0:00:02 > 0:00:05- That sign's looking a bit tatty. Get a new one.- Yes, boss.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- DAVINA:- All right, lads?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Aye, of course Newcastle could afford to gain independence, man.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Map would just get a paper round.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- KELLY:- I went to my favourite cinema, you were right.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16It was a great film!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19But the most amazing part was that I got to pick 'n' mix
0:00:19 > 0:00:21and apart from mixing, picking is my absolute
0:00:21 > 0:00:23most favouritest thing ever! Hello?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Oh, lost my signal - brilliant!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Then you have to call back and it's like a whole new conversation!
0:00:28 > 0:00:29PING
0:00:29 > 0:00:30- BEA:- Aargh! Microwave!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32No, it's OK, sorry.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36So I said "Henry, you have no idea what makes a good news programme."
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- Really?- Yeah. Henry Smart is the most talentless,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42dull, stupid, ugly, dull,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44smug and dull man I've ever worked with -
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and I've worked with everyone in this lift.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- HENRY:- Hello, Bob.- Hello, Henry.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I was just talking about you.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- I heard. Bob?- Yes?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I'm giving you the sack.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57That's brilliant! Thank you!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Sacks are so much fun!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02He has no idea I've just fired him, has he?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Hello and welcome to DNN.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I'm the invaluable Felicity Bond...
0:01:23 > 0:01:24I'm Bob Roberts.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25This is Captain Thumb.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"I'll save you if you're small enough!"
0:01:28 > 0:01:30And these are today's headlines.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Tufty wins America's Most Grateful Squirrel Award.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Thank you for giving me these delicious walnuts.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38You are a nice person. I will come back tomorrow to get more.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40You are my favourite person in the neighbourhood. I like you.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Bananas in Pyjamas try their hand at action movies.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Aaargh! Don't let go! Don't let go!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I've got you, I've got you!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52And we reveal the hidden feature you never knew your cat had.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58MUSIC: "Trololo Song" by Eduard Khil
0:02:06 > 0:02:07MUSIC STOPS
0:02:07 > 0:02:08And, in other news...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Henry's giving me the sack!
0:02:10 > 0:02:11And you're happy about that?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Well, yes! Look how much fun it is!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Sack, sack, Black and White Army!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Don't break it - that's mine now!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22You know what "giving someone the sack" means, don't you, Bob?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Yeah! It means they're getting a special prize
0:02:24 > 0:02:27for being the best that week and doing good listening.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Bob! Felicity! We're on air!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32BOB LAUGHS
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Whee!- Be careful!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Bob, I'm firing you.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39This is your last show.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41You will no longer work here.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44You are fired.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And the sack?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Keep it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Hang on! You can't fire me!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- You're not the boss of me! - Actually, he is.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Well, he can't get rid of me! I've got a cast iron contract.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Well, if you do have a cast iron contract, let's see it.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07That's a cast iron waffle pan.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Are they different things?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11They're different things.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I do have a contract somewhere...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Now, from a dope...
0:03:22 > 0:03:23It may be in dressing up box.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26..to someone who is dope - it's Jahmene Mann.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Thanks, Felicity. Now, Blue Steel...
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- "Is it raining?" - RAIN POURS
0:03:33 > 0:03:34"I've just hit my head."
0:03:34 > 0:03:35CLANGING
0:03:36 > 0:03:38You look absurd!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41All of them are classic fashion poses, gramps.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43But where are the next generation of poses going to come from?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45There's only one place they could.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Let's meet the street.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Strike a pose.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Yes, you don't need to be in designer clobber
0:03:52 > 0:03:55to strut your stuff. It's all about the 'tude.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57So, pukka up and join me as we try
0:03:57 > 0:04:00and find Britain's best...
0:04:00 > 0:04:01model poses.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Time to get catwalking.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04MUSIC: "Applause" by Lady Gaga
0:04:04 > 0:04:06# I live for the applause, applause, applause
0:04:06 > 0:04:08# I live for the applause-plause... #
0:04:08 > 0:04:10The teapot.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16The deep thinker.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Yeah!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Looking sharp, people of the UK.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34You lot can clearly give catwalkers a strut for their money.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37But, if there's one thing that I've learnt today,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39it's that, if you're going to ask someone to do something,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41you better be clear about what you want.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Excuse me? Can I see your best impression of a model?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Best impression of a model? Erm, OK.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Gosh, all right. Something like...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Who are all these people?!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54These are not my usual people!
0:04:54 > 0:04:55You are the worst assistant ever.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59And where is my half-caff-decaf mocha-latte-cino?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Just calm down. - Nobody tells me to calm down.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Come back here!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05You will never work in the fashion industry again, OK?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Do you understand?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Excellent report, Jahmene.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You and the Great British public
0:05:10 > 0:05:12were working some fierce...
0:05:12 > 0:05:13attitude there.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Thanks Felicity, you're pretty...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- ..yourself.- I am.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Yeah, well, I can do that...
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I can't even do that!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Now, to take us back in time, it's the reporter with all
0:05:31 > 0:05:33the warmth of an ice age -
0:05:33 > 0:05:34it's Nellie Osmond.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Thank you, Robert.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Earlier this year, it was revealed that footprints almost
0:05:38 > 0:05:39a million years old -
0:05:39 > 0:05:42making them the oldest human footprints outside of Africa -
0:05:42 > 0:05:44were discovered on the Norfolk coast.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47But how would the people who made them have lived?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Did DNN send me to ask a serious scientist?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52What do you think?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Today, I'm meeting Neil Anderthal, who, for the past three years,
0:05:55 > 0:06:00has chosen to live as a disgusting, malodorous caveman.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03And, even though his body odour could knock out an elephant,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I'm soldiering on, because I'm a professional.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Hello, Neil. - Please, Nellie, call me...
0:06:08 > 0:06:09HE GRUNTS
0:06:09 > 0:06:10What does that mean?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Neil.- Of course it does.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Show me around this cave of yours. - Ah, before you enter,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18you must change into something a little more era-appropriate.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- Eurgh!- Oh, you speak Caveman, too. Wonderful.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You don't have much stuff, do you?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I live a simple life, Nellie.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28HE GRUNTS
0:06:28 > 0:06:30This rock is all the stuff I need.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33It's my table, my wardrobe, my kitchen surface.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35What do you use for a sofa?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- The rock.- Right.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Oven?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40- Rock again.- Tea trolley?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- Rock.- Bed?- Rock.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44What you do for entertainment?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45- Oh, I throw rocks at...- The rock.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Right, seriously, I'm trying to do a job of work here.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Now, Neil has agreed to take me hunting,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52but, before we go, Neil,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54could you show me where the toilet is, please?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55- Oh, the rock.- Eurgh!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Oh, seriously, where did you learn to speak like that?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02What are you hunting?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Big game. Bears, buffalo.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Baloney.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Yes, that, too. Ssh, there!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Oh-oh-ah!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Ah!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Ah-oh-ah-oh-ah-ah!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Bin bag! Oh, and a yoghurt pot!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19That'll look good on the rock.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Brilliant. Well, there you have it.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26While it's beyond doubt that our ancestors can teach us a thing
0:07:26 > 0:07:30or two, this particular caveman is definitely off his rocker.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32And that's a fact, not a pun, by the way.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34This is Nellie Osmond for DNN.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Back to you, Robert.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Hey, guess what my favourite type of music is?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Is it a jazz?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Oh... Yes, it is.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Thanks, Nellie!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I'd like to say it's been a pleasure working with you, Robert.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Aw...- But I'm a professional and I don't lie,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50so the best I can manage is...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"You've turned up. Mostly."
0:07:53 > 0:07:54I'll take it.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Time now for entertainment news.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04So, let's cross to the motor-mouthed sunshine machine
0:08:04 > 0:08:05that is Kelly Fornia.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Thanks, Flickster! Hi, Bobster!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Oh-my-wow! You would not believe what an incredible week it's been.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11My cat died.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that, Kelly.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15My commiserdolences.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Ooh, new word! No, I mean it was really sad,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20but it's amazing, because Angela Miowkel
0:08:20 > 0:08:22was like a gazillion years old, and she hadn't been well,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24and now she's gone to a better place.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Ooh, the pencil museum?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28And the awesome news is that I've got a new puppy
0:08:28 > 0:08:30who is so, so cute!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I think I'll name him after my favourite EastEnder.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Dot Cotton?- No.- Mick Carter?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Nuh-uh.- Sharon?- Alfie?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39No - Kat! Which is an awesome name for a dog,
0:08:39 > 0:08:40cos I think it'll be character building.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43All the other dogs will be "Cat, what kind of name is that?!"
0:08:43 > 0:08:45He'll be like, "It's my name" and...
0:08:45 > 0:08:46- Kelly!- Yeah?- Showbiz News.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh, fab-a-rooney.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50So, my big story this week is talent shows.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53They've been around for ever, and they're still uber-popular.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Ubular - new word!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Spectacubular! New new word!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Anyway, play VT.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Hi, besties!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05So, singing, it's uber awesome.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08And, if you want to be a singer, there are two ways of doing it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10One, being naturally talented,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13get training, work really, really hard
0:09:13 > 0:09:15and be uber, uber lucky.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Two, it's be on a TV talent show.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Yes, auditions start today for new talent show
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Shut Up and Sing and I'm going to enter!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, my wow!
0:09:26 > 0:09:31My performance is going to be Olly-Muraculous. Follow me, guys!
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Hello, dear!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Hi, I'm Kelly and I want this 110%,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50even though that's, like, mathematically impossible.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Oh, nice hands. - Sweetheart, I'm Simon Sneer.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Now, shut up and sing.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59# I got the eye of the tiger... #
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Oh, my wow!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Aren't tigers totally jungle-tastic?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07If you shaved a tiger completely bald, it would still be stripy.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Kelly, I don't know what happened.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11You were singing, then you weren't singing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I hate you.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Simon, you totally nailed what I did wrong. Judge-mazing.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Don't do this to me, Mrs!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22You just aren't right for the show.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24SHE CRIES
0:10:24 > 0:10:27So, I 'm totally right for another show? Yes!
0:10:27 > 0:10:28You were like...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- ..a banana.- Awesome.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34But then...
0:10:34 > 0:10:36You were totally a lampshade.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Double awesome.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40So, I think you should go and become...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43..a unicorn.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Did he just steal me for his team?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Kelly, it's the end of the road.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51And the road leads to...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Boot Camp! Yes!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Oh, I'm through!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Tim, get her out of here.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Oh, my wow!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01See you at the live shows!
0:11:01 > 0:11:02This is the part where they play
0:11:02 > 0:11:06a slow-mo replay of my triumph. I love slow-mo.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Kelly For-n-ia,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11you are through...
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Yeah!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15So, how did you do, Kelly?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I didn't get through, but that's awesome,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19cos it means that, next time I audition,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- I've got more of a journey... - I've put in a trap door. Watch this.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23..play Survivor by Destiny's Child,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and I can talk about how much I've grown
0:11:25 > 0:11:28and learned and that being rejected has made me want it more.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I'm like rejoicing that I've been rejected.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Rejoice-ected. New word!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34And I'll be able to tell them that I'm doing it for Angela Miowkal.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It's so what she would have wanted, if she wasn't a cat. Well, ex-cat.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Kelly Fornia, there.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42The only girl who can go from nought to 60 in three words.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Aargh!
0:11:44 > 0:11:45CRASH
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I'm fine. Gary broke my fall.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48My pleasure!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50We'll be back after these messages.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Nobody go anywhere.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Can someone show Bob back to the studio?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Can I have a word, Felicity?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Certainly, Henry.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04How about "spork"?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05I didn't mean to say that.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Hmm. Getting rid of Bob is the first step toward making DNN
0:12:08 > 0:12:10a professional news show.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12We're also losing the interview with the human balloon.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17That's left her really deflated!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Don't step into Bob's shoes, Felicity.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I wouldn't. He has verrucas!
0:12:21 > 0:12:22What is wrong with me?!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Instead, I want to do serious political interviews.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Right. Where should we...?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Don't bother me with details - I'm a big picture person.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31You're a big P... Oh...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34When Bob isn't here, I start behaving like him.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Ew! Henry, I cannot believe I'm saying this,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40but maybe getting rid of Bob wasn't such a great idea?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Are you feeling ill, Felicity?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Of course I am. I'm looking at your face.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I am so sorry, Henry!
0:12:46 > 0:12:47This is like a horror film.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51OK, everyone, back on in five, four, three...
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Welcome back.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Still to come, the sports news with Gary Ogden.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01The travel news with Bea Rhodes.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Henry can't sack me!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Have you found the contract?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Nope, but I have found this...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08This hi-tech piece of machinery
0:13:08 > 0:13:11tells exactly what the viewers think of DNN.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14See, I'm talking. Ha-ha!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- It looks like it's made of cardboard.- Oh!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Don't worry, it's just that they don't like you
0:13:21 > 0:13:23as much as they like me.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Now, watch this. Oh!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Hello? Pooh!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31See. I know what people want. Me!
0:13:31 > 0:13:32And me!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35This isn't connected to the audience, is it?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Yes, it is. Of course it is.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39No, Gary I'm talking now.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Oh, I see.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44It's time now for the big political interview.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, dear.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Later this year, people in Scotland will vote on
0:13:48 > 0:13:50whether to remain part of the UK.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52But there are other parts of Britain where independence
0:13:52 > 0:13:54is also a hot topic.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- I can't make it go any lower without a spade.- Ha!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01So, new to the debate - is Newcastle going to stay or go?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I thought we were doing the human balloon.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05No.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08With us to discuss this burning issue is the leader of the
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Newcastle Independence Party -
0:14:10 > 0:14:12our very own Davina Wave.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Wey-aye! Canny to be here!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17So, Davina, why do you think Newcastle should be independent?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Well, for a start, Flicky,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21we've got our own CULTURE!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23We've even got our own language.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25You don't have your own language.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27How, man, we do, man, but we cannat talk like this doon here,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30man, cos nee-one would understand what we're saying, like?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32One Geordie lass in pink!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"Do you want them double rare?" Aye.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38My mistake. So, how would you create borders between Newcastle
0:14:38 > 0:14:39and the rest of the UK?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Kelly, Gary, Jahmene,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43give us a hand, man?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Well, we'd encircle the toon with replicas of
0:14:46 > 0:14:48the Angel of the North, like this,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50so yous stay outside.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Bob, you're with me! Hoo!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56And then we'll give them all laser eyes -
0:14:56 > 0:14:58no permanent damage, like.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Just enough discomfort to send all you southern softies back
0:15:02 > 0:15:04to where yous came from. Hoo!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Well, we have someone who wants to argue the other side
0:15:07 > 0:15:09of the debate - Map.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Mappy! It's Mappy! Hi! Flicky, it's Mappy!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Laser eyes, Bob!- Zoop, zoop!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17So, Map, what do you make of Davina's plans
0:15:17 > 0:15:18for an independent Newcastle?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20BOB GASPS
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Bit dramatic, that, Map.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Oh, I can't watch! You're literally ripping his magnificent
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Geordie heart from his chest!
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Come here.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Gah, all reet! We'll stay!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35VOICES: Hooray!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37There you go. Come on, give us a hug.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Come on, Mappy.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Just a little hug.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Anyone want to give me a hug?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48This has been a very bad day for me.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Now it's time to motor over to our unfeasibly nervous
0:15:57 > 0:16:00traffic and travel correspondent. It's Beatrice Rhodes.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Hi, Bea, how are things out there?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Bea? Bea!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Argh! What? Where? Where?
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Please don't sting me!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Oh, I see. Yes, of course. Yeah.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Well, this is Bea. Aargh!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14No, not that one, this one.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Rhodes, with the travel.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19And the big news today is that I'm fine!
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Because today I'm by a peaceful country stream.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Is this just another excuse to avoid a busy road, Bea?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29And...on with the traffic.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32So, on the A1999,
0:16:32 > 0:16:33- there's likely to be... - BIRD TWEETS
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Argh, bird! Bird! There's a bird in that bush!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39You're fine. And why are you scared of birds, Bea?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Why?! They can FLY, Felicity!
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Yeah, she's right, Flicky.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45That's basically a superpower.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50SHE SINGS TO HERSELF
0:16:50 > 0:16:52We need to crack on!
0:16:54 > 0:16:55SHE BREATHES SLOWLY
0:16:55 > 0:16:57OK, better.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01So, on the M&M, there's likely to be...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Excuse me.- Aargh!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08And there she goes.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Bea Rhodes, everyone.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Sorry, I just wanted to know where the shops were.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Well, if you're going, I'm out of banana milk.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16How do you milk a banana?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Let's cross now to...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Oh, I can't find my contract!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Look here, Henry, if you continue with your childish
0:17:23 > 0:17:26insistence on firing me, I shall walk out now!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Mid-show! What do you make of that?!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Fine by me.- Oh!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I'll happily sit in. Bye-bye, Bob.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Fine!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Apologies, viewers,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39but rest assured that with Felicity assisting me...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- "Assisting"?- Assisting.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43..DNN is now in professional hands.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45First, let's turn to the economy...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47That is my pen!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49The Governor of the Bank of England...
0:17:49 > 0:17:50My script.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54The Governor of the Bank of England today announced...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- My chair!- Bob!- Mine!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Thank you!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Do carry on with your so-called "news"!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05The Governor of the Bank of England today
0:18:05 > 0:18:07announced his plans for rates of interest.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Following a period of historically low rates, we found...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12My co-anchor.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Bob! Aargh!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17The Governor has not ruled out a rise, but early indications...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19And my desk!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21For goodness' sake, Bob!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Oh, please don't fire me, Henry!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I take back calling you dull
0:18:27 > 0:18:30and stupid and ugly and dull
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and talentless and dull and smug and dull and dull!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Well, maybe not dull...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Bob, I'm still firing you.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Who else will have me?!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40However...
0:18:40 > 0:18:41you may finish the show.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Thank you, Henry!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45You are a fair, just
0:18:45 > 0:18:47and dull man!
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Let me be clear.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Unless you can produce your contract by the end of the programme,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53this will be your last show.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Well... well...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00The big hand's... and then the little hand is...
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Wait, there's a third hand.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Is that a leg? Oh, no, that's the...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Second hand.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06No, no, it's brand-new.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Anyway, I've got some minutes to find my contract
0:19:08 > 0:19:10before the end of the show.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11To the Batcave!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14See if your brain is down there, while you're at it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Time now to go to the only sports reporter who thinks Wembley
0:19:21 > 0:19:23flew away with Peter Pan -
0:19:23 > 0:19:24it's Gary Ogden.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Thanks, Bob.- I'm Felicity.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29My pleasure. Yes, I'm Gary Ogden.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30No! I'm Gary Ogden!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33No! I'm Gary Ogden!
0:19:33 > 0:19:34No! I'm Gary Ogden!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36No! I'm Gary Ogden!
0:19:36 > 0:19:37No, hang on, I actually am Gary Ogden.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39This is the DNN Sports Locker
0:19:39 > 0:19:41and these are the sports headlines.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It's revealed that David Beckham's children are following in
0:19:44 > 0:19:45their mother's footsteps...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:51There's surprise for an aerobics class
0:19:51 > 0:19:53when their instructor turns out to be a bear.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58MUSIC: "In Da Club" by 50 Cent
0:19:58 > 0:20:01And, at rehearsals for the World Cup opening ceremony,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03a surprise new instrument is unveiled.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08MUSIC: "Trololo Song" by Eduard Khil
0:20:11 > 0:20:13MUSIC STOPS
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Now, you can race cars.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17You can race bicycles.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20You can even - ludicrous as it sounds - race horses.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22But racing beds? To find out more,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26here's a man who's always first with the sports snooze -
0:20:26 > 0:20:27it's Gary Ogden.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Thanks, Gary.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I'm here with a bed racing team who are getting in shape
0:20:31 > 0:20:33for the annual Knaresborough Bed Race.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36And, quite frankly, this is the weirdest bed I've ever seen.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38What's going on?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41You couldn't push a real bed round the streets, could you, Gary?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- For one thing, you'd fall out. - Well, two words for you.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Velcro pyjamas.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47My pleasure. So, talk me through your team.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Well, I'm Polly Puller and I'm a pusher.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52That's my husband, Paul Puller. He's a pusher, too.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54And, over there is Patty Pusher, she's my sister.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56And she's a pusher, too?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58No, Patty's a Puller, she just married a Pusher.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Get on with it!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01That's Prim. She's just pushy.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Right, that's that cleared up. Right, let's get racing!
0:21:04 > 0:21:05CHEERING
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Can I just check, who am I?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Having taken to the bed like a duck to bed,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12the team gave me the crucial role of steering.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14MUSIC: "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac
0:21:14 > 0:21:15You all right, Gary?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Don't distract me, Prim! Aargh, chicane! Aargh!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23'Then comes the frantic excitement of a bed racing pit stop.'
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Pillows plumped!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Got you. It is quite nippy out!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Princess, brave knight, dragon,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- conquered, cheering, wedding, the end!- Classic.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Check!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Thumb suck!- Check.- And go, go, go!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43So, having taken to the streets with Polly and her team,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45duvet have what it takes to win?
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Duvet have the skills?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50And duvet understand my clever wordplay with the word duvet?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54The answer to all these questions is yes. They do.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Could someone tuck me in, please?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57I'm a bit pooped.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Back to you, Gary.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Thanks, Gary.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Gary Ogden there, bringing you all the sports news that mattress.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08BOB LAUGHS
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Very good.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Excellent BLANKET coverage there, Gary.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Yes, yes. I've got a nap for that, Bob.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18That joke's pillow the belt.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- I think it will bolster my reputation.- Hey?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Bolster. It's a type of cushion.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24THEY LAUGH
0:22:24 > 0:22:25BOB CRIES
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- They're firing me, Gary!- Aww...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Hey, what...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Got it... Where's it gone?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Got it!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Oh! Ah!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Trust me, Henry, something shiny is the only way to distract them.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43It's over there! Distract who?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Never mind.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47So that's all we've got time for today.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49And, in my case, forever.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I know I've seen that contract recently but I can't find it...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54HENRY LAUGHS
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Bye-bye, Bob.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I've been the indispensible Felicity Bond...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01And, for the last time...
0:23:01 > 0:23:02I've been...
0:23:02 > 0:23:06and gone and remembered where I put the contract!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You wrote your contract on your tie?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11No! I tattooed it on my body!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It's here somewhere, I just have to find it!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16That's my pension. Hang on.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Is the "You can't fire me" clause on my back?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22It's hard to read the small print through your back hair.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23You get a parking space?!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Yes, but I don't normally drive,
0:23:25 > 0:23:29because, well, the traffic's bumper to bum... Ah!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I remember where I put it!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- No!- No, no, no, no!
0:23:33 > 0:23:34All right, all right!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I'll take your word for it. You can stay.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38What about the sack?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Keep it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Yes! One sack up!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Say goodbye, Bob.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Goodbye, Bob!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47So, where do you keep your contract, Felicity?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- In a filing cabinet. - Where's that kept?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- In another filing cabinet. - Where's that kept?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54In a larger filing cabinet with a lock.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Want to guess the code?- Yes.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Is it one?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00- No, it's four numbers.- Is it two?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02One day...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And I am not dull!