0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future for those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity, style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:26# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello, welcome to Diddy TV.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40I played Hamlet in the West End and got rave reviews.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Here's You've Been Stupid.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Yes, it's You've Been Stupid.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48The show that proves people do the dumbest things
0:00:48 > 0:00:52and luckily for me and my agent, capture them on camera.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Let's roll the first clip.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57There's only one thing this man shouldn't do
0:00:57 > 0:01:00and that's go near the water, so will he be smart?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Ha-ha, forget it!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06WATER SPLASHES
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Ha! Enjoy your swim inside a shark!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16This guy is ready to hit the treadmill, but hang on,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19he's not thinking of jumping on while it is going?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Now you can run through that big hole in your house!
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"Stay off the grass", says the sign
0:01:30 > 0:01:33so the best thing is - duh - stay off!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38This joker thinks he's exempt from all the rules.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Yeah? Well, take that, and that, and that,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44you pasty-faced ping pong bat!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Next time, we will have a man riding a skateboard over his own head.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Until then...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Here you are.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Enjoy your meal.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Don't forget to check if you are a winner.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07HE GASPS AND SIRENS SOUND
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I've won a wet lap!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13That's right, every time you order a Silly Meal at Silly Burgers,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17check your cup to see if you're a winner.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- ALL:- We've won a wet lap!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I've won a wet lap so I'm going to mega-size it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Yes, everyone is a winner with Silly Burgers' Wet Lap promotion.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Now available in Super Duper Mega Size.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33I've won a...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Now it is time to go over live to Wire Forest
0:02:39 > 0:02:43for a brand-new series of Badger Watch.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47So I said to him, if you are going to go around head-butting hedgehogs,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50you are going to get prickles in your head, aren't you?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Look, they are back.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- HE GASPS - What do we do?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Just do the thing.- The thing?
0:02:57 > 0:03:02You know, just act natural and do the thing.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Right. Ready?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09MUSIC PLAYS
0:03:56 > 0:03:59And next week, a skulk of foxes
0:03:59 > 0:04:04play their unique fusion of dancehall reggae and Oompah.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10They are so cute, aren't they, Bruno? Little stripy, furry fellas.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Who can sing, who can dance.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Yes, well, I was going to say forage for grubs and scare the cat
0:04:16 > 0:04:19but, yeah, I will give you sing and dance, I suppose.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21There is no suppose about it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25One of my most famous dance routines was inspired by a badger.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Did it take place down a deep, dark hole?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31No, I was inspired by their movements,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35the twitch of the noses, the swipe of a paw.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I call it the badger cha-cha-cha. One, two, badger-cha.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42One, two, badger-cha. What do you think, Larry? Cha-cha-cha.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I think we should watch some more Diddy TV.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Fast.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52DRILLS WHIR
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Finally, Now That's What I Call Pneumatic Drills Volume V
0:04:56 > 0:04:57has hit the shops.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Three discs of pneumatic noise
0:05:00 > 0:05:04guaranteed to make your hard hat wobble.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08And the ever popular...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Now That's What I Call Pneumatic Drills Volume V
0:05:12 > 0:05:16has all the classic hits of recent roadwork sounds,
0:05:16 > 0:05:20including some all-new sounds that won't have irritated you before.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Whatever your pleasure, Now That's What I Call Pneumatic Drills
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Volume V is guaranteed to set your teeth on edge
0:05:33 > 0:05:35and bring on a migraine.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Every copy comes with free safety barrier
0:05:38 > 0:05:41and jacket for that authentic pneumatic drills experience.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Now That's What I Call Pneumatic Drills Volume V.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Making eardrums bleed since 1998.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You are watching Diddy TV.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53So, ha!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Stars In Their Pies. APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Hello and welcome to Stars In Their Pies -
0:06:05 > 0:06:08the show that gives members of the general public
0:06:08 > 0:06:11the chance to be a star, so long as that star is...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- ALL:- Baked in a pie!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Ooh, you're good!
0:06:15 > 0:06:20And tonight's contestant is Sandra Bellingham from Basingstoke.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22APPLAUSE
0:06:22 > 0:06:25So, Sandra, tell us a little bit about yourself.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30I collect ornamental teapots and I like shampooing my gerbil.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Ah!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Yeah, there's really nothing interesting about that at all,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- is there? But do you like stars? - THE AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- And do you like pies? - THE AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, you've come to the right place,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46because it is time to play Stars In Their Pies.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- THE AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHEER - Now, Sandra,
0:06:48 > 0:06:52give us a clue as to which star you are going to be for us tonight.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Well, Mike, this star was born in the USA in 1993
0:06:56 > 0:06:59and, like a good pie, it's all about the base.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00And what about that pie?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Well, tonight, Mike, I'm going to be a pie you'd usually buy
0:07:04 > 0:07:07in a fish and chip shop, if they'd run out of steak and kidney.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Well, I think we know enough, so off you go.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Tonight on Stars In Their Pies,
0:07:13 > 0:07:18Sandra Bellingham from Basingstoke is going to be...
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Meghan Trainor in a shortcrust chicken and mushroom pie.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25# Cos you know I'm all about that BASE
0:07:25 > 0:07:27# 'Bout that BASE No treble
0:07:27 > 0:07:29# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE
0:07:29 > 0:07:30# No treble
0:07:30 > 0:07:33# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE
0:07:33 > 0:07:34# No treble
0:07:34 > 0:07:38# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE
0:07:38 > 0:07:41# Yeah, it's pretty clear I ain't no size two
0:07:41 > 0:07:45# But I can shake it, shake it Like I'm supposed to do
0:07:45 > 0:07:48# Cos I've got that boom boom that all the boys chase
0:07:48 > 0:07:52# And all the right junk in all the right place
0:07:52 > 0:07:54# You know I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE
0:07:54 > 0:07:55# No treble
0:07:55 > 0:07:58# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE
0:07:58 > 0:07:59# No treble
0:07:59 > 0:08:01# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE
0:08:01 > 0:08:03# No treble
0:08:03 > 0:08:07# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE. #
0:08:07 > 0:08:08THE AUDIENCE CHEER
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Well, that's all we got time for this week so pie-bye.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- SHE SCREAMS - Munchy munchy!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21SHE SCREAMS AGAIN
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Now for our younger viewers - Dickanory.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Hello, boys and girls, it's time for another...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33What in the name of sanity?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34- BOING-BOING-BOING! - Hello, Uncle Dicky.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Are we ready?- Ready for what? Therapy?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Why are you dressed as a giant rat? - Kangaroo!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42You know, like in the story.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45"The Hoppy Tale of Snooty The Kangaroo."
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Oh, I see, so you're Snooty, then, that figures.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Yeah, that way, I get to keep a close eye on you
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and you don't ruin the story.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Once upon a time, there was a kangaroo called Snooty.
0:09:00 > 0:09:06First thing every morning, Snooty the kangaroo did ten star jumps.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- What? - BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING!
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Oi! Don't spoil it for the viewers. - BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING!
0:09:13 > 0:09:17One, two, two and a half, that one didn't count...
0:09:18 > 0:09:19As he jumped,
0:09:19 > 0:09:25Snooty the kangaroo sang a song all about the joys of bouncing.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Let's hear it then.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- # I like... - Nobody said stop jumping!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33# I like bouncing up and down
0:09:33 > 0:09:35# In the fields and in the town
0:09:35 > 0:09:37# Bouncing is such hoppy fun
0:09:37 > 0:09:39# Let's get bouncing everyone! #
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Ten! You did it!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- Shall we see what on the next page, Snooty?- No.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I think it might be something about press ups.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53And with that, Snooty the kangaroo exploded.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Huh? - LOUD BANG
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It actually does say that here.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Wow. Erm... - HE LAUGHS
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Goodnight, boys and girls.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Sweet dreams.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12SALSA MUSIC
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I'm getting dizzy.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22And then, we will reach the climax of the dance.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Oh, that is better.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28You can open your eyes now, Larry.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Larry? - LARRY SNORES
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Lucky him. That is the best way to watch Diddy TV -
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- with your eyes closed. - LARRY SNORES
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Now, is it Saturday night?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Is it? Is it? IS IT?
0:10:44 > 0:10:51Yes, it is Saturday night and time for Strictly Come Booby Trapped.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Please welcome Trent Whinny and Doody Harry.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Dancing the foxtrot with booby-traps.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Good luck.- This is it, Trent.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08FOXTROT MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:25 > 0:11:26SHE SCREAMS
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- What is it?- Dropped my phone.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31HE SIGHS
0:11:34 > 0:11:37HOOTERS BLAST AND THEY YELL
0:11:42 > 0:11:43THE AUDIENCE CLAP AND LAUGH
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Well done, darling. - You were magnificent.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Judges, your scores.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Oh, I tell you what, your footwork there was Len-sational.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Especially as your feet got stuck to the floor with arrows.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- So straight down the line - a nine. - THE AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Craig Bag Of Revels.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I thought it was terrible, darling.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10If you are going to get skewered like a cocktail sausage,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12at least show me some blood.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Three.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Diddy Bussell.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17SHE YELLS
0:12:18 > 0:12:21And Bruno Ravioli.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26Darlings, you will be in the final.
0:12:26 > 0:12:32The best at being hit by poisonous arrows I have ever seen.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Ten. - THE AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Hang on, did he say poison arrows?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- Yeah, I swear he said... - THEY GROAN
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Join us next time for more Strictly Come Booby Trapped.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE
0:12:52 > 0:12:56You know, there was something very familiar about that, Larry.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Was there? I don't know why, Bruno, maybe it is the booby-traps.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04But you have to admit, it was a little bit over the top,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- especially that Bruno character. - Oh, dear.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12- No-one would act like that in real life, would they?- No.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Ooh, the cha-cha-cha, ooh-la-la.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17It is ridiculous, it is remarkable.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19It is outrageous!
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Yeah, ha-ha, I don't know where they get their ideas from sometimes!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And if you'd like to join the class action lawsuit
0:13:29 > 0:13:31that is gathering momentum even as I speak,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33make a note of all the following names.
0:13:34 > 0:13:40# Diddy TV, Diddy TV Channel 6597423
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:43 > 0:13:47# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:13:50 > 0:13:53# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #