0:00:02 > 0:00:06# Look! We're back! It's Diddy TV Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# The ratings were astounding But they just ran out of money
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# But now we're back in business
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# To bring you fun and laughter
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a DAFTA
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# Diddy TV Diddy TV
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# We're going to try and buy the BBC
0:00:28 > 0:00:34# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Welcome to Diddy TV - an absolute monstrosity of a TV channel,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40made out of any old tat we found lying around.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43And that's an idea stolen by... The Dimgineers!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Hello, I'm Joe Wotcha.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51- And I'm Lauren Squeaky.- And together we are...- BOTH: The Dimgineers!
0:00:59 > 0:01:00This is the show that puts you in charge
0:01:00 > 0:01:03of building your own dream den.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08- Not us. You.- You! All right? Over there is Sammy.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Once, Sammy was proper stung by a wasp.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15So to make up for it, we're building her a shed.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Sammy has no idea she's about to get the surprise of her life!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23What are you doing in me garden?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- We're the Dimgineers! - Come to build you a den!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Erm, can I just have the money?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37So, Sammy, what kind of fab-u-lous den would you like?
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Oh, a dance studio, please!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I'd love somewhere where I could dance
0:01:44 > 0:01:46then post videos of it to my friends.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Oh. Has that given the Dimgineers some ideas!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51BOTH: Er-r-r-r-r...
0:01:59 > 0:02:04- Dimgineers, let's get building! - Oh, and Sammy - no peeking!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Time for the big reveal!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21You said you were into posting things to your friends.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24So we've built you your very own post office queue den!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Cashier number four, please.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Look, there's leaflets, screwed-up paper,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34there's even old-fashioned greetings cards.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37And I've shredded all your useless dance shoes
0:02:37 > 0:02:39and upcycled them into these biros!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- BOTH: Cool, yeah? - I can tell she loves it.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Dimgineers - job done!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- SOBS - Cashier number four, please.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Have you ever thought, "I wish I had the head of a dog?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Well, now you can!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59We at Woof Woof Head Swap Laboratories Inc
0:02:59 > 0:03:01can make this dream come true.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05There are loads of advantages to having a dog's head.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- For example, you could, erm... Just loads of advantages.- I love it.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15But is it safe to replace your head with a dog's head?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17We don't know. Probably.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21What we do know, however, is that our safety record is excellent.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Well, that's put my mind at ease
0:03:26 > 0:03:30but I still don't see the point in putting a dog's...
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Have you ever thought, "I wish I had the body of a dog!"
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Well, now you can!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Get it done as a surprise for your partner on their birthday.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44- What have you done? - So why not pop along to our surgery?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It's woofterful.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Thanks for all your tweets and e-mails
0:03:53 > 0:03:55that say the same three words - "this is pointless"!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Well, your cries of anguish have been heard
0:03:58 > 0:04:01and turned into their very own quiz show!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- This Is Pointless! - APPLAUSE
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Want me to get them to do what?- Cue!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Hello and welcome to This Is Pointless -
0:04:11 > 0:04:14the pointless quiz show where you win nothing at all,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16not even your bus fare home.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- I'm joined by my pointless friend with a pointless computer.- Duh.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And tonight we're joined by Ivan and Claire.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Say "fairy cakes". BOTH: Fairy cakes.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31So it's on to Round One, and round one is a picture round.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I'm going to ask you to have a careful look at the screen
0:04:34 > 0:04:38and stare at a picture of my face for three seconds.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Let's have a look.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46GONG SOUNDS
0:04:46 > 0:04:49OK, so no points there. Hope that you got the answer right at home.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- I don't get it. You didn't even ask a question.- Did I get it right?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56On to our second round. Let's take a look at the board.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Oh, that's a tough one. Ivan, can you talk us through the board?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Erm, well, there's "push the button",
0:05:05 > 0:05:07"push the button" and "push the button".
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Hm, sure. So, what's it going to be?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Push the button!- Thanks!
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Push the button!
0:05:15 > 0:05:20Great choice. I think it's what a lot of our viewers at home would have chosen as well.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24So, in front of you is a button and I'm going to ask you to push it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Are you ready? PUSH IT!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31No, it doesn't do anything.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- The button does absolutely nothing. - GONG SOUNDS
0:05:35 > 0:05:37So, let's take a look at what that's done to the scores.
0:05:37 > 0:05:44- Sadly, no points in that round. - Oh, this is utterly ridiculous.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47He hasn't even said a word the entire time he's been here!
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And he hasn't even plugged in his computer! Furthermore, you!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You haven't even asked a single question all night.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- I mean, what's the point? - BELL RINGS
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Another pointless point for Ivan, ladies and gentlemen.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02We have ourselves a pointless winner!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- APPLAUSE - This is pointless!- That's the point!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Did I win?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15# Divide and conquer Divide and conquer
0:06:15 > 0:06:17# The fun maths board game for all the family
0:06:17 > 0:06:20# Roll your dice Divide by three
0:06:20 > 0:06:23# Then using trigonometry
0:06:23 > 0:06:26# Substitute a binary factor
0:06:26 > 0:06:29# And set your course with a square protractor
0:06:29 > 0:06:31# Without the help of a calculator
0:06:31 > 0:06:34# Use pi as your denominator
0:06:34 > 0:06:36# Then move your piece on the radial arm
0:06:36 > 0:06:39# Of a Venn diagram and score a bar
0:06:39 > 0:06:42# Oh, no, you picked an algebra card
0:06:42 > 0:06:45# Don't despair, it's not that hard
0:06:45 > 0:06:48# Get x from the quadratic equation
0:06:48 > 0:06:50# Then execute and inverse rotation
0:06:50 > 0:06:52# Using simple mechanisms
0:06:52 > 0:06:55# Like parabolic logarithms
0:06:55 > 0:06:58# Add the fractions you have scored
0:06:58 > 0:07:00# To plot your vectors around the board
0:07:00 > 0:07:03# A short cut card that you could use
0:07:03 > 0:07:06# Will bypass the hypotenuse
0:07:06 > 0:07:08# The first to reach the Cartesian plane
0:07:08 > 0:07:10# Will be the winner of the game
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# Divide and conquer Divide and conquer
0:07:13 > 0:07:17# The fun maths board game for all the family. #
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Yeah.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Divide and Conquer. Available now for just £24.99.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Some people have suggested that Diddy TV
0:07:25 > 0:07:28has all the cultural depth of a toilet seat.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31But what's this? It's a programme about art so...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I'm Olaf. I live for art.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I draw, I paint, I wield a mighty hammer.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Some call me the Art Viking.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Hi, Olaf. Don't forget, today's the day of the big boat race in the park
0:07:50 > 0:07:56and, somewhat implausibly, I've entered you into it. See you there.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Ugh. By Odin's eye patch!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02The big boat race, and I don't even have a boat!
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Better get my Viking on. HE GRUNTS
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Smashed it!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Vikings were famous for their longboats so I'm going to build one
0:08:13 > 0:08:18out of this lightweight balsa wood and some waterproof superglue.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I'm then going to painstakingly carve
0:08:20 > 0:08:23a fierce dragon figurehead into this block of wood.
0:08:23 > 0:08:30And finally I'm going to carefully paint some wicked Viking shields
0:08:30 > 0:08:33to strike fear into the hearts of mine enemies.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36And I'm going to do all of this Viking style!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41HEAVY METAL Ugh! Bludgeon! Destroy!
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Today is a good day to die! Ah-hah-hah!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Now the red mist has faded, let's see how we got on.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Arr! Epic!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Wow, cool boat, Olaf!
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Yeah, I'm going to be Vi-king of the boat race!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- He-he!- Go. - STARTING PISTOL
0:09:02 > 0:09:05HEAVY METAL
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Help! Help!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19WHISTLE BLOWS Winner!
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Today I've learned a valuable Art Viking lesson -
0:09:23 > 0:09:26if your friend overtakes you, don't give up,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28just smash their boat and watch them blub.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Ha-ha! Farewell!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Are you listening? It's time to go to bed!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Don't you understand?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Parents - they speak another language.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47- Luckily, there's a solution. - For the last time...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50..it's time to go to bed!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- That's not what your mother said! - APP: Let's order a pizza!
0:09:53 > 0:09:57The Parent Translator app utilises the latest technology to
0:09:57 > 0:10:01digitally convert dialogue spoken in Parentese to kid chat - the
0:10:01 > 0:10:05internationally recognised language spoken by children worldwide.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Thanks to a 99.999999999% accuracy rate, you can
0:10:10 > 0:10:13finally understand everything your parents say.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16We do not authorise the use of this app.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22APP: I smell.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Hello and welcome to another non-award winning Diddy Chat
0:10:31 > 0:10:34with us, Diddy Dick and Diddy Dom.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Now, sometimes on the show we have great guests.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Sometimes we have guests who are rubbish but someone dropped out.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44But today we've got a megastar.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Today, yes, we're joined, from Strictly Come Dancing,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51it's one of the judges, it's Craig Revel Horwood!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Hello, darlings. - He called us darlings!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Now, some people think you're horrible but we really like you.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I'm adorable, darling. Look at me. I'm fab-u-lous!
0:11:01 > 0:11:05He said the catchphrase! He said the catchphrase!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Craig, how did you get into showbiz?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11I worked my way up from the top as a dancer, actually.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14And then I became a choreographer and director
0:11:14 > 0:11:19and then I struck gold on Strictly Come Dancing.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21What kind of things did you used to choreograph?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Lots of West End musicals. Things like that.- Musicals.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27For that you need jazz hands, don't you? Let's see your jazz hands.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- Yeah, look at that.- Jazzy, jazzy. - Jazz it up, darling. Jazz it up.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Craig, one of our biggest fears is Strictly Come Dancing
0:11:35 > 0:11:37finishing forever or being axed.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41If it was axed, what else could be Strictly?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh, well, there's a lot of things that could be Strictly.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I could have my own chat show, for instance.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- I think that could work nicely. - Pilot it now. This could be it.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- You are the chat show host and we are the guests.- OK.- Go.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I'd like to start with a little dance
0:11:53 > 0:11:56and I'm going to do a tap dance with these wooden legs, darling.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I don't know how that's going to go but let's have a go. Cha-cha-cha...
0:12:00 > 0:12:03MUSIC
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Slight movement.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's all about the arms, darling, you see.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Thank goodness for that. - All about the arms.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16That's brilliant. But now what we'd like to see is you doing the same dance,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18but you're not allowed to move your arms.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Hit it!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22MUSIC
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Stop the music. Well, I think you've got yourself a new chat show.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Oh, thank you.- We could do other types of Strictly, couldn't we?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36I mean, we could do Strictly... Strictly Come Flabby. He'd win.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Now, Craig Revel Horwood. You've been here on the sofa with us
0:12:39 > 0:12:42so we'd like to think of you as our friend.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46But we've also got another friend called Craig.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yes, this is our friend, Craig. WHEEZING
0:12:49 > 0:12:52He's very furry.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- He's got a small air hole. - Has he?- Yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57So I don't think he could do Strictly Come Dancing.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Tell you what, let's find out what happens when he dances. Hit it!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04WHEEZING
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I think he's going to pass out!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08GRUNTS
0:13:08 > 0:13:13- Oh, Craig. Oh, Craig.- Craig.- I think he'd do rather well on Strictly.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Thank you very much for coming on to the show,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18on to the sofa, for Diddy Chat.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It's such an honour and a great pleasure to be here with you.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- Sum it up in one word.- Gorgeous.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27See you next time for more Diddy Chat.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Yeah, see you next time, indeed.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Although legally, I must point out we can't actually see you.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34We haven't installed webcams all over your house
0:13:34 > 0:13:38and aren't beaming them to the security services. Bye!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41# Diddy TV Diddy TV
0:13:41 > 0:13:44# Channel 6-5-9-7-4-2-3
0:13:44 > 0:13:47# We're going to try and buy the BBC
0:13:47 > 0:13:51# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:13:54 > 0:13:57# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #