0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger the Diddy Movies boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future for those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity, style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Diddy TV Diddy TV
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hello. I can't think of a better way to start than a big Hollywood movie,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41which is why it's so disappointing to have to show this instead.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48La-la-la! Emergency! Emergency!
0:00:48 > 0:00:49THEY GRUNT
0:00:49 > 0:00:51HE SCREAMS
0:00:51 > 0:00:53New emergency! New emergency!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Get it. - DOG BARKS
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Oi, give me that leg.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Oi, give me that leg. - DOG BARKS
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- Oi, give me that leg. - DOG BARKS
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Give it here. Give it here!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Aha!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10FANFARE
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Right, now...
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Not that one, not that one,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15not that one... Oh!
0:01:17 > 0:01:18(Oh.)
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Aha! Right, now, sir,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23you might feel a little scratch.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25BANGING, MAN MOANS
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Ooh!- Good as new.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Next!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35How DO they make 24 seconds feel like a week?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38More unsolved mysteries now in Crimediddy.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Right. Why-aye. Bye.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Haway. And naebody move.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Welcome to Crimediddy, with me,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Diddy Detective Inspector Harry Batt.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Now this week, we, the police - that's me -
0:01:57 > 0:02:00need your help - that's you -
0:02:00 > 0:02:04in tracking down a particularly sneaky furniture villain.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Let's take a look at this reconstruction of his latest attack.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09This is Mildred.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12She enjoys noting more than sitting in her favourite armchair
0:02:12 > 0:02:14watching chocolate melt in the microwave.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15DING!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Last Wednesday, Mildred nipped off for a cuppa.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Ooh!
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Oh.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Let's see that again in slow-motion.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Not cos we need to - just cos it's funny, like.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Some of the more keen-eyed amongst you might have spotted
0:02:35 > 0:02:36something missing there.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Take another look.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Before.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42After.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45That's right. Some cheeky gadgie has taken the chair.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Mildred managed to get a brief look at the suspect
0:02:48 > 0:02:51and gave wor police artist a description,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53from which we've made this Photofit.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Oh, man. That's the armchair, isn't it? Eh?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It's not the suspect.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Cannae get the staff.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Where's wor desk?!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:14I reckon this furniture thief is somewhere here in this studio.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16RUSTLING
0:03:16 > 0:03:18There he is!
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Hey!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Aye, I recognise him from the Photofit.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24And that's wor trolley an' all, man.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Right, come here.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28You're under the influence of the law now, son.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29You're nicked, so shut it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Right. Now, remember -
0:03:31 > 0:03:34crimes like this, where thieves dress up as armchairs,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37are very, very rare indeed.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39But if you divvent want to have nightmares
0:03:39 > 0:03:42then the best way round that is never to gan to sleep.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44So...
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Stop it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46..until the next time,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48mind how you gan.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50GRUNTING
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Great stuff, eh, Mr Stockholm?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Another criminal off the streets.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Mm, yes, well, I am relieved about that.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59That's what we in the Neighbourhood Watch like to see, after all.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00I knew you'd be pleased.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Mm, well, "pleased" is a bit strong, Mr Weinsteinberger,
0:04:04 > 0:04:05but why am I here?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Well, that's a big question, Mr Stockholm.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- When two people who love each other very much...- Oh, no, no, no.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I mean why am I here in this house with you, watching telly?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Well, you said you were in the Neighbourhood Watch?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- I am.- Well, you're in my neighbourhood...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25so...
0:04:25 > 0:04:26watch.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27HE LAUGHS
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Neighbourhood Watch!- I got it.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34On a cold, wet day...
0:04:35 > 0:04:42..what could be better than a nice cup full of Diddy Tomato Ketchup?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Mm.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Tomato ketchup.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50HOVIS ADVERT MUSIC
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Mm!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Ketchup!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56SLURPING
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Ooh!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Tomato ketchup.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Mmmmm...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Ketchup!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Ooorgh!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Tomato ketchup!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Oo-o-o-oh...
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Ketchup.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18BELCH!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20He's lovely.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Now the show that gives a new lease of life to classic old songs,
0:05:26 > 0:05:27before burying them.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Greetings, greetings, greetings,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36and welcome once more to Diddy Pops.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Tonight, a croon sensation. Cro-o-on.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Ladies, get ready to melt.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Performing live, it's Diddy Dom And The Jitters.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47CHEERING
0:05:53 > 0:05:57# There may be trouble ahead
0:05:58 > 0:06:05# But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance
0:06:05 > 0:06:07# Let's face the music and dance
0:06:10 > 0:06:12# Before the fiddlers have fled
0:06:14 > 0:06:18# Before they ask us to pay the bill
0:06:18 > 0:06:22# And while we still have the chance
0:06:23 > 0:06:26# Let's face the music and dance
0:06:27 > 0:06:32# Soon we'll be without the moon
0:06:32 > 0:06:36# Humming a different tune, and then
0:06:36 > 0:06:39# There may be teardrops to shed
0:06:41 > 0:06:48# So while there's moonlight and music and love and romance
0:06:48 > 0:06:51# Let's face the music and... #
0:06:51 > 0:06:53CRASH!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Now then, what's this?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05'This is The Box.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07'Got a problem with that?'
0:07:10 > 0:07:16So, Raymond, the next game is for 50,000 sweetcorns.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18HE MUNCHES LOUDLY
0:07:25 > 0:07:29'Raymond, you must start a new toilet roll by picking
0:07:29 > 0:07:31'the end of the loo paper free,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33'without tearing it.'
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Oooh!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Tricky!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Remember, you don't have to do it
0:07:43 > 0:07:45but, if you don't,
0:07:45 > 0:07:46I eat you.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Erm...could I simplify?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Have some of that.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Better?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02OK, so, take on The Box.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05CLUNK
0:08:05 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Let's take another look at that,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13embarrassingly slowly.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14CLUNK
0:08:14 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Well, that's all we've got time for today on...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22The Box.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Oh, it must be great being in the Neighbourhood Watch.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Mr Stockholm, imagine getting to watch shows like that all day,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- every day.- Oh, imagine.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Mr Weinsteinberger, I think
0:08:35 > 0:08:37you've got the wrong end of the stick there.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Not again. Last time that happened, I ended up wrestling a dog.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- I won.- Hm. Well done, you.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46But being in the Neighbourhood Watch doesn't mean
0:08:46 > 0:08:47I sit around watching telly all day.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Oh, then do you stand and watch telly instead?- No!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Oh, that's a pity cos you're missing out on some great programmes,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55just like this...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57No-o-o-o.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Let's join today's two contestants getting ready
0:09:05 > 0:09:07to take on a jungle trial.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Is that camera on us?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- No, no, really, is it on us? Yes? - Yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- Good. We're doing... - All this for charity,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16and not at all that we want to get famous again.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Famous, what's famous?- No idea.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Brian and Kirk, are you ready for your jungle trial?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Oh. I mean, do we have to?
0:09:24 > 0:09:25You can pass the trial on...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- BOTH:- No, no, no, no!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29We'll do it, we'll do it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Your jungle trial today is Facehugger.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Facehugger? Sounds scary.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Think of all the followers. - (Oh, yeah.)
0:09:41 > 0:09:44To win your stars, you must let a flesh-eating spider
0:09:44 > 0:09:47sit on your face for 20 seconds.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48HE WHIMPERS
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Come on, then.- Come on, then.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- On the face.- Go on the face. - On the nose.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Come, come, come, come.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Come on, spider. Down you poppy.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58SCREAMING
0:09:58 > 0:10:00SHRIEKING
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, this isn't going to get us trending, is it?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07No, there's not even a scratch on us.
0:10:07 > 0:10:13Oh, come on, you useless thing. We want to break the internet. Mwah.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15SCREAMING AND CHEWING
0:10:15 > 0:10:17It's eating my head!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I know, it's brilliant, isn't it?
0:10:20 > 0:10:21SHRIEKING
0:10:21 > 0:10:22That's all we've got time for today
0:10:22 > 0:10:26on I'm Not A Celebrity, Get Me Into There.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Look, cameraman, do not zoom out on us.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Join us next time when the celebrities will poke
0:10:31 > 0:10:34an angry lion with a stick to try and make it like them.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Oi, come back, its hairy leg's gone up me nostril.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Coming up next on Diddy TV, The Belch, but coming up right now,
0:10:43 > 0:10:44The Trump.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45PARP!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It's not always easy getting out,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51getting around,
0:10:51 > 0:10:52when you're old.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Even the simplest of tasks can seem like a challenge.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59WIND HOWLS
0:11:02 > 0:11:06That's why we need your help.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07We can change this.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Just £5 will help us build a granny catapult.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Aargh!
0:11:15 > 0:11:19And not just grannies -
0:11:19 > 0:11:21grandads, and maiden aunts, too.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Waagh!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26As the old proverb says,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day,
0:11:29 > 0:11:34"but give a granny a catapult and watch her vanish into thin air."
0:11:34 > 0:11:37So send £5, or whatever you can.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Thank you!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Now I've got this next show down as a talent programme.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Someone's got a sense of humour(!)
0:11:47 > 0:11:48CHEERING
0:11:48 > 0:11:50It's The Belch.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09THEY BELCH A TUNE
0:12:09 > 0:12:10CHEERING
0:12:13 > 0:12:14CHEERING
0:12:14 > 0:12:16HE JOINS IN THE BELCHING
0:12:18 > 0:12:19CHEERING
0:12:19 > 0:12:21THEY JOIN IN THE BELCHING
0:12:25 > 0:12:26HE BEATBOXES
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Woohoo! You girls is on fire.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35CHEERING
0:12:36 > 0:12:37You're going to be stars.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39TOOT-TOOT
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Hm.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48I see you're enjoying yourself at last, Mr Stockholm.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Water cooler telly, eh?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52The words you're looking for are "car crash telly",
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Mr Weinsteinberger.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56You haven't enjoyed a single show.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I don't know why you even bothered coming round here, Mr Stockholm.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I'm Neighbourhood Watch, Mr Weinsteinberger,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03and someone reported a crime coming from this very house.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05What? Where?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Coming out of your television.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Your shows are crimes against TV. I'm making a citizen's arrest.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Of me?- No, of your telly.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Mr TV, I'm arresting you on suspicion of pumping out guff
0:13:15 > 0:13:16all day long.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18You better come quietly.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19PARP!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21And that brings us all here at Diddy TV
0:13:21 > 0:13:23another step closer to unemployment.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Goodbye.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28# Diddy TV Diddy TV
0:13:28 > 0:13:31# Channel 6597423
0:13:31 > 0:13:34# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:34 > 0:13:38# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:13:41 > 0:13:44# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #