0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger The Diddy Movies boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# His last few films have flopped With catastrophic money loss
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# So he's ditching Diddy Movies For the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future For those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity Style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hello, and first on Diddy TV we go to the local city hospital, where
0:00:38 > 0:00:42the hard-working and dedicated staff have all taken the day off.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55DICK CHUCKLES
0:00:56 > 0:00:58DICK SINGS
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10DOM MUTTERS
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Argh!
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Argh!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36EXPLOSION
0:01:38 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:54Please welcome TV's Mr Cupid, Paddy Yourmate.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Hello, and welcome to It's A Date,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59the show that shows people how to fall in love
0:01:59 > 0:02:02in the relaxed environment of prime-time television.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Let's welcome to the stage our first contestant,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08it's Zane from somewhere.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Come on out here, Zane.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Zane from somewhere, welcome to the show.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Haven't you got a funny story about something?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- Yes!- Let's play It's A Date.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Now, Zane, behind this screen are three potential dates for you.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And, can I just say, I really want you to find true love.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Never really found it myself, you see. It's hard in this day and age.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33HE SOBS
0:02:33 > 0:02:35No-one loves me.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Now, as always, Zane,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42you get to pick your potential partner by only seeing their feet.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Now, will love blossom like a flower
0:02:44 > 0:02:47or crash and burn like a meteor shower?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48We're all rooting for you, Zane.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Fire away with your first question. - Hello, number one.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54What do you want?!
0:02:54 > 0:03:00Oh, erm, erm, I'm a lot like Cheddar cheese because I'm mature
0:03:00 > 0:03:04and tasty. What kind of cheese are you like and why?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Stupid question, shove off.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11All right, not to worry, Zane, maybe number two will be the one.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Hello, number two.- Hi, Zane.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Now, I like sausages...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22No, sorry, I'm a vegetarian.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23AUDIENCE: Aww...
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Zaney, Zaney, Zaney, deary me.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Look, hang in there, because I can feel the love in the air,
0:03:28 > 0:03:29I can almost touch it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36- Hello, number three.- Hello, Zane, it's amazing to meet you.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Oh, actually, they sound quite nice.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43I like cats because they're soft, sweet and PURRfect.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45What kind of animal is your favourite?
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- I like cats too, snap!- Really?
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Oh, oh, in that case, I'd like to date number three, please.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Oh, Zane, you ARE keen. Hold on, you've got two more questions left.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03- No point, I'm in love.- No, you can't be, no! I'm not having this.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- You know what? Number three, you're disqualified.- Eh?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09AUDIENCE SCREAMS
0:04:09 > 0:04:13All this talk of love and dating and all getting together -
0:04:13 > 0:04:16oh, lovey-dovey - I'm not having it, right?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17If I can't date anyone, no-one can.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Pick number one.- No!- Do it.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23All right, I'll pick number one.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- APPLAUSE - Yay! It's a date!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Zane, meet Samantha.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33AUDIENCE: Ooh.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You know what? I can't wait to see how you two get on.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41Join us next time for more magical matchmaking in It's A Date.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48This is brilliant, Larry, real edge-of-your-seat stuff.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I'm always on the edge of my seat.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Well, maybe you should get a bigger seat.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55You're right, Stampy, that's what I love about you,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57you're always so enthusiastic about everything.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Well, what's the point in being a Grumpy Graham
0:04:59 > 0:05:01when you can be a Charlie Chuckles?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Or a Stampy Longnose.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Exactly. - You're the perfect Diddy TV viewer.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10You'll watch any old twaddle with a smile on your face.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I will, anything, anything at all. Even, I don't know, even...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- A perfume advert about water? - Oh, I can't wait.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Oh, why can't they all be like him?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20FLATULENCE
0:05:21 > 0:05:22OPERATIC SINGING
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Water by Norris Isaac Furneaux.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Because you smell perfect...
0:05:32 > 0:05:33just the way you are.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Oof!
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Literally just tap water, £75. Postage and packaging - £200.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Il fait tres brouillard aujourd'hui.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47You're watching Diddy TV.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Why?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54APPLAUSE
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Greetings, greetings, greetings and welcome to Diddy Pops.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Tonight we have a very, very special treat.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Pounding the charts. Oh, I love this one.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Please make as much noise as you possibly can
0:06:07 > 0:06:10for Diddy Dom & the Jitters.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:19# I sit and wait
0:06:21 > 0:06:25# Does an angel
0:06:25 > 0:06:28# Contemplate my fate?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34# And do they know
0:06:34 > 0:06:36# The places where we go
0:06:37 > 0:06:41# When we're grey and old?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47# Cos I have been told
0:06:47 > 0:06:50# That salvation
0:06:50 > 0:06:54# Lets their wings unfold
0:06:57 > 0:06:59# So when I'm lying in my bed
0:07:01 > 0:07:03# Thoughts running through my head
0:07:04 > 0:07:06# And I feel that love is dead
0:07:08 > 0:07:11# I'm loving angels instead
0:07:12 > 0:07:14# And through it aa... #
0:07:16 > 0:07:17No!
