0:00:02 > 0:00:04Lights, camera, action!
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# We're Diddy Dick and Dom
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# And we're so excited
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# Our showbiz careers have been reignited
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# We've made it on to the silver screen
0:00:13 > 0:00:17- # With our Diddy Movies - You're living the dream
0:00:17 > 0:00:18# We were down on our luck
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# We were burnt out stars
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Flipping burgers and washing cars
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# We waved goodbye to all our cares
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# Hello to Hollywood premieres
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# This time next year you'll be millionaires
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Go Diddy Movies
0:00:35 > 0:00:36# Yeah. #
0:00:38 > 0:00:44'Ladies and gentlemen! Another Diddy Movie premiere is about to begin.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47'If you have a mobile phone, please can you...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50'order me a pizza? Deep-pan cheese-o-rama.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54'Tonight's feature presentation is the spine-chilling
0:00:54 > 0:00:59- 'Draculaaa!' - EVIL LAUGH
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Listen. All of you guys' last movies have cost me a fortune.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Why should this one be any different?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10But Mr Weinsteinberger, we give you our word!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Well...OK.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Yeah. Look. Here it is.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16See? Jigglebum. That's our word.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Quit kidding around, capisce?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21OK, Larry. Look, it's going to be a hit!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Draculaaa is going to be so scary,
0:01:24 > 0:01:27people will be quaking in their boots!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- And quacking in their pants. - HE CHUCKLES
0:01:33 > 0:01:36'Piracy is killing the film industry.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39'Do not pirate this movie.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40'Do not film it.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44'Do not perform it, recite it, mention it.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48'Do not even think about it once you have left this theatre.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52'If anyone asks you a question about this film,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55'report them immediately to FATPAM...'
0:01:57 > 0:02:01'Telling people about movies is killing our business.'
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Nanny state.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh! Oh! This is it! This is it!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Ooh.- Ah!
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Ha-ha!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13'Diddy Movies present...
0:02:13 > 0:02:18'Draculaaa!'
0:02:18 > 0:02:19GUNSHOT
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Run!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25SQUEAKING
0:02:25 > 0:02:27HORSE WHINNIES
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Look! It's us!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oi!
0:02:35 > 0:02:39And so, Miss Farridge, you see, henceforth, forthwith,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42in a manner of speaking, furthermore, in a sense,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45as I say, if you could imagine for a minute....
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Yawn, yawn, yawn!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Professor Claridge, you are the most boring man in the whole world!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Bor-ing! - GLASS SMASHES
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Really? The most boring man in the world?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh, Miss Farridge, you do flatter me!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Will you... I mean, would you, could you for a minute...?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03What, what, what?!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Marry me?
0:03:07 > 0:03:08ARGHHHHH!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11WHINNYING
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Ooh! Ah! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Ooh! Ooh!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Oh!- Oh. Ah.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28So I, er... I take that as a yes, then?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Push off!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- THUNDERCLAP - Ohhh!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Wait! Miss Farridge! You can't go!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oh!
0:03:45 > 0:03:46DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- DOORBELL:- Woo-ha-ha-ha-ha! - Ooh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- DOORBELL:- Woo-ha... Woo-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Oh-oww!- Oh. - SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:03:56 > 0:03:57He broke it.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Good eveni-i-i-i-ing.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06Miss Farridge! Sweet potato! What are you doing? This could be dangerous.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09It is said that the count that resides...
0:04:09 > 0:04:13I am the 15th Count Draculaaa.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16And who are you?
0:04:16 > 0:04:22Oh! I am Miss Farridge - the most lush, fit lady in the whole world.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- MAN'S VOICE:- And all the blokes agree, all right?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Oh. And he is a dirty old windbag.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32Hmm, I see-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...
0:04:32 > 0:04:35e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Um, can we, er...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39..e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...
0:04:39 > 0:04:40..maybe, um...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43..eee-hee-hee-hee-hee-eee-eee.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45- Can we, er...- Eee.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Hm! Look! Can we stay in your house or what?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Why, certainly. And if you are hungry,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I could give you a... bite!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Ooh. Yeah.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04That'd be nice. I'm starving! I hope you've got crisps.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Ladies first.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07No! No, wait! Miss Farridge!
0:05:11 > 0:05:12GULP!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC STARTS UP
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Hello?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I'm trying to sleep in here!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39This is so antisocial. It's like...
0:05:41 > 0:05:4213 o'clock?!
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Hello?
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Ooh.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56' ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH...'
0:05:56 > 0:05:59ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Oh.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Thought it was a spider. It's only a bit of fluff.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07AUDIENCE SIGHS
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Miss Farridge!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I came right away, henceforth, with haste.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Oh, my love-e-ly, pum-a-kin.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22My... My noodly-chop.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24My sweet pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Ere, geroff!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Mmm... Ow!- What are you doing, you big, fat, wet idiot?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Hello?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36It's coming from over there.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Look.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42No! Miss Farridge! My little fluffy lamb! Wait!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Chillax! It's only the count.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Hiya, Count!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Ahh! You came.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Come in.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You too, professor. Do not be shy!
0:07:08 > 0:07:14Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! I thought you might like a little midnight snack.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Ooh, crisps! Brill - I love crisps!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I know.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27HE PLAYS "The Final Countdown" by Europe
0:07:30 > 0:07:36# Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! #
0:07:36 > 0:07:40No, no! Miss Farridge, I implore you!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Look, just keep your wig on! I'll save you one.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48No! It is to be believed that the Count is dangerous.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- He might be a... Argh!- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Hey!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Do not be afra-a-aid, Miss Farridge.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Oh - no, no, no. I'm not afra-a-aid.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03No, I'm relieved. He's a pain in the neck!
0:08:03 > 0:08:08Ahhh! And such a pretty neck!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24# Kiss, kiss me
0:08:24 > 0:08:28# Say you miss, miss me... #
0:08:28 > 0:08:33I'm so glad that you like my little nibbles.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Perhaps...just one more.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Ahh...
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Will you just back off? You're starting to freak me out.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44All that hissing and showing your teeth. It's well creepy.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46HE HISSES
0:08:46 > 0:08:48No!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Aaaaaaah!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I said no!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Ooh!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Ouch! Has anybody got any aspirin?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Waaaaaah!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Right! You asked for it!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Ugh!- Ooh! Ooooh!
0:09:12 > 0:09:13CRASH
0:09:13 > 0:09:18# Hold, hold me close to you
0:09:18 > 0:09:21# Hold me, see me through
0:09:21 > 0:09:26# With all your heart's protection... #
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Ooh!- Wah-ha-ha!- Ooh!- Wah-ha-ha!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Come on, baby! Wah-ha-ha! Come to Daddy!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Oh! Ohhh!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38ORGAN PLAYS NOTES
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Ooh!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42THEY PLAY "Chopsticks"
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Ahhh!- Arghhhhh!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54BOTH: # Kiss me once again
0:09:54 > 0:10:02# Make my dreams come true-oo-oo! #
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Oh, shut your mouth!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Relaaax. In a moment, it will all be over.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- BLOWS RASPBERRY - Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Please stop!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23It tickles! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25DICK BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Hey! Cut that out!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35What has he done to you? The monster!
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Oh! My sweet peach!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh! My cookie dough!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44My wireless dongle!
0:10:44 > 0:10:45My...
0:10:49 > 0:10:53BLOWS RASPBERRY Argh! Get away from me! Argh!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56No, no, no! Argh!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59No, no! Argh! Argh!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Oh, dear. My...
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Oh! What a lovely view!
0:11:14 > 0:11:15That looks...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:11:22 > 0:11:25BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Aaaaargh!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Heeeeelp!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Miss Farridge, please!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Ahem! Excuse me!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Do you mind? This is MY section of guttering.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Aaaaargh!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Miss Farridge, stop!
0:11:53 > 0:11:57This isn't you! You're a lovely, lovely, sweet, sweet lady.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Help me!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01BLOWS RASPBERRY Save me.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Be my wife.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Sorry. Excuse me.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Have I missed anything? - ALL: Naaah.- Oh.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:12:23 > 0:12:26AAARRRGGGHHHH!
0:12:26 > 0:12:30THEY PLAY "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- TO THE MELODY OF THE SONG: - # Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38# Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41# Pth-pth-pth-pth! Pth-pth-pth-pth!
0:12:41 > 0:12:46ALL: # Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth! #
0:12:46 > 0:12:49SILENCE
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Well, Larry? What did you think?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06What about you lot? What did YOU think?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT IN RAGE
0:13:17 > 0:13:19POLICE SIREN WAILS
0:13:21 > 0:13:23SILENCE
0:13:23 > 0:13:26SCREAMING AND SHOUTING CONTINUES
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I cannot believe I have just sat through that.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Unbelievable. Outrageous!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34AAARRRGGGHHH!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Actually, Mr Weinsteinberger...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42we've had a new idea for a film...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44And this one has... HE CLEARS THROAT
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- Cardboard soldiers!- Yes!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52'# Dick or Dom? Dick or Dom?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55'# Who is the most stupid one? #
0:13:55 > 0:13:58'It's Dick! No, it's Dom!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01'Here it comes, boys. I hope you're ready.'
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I love it! Here's the money!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06DICK AND DOM CHEER
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd