0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future for those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity, style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:26# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37We've briefly dragged ourselves out of Diddy TV's familiar
0:00:37 > 0:00:41cultural gutter to bring you the very tasteful Downton Moggy.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Rrrrow!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51It's fish for supper tonight.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54It's fish for supper EVERY night, sir.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57So? I'm a cat with means.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00DOORBELL RINGS Oh, rats. Who could that be?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Yes? Aaaaaargh!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Catson, what is it?- It's a...a...
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- A... Dog!- Oh, good gracious.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Hey, Lord Meowtham, come here and let me sniff you by the bum!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20You've got a nerve, showing up here after chasing me up that tree.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Ha-ha, yah, you always were a scaredy cat.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- Woof! Woof! Woof!- Get off.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Catson, meet my arch enemy, Houndby.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Call me Hounders.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Pleased to meet you. - May I take your bone, sir?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Oh, yah, good man, good man.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Oh, and while you're there, could you look after this?
0:01:39 > 0:01:43It's my pet budgie, Flappy. He's my most treasured friend.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Well, Meowtham, aren't you going to show me round?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Well, I... I suppose so. - Woof! Woof!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Hey!- Nice place you've got here.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Those are my best shoes.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Woof! Woof!
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Now, that is an antique.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Oh, Lord.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Catson, we have to do something.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Maybe this will help, sir.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ah, yes, good idea.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12HE WHISTLES Come on, boy.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Here we go, look at the sticky. And fetch!
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Woof! Woof!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Now what, sir?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Well, seeing as he's made me miss my supper,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I'm feeling rather peckish.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Got it!
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Hey, where's Flappy?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Don't know what you mean, sir. - No, me neither.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36HE GROWLS
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Shall I, er, delay dessert, sir?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40I'll get you!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Yes, I think you'd better.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Oh, dear. Boring bum?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You need Boing Boing Pants!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Guaranteed to liven up anyone's trousers.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59# Boing Boing Pants, Boing Boing Pants
0:02:59 > 0:03:02# Pop them on your bottom, make your butt cheeks dance
0:03:02 > 0:03:03# Zoop bam booda
0:03:03 > 0:03:04# Zoop bam bow
0:03:04 > 0:03:05# Za da boom
0:03:05 > 0:03:07# Bopa bow bow
0:03:07 > 0:03:09# Up and down, up and down all day long
0:03:09 > 0:03:12# Wobble, wobble, boing, boing, boing. #
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16That's unbelievable!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18# Boing, boing, boing! #
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Warning - never put Boing Boing Pants on back to front.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Argh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27So, Mr Choosy, you going to buy a pair of Boing Boing Pants?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I know, sometimes words are just not enough.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Your silence says it all.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Come on, the gloves are off. What do you think of it so far?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41HE SQUEAKS
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Well, that's just rude.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Well, time for antiques now on Diddy TV, and the pottery they look at.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Hello and welcome to this week's Diddy Roadshow.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And have we got some treasures to show you today.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- And so to our first objet... - Of the day.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Song Dynasty?- Don't care.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Now kick it!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Join us next week, when we'll be looking at more expensive tut.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And if you've been affected by any of the issues in that programme,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30you need to get out more!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36APPLAUSE
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Hello and welcome to Diddypops.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Here with this week's number one,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44please whoop and cheer for Diddy Dick and Dom and the Diddy Bots!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46CHEERING
0:04:46 > 0:04:49# It's i-Diddy safety time so pay attention please
0:04:49 > 0:04:53# Cos silly i-mistakes can lead to i-catastrophes
0:04:53 > 0:04:56# Stuff stays online till the very end of time
0:04:56 > 0:04:59# The cloud will never forget
0:04:59 > 0:05:02# It's fine to be vocal but don't be antisocial
0:05:02 > 0:05:04# Be careful when you use the internet
0:05:18 > 0:05:21# He said that she said that you said that I said
0:05:21 > 0:05:24# That they liked to think that they were cool
0:05:24 > 0:05:27# You might think it's great when you gossip with your mates
0:05:27 > 0:05:30# But you could end up by sounding really cruel
0:05:30 > 0:05:33# Don't become a bore by adding photos of your dinner
0:05:33 > 0:05:36# Don't say how fit your friend would be if only she was thinner
0:05:36 > 0:05:39# Try not to lose your job by tweeting #HitByBus
0:05:39 > 0:05:42# And never post a message when you're feeling really cross
0:05:42 > 0:05:45# Don't bicker online, it's just a waste of time
0:05:45 > 0:05:48# You'll open up an angry hornet's nest
0:05:48 > 0:05:51# If you're doing something nice here's some valuable advice
0:05:51 > 0:05:54# If we're not there we couldn't care less
0:06:18 > 0:06:22# Don't meet up with folk you've never met. #
0:06:22 > 0:06:24APPLAUSE
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Hello! I'm Chris Parp.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36And I'm Michaela Trump.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38And welcome to... Guffwatch!
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Yes, in this show we're going to be getting up close and personal
0:06:42 > 0:06:45to the most amazing natural phenomena in our environment...
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Guffs!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Yes, our hidden cameras will capture incredible pictures
0:06:50 > 0:06:55and sound of all different shapes and sizes of wild guffs!
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- I can't wait.- Ah, well, then let's go over live to our first sighting.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Ah, now this is very exciting.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07That squirrel has been eating nuts for over half an hour.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I think we've got a potential guff brewing.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- FARTING NOISE - Yes, there it is.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Very fruity. Let's see that again.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Actually, Michaela,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I'm just getting word that we're going straight over
0:07:17 > 0:07:21to our currycam now, as there's some amazing guffage coming through.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24These two have just tucked into some leftover curry
0:07:24 > 0:07:27at the back of the Prince of Persia curry house.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30So fingers crossed, one's about to let rip.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33FARTING NOISE
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- A-maz-ing.- Oh, Chris,
0:07:35 > 0:07:41I don't think a guff of that magnitude has ever been recorded.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Of course, some guffs are nocturnal. They only come out at night.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Thanks to our infrared cameras, we can get in there
0:07:48 > 0:07:51and catch those rare species too.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53(I just hope we're not too late.)
0:07:56 > 0:07:57FARTING NOISES
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I can't believe what we're seeing here.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04The heat pattern of a wild guff.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- It almost brings a tear to my eye. - Yeah.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Well, we're going to be here all week, watching out for some more...
0:08:11 > 0:08:12FART
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Michaela? Was that...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- FART - And was that...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- FART - Oh!- Oh!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22FARTING CONTINUES
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Excuse me!- Oh...
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Join us next time for some more... Oh, dear...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31..Guffs.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- FARTING CONTINUES - Oh...- Oh!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Who knew guffs were such a serious issue?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Next you'll be telling me you didn't like THAT either.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Fine, be like that.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Mr Choosy, is there anything you've liked so far?
0:08:52 > 0:08:53UPBEAT MUSIC
0:08:59 > 0:09:03You know, I'm thinking of calling you Mr Picky from now on.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Discombobulate. It's the action-packed family game of chance,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15general knowledge and non-lethal violence.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Throw the dice, move your piece, collect the trinkets,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22avoid the traps, unlock the mystery, watch out for the mutant snakes,
0:09:22 > 0:09:27ride the rickety rickshaw, eat the beetroot of truth.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Then...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30KLAXON SOUNDS
0:09:30 > 0:09:34When you hear that sound, grab your discombobulator
0:09:34 > 0:09:37and let's discombobulate!
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Who will win the gold crown, and who will be discombobulated?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Who will be discombobulated?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Discombobulate!
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Suitable for ages 19 and a half to 19 and three quarters.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11surprise, surprise.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Hello. I'm Holly Willough-b.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17And I'm Holly Willough-a.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20And welcome to Surprise, surprise,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22surprise, surprise, surprise,
0:10:22 > 0:10:23surprise.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28Now, after last week's show, we got some complaints, didn't we, Holly?
0:10:28 > 0:10:3117.4 million.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Some of you wrote in, telling us
0:10:33 > 0:10:36that we're being cruel to our guests.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38And making them cry.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Heartbreaking!
0:10:40 > 0:10:44So this week, we've decided to surprise someone
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and try and make them happy.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51They'll be running around their living room.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53BOTH: They'd better be!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55THEY GRUNT
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Now, where are you... Sandra Freezerbag?
0:11:08 > 0:11:14Sandra, last month you thought you'd lost a very special friend
0:11:14 > 0:11:18when your stick insect went missing in the woods.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Well, surpri-ise,
0:11:22 > 0:11:27Twiggy is here tonight, safe and well.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Oh. Thanks.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Pretty amazing, eh?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Enough to make anyone leap for joy.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Well, come on then!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41We'd be jumping on the flipping sofas if we were you!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I'm fine.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45She's hard to please, this one.
0:11:45 > 0:11:51Oh, Sandra - we know you've always wanted to go to America.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Well, surprise, surprise,
0:11:54 > 0:11:59we've bought you a piece of prime real estate on the coast of Florida!
0:11:59 > 0:12:00AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Really?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Well, thanks very much, that's...
0:12:05 > 0:12:09And surpri-ise - you used to dream of being an astronaut,
0:12:09 > 0:12:13so we got you your very own space shuttle!
0:12:13 > 0:12:14AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16You're joking?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And surprise, surprise -
0:12:19 > 0:12:23your bank balance used to be £4.30,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25until we transferred
0:12:25 > 0:12:29£300 million into your account!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Does any of that make you at all...
0:12:33 > 0:12:35BOTH: ..happy?!
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- Yes, yes, yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Yes!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Aww. I think she's fit to burst.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- HIGH PITCHED:- Yes! Yes! Yes!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Oh!- Well...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I wasn't expecting that.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Neither was I.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01See you next time for more...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04BOTH: ..Surprise, surprise.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Don't tell me. That was rubbish too.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Well, come on, then.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Let's get this over with. Do your...thing.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24UPBEAT MUSIC
0:13:28 > 0:13:30And this time I hope it doesn't grow back.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37That's it. Done, done, done, done, done, done.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yes, you heard me. Thank you very much.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:13:42 > 0:13:46# Channel 6597423
0:13:46 > 0:13:49# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:49 > 0:13:53# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:13:56 > 0:14:00# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #