0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future for those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity, style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:26# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37We've got a top line-up of entertainment for you
0:00:37 > 0:00:38here on Diddy TV.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42First, Diddy Brother.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Day 999 in the Diddy Brother house, and facing eviction tonight -
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Diddy Dick, Diddy Dom,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Susan, you know, that one,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53and this bloke.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Hello, contestants. This is Diddy Brother. The results are in.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03It's time to find out who is leaving the Diddy Brother house.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Psst. It could be him, whatever his name is.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Um, Heathcliff Aloysius Hercules
0:01:10 > 0:01:13November Spartacus Potplant Undercrackers Rochester.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I mean, could it be any simpler?
0:01:15 > 0:01:16SHE LAUGHS
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Ooh, hope it's not me.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Hope it is you. You just giggle all the time, even when you're angry.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23How dare you?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25SHE LAUGHS
0:01:25 > 0:01:26See?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Look, would you all just be quiet for one second and let me tell you?
0:01:30 > 0:01:34I mean, really. The contestant leaving tonight is...
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- It's him.- Well, it's not me, that's for sure. I think it's you.
0:01:39 > 0:01:46THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Oh, that is it! It's all of you. You're all evicted.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- What?- What did we do?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Being incessantly annoying.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- I can't bear the sight or sound of any of you any more.- How rude!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01SHE LAUGHS
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Hang on, what about me? I mean, I haven't done anything!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Oh, shut up, Heathcliff Aloysius Hercules November Spartacus
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Potplant Undercrackers Rochester.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13You all have five seconds to leave the Diddy Brother house.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Or what?- Or this!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18EXPLOSION
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And from horror to mystery.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Aha. The doors and the windows were locked.
0:02:31 > 0:02:38- And you were the only person in the room when he died.- Yep.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- It's a mystery.- Well, not really, it's quite obvious...- Shut up!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I'm thinking. I'm trained to do this, you know.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Well, you're not trained very well, are you?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50The mystery is, how did the murderer get out of the room?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Well, maybe he didn't even leave the room.- What?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54You think they're still in here, hiding?
0:02:54 > 0:02:59- Well, he's not hiding, is he? - We need to find the murder weapon.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04- It's here.- Hmm. If we can trace the owner, then we'll find the criminal.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- It is mine.- It'll be covered in fingerprints.- They are mine.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- I need a list of suspects.- Look!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13There's been a spree of murders all over this village.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16You and me are the only ones who're still alive.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18You didn't do it, so...?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22You think I could have done it? And a super villain wiped my memory?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Right, let me give you a clue.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25- Clonk!- Ah-oh!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Could you make that clue any clearer?- Yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35It. Clonk! Was. Wallop! Me. Whack!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Next week on That Stupid Detective Show...- What do you mean, next week?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41We can't draw this out for another week.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Actually, we've got another 12 episodes...
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Right, that's it, I'm going... - So, next week on That... What?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49No, that door's supposed to be locked. Wait. No! My scripts... Oh!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Wallop! Bang!- Uh.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I've just been clonking the voice-over man over the head.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57HE GASPS
0:03:57 > 0:03:59A second mystery.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I give up. Ka-pow.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06It's lovely having you here, Stampy. Can I call you Stampy?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- It's the name may mother gave me. - Really?- Yep.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Then, what about Longnose?- Well, that name just runs in the family.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14HE LAUGHS
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Do you get it? Runs in the family? Longnose...?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- No?- Probably works better on the internet.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Here. What do you think my internet name should he?
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Um... Shouty Flabby-face?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Ohhh...
0:04:34 > 0:04:35I love it!
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Ah!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40# Won't you take me to funky town? #
0:04:40 > 0:04:45CEILIDH MUSIC
0:04:45 > 0:04:50SAXOPHONE MUSIC
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Now, your chance to try out some ear defenders, because it's DiddyPops.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06Hello, and welcome to DiddyPops. Here is this week's number one.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Please whoop and cheer for Diddy Dick and Dom and the Diddiettes.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17# Well, it's rather out of vogue to be a double dealing rogue
0:05:17 > 0:05:20# So I hope your bad behaviour's just a phase
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# I'll carry out my threat to put you on the naughty step
0:05:23 > 0:05:25# Until you see the error of your ways
0:05:26 > 0:05:30# Scallywags and scoundrels Charlatans and cheats
0:05:30 > 0:05:33# Reprobates and rogues Masters of deceit
0:05:33 > 0:05:36# All you troublemakers take some good advice.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39# Don't be naughty cos it isn't very nice.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42# Don't hide your sister's skipping rope or sprinkle chilli on her soap
0:05:42 > 0:05:45# Because you think it is a bit of fun
0:05:46 > 0:05:49# It really isn't fair to cut your little brother's hair
0:05:49 > 0:05:51# Without permission from your mum
0:05:51 > 0:05:55# Don't tie your teacher's laces if they fall asleep in class
0:05:55 > 0:05:58# Although it might seem like a golden chance
0:05:58 > 0:06:01# Cos following a wobble and a catastrophic topple,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04# You'll probably have to call an ambulance
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# Scallywags and scoundrels Charlatans and cheats
0:06:08 > 0:06:11# Reprobates and rogues Masters of deceit
0:06:11 > 0:06:14# All you troublemakers Take some good advice
0:06:14 > 0:06:17# Don't be naughty Try being nice
0:06:17 > 0:06:21# Scallywags and scoundrels Charlatans and cheats
0:06:21 > 0:06:23# Reprobates and rogues Masters of deceit
0:06:23 > 0:06:27# All you troublemakers Take some good advice.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30# Don't be naughty cos it isn't very nice. #
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I'd like two consonants, a vowel, a box of chocolates,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40two tickets to a theme park, and a new job.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Hello. I'm Nick Fewer, and welcome to another edition of Diddydown.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Joining us this week are Diddy Dick and Diddy Dom.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58So, um, Diddy Dom, if you'd like to kick us off?
0:07:00 > 0:07:06- Hello, Rachel.- What?- Vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Vowel.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Your 30 seconds start now.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20END OF ROUND MUSIC
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Right, so. Diddy Dick, what have you got?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27- Nine.- Nine.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29And Diddy Dom?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Nine.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32HE SIGHS
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Of course you have. So, Diddy Dick, your nine?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Ooauioeii.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Which means what, exactly?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Sound a ghost makes. You know,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46when he's run out of cheesecake!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Of course it does.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50And, Dick, your nine?
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Ooiauioei.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55It's the sound Nick Fewer makes when he's angry.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- No, it isn't.- Yes, it is.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58No it isn't.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Is, is, is!- Oi, oi, oi! Oi, oi, ya, ya!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Oi, oi, oi, ya, ya! Oi, oi, oi, ya! Oi, ya, ya!
0:08:04 > 0:08:10# Oi, ya, ya, oi, ya, ya Oi, ya, yang, gi, yang gi ya...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12# Oi ya ya, Oi, ya ya Doo doo doo doo doo doo
0:08:12 > 0:08:15# Oi, ya, ya, oi, ya, ya Oi ya, yang, gi, yang, gi, ya
0:08:15 > 0:08:21# Oi, ya, ya, oi, ya, ya Oi, ya, yang, gi, yang, gi, ya...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23# Ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba...
0:08:23 > 0:08:30# Oi ya, oi ya Oi ya, yang, gi, yang gi ya...#
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Ridiculous. I've never heard of that word.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Sure you have, Stampy. I've heard you use it all the time.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38No, I don't!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Imagine a world without the Internet!- Ooauioeeii...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Online games... - Ooauioeeii...
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Me on a trampoline.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Ooauio...OK, OK, I get it. It's a word. You can stop now.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You should go on Diddydown, Stampy. You'd be good.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Ooauioeeii... - Stop showing off.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Ever wanted to build your own
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant Bromley? You have? Good.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Then the Build Your Own Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant Bromley
0:09:06 > 0:09:08partwork magazine is for you.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Building up week by week, brick by brick,
0:09:12 > 0:09:17now you can lovingly recreate this iconic restaurant in your own home.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Wow!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21From the stains on the carpet near the swing doors to the
0:09:21 > 0:09:23wonky leg on table 12,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Build Your Own Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant Bromley
0:09:26 > 0:09:29is accurate in every detail.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33What's more, this fun and informative magazine is packed with
0:09:33 > 0:09:37recipes, tips on hiring and firing and a cut out and keep guide
0:09:37 > 0:09:41to attaining that all-important one-star food hygiene rating.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45The Build Your Own Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant Bromley
0:09:45 > 0:09:48is all you'll ever need to launch a brand-new career.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Issue one comes with a free poppadum warmer.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Start collecting and building today.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57HE PARPS
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04surprise, surprise, surprise!
0:10:04 > 0:10:05surprise, surprise!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07SURPRISE!
0:10:07 > 0:10:12- Hello! I'm Holly Willough-bee! - And I'm Holly Willough-A!
0:10:12 > 0:10:17And welcome to Surprise, Surprise Surprise, Surprise, Surprise.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yes, someone in the audience is about to get
0:10:20 > 0:10:23the shock of their lives.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25There could be tears.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26BOTH: There better be!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Where are you, Roy Foot?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35APPLAUSE
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Roy!
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Last year, your dream was to meet your favourite movie actor,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Robert Diddyson, wasn't it?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Well, Roy, surprise! Cos that wasn't really him!
0:10:59 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Oh, you didn't actually meet your idol at all,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05it was just a lookalike!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07How do you feel about that?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Well, bit disappointed, I suppose.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11AUDIENCE: Aww...
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Disappointed? In a tearful way?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Ha! No, no, no. I don't cry at anything.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Oh.- Mmph!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Well, we'll see about that. - Grr!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Roy, surprise, surprise! Your house has just been broken in
0:11:25 > 0:11:30and someone's changed your Wi-Fi password!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Well, that's all right. I've got internet on my phone.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- And Roy, surprise!- Surprise!- I've got a really nasty rash
0:11:38 > 0:11:43on my arm that you've definitely just caught!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- AUDIENCE: Oh, no! - I've had worse.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51And, surprise! This priceless antique vase of yours
0:11:51 > 0:11:53is here in the studio.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And I just accidentally broke it.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Would you say that you find any of that...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03BOTH: UPSETTING?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06That's...That's not my vase.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11And Roy, you think you're so happy!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14But what if I was to say there's a banana at the bottom
0:12:14 > 0:12:19of your bag that had been there for weeks?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23No! You wouldn't!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26SQUELCHING AND STAMPING
0:12:28 > 0:12:30That's- that's brand-new!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34ROY CRIES AND AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Aw, look! I'm touched!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I wasn't expecting that!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Neither was I!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47THEY SQUEAK UNINTELLIGIBLY
0:12:47 > 0:12:49See you next time for more...
0:12:49 > 0:12:57BOTH: Surprise, Surprise, SURPRISE, SURPRISE...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Now, that was emotional, eh, Stampy?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Not really. I hate surprises.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Oh, come on! Everybody loves surprises!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Not me.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14Oh, well in that case, you may want to lean to one side.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Um, why?
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Because Shouty Flabby Face says so! NOW!
0:13:21 > 0:13:22SQUELCH
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Aww! Surprise.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Now that's one I do like. Ha-ha!- Oh...
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Well that's all for today, so let's box it up, ship it out to sea
0:13:32 > 0:13:34and give it the watery ending it would have wanted.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Goodbye!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:13:38 > 0:13:42# Channel 6597423
0:13:42 > 0:13:45# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:45 > 0:13:49# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #