0:00:02 > 0:00:03On air in less than a minute.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05So, on today's show we've got Gary tackling rugby.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Gary learned how to play rugby without getting a bump to the head?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10- Shaver!- Judge for yourself.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Table for two, please.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Yes, names of Ogden and my close personal friend, Wayne Rooney.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17He sounds delusional. Completely normal, then.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19SHAVER BUZZES
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Smooth as a baby's bum.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- Hang on...- Wardrobe!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Phil's in the middle of an operation...
0:00:25 > 0:00:27To have Terry surgically removed from his side?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31- No, an undercover operation involving faulty games consoles.- Ho-ho!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Looking sharp. Hair!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39And we've got Kelly taking a look at the latest TV awards.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- SHE GASPS - Quite a coup, Henry.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Thanks, Felicity. It's all about your contacts.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Felicity doesn't wear contacts!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48We're on in ten, nine...
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- How did you...? - OK, OK, relax, everyone!
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Things just got less scarier because the Bobster's in the area.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- You forgot your shoes.- Huh?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Oh!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Hello and welcome to DNN. I'm Bob Roberts.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I'm the timeless Felicity Bond.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20This is a pineapple in a bobble hat.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22And these are today's headlines.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26DJ Snoop Dogg takes part in "Bring Your Pet To Work Day".
0:01:30 > 0:01:32New footage shows what car factory robots
0:01:32 > 0:01:34get up to in their spare time.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And the chinchilla twins' birthday party falls flat
0:01:43 > 0:01:44when the cake doesn't turn up.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47GLUM PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Talking about birthdays... we have one in the studio today!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Really? Is it Steve on props?- No.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Steve on sound?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You know who it is, Bob!
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Ah! Is it Steve on pineapples?!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06It's none of the Steves. It's you!
0:02:06 > 0:02:07PFFFFFFT!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Felicity, please, put your tongue away!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, that's very kind, but it's not my birthday.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Well, according to your police file, it is.- No, no...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I know you're wrong because my birthday was this time last year.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That's how they work. Once a year. Same date.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Yeah, right! Like everybody has a birthday EVERY year!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27They do.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Really? Steve?- Yeah?- Steve?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Yeah?- Steve?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Yeah, that's true.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38But Mother told me that you only get one every...15 years.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Well, this has taken a turn for the unexpectedly depressing.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Um, happy birthday, Bob.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45# Happy birthday to ya... #
0:02:45 > 0:02:48THANKS, EVERYONE! Ha-ha!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50So, how old are you today, then?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Felicity! You should never ask a lady her age.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01Now it's time to... Felicity, there's a tiny man in my ear.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02No, Bob, that's Henry,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05who I believe wants us to link to something.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07No, yes, my mistake, Felicity.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Apparently, we need to strive to hill climb
0:03:12 > 0:03:15while striking a variety of gongs.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17No, Bob, we need to go live to Phil Tyme,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20who is fighting to right society's wrongs.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23By investigating gongs? You know, two gongs don't make a right.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25No, Bob. No gongs.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Where are you, Phil?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Hello, Felicity. This is the people's champion, Phil Tyme,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34coming live from a department store in Manchester,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37where I'm standing up for this fella, Chris.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Say hello, Chris.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- You all right?- Hee-hee, chatty fella, ain't he, Terry?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Anyway, Chris sent me a letter yesterday about his games console.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Now, this department store won't let Chris return his unwanted
0:03:50 > 0:03:53games console even though he's only had it for three days.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57And to the people's champion, Phil Tyme, that is disgusting.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01So it's up to me to go in there and give them a piece of my mind.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Once the queue settles down a bit. Steady on, steady on, Terry!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06No, I'm not wimping out.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I just don't want to cause a kerfuffle by pushing in.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Seriously, there's a woman in there,
0:04:11 > 0:04:15she's returning some candlesticks and she looks ready to kick off, yeah?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17So join us later on when it's going to be me and Chris
0:04:17 > 0:04:21sorting this mess out, wrong-writingly live.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Go on, grumpy-chops, play ball!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27That's the ticket! We'll see you in a bit.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Time for an all-new world record weather challenge with
0:04:31 > 0:04:35the nation's third-favourite Geordie, Davina Wave and Map!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Yeah! Bring on Mappy!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39This week, I'm setting the record for...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41DRUM ROLL
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Jahmene and Kelly, give us a hand, man. Howay! Come on.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- JAHMENE:- Hey, Gramps, are these yours?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Jahmene, stop embarrassing me in front of Mappy!
0:04:52 > 0:04:57Right, stopwatch at the ready, Flicky. In three, two, one...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59KLAXON ..we're off! Oh, look...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03So it's time for the weather in London...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06where I'm thrilled to tell yous it'll be raining,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08so get your umbrellas out. Huh!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Now over to Northern Ireland!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13The glove! Mappy's glove!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Ha-ha-ha!- It's a miracle!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Woo-hoo, T-shirts on for once, Belfast!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It's gonna be toastier than a freshly toasted piece of toast
0:05:21 > 0:05:23that's married another piece of toast and is being toasted
0:05:23 > 0:05:25at the wedding reception. Huh!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28And now, let's crank it up a gear,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30cos it's the only weather that matters...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34England's jewel in the crown!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Where even the rain can't dampen our spirits,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42cos whatever the weather, it's purely belter!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Time's up, Davina!- How did I do?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Well, Davina, you managed to put on 38 items of clothing.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Another win for Newcastle! We've set a new record,
0:05:52 > 0:05:56and they'll be celebrating on the Millennium Bridge tonigh...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Davina, are you OK?
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Aye, it's just not natural for a Geordie to have this many layers on.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Davina Wave there,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07proving that no-one can hack it in a hot suit like Mappy.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Time for the latest celebrity goss now with our super-speed
0:06:16 > 0:06:20showbiz correspondent, Kelly Fornia. Good week, Kelly?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Oh, it's been brilliant, Flickster!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I went to see Katy Perry on tour this week, she is just soooo cool.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27If I could be a pop star, I'd probably be her.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Or Cheryl Cole, or Nicole Scherzinger. Doesn't matter which.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32All brilliant. Then I threw a Eurovision party at my house.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Sorry you and the Bobster couldn't make it.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Gary came, though he didn't bring Lewis Hamilton like he said
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- he would. Hi, Gary!- Hi, Kelly, sorry Lewis couldn't make it.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43He was busy doing, erm, car...stuff.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Oh, David Beckham is calling me. I have to take this.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Hi, David. Yes, yes...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Sounds like a fun week. What else is going on?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Yes, well, of course, the mega red carpet event EVERYONE is
0:06:54 > 0:06:57talking about is the BAFTA Television Awards.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00And I've got a sneak peek at some of the nominations.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh, my... Wow, I would totally love to be nominated for an award...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Kelly...- ..cos the ceremony would be uber-awesome.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- And then we could all get dressed up!- Kelly...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- I could wear the red number I wore for Chantel's 21st...- Kelly!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- ..but I wouldn't want to clash with the red carpet.- Kelly, stop!
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Why? Is it Hammer time? Brilliant!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY - No! Tell us about the nominations.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Oh, yeah. Sorry, Flickster.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25In the best use of the world's smallest maracas category,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27the hot favourite is Mary from Corrie.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30They'd fallen out. Robbie was gallivanting about
0:07:30 > 0:07:32and Gary felt let down.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34For the nastiest kitchen appliance award,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37the frontrunner is the sink on Dani's House.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38SINK GURGLES
0:07:38 > 0:07:41No, you just made it worse.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43THEY SHRIEK
0:07:43 > 0:07:47And hoping to win the mistaking household objects for animals
0:07:47 > 0:07:51category for the 12th year running is Alfie Moon on EastEnders.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Kat?
0:07:54 > 0:07:59But the most fiercely contested category is between the soaps for
0:07:59 > 0:08:00the totally over-the-top,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03would never happen in a month of Sundays storyline award.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06My tip is this classic scene
0:08:06 > 0:08:08from new soap on the block, Shingle Street.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13The game's up, Maxine.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I know it was you that smashed up the laundrette to claim
0:08:16 > 0:08:19the insurance money after you flooded your nail bar with the oil
0:08:19 > 0:08:20you stole from the car lot.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22But, Tessa...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I'm not Maxine.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- I'm Maxine!- What?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Mark and I switched brains after the flood. I'm Maxine now.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33And I'm Mark. What d'you think about that, Tessa?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- She ain't Tessa, I am!- You're Tessa?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Yeah, me and Tessa switched brains after I ran over Rex the dog.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44Oh, poor Rex, he's been in the dog 'ospital for months now.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47No, I haven't. I swapped brains with Charlene after t'accident.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Woof!
0:08:49 > 0:08:50- Rex?!- Barry?!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- Tessa?!- Maxine?!
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Mark?!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Wait, wait, wait, I'm confused. Who am I again?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Well, I for one am confused after watching that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Er, what happened to Rex, then?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Come on, Bobster, it's uber-simple.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Rex swapped brains with Charlene, who swapped brains with Barry,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14who was actually Tessa, but that was after Tessa...
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Captain Roberts to transporter room. Energise.- ..the insurance money.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Ooh! That feels sparkly!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Technology news now,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29and how do you imagine that the house of the future will look?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- Well...- Metal. Big and metal. - Really?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Oh, yeah! With four feet that can crush everything in its path.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Oh, so you imagine them to be mobile? Interesting thought.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46Of course. And its mane will light up so you can ride at night,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- and the saddle will automatically adjust to the rider.- HOUSE!
0:09:50 > 0:09:51This is no time for bingo, Flicky.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54No, the HOUSE of the future. Not HORSE!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Oh, I dunno then. Silver!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Hi-ho, Silver! Up!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Ha-ha! - SILVER NEIGHS
0:10:02 > 0:10:07Well, the house of the future - HOUSE - could well be
0:10:07 > 0:10:10controlled by an intelligent system which tends to our every need.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Here's Nellie Osmond's special report.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22You join me here outside the so-called smart house of the future
0:10:22 > 0:10:26where, using a tablet computer, you can control the heating, lighting,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29even the cooker, if you're one of those weaklings requiring hot food.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32'I had secured a tour with Sven Jurgenburgen,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35'the architect of this home-shaped nightmare.'
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Every feature is controlled by central computer intelligence.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Hello, House.- 'Hello, Sven.'
0:10:42 > 0:10:45House, please make our guest comfortable.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47No, no, no, idle body, idle mind.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49MECHANICAL WHIRRING
0:10:49 > 0:10:53'Would you like to use my massage function?'
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Certainly not. CHAIR BUZZES
0:10:55 > 0:10:58SHAKY VOICE: Some may say... Right, my voice sounds ridiculous
0:10:58 > 0:11:00but I'll soldier on because I am a professional.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Some may say that your design encourages laziness.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07It is not laziness, Nellie, it's efficiency.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09'Your cake, sir.'
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Lazy, lazy, lazy. Right, chair off.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Everything in this house is automatically adjusted,
0:11:18 > 0:11:23from the temperature of the shower to the fluffiness of the towels.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26The shower is actually dirt sensitive.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34How dare you! I polished this face this morning, I'll have you know!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Look, at least give me a towel.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42Right, Sven, is there anything in this house that isn't intelligent?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44'Where's my dinner?'
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, the toilet's a little stupid.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53And what better at the end of the day than an intelligent bedroom?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Give it a go. Just lie back as you usually would.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- You sleep like that?- Obviously. Now, come along! I want to wrap this up.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- COMPUTER: - Wrapping sequence initiated.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15This is ridiculous! I'm trying to do a job here!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18This is Nellie Osmond reporting from the idiotic house of the future.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Back to the studio.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Thanks, Nellie. Well, to find out more about how such technological
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"advancements" are changing our lives,
0:12:27 > 0:12:32our resident "techspert" Bill Grates, "joins" us now.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35So, Bill, should we fear or embrace technology?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Well, Felicity, technology simplifies our lives. All those jobs
0:12:39 > 0:12:42that we used to have to do can now be performed by machines.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Well, not every job. It's not like machines could do OUR job, is it?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Funny you should say that, Bob. - Thanks!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Because I have a world exclusive for DNN viewers today.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58It's the planet's first Fully Automated Robotic Telecaster.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- What?- Yes, it's called F-A-R-T for short.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06He looks exactly like me! Handsome brute.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Two of them? My worst nightmare. - Perhaps not, Felicity.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Observe.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- ROBOTIC:- I'm Bob Robots.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Coming up, I'll be interviewing the UK's top financial advisor
0:13:16 > 0:13:19about the current state of the economy.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Wow! Impressive! - Why, thank you, Felicity.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26May I say just how lovely you look today?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Charming, too. Henry, let's hire him!
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Now, hang on. Something smells funny about this FART.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37He may look the part, but what about his knowledge?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I am programmed to speak with authority on any subject.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43It's time for the quick fire round. Question one -
0:13:43 > 0:13:48if I told you I run the country and live at 10 Downing Street,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- who am I? - The Prime Minister.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- No, I'm Bob Roberts. - Does not compute.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Question two - where would you find a sun, a star and Mars?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Our galaxy, the Milky Way.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Wrong again. My local newsagent. Next to the dry cleaner.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Warning. Error. Error.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Question three - what is the capital of England?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12The capital of England is London.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Nope. It's capital 'E'.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Warning. System failure imminent. Warning...
0:14:16 > 0:14:21This'll finish him off. Question four, which fruit has the most...?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I've started so I'll finish. It was avocado!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I think we'll be OK for a few years yet, Flicky.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- Ah. We might be in trouble. - Sorry your FART was so explosive,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36but I knew it wouldn't be able to TRUMP me!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Time to take a short break now, but don't go away,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42we'll be back before Bob learns to say "Artificially Intelligent".
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I wouldn't be so sure, Flicky. Arfiticially Inelligan...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Artinitially inelig...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Arfapoundof... You're right, Flicky, it's trickier than it sounds.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Stand by your sofas, here comes the boss.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Outstanding work as ever, Bob.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02The inventor is threatening to sue us for destruction of property.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Is that a good thing?- No. As your boss,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I'm contractually obliged to wish you a very happy birthday.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Henry, you shouldn't have! 100 Greatest News Broadcasts!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Yes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19I actually feature at number 63, 52, 36 and 8, 7, 4,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- oh, and number 3. - What about me?- Don't be ridiculous.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Henry, you shouldn't have. - Actually, Bob, I need a quick word.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28How about 'velocity'?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31And then Tessa and Mark switched brains, but then poor Rex
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- got run over and...- Henry, is the transporter playing up again?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Kelly, this way. Can we please get that fixed?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- We're back on in five.- I can't work under these conditions.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I doubt you can work under ANY conditions.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Welcome back to DNN. Hope you made the most of the break!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Now, for all the latest traffic and travel,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53let's cross to TV's most nervous reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Thanks, Bob. Aargh! A python!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Really?- No, it's just a stick. My mistake.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Sorry. - OK, Bea, let's crack on...
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Great.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07So, as you can see I'm stood by the
0:16:07 > 0:16:09A12345678910,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13and there's hardly any traffic. It's a lovely, lovely quiet road.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18So, if you do have to travel on it by car, maybe consider pushing it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Then you wouldn't make quite so much noise.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- DOOR SLAMS - Aaagh!- Bea? Are you all right?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Sorry. Came out of nowhere... OK, breathe...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29SHE BREATHES DEEPLY
0:16:29 > 0:16:33In other news, the M666 is closed in both directions,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36causing major tailbacks and delays of up to eight hours.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39So that should be nice and quiet too...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- CAR LOCK BEEPS - Aagh! Sorry!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I surprised myself with the first scream...
0:16:46 > 0:16:47SHE GIBBERS
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I don't like it... Focus, Bea, come on...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52SHE HUMS QUIETLY
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Er, we're running short on time, Bea...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58SHE CONTINUES HUMMING
0:16:58 > 0:17:02And finally, if you're looking to travel by train between London
0:17:02 > 0:17:05and Birmingham this evening by train, please don't,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08because the train runs past the bottom of my garden and
0:17:08 > 0:17:11it would be nice if you could think of other people for a change.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- ALARM BEEPS - Agh! Agh!
0:17:14 > 0:17:20Bea, can we...? Should we...? Bea Rhodes there,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22with the traffic and travel.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Well, I for one feel safer.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Time now for all the latest from that crazy old world of sport...
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Bull's-eye, Flicky! Let's turn on the ogle box for today's top story.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Gary. Gary? Where's Gary ?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43I believe Gary has got a special birthday surprise for you.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# Happy birthday to you! happy birthday to you! #
0:17:47 > 0:17:51I'm stuck. I'm stuck! Help!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54THEY LAUGH
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I forgot to mention to Steve in props
0:17:57 > 0:18:01that I wanted to burst out of this thing. Just give me a sec...
0:18:01 > 0:18:05There we go, that's better. Happy birthday, Bob!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Yeah, well, thanks, Gary. What's happening this week?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Bob, here are your birthday sports headlines.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16A waterlogged court doesn't dampen the action at the latest NBA match.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25SCREAMING
0:18:25 > 0:18:29As the international skipping championships draw their lowest
0:18:29 > 0:18:32crowds ever, one competitor carries on regardless.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37And the organisers of cat skateboarding
0:18:37 > 0:18:41are told their obstacles are far more dangerous than they need to be.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50But my main story this week is rugby.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51I don't know much about rugby,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54apart from the fact it's supposedly named after a school called...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Rugby School.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00So I sent someone to find out more about this egg-chasing business.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Over to you, Gary. Thanks, Gary.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Hello. Today I'm tackling the sport of rugby,
0:19:07 > 0:19:11also known as rugger, rug or rrrrr!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I'm here at Super League club Warrington Wolves
0:19:14 > 0:19:19and showing me the ropes is close personal friend, Ricardo Myler.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24- Richie Myler.- But he lets me call him Ricardo.- Who are you?- Ha-ha!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Yes, banter, cos we're mates.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Just slipped...
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- So...let's rugby.- Right. I've set you up against some opposition.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37- Ready?- Yeah.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Guys, wonky ball!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Dive! Referee! Send him off!
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Try!- I AM trying. Trying to get him sent off!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54OK, I'll be goalie, give you guys a chance.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Oh, he skied it!
0:19:59 > 0:20:04- Gutted for you, pal.- 6-0. - What?! Are you just making this up?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08They're chasing me! Aaaah!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15So this is what they call a scrum.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18It can get quite rough, so I'd better do my best to blend in.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23Wish me luck. Guys... I'm off the floor at the moment, guys. Guys...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Hi! All right?
0:20:25 > 0:20:30In all the excitement I may have let out a small but powerful trump.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- ALL: Eurgh! - Mate, that stinks!- Guys...
0:20:34 > 0:20:39So, that's rugby. Football, but for angry giants.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43But never fear, as ever, it's Ogden one, sport nil.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Back to you, Gary.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Great stuff. Thanks, Gary.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- My pleasure.- No, Gary, the pleasure is mine entirely.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52High-five!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Don't mind if I do.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Anyway...- Gary, before you go,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00don't forget to pick up the milk on the way home.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- Oh, and clingfilm.- Spot on, Gary. Well remembered, sir.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Back to you two over there.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Thanks, Gary.- Our pleasure!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13We need to go back to Phil Tyme, who is ready to tackle
0:21:13 > 0:21:17a shop assistant about getting a refund on a faulty games console.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- Ew! Waxy. - What's the latest, Phil?
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Felicity, we're near the front of the queue. Chuffed to bits, eh, Chris?
0:21:26 > 0:21:31- Well, tell your face! It makes for better telly.- Next, please!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Here goes.- Hello, how can I help you today?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Phil Tyme, DNN, and that gentleman there is Terry.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And we'd like to know why you think it's all right to tread
0:21:42 > 0:21:46all over your customers, you money-grabbing charlatan.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- I'm sorry?!- So you should be!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52My friend bought a games console off you and now you won't let him
0:21:52 > 0:21:58- return it.- Well, there must be some mistake. Of course we'll refund it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01As long as it's in the original condition, that's fine.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Look at you, in your million-dollar cardigan
0:22:04 > 0:22:10- and your solid-gold Gucci biro! - I said we'll refund it!- What?
0:22:10 > 0:22:18- You will? Cracking!- Just hand it over, then.- Steady on, Chris.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Ladies and gentlemen...
0:22:20 > 0:22:23you're witnessing history in the making.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26The first person, successfully championed by Phil Tyme, live...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30LOUD CRASH Cheese and crackers!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Now, when you say in its original...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37..condition...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- I can't take that back now. Sorry.- You muppet!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43That cost me 300 quid, that!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Terry, you haven't got 300 quid on you by any chance? No?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Well, this is Phil Tyme live...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I'm the vanquisher of criminals, ne'er-do-wells
0:22:52 > 0:22:57and games consoles, apparently. Terry, meet me by the van.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Get my cash card.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04I'll meet you at the cashpoint, and take them back, will you?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Phil Tyme there, proof that video games can be bad for your health!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Well, Bob, that's all we've got time for today.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Yes, Flicky, though I have to admit
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I'm a bit disappointed you didn't get me a birthday present.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Well, of course I did, Bob, I just thought I'd save it till last.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23You know, Flicky, ignore what everyone else says about you,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I've always said you have the biggest heart.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27What is it?
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- It's a picture of you! - No, Bob, a signed picture of me.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Highly sought after online, I tell you.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Just what I've always wanted.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41You're welcome, Bob. And that really is all we've got time for.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I've been the party-planning Felicity Bond.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- And I'm off for a carvery. - Say goodbye, Bob!- Goodbye, Bob!
0:23:48 > 0:23:54- Are you still in there, Gary, me old mucker-pucker pingpong?- Certainly am!
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- Do I hear carvery?- Yes, you do. How do you fancy a slammer gammon?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Oh, yes. I used to have gammon as a kid, actually.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Try and stay in the present, Gary.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Hm.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I should have given him the sack instead.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Mind out!