0:07:17 > 0:07:18MOO!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Om-nom.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Next, Up Diddy Creek.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36This is the most dangerous situation I've ever been in.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40In this clearing is the most ferocious
0:07:40 > 0:07:45and largest family of tigers in the world, so let's get a little closer.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47TIGERS GROWL
0:07:48 > 0:07:53The tigers are highly territorial and very, very grumpy.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56The slightest sound could result in being eaten alive.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58THEY CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Ah-ah-ah...- Oh, no!- Ahh...
0:08:02 > 0:08:03HE STOPS
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- Ahh... - HE STOPS
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Tigers can hear the slightest sound up to a mile away.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I'm now going in to approach the alpha male in total silence.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Argh! - HIS SCREAM ECHOES
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Argh...
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Ahh...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41TIGER GROWLS
0:08:41 > 0:08:43PHONE RINGS
0:08:43 > 0:08:45STAMPEDE APPROACHES
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Hello? - HE SCREAMS
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Now's not the best time to talk, Mother.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53HE SCREAMS
0:08:53 > 0:08:54And from tigers to dragons.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02The entrepreneurs are back in the den, this time hoping to get
0:09:02 > 0:09:07cash from the dragons for an intriguing new smartphone.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09He-hem.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10He-hem.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14He-hem.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Hello, Diddy Dragons.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25I'm Corn Flake and this is my business partner, Freddie Dweet.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Erm...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Erm.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Muck!- I'm doing it!
0:09:33 > 0:09:3781% of people have missed a message on their phone
0:09:37 > 0:09:41and 90% of people hate getting covered in muck.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43So, presenting...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45The iMuck.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47The iMuck.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52If hearing your phone is tricky, this will get you icky,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54as Freddie will demonstrate.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56PHONE VIBRATES
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Now, if Freddie doesn't pick up the message within two seconds...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03he gets a gentle reminder.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Sorry, just insy-winsy teething problems.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14We're looking for 500,000 and our bus fares home.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17JEERING
0:10:19 > 0:10:22No wonder they didn't invest, look at the state of you.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Join us next time, when someone turns ordinary Wi-Fi
0:10:26 > 0:10:27into a bar of soap.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Oh, cool, I wish I had one of them. - What?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34A telephone that squirts muck in your eye?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Yeah, because I've already got a laptop that shoots fire and
0:10:36 > 0:10:39a toaster that plays the national anthem. The trinity is complete.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Amazing.- Yeah.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44HE HUMS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Bing!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48No, it's amazing you're still watching.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Most people have switched off by now.- How could they?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- I never want this to stop. - You like it that much?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Well, no, you see, my mum said I have to de-gunk the fridge
0:10:56 > 0:10:58when I get home, so I don't want it to end.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Bring it on.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Are you collecting them all? Well, answer me! Then, well done, you.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10Because, guess what? We just found out girls have money too.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Introducing...
0:11:14 > 0:11:19Soppy Fuffle, Wuv Monkey, Flutter Butter, Sparkle Pink, Pinky Bum.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23They love you, they want to hug you, cuddle you
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and spray rainbows from their mouths right into your face.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Crumby Trumpet, Shy Giggle,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Licky Kitty, Nibble Toes, don't collect them
0:11:35 > 0:11:38because you have to, collect them because you want to and
0:11:38 > 0:11:43because, if you don't, their hearts will break and they will die.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Mum, cash, now!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52APPLAUSE
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Yo, yo, yo!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Hey.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09R&B MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:11 > 0:12:13HE BELCHES ALONG TO THE MUSIC
0:12:13 > 0:12:14CHEERING
0:12:22 > 0:12:24CUCKOO CALLS
0:12:24 > 0:12:26BELCHING CONTINUES
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Three, two, one.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32ELECTRONIC SPARKING
0:12:41 > 0:12:44FIRE ALARM SOUNDS
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Ooh-whee! Man, I just gots to try that again.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53CHEERING
0:12:54 > 0:12:56So, Stampy, what did you think of that?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59That's my flagship show, that is -
0:12:59 > 0:13:01competitive belching and swivel chairs.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I don't know why no-one's ever thought of it before.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09- Well, it was great-ish, I suppose. - Just great-ish?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12But you're Stampy Longnose, you're enthusiastic about everything.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I feel a bit dizzy. I don't know what's happening to me.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19All right, it was awful. I mean, really awful.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Nobody wants to watch people belching.- Stampy!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Or doctors electrocuting each other, or a singing dog.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- There hasn't been a singing dog. - Well, there might as well have been.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31This TV station should be shut down permanently.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34If you excuse me, I have to go and de-gunk a fridge.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- But there must be something about it you like.- Yeah, the end.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Well, they're coming for us now,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45so once again time to destroy all the evidence and leg it.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:13:48 > 0:13:52# Channel 6597423
0:13:52 > 0:13:55# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:55 > 0:13:58# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:14:02 > 0:14:04# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #