0:15:50 > 0:15:57.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Lights, camera, action!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# We're Diddy Dick and Dom
0:16:05 > 0:16:07# And we're so excited
0:16:07 > 0:16:11# Our showbiz careers have been reignited
0:16:11 > 0:16:14# We've made it onto the silver screen
0:16:14 > 0:16:17# With our Diddy Movies (You're living the dream)
0:16:17 > 0:16:18# We were down on our luck
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# We were burnt out stars
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# Flipping burgers and washing cars
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# We waved goodbye to all our cares
0:16:26 > 0:16:30# Hello to Hollywood premieres
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# This time next year you'll be millionaires
0:16:33 > 0:16:35# Go, Diddy Movies!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36# Yeah! #
0:16:38 > 0:16:43Hello. I'm Quentin Hitchcliff, legendary film critic,
0:16:43 > 0:16:47and I've interviewed some of the greatest names in cinematic history.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Yet despite this, I've been asked today
0:16:50 > 0:16:54to discuss the work of Diddy Dick and Dom.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"Hugely talented", "cinematic giants",
0:16:57 > 0:16:59"larger-than-life superstars".
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Just some of the things that have never been said
0:17:02 > 0:17:05about this pair of tinseltown terrors.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Persons of a nervous disposition should put their head in a bag,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13because we, Rowntree and Bilge, bring to you
0:17:13 > 0:17:18what will surely be known as the eighth wonder of the world.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20AUDIENCE GASP
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Wee-wee gas.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Bum chutney.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Fart-o-rama.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Oh, turkey!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36DRUM ROLL
0:17:36 > 0:17:40No-one enters the kingdom of the Black Knight and survives!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Prepare to meet a slow, gruesome, medieval death!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45We should be calm...
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Oh.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Come on, fight me, you wimps!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Oh, well, we can't, because... No, please, no!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Aaaah!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01The tea boy!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Just as I predicted.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09HE FARTS
0:18:09 > 0:18:10He's been minned!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12HE FARTS
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Gentlemen, thank you for talking to me today.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17An honour and a privet hedge.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Is this going to be long? We're in the middle of a movie!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25The History Of The Universe, one of the biggest movies ever,
0:18:25 > 0:18:26shot on location, in space.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29But this is a special, devoted to your lives' work.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Oh, well, in that case, take your time, luvvie!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35- Lovely.- Luvvie!
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Yes. Well, let's now examine your work in more detail.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44One of your most controversial films to date is Dracula.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Draculaaaaaaaaaa!
0:18:46 > 0:18:47That's what I said.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51No, you said Dracula. It's Draculaaaaaaaaaa.
0:18:51 > 0:18:58In fact, the original title was Draculaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:18:58 > 0:19:05..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:19:05 > 0:19:12..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:19:12 > 0:19:19..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:19:19 > 0:19:23..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25That's incre...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27..Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- Thank you.- Aaaa!- Aaaa!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Let's now look at that film,
0:19:37 > 0:19:43Draculaaaaaaaaaaa!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47..Aaaaaaaaaa!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50..Aa!
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Aaaaaah!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- HORSE NEIGHS - Aaaaah!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Aah! Oooh! Aah!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Oh!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11So, I take that as a yes, then?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Push off!
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Oh, what a lovely view! I can see my hou...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Bzzzzzzzzzz!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Bzzzzzzzzzzzz!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Bzzzzzzzzzz!
0:20:33 > 0:20:38Now, you make your films together. How do you share the workload?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I do writing, directing, producing,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43make up, wardrobe, lighting, camerawork...
0:20:43 > 0:20:48I am Executive Beverage and Light Refreshment Producer.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Can I have two sugars and a plate of Garibaldis?
0:20:51 > 0:20:56He won't be long, because he can't move. Best tea boy in the business.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Well, let's have another clip while we wait.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03To learn kung boo, you must master the art of the unpredictable!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06BELLS RING
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Aaaaaah!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10HORN
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Please, can we just...
0:21:11 > 0:21:14You must catch your opponent unawares.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Zzzzzzz!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27How about these?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Zzzzzzzz!
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Bwark! Bwark! Bwark!
0:21:32 > 0:21:34No! How's that helping?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Human Man, the nation owes you a...
0:21:37 > 0:21:38HE FARTS
0:21:38 > 0:21:42That's better! ..a debt that can never...
0:21:42 > 0:21:43HE FARTS
0:21:43 > 0:21:45More tea, Archbishop?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Oh, man! That reeks! I'll get it later, all right?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Probably best.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Tell me about your work in front of the camera.
0:21:52 > 0:21:59Diddy Dick is, without doubt, one of the finest actors I've ever seen.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03No, no, no, luvvie. The camera simply loves Diddy Dom.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09Well, I doth protest! When you act, the sun shines!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Well, when you act, the trees fill with blossom!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Well, when you act, a thousand angels sigh,
0:22:19 > 0:22:24creating a heavenly wind that lifts our cassocks!
0:22:25 > 0:22:30Well, when you act, tiny woodland creatures tremble in adoration,
0:22:30 > 0:22:34and sing a song of love so that they bring joy to the world!
0:22:36 > 0:22:37- Really?- No.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42I think you've proved you're about as good as each other.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Let's see you in action.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Horatio.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Horatio!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Horatio, come here!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Oh, Horatio!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04No!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Oh, it's you.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Goodbye, friend!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Goodbye!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Wait! What's that?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It's literally raining cats and dogs!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's can't be!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Butch?- Twinkle!
0:23:20 > 0:23:21BOTH: We're saved!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25And so, the young novice had agreed to fight the most fearsome
0:23:25 > 0:23:28kung boo warrior in the whole of China.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32In just three days' time.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Ha! What a total beansprout!
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Truly awful.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I mean, truly awesome!
0:23:41 > 0:23:46Now, many of your movies contain action sequences
0:23:46 > 0:23:49and special effects. Do you do your own stunts?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Aaaaah!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Yes.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Oh!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59He shot us!
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I can't believe he shot us!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Oh! He shot us again!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10That is not fair!
0:24:10 > 0:24:11BOTH: Aaaah!
0:24:13 > 0:24:14BOTH: Aaaah!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- RADIO:- All units! The runaway train came down the track,
0:24:18 > 0:24:19and she blew, she blew!
0:24:21 > 0:24:22BOTH: Aaaah!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30BOTH: Aaaah!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Ah!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Ha!
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Ha-ha-ha!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Aaaah!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Big boulder nipple yanky surprise!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Seatbelt on, please, madam.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Seat backs upright, sir.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03You'll have to put that fridge in the locker.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Oh, assume brace position, please, sir.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Thank you.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13THUNDERCLAP BOTH: Aaaah!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15That must have cost a lot of money.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18You must have a very generous, understanding,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and handsome backer to support you.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Oh, we never discuss money, dear. It's so vulgar!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28We have a grubby little man that deals with all that for us.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Grubby little man! Grubby little man! Why...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Oh, look! What a coincidence!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Our grubby little man is a sausage muncher, too.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42And he sweats a lot.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Yes, well, it's time for another distraction. I mean, clip!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51And what better way to change the subject than with a song.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55# There's no-one quite like Brad
0:25:55 > 0:25:59# There's no-one quite like Brad. #
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Oh, Brad!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# We glide
0:26:06 > 0:26:09# Far below the rolling tide
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# Serene
0:26:14 > 0:26:18# Through the bubbly blue and green
0:26:18 > 0:26:20# It's lovely. #
0:26:20 > 0:26:21# Eat your friends, eat your friends
0:26:21 > 0:26:24# When you're at your wits' end
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# When they drive you round the bend
0:26:27 > 0:26:28# Eat your friends
0:26:28 > 0:26:31# Steam 'em, boil 'em
0:26:31 > 0:26:33# Make a kebab
0:26:33 > 0:26:35# Chew 'em, fry them
0:26:35 > 0:26:37# Crack them like a crab! #
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# Prom night
0:26:39 > 0:26:40# Prom night
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# Prawn night
0:26:42 > 0:26:43# No, prom night
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# Prom night
0:26:47 > 0:26:51# Prom night
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# Prom night! #
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Quentin.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Quentin!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- Quentin!- Oh!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Oh, is it over?
0:27:03 > 0:27:09Now it's time to talk about your cheapest work.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- I mean, your best work. - How can you possibly narrow it down?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Yes. You see, each Diddy movie is like a newborn baby to us.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Difficult to deliver, impossible to understand,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22and always needs changing.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25No! Special, enchanting, and full of life.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27No, I'm not talking about your movies,
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I'm talking about your Diddy adverts.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Ed's Fast Food on the High Street!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Burger and chips, please.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I'm not having that!
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Where's me chips?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Oh! Thank you!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Tastes disgusting, but it's really fast!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51You need Baby-let-one-off!
0:27:51 > 0:27:54She laughs, she cries.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- BABY FARTS - She farts like a foghorn!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Pump her arm, and she'll pump out a tune!
0:28:00 > 0:28:04BABY FARTS: "Land Of Hope And Glory"
0:28:04 > 0:28:07But whatever you do, don't pull her finger!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09That was entertaining.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Far better than that movie rubbish, and much cheaper.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Now, steady on, Quentin!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I don't think this is Quentin at all.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23The sausage, the sweating, all that talk of money.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25It can only be...
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Yeah, Larry Weinsteinburger! It was me all along.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33But why, Larry?
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Because I'm sick of paying for your lame-brained ideas!
0:28:36 > 0:28:39None of them are any good, and they cost me millions.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Now the latest, The History of The Universe,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45shot entirely in space!
0:28:45 > 0:28:47The costs are out of this world!
0:28:47 > 0:28:51So, I thought I'd distract you with your favourite subject.
0:28:51 > 0:28:52BOTH: Us.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56Exactly. So, while I get the crew to close the set...
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I'm axing the film, and I'm axing you,
0:29:00 > 0:29:05and I never want to hear another of your ideas again! Capiche?
0:29:05 > 0:29:07It's a real shame, Larry.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09We've saved our best idea till last.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Really?
0:29:11 > 0:29:16You see, we play two brilliant, but misunderstood movie stars.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Don't forget handsome!
0:29:17 > 0:29:22We play two brilliant, handsome, but misunderstood movie stars,
0:29:22 > 0:29:26who have to try and outwit their mean and devious boss.
0:29:26 > 0:29:27Don't forget hideously ugly!
0:29:27 > 0:29:32Outwit their mean, devious and hideously ugly boss into backing
0:29:32 > 0:29:35their ideas, and handing over lots of cash.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39- VOICEOVER:- That is the most hopeless, useless, fatuous,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42specious, numb-bummed idea I ever...
0:29:42 > 0:29:44I love it!
0:29:44 > 0:29:46BOTH: Aaaaah!
0:29:47 > 0:29:48Here's the money!
0:29:48 > 0:29:52# Go Diddy Movies, yeah! #