0:15:50 > 0:15:57.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Lights, camera, action.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# We're Diddy Dick and Dom
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# And we're so excited
0:16:08 > 0:16:11# Our showbiz careers have been reignited
0:16:11 > 0:16:14# We've made it on to the silver screen
0:16:14 > 0:16:17# With our Diddy Movies (You're living the dream)
0:16:17 > 0:16:18# We were down on our luck
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# We were burnt out stars
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# Flipping burgers and washing cars
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# We waved goodbye to all our cares
0:16:26 > 0:16:30# Hello to Hollywood premieres
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# This time next year you'll be millionaires
0:16:33 > 0:16:35# Go Diddy Movies
0:16:35 > 0:16:38# Yeah. #
0:16:38 > 0:16:43Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere!
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Please take your seats...from the shed and give them a wipe down.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Tonight's movie is the mysterious whodunit,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Murder On The Norwich Express.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54SCREAMING
0:16:54 > 0:16:59Excuse me. I just sat on my sandwich.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Don't worry, Larry,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- this time, we've listened to your advice.- Really?
0:17:03 > 0:17:08You said whatever we do, we must make this movie rude.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12No! I said good. Make this movie good!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- Should we cut the farting foxes then? - No, that's the best bit.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Oh, look!
0:17:17 > 0:17:21'The following advert is an advert.'
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Fudge. Fudge.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Fudge. Fudge.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Fudge.
0:17:39 > 0:17:45Fuuuudge. Fudge!
0:17:45 > 0:17:50Not fudge. Fudge. Available now from this theatre.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58- Oh, this is it! Break a leg!, luvvie.- Really?- Yep!
0:17:58 > 0:18:04Aargh! Agh! Ow! Ah! Done it.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10'Diddy Movies presents Murder On The Norwich Express.'
0:18:18 > 0:18:23'Greetings. I am Francois Le Fondue.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27'The great French detective. The greatest detective in the world.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30'No, the greatest detective in the whole universe.'
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Yes, I am pretty amazing.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36'Yes, you are. Mwah! Mwah!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39'It was early morning in London
0:18:39 > 0:18:42and after concluding a brilliant investigation
0:18:42 > 0:18:46into the curse of the Queen's armpit, I was off to take a rest.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48HE SCREAMS
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Higgins, you pig!- Yes. Sorry.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55You call that an accent?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59I'm actually half French. See?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Higgins! You imbecile!
0:19:03 > 0:19:07You nearly hurt this massive detective brain!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10The brain that solved the case of the missing walnut.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- I solved the case of the missing walnut.- Did not.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- I found it under the sofa!- Silence! - Yes, yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19You will never match the brilliance of Fondue!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21'All aboard!'
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Er, Mr Fondue?- Say you're sorry.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Sorry.- Like you mean it.- Sorry!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Still don't believe you.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Sorry, sorry, sorry!
0:19:38 > 0:19:43- Please?!- OK, fine.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49And so we were off, the Norwich Express taking us
0:19:49 > 0:19:55far, far away, to give me and my massive brain
0:19:55 > 0:19:57a well-earned holiday.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Can I take your order, please?
0:20:01 > 0:20:07So, are you sure there won't be some kind of terrible murder mystery?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Don't be so stupid, Higgins!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I would know if there was going to be a crime.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I am a great detective.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21And I detect that nothing is about to...
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Like I said. Nothing is about to...
0:20:27 > 0:20:32Agh! The tea boy!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Hmm. Just as I predicted.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- He's been... Mooned!- Mooned?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Yes, that's what I said. Mooned.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Alert the authorities.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48There is a mooner on board this train.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52And I, Francios Le Fondue, will find out...who done it!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Oh, isn't he cute?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00We were in that tunnel for several seconds.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- Anyone on board this train could be the mooner.- Mooner?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Mooner. It could be...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08The bitter business man.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13Blah, blah, blah, blabber, blabber, blabber. Eat my face!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16The crazy chocolatier.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Chocolat, chocolat, honk-he, honk-he-haw.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27But by my powers of detection,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31I am pretty sure that it is the goofy granny!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Hello, dear.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- No. It can't be her. She's all lovely and that.- Shut up!
0:21:38 > 0:21:45I am the detective and I'm pretty sure that she is proper shifty.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48GRANNY SCREAMS
0:21:48 > 0:21:50THEY SCREAM
0:21:50 > 0:21:53We searched the entire train, but nothing.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57The mysterious mooner was still at large.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Maybe extra large.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06'This train is reversing. This train is reversing.'
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- The only one place we haven't tried is la lavatoire.- Yes, yes.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Eugh!- I quite like it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Let's sweep for clues.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- I like sweeping, sweeping for clues! - Me too!
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Sweeping there, sweeping the bottom. Nothing.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- Let's dust for prints. - I like dusting for prints!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Me too! Dusting here. Dusting there. Nothing.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Did you find any prints? - Yes! This prince!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I bring important news from the rotten state of Denmark.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I don't like that prince.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Look, a clue! Crisps.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00'Finally, I was on the trail of the mooner.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- 'What about me?- Will you shut up?!'
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Look, I found a yoghurt pot!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11No! I found a yoghurt pot!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14SMASH!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Look, I found a pink tutu.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22No, I found the pink tutu!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24SMASH!
0:23:24 > 0:23:30Look, I found some old underpants!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Yes, you did.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34SMASH!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Stop right there!
0:23:37 > 0:23:41He must be the mooner! Get him!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Good evening, madams!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Have you ever thought about how long it takes to shave your back?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00That can be a thing of the past with the new shave deluxe.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Stop right there!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Who are you?! - I am Francoise Le Fondue.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30- And HE, he is not important. - I'm not.- And YOU are under arrest.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58WHISTLE BLOWS
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oi!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Tickets, please!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Here you are.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Thanks.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Stop in the name of the law!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24# To the left, to the left... #
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Don't do it, monsieur!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35HE SOBS
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- Monsieur, you confess that... - HE SOBS
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You confess that you did it?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Yes, all right, I confess!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- It was me!- BOTH: Yes!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- I took the spare biscuits! - The old biscuit ploy.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- Do you confess that you are the mooner?- The mooner?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Oh, no, I'm not the mooner.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I just nicked some custard creams.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02AUDIENCE MURMUR
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Although, now you come to mention it,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- I know who the mooner is.- Really?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10It's...it's...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- BLOWS RASPBERRY - Sacrebleu! And we were so close!
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Now we're never going to know who the mooner is.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I mean, if it's not the guard then who could it...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- Of course!- What?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- It's obvious!- What?- I can't believe I didn't see it before!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- What?!- The mooner is...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36You, Mr Train Driver!
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- SIGHS:- Oh, all right, Guv. It's a fair cop.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41You followed the clues?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43The spanner in the guard's room,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46leading you to the compartment behind the buffet,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49where you discovered ketchup from my sandwich
0:26:49 > 0:26:52which led you here to make your final deductions.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56No, actually, you're the only person left who hasn't been mooned.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- Oh. Right.- So you just blagged it?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Whatever. Boys, take him away.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11There's one thing I don't understand.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Yes, my stupid friend?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- If the driver's gone to prison... - Oui?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Who's going to stop the train?
0:27:18 > 0:27:22THEY SCREAM
0:27:25 > 0:27:29'All units. The runaway train came down the track,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32'and she blew. Repeat. She blew.'
0:27:32 > 0:27:37Don't worry, Larry, we said you'd pay for the damage.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40THEY CONTINUE SCREAMING
0:27:45 > 0:27:46THEY SCREAM
0:27:54 > 0:27:57THEY SCREAM
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Higgins, this is the end!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- Phew! I'm off. - Oi! Not the actual end!
0:28:05 > 0:28:10Oh. Oh...
0:28:10 > 0:28:13I have it!
0:28:13 > 0:28:18- Divert this train to Bath! - To Bath?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Yes. Divert this train to Bath.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# Splish splash I was taking a bath
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# On a Saturday night
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# Yes, rub-a-dub just relaxing in the tub
0:28:34 > 0:28:38# Thinking everything was all right. #
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Well, Larry? What did you think?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55What about you lot?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57What did you think, eh?
0:29:03 > 0:29:07THE AUDIENCE SHOUT AND BOO
0:29:07 > 0:29:09That was rubbish!
0:29:15 > 0:29:18I want my money back!
0:29:18 > 0:29:22I cannot believe I have just sat through that.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26WOMAN SCREAMS
0:29:26 > 0:29:30I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Actually, Mr Weinsteinberger...
0:29:33 > 0:29:39- we've got another idea for a film! - Yes, and this film has...
0:29:40 > 0:29:43..jam in a bag!
0:29:44 > 0:29:47'Those two are unique creatures.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51'They're the only men I know who have got a bum for a brain.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55'A bum for a brain, I tell you, and that's a waste of a bum.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58'Why do I bother?
0:29:58 > 0:30:02'That's the most stupid thing...' I love it!
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Here's the cash!
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd