0:00:02 > 0:00:04Lights, camera, action!
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# We're Diddy Dick and Dom and we're so excited
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# Our showbiz careers have been reignited
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# We made it onto the silver screen
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# With our Diddy Movies... #
0:00:15 > 0:00:17You're living the dream!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# We were down on our luck We were burnt-out stars
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Flipping burgers and washing cars
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# But we waved goodbye to all our cares
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# Hello to Hollywood premieres... #
0:00:30 > 0:00:33This time next year You'll be millionaires!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36# Go, Diddy Movies, yeah! #
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Swanky do, innit? All the great and the good are here tonight.
0:00:42 > 0:00:48- Yeah, and you two had to come as well!- Oh, don't be like that, Larry!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50We're actually nominated this year.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53What for? Biggest losers?
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Actually, we're nominated in every single category!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01What? I mean, why?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I mean, how? No, I mean, "Mm?!"
0:01:03 > 0:01:08It's starting! It's starting!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Diddy ladies and diddy gentlemen,
0:01:10 > 0:01:14welcome to the 333rd annual Golden Diddy Awards.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Before the awards, let's look back at some of this year's diddiest
0:01:19 > 0:01:25thrills, spills and chills in the crazy world that we call the movies.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28It's amazing what you can achieve with a dream.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Oh, and a house full of poodle potatoes.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Whoa!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Argh!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46What?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Yeah!- Argh!
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Argh!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- Oh... I feel sick after all of that. - It was a little frantic.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What? No.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Not the clips. The crisps!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14HE BURPS
0:02:14 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There they are. The Golden Diddies!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- I want one of them.- I want one of them!- No, I want one of them!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- No, I want one of them! - I want one of them!
0:02:25 > 0:02:31I...want one of...them!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36And now for our first award.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41Best Action Sequence On A Shoestring Budget. And the nominations are...
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- I'm gasping for a drink of water. - There's one.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48That's handy.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52THUMP
0:02:54 > 0:02:55What's that?
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Oh...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00PINEAPPLE ROARS
0:03:00 > 0:03:02THEY SCREAM
0:03:05 > 0:03:08ROARS
0:03:11 > 0:03:13APPLAUSE
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Squirty squirt!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- Hey, what's up with you? - Put it on my tab, baby cakes!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01You ain't got no tab! You're a maverick cop, Krakowski!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04APPLAUSE
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Yea-a-a-ah!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Woo!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12THEY SCREAM
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- Hey, Cindy. Do you know what I've done?- What?
0:04:16 > 0:04:22- I've swapped your parachute.- Eh? - I've swapped your parachute for...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26..a trombone. Ha-ha-ha!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And now Earth - I mean Chloe the Third - is mine!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- You know what I've done?- What?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I've swapped your parachute too.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36GOAT WHINNIES
0:04:38 > 0:04:39APPLAUSE
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Hope we win.- Yeah, fingers crossed.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46What are you two worried about? You were nominated in every category.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- You're bound to win.- Don't jinx it, Larry!- And the winner is...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54..internet kittens in Fluffy Time!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56CHEERING
0:05:03 > 0:05:06But they weren't even nominated!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Don't begrudge two little kittens their moment in the limelight.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Shame on you, Larry!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13But... But...
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Everyone loves the internet kittens, Larry!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21They're tough to beat!
0:05:21 > 0:05:27The next award is for Best Musical Performance By Terrible Singers.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31We're going to win this, easy peasy!
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Our terrible singing is making him queasy.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Yes, I know, just stop.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Larry wants us to stop our singing.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Because his diddy ears are ringing!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49The nominations are...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51What?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I said, the nominations are...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I said, the nominations... Take them out!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Thank you. The nominations are...
0:06:02 > 0:06:06# Life's not bad when you're already dead
0:06:06 > 0:06:10# Life's not bad when you're already dead
0:06:10 > 0:06:13# Life's not bad when you're already dead
0:06:13 > 0:06:17# Can tell they're so much better now my eyes are bright red
0:06:17 > 0:06:20# Life's not bad when you're already dead
0:06:20 > 0:06:25# You can drink two cuppas by rotating your head... #
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Ah!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30# Yes, life's not bad when you're already dead
0:06:30 > 0:06:35# So stop being old and be a zombie instead. #
0:06:39 > 0:06:41THEY LAUGH
0:06:41 > 0:06:42One, two, three, four.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45APPLAUSE
0:06:46 > 0:06:49# We want to be famous We want to be rich
0:06:49 > 0:06:52# We don't want to wait... #
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Through disco week.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56# We want cash to stash We could smash and dash
0:06:56 > 0:07:00# With a hairy moustache and a very itchy rash, rash, rash, rash... #
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Country and western.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04# We want to be famous We want to be rich
0:07:04 > 0:07:06# We want to wait... #
0:07:06 > 0:07:08The Lady Doo Doo week.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11# Blah, blah, blah
0:07:12 > 0:07:13# Blah, blah, wa-wa-waa... #
0:07:13 > 0:07:15All the way to the final.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18# We want to be famous We want to be rich
0:07:18 > 0:07:22# We want to be famous now! #
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Ho, ho, ho!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27# Stick the holly on your doggy
0:07:27 > 0:07:30# Decorate your tree with turkey mince pies
0:07:30 > 0:07:32# Here's a fairy on your Yule log
0:07:32 > 0:07:35# Give the carol singer a big surprise... #
0:07:35 > 0:07:36SHE SCREAMS
0:07:36 > 0:07:40# Pull a cracker, pull a cracker Pull a Christmas cracker, then... #
0:07:40 > 0:07:41EXPLOSION, HE SHRIEKS
0:07:41 > 0:07:44# Fill a sleigh with piles of... boiled sprouts? #
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- No!- Not sprouts!- Never sprouts. We hate sprouts!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53# Sing a carol up the chimney
0:07:53 > 0:07:55# Honey roasted nuts
0:07:55 > 0:08:02# In your TV Guide! #
0:08:02 > 0:08:04APPLAUSE
0:08:04 > 0:08:07And the winner is...
0:08:07 > 0:08:11internet kittens for Sing Kitty Sing.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13CHEERING
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I guess this means our singing voices are worse than cats!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I could have told yous that!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh! Why, you jumped up little...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Larry!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Be nice to the internet kitties. - Yes.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36If you cross them, you'll never work again.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- And now it's time for the adverts. - Oh, good. I need the loo.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41And I need to defrost my lasagne.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44No, not actual adverts, you diddy brains.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46The Diddy Award For Best Advert,
0:08:46 > 0:08:51sponsored by Nelson's Doughnuts - the doughnut with the extra hole.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Sorry!- And the nominations are...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59APPLAUSE
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Webuyanymonkey.com accept payment in cash, cheque,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23credit card or bananas. To speak to an operator, please dial...
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- France.- La Tour Eiffel.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- France.- La baguette.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- France.- La mademoiselle.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- France.- La Sparadrap.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- France.- La pamplemousse.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38- France.- La vache.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- France... - Warning.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42France is not in Great Britain.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45France. La bibliotheque.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Ooh-la-la.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51There's so many ways you can get confused.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52So many things are confusing.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Are you confused?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Well, now you can...- Pineapple.com!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- I know.- He knows.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Pineapple.com, the de-confusing website.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Pineapple.com.- Pineapple.com!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Oh, I'm so confused!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- Bless you! If you're confused like him, then we...- Compare things!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Are you still confused about comparing?- What about now?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- Pineapple.com.- Now I'm never confused.- Now he's never confused.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- Pineapple.com.- Pineapple.com. - Pineapple.com.- Pineapple.com.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Pineapple...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Please. Please.- And the winner is...
0:10:26 > 0:10:27..internet kittens.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29CHEERING
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Buy doughnuts!
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- There are very good.- Those hats have scored a cat-trick!- Eh?- I mean...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, never mind.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Ha! 15-0!
0:10:39 > 0:10:43We have to win something soon. The awards are running out.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Don't get in a tizzy. This one is in the bag for us, make no mistake.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49You sure?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52And now the award for Most Gratuitously Unnecessary
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Rudeness At An Inappropriate Moment.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57We're sure!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And here are the nominations.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00APPLAUSE
0:11:02 > 0:11:06And here is your host, Fred Grimshaw!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Hello, and welcome to the game show where celebrities have to guess
0:11:09 > 0:11:12what Daisy the cow had for breakfast.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And here's a clue - it's always grass
0:11:14 > 0:11:18because that's all she ever eats. It's time for round five... One.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20APPLAUSE
0:11:20 > 0:11:22PHRRT!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Guess what Daisy had for breakfast.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28And here's a clue - the answer's grass.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You said you were going to blow our socks off. Well...
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- They're still on. - Oh, yeah, nearly forgot!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Here y'are.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40PHRRT!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Ta-da!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46APPLAUSE
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Oh, no! Sir! He done snots on my test, sir.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Bogeys! Do I get an extra point for shouting that?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59No, he doesn't!
0:12:12 > 0:12:18Right! You're both disqualified for covering everything with bogeys!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20And the winner is...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I'd like to thank my agent, my banjo teacher,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- and the boy who brings me meat paste sandwiches.- That's me.- Oh, yes.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Thank you, Diddy Dick. - You're welcome, Diddy Dom.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Internet kittens for Blame It On The Cat.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34What?!
0:12:38 > 0:12:39PHRRT!
0:12:41 > 0:12:4615-all! Those internet kittens are quick learners.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I've had just about enough of this. They say we can't act.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51They say we can't sing.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56- But no-one can say that we don't know how to be rude.- Yeah!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03It looks like those pretty kitties are going to sweep the board.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Hey, look, chaps, the last award has got our names written all over it!
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- Literally. - And so we come to the final award.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13The Diddy Dick And Dom Award
0:13:13 > 0:13:18For Best Performance By Diddy Dick And Dom In A Dick And Dom Movie.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22You see? Easy. If we don't win this, we should just give up!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I don't know what to wish for.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Winning an award or you two just giving up!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- And the winner is...- Yes?
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Is...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Yes?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Is...- Yes?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- ..cute internet kittens. - CHEERING
0:13:39 > 0:13:41What?!
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Yes, that's right. Thanks for all the awards, suckers! Meow and good night!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Well, Larry.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58What do you think of that?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03What about you lot? What did you think?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06CROWD BOOS
0:14:11 > 0:14:16I don't know why I'm surprised. You two were never going to get an award.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Ah, but our next film is a guaranteed award winner.
0:14:20 > 0:14:26It's called Internet Kittens Chips And Peas.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I love it! Your cheque is in the post!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# This time next year You'll be millionaires
0:14:32 > 0:14:34# Go, Diddy Movies, yeah! #
0:14:34 > 0:14:40Hello. I'm Quentin Hitchcliff, legendary film critic.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44I've interviewed some of the greatest names in cinematic history.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Yet despite this,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50I've been asked today to discuss the work of Diddy Dick and Dom.
0:14:50 > 0:14:56Hugely talented, cinematic giants, larger than life superstars.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Just some of the things that have never been said
0:14:58 > 0:15:01about this pair of Tinseltown terrors.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Persons of a nervous disposition should put their head in a bag.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Because we, Rowntree and Bilge,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11bring to you what will surely be known
0:15:11 > 0:15:14as the eighth wonder of the world.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17GASPING
0:15:17 > 0:15:19WOMAN SCREAMS
0:15:19 > 0:15:22DEEP VOICE: Wee-wee gas.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Bum chutney.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Fartarama.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Ooh! Turkey.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36No-one has ever entered the kingdom of the Black Knight and survived.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Prepare to meet a slow, gruesome, medieval death.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42You see, we can't, because...
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Oh.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Come on, fight me, you wimps!- Oh!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51We can't. Because he...
0:15:51 > 0:15:52You know, please don't...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Aaaaagh! The tea boy!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Hmm. Just as I predicted.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07He's been...mooned!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08PRRRRRRRFT!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Gentlemen, thank you for taking the time to talk to me today.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- It's an honour and a privet hedge. - Is this going to take long?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- We're in the middle of a movie. - Yes, The History Of The Universe.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21One of the biggest and most expensive movies ever made.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It was all shot on location in space.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26But this is a Diddy Movie special, devoted to your life's work.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Oh, right, yes, well... In that case, take your time, lovey.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Lovely.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Lovey!- Yes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Well, let's now examine your work in more detail.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40One of your most controversial films to date is Dracula.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Draculaaaaaaa.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- That's what I said. - No, you said Dracula.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48It's Draculaaaaaaa.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54In fact, the original title was Draculaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:16:57 > 0:17:01aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:17:01 > 0:17:06aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:17:09 > 0:17:13aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:17:13 > 0:17:16aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:17:16 > 0:17:20aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- That's incredi... - ..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Thank you.- ..aaaaaaa.- Aaaaaa.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Let's now look at that film,
0:17:33 > 0:17:39Draculaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Aaaaaaaaaaa.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46A!
0:17:48 > 0:17:49THEY SCREAM
0:17:49 > 0:17:51HORSE NEIGHS
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh! Ah! Ow! Oooh! Aaah!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Bangwells!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Prattlebox!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Bingles!- Noston!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Ohhhhh! Mmmm...
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- Oh! So, I take that as a yes, then. - Push off!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Oh! What a lovely view!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13I can see my hou...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Oh dear, oh my. Oh, oh!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Ohh! Aaaaaaagh!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Now, you make your films together. How do you share the workload?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Oh, well, you see, I do the writing, directing, producing,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40make-up, wardrobe, lighting, camerawork and editing.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43And I am the executive beverage and light refreshment producer.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45That reminds me, can I have two sugars in mine?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48And a lovely plate of Garibaldis.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51He won't be long. Because he can't move.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Best tea boy in the business.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Well, let's have another clip while we wait.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59To learn kung boo, you must master the art of...
0:18:59 > 0:19:00the unpredictable!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02BELL RINGS DISTANTLY
0:19:02 > 0:19:04HE SCREAMS
0:19:04 > 0:19:05HORN HONKS
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Please, can we just...?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11You must catch your opponent unawares!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13ARABIAN-STYLE MUSIC
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Buzzzzz!- No!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Well, how about this!
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Buzzzzz!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31How's that helping?!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Human Man, the nation owes you a...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35PRRRRRRRRFT! Ooh! That's better.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38..a debt of gratitude that can never be...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40PRRRRRRRRFT! More tea, Archbishop?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Oh, man!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44That reeks! I'll come back and get it later, all right?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Probably best, yeah.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Tell me about your work in front of the camera.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Diddy Dick over here is, without doubt,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55one of the finest actors I've ever seen.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57No, no, no, lovey.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- The camera simply loves Diddy Dom. - Oh! Well, I doth protest.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06When you act, the sun shines.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Well, when you act, the trees fill with blossom.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Well, when you act,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17a thousand angels sigh,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20creating a heavenly wind that lifts our cassocks.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Well, when you act,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28tiny woodland creatures tremble in adoration
0:20:28 > 0:20:31and sing a song of love so that they bring joy to the world!
0:20:33 > 0:20:34- Really?- No.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Well, I think you've proved you're about as good as each other.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Let's see some of those acting skills in action.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- Luuuuughhh... - DIDDY DICK SLURPS
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Horatio?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Horatio!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Horatio, come here now!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Oh, Horatio!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57HE SOBS GENTLY
0:20:58 > 0:21:00No-o-o!
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Oh, it's you.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Goodbye, friend!- Goodbye!
0:21:05 > 0:21:10- Wait. What's that?- It's literally raining cats and dogs.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Can't be!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Butch?!- Twinkle!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- CAT YOWLS - We're saved!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21'And so, the young novice had agreed to fight
0:21:21 > 0:21:26'the most fearsome kung boo warrior in the whole of China.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29'In just three days' time.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31'Ha! What a total bean spot!'
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Truly awful.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I mean, truly awesome.
0:21:38 > 0:21:44Now, many of your movies contain action sequences, special effects.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Do you do your own stunts?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Aaaaagh!
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Yes.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58Oh! He shot us! I can't believe he shot us!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Oh! He shot us again!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07That is not fair.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08THEY SCREAM
0:22:11 > 0:22:12'All units!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14'The runaway train came down the track
0:22:14 > 0:22:16'and she blew, repeat, she blew!'
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Ahh!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42HE CHUCKLES
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Ataya!- Waaaagh!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46CHEERING
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Big boulder nipple yanky surprise.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- Seat belt on, please, madam. - Seat backs upright, please, sir.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Oh, you'll have to put that fridge freezer in the overhead locker.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Oh, ahem! Assume brace position, please, sir.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Thank you.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09THUNDER CRACKS, THEY SCREAM
0:23:09 > 0:23:12That must have cost a lot of money.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15You obviously have a very generous, understanding
0:23:15 > 0:23:17and handsome backer to support you.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Oh, we never discuss money, dear. It's so vulgar.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25We have a grubby little man that deals with all that for us.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Grubby little man? Grubby little man?! Why, I oughta...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Oh, look, what a coincidence!
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Our grubby little man is a sausage muncher too.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38And he sweats a lot.
0:23:38 > 0:23:44Yes, well, it's time for, er, another distraction. I mean, a clip.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48And what better way to change the subject than with a song.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50# There's no-one quite like Brad
0:23:50 > 0:23:54# There's no-one quite like Brad
0:23:54 > 0:23:55# Je t'adore.... #
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Oh, Brad!
0:23:59 > 0:24:02# We glide
0:24:02 > 0:24:06# Far below the rolling tide
0:24:07 > 0:24:10# Serene
0:24:10 > 0:24:14# Through the bubbly blue and green
0:24:14 > 0:24:16# It's lovely... #
0:24:16 > 0:24:18# Eat your friends, eat your friends
0:24:18 > 0:24:20# When you're at your wits' end
0:24:20 > 0:24:22# When they drive you round the bend
0:24:22 > 0:24:24# Eat your friends
0:24:25 > 0:24:27# Steam 'em, boil 'em
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# Make a kebab
0:24:30 > 0:24:32# Chew 'em, broil 'em
0:24:32 > 0:24:34# Crack 'em like a crab... #
0:24:34 > 0:24:37# Prom night, prom night
0:24:37 > 0:24:38# Prawn night!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40# No! Prom night
0:24:40 > 0:24:44# Prom night
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# Prom night
0:24:47 > 0:24:50# Prom night! #
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Quentin?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Quentin...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Quentin!- Oh! Is it over?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Oh, er... Now it's time to talk about your cheapest work.
0:25:04 > 0:25:10- I mean, your best work. - How can you possibly narrow it down?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- Yes, you see, each Diddy Movie is like a newborn baby to us.- Yes.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Difficult to deliver, impossible to understand
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- and always needs changing.- No!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I mean, special, enchanting, and full of life.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23No, no, I'm not talking about your movies.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26I'm talking about your Diddy adverts.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30'Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.'
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Burger and chips, please.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Oh! I'm not having that! Where's me chips?
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Ohhh! Thank you!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42'Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44'It tastes disgusting, but it's really fast.'
0:25:44 > 0:25:48You need...Baby Let One Off!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51She laughs, she cries.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54She farts like a foghorn!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Pump her arm and she'll pump out a tune!
0:25:56 > 0:26:00SHE FARTS "LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY"
0:26:00 > 0:26:03But whatever you do, don't pull her finger!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08That was entertaining. Far better than that movie rubbish.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- And much, much cheaper. - Now, steady on, Quentin!
0:26:12 > 0:26:18I don't think this is Quentin at all. The sausage, the sweating.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21All the talk of money. It can only be...
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Yeah, Larry Weinstein-Berger! It was me all along.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29But...but why, Larry?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Because I'm sick of paying for your lamebrained ideas, that's why.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36None of them are any good, and they all cost me millions.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38And now the latest, The History Of The Universe,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41shot entirely on location in space!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44The costs are literally out of this world.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46So I thought I'd distract you a little
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- by talking about your favourite subject...- Us.- Us.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Exactly. So, while I get the crew to close the set...
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I'm axing the film and I'm axing you.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02And I never want to hear another one of your ideas ever again, capisce?!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- That's a real shame, Larry. - We've saved our best idea till last.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Really?
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Oh, well, you see, we play two brilliant
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- but misunderstood movie stars. - Don't forget handsome.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17We play two brilliant, handsome but misunderstood movie stars,
0:27:17 > 0:27:21who have to try and outwit their mean and devious boss...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Don't forget hideously ugly!
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Oh, yes, outwit their mean and devious and hideously ugly boss
0:27:27 > 0:27:29into backing their lamebrained ideas
0:27:29 > 0:27:31and handing over large wodges of cash.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36'That is the most pointless, useless, hopeless, fatuous,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39'specious numb-boned idea I've ever heard...'
0:27:39 > 0:27:40I love it!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44THEY GIBBER AND CHEER
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Here's the money!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Go, Diddy Movies. Yeah! #