0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future for those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity, style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Diddy TV! Diddy TV!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:30 > 0:00:35# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Welcome to Diddy TV, the only TV channel in the world
0:00:38 > 0:00:41where the complaints outnumber the viewers. Hmm!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- The Great British... - Flake...- Flake Off!
0:00:47 > 0:00:51- Hello!- Hello!- Hello!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Hello, and welcome to The Great British Flake Off.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- This week's challenge is to.. - Flake off!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59..as much skin as you can in just 30 seconds.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03- So, who are our impressive itching individuals?- Yes.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05- Our scratching showdown superstars? - Exactly.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Who owns Britain's fastest flaking fingers?- Enough.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12- And who has some of this country's niftiest nails?- I SAID ENOUGH!
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Let's meet them.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I've got flakier skin than a snake with allergies.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27I just want to make my kids proud!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Have we started yet?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31HE LAUGHS
0:01:31 > 0:01:35- So, I hope you are all up to scratch.- Not again.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Don't try and anything "rash"...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Because it's all going to get "skin-teresting".
0:01:40 > 0:01:41- Interesting.- Skin-teresting.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Interesting.- Yeah, but skin-teresting.- Ready...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Steady... BOTH: Flake off!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Today is all about the flake.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Our contestants have just 30 seconds to scratch
0:01:55 > 0:02:00and itch themselves a mound of flakes that we can all be proud of.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02And a little bit disgusted by.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08HAIRDRYER BLOWS
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Oh, yes, impressive, Dave. Very impressive.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16A bit of fine-tuning needs to be done there, Dave.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20MUSIC PLAYS
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Banging tunes, Edith.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I like scratching to music.
0:02:28 > 0:02:35MUSIC GETS FASTER AND FASTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:36EXPLOSION
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Oops! Five seconds left!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43So, the scratching's done and the flaking's over,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45but who will "scrape" through to the final?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46I said enough!
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Limp.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51You've clumped your flakes.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52- Yes, you have.- Oh.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04- Oh, dear. This isn't a game, Edith. - Yes, you forgot to baste.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Oh, crisp and golden. It's just how I like them.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Absolute genius.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Yeah.- Wonderfully done. - Great effort, that.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18We have a winner!
0:03:18 > 0:03:22And for the losers, it's time for the flake off!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27THEY SCREAM
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Goodbye.- Goodbye.- BOTH: Goodbye.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- Shut up!- Goodbye, goodbye. - Shut up!- Goodbye.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Goodbye.- Sh-u-u-ut u-u-up!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Do you need insurance?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Worried you're just too stupid to qualify?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Well, Idiot Insurance is here to the rescue.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Even if you've already been injured as a result of complete idiocy,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59we'll still insure you.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10And we'll still insure you, even if you're injured at work.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Idiot insurance - giving cash to thickos everywhere.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Hello, boys and girls.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Would you would like another lovely story from Uncle Dickie?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Uncle Dickie? When did that happen?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Shut up! And read the book. - I can't shut up AND read it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Look, do you want me to show everybody the picture of you
0:04:43 > 0:04:44having your nappy changed
0:04:44 > 0:04:46from last week?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Hello, boys and girls. Why don't I read you the story of...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55..the big red bucket.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Who writes this rubbish?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Ah-ah...- All right, I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Once upon a time, there was a very stupid,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06very ugly man called Uncle Dickie.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12He sat on a colourful cushion, in a TV studio,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15reading a story from the big book...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17All right, what's going on here? Dom?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Diddy Dom?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Dom?
0:05:23 > 0:05:28Uncle Dick thought he was all alone in the deserted studio,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31but as he read from the haunted book,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I mean, seriously!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Who writes this? It's for kiddies.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You'll give them nightmares!
0:05:41 > 0:05:45A scary goblin came creeping slowly up behind him,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47holding a big red bucket...
0:05:49 > 0:05:53This is getting really freaky...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56said Uncle Dick, as he turned the page.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58ARGH!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59HE PARPS
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Think I might need my nappy changing again.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Uncle Dick knew he had no choice
0:06:07 > 0:06:09but to keep reading as, very slowly,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11the scary goblin lifted
0:06:11 > 0:06:13the big red bucket,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16full of rancid onion gravy
0:06:16 > 0:06:17and tipped it
0:06:17 > 0:06:19all over Uncle Dick,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22who promised never again to mess about
0:06:22 > 0:06:26when he was reading a lovely story to the nice boys and girls at home.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Who wrote this?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30The Big Red Bucket, by Diddy Dom.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I should have known!
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Night-night, boys and girls.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Sweet dreams.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Argh!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Larry, I believe you brought me here under false pretences.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Have I, Mr Stockholm? Why do you say that?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51You said you were throwing a party.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- I am. A television party.- Really?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Yeah, a party where you sit and watch telly.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Diddy TV?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- He asked with a due sense of weariness.- Naturally.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Are there going to be any other people at this party?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- All of my friends will be here. - So, no, then.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09All of my friends from Diddy TV.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Hi, friends!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14They love me.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And just a reminder that if you'd like to complain about
0:07:17 > 0:07:19anything on Diddy TV - back of the queue.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Hello and welcome to Diddypops!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Here with this week's number one,
0:07:29 > 0:07:34please whoop and cheer for Diddy Dick and Dom and the Diddyettes!
0:07:34 > 0:07:35APPLAUSE
0:07:35 > 0:07:38# Forget what you heard Ignore the fuss
0:07:38 > 0:07:41# We're the experts Listen to us
0:07:41 > 0:07:44# It's now been proved Yes, it's official
0:07:44 > 0:07:47# Watching TV is beneficial
0:07:47 > 0:07:49# Who would want to be well read?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52# Why study things you can watch instead?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55# So sell your books and do like me
0:07:55 > 0:07:58# And buy yourself a colossal TV
0:07:58 > 0:08:01# Watch more TV Enjoy yourself
0:08:01 > 0:08:03# Watch more TV You need nothing else
0:08:03 > 0:08:06# Watch more TV till your eyes are square
0:08:06 > 0:08:09# It's all repeats but we don't care
0:08:09 > 0:08:12# Exercise is a waste of time
0:08:12 > 0:08:15# All that effort for a thin waistline
0:08:15 > 0:08:18# Settle down with a cup of tea
0:08:18 > 0:08:21# And watch another show on Diddy TV
0:08:21 > 0:08:23# Go outdoors? You must be kidding
0:08:23 > 0:08:26# I'm watching daytime bargain bidding
0:08:26 > 0:08:29# All that pollen tickles my nose
0:08:29 > 0:08:32# And makes me miss my favourite shows
0:08:32 > 0:08:34# Watch more TV Enjoy yourself
0:08:34 > 0:08:37# Watch more TV You need nothing else
0:08:37 > 0:08:40# Watch more TV till your eyes are square
0:08:40 > 0:08:43# It's all repeats but we don't care
0:08:43 > 0:08:49# I really can't make up my mind on the best invention from mankind
0:08:49 > 0:08:51# Tablet phone or smart TV
0:08:51 > 0:08:55# So I've used all three simultaneously
0:08:55 > 0:08:57# Adventure's part of my daily routine
0:08:57 > 0:09:00# I've travelled the world on a plasma screen
0:09:00 > 0:09:03# No need for a Panama hat or flannels
0:09:03 > 0:09:06# I've got 40,000 channels
0:09:06 > 0:09:08# Watch more TV Enjoy yourself
0:09:08 > 0:09:11# Watch more TV You need nothing else
0:09:11 > 0:09:14# Watch more TV till your eyes are square
0:09:14 > 0:09:17# It's all repeats but we don't care! #
0:09:19 > 0:09:20APPLAUSE
0:09:20 > 0:09:22No, we don't care.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24And to prove it, Chompit.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's Chompit!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29APPLAUSE
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Hello, and welcome to Chompit.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36The game of skill and cunning, where our contestants can win
0:09:36 > 0:09:42a fabulous holiday and a cash jackpot of up to £20,000.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44APPLAUSE
0:09:44 > 0:09:48So, as ever, our contestants have to move fruit from forehead
0:09:48 > 0:09:51into their belly boxes without using their hands.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Drop more than one slice, though, and you'll gets spanged.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55WHACK!
0:09:55 > 0:09:56CROWD: Ooooh!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59The first to taste monkey pudding wins.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02So, let's play Chompit!
0:10:02 > 0:10:03APPLAUSE
0:10:05 > 0:10:08THEY GRUNT
0:10:08 > 0:10:09BUZZER
0:10:09 > 0:10:10CROWD GROAN
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Oh, that's got to hurt.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15CROWD GROAN
0:10:17 > 0:10:18BELL
0:10:18 > 0:10:19APPLAUSE
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Get in!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Get in!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28SOUND FADES
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Hello?
0:10:30 > 0:10:31HE WAILS
0:10:33 > 0:10:36HE WHISTLES
0:10:36 > 0:10:39LARRY LAUGHS
0:10:41 > 0:10:44You wanted a party? That was a party, Mr Stockholm.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47A party for your eyes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49They certainly feel like they've been dancing all night, but it's
0:10:49 > 0:10:51not what I'd call a proper party.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54You've got no streamers, no disco lights, no balloons!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Let me stop you right there.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Oh! Oh! A balloon! Balloon!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- What did you do that for? - You were enjoying it too much.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06The real party's on the telly!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12APPLAUSE
0:11:12 > 0:11:18Yes, it's Saturday night and time for Strictly Come Booby Trapped.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23Please welcome Anton Diddybug and Diddylotte,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25dancing the waltz
0:11:25 > 0:11:27with booby traps.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Hold on. Did he just say...
0:11:29 > 0:11:34WALTZ MUSIC
0:11:37 > 0:11:38BANG
0:11:43 > 0:11:45CRASHING
0:11:46 > 0:11:48EXPLOSION
0:11:48 > 0:11:54WALTZ MUSIC CONTINUES
0:11:58 > 0:12:00CRASHING
0:12:00 > 0:12:01HE SCREAMS
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Diddylotte, Diddylotte, help!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Judges, your scores.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10What do the judges think? Did we do OK?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Len, Len, half-past ten?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Well, for me it was a bit flat, mainly between Anton's hips
0:12:15 > 0:12:19and his neck, so, in my bag of tricks, it's a six.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20APPLAUSE
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Craig Bag-of-Revels?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Anton, darling, I didn't believe that scream for a second.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27It should've been more like...
0:12:27 > 0:12:31HE SCREAMS
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Four.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35CROWD BOOS
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Diddy Bussell.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Rubbish!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42And Bruno Ravioli.
0:12:42 > 0:12:48Darlings, the way the shoe squashed you like a sandwich...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51It was sheer poetry!
0:12:51 > 0:12:543,000. You're coming back next week.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57APPLAUSE
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Easy, Diddylotte, you don't want...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02SHE SCREAMS
0:13:02 > 0:13:03APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Diddylotte?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Join us next time for more Strictly Come Booby Trapped.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Does anyone know the tango?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20I'm sorry my party wasn't all you hoped it would be, Mr Stockholm.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23You could hardly call it a party. You could hardly call it a "puh".
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Well, it's all over now.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Daddy TV is off the air for another day.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, that's something to celebrate!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35THEY CHEER
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Balloons!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Yes, indeed. Street parties for all,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41as Diddy TV runs out of cash for another day.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Goodbyeee!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47# Diddy TV! Diddy TV!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49# Channel 6597423
0:13:49 > 0:13:52# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:52 > 0:13:56# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:14:00 > 0:14:03# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #