0:00:02 > 0:00:05But if we don't fry the milk, how do we make the tea hot?
0:00:05 > 0:00:09- You boil the water.- And then grill the- tea bag? No. No, grilling.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13- And coffee?- Is not a mashup of cough mixture and toffee.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17- Oh, ogee-ogee-ogee!- Ah! No. No. No.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- Ah! No.- Gary, if you're looking for a glass
0:00:20 > 0:00:23they're the glass-shaped things made of glass.
0:00:23 > 0:00:29- Thanks, Jahmene, I've learnt a lot today.- No, Bob, I have lost my spoon!
0:00:30 > 0:00:35- Run me through toast again. It starts as bread, then goes... - In there. Hot place.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- Clue in the name "toast". - Er...Mexico?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Hello. I'm the enigmatic Felicity Bond.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01I'm Bob Roberts. And this is the face of Ian Beale on a slice of toast.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03HE INHALES Straight from Mexico.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07- And these are the headlines.- The BBC Proms are accused of dumbing down.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11HORSE PLAYS TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Customs officers finally catch
0:01:18 > 0:01:21the world's greatest smuggler of squeaky toys.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23WOMAN LAUGHS
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And in Jamie Oliver's house everyone has to muck in, no exceptions.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34And in other news, today the Prime Minister...
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- Gary, what are you doing?- I have lost my spoon. Have you seen it?
0:01:38 > 0:01:43I don't know, Gary, it's difficult to tell one spoon from another.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46It's 2014, Felicity. That is not an acceptable statement.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48"Gary! This is not news.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"Nobody cares about your spoon. Now, get off..."
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Gary, I'm sure that your spoon... - Wayne...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56No, you're Gary, Gary.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58This is Bob and I'm Felicity. No!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01No, this is Bob and I'm Felicity.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05No, it's the name of my spoon. Wayne...Wayne Spooney.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09We'd spend so many happy hours, eating cereal together,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12stirring coffee together, tobogganing...
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Please, viewers, if anyone sees Wayne Spooney,
0:02:15 > 0:02:20please call our emergency spoonline. The number is on the screen now.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Without his spoon, Gary Ogden is a hollow and sad human being.
0:02:24 > 0:02:30- And with it, he is a hollow and sad human being that can eat soup. - BOB CHUCKLES
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Now over to the People's Champion, Phil Tyme,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- our reporter who stands up for the little guy.- Yep.
0:02:39 > 0:02:45Phil, where are you this week? Oh, my word! What are you wearing?!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Excuse me, I'm not Phil Tyme, I'm Filipina Rosemary.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53OK, everyone, Phil's finally lost it! Oh, bagsy I get the van.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Don't be daft, Bob. I'm undercover.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I'm a school dinner lady and Terry's me sous chef.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02PHIL CHUCKLES
0:03:02 > 0:03:05And I'm joined by Lizbeth here. Say hi, Lizbeth.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Hello, viewers. What an absolute honour it is to be here.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I've been practising being on television for a week now.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I have excellent diction.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19She's a bit weird. Just tell us what the problem is?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22The food they serve in the lunch hall here is like glue.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Some of the boys fix their trainers with the semolina,
0:03:25 > 0:03:31but one of the sixth-form girls told us the food they serve the teachers is delicious.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- Real cordon bleu dinning.- Cordon blue, is that posh for chicken?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- No, Phil, it's not.- Right. So long story short,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41it's up to me to find the fancy butties,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45take the gaffer to task and get some justice for these kids.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49And it's days like this that make me proud to be a serious journalist.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- MAN: Filipina, get over here. - Er...one second.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I've just got a potato croquette caught in my dress.
0:03:56 > 0:04:02So proud! So stay tuned for more on my investigative report on DNN.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- Filipina, come on!- One moment, mate! Keep your hair on!
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Live! We'll see you in a bite. Ow!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Forget Gordon Ramsay, that is a kitchen nightmare.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18No, Felicity, a kitchen nightmare is when you're peeling a potato
0:04:18 > 0:04:21and it grows a little mouth and starts screaming,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"You're taking away my skin!"
0:04:23 > 0:04:27But you can't stop peeling and the screaming grows louder and louder
0:04:27 > 0:04:31until you just want it to stop! I imagine.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- They let you have a peeler?- Yep, it's a little rubber one.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Anywho...it's recently been revealed
0:04:37 > 0:04:40that intelligence agencies around the world
0:04:40 > 0:04:42have been training animals to act as spies.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45For more, let's go to the reporter so hard
0:04:45 > 0:04:48she makes James Bond look like James Blunt.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- It's Nellie Osmond.- Thank you, Robert.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I'm here under this derelict railway bridge to lift the lid
0:04:54 > 0:04:56on the shadowy world of espionage.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I'm here to meet my contact,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01the head of MI5's Animal Training Division.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Finally a professional for a professional.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Well, hello, Miss Osmond.- Hello. And you're a cat, perfect.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12That's how animal spies slip through the net, Miss Osmond.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16It all started with the Russian moles back in the 1950s,
0:05:16 > 0:05:21now we have everything from spy worms to spy whales.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24And we even get gadgets just like a real human spy.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28look, this is a two-way budgie mirror.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30This a dog-bone spy cam.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35- And, I suppose, this is exploding cat litter?- I didn't bring that.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Oh!- Sh! Quiet! - RATTLING
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'd know that sound anywhere.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Oscar Medallion! Pure...evil!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- A hamster?!- A master criminal.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48We need to go after him.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Time for you to go...incognito.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Cat face? Seriously, I'm trying to do a job of work here.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01No-one suspects an animal, Nellie. Don't let him out of your sight!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Not now, Brian
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Why have we not apprehended him yet?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Why? - SHE LAUGHS
0:06:15 > 0:06:17He's an evil genius, Nelly.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19He's always two steps ahead.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Unbelievable! Excuse me.- What...?!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26There, job done.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Miss Osmond, you're a natural.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Ridiculous! So there we have it,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33even if animal spies are all around,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36the intelligence of humans will always give us the upper paw.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40This is Nellie Osmond, the cat's whiskers, for DNN.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Where's he gone?!- Intriguing.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Over to the reporter so up-and-coming he's been-and-gone,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- it's Jahmene Mann.- Thanks Felicity.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53My report today is all about these...emoticons.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh, the Autobots' ancient foes!
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Watch out, Felicity, they're robots in disguise.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01No gramps, those are the Decepticons.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Emoticons are how you convey feelings in a text or post.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- If you turn your head to the side, it looks like...- A snake juggling?!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- A smiley face.- A smelly face?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15So emoticons are meant to look like human faces,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19but how much can you make a human face resemble an emoticon?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Let's meet the street.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I'm on the hunt for Britain's best human emoticons.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31Rubber chops at the ready, people, cos it's time for your close-up.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33MUSIC: "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida
0:07:33 > 0:07:35The sad face.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41The cheeky face.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46The kiss.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I give you the Emoticon Sisters!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52The wink.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Face facts, people of Britain,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07you know how to put what's inside on the outside.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11But if there's one thing I've learnt today it's that when it comes
0:08:11 > 0:08:17to pulling faces you shouldn't always say what you see. Excuse me. Ah, surprised face!
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Brilliant! Go on, do another one.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24What is that? A donkey eating peanut butter?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- HE LAUGHS - Oh, you don't look too happy.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Was it the donkey thing?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Yeah, I'm sorry.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33You're going to chase me now, aren't you?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Unsurprised face. Man down! Man down!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Let's go over now to the showbiz reporter so sunny
0:08:45 > 0:08:48you need to wear shades. It's Kelly Fornia!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Hi, Flickster! Hi, Bobster!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I've had an amaze week!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Kelly, what happened?!- I broke my leg and three vertebrae!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Fracturistic! I was on the dodgems
0:08:59 > 0:09:02with Kimberley Walsh and Professor Mary Beard
0:09:02 > 0:09:06and I got thrown out and my whole life passed before my eyes!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10It was from when I was born up to being thrown out of the dodgem
0:09:10 > 0:09:14and then had a flashback to the flashback and relived my life
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- up to when I had the flashback of the flashback and...- Kelly!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Kelly!- Hi!- Entertainment headlines?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Yuh-huh! Eric from Emmerdale tries a DIY hair transplant.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30You might...if you had a wife like mine.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Double eye-wee on Dani's House.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35SHE SOBS
0:09:35 > 0:09:41And celebrity shock as Joey Essex gets a question right on The Cube.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43You are Joey Essex. Where are you from, Joey?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- I'm from Essex.- Are you?- Yeah.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49So my big report today is about pretending to be other people.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I sometimes pretend you're all biscuit people.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56You're a Viennese whirl, you're a Garibaldi.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00No, I'm not! I've just got very fine hair.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04So, anyway, my report today is about acting! Take a look.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Hi, besties! OK, so acting.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I've never wanted to be an actress.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14I was totally acting! It's one of my biggest dream-bitions!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17But I need lessons from a real Hollywood star.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21And, oh, my wow, I've got one! It's Warwick Davis!
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- Thank you very much indeed. Nice to meet you, Kelly.- Thanks!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Now, you've been in Harry Potter movies and the Star Wars movies
0:10:29 > 0:10:33and you've been in Doctor Who. But can you give me some tips?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Yeah, I'll give it a go.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Uber-yes! It's Warwick Davis' super awesome Be An Actor masterclass.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- So, Warwick, I've written this script.- Yeah.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52- It's amazing. Let's act it out and then you can tell me how to be better.- Yeah, sure.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Oh, Warwick, I don't think I'll ever be a good enough actor.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00But you're awesome. There's nothing anyone could teach you
0:11:00 > 0:11:02not even Darth Vader or Daniel Radcliffe.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Is that it?- Did you hear that, besties?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Warwick Davis super loved my acting!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Not everything in movies is real,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16but you have to make people think it is.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20So, Warwick, show me how to pretend that this...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22is a fire-breathing dragon!
0:11:22 > 0:11:26HE SCREAMS No! Dragon! Run for your lives!
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Fear not, Warwick, the handsome prince will save us. Rargh!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33The dragon is slain!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Oh, thanks, Prince Taylor Lautner.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38He's so dreamy!!
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- Warwick, show me how actors react when they lose an award.- Yeah, sure.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49And the Oscar goes to...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- SHE GASPS - ..Kelly Fornia!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54No! No!!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59It's mine!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I'm the best! HE LAUGHS
0:12:01 > 0:12:05I am so doing that at the Golden Globes.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- So now I'm an actor!- You are.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Can I have your autograph?- Of course you can. Yeah.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- They you go.- Thank you.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19- And...since you're now an actor, may I have your autograph?- Oh, my wow!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Star-mongous! I could do loads of squiggles like I'm doodling,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25or I could draw a tiny picture of me,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28or I could do a happy face in the O and the E
0:12:28 > 0:12:30so it smiles at you when you look at it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Smile-ograph! New word alert! Or...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Great report, Kelly, but aren't you in some pain?
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Yeah, loads! But I super heart these crutches!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43It's like having super long arms like Mr Tickle
0:12:43 > 0:12:46or Elastigirl or Professor Brian Cox. Look!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49High five! High ten!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- KELLY SCREAMS - Oh, my!
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Oh! Isn't gravity brilliant! I've broken the other leg!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Matching pair. Snap! Literally.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04That girl is so positive even her shower curtain has a silver lining.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06We'll be back after these messages.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Don't channel hop, you'll never find a pogo stick big enough.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- And we're on a break.- Awesome! Another ride in an ambulance!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20She is not leaving until I've frisked her for Wayne Spooney.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Oh, my... Ow!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Steve, get rid of these posters. Gary, can I have a word?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Yes, Henry, you may. How about "lawsuit".- What?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Wayne Spooney's disappearance happened on your shift.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35You are responsible. You are re-spoonsible.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I've taken my case to Cutlery Lawyers 4Me.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Who on earth are Cutlery Lawyers 4Me?- That would be me.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Lost your knife at the office?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Had your fork bent by a careless colleague?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Did your nasty boss split your splatula, splat your spotula...
0:13:50 > 0:13:55bent your whisk? Then call Cutlery Lawyers 4Me.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- No win, no fee!- There will be no win.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Then sir...there will be no fee!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Gary, I'll get you a new spoon.- I do not want a new spoon,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- I want Wayne Spooney.- We'll see you at the trifle.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- You mean tribunal.- Oh, he knows all the criminal lingo!
0:14:12 > 0:14:19- He's guilty!- Back on in five, four, three...- Guilty! Guilty!- ..two...
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Welcome back. Now, with her eyes firmly on the skies today,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30it's TV's most twitchy travel reporter, Beatrice Rhodes.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33So, Bea, people are heading off on their holidays. How's it going?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Frankly, Bob, it is absolutely chaos down here
0:14:37 > 0:14:39but, fortunately, I am fine.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- It doesn't look like chaos. - Doesn't?!
0:14:41 > 0:14:45There are trolleys and suitcases everywhere!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- Who'd put wheels on a suitcase?! They're out of control! - SHE SCREAMS
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Excuse me, you're speeding!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54There's no speed limit for suitcases.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56What?! The world's gone mad.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- SHE SCREAMS - A plane without wings!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- Oh, no, it's just a bus. It's a bus! It's a bus! - SHE SCREAMS
0:15:03 > 0:15:06SHE WHIMPERS AND SINGS NERVOUSLY
0:15:06 > 0:15:10So, Bea, erm... SHE SINGS AND SIGHS
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Flights will leave on time today,
0:15:12 > 0:15:16although they will all be far too noisy and far too fast.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Try our new fragrance? - BEA SCREAMS
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Sconge juice! Oh, I don't like it!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- ALL:- # We're off to Tenerife - SHE SCREAMS
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- # Ta-da-da-da! # - Argh! Ambushed!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- # Who are ya?! - Who are ya?!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- # Who are ya?! #- I don't know any more, Bob. I just don't know.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- ALL:- Wahey! - SHE SCREAMS
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- # She's off to Tenerife - SHE SCREAMS
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- # She's off to Tenerife # - SHE SCREAMS
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I don't have a passport!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Time now for the sport. So let's cross to the man
0:15:52 > 0:15:56who is literally a spoon short of a cutlery drawer, it's Gary Ogden.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Do I have to do this? I've got a spoon to find! Fine!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I'm Gary Ogden, this is the Spoon Locker,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05this is a representation of my emotional state
0:16:05 > 0:16:08following the loss of Wayne Spooney
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and these are today's sports headlines.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15This year's Ryder Cup captain denies his team is worse than last year.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22There's a major misunderstanding at the annual cat fishing contest.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28And a doggy boot camp raises the bar for next year's Crufts.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31DANCE MUSIC
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Resistance and up.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38- Can I go now?- Hang on, Gary. Amazing news about the World Cup song, eh?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Is it?- Yes, it's gone viral.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44All sorts of famous faces have decided to get involved.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Really?- Certainly. Take a look at this.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- # Summertime - Rio 2014!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52# Rio 2014!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54# Rio 2014!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# And Oggie's on the team
0:16:56 > 0:16:58# Rio 2014!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59# Rio 2014!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01# Rio 2014!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03# Just hear the fan all scream
0:17:03 > 0:17:05# All you do is kick the ball
0:17:05 > 0:17:07# Don't forget to kick the ball
0:17:07 > 0:17:09# You're not allowed to touch the ball
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- # Oh, my word, he touched the ball! #- Gay Ogden?!
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- Who's this for?- What's his second name?- Who?- Not that idiot again?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- Who's he?!- I'll have to speak to my agent.- No idea who he is.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Barry who?- Who's Gary Ogden?- Don't know.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Doesn't ring a bell.- Never heard of him.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I thought I was doing this for Gary Lineker.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29He's my close personal friend.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32180!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34No, that's definitely darts.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Who is this guy?!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38# Rio 2014!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40# Rio 2014!
0:17:40 > 0:17:44# Rio...2014!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46# Rio 2014!
0:17:46 > 0:17:47# Rio 2014!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49# Rio 2014!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51# Just watch that trophy gleam
0:17:55 > 0:17:56WHISTLE
0:17:56 > 0:17:58# Summertime! #
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Who is this Gary Ogden anyway?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Don't know. I thought you knew him. - I don't know him.- Oh.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07# Rio 2014! #
0:18:07 > 0:18:12See, those close personal friends took the time out to be in the song.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15That's all very well, but none of them are Wayne Spooney.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Thanks Gary.- So, let's go over to...
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Actually, there is just one more thing, if I may, Felicity.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Where were you today at three minutes past three?- In the office.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Uh-huh. And four minutes past three? - The office.- Right.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- Five minutes past three?- I was in the office!- OK, good.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39- So, moving over...- Six minutes past three?- Office! I was in the office!
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I did not take your spoon!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Argh!
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Now the weather with the woman who doesn't know the meaning of
0:18:52 > 0:18:56"Keep it down, Ms Wave, the pensioners are trying to sleep."
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- It's Davina Wave.- And Map! Hello Mappy!
0:18:58 > 0:19:03A very good afternoon to you, Robert and Felicity.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Felicity, something really weird is happening here.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- I know.- Mappy is wearing a bow tie!
0:19:08 > 0:19:12I need to change this rubbish normal tie into a bow. Stat!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Henry Smart believed my regional accent
0:19:16 > 0:19:19to be somewhat difficult to understand,
0:19:19 > 0:19:25so he hired this elocution therapist, Dr Meredith Mouthbetter,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- to teach me the Queen's English. - Charmed.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32So, without further ado, let's begin!
0:19:32 > 0:19:37And we commence in that...London.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I'm sorry to say that all you Londoners
0:19:40 > 0:19:43will be a bit chilly today.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Poor Southern la-di-das, barely know the meaning of cold!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- SHE LAUGHS - Apologies.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53How now, brown cow?
0:19:53 > 0:19:59Well, if that cow was in Staines, the answer would be...
0:19:59 > 0:20:03And finally, we move north.
0:20:03 > 0:20:09- SHE LAUGHS - Towards a charming city nestled on the banks of the River Tyne.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15The most magnificent flaming toon in the whole wide world!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Newcastle!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19SHE SCREAMS
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Argh!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Ah, Meredith, you're dead canny, pet, but I cannae deny me roots!
0:20:25 > 0:20:31- Newcastle! Where as ever, the weather going to be a proper belta! - SHE SCREAMS
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Back to you Robert and Felicity. Huh!
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Davina Wave there,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40proving you should never restrict yourself. Right Bob?
0:20:40 > 0:20:45HE GROANS I think I've dislocated my shoulder. Mappy! Help!
0:20:49 > 0:20:53He's undercover and overmade-up, it's our People's Champion,
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Phil Tyme, on the trail of some allegedly greedy teachers.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Phil, what's the situation?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Well, after some crafty sneaking about as Filipina Rosemary,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07I've firmly found this room down this corridor where it looks to me
0:21:07 > 0:21:11like the teachers might be keeping the proper tasty food.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Let's have a gander, shall we?
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Oh, strike, Terry! Look at all these cakes! I've done it!
0:21:18 > 0:21:23I've exposed a culinary conspiracy that would make Mary Berry blush.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24But just a thought,
0:21:24 > 0:21:28maybe I should try one of 'em just to make sure that they're real.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Oh, get on that? That is cracking!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Stuff this!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- DOOR OPENS - Mm!
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Oh, it seems I've fallen into this cake!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Filipina Rosemary, what is the meaning that this?!
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Ah-ha! I'm not Filipina Rosemary, I'm Phil Tyme the People's Champion
0:21:48 > 0:21:52and I demand to know why you teachers aren't giving your nippers
0:21:52 > 0:21:55any of this blue corduroy food?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- What?!- I think he means cordon bleu. - Yeah.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00This is not the teacher's cake trolley,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02this is for the school bake sale,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05where we'll raise money to build a better canteen.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- Oh, where you?- Filipina Rosemary, you're getting a detention.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14I want you to write, "I must not eat cake" 300 times.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18You can't give me a detention, I'm a national news reporter.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- I own half a van!- 400 times!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- You can't.- 500!
0:22:24 > 0:22:29- It's your own time you're wasting! - Oh, cheesecake and crackers!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32This is the People's Champion, Filipina...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Phil Tyme fighting to get schoolchildren proper food.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37but just accidentally eating it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Don't you judge me, oven glove.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Take 'em back! Take 'em back!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45That's all we've got time for today.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I've been the innocent Felicity Bond.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- And I've been...- A spoon-napper!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- What?!- Admit it. I know it was you! You took Wayne Spooney.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58- Everyone else has an alibaba.- Alibi. - Yep, see you next time, Felicity.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Why would I take your spoon?- Cos you were jealous!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04That's ladling it on a bit thick. This is a ladle...
0:23:04 > 0:23:10- Not this time, Bob. Our friendship is over. We are finished. - BOB GASPS
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- Don't talk to me.- Oh!- Don't text me. - Oh!- Don't send letters.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Don't send carrier owls.- Hoo-hoo!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Don't cut messages into paper
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- in an impressive and amusing fashion.- Er...
0:23:23 > 0:23:28- Don't send donkeys with words shaved into their fur. - DONKEY BRAES
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- You are dead to me. - BOB GASPS
0:23:30 > 0:23:35- What's that in your pocket, Gary? - Oh, that's just Wayne Spooney.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It's Wayne Spooney! Yes!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Mwah! -In hindsight, I probably should
0:23:41 > 0:23:44have checked my spoon pocket before now,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- but don't let it happen again. - Noted.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Unbelievable! Say goodbye, Bob.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Goodbye, Bob.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I've never seen yer spoon aroon the toon.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I've never seen yer spoon aroon the town.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Haddaway man! Toon! Toon! Woman man! Toon!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I've never seen yer spoon aroon the toon?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- By Geordie, you've got it!- BOTH: Hawey!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Now, has anyone seen Sarah, the Duchess of Fork?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd