0:00:02 > 0:00:04So, the most important thing about DNN is...
0:00:04 > 0:00:05- BOTH:- Me.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Serious journalism.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08The people!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10The people in Newcastle! Howay!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12That it's live!
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Aaggh! Hiding places!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Oh, my wow - it's totally the being on the telly!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19But also the getting paid. But then maybe it's the meeting celebs.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21And DNN is...what again?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Let me rephrase that.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26What is the one thing that DNN can't do without?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Right! Right, that's it.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38To get you lot to pull together, we're going to do a job swap.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40You will all do each other's jobs
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and see what it's like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44What's this?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Note from my mum - I'm not allowed to wear other people's shoes
0:00:47 > 0:00:49because I've got the gluefoot.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Hello and Welcome to DNN, I'm the hoity-toity Felicity Bond...
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Seriously? That's what we're doing? Really?- Yeah!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10OK. I'm the human chimp Bob Roberts.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Bit harsh...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14And these are the headlines...
0:01:14 > 0:01:17The Post Office shows off a new machine for licking stamps.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26The star of a new shampoo advert says it's because I'm "WOOF" it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31# Hold your body close to mine... #
0:01:31 > 0:01:35And a miracle cat denies he has a small vocabulary.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Hey. Hey.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42So in other news... No, hang on, you should say that.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43OK. And in other news...
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- Then I interrupt you to say something stupid.- Right.- Bogey!
0:01:47 > 0:01:48THEY LAUGH
0:01:48 > 0:01:52And I say, "Bob, what are you doing?"
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Bob and Felicity! This is not what I meant!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57You're supposed to swap jobs with one of the team -
0:01:57 > 0:01:59not just clothes and chairs!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Well, you should have been more specific, Henry.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I'd never say "specific". Too many...syllaberries.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I'd just pull a face and fall off my chair.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Good job, fake Bob.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13So, it's time for the part of the show where DNN attempts to
0:02:13 > 0:02:15solve your problems.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yes, but instead of the people's champion Phil Tyme, we've got
0:02:18 > 0:02:23human loudspeaker Davina Wave - and the fantastic, mysterious,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26magnificent Map. Are you there, Mappy?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Haway, yous two! Davina Wave here -
0:02:28 > 0:02:33I'm nae people's champion, I'm just champion!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Sorry, sorry, Davina - where's Mappy? That woman is not Mappy!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39All right, weird Bob, dinnae have a radgie -
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Mappy's working the camera today!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Say hello, Mappy.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Right, that could be anyone. Do the other hand.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Ha! The Glove! Mappy's glove!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- He's amazing!!- What are you looking into today, Davina?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Well, Flicky, this is Stephanie.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Say hello, Stephanie, man.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I have a serious bathroom situation.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Urgh! Why didn't you go earlier, then, man?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03No, I mean my bathroom is ruined.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I hired these builders and they've made a total pig's ear of it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I mean, the light switch now rings the doorbell...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:10 > 0:03:13..the toilet flushes up instead of down...
0:03:13 > 0:03:15TOILET FLUSHES
0:03:15 > 0:03:18..and now the shower has a mind of its own.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21CLANKING AND SPRAYING
0:03:23 > 0:03:24See!
0:03:24 > 0:03:25She won't even make us a cup of tea.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28That's because you all take 12 sugars.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Ha-way!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Chill the mint oot, man.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39You know, there's an old saying in Newcastle,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41if you can't stop your belly aching,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I'll chuck yous in the Tyne, man!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Reet, Stephanie, gan make a cup of tea, will you?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51OK, you, can you not just fix the combobulator with like,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I don't know, a whirlswig or summat?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Hadn't thought of that. I'll try.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59SQUEAKING
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Shower sorted!
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Reet, you, what if you parry the flush at a 720 degree whirl
0:04:06 > 0:04:07or something?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- I don't know.- That might work.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11SCREECHING
0:04:11 > 0:04:14TOILET FLUSHES
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Mint. You over there, tap that radiator three times. Howay.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21THREE TAPS
0:04:21 > 0:04:23That's incredible!
0:04:23 > 0:04:24I don't believe it!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27You're the greatest people's champion of the world.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I know. I know.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33It's like I say, if your problem's a screamer, call Auntie Davina.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Howay! Hoo!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Thanks, Davina.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41You know, there might actually be something in this job swap idea.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Mappy is the best cameraman ever.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45He didn't even drop it ONCE. I would have dropped it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Following on from that unexpected triumph - let's get the traffic
0:04:54 > 0:04:57and travel news - not with Bea Rhodes, but with Phil Tyme.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Phil! What's the traffic like?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Well, I'm "live"
0:05:01 > 0:05:04as usual, and I don't know why Bea makes such a big
0:05:04 > 0:05:07fuss about the travel, to be honest.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It's quiet as a librarian's grave, Bob.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Er, Felicity, Phil...
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- Oh, yeah. Felicity. Sorry. - Er, what road are you on, Phil?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I haven't got a Scooby Doo where we are.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19We just parked the van and went for a wander.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23How about the traffic news around the country, Phil?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25You'll love this, Bob.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Get ready!
0:05:26 > 0:05:31A lorry's spilt a load of snooker equipment on the A39.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35So I guess you could expect long "cues"!
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Cues, geddit?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Please yourselves.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43On the B1331, apparently a time portal has opened up.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Delays are expected there until last week.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49That was Terry's that one.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Don't look so pleased with yourself,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54that joke should come with an instruction manual.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Hang on, Phil, are you saying you're making up this traffic news?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Um, is that not what Bea does? - I have no idea.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- No!- Well, I had to fill the airtime with something -
0:06:03 > 0:06:04there's nowt else going on, look.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Well, that's where you're wrong, Phil -
0:06:06 > 0:06:10we've tracked your phone and I'm hearing there's a major traffic
0:06:10 > 0:06:13jam developing only a few streets from where you are right now.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Aha! And you want me to discover what's causing the hold-up?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Well, have no fear, pretty version of Bob -
0:06:20 > 0:06:24investigative travel reporter Phil Tyme is on the case!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Come on - let's go and find out what the hold-up is,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31cos this traffic "jam" is "toast".
0:06:31 > 0:06:34See, Terry? Keep it simple. We'll see you in a bit.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Phil will be back with more traffic news later in the show...when
0:06:38 > 0:06:39he finds some traffic.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Gah! I've got a ladder in my tights.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No-one can see it under the desk, Bob.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45But it's uncomfortable!
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Oh, that's better.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Although I am concerned where the roofer has gone.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Showbiz now...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Oh, you know talking in your stupid voice has given me
0:07:00 > 0:07:01a new-found admiration for you.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Showbiz now, so let's go over to not Kelly Fornia, but Jahmene Mann.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What do you make of it so far, Jahmers?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12I'll be straight with you... Boblicity. It's pretty bad.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16You should know, Jahmene - there's no such thing as bad Boblicity.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Yeah, there is and I'm looking at it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21And I'm looking at you...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Right. Showbiz news!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Finn from Emmerdale contracts "Bart Simpson hand".
0:07:27 > 0:07:28It might be my last one here.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I've been shortlisted for a job.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Young Dracula goes...live!
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Vampiress liberation!
0:07:35 > 0:07:39ALL: Vampiress Liberation.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41And on EastEnders, Shirley suddenly remembers
0:07:41 > 0:07:43the fourth letter of the alphabet.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Dee!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52So get ready for my first showbiz report.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56A new era dawns - let's meet the stars!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Yes, it still works!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Hello, Britain.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03So, as I'm new to this, I want a guide to doing the perfect
0:08:03 > 0:08:07interview, and helping me is Britain's best - Chris Johnson.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- It's Chris Johnson, everyone! - Thanks, Jahmene.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11It's a pleasure to be here.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Chris, you've done loads of interviews,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15what advice can you give me?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Very important, first off, you need to make sure...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Chris, do we have to do this interview inside?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22It's just... I'm a lot more comfortable outdoors.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23I suppose we could...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Great. If you could just hurry up, cos the walls are closing in.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29So, tips?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- For starters, I'd lose the sign. - Why?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34It's not necessary, Jahmene.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- I'll just take that from you. - No! Get off!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- My sign!- You're embarrassing yourself.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- It's mine.- Just give me the sign!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Get off!- Let me have it!
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- So, what else?- Well, I'd say it's very important to...
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Chris, this feels weird.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I'm used to people air-guitaring or doing impressions
0:08:52 > 0:08:53when I talk to them.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- I could air-guitar for a bit, if that would help.- Brilliant, yeah.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58There we go. Cheers, Chris. So, more tips.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01It's important to listen - don't interrupt...
0:09:01 > 0:09:02I'm not really feeling this.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Could you maybe be Britain's best hip shaker as well?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- What, like...? - Yeah, that's it, yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- But don't stop air-guitaring. - At the same time?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Yeah. So, what are the big interview no-nos?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Biggest one for me would be
0:09:15 > 0:09:17to never make your guests feel ridiculous about themselves.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Could you do your best monkey impression?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20I'd really rather not.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23It'll be perfect. I'll do it with you. Look!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26HE IMITATES A MONKEY
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Listen, this isn't for me.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Good luck, and thank you for your time, but I'm done.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Chris, don't leave. Waggh!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Man down.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Thanks, Jahmene!
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Showbiz isn't for you, but I'm sure you will find your niche.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45His niche? She's probably down at the shwingsh.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Now it's time for us to meet the street -
0:09:47 > 0:09:49and doing that this week is Britain's Best...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51THEY WHISPER
0:09:51 > 0:09:56..high-visibility jacket wearer. It's Beatrice Rhodes!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Bea?- ARGH! Sorry! Is it safe to come out now?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02So Bea, what was it like leaving traffic behind?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Unfortunately, Bob, I didn't.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Argh! Graphic!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Today, I'm looking for members of the...public...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh, I don't like it!
0:10:11 > 0:10:15..who can do Britain's best...transport noises?!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- SHE SCREAMS - Please don't make me!
0:10:21 > 0:10:22- Honk! - BEA SQUEALS
0:10:22 > 0:10:24THEY IMITATE TRAIN
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Beep-beep!- Argh!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Helicopter!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Choo! Choo!- Argh!
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Argh, motorbike!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Broom! Broom! Broom!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- ALL: Nya-ow! - They're swarming!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw...!- Argh!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Tickets, please. - Oh, I don't like buses!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43SHE WHIMPERS
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Argh!- Ah! Sorry, sorry!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I'm hoping you can't impersonate a vehicle for me!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49I'm terrified of...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- HE WHIMPERS - ..vehicles.- Are you?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Oh, thank goodness!- Yes.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- They're almost as scary as...BEARS! - Argh!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- BEARS!- WHERE?! - THEY SCREAM
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Ah! Stop screaming!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Bears can sense fear!- Stop being so scared, you're scaring me!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I know, sorry, but you're scaring me and that's scaring you and that's...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- attracting the bears!- Argh!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11THEY SCREAM AND WHIMPER
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, that's... That's much better, thank you.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Beep! Beep! THEY SCREAM
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- So, Bea... - Argh! Sorry, I wasn't ready.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Has doing the job swap made you think of, oh, I don't know,
0:11:22 > 0:11:23maybe a change of career?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Change! Oh, I don't like it!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I've got the perfect career for you, Bea.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- Really?- Oh, yes, really.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33A bomb disposal expert!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Argh! Bomb! Aagh!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38SHE SCREAMS If you're any good at it,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41there'll be no loud bangs.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43That's not a real bomb, is it?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47No, it's the fake one you gave me for Christmas.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48BOOM!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53So we have to go to a break now, but we'll be back after these messages.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55We need to talk, mister.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00OK, everyone, we're on a break, um, thing.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Thanks, Steve. Where's Steve?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Job swap.- Oh.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And how do you walk in these things? I feel like Mr Tumnus.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09OK, everyone, can I have a word please?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10- ALL: Pointless.- Yes, yes, very good.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I think this is giving us all some wonderful insight into each...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- Henry, two things.- Yes, Nellie.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17One - I really don't think you should have swapped
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- the make-up artist and the cleaner. - It's just the tip of my...nose!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24And two - I can't believe you want a journalist of my stature
0:12:24 > 0:12:25to tell you if it's going to rain or not.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Everyone takes part in job swap, Nellie. No exceptions.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Who are you swapping with, then?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I'm the boss, Nellie. That would be appropriate.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36No exceptions, Henry. Teamwork, remember!
0:12:36 > 0:12:37You can swap with me!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Fine. I will swap jobs with you, then, Bob.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You all heard that! No givesies-backsies!
0:12:41 > 0:12:45And now I'm in charge, I can make you do someone else's job.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47And have I got a treat for you. Make-up!
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Oh, now, hang on!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Don't worry, Henry. She's surprisingly gentle.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52I'm afraid you missed a bit.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54And we're back on in ten... Oh, no, in five, four...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Oh, now!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Hello and welcome back to DNN.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Hang on, where's Bob gone?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Oh, no, I'm here.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07It's fine, Bob, I can present the show on my own.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08I practically do anyway.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Don't be ridiculous, He-licity.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12It takes two people to drive a car.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16And that is why no-one gives you rides any more, Bob.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Gary! Go and sit next to "Bob", would you?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Yep! Right!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22So, let's get on with the show and...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Do I read Bob's bits or Felicity's bits?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- You read Felicity's lines. - But you're Felicity.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29No, Gary, I'm Felicity.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31And I'm Bob.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32I'm really confused.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33No change there.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36So it's time now for our special report.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Recently, the world's most expensive stamp was put up for auction
0:13:39 > 0:13:43with a predicted price tag of up to £12 million.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46For that money, I'd want my letter to go somewhere really far away,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48like Spain.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Anyway, apparently, you can buy all sorts of things at auction -
0:13:51 > 0:13:53cows, furniture, more cows.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56To find out more, we sent the woman with an eye for a bargain
0:13:56 > 0:13:58and a mouth for a talking, Kelly Fornia.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Over to you, Kelly.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Hi, besties!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Here I am doing a total serious-face report
0:14:07 > 0:14:11from one of Britain's awesomest auction houses!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13This is Wendy Kitchen.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- She's one of the auctioneers. - POSH ACCENT:- Hello, Kelly.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18The thing I uber-heart about auctioneer voices
0:14:18 > 0:14:20is that you talk really, really, really fast
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and it's amazing, like you're on times 12 or times 30 or something.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It's a total speed-fest. Can you teach me how to do it?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I don't think that's really necessary, do you, Kelly?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29You're so, so nice, thank you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Anyway, Kelly, things have been rather tricky around here recently,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35as not many buyers have been coming in.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Therefore, we're selling things very, very cheaply.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Yay, bargain balls!
0:14:40 > 0:14:45- Er, no, Kelly. It means we're going out of business.- For reals?
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Ooh, sad face.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49OK, besties, investigation time.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Let's go shopping!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, my wow!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Sparse-o-rama!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00There's totally no-one here.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03This is lot 139.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Portrait of a young man by Sandro Botticelli.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08This is rather a special piece,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11so I'll be starting the bidding at £5,000.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13£5,000 to the gentleman with the glasses.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Oh, my wow! Is THAT what you're bidding on?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17£6,000 to the lady with the camera crew.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18£7,000.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Do I have 8,000, £8,000?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- You're so winning! - That's 8,000. Do I have 9?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- 9,000?- It almost looks like J Biebs.
0:15:24 > 0:15:2610,000, do I have 11,000?
0:15:26 > 0:15:27£11,000.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- The Biebster. - 12, and that's £12,000. 13.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32- Bieber the diva.- £14,000.
0:15:32 > 0:15:3315,000.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- And the price just keeps on going up!- 16,000.
0:15:37 > 0:15:3917,000 to the man with the glasses.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- This is awesome.- 18,000 to the lady with the camera crew, thank you...
0:15:43 > 0:15:44- Amazing!- £80,000.- Grr!
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- £90,000.- You're so going to win! - £100,000.- Grr!- Going once...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Oh, no, wait!
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Going twice.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- This is the best bit.- Sold... to the lady with the camera crew.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Yay!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Oh, wait. What, me?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Anyways, for the second part of my special report,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I'm going to investigate what happens when you, like,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08buy something at an auction
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and then try to get away with not paying for it,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12because that's an interesting question
0:16:12 > 0:16:15and I'm a serious journalist. Ser-ournalist, new word!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Er, madam!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19BOING!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Time now for the sports news.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Yes, so let's cross over to a sports legend in his own goal -
0:16:26 > 0:16:29it's Gary Ogden.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Hang on, that's me!
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Thanks, Gary. Oh!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36My pleasure, Gary.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Hang on.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39No, no, it's my pleasure, Gary.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- BREATHLESSLY:- No, it's my pleasure, Gary.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Don't worry, Gary, mate, I've got this.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Yes, I'm not Gary Ogden. I'm Bob Roberts.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51I mean, Felicity Bond... Or am I Henry Smart?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It's so crowded in here!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Anyway, this is the DNN Sports Locker
0:16:55 > 0:16:56and these are the headlines.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59The first entry into next year's Grand National
0:16:59 > 0:17:00looks unlikely to win.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04MUSIC: "Baby Elephant Walk" by Henry Mancini
0:17:04 > 0:17:08The England cricket team's new fielder is still an improvement.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11MUSIC: "O Fortuna" by Carl Orff
0:17:18 > 0:17:21And there is a sporty Narnia sequel in the works
0:17:21 > 0:17:23called The Lion, The Witch And The Paddling Pool.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Whoa!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30So, what is the sport report today, Bob?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- Not a clue!- Well, Felicity... Bob, as you are no doubt aware,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37the British Olympics, or Commonwealth Games
0:17:37 > 0:17:40as they are known, are coming to Glasgow next week.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- I sent Gary Ogden to find out more. - Well, hang on, Gary!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Aren't you supposed to swap jobs with somebody?- I have!
0:17:47 > 0:17:52- I'm Out-And-About Gary. I have job swapped with Studio Gary.- Oh, right!
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Well, that explains it. What?!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Over to you, Studio Gary.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Thanks, Out-And-About Gary.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Yes, today I'm finding out about the exciting world of long jumping,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06or as it is known down my way, extreme beach kangarooing.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07And to help me, I'm joined
0:18:07 > 0:18:10by Commonwealth Gameser and close personal friend
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Chris Tomlinson.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I don't think we've met.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Come on, Tommo, Tom-Tom Bongo.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I was there when you won your silver medal. You must remember.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It was the day I invented the Mobot.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29You were probably distracted by winning a silver medal. Some friend!
0:18:29 > 0:18:33What do I say when I jump? Geronimo? To infinity and beyond?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- You don't say anything.- OK, I'll just go with the classic, then.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-G...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42DEN!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- How's that?! - Well, that's my mark down there.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Yeah, but I did a star jump, mate, so points for artistic flair.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's actually just for distance, Gary.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Chris, trust me, I've been long jumping for over 15 minutes now.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's about style as well. Watch and learn, mate.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59'And here comes Ogden with The Superman.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01'Closely followed by The Super Egyptian.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04'Oh, and he has pulled out The Pirate.'
0:19:04 > 0:19:06AAAARGH!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08'And I've got no idea what that one is!'
0:19:10 > 0:19:12That's what I call the Beatrice Rhodes.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14So, Chris, what do you think?
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Bye, Gary.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Yes! I got a bye!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22So, Studio Gary goes straight to the finals on his first go.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Take that, the Commonwealth! Back to you, Out-And-About Gary.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Thanks, Studio Gary. My pleasure, Out-And-About Gary.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- BOTH:- And that is it for Sports Locker this week. Oh!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I am so sorry, Out-And-About Gary What am I like?
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Well, me!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39THEY LAUGH
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- BOTH:- Back to you two. Oh!
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Oh, you silly sausage!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Thanks, Gary.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Now it's time for the weather, but instead of Davina,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50we've got the woman who is always under a cloud,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- it's Nellie Osmond. - Thank you, Robert.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Yes, of all the jobs on DNN for which I am hugely overqualified,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57today I have been assigned the role which is most beneath me -
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- the weather.- I think you'll find the weather is above you, Nellie.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01That is how weather works.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04And what record will you be setting today, Nellie?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Davina's records will be pretty hard to top.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09It's not hard to SET a record, Felicity.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You just do something no-one has ever tried before.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I have picked something which Davina has never tried before.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Radical! Well, to spice up things even more,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I've sent you a sidekick. Look, it's Flappy! Ha-ha!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I put him in my personal Mappy commemorative suit.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Why do you have a Mappy suit, Bob?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I think the question is, why don't you?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- I can't feel my cheeks. - Which cheeks?- Any of them!
0:20:35 > 0:20:40No talking, Flappy! OK, Nellie, in three, seven... Go!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42We start in Southampton, where it will be sunny.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Go away!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Kent will be cold, Bristol boiling.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49It will be roasting in Rotherham and Morecambe will be muggy.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Seriously, get off the screen, I'm trying to do a job of work here.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- Buxton, breezy. Winchester, windy. - Come on, Flappy! More arms!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- More legs! More flap! - Stop interrupting, Robert.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Gales in Hale, hail in Hull. Sleet in Fleet and Derby will be dull.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08In London, it will be drizzly, which brings us to Edinburgh,
0:21:08 > 0:21:09which might be my home,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12but unlike Davina and her unprofessional obsession,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I will treat Edinburgh like any other place,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17even if it is Europe's most beautiful city.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I mean, it's the home of Holyrood Palace, the Festival and the Tattoo.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Birthplace of Sir Walter Scott, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- magnificent Edinburgh! - Time's up, Nellie!
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Jewel of the north!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31# And I would walk 500 miles...
0:21:31 > 0:21:36- Can you hear us? Nellie! - # And I would walk 500 more
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- # Just to be the man who... # - Nellie!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43And in Edinburgh, it will be overcast. And that's the weather.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- Thanks, Nellie. Want to know how you did?- No.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- Want to know how you did, Flappy? - Bob, I am not Flappy!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Don't spoil it, Henry, I had just started to respect you.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02So, let's return to Phil Tyme with traffic news. Phil, go!
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Thank you, studio.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07It is an absolute log jam here and listen to those horns!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I've never known anything to honk this much
0:22:09 > 0:22:13since the power went dead on Terry's Scotch egg fridge.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Gross, Phil!
0:22:15 > 0:22:16You are welcome, Felici-bob.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Now, this lot might be content to sit in their vehicles, tooting away,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23but someone has got find out what is causing this mayhem
0:22:23 > 0:22:28and that someone is Philip Tyme, the people's travel champion.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Sir, how long have you been sat here?- It's been well over an hour!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I'm supposed to be at a very important business meeting
0:22:34 > 0:22:38right now and, as you can see, everyone is getting very cross!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I tell you, I feel very sorry for whoever has caused this
0:22:41 > 0:22:43because this lot are going to give him a right good hiding.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47And as we reach the front of the jam, you can understand why.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51There is a vehicle abandoned in the middle of the road
0:22:51 > 0:22:52and no-one can get past it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I mean, what bean-brained moron would think it's OK
0:22:56 > 0:22:58to park their stupid news van...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01right in the middle... of a busy road.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Cheese and crackers, Terry! It's ours! Quick, get in!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Oh, no!
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- Phil!- Yes, Felicity, not my fault.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Terry, you told me it was a long, thin car park, you wazzock.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Oh, look! A very determined autograph hunter.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21We are very flattered, but we are in a rush, yeah? Take him back, Terry.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Floor it! Floor it!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Take him back! - TYRES SCREECH
0:23:25 > 0:23:29And that is all we have time for on this strange, strange day.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32So, job-swap day. What do you say, team? Shall we do it again?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33- No!- No!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- No!- ALL: No!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Totally, but in no way.- No.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Ah, but it worked!
0:23:39 > 0:23:42See, Henry, the whole team has pulled together
0:23:42 > 0:23:47and agreed that job swap is the stupidest idea ever.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Well, at least we didn't see your don't-look-at-me hat.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Don't look at me! Say goodbye, Bob.- Goodbye, Bob.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57That actually worked. Jahmene, which of us is the better Felicity?
0:23:57 > 0:24:02- I AM Felicity, Bob!- And I'm the upgrade! Come on, Jahmene! Choose!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Fine. Choose, Jahmene. - I feel really uncomfortable.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08This is just like the whole iOS/Android thing all over again.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Would it kill you to tell me for once that I am beautiful?!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Don't look at me!