0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# The small screen is the future for those with any vision
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Packed with creativity, style and innovation
0:00:20 > 0:00:26# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Hello, boys.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39All around you are the master recordings of every programme
0:00:39 > 0:00:42that Diddy TV has ever made.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Oh, lovely. I didn't know anyone was taping our shows.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Didn't know anyone was watching our shows.- Oh, just think...
0:00:48 > 0:00:52- Oh, do I have to? - Imagine if all this was destroyed.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- It would be a relief to us all. - Me most of all.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Anyway, more importantly, that room is now the home of my new
0:00:58 > 0:01:03- on demand service, The Diddy Player.- BOTH:- Oh.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07We're going online, boys, 24/7.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09If anyone wants to watch one of your programmes,
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- poor fools that they are, they simply log on.- Nice.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Is it all automatic and that? - Is it computerised, Larry?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20- You think I can afford that? - How does it work, Larry?- Easy.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23They log on, type in the name of the programme that they
0:01:23 > 0:01:27want to see, somebody finds the tape and pops it in the machine.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I'd hate to be the fool that had to do that.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Yeah, they'd be here all night.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38- There's your sleeping bags.- Oh. - They don't look very comfy.
0:01:38 > 0:01:44Don't worry. You won't get a moment's rest. Nighty night, boys.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Wait!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Shall we have a kip?- Yeah.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59No-one is actually going to demand to watch one of our shows, are they?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LOUD BEEPING NOISE
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Oh, it's happening, it's happening! - What do they want?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- What do they want?- Something with a cat in it. Oh, what?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23- Like with a basket? Or a pie?- No, one of our shows.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- What do you mean pie? Cats don't come in pies.- Course not.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Hurry up. We don't want to keep him waiting.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39BELL RINGS
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Oh, Catson, there you are.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I wanted to check something with you.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- My life is brilliant, isn't it? - Sir.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Yes, I thought so.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54I mean, I am the cat with the biggest house in the land.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56You're the only cat with a house in all the land.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00I can't help it if no other moggies have been left a stinking
0:03:00 > 0:03:04great mansion after their owners have croaked it.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- Oh!- Something wrong, sir?- Who has done that?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11And all over my favourite antique scratch mat.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I did and I enjoyed it immensely.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Countess Tiddles.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I've run out of milk so I thought I'd come over for some lunch.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Well, lunch isn't served for another hour.- Lunch is served, sir.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Well done, Catson, I despise that woman.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- What is this creation?- Chunky meat in gravy, madam...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40From a pouch.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- Indeed. - HE COUGHS
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Please, Catson. I can't lose you.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I don't know how to do the washing up. Here.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Ah, thank goodness.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58- It was only a furball. - Oh, a fancy truffle.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Take the day off, Catson. Climb the curtains if you like.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- What could be better than that? - This.- Oh!
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Right. Time for beddy-byes.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Hang on, there's more. Game shows.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Way over there. Your time starts now.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Eh?
0:04:35 > 0:04:41Hello. I'm Nick Fewer. Welcome to another edition of Diddydown.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Diddy Dom. If you'd like to kick us off.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Hello, Rachel.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49What?
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel...
0:04:53 > 0:04:54vowel.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Your 30 seconds start now.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Right, so... Diddy Dick, what have you got?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Nine.- Nine. And, Diddy Dom?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Nine.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Of course you have. Diddy Dom, your nine?
0:05:21 > 0:05:26Oo-oh-ee-oo-oh-ee.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Which means what, exactly? - It's the sound a ghost makes.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- You know, when he's run out of cheesecake.- Of course it does.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36And, Dick, your nine?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Ooh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh!
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- It's the sound Nick Fewer makes when he's angry.- No, it isn't.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- Yes, it is.- No, it isn't.- Is, is, is.- Ooh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- ALL:- Ooh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- ALL:- Ooh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- Have they gone?- Hang on a minute, they're back. What do they want?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Something that's hard-hitting.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23I'm on it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29No! A programme that's hard-hitting.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Right, you put on some adverts. I may be some time.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Oh, dear. Boring bum?
0:06:39 > 0:06:43You need boing-boing pants.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Guaranteed to liven up anyone's trousers.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47# Boing-boing pants
0:06:47 > 0:06:49# Boing-boing pants
0:06:49 > 0:06:51# Pop them on your bottom make your buttocks dance
0:06:51 > 0:06:53# Boom-ba-boo-da boom-bam-bam
0:06:53 > 0:06:55# Da-da-ba-do boom-da-bow-bow
0:06:55 > 0:06:58# Up and down up and down all day long
0:06:58 > 0:07:01# Wobble bouncy wobble bottom boing boing boing.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?- Look at that.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- That's unbelievable. - # Boing, boing, boing. #
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Warning. Never put boing-boing pants on back to front.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Got it.- Is it hard-hitting?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Oh!- Yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Yes, it's You've Been Stupid!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32The show that proves people do the dumbest things
0:07:32 > 0:07:36and like you, me and my agent, capture them on camera.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Let's roll the first clip.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42There's only one thing this man shouldn't do
0:07:42 > 0:07:43and that's go near the water.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46So, will he be smart? Forget it.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Enjoy your swim inside a shark.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01This guy is ready to hit the treadmill, but hang on,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04he's not thinking of jumping on while it's going?!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Now you can run through that big hole in your house.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Next time, we'll have a man riding a skateboard over his own head.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Reality TV is all the rage.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20They'll put anyone on TV these days.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24As long as it's real people doing real things.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Nobody has asked for that!- I did.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Day 999 in the Diddy Brother house and facing eviction tonight...
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Diddy Dick, Diddy Dom. Susan, you know, that one..
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And this bloke.
0:08:42 > 0:08:48Hello, contestants. This is Diddy Brother. The results are in.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52It's time to find out who is leaving the Diddy Brother house.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Psst. It could be him. Whatever his name is.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Erm... Heathcliff Aloysius Hercules November Spartacus Pot Plant
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Under Crackers Rochester. Could it be any simpler?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- I hope it's not me.- I hope it is you. You just giggle all the time.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Even when you're angry! - How dare you!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15See?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Would you all just be quiet for one second and let me tell you?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I mean, really, the contestant leaving tonight is...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- It's him.- Well, it's not me, that's for sure.- It's not me.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31It's him. It's not me, it's him. Listen...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER
0:09:35 > 0:09:40- Oh, that is it! It's all of you. You're all evicted.- What?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- What do you mean? - Being incessantly annoying.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- I can't bear the sight nor sound of any of you any more.- How rude.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Hang on, what about me? I mean, I haven't even done anything.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Oh, shut up, Heathcliff Aloysius Hercules November Spartacus
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Pot Plant Under Crackers Rochester.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03- You all have five seconds to leave the Diddy Brother house.- Or what?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Or this...
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Wait! Look.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Food!- What does he want, a programme or a pizza delivery?
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Both, probably.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24CRASHING Eh?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28DOM STRAINS
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Oh, just shove it in!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35DOM STRAINS
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Dave's choux pastry has turned out well, so now the delicate
0:10:44 > 0:10:49- task of piping his chocolate. - All right, Dave?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Yes. Er... Doing fine, Sally.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55This is a really tricky bit, so I just need to
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- concen... - I'll leave you to it, then!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00You don't need this bit, do you?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Edith has spent the last hour
0:11:09 > 0:11:13carefully preparing her Chantilly cream.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18- So, er, Edith...- Hi, Moo!- Can I try a little soupcon of cream?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Yes, well, it's at a very delicate stage.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Stage, yes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26AAAAGH!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Ten seconds left!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37EDITH SOBS
0:11:37 > 0:11:41So, with the finishing touches in place, it's time for Paul and
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Mary to "d'eclair"...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- THUMP! - Ow! ..their favourite.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- Oh, dearie me!- You've let your bottom drop off.- Mm.- Yeah.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59HE SOBS QUIETLY
0:11:59 > 0:12:04Oh, dearie me. Edith, that is a disaster.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07You've got saggy cream.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08MARY TUTS
0:12:13 > 0:12:19Ah! I've got to say, that...that is absolutely first-class. I...I'd
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- be proud of that.- Yes, indeed! First-class!- Yeah.- Exquisite!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Well done.- Very good. Very good. - Well done.- You should be proud.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32- We have a winner!- And for the losers, it's time for the
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Cake Off Take Off!
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- You like that, do ya?- Stick that in your cakehole, you naughty...
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Pizza's here.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44No, no, no!
0:12:45 > 0:12:50This is all your fault! You shouldn't have used stuffed crust.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, we've got to get it out!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00CREAKING
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Ooh...- Oh, well. Could be worse.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LOUD CREAKING
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Knickers.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Urgh!- Ugh!- That was your fault. - No, your fault!- Your fault!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- It was your fault!- It was your fault!- Your fault!- Your fault!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, well. Could be worse.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh, well. Could be worse.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Could be worse.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Could be worse.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Could be worse...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Could be worse. TRAIN HOOTER BLARES
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- BOTH:- # Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:13:54 > 0:13:58# Channel 6597423
0:13:58 > 0:14:01# A brand-new rival for the BBC
0:14:01 > 0:14:04# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:14:08 > 0:14:11# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #