0:00:02 > 0:00:06# Look, we're back it's Diddy TV Channel 6597423
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# The ratings were astounding But we just ran out of money
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# But now we're back in business To bring you fun and laughter
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a Dafta
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# We're gonna try and buy the BBC
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Welcome to Diddy TV, the Channel whose big programming idea is
0:00:37 > 0:00:41to insert the word Diddy into other people's programming ideas.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43And to begin, a classic example.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Welcome to Diddy Ninja Worriers.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- CHANTING:- Beat the wall!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Can any of today's contestants worry their way
0:00:50 > 0:00:53to the end of the course and conquer the Worried Wall?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55It's time to find out.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56KLAXON
0:00:56 > 0:00:58There's the klaxon. He's off.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01He's looking very confident, not very worried at all.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- Did I leave the oven on? - AUDIENCE GASP
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Oh, he's run into trouble already.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Will he go home and check the oven or can he push through?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- No, I turned it off. - CHEERING
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Well, he seems to have quelled his fears there
0:01:13 > 0:01:15as he moves on to the parallel bars.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- Looking good.- Wait!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22It's the front door!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- I didn't lock it! - AUDIENCE GASP
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- He's risking burglars, people. - Go on, then!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Could this spell the end for our wannabe worrier?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Because my girlfriend locked it. - CHEERING
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Oh, he's brushed that worry off with ease there
0:01:34 > 0:01:37and now he's moving on to a very, very tricky part of the course.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Did I feed the goldfish? - AUDIENCE GASP
0:01:44 > 0:01:45- Yeah, I did, yeah. - CHEERING
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Now, he wants to be very careful here. One slip...
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Ooh!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53No, he's all right. He's got over that.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57And look at him bouncing now without a care in the world.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59There he goes, up the scramble nets.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Did I put clean knickers on? - AUDIENCE GASP
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Yes, I did.- Well, it seems sure he's forgotten something.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07That certainly wasn't it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Looks like his girlfriend has come to cheer him on.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12He's nearly at the Worried Wall.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14He could actually complete the course.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- I can't believe you've forgotten my birthday!- No...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Whee! - SIREN WAILS
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And it's another wet wannabe worrier, people.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24See you next time.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27We've all been there.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31It's the end of the month and you've completely run out of squid.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I've completely run out of squid!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37That's why at Quick Squid
0:02:37 > 0:02:41we can get you a squid discreetly, easily and, of course, quickly.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42- PHONE:- Hello, Quick Squid?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Just one call to our squid advisers
0:02:44 > 0:02:46and a squid could be with you in seconds.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Aah!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I was just about to go to my gran's house
0:02:52 > 0:02:55when I realised I didn't even have a squid on me.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00So I went straight onto Quick Squid and requested a squid online.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Before I knew it,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04the squid had its big, lengthy tentacles wrapped around my face.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07SHE LAUGHS
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Thanks, Quick Squid!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11With instant approval, low monthly repayments
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and 0% interest from anyone,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Quick Squid can help you out when you need a quick squid quick.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Quick Squid.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Diddy TV, the home of diddy entertainment.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Or is it?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32We took 4,000 serious drama scripts, put them in a blender
0:03:32 > 0:03:34and squeezed out this.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44BELL TOLLS WOLF HOWLS
0:03:44 > 0:03:46THUNDER CRASHES
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Here it is, Generic Academy, a school for young people
0:03:50 > 0:03:55who lead a double life as a wizard/witch/anything cool.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57You look moody but hot.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59You must be Cute Dimples,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01the chosen werewolf who's going to save the world.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And you must be Eve Something, my loyal friend.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I guess about now we should do something weird.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Me first.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS THUNDER CRASHES
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- Raa-ah-ah-ah. - ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Wait, you're not real!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21You're a...robot!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23What is real? Who is Eve? How is potato?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Bu-bu-buffering. Bu-buffering.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Oh, no! And here comes the scary head teacher!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33I am Principal Grump and I am here to disapprove of everything.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Why are neither of you talking back to me? Detention!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And I'll be telling your parents.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Oh, no, you can't do that, because we're all orphans.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Dumped here because we had no true home.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47So you're our parent.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50In that case, exciting news - I'm getting married again
0:04:50 > 0:04:53so a whole other completely different sort of family
0:04:53 > 0:04:54will be moving in with us.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Won't we be stuck in between?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59In a series of hilarious mishaps?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01See you, kids.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Hang on! I think this explains it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06We're in a parallel universe.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You mean I'm a nowhere robot?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Unless we find the magic talisman crystal stone cup
0:05:11 > 0:05:13in the secret attic before midnight...
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Cool. Got to post this on my Dixi.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Hey, I was posting first.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Major LOLs.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25There's only one thing for it. It's four o'clock, so let's...
0:05:25 > 0:05:26- BOTH:- Rap!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- BOTH:- Peace.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43HORN BLARES
0:05:43 > 0:05:47# Be the envy of your neighbours and the folks that live next door
0:05:47 > 0:05:50# With a shiny, brand-new motor car A juicy 4x4
0:05:50 > 0:05:53# It's tiny, but it's beautiful It's really super-duper
0:05:53 > 0:05:58# It's naughty and it's sporty And it's called the Diddy Pooper
0:05:58 > 0:06:01# A hybrid wind and solar car that glides around with ease
0:06:01 > 0:06:04# It's very cheap to run when it's sunny with a breeze
0:06:04 > 0:06:07# It's got a single speaker for the hi-fi stereo
0:06:07 > 0:06:11# And a place to put your maps so you can work out where to go
0:06:12 > 0:06:15# It's a whole new way of driving The improvement is profound
0:06:15 > 0:06:19# We've put the throttle and the brake the other way around
0:06:19 > 0:06:22# The heater warms your body by using ultrasound
0:06:22 > 0:06:25# To switch the air conditioning on, just wind your window down
0:06:25 > 0:06:28# If you bring a wad of cash, we can offer you a deal
0:06:28 > 0:06:32# For an extra thousand quid, you can get a steering wheel
0:06:32 > 0:06:35# Power and performance that will leave you in a stupor
0:06:35 > 0:06:37# 0 to 60 by tonight, the super...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41# Diddy Pooper. # CRASH!
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Stupid car!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Pomegranate.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Fungus.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You can find all these words and more in...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07..the dictionary.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12In 1896, the first modern Olympic Games were held in Athens,
0:07:12 > 0:07:17and in their pioneering spirit of sporting passion, its Bundle Ball!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Welcome back to live coverage
0:07:19 > 0:07:22of the International Bundle Ball World Cup final.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25We're about to get underway with Lambert the Frenchman
0:07:25 > 0:07:27about to take the restart.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32- FRENCH ACCENT:- I really don't mind if someone else wants to start.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34WHISTLE BLOWS
0:07:34 > 0:07:36SHOUTING
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Oh!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Oh, that's one straight from the training ground there, Mike.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Let's see that again.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49There really are some incredible skills on display there, Terry.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Yeah, that's right, Mike.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53The whistle goes, everybody jumps on him.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55That's textbook bundle ball.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- A hint of dangerous play. - Oh, yes, Mike.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00There should be more than a hint of dangerous play.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03For those of you who are new to the game, here are the rules.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07If anyone has the ball, everyone jumps on them.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09If that's a bit complicated for you,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12there is a simplified version of our rules on our website.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Oh, look, I see the speedy little Brazilian has got the ball.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Yes, I... Oh!
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Great tackle there by...everyone.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Aye, let's get down to pitch side
0:08:24 > 0:08:27and see what the injury list is looking like.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32Thanks, guys. News here is that everybody is injured.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34All of them.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37That's because this is a stupid sport.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It's not even really a sport.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41It's a sport where you can't even really score.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45You just grab the ball and... Oh. Oh, oh, oh, no!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48CHEERING
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That's one for the blooper reel, Mike.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Oh.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54This is going to be priceless.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Oh, no!
0:08:56 > 0:09:00That really is all from me this week. No, no, no!
0:09:00 > 0:09:01SCREAMING
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Oh!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Guys, but...but you haven't even got the ball!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Guys? Guys!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Oh, well. Bundle!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Argh, mates, I be Patrick the Pirate,
0:09:28 > 0:09:33and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Fun Park.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Oh, yes, yes.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Hello, mates, I be Patrick the Pirate,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Park.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It will be the best day of your life.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It will be one of the best days of your life.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58It will be one of the days of your life.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Really?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05It be very, very dangerous down here.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07It could be the last day of your life.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10While you're here, why not get yourself a big hat like mine
0:10:10 > 0:10:13and stay for lunch? We've got delicious food.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Well, we've got food.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23We've got stuff that looks like food.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29OK, we've got stuff that you can put in your mouth
0:10:29 > 0:10:31that technically could be called food,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34as long as you've got an ambulance standing by.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Argh, argh, argh.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38So, I be Patrick the Pirate,
0:10:38 > 0:10:43and I say come on down to Patrick The Pirate's Park.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47OK, fine.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52My name is not Patrick,
0:10:52 > 0:10:57it is Leonard and I am not a pirate.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I am an actor!
0:10:59 > 0:11:04And, quite frankly, I don't have to do humiliating jobs like this.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:11:06 > 0:11:08OK, fine. I do.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Come down to Leonard's Park.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16If you're a doctor, they'll probably need you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18This place is very dangerous.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Ah-argh. - CRASH!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Here at Diddy TV, we like to think of ourselves
0:11:23 > 0:11:25as caring and compassionate.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27In particular, we'll always be a friend
0:11:27 > 0:11:29to ailing, desperate, ancient TV presenters.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31We love 'em!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Hey, how you doing?
0:11:40 > 0:11:45I'm Joey LeCool and this is Bottom Gear,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48the show all about gear for your bottom.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Bottom! - HE LAUGHS
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I'm Chris Harsh, and whether it's Y-fronts,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56frilly knickers or the latest line of baggy bum bags,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00we'll be taking a serious look at them on this very serious show.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Isn't that right, Rory Reid-iculous?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Yeah. Bum bags! - HE LAUGHS
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Hey!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11It's time to see what's fresh in the laundry basket
0:12:11 > 0:12:14as I test drive the latest pants.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19BUCKLE CLINKS ZIP ZIPS
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I only agreed to do this show for one reason -
0:12:23 > 0:12:25to slip into a pair of these.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Luxe-a-tuchie, the go-to name for the dedicated pant-head.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34And the latest Y-fronts have gone one step further.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Introducing the Luxe-a-tuchie Z-fronts.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43The streamlined stitching and reinforced Kevlar gusset,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46capable of withstanding even the hottest of boil washes,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49all mean that you don't need to be a superhero
0:12:49 > 0:12:52to want to wear these underpants outside your trousers.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I can confidently say that these are the most comfortable underpants
0:12:56 > 0:12:58that I've ever worn,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and I've worn pants made of clouds and butterflies.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Now here's my favourite feature - a remote-control rear wiper.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09With variable speed.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14If you don't slow down, you'll set off the...
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Hey!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- BANG! Oh, how you doing?- ..twin airbags.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Let's just pretend that that never happened.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Sorry, Mr...- Never happened!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29See you again next time on Bottom Gear.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32How you doing? Hey!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:13:36 > 0:13:40# Channel 6597423
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# We're going to try and buy the BBC
0:13:43 > 0:13:47# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV
0:13:50 > 0:13:53# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #