0:16:02 > 0:16:03Lights, camera, action!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# We're Diddy Dick and Dom
0:16:05 > 0:16:07# And we're so excited
0:16:07 > 0:16:11# Our showbiz careers have been reignited
0:16:11 > 0:16:13# We've made it on to the silver screen
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- # With our Diddy Movies - You're living the dream
0:16:17 > 0:16:18# We were down on our luck
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# We were burnt-out stars
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# Flipping burgers and washing cars
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# We waved goodbye to all our cares
0:16:26 > 0:16:30# Hello to Hollywood premieres
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# This time next year you'll be millionaires
0:16:33 > 0:16:35# Go Diddy Movies
0:16:35 > 0:16:36# Yeah. #
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It's Friday night! It's seven...
0:16:41 > 0:16:45It's half past six, it's quarter to four, flipping watch!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49You join us at the premiere of another Diddy Movie!
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Tonight, monster mayhem in The Beast Of Black Island!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Warning - Not suitable for miners.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Excuse me, sorry.- Hey, Larry!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02What happened to your faces?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Oh, we've been filming in Hawaii, luvvie!- Luvvie!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Luvvie. We've been catching some rays,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11and finishing the movie. Did we finish it?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15- Shall I apply the sunscreen, sweetie?- In your own time, luv.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Right, let's roll this thing! And it'd better be hot!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Like my sausage!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25It's starting. It's starting!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Diddy Movies presents...
0:17:29 > 0:17:33The Beast Of Black Island.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Pull the main line! Climb the rigging!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Make me a blancmange!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50# Dummy, dummy, dummy, dum um Dummy, dum, dum dum
0:17:50 > 0:17:55# Dummy, dummy, dummy, dum um Dummy, dum, dum dum...#
0:17:55 > 0:17:58CRASHING POTS AND PANS
0:17:58 > 0:18:03You know, it's not easy being Sir Ranulph Roundtree,
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- the greatest explorer in the world. - You? Pah!
0:18:07 > 0:18:12I, Captain Horatio Bilge, am the world's greatest explorer.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I discovered the lost dodo of Devon...
0:18:15 > 0:18:16SQUAWK AND GUNSHOT
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- ..and I ate it. - HE BURPS
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I discovered the mythical mongeese of Methusala...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- SQUAWK AND GUNSHOT - ..and I ate it.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25HE BURPS
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Well, I discovered the elusive kitten of Kiri-te-kiwijuice...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31MACHINE GUN FIRE
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Hang on. I thought that was extinct? - It is now! Delicious!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36IT BREAKS WIND
0:18:36 > 0:18:38THEY SCREAM
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Oh, cobblers.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52I will discover the greatest discovery ever discovered,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Since discovering the Discovery Channel.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59For I, Sir Ranulph Roundtree, will capture...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02the Beast of Black Island.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06ALL: Ooh!
0:19:06 > 0:19:12Piffle! I, Horatio Bilge, will capture the Beast of Black Island.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Abandon ship! There's a d-d-d-d-d-d...
0:19:21 > 0:19:22DUCK!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25THEY SCREAM
0:19:46 > 0:19:48# Bobbing along
0:19:48 > 0:19:53# Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea
0:19:54 > 0:19:58# What a chance to get a better peep
0:19:58 > 0:20:02# At the plants and creatures of the deep
0:20:02 > 0:20:05# We glide
0:20:05 > 0:20:10# Far below the rolling tide
0:20:10 > 0:20:13# Serene
0:20:13 > 0:20:17# Through the bubbly blue and green
0:20:17 > 0:20:20# It's lovely, bobbing along
0:20:20 > 0:20:22# Singing a song
0:20:22 > 0:20:26# On the bottom of the beautiful briny
0:20:26 > 0:20:28# Shimmering shiny
0:20:28 > 0:20:31# Beautiful briny sea. #
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Horatio? Horatio?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Horatio, come here now!
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Horatio!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50No!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- Oh, it's you!- It is!
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Yay. You're alive! Now, don't go off again!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02But I am an h-explorer.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04From now on, we h-explore, together.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08All right, then, h-explore this!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Why don't you h-explore this!
0:21:11 > 0:21:12H-explore that!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18PAN PIPES PLAY
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Will you stop that?!
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Thank you.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32NATIVES TALK LOUDLY
0:21:32 > 0:21:37I think he's a native. Let me do this.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41I am fluent in over four million languages, including goat.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46HE ATTEMPTS TO CONVERSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:47SHE TALKS BACK
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I think she said "Jungle flaps."
0:21:51 > 0:21:55SHE COUGHS AND SNEEZES
0:21:55 > 0:22:00Sorry, I was just clearing my throat. Welcome, travellers.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01This is my island.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Oh! Seems very nice.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09'180!'
0:22:14 > 0:22:18State your purpose. What have you come here for to Black Island?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20This is Black Island?
0:22:20 > 0:22:27Wait, wait, wait. If this is Black Island, then that must be...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- What?- ..the beast!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32CREATURE ROARS
0:22:32 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Will you stop laughing?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39It's supposed to be scary!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Quickly, we must leave.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I'm not going anywhere, luv. This is my greatest discovery yet.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52No, no, no. This is MY greatest discovery.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53- Shall we share it?- OK.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Beastie! Oh, beastie! - Please, I beg you!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59The beast is sacred to the island.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01If you disturb it, terrible things will happen.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Whatever.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07Precious one, forgive us for what we have done.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Friends?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14CREATURE ROARS AND SHE SCREAMS
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Hooray!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Quick, it's getting away!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I can see me mam's house!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49SHE SCREAMS
0:23:50 > 0:23:52'Roger, stand by, one.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55'Wait a second. Houston, we have a...'
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Tell me, what's happening?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- I think it's still hungry! - You can't eat us.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- I'm your dad!- What?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Dad.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15And I'm your mum!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Mum.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19This is incredible!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Incredible.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- Amazing!- Amazing.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29We can make him say anything we want him to.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Bum!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Bum!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35HE LAUGHS
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Wait, wait. Egg trump!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Egg trump.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Cacky pants, potty pipes,
0:24:47 > 0:24:51fairy hammock, chuff nuts...
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Oh, this is the happiest day of my life!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I'd pay good money to see this.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Wait a minute! That's it!
0:25:00 > 0:25:05We'll take this show on the road! We can make a fortune!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Oh, yes, luvvie!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10He could be one of the biggest comedy sensations
0:25:10 > 0:25:12this world's ever seen!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Right, you big fat pink pom-pom,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19we're gonna make you a star!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:30My lords, ladies, gentlemen, ma'am.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35What you are about to witness will change the course of history
0:25:35 > 0:25:38and bring you to question the very nature of existence.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Persons of a nervous disposition should put their heads in a bag,
0:25:43 > 0:25:47because we, Roundtree and Bilge, bring to you
0:25:47 > 0:25:51what will surely be known as the eighth wonder of the world!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54AUDIENCE GASPS
0:25:56 > 0:26:03Wee-wee gas, bum chutney, fartarama.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05APPLAUSE
0:26:08 > 0:26:10My guest this evening has, over the last few days,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12risen to the top of the show business ladder.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15His unique brand of biting wit
0:26:15 > 0:26:18and satire has redefined the comedy landscape.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21So, Big Pink Monster, what would you say
0:26:21 > 0:26:24was the secret to your extraordinary success?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Hairy onion poo pants.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Yes, we can fit him in at ten o'clock on Tuesday,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40that'll be £10,000 and a Creme Egg.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Chapter three -
0:26:44 > 0:26:48splatty burp juice, poo pate,
0:26:48 > 0:26:53sweaty booby, whiffy smears.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Two long months later.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01What are we going to do? We haven't taken any bookings for him in ages.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03No-one's interested any more!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I know, luvvie, it's ever since those
0:27:05 > 0:27:08street dancing worms have come on the scene.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11What are we going to tell him?
0:27:11 > 0:27:13PHONE RINGS
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Hello. Roundtree and Bilge,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24International Big Pink Naughty Monster Agency.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Hmm.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31No, I do not want to change my electricity supplier.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Goodbye.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36MONSTER ROARS
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Wait. We're still waiting to hear about panto in Stoke-on-Trent!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45THEY SCREAM
0:27:45 > 0:27:47What the...?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Oh, phew! It was just a dream.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Must have been all those coconuts we ate.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54You know, for a moment,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I thought we were going to be eaten by the Beast of...
0:27:57 > 0:28:00BEAST ROARS
0:28:00 > 0:28:02THEY SCREAM
0:28:02 > 0:28:05What the...?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Oh, phew! It was just a dream.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Must have been all that roasted weasel we ate.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13There was no storm.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15We didn't even go to Black Island!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Sorry, old chum.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21But if we keep searching, maybe one day we might find the...
0:28:21 > 0:28:23CREATURE ROARS
0:28:23 > 0:28:24THEY SCREAM
0:28:24 > 0:28:26What the...?
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Oh, phew! It was just a dream.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Must have been all that gerbil cheese we ate.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34So, we did never go on a ship?
0:28:34 > 0:28:37And we never did find the beast.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41But, Horatio, we must keep exploring.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43For I believe it exists.
0:28:43 > 0:28:48And one day, we'll capture the Beast Of Black Island!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Well, Larry, What did you think?
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Larry?
0:29:09 > 0:29:12What about you lot? What did YOU think?
0:29:19 > 0:29:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:29 > 0:29:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE STOPS
0:29:31 > 0:29:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE RESUMES
0:29:34 > 0:29:36I cannot believe I have just...
0:29:36 > 0:29:38- Unbelievable! - Oh, this is one for the ages!
0:29:38 > 0:29:41SHE SCREAMS
0:29:43 > 0:29:46I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!
0:29:46 > 0:29:51But Larry, we've got another idea for a film.
0:29:51 > 0:29:56And this one's got...badgers!
0:29:56 > 0:30:00'In 25 years as a movie producer
0:30:00 > 0:30:05'I've never met two such cockamamie, snake-bit...'
0:30:05 > 0:30:08I love it! Here's the money!
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd