0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future for those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity, style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:26# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm having a new lawnmower delivered today.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41While we wait, watch this.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- Hello!- Hello!- Hello!- Hello! - Hello!- Hello!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- Hello!- And welcome to The Great British Take Off.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- This week's challenge is to... - Take off.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58..and propel yourself as high in the air as you possibly can.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00But who are the pick of the pilots?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- Yes!- The aeronautical aces?- Exactly! - The fantastic flyers?- Enough!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- The plane perfect people? - I said enough!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Let's meet them.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Hi, my name's Dave, and I want to reach new heights.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Hi, I'm Edith. I want to soar!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Spanners! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I feel like spring is in the air.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- Not again.- I hope you've all eaten a good...launch.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Because!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32We're ready to go.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Ready. Steady.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35- Take off!- Take off.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Dave's creation is a finely-tuned, spring-loaded solution -
0:01:41 > 0:01:44his Wangamatic 900.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- All right! Dave.- Ooh! Oh.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Yeah, I...I just need...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Boom! - Aaaaaaargh!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Looks like there's a few kinks to work out there, Dave.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57'Edith's idea is bird-based.'
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Oh! Hello, Edith. - Hello, Sally.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Oh! They look dead soft.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04A...A...choo!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Oh! Bless me.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Ten seconds left!
0:02:11 > 0:02:18So-o-o-o-o, whose design will launch them to the title "Take Off Master"?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- Absolutely criminal.- Yes. You've allowed your feathers to flop.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Will Dave fare any better?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30BOING
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- Huh? - You needed more coil.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Will Nigel's plan get off the ground?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44That is a great effort. Great.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52So we have a winner.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And, for the losers, it's time to...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Take off!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- DAVE AND EDITH:- Aaaaaaaargh!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- Goodbye.- Goodbye.- Goodbye. - Three, two, one...
0:03:03 > 0:03:04- Goodbye.- Goodbye.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Goodbye.- Forget it.- Goodbye!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Check out the new Mega-Thunder Zponge!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Now in neon orange! Yeah!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Wash a window!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Clean a car!
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Wash a window AND clean a car at the same time!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Is it just a regular sponge dyed bright orange?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Heck, yeah! - Heck, yeah!
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Use with the Mega-Blaster Zbucket for maximum accuracy!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Zbucket - it's the receptacle everyone's talking about!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41And, for more Zponge fun, introducing all-new Zuds!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43They're bubbles, but not as you know them!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Zponge. Don't forget to dunk!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Zponge available in all good retailers and one or two bad ones.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Do not eat Zponge, it'll turn your poo orange.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Premium drama now, with Downton Moggy.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00HE RINGS BELL
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Ah, Catson. There you are.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I wanted to check something with you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- My life's brilliant, isn't it?- Sir.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Yes. I thought so.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I mean, I am the cat with the biggest house in the land.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16You're the ONLY cat with a house in all the land.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I can't help it if no other moggies have been left
0:04:20 > 0:04:23a stinking great mansion after their owners have croaked it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Now, time for my morning wash.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Mmm. There we are. Nice and clean.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Ugh! - Something wrong, sir?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Who's done that?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43And all over my favourite antique scratch mat!
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I did. And I enjoyed it immensely.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Hmmmm... Countess Tiddles.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I've run out of milk, so I thought I'd come over for some lunch.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Well, lunch isn't served for another hour.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Lunch is served, sir.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Well done, Catson.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01(I despise that woman.)
0:05:06 > 0:05:08What is this creation?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Chunky meat in gravy, madam.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13From a pouch.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh. Indeed.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18CATSON CHOKES Breathe, Catson.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I can't lose you!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I don't know how to do the washing up. Here!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24THUMP!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Ah! Thank goodness. It was only a furball.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Oh. A fancy truffle.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Take the day off, Catson.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Climb the curtains if you like.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Next time on Downton Moggy, Lord Meowtham gets stuck up a tree.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Meow!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And Catson gets worms.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Stunned into silence, eh, Mr Choosy?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Tell me straight. What did you really think?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58SLAPSTICK MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:58 > 0:06:00POP!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I'll take that as a "Five stars! Let's see more."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05You're in luck, Mr Choosy.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09You're watching Diddy TV.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Well, you've got the telly on this channel, anyway.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14How am I supposed to know if you're actually watching it?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Hello, and welcome to...
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Diddypops! Yes.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26At number one in the Diddy Charts, for 19 weeks running,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28it's "Yo! Mr Bully"
0:06:28 > 0:06:30# Here we go, here we go, here we go
0:06:30 > 0:06:31# If your idea of fun
0:06:31 > 0:06:33# Is giving a dead leg to a geek
0:06:33 > 0:06:35# You probably think you're super cool
0:06:35 > 0:06:36# But really you're just weak
0:06:36 > 0:06:38# Your mates, if you can call them that,
0:06:38 > 0:06:39# Will laugh at all you do
0:06:39 > 0:06:43# But they just follow you around cos they're as scared as you
0:06:43 > 0:06:44# Yo! Mr Bully
0:06:44 > 0:06:46# You think you're big and brave
0:06:46 > 0:06:47# But you're simply a Neanderthal
0:06:47 > 0:06:49# So get back to your cave
0:06:49 > 0:06:51# Yo! Mr Bully
0:06:51 > 0:06:52# You think you're big and brave
0:06:52 > 0:06:54# But you're simply a Neanderthal
0:06:54 > 0:06:56# So get back to your cave
0:06:56 > 0:06:57# You like spreading misery
0:06:57 > 0:06:58# You can't be arithmetic
0:06:58 > 0:07:02# Or you'd have calculated that you're totally pathetic
0:07:02 > 0:07:03# And here's a final word to the wise
0:07:03 > 0:07:05# You sad old lump of dross
0:07:05 > 0:07:08# The person that you're bullying may one day be your boss
0:07:08 > 0:07:10# Yo! Mr Bully
0:07:10 > 0:07:11# Bully! Bully!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13# Bu-bu-bu-bu-bully!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16# Yo! Mr Bully
0:07:16 > 0:07:18# Bully! Bully!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21# Bu-bu-bu-bu-bully!
0:07:21 > 0:07:22# Yo! Mr Bully
0:07:22 > 0:07:24# You think you're big and brave
0:07:24 > 0:07:26# But you're simply a Neanderthal
0:07:26 > 0:07:27# So get back to your cave
0:07:27 > 0:07:29# Yo! Mr Bully
0:07:29 > 0:07:30# You think you're big and brave
0:07:30 > 0:07:32# But you're simply a Neanderthal
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# So get back to your cave
0:07:34 > 0:07:37# Yo! # APPLAUSE
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Day 1,469 in the Diddy Brother house, and...
0:07:41 > 0:07:42BIFF! WHACK! THUMP!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- SIGH - Ow!- Ow!- Ow!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Just look at them. WHACK! THUD! POW!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Ow!- Ow!- Ow! - 'This is Diddy Brother.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Would Susan please come to the Diary Room.'
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Oh, me! How exciting! Ha-ha!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- WHACK! THUMP! THUD! - Ow!- Ow!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Hello, Susan. - Hello, Diddy Brother.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Thanks for inviting me to the Diary Room.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I've got so much, today's been such a crazy day!
0:08:10 > 0:08:14So this morning I woke up at 7:45, which is strange for me,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- because I normally wake up at 7:42. - DIDDY BROTHER SIGHS
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Anyway, it was a good thing,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20because otherwise I'd have missed the shadow on the wall.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23It looked just like my Auntie Sandra's wonky toenail.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- You know the one she scares cats with?- Uh, no. No, I don't know,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I've never met your Auntie Sandra. I mean, why...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31..up and down, and 17 times left and right. Like this!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Yes, could you... please, stop doing that, please.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Yeah, could you stop doing that, Susan, please?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Oh, and then I went to have a cup of tea in my "You don't have to
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"be mad to live here, but it helps" mug.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Hee-hee. Because it was a Tuesday. - O-o-o-o-o-oh.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Or was it a Wednesday?- Please, stop. Stop.- Oh, Wednesday -
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- that's a funny word, isn't it? - Please, stop it. Make it stop!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Not as funny as Thursday, though. - Oh, shut up. Please, just shut up,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- shut up, shut up!- Thurs-day. Thurs-day. Ha-ha-ha!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Can Susan please leave the Diary Room, NOW, please?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02And it was lunch and I wanted baked beans,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- but we only had spaghetti hoops. - Susan!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Could you now leave the Diary Room, PLEASE?!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09The ring pull broke and the spaghetti hoops were trapped.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Uuuuuuugh! Will you LEAVE the Diary Room, PLEASE? NOW!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- WHACK! WHACK! - Oi!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Get out! Get out! Get out! WHACK! WHACK!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Oi!- OUT! WHACK!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- Aaaaargh! - CRASH!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24And...stay...OUT!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Just between you and me, did you enjoy that?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32SLAPSTICK MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:33 > 0:09:34POP!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Well, if you enjoyed that, and I'm taking that as enjoyment, coming
0:09:38 > 0:09:42up next I've got something that'll really make you blow your top.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Again.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Now, it's Diddy Roadshow, here at the home of turning literally
0:09:46 > 0:09:48any old junk into a TV format.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Hello, and welcome to this week's Diddy Roadshow.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00And have we got some treasures to show you today.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03And so to our first objet...
0:10:03 > 0:10:04..of the day.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Dragon and Lotus?- Don't care.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Never liked it anyway.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Join us next week when we'll be looking at more expensive tat.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18And coming up now on Diddy TV,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22it's time for Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise Surpise!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Surpise! Surprise! Surprise!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32BOTH: Hello!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34And welcome. I'm Holly Willoug-B.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37And I'm Holly Willough-A.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40And welcome to Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise!
0:10:40 > 0:10:44This show is full of surprises!
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Reeeeeeeally?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I know! Who'd have thought?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Someone in our studio audience is about to get
0:10:51 > 0:10:54the shock of their lives! AUDIENCE: Oooooooh!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57APPLAUSE
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Are you there, Ethel Wilson?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Ethel!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Last year, you entered a competition
0:11:18 > 0:11:21and won a lovely new car, didn't you?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23AUDIENCE: Oooooooooh!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Well, Ethel... Surpriiiiiise! Hee-hee!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Because there was an administrative error and you shouldn't have
0:11:31 > 0:11:35won, which means we're going to take the car back.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Oh.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38AUDIENCE: Aaaaaaaaah.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's pretty bad.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Enough to make anyone cry.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, come on, then!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48If we were you, we'd have a good blub!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51No, I'm OK, thanks.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52- Ooooh.- O-o-o-oh.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Playing hardball, this one.- Yeah.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58All right, Ethel. Surpriiiiiise!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- You've got nits! - Argh!
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Ooh! Eek! - CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:05And surprise!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08We're going to reunite you with a cheeseburger that you
0:12:08 > 0:12:12left in the bin three years ago.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15SPLAT! AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18And, surpriiiiiiiiise!
0:12:18 > 0:12:19In a few seconds,
0:12:19 > 0:12:25your lovely new house will be crushed by a falling asteroid!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- What?! - WHOOSH!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31BOOM!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Heh-heh-heh.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Do you find any of that at all...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Upsetting?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- SHE SOBS Aaaaaw!- Aaaaaaw!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I'm touched.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- I wasn't expecting that. - Neither was I.
0:12:48 > 0:12:53THEIR WORDS BECOME SQUEAKS
0:12:53 > 0:12:55See you next week for more...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Surpriiiiiiiiise Surprise Surprise Surprise....
0:12:58 > 0:12:59SURPRISE!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03And if you'd like to join the show's legal team,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06all we need is your house as collateral.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11You big on surprises, Mr Choosy?
0:13:11 > 0:13:16SLAPSTICK MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:16 > 0:13:17POP!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Oh! Heh-heh. Surprise!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Brilliant. Gets me every time.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Hey! Do you want a job on the show, Mr Choosy?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Mr Choosy?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I'll let you think about it.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32One final surprise, for me anyway,
0:13:32 > 0:13:36is that we still haven't had a full public inquiry about any of this.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Goodbye.
0:13:38 > 0:13:44# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423
0:13:44 > 0:13:47# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:47 > 0:13:54# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #
0:13:54 > 0:13:57# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #