ha-haa. Woo-ha-ha-ha-haa.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57He broke it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Good evening.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05My sweet potato! This could be dangerous.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08It is said that the Count who resides in there...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I am the 15th Count Dracula.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16And who are you?
0:04:16 > 0:04:22Oh, I am Miss Farridge, the most lush, fit lady in the world.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24And all the blokes agree, all right?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27And he's a dirty, old windbag.
0:04:27 > 0:04:35Hmm, I seeeeeeeeee...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Can we...?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39..eeeeeeee...
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Maybe...
0:04:40 > 0:04:44..eeeeeeee... Eee.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Look, can we stay in your house, or what?- Why, certainly.
0:04:51 > 0:04:57And if you're hungry, I could give you a bite!
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Oh, yeah, I'm starving! I hope you've got crisps!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Ladies first. - Wait! Miss Farridge!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Hello? I'm trying to sleep here!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39This is so anti-social. It's like...
0:05:41 > 0:05:4413 o'clock?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Hello?
0:05:51 > 0:05:56Argh!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05I thought it was a spider. It's only a bit of fluff.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Miss Farridge! I came right away, henceforth with haste!
0:06:17 > 0:06:24My lovely pumpkin, my noodle chops, my sweet...
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Hey, get off!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30What are you doing, you big, wet idiot?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36It's coming from over there.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41No, Miss Farridge, my little fluffy lamb, wait!
0:06:47 > 0:06:52Chillax, it's only the Count!
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Hiya, Count!
0:06:53 > 0:06:58Ahhhhh, you came. Come in.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You too, Professor, do not be shy!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I thought you might like a little midnight snack?
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Oh, crisps, brill, I love crisps!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I know.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25ORGAN PLAYS
0:07:30 > 0:07:32OPERATIC NOTE HELD
0:07:36 > 0:07:41Miss Farridge, I implore you!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Keep your wig on, I'll save you one.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I believe the Count is dangerous.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50He might be a...
0:07:52 > 0:07:57- Hey!- Do not be afraid, Miss Farridge.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I'm not afraid! I'm relieved.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03He was a right pain in the neck!
0:08:04 > 0:08:08And such a pretty neck!
0:08:22 > 0:08:28# Kiss, kiss me Say you miss, miss me... #
0:08:28 > 0:08:34I'm so glad you like my nibbles.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Perhaps, just one more!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Look, will you back off?! You're starting to freak me out!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44All that hissing and showing your teeth, it's well creepy.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48No!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I said no!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Ouch! Does anyone have any aspirin?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06All right, you asked for it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18# Hold me close to you
0:09:18 > 0:09:22# Hold me, see me through
0:09:22 > 0:09:26# With all your heart's affection...#
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Come to Daddy.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43THEY PLAY A TUNE
0:09:51 > 0:09:55# With me once again
0:09:55 > 0:10:02# Make my dreams come true. #
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Oh, shut your mouth.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Relax. In a moment, it will all be over.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Oh, please stop. It tickles.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Cut that out!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35What has he done to you? The monster!
0:10:36 > 0:10:42Oh! My sweet peach! My cookie dough!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44My wireless dongle!
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Get away from me! Oh, no!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Oh, what a lovely view.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Ow!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Argh!
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Miss Farridge, please!
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Ahem! Excuse me?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Do you mind? This is my section of guttering.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Help!
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Miss Farridge, stop! This isn't you!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58You're a lovely, sweet lady.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Help me!
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Save me and be my wife.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Have I missed anything?- Nah.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Argh!
0:12:30 > 0:12:34BLOWS A RASPBERRY TO THE TUNE OF "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Well, Larry? What did you think?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Burger and chips, please!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I'm not having that!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Where's my chips?! Thank you!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19It tastes disgusting but it's really fast!
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Oooh, this is it!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Welcome to my lair...I mean lab.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37I, Richter Von Cork, plan to take over the world.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I mean, research bottom medicine.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45Now, do you have any questions before I have you all killed...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I mean, before lunch?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Yes. Daily Diddy.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Is there any truth in the rumour that you are actually
0:13:52 > 0:13:54a crazed super-villian?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56You certainly look like one.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Why, you cheeky little... Well spotted, my friend.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04The reason that I look this way, is I have a rare condition.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08A rare condition, meaning that I have never pumped.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I have been filling up with gas since I was a baby.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14And still I have found no cure.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19Even my strongest laxative botty biscuits haven't worked.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I just keep getting bigger and still I cannot...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24HE BREAKS WIND
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Exactly. BREAKS WIND AGAIN
0:14:25 > 0:14:28OK, you've made your point. AND AGAIN
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Are you taking the mick?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32No, I'm trying not to follow through!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34HE BREAKS WIND AGAIN
0:14:34 > 0:14:36That was a close one.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39As you can see, I am no super-villain!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Everything that happens here is nice and evil...cuddly!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I've escaped!
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Take him back in the dungeon... I mean, happy room!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Sorry, just someone I've been bombarding with radiation for fun...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06important scientific research!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Now, gentlemen, follow me this way.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I'll introduce you to someone
0:15:11 > 0:15:14who I've been feeding cabbage to, for the last 10 years.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16You might want to hold your noses.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26HE WINCES
0:15:32 > 0:15:33HE BREAKS WIND
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Flipping biscuits!
0:15:42 > 0:15:46I feel different! I've been bitten by a radio-active man!
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Like Spiderman. Brilliant.
0:15:48 > 0:15:54- Shh!- Shh!- Shh!
0:15:59 > 0:16:05Now, I have the powers of a human being.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10I shall call myself, Human Man.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16Oh, better get a costume.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Our top story.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Buildings have been mysteriously collapsing across the country.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Police suspect...me -
0:16:26 > 0:16:29the Newsreader of Doom!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Wah-haa-haa!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Here's goes another one!
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Now the weather.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42It's raining and it's all my fault! Tee-hee-hee.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I might make it hail later! Wah-haa-haa!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Not so fast, Newsreader of Doom.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Oh, no! Caught!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53How will I ever survive your powers of...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Sorry, what were your powers again?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I am Human Man, man of man!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I can do anything a human can.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08So you're just a bloke in a leotard.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Oops. Looks like you're in spot of rubble. Wah-haa-haa!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Not more of you. Who are you two?
0:17:18 > 0:17:23We're Bapman and Sausage and you're in for a bap-wrap mustard-slap!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Look at her. She's like an out-of-work actor.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- How do you mean? - She's between ROLLS!
0:17:35 > 0:17:40OK, Human Man, lets take you back to superhero HQ and patch you up!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Superhero HQ! Wow.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You must tell no-one that secret location!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Ooh, you've done this place up smashing.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Thank you, dear.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01We've tried to combine modern with traditional.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- ALARM BUZZES - Ooh. What's that?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05That, my human-powered friend,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07means something evil is infecting the planet.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10And it's coming from just outside Leicester.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It's working!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26That was a smashing plate of beans, pickled eggs and onion bhaji's.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31I've opened all the windows, love. So, in your own time.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39That's odd.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Try giving it a poke.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50This has never happened before. I can't trump!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Human Man, Sausage, this is important.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16I need you both to guff for me, right now.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18That's easy.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I have the powers of a human being and they sure can honk.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Some can play tunes.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28THEY BREAK WIND TO THE TUNE OF "Jingle Bells"
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Not even a squeaker.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40What does this mean?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41It means...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43FANFARE PLAYS
0:19:43 > 0:19:44It means...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46FANFARE PLAYS
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Not yet, OK?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53It means someone has developed the world's most dangerous machine.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56A de-trumpifier! OK, now!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58FANFARE PLAYS
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Good evening. Our top story tonight.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06It's now been over a week since anyone on the planet let one off.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Even the Prime Minister has been affected.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10It is with great regret
0:20:10 > 0:20:14that for the first time since becoming Prime Minister,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I am unable to cut the cheese.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Now to other stories.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26In other news, a series of daring thefts have been committed
0:20:26 > 0:20:30by...me...the Newsreader of Doom!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33PHONE RINGS
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Excuse me.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40Hello. What? Someone's already got that name?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43What about the New Newsreader of Doom? The Evil Newsman?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45The Newsmeister?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47This is ridiculous. I'll call you back.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48More on that story later.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Professor Von Cork, the world needs your help.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54We need to relieve the pressure.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I need six billion of your laxative bottom biscuits,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01or else the world is going to go boom!
0:21:01 > 0:21:02No.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07- What do you mean, no? We need to stop the de-trumpifier!- Really?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10The de-trumpifier? Like this one?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- It's you!- Yes!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19The biscuits were just a cover-up. I like being a gas-bag!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23And now I will rule the world.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Not if I have anything to do with it.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I am Human Man.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44I possess all the powers of a human being!
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Feel the force of a human hand!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Let me know when you do it?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Feel the power of a human foot!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Nope.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Do you mind if I just use your phone?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Thanks.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Hello, this is Human Man.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- I need...- Surrender Von Cork!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16You're no match for my sausage power.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19We'll have you bap-wrapped and smothered in fried onions
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- before you can say, "Salmonella." Right, Bapman?- You said it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Really? What about bangers and mash?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32His only weakness.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Devilish! Not to fear, Sausage, for Bap Man is invincible!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Yes, what about toasted Bap Man?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46A toasting! I'm finished. It's up to you, Human Man.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50The fate of the world rests in your hands.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Then the world is finished. He has no powers to defeat me!
0:22:54 > 0:22:59What about the power of human finger?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Uh-oh.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08He's going to blow! Everybody out!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16HE BREAKS WIND
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Ah, the worst is over now.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Good evening. This is the news with me, Dr Newsmonster.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Seriously, that's all they had left.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32There were celebrations across the globe today
0:23:32 > 0:23:34as the de-trumpifier was destroyed
0:23:34 > 0:23:36and normal trouser service was resumed.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Human Man, the nation owes you a...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41HE BREAKS WIND Oh, that's better!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44..a debt of gratitude that can never be...
0:23:44 > 0:23:45HE BREAKS WIND AGAIN
0:23:45 > 0:23:47More tea Archbishop!
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Man, that reeks! I'll come back and get it later!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Probably best.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56But before I go, I must say this.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Wherever there is injustice?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Wherever there is...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04HE BREAKS WIND There goes the state banquet.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Actually, you know what, forget the big speech.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08You know where to find me.
0:24:18 > 0:24:24Well, Larry? What did you think?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34What about you lot? What did you think?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I can't believe I've just seen that.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Unbelievable!- Unbelievable!
0:25:04 > 0:25:08That was the worst movie I have ever seen! I'm ruined!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11But, Larry, we've got a new idea for a film!
0:25:11 > 0:25:17Yes, it's called Goatbusters!
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Every sheep is going to want to see it!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24That's a lot of sheep! I love it! Here's the money!