0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger The Diddy Movies boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# His last few films have flopped With catastrophic money loss
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# So he's ditching Diddy Movies For the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future For those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity Style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:29 > 0:00:34# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Well, if you have just a minute to spare, you can
0:00:37 > 0:00:41watch this next programme twice and another half times.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Argh!- Urgh!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52DOM SCREAMS
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Argh!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58What do I do? What do I do?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Put it back in! Just put it back in!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Where? Where?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I don't know. Where did you get it from?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I can't remember. In there somewhere.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Oh, give it here.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10ALARM BLARES
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- Ah, high-five.- Yeah.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15We're good at this.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Well, it's your turn to be the casualty now, as your eyes
0:01:20 > 0:01:23and ears have to suffer Diddy Who.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26MUSIC: Doctor Who Theme
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Fear not, leader of the Silly Hats, for I,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40the Diddy, Lord of the Time-wasters, have defeated the evil Robucket...
0:01:40 > 0:01:47Hang on a minute! Where's he gone? He was right there.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49SHE SCREAMS
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I think you've squashed them.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Oh, that's just great.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57What a complete waste of us risking our lives.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02He can hardly reward us now. Looks like I'll need my sonic toothbrush.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05HE GRUNTS
0:02:05 > 0:02:09You do realise that'll do nothing, right? It's just a toothbrush.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Wait! We've got a time machine.
0:02:12 > 0:02:17We can go back in time and not squash him. Back to the tin can.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Fear not, leader of the Silly Hats, for I, the Diddy,
0:02:25 > 0:02:30have defeated the evil Robucket and... Argh!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Obbledy-gobbledy ookie-gook, you've squashed him again!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Come on, further back.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Three weeks should do it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Ah, brilliant. Ahem.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Fear not, leader of the Silly Hats, for I, the Diddy,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55have defeated the...
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Diddy? Diddy Who? I've never heard of you.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- But I have defeated the evil... - No, you haven't. He's right here.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04SHE SCREAMS
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Stop doing that!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Come on, back to the tin can.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20Diddy, this is Blackpool Pier. How will this help us defeat Robucket?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24It won't. Too much like hard work, all that. Let's get chips instead.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Ace!
0:03:26 > 0:03:33MUSIC: Doctor Who Theme
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Oh, great stuff, eh, Mr Stockholm? What do you say to that?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41- I say, where's the hedge trimmer? - Sorry?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- HE SHOUTS:- Where's the hedge trimmer?- Why would you say that?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Because I only came round to borrow your hedge trimmer
0:03:47 > 0:03:49and that was four hours ago.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Sausage?- No, thank you.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Have you been injured at work in the last few months?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01No? Would you like to be?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Then call our Personal Injury Experts right now.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Whether you want to be spanged on your head with a frying pan
0:04:09 > 0:04:12or have your toes squashed by a runaway chair,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Personal Injury Experts, we're on your side.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20And, remember, no wince, no fee.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"Thank you for the music," sang ABBA.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25They'll be taking that back after Diddy Pops.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Greetings, greetings, greetings and welcome to Diddy Pops.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Tonight, we have the band that is taking the globe by storm.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Please, give it up for the undeniably wonderful
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Diddy Dom And The Jitters.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50# Look at me
0:04:50 > 0:04:56# I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree
0:04:56 > 0:04:58# I'm walking on a cloud
0:04:58 > 0:05:01# I can't understand love
0:05:01 > 0:05:07# I'm Misty, holding your hand
0:05:07 > 0:05:12# You can say that you're leading me on
0:05:12 > 0:05:17# But it's just what I want you to do
0:05:17 > 0:05:23# Don't you know that's how hopelessly I'm lost
0:05:23 > 0:05:29# That's why I'm following you
0:05:29 > 0:05:35# Should I wander through this wonderland alone now
0:05:35 > 0:05:38# Never knowing my right foot from my left
0:05:38 > 0:05:41# My hat from my gloves
0:05:41 > 0:05:47# I'm Misty, too much in love
0:05:47 > 0:05:50# You can say that you're... #
0:05:50 > 0:05:54CYMBALS CRASH
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Problem?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Now, meet the presenter who's built his entire career on nothing
0:06:05 > 0:06:08but mindless guesswork.
0:06:08 > 0:06:1522 identical numbered boxes, 75,000 insects, but just one question.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Bees or no bees?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Let's welcome today's contestant, Ethel Sideways.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Ethel, welcome to The Honey Factory.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Now, what's it like to live through your most important day?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- You mean when I married my Bill? - No, you silly woman.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- You're on Bees Or No Bees, this is the most important day.- Oh, right.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- I'm dead stoked.- OK, well, it's time to make the first choice.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Now, remember, Ethel,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46some of these boxes contain life-changing amounts of cash
0:06:46 > 0:06:51and some of these boxes contain life-changing amounts of bees.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Well, I have a strategy, Barry.- Mm.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I like the shape of the number eight, so let's have box 8, please.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Well, now it's time to make things a little bit more interesting,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04because it's time to open some boxes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Well, my favourite shape's a triangle and that's got three sides,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11so box number 3, please.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Ethel, I hope you're right.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I am, there are definitely three sides on a triangle.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- No, I mean... Oh, just open the box. - Good luck, Ethel.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Oh, no!- Aw!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- I don't believe it. Ethel, I'm so sorry.- No!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30That's a wad of cash out of the game,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32so just take that to my dressing room.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34PHONE RINGS
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Ah, now, let's see what the beekeeper has to say.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Hello?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Yeah, no, I don't know where they get them from either. Oh, right, OK.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Right. We've never had a game like this before.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Lots of very similar ones, of course,
0:07:50 > 0:07:55but not an exact match is what I'm trying to say.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57What is it? What's he offering?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01OK, well, the beekeeper says you can open box number 9 right now,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04as long as you agree to smear your face with jam first.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05GASPING
0:08:05 > 0:08:07What should I do?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10THEY SHOUT DEAL
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Deal.
0:08:16 > 0:08:22OK, Ethel, so, bees or no bees?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24BEES BUZZ
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Bees!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- CHEERING - Oh, no!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Well done, Ethel, you've hit the jackpot.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33You've won a quarter of a million angry bees.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35SHE SCREAMS
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Join us again next time for another exciting game.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Now run for your lives!
0:08:40 > 0:08:41SCREAMING
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Don't sting little Barry!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47And there's more injuries in prospect right now,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49on Diddy Dragons.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Next into the den are two entrepreneurs hoping to wow
0:08:55 > 0:08:59the Dragons with their new invention.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Ahem.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06HE WHEEZES
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Hello, Diddy Dragons.
0:09:08 > 0:09:14I'm Corn Flake and this is my business partner Freddy Dweet.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Erm...
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Bums!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'm doing it!
0:09:21 > 0:09:2698% of the world have a bum and at any one time,
0:09:26 > 0:09:3091% of those bums are itchy.
0:09:30 > 0:09:36But what if Freddy was to have both of his hands full at the same time?
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- May we introduce to you... - Bum Scratcher 3,000.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43The Bum Scratcher 3,000.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47When you're feeling potty, it will scratch your botty.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51It's solar-powered, environmentally friendly and totally heat-seeking,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55as Freddy will now demonstrate.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Ow! Argh! Ow!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Sorry, just a few minor teething problems.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Argh! Ow! Argh!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12We're looking for 200,000, plus club card points.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13CROWD BOOS
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I knew you shouldn't have worn that shirt. Leg it!
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Join us next week, when someone invents nuclear plates.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- Brilliant!- Great. Now, about this hedgetrimmer...
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Mr Stockholm, you are not leaving until we find a programme you like.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Yeah, well, that one. I really like that one.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- Really? What did you like about it? - Erm...
0:10:38 > 0:10:42The Bum Scratcher? Well, everything. It's really, really good.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44It's really clever.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47It'll revolutionise the way that we scratch bums.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I'm not sure I believe you, Mr Stockholm.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Look, that television programme is the best television programme
0:10:54 > 0:10:55I've ever seen.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Really?- Yes. - Then, what was it called?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- That one?- Yes.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- It was Diddy.- Yes?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Diddy-diddy Bum-bum.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Settle in, Mr Stockholm. At this rate, you'll never leave.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16MR STOCKHOLM WHIMPERS
0:11:22 > 0:11:25But we do know that if you don't collect them all...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Ghost-bones, Straw-beard, Dragon-cheeks, Spikey-eye,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Flying-bat thing.
0:11:32 > 0:11:38Hundreds of near-identical plastic lumps for you
0:11:38 > 0:11:40to obsessively accumulate.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Hold them! Line them up! Waggle them!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Put them away again!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48We don't care! As long as you collect them up!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Every! Last! One!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Hairy-wart, Leopard-monkey, Shape-a-lump, Thing, Argh!
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Moe!
0:12:06 > 0:12:11Mum, I need some money!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15It's the Belch!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17CHEERING
0:12:34 > 0:12:40SHE BELCHES ALPHABET
0:12:44 > 0:12:47APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:00GASPING
0:13:00 > 0:13:02You're going to be a star!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04CHEERING
0:13:10 > 0:13:14That's it! I can't take any more, let me borrow your hedgetrimmer.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Fine! There you go!
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Don't know why I have it, really, I don't even have a hedge.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Me neither.- Then, what do you want a hedge trimmer for?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Ah. Thank you, Mr Weinsteinberger, you're a life-saver.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Now, can I go home now, please?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Well, that's about all we've got the stomach for today.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42So, it just remains for us to spend four hours in a darkened room
0:13:42 > 0:13:44with a cold flannel on our heads.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Goodbye.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:13:48 > 0:13:52# Channel 6597423
0:13:52 > 0:13:55# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:55 > 0:13:58# It's Diddy Dick And Dom's Diddy TV
0:14:01 > 0:14:04# Diddy Dick And Dom's Diddy TV. #