0:00:02 > 0:00:04Lights! Camera! Action!
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# We're Diddy Dick and Dom
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# And we're so excited!
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# Our showbiz careers have been reignited
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# We made it onto the silver screen
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# With our Diddy Movies... #
0:00:15 > 0:00:17- CROWD:- You're living the dream!
0:00:17 > 0:00:18# We've been down on our luck
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# We were burnt-out stars
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Flipping burgers and washing cars
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# But we waved goodbye to all our cares
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# At last, getting Hollywood premieres... #
0:00:30 > 0:00:33This time next year, you'll be millionaires!
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# Go, Diddy Movies...yeah! #
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere
0:00:42 > 0:00:46in the royal presence of Lady Fanaqua Barr.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49SCREECHY SINGING
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Shut up, Mum!
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- Sorry!- Tonight's movie is the nerve-twaddling epic
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Chewrassic Park!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Oh, Larry!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03We can't wait for you to see our new action movie.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05We promise you'll be on the edge of your seat.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Listen, you guys - if this movie ain't a terrific hit,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I will personally kick you out of town.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Oh! You'd do that for us?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- 'Ere! Isn't he nice?- Oh, yes.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18HE SIMPERS
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- Oh...cut that out! - Larry...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Aw, shucks, who am I trying to kid? I love it!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31France - la Tour Eiffel.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34France - la baguette.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36France - la mademoiselle.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38France - le sparadrap.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40France - le pamplemousse.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42France - la vache.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43France...
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Warning - France is not in Great Britain.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49France - la bibliotheque.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51BABBLING
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Oh-la-la!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Oh, this is it!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Diddy Movies presents...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Welcome, welcome, welcome, esteemed guests!
0:02:22 > 0:02:27I am Hector Platter, owner of Chewrassic Park -
0:02:27 > 0:02:31the world's first-ever giant food-based theme park.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34What brings you both here? In pursuit of great science?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Nah.- Nah. - A fascination with gastronomy?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- Nah.- Nah. - A thirst for the grotesque?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Ff-ff-ff-ff-ff...
0:02:40 > 0:02:41- Nah.- Nah.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45We won a free trip - competition on Ferret FM.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I'm Gaz Trick - professional blagger.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Perry Stalsis - where's the free buffet?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Can we take a picture? - Oh, I'd be honoured.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I think you'll find the best place for a photo...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Shall we take this one?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03..is just over here, in front of this huge mound of mashed potato
0:03:03 > 0:03:05in front of the mountains of...argh!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Oh! I feel so alive!
0:03:10 > 0:03:16Gentlemen, adventure beyond your wildest dreams starts...
0:03:18 > 0:03:19..this way.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26My mistake - it's this way.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It cost my entire family fortune.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Welcome to Chewrassic Park!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Closed on Mondays, may contain depleted uranium.
0:03:37 > 0:03:44- Oh!- Behold, my giant field of fast food.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50# Open wide, go inside
0:03:50 > 0:03:54# To a land of tasty combinations
0:03:54 > 0:03:57# Something new, just for you
0:03:57 > 0:04:00# In my tropical plantations... #
0:04:00 > 0:04:02BIRDS TWEET
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Great - let's eat.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# Have a bite, it's all right
0:04:08 > 0:04:11# Grab a lot or simply grab a few
0:04:11 > 0:04:15# And if your rump starts to trump
0:04:15 > 0:04:18# Take an anti-acid tum, too. #
0:04:19 > 0:04:22HECTOR BREAKS WIND
0:04:22 > 0:04:24BIRD SCREECHES
0:04:24 > 0:04:25There.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27GUNSHOT
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Whoa!
0:04:36 > 0:04:41- Oh...Mr Platter, we've never seen hot dogs so big!- No!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44That's because they aren't hot dogs -
0:04:44 > 0:04:46they're NOT dogs.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Huh?- Huh?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Huh?
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Huh?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Huh?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57A miracle of genetic engineering.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59They look like hot dogs...
0:05:00 > 0:05:01WOLF WHISTLE
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Oh, er...ahem...
0:05:03 > 0:05:08But inside are a variety of ingenious, tasty fillings.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12You, sir, are discovering my fish and custard not dog.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15GAZ GAGS
0:05:15 > 0:05:19And you, sir - how are you finding my delicious soil and soap flavour?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Pah-ha!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Argh! My tongue! It's melting!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28PERRY GAGS
0:05:28 > 0:05:33So, you both loved my not dogs - well, wait till you see this.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38Behold, my lake of spaghetti lardanara.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41It looks like carbonara, but the chunks of ham
0:05:41 > 0:05:46are actually giant lumps...of lard.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Ho-ho!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Here, taste some.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Ha!
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Eh...?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07It took years of painstaking research.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Yeah. I can taste the pain.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Oh...?- No, no, no - I'm full. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- I've got to save room for dessert. - I know what you're thinking.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17You're thinking,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"Isn't it dangerous to delineate natural genetic structures,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22"potentially releasing entirely new biological processes?"
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Eh...yes. That.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Well, not to worry. It's only science.
0:06:29 > 0:06:44I mean, what could possibly go wrooooooooooooooo....?!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Now, pudding.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Nope, wrong way again.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Behold...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04..my proudest creation.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Oooh!- Oooh!
0:07:06 > 0:07:12Looks like a giant pineapple, but, in fact, made of cheese.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17I give you...the chinapple.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Cheese and pineapple? Doesn't sound too gross.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Ugh! That smells like the back of my fridge!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Smells like the back of your shorts.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30That cheese is rancid!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Crackers?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Yeah, you are, mate. Come on.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37What...? No, please!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Please eat my cheese, please!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Eat my cheese, please!
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Fine, fine, forget the chinapple, but how about this, hey?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49A carrot crossed with a giant waffle.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- I call it the car-fuffle. - Car-fuffle?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Carrot...and...waffle.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54What do you think? Yes?
0:07:54 > 0:07:59We think that this theme park is the worst theme park ever!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I bet you wished you'd made a park of dinosaurs or something.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Yeah! Dinosaurs are cool!
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Why didn't you do dinosaurs, eh?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?- Eh...?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Arrrrrgggggghhhhhh!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Fine! Oh!
0:08:19 > 0:08:20I've wasted all my money
0:08:20 > 0:08:22on a terrible cuisine-based theme park,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25but now, you'll pay - you'll all pay!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Actually, I think you'll find we won't pay,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33cos WE won a competition on Ferret FM.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Rrrggghhh!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38THUNDER RUMBLES
0:08:39 > 0:08:42EVIL LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:44ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
0:08:44 > 0:08:47# So, farewell, it's been swell
0:08:47 > 0:08:50# But the park is going to get creepy
0:08:51 > 0:08:54# Now, beware, do take care
0:08:54 > 0:08:57# And try not to get too weepy. #
0:08:57 > 0:08:59HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:08:59 > 0:09:01HELICOPTER WHIRRS
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Uh-oh...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11CRASH!
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Gift shop?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oh, look at that! Ah!
0:09:16 > 0:09:17SNARLING
0:09:17 > 0:09:22Arrrrrggggghhhhh!
0:09:25 > 0:09:26No! No!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Perry, get it off me!- OK.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- Argh! Argh!- Argh! Argh! Argh!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Larry, can I have some popcorn?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40No!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Wait! I've got an idea.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49CHOMPING
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Popcorn?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Oh, thanks!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Right, let's get out of here!
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Luvvie, the place has gone all deadly!
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Look! There's an escape boat on the other side of the island!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Oh!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22But we have to go through the middle of...
0:10:22 > 0:10:26BOTH: CHEWRASSIC PARK!
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Eh, hello? Can't they just go the long way around?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Sh!- I mean, there's clearly a route
0:10:33 > 0:10:35that avoids all the mutant...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39'Oh, it's scary!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41'I don't know what it is! Keep it away!'
0:10:41 > 0:10:43'Quick, quick! Faster, faster!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46'Ooh, get off! Leave us alone!'
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Wow! Look out, Perry!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50SPLAT!
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Uh-oh...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Oh! Help, Gaz! I'm sinking!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Well, what can I do?- Eat it!
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- What else can I do? - Just eat the flipping lake, you wuss!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Fine...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12SLURPING AND CHOMPING
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Yes! It's working! Keep eating!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18That's it - slurpy-slurpy.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Suck it up! Suck it up into your oesophagus!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25HE GROANS
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Oh! You saved me! Ah...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34HE BURPS
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Ugh!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40GASPING AND PANTING
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Oh...oh! I'm gasping for a drink of water.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- There's one.- That's handy.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50OMINOUS THUD
0:11:53 > 0:11:54What's that?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59PINEAPPLE ROARS
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- ARRGGGHHH!- ARRGGGHHH!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07LOUD ROARING
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Come on, the boat's the other side of this field!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Greedy pigs!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Just keep walking, Perry. Ignore it.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Oink, oink! Oh, look at me, I'm a greedy little piggy,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26getting everything for free.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Munch-munch, oink-oink, bleurgh!
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Shut your mouth!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Maybe if you had shut YOUR mouth,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35you would not look like garbage truck with face.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Leave it, Perry! Be the bigger person!
0:12:38 > 0:12:43No - YOU the bigger person, like Olympic Stadium on legs!
0:12:43 > 0:12:44HOT DOG GUFFAWS
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Peckish?- Starving.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it - stuff your faces.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52That's right - eat me!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55CHOMPING
0:12:59 > 0:13:02HE BELCHES
0:13:08 > 0:13:09We made it!
0:13:09 > 0:13:14When we get out of here, I'm never, ever going to be greedy again,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Right, Perry? - Right, Gaz.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Let's go home.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Weeeee!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Arrrggghhh!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23ROARING
0:13:31 > 0:13:34# Wake me up before you go-go
0:13:34 > 0:13:37# Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
0:13:37 > 0:13:40# Wake me up before you go-go
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# Wake me up before you go-go
0:13:46 > 0:13:49# Cos I'm not plannin' on going solo
0:13:49 > 0:13:52# Wake me up before you go-go
0:13:52 > 0:13:59# Take me dancing tonight
0:13:59 > 0:14:03# I'm gonna hit that HIGH
0:14:03 > 0:14:06# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Ladies and gentlemen,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14The following presentation is brought to you
0:14:14 > 0:14:16in association with...
0:14:16 > 0:14:17FARTING
0:14:17 > 0:14:20And in glorious Whiff-o-Rama.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24My Husband Stinks!
0:14:24 > 0:14:29Well, this one can't fail - it's a rom com for the ladies.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32A rom com? What do you two know about romance?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Loads, actually. Look.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Flowers for the producer?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Flowers? For me? Why, this is such a surprise!
0:14:41 > 0:14:46- And look - chocolatas. - Oh! My favourites!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Yeah, yeah, not the red one - that's mine.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- They're my chocolates! - No, no, they're mine!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Oh! You...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Oh! Hey! Get off!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59See? That's romance.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00I think he likes us.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Warning - keep your valuables safe.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Thieves operate in this cinema.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10But, worse than that, look -
0:15:10 > 0:15:12there are snakes! Big snakes!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Arrgghh! Arrrgggghhhh!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Forget the thieves -
0:15:17 > 0:15:19it's the giant snakes you want to worry about!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21SCREAMING AND YELLING
0:15:30 > 0:15:32'All right? I'm Bo Diddy.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34'I'm a D-list superstar
0:15:34 > 0:15:37'and this is the story of how I found true love
0:15:37 > 0:15:40'and married a massive TV star -
0:15:40 > 0:15:43'although, trust me, it's not as good as it sounds.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48'It's not all fun, being a D-lister.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51'There's no time for true love, for a start.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54'The only relationships you can have are fake ones
0:15:54 > 0:15:57'with other minor celebrities that only last 20 seconds.'
0:15:57 > 0:15:59It's not me - it's you!
0:15:59 > 0:16:00You're not famous enough.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04'But dealing with the paparazzi can be a nightmare.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06'The important thing is keep calm.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09'Don't forget that you're in public.'
0:16:09 > 0:16:10SMASH!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13'Although attacking photographers for no reason
0:16:13 > 0:16:14'is a great way to get in the papers.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17'And that's what being a D-lister's all about -
0:16:17 > 0:16:19'you need publicity.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21'And the number one celeb show on TV?'
0:16:21 > 0:16:23What?! With Max Chaff.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29All the celebrity news that really matters
0:16:29 > 0:16:30right here on...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32What!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35With Max Chaff!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Hey there!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Brad Pitt in plastic surgery shocker.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42He's had his head replaced with a potato.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44What?!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Jennifer Lawrence - brought up by elephants.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50What?!
0:16:50 > 0:16:55But right now, we're going live to a D-list celebrity event in Croydon
0:16:55 > 0:16:58where all the minor stars have turned out
0:16:58 > 0:17:00for the opening...of an envelope.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02What?!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Anyway, tonight's not about me.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08It's about you and the opening of your new envelope.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10You're having a party
0:17:10 > 0:17:11cos I got a phone bill?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Clear off!- Whatever!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I've got three more openings to go to -
0:17:16 > 0:17:19an umbrella, a window and a packet of biscuits.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22And I'm shooting an advert for cardboard wedding dresses tomorrow.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25MUSIC: "The Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Slate 24, take 62.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Action!
0:17:30 > 0:17:35These recycled wedding dresses are amazeballs!
0:17:35 > 0:17:40I'm getting married and I'm even saving the planet.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Bum in shot!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Oi! Stop looking at my bum!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46SHE SPLUTTERS
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Oh, you mean him? Caw, he stinks!
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Go away!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52All right? I'm, er...eh...Reg.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55No-one cares - you're not famous!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Right, let's get on with it, shall we?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Take two - action!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Do you take this man?- I do.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- And do you take this woman? - Yeah, uh, yeah, I do.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- What are you asking him for? - Cut!
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Not even in this advert.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- What advert? - We're making an advert, you idiot!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Oh...oh, I thought this was a real wedding.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17That's rather awkward.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20You see, technically, you two are now husband and wife.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- You may kiss the bride. - Yeah, yeah, yeah...
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Get off!
0:18:23 > 0:18:24I'm not marrying him!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I don't even know who he is.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Are you famous?- Oh, yeah...no.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32No, I'm a dung-seller from T-Tavistock.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Dung?! - Yeah, I shovel..shovel...shovel...
0:18:35 > 0:18:36CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Hey! No photos. We're keeping this marriage secret
0:18:40 > 0:18:42until I can get out of it.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Arrrggghhh!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Oh, what a relief! It was all a dream.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Arrrggghhh!
0:18:49 > 0:18:50FLIES BUZZ
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Morning, wife! Hope you don't mind if I leave my yak dung in your bed.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56I've already filled the cupboards.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57SHE WAILS
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Ah...my favourite. Panda poo.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I can still smell the bamboo.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Oh, eh, no, watch out for the bathroom!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It's the only place big enough for my hippo pat...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10ARRRGGGHHH!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I think he had tummy troubles.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I can't believe this is happening!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Celebrities don't get married, except to other celebrities.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22What about love? What about happiness?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Well, I love being famous.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Don't care about being happy.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oh, that's very sad.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31You must be incredibly lonely.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Oi! Keep it light. This is a comedy.- Oh, yeah.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Anyway, all I care about is being a celebrity.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Reg, you stay here until I find the bishop
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- and get the wedding cancelled.- OK.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46And no-one will ever know that my husband stinks.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50What?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Hey there! On tonight's show, footballer swaps brain with ant
0:19:55 > 0:19:57to make himself smarter.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59What?!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Soap star doesn't release pop single.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03What?!
0:20:03 > 0:20:07And the D-list mystery that's got all the tongues wagging -
0:20:07 > 0:20:11who's that stinky guy that's been following Bo Diddy around?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13What?!
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Well, guess what? I've got Bo Diddy right here, live in the studio.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:20 > 0:20:21What?!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Bo wants to set the record straight
0:20:23 > 0:20:26about the strange man she's been seen with.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28So, Bo, what's with the smelly dude?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I'm here to come clean, Max.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32I want to tell the truth.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I've never seen him before.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37It's just that Reg, he keeps following me.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Reg? - Yeah, I'm guessing that's his name.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Looks like a Reg.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Well, it IS his name. Guess what, viewers?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48He's here tonight - meet Reginald Grimshaw!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Reg! No! I told you to stay in the flat!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Even though...I've never met you before.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59So, Reg, who are you?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Yeah, yeah, no - my name is Reginald Gri...er...Grimshaw.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07And I'm married to the world's most wonderful woman -
0:21:07 > 0:21:08my Bo Diddy.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- No!- Oh, yeah - you see, she can't keep her hands off me.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15That's true love.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Right! That's it! I'm leaving! This interview is over!
0:21:19 > 0:21:20That's got to be worth a front page.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23AUDIENCE OOHS
0:21:23 > 0:21:26So, Reg, what do you do?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Yeah, yeah, no, no - I'm a dung-seller.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I collect and trade prime poop.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Whoa! That sounds disgusting.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Yeah, no, yeah -
0:21:35 > 0:21:38there's a whole wonderful world of whoopsies out there.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43Do you know I've got the only dodo doo-doo in Britain?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Yeah - I might not have a Pooh bear,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50but I've got lots of bear poo!
0:21:50 > 0:21:51What?!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:57SHE WAILS
0:21:57 > 0:22:02Oh, this is it - the end of my D-list celebrity status.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- I'm finished!- Well, at least I managed to cancel the wedding.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Too late! I'm never going to get my own fake reality show now.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Shame you two couldn't work things out.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Then he might have let you on his TV show.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Yeah, right(!)
0:22:15 > 0:22:20Because I want to spend a single moment of my life with that nobody?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Wait a minute - what TV show?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- TV:- Yes, it's time for...
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Here is your host, Reg Grimshaw!
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Hello. Welcome to the game show where celebrities have to guess
0:22:36 > 0:22:39what Daisy the Cow had for breakfast.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Here's a clue - it's always grass, cos that's all she ever eats.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45So, it's time for round f-fa-f...one.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47COW MOOS
0:22:47 > 0:22:48FART!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50SPLAT!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Guess what Daisy had for breakfast!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Here's a clue - the answer's grass.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59It'll never catch on.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04This is a great honour - it's amazing what you can achieve with a dream.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Oh, and a house full of poodle potatoes.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Oh! I never realised until this moment how much I love him!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Thought you didn't want to spend a moment with that nobody?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19What?! How dare you speak about my darling husband like that?!
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Ex-husband.- It's a misunderstanding.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And what's a misunderstanding when it comes to true love?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27You hated him a minute ago.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29He wasn't famous then!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Right, you - you're going to take us to his TV studio.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Why?- So you can remarry us.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37My husband stinks...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44..but I love him, now that he's stinking famous.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I thought we'd jazz up the next show,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50so we're going to do Guess What Nellie Had For Breakfast.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Nellie the Elephant's outside, so...do the honours.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57There you are. Right...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Husband! Guess who?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Husband? I thought we weren't married any more?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Oh, that - that was just a small misunderstanding.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I didn't realise how perfect for each other we are
0:24:09 > 0:24:11till you got famous.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14But don't worry - we can have another wedding now.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I do. Your turn.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17I don't.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20What?! Yes, you do! Yes, he does!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21No, I don't.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22But why?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Well, I'm a C-lister now.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I can't hang around with D-listers.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I've got an opening - can't be seen with you on the red carpet.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Gasp!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34You're allowed on the red carpet?!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36All the big C-listers are going to be there.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Take me with you! I'll do anything!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I'll even take an interest in your dung.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Excuse us, but me and Daisy have got a show to do.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47We're going to go live now...
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Bishop, come on! You've got to marry us!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do...!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56COW MOOS
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I now pronounce you husband and wife.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Yes! I did it! I married a C-lister!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Ah! This is the happiest day of my life!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I'm going to be even more famous.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Darling, I...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Wait a minute - he didn't even say anything.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15No, no, I distinctly heard the young man
0:25:15 > 0:25:17in the black and white cow suit say "I do".
0:25:18 > 0:25:21That's a real cow, you idiot!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Oh, dear - ha-ha...
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Well, this is awkward.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26You see, technically, you are now married to the cow.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28COW MOOS
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Oh, no...not again!
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Oh, well - at least no-one will ever find out about it this time.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Oh, eh - you're on TV now. Live.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, poop!
0:25:39 > 0:25:43'And that's the story of how I found true love
0:25:43 > 0:25:45'and ended up married to a massive cow.'
0:25:45 > 0:25:46PARP!
0:25:46 > 0:25:47SPLAT!
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Have you just done one?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50COW MOOS
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Oh, I don't believe this!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55My husband stinks...again!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00AUDIENCE OOHS
0:26:00 > 0:26:01What?!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Bo Diddy married a cow by accident?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's all good, Max.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08We sold the wedding photos for a squillion dollars
0:26:08 > 0:26:11and now we're going to make our own reality show.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I'm a C-lister at last
0:26:13 > 0:26:14and I get free milk.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15COW MOOS
0:26:17 > 0:26:18What?!
0:26:36 > 0:26:41Well, Larry, what do you think?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46All right - you lot, what did you think of it?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54BOOING AND YELLING
0:27:06 > 0:27:08SHE SCREAMS
0:27:11 > 0:27:15That was...the worst movie
0:27:15 > 0:27:21I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!
0:27:21 > 0:27:22I'm ruined!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Don't worry, Larry - we've got another movie.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It's about a little girl from Kansas
0:27:29 > 0:27:33who has a secret, magical green bogie kingdom up her nose.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35It's called...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37The Wizard Of Snozz!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39'They take my money
0:27:39 > 0:27:41'and they turn it into a pile of poop!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43'I just...I could...'
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Brilliant! A bogie movie!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50It'll be the pick of the week!
0:27:50 > 0:27:51I love it!
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Here's the money!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Go, Diddy Movies - yeah! #