0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger the Diddy Movies boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future for those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Diddy TV! Diddy TV!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Welcome to Diddy TV, the home of light bulbs, springs,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39don't know what that is in the corner
0:00:39 > 0:00:41and a telly made out of rainbows!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44This is Colin. Can't see him? Of course you can't.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48That's because he's invisible. Give us a wave, Colin.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Ha-ha, classic Colin!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52But watch out, because Colin's about to go undercover
0:00:52 > 0:00:55in a regular school as we play...
0:00:59 > 0:01:01These kids have no idea that they're about to be
0:01:01 > 0:01:04visited by our very own invisible man.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Is it your school?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Is it your class? Let's find out.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- Where's the teacher? - Maybe he's late.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- I'm already here!- Who said that?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Me. Right, first lesson - music. I want to teach you a dance.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21MUSIC: Macarena by Los del Rio
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Right, just copy everything I do.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Come on! Join in!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Oh, no, Charlie! Like this.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Oh, for goodness' sake! Right, forget it!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Right, who's for a game of hide and seek?
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- That's just not fair! - No, this isn't fair.- Ha-ha!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Hey!- Now, where am I? Am I over here?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Hey!- Or am I over here?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Hey!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I think it's time to let them in on our little secret, don't you?
0:01:51 > 0:01:55There's something you should know - I'm not a regular supply teacher.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Obviously!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00You're on Help, My Supply Teacher Is Invisible!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Look, there's a camera there.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06We can't see where you're pointing, sir.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Bye!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- I think he's gone. - No, I haven't!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Agggh!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Top banana! Another class totally stitched up.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18So next time you have a supply teacher who's not all there,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20maybe it's time for you to shout...
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- ALL:- Help, My Supply Teacher Is Invisible!- Classic.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37When it comes to coffee, if you are not experiencing
0:02:37 > 0:02:39a taste that is truly intense,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43you need to change your coffee-maker.
0:02:44 > 0:02:50Introducing a new generation of fancy-schmancy coffee machines -
0:02:50 > 0:02:53the Slappucino Maker.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56It's the only way to be sure...
0:02:56 > 0:02:59you'll be wide awake every morning.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Mmm, Colombian beans.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Mmm! And a slappy hand.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11The Slappucino Maker -
0:03:11 > 0:03:13start your day with a slap.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Countess Tiddles, may I remind you that I am the feline owner
0:03:24 > 0:03:27of this stonking great mansion.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I'll therefore thank you not to moult here,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31especially not on my butler.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35As you wish. I'll moult on you instead.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Why of all the impertinent...!
0:03:39 > 0:03:40HISSING
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Meow!- Meow!- Sssss!
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Meoo...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Captain, call the vet.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Already done, sir.- Good show.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Is it bad, Dr Whiskers?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57She's the last one left from my mother's litter, you know?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59If anything happened to her, his lordship would be...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Countess Tiddles is very, very sick...
0:04:02 > 0:04:03GASPING
0:04:03 > 0:04:07..und very old, but only in cat years!
0:04:07 > 0:04:08She's as strong as a tiger.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12I would say she has eight of her nine lives left.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14What?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Meow!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21What are you all staring at?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Go and fetch me some milk.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Now!- Oh, dear! This is worse than I thought.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31She's...
0:04:31 > 0:04:32an awful moggy.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Yes, she's intolerable.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Doctor, do you think you could...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You know...
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Lord Meowtham, are you suggesting we put down a perfectly healthy cat?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Certainly not. What I meant was...
0:04:46 > 0:04:48INAUDIBLE WHISPERS
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Good morning, madam, I trust you are feeling well rested.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Of course not!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58How long did that vet say I needed
0:04:58 > 0:05:01to wear this infernal contraption?
0:05:01 > 0:05:06Not long, Tiddles, my dear. Only about two or three months.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Mwa-ha-ha!- What?!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Oh!- Oops, I seem to have moulted in your mouth, Countess.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Next time on Downton Moggy...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Lord Meowtham gets distracted by a piece of cotton
0:05:19 > 0:05:23and Catson gets giant fleas.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Is that a great show, or is that a great show?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I think you missed out at least one option there, Larry.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Oh, come on, Mr Stockholme!
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I bet you can't name me one show more entertaining than that.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I could name you 37 without using the letter E or pausing for breath,
0:05:40 > 0:05:41but that's not why I came round.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Well, like my old Grand-ma-ma-ma-ma used to say,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- I've got something really important to tell you.- About the next Diddy?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- No.- Stars In Their Pies?- No.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Shh! This bit's serious.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00TRUMPING
0:06:00 > 0:06:04TRUMPING
0:06:04 > 0:06:07All the freshest trumps on Trump Player, innit?!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Life validation now from more people
0:06:10 > 0:06:14on TV pretending to be other people on TV.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:25Hello, and welcome to Stars In Their Pies -
0:06:25 > 0:06:27the show where members of the general public get to be
0:06:27 > 0:06:30a star for the day, so long as that star is...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- AUDIENCE:- Baked in a pie!
0:06:32 > 0:06:36You are getting it, so let's meet tonight's lucky contestant
0:06:36 > 0:06:40who is Billy Coldcloth from Hemel Hempstead!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43APPLAUSE
0:06:43 > 0:06:45So, Billy, what do we need to know about you?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Well, Mike, I once went to Stockport Spoon Museum on a Tuesday.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55And I can eat a whole chocolate eclair with my nose.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Prove it.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yeah, you can't do it, can you?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14No, I only said it so I seemed more interesting.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- You look really ridiculous right now.- I know.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20So, Billy, do you like stars?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- APPLAUSE - And do you like pies?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- APPLAUSE - Well, then, you're my kind of person
0:07:26 > 0:07:29because it's time to play Stars In Their Pies.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Now, Billy, give us a clue as to which star
0:07:35 > 0:07:36you're going to be for us.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Well, Mike, my star was born in Yorkshire in 1992
0:07:39 > 0:07:42and like every good pie, it is doughy in the middle
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- and fluffy on the top. - And what about that pie?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Well, the pie and the star both share the same russet colouring
0:07:49 > 0:07:51that you would associate with autumn,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53which is lucky because it's this time of the year
0:07:53 > 0:07:56that the pie's normally eaten. And, like my star, this pie is big
0:07:56 > 0:08:00in America because Americans like to eat them at Thanksgiving.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Well, I think we know enough, so off you go.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Tonight on Stars In Their Pies,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Billy Coldcloth from Hemel Hempstead really has got something
0:08:09 > 0:08:14to sing about as he's going to be...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20..Ed Sheeran baked into a puff pastry pumpkin pie!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Take it away, Billy!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27# I need you darling
0:08:27 > 0:08:29# Come on, set the tone
0:08:29 > 0:08:32# If you feel you're falling Won't you let me know
0:08:32 > 0:08:36# Oh-oh-oh-ooh-oh
0:08:36 > 0:08:40# Oh-oh-oh-ooh-oh
0:08:40 > 0:08:42# Sing! #
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Well, that's all we have time for this week, so bye-bye!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Agggh!- Chompy-chompy.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55And now, Diddy Dragons.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02The entrepreneurs are back in the den,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05this time pitching a new twist on a popular food.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Ahem.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Ahem.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Ahem.- Ahem.- Ahem.- Ahem.- Ahem.- Ahem.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Ahem!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Hello, Diddy Dragons.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23I'm Corn Flake and this is my business partner Freddie Dweat.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Erm...- Cheese!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Yes, I'm doing it!
0:09:30 > 0:09:3546% of cheese goes mouldy and is thrown in the bin
0:09:35 > 0:09:39and 100% of cheese cannot connect to Wi-Fi.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41So introducing...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Choise!
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Choise - cheese for the digital generation...
0:09:49 > 0:09:53..as Freddie will now demonstrate.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57It takes phone calls, checks your e-mails
0:09:57 > 0:10:00and, of course, it tastes great on crackers.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Well, go on, then, Freddie, tuck in.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05No, you tuck in. I'm always getting hurt!
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Fine, I will!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Mmm, delicious!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Right, my turn.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Just a few weenie teething problems.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25We're looking for 99,999.99.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29And, yes, we've got the change.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I think that went better than expected.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Join us next time in the Den,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37when someone finally adds USB 3 to a cocker spaniel.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- I just...- Shh! - But...- Shh!- Your...- Shhhh!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- It's really...- QUIET!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- I'm so lucky to have you as a neighbour.- Shh!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53As Diddy King Cole once nearly sung,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56let's face the booby-traps and dance!
0:10:59 > 0:11:06Yes, it's Saturday night and time for Strictly Come Booby Trapped!
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Please welcome Diddy Backshall and Orla
0:11:10 > 0:11:13dancing the cha-cha-cha...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15..with booby-traps.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- I don't know if I can do this. - Keep focused, Backshall.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24CHA-CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:34 > 0:11:37CHA-CHA-CHA MUSIC CONTINUES
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Agggh!- Agggh!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Judges, your scores.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Len, Len, Half-past Ten?
0:11:57 > 0:12:03Oh, hey, artichokes... I tell you what, the way you use that space
0:12:03 > 0:12:05until there wasn't any more space -
0:12:05 > 0:12:07that brought a tear to my eye.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10From Len, the 10!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Craig, Bag-of-Revels?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Do you know what, darlings?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You squeezed a lot into that dance
0:12:15 > 0:12:18and that dance squeezed a lot into you.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19I'm giving you 10!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Diddy Bussell?- Rubbish!
0:12:24 > 0:12:2510!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30And Bruno Ravioli?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Perfecto!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35You two belong-a together.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Which is lucky, because I don't know if we can get you apart again.
0:12:39 > 0:12:4110!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43APPLAUSE
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Join us next time for more Strictly Come Booby Trapped!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Aggggggh!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- Oh, that is disgusting!- Oh, golly, I think I'm going to be sick!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Rubbish!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Shall we go to X Factor? - Yeah, think we should.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01THEY MUMBLE
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Oh, now, don't tell me you don't like Strictly Come Booby Trapped.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09All right, then.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- So you do like it?- No, you just told me not to tell you. Oh, come on!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Everyone likes Strictly - except you.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17You never like anything.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I don't know why you bother coming round to watch my telly.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- I didn't come round to watch telly. - Then why did you come round?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Your shed's on fire.- What?!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Well, the attack dogs we keep outside the studio
0:13:30 > 0:13:33have scared of the disgruntled public for another day.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Goodbye.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38# Diddy TV! Diddy TV!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41# Channel 6597423
0:13:41 > 0:13:44# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:13:44 > 0:13:48# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:13:51 > 0:13:54# Diddy Dick And Dom's Diddy TV! #