0:00:02 > 0:00:03# We're back, it's Diddy TV
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Channel 6597423
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# The ratings were astounding but they just ran out of money
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# But now we're back in business to bring you fun and laughter
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a Bafta
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Channel 6597423
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# We're going to try and buy the BBC
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Diddy TV,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39a channel underestimated by critics who say it's not possible
0:00:39 > 0:00:42to dumb down TV any further.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43They're wrong - watch this!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Welcome back to Nursery Challenge,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I'm Peremy Jaxman.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56If you're just joining us,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00the Dummy Chuckers are on 278 points
0:01:00 > 0:01:03and the Nappy Heads have 26.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05OK, to continue,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07fingers on buzzers -
0:01:07 > 0:01:09what noise does a cow make?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Randolph, Nappy Heads.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Mmmmm....
0:01:12 > 0:01:14..mmm-MMMMM...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16..MMMMMM...moo.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Correct.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Next question's all about school.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Complete this sentence -
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Mrs Jones is a stinky...?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Spoff, Nappy Heads.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Poo-poo head.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Correct answer.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Moving on, who misses their mummy?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Daniels, Dummy Chuckers.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I do!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35ALL CRY
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Correct answer.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Next question's all about family.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Name one good thing about having
0:01:41 > 0:01:43older brothers or sisters?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Come on, come on, I need an answer!
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Come on!
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Humphrey, Dummy Chuckers.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Sometimes they leave us and go out the house.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56No, I'm afraid the answer is,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58there isn't anything good about them.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00GONG
0:02:00 > 0:02:02That's the end of the show for this week,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05join us next time for more Nursery Challenge.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11We all want to look after our families and loved ones,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14but nobody knows for certain what the future holds.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18What would happen to your family if you were to fall ill?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19I've got health insurance.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Seriously ill?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Life insurance.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- Or if a fire...?- Fire insurance.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27All right, then, what would happen if you fell asleep in a deckchair?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29And someone attached a rope to the deckchair?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31And the other end was attached to a jetski?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32And you got dragged out to sea
0:02:32 > 0:02:35and stranded on a desert island with no way home?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37What would happen to your family then, hmm?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Oh, I...I don't really know.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41That's why you need our new...
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Here at Worst Case Insurance,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49our dedicated team has a whole range of policies designed
0:02:49 > 0:02:53to put your mind at rest on some very specific points.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55House stolen by a gigantic bird insurance.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Oh, look, that's never going to happen.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00That's what everyone says... until it happens.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02So, would you rather be safe or sorry?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Safe, safe!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Now, this might sound utterly ridiculous,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13but you're watching Diddy TV.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Hey, how you doing?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I'm Joey Le Cool, and you're watching Bottom Gear,
0:03:26 > 0:03:31the pant-based show that's snappier than a crocodile's knickers.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Speaking of which,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35have you ever wondered how far you could fly
0:03:35 > 0:03:37powered only by knicker elastic?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39No. No-one has ever wondered that.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43That's why the three of us headed down to Nether Wallop
0:03:43 > 0:03:46in Hampshire armed only with a washing basket,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50a local phrase book and three tonnes of camiknickers.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56There'd better be a hot meal waiting for me when we get back.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Up, up and away!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02As long as we land on something soft!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06SQUELCH!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Hey! That's all from Bottom Gear for now.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Until next time, how you doing?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Coming soon to Diddy TV, a major new crime series.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- Come on, haven't you spotted it, PC Regional?- No, sir.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33The Battenburg has pink and yellow squares,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36this cake has yellow and pink squares.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38We've got the whole case upside down.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41The adventures of a maverick, eccentric, genius detective
0:04:41 > 0:04:42who's completely unlike
0:04:42 > 0:04:45every other maverick, eccentric, genius detective...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47..because this one likes cake.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Look out! Drop scones!
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Sandra!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57You've got a hard crust, Inspector.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Yes, but a gooey centre.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07The Inspector Cupcake Mysteries - they're more than half-baked.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Two little buns in a baker's shop,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12round and fat with sugar on top
0:05:16 > 0:05:20# It's new from DI-Diddy-Y It saves you loads of time
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# Every home should have one Just £14.99
0:05:23 > 0:05:27# It's simple to assemble You only need a spanner
0:05:27 > 0:05:31# And if at first it doesn't work Just hit it with a hammer
0:05:31 > 0:05:35# It's absolutely solid It doesn't cause pollution
0:05:35 > 0:05:38# You'll wonder what you did before this Diddy revolution
0:05:38 > 0:05:42# In a bunch of snazzy colours It's full of nice surprises
0:05:42 > 0:05:46# It comes in 15 different shapes and seven useful sizes
0:05:46 > 0:05:49# Compatible with Bluetooth Semaphore and Morse
0:05:49 > 0:05:53# It runs on peanut butter and chip-shop curry sauce
0:05:53 > 0:05:57# With interest-free credit But only while stocks last
0:05:57 > 0:06:01# Order one today, but hurry They're selling fast. #
0:06:03 > 0:06:04BURP!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Wouldn't it be a better world if literally everyone,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10regardless of talent, was inspired to sing?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14No, it wouldn't. What a stupid question.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21# Hello!
0:06:21 > 0:06:26# Ooh-ooooh-oohhh! #
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I'm Gareth Megaphone, the cool choirmaster.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I'm on a mission to try and get people to open their gobs and...
0:06:34 > 0:06:38# Sing! #
0:06:38 > 0:06:41# The Diddy Choir. #
0:06:41 > 0:06:47I'm here at this hostibal, and nobody's singing!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Three milligrams of ACB, BGT, CAB.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52# Boring, boring Bo-o-o-oring, boring. #
0:06:52 > 0:06:56My job will be to get the unsung heroes singing
0:06:56 > 0:06:59so they become sung heroes.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Ahem.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Miserable medics, you are my choir.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Excuse me, we are doing an operation.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Shouldn't that be OPERA-ation?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# Ooh! #
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I'm sorry, we can't.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17But...sing.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Can't!
0:07:18 > 0:07:19- Sing!- Can't!
0:07:19 > 0:07:27# Si-i-i-ing! #
0:07:27 > 0:07:29All right, then! We'll sing!
0:07:29 > 0:07:30A-one, two, three, four...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33# The head bone connected to the neck bone
0:07:33 > 0:07:36# The neck bone connected to the shoulder bone
0:07:36 > 0:07:38# The shoulder bone connected to the back bone
0:07:38 > 0:07:39# Now... #
0:07:39 > 0:07:41# Me, me
0:07:41 > 0:07:43# Look at me! #
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Right, you lot are rubbish.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Can't work with you, I'm going to go find some proper singers.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53I rolled a six!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Down the snake I go.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Is your family looking for something more challenging?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Maybe you need the game of Complex Instructions!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04From award-winning games makers Serious Fun
0:08:04 > 0:08:08comes the ultimate game of checking the rules very carefully indeed.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I rolled a minus 3, does that mean I enter the tribunal?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Only if you've got seven or more victory points
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and no more than one citadel.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Oh, "Market day at the labyrinth.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"Kestrels may be freely traded for gold."
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I thought kestrels could be traded at any time?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Yes, but not freely.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Which means you get to decide the sequence of trading,
0:08:30 > 0:08:35- either forwards or backwards, for one or more turns only.- Right.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- What does that mean?- I have no idea.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Can I take the manticore in my upgraded militia?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44With over 9,000 contradictory rules,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47seven appendices and an online update running to over 1,000 pages,
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Complex Instructions will bring the action grinding to a halt
0:08:52 > 0:08:55time after time after time.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56No.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Can you win the game of Complex Instructions?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00If so, you'd be the first.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Nobody's ever finished it yet.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Snakes and ladders?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Something a little bit different now on Diddy TV,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14we've pulled out all the stops to bring you a lavish,
0:09:14 > 0:09:19four-hour production of Giacomo Puccini's La Boheme.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Ah. Erm...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Slight problem there with our once-in-a-lifetime
0:09:28 > 0:09:30production of La Boheme.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33In fact, I've just been told we've lost it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35For ever.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36BURP!
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Oh, for goodness' sake. Here's Diddy Chat.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46It's Diddy Dick and Dom here for another Diddy Chat.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49And today, we're joined by an actress that you'll know and love,
0:09:49 > 0:09:54she plays Imara in Wolfblood, it's the one and only Michelle Gayle!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Whoo! - APPLAUSE
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Hello!- Hiya!- What was the first job that you got on TV?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02First proper job was Grange Hill, kids won't know it now,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04but it was a kids' show set in a school.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06And after that? You were in EastEnders, weren't you?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- I was in EastEnders after that. - And what was your big storyline?
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Lots of people have a main, big storyline.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12What was your big storyline?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Big storyline was getting dumped by my boyfriend.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16- Oh, it's never nice, that.- Yeah...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Was that in the days before you can do it by text?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19They had to do it to your face?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Yeah, they actually had to do it to your face.- Ugh!
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Quite brave, you had to be quite brave.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26So, let's pretend - because everyone just does it by text now,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29it's awful - that, if he was to dump you now, how would he do it?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- How would you do it? - Michelle?- Yeah?- You're dumped!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- That's not very sensitive, is it? - No, you're meant to do it like this.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36- Put on some romantic music. - ROMANTIC PIANO PLAYS
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I think we've had many, many lovely years together,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41we've made each other so happy.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I love your family, they're very dear to me.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45They're closer to me than my own family, but...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46..you're dumped!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Now, you're in Wolfblood, we all know you as Imara. Tell us about it.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Wolfblood and Imara are my favourite job
0:10:53 > 0:10:54- and favourite character.- Favourite?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Favourite altogether, because the family on Wolfblood are amazing.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59The pack is strong.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Ooh!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Whenever you do actings, there's usually very good
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- theme tunes to the shows that you do.- Yes.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I mean, the end of Wolfblood, for example,
0:11:09 > 0:11:10it sounds a little bit like this...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12WOLF HOWLS
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Doesn't it? Again, listen, it sounds like this.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17WOLF HOWLS
0:11:17 > 0:11:19At the end of EastEnders, it sounds like this...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Yep.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26And at the end of Grange Hill, the one from 31, 32 years ago,
0:11:26 > 0:11:27sounds like this...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29GRANGE HILL THEME
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Oh, yeah. That's it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31You did all the big ones!
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Which is your favourite?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Well, the favourite is the EastEnders one, because...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Oh, the one that sounds like this?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Yeah. It's, like, legendary, isn't it?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43It's, like, comedy and drama at the same time.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45See, I'm glad you like them.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47My favourite's the one that goes...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49GRANGE HILL THEME
0:11:49 > 0:11:52The way they sound sounds like the end of a story's being told.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54You know, something horrible's happened.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56So, you know, the other day, I had too many lemonades
0:11:56 > 0:11:57and I twisted my ankle.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59GRANGE HILL THEME
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh, it was terrible, the other day I went to my bike
0:12:02 > 0:12:04and they'd replaced my wheels with sausages!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Have you got a story you've got an ending to?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11One day, I got asked to do an interview,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14and it turned out to be with you guys!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16GRANGE HILL THEME
0:12:17 > 0:12:19You came here and they stuck purple tights on you.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- WOLF HOWLS - Exactly!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Michelle Gayle, thank you very much for joining us
0:12:24 > 0:12:27on the sofa for a wonderful Diddy Chat. Have you had a nice time?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I've had a great time, thank you for having me.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- See you next time for more Diddy Chat.- Bye!- Bye!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Mighty Useless Clunking Robots,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38attack!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40That's right! Now, at last, you can
0:12:40 > 0:12:42bring all the fun of your favourite incomprehensible
0:12:42 > 0:12:45live-action manga show into your own home with
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Mighty Useless Clunking Robots action figures!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Each with incredible transforming action!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Go from something vaguely human to something
0:13:00 > 0:13:03sort of like a toaster in three easy steps.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Seven tricky ones.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09And one it's technically impossible due to cheap, shoddy construction.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Why stop at one?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15If you've got more money than sense, get all four Mighty Useless
0:13:15 > 0:13:20action figures and combine them into the awesome Maximus Junkatron!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Now, that's what I call mighty useless!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Mighty Useless Clunking Robot action figures,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Just £14.99...
0:13:30 > 0:13:33And that's another day lovingly dispatched and ready to flush.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Goodbye!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38# Diddy TV, Diddy TV
0:13:38 > 0:13:41# Channel 6597423
0:13:41 > 0:13:45# We're going to try and buy the BBC
0:13:45 > 0:13:48# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #