0:00:02 > 0:00:04# You gotta watch this... #
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Pffft!
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# You gotta watch this
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# You gotta watch this
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# But not what you normally see
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# It feels good And there's out-takes, too
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Ha! You can't touch
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# Stop! Hacker time! # Thank you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:39Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of the show, Hacker T Dog!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- He-he! Erm, Hacker? HACKER? - Help! I'm up here!
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Hmph! Get me down, Derek!
0:00:47 > 0:00:51I'm supposed to be lowered in in a showbiz and impressive manner.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Sorry, Hacker. The lever's stuck. - Get me down!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57DEREK STRAINS
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I am livid, Derek. I can't stay up here all day.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Start the show, Hacker, while I sort it out.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oh, bodges. All right, then.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06This is Hacker Time.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09'Coming up we've got this,
0:01:09 > 0:01:10'this,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13'and that.'
0:01:13 > 0:01:16It's going to be a great sho-o-ow!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18CRASH
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Why does that not entirely surprise me? Here's some howlers.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Ah. Oof!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32MUSIC: "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba
0:01:46 > 0:01:49This family moved... Ooh!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58PHONE RINGS
0:02:06 > 0:02:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:16What a collection of calamities. More hilarious howlers later.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19ALARM SOUNDS
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Ooh, your guest's on his way, Hacker.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Oh, good. You're going to love this.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I've got a massive big guest coming in today.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29He's got great hair, he's a teen heartthrob
0:02:29 > 0:02:31and he's loved all over the world!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It's so exciting!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43DRUMROLL
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Ladies and gentlemen, I'm really proud
0:02:45 > 0:02:49to present world-famous superstar Justin Bieber!
0:02:49 > 0:02:50# Baby, baby, baby, ooh... #
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Justin Bieber?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Iain, what are you doing here? Get out the way!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Justin Bieber's coming!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Justin! JUSTIN! Aw.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Right, wait there, Stirling. Don't get comfy.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Derek, where's Justin Bieber? - Justin Bieber?
0:03:13 > 0:03:17No, no. It's Iain Stirling who I've arranged for our guest today.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Iain? What did you do that for?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I said I wanted a massive celebrity with great hair
0:03:22 > 0:03:26who's a teen heartthrob and who's loved all over the world.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- I thought you meant Iain. - Of course I didn't mean Iain!
0:03:30 > 0:03:34He's a low-quality celebrity at best, and his hair is substandard.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- I want Bieber!- Oh, dear.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Oh, bodges.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Hey Hacks, mate! Thought I'd come and be on the show.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46The old lads together. Us old buddies have a right old LOL.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Laugh out, laugh out loud. - Yeah, great(!)
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- What's the matter? - I said, "Yeah! Great! Ha-ha!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:55You don't seem very excited.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You weren't expecting someone else, were you?
0:03:58 > 0:04:04- Oh, no! Definitely not. Not that. - I'm pretty excited about this, mate.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I've got a Hacker badge on. Official merchandise.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Yay, whoopee(!)
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Hey, isn't it time for that hilarious part of the show
0:04:12 > 0:04:15where you show the hilarious fact file about me?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17No! I'm not going to do that this week.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I know, let's have a nice little chat instead.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25No, no. Let's, let's do the fact file. Derek! Show the profile!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Justin Bieber is a Canadian megastar who burst
0:04:28 > 0:04:30onto the pop scene in 2007,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34when he clocked up more than 10 million internet hits.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38He has won a string of awards like Best Male at the MTV Music Awards
0:04:38 > 0:04:41and International Breakthrough Artist at the Brit Awards.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Plus he's had has loads of hit songs, a movie and sell-out tours.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47And he's here today!
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Why, it's international megastar, JUSTIN BIEBER!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- You were expecting Justin Bieber, weren't you?- No!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- What's that, then?- Just a joke!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Just a joke? What's this then?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02FANFARE
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- Is that a joke as well? - All right, then, Iain!
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I was expecting Bieber. You ruined everything for me!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You sicken me, Stirling.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I'm here now! What were you thinking?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Justin Bieber wouldn't come on this show in a million years!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Yes, he will! He'll be here any minute! I'm sure of it.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24TICKING CLOCK
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Iain?- Yes?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I don't think he's coming, is he?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Shall we just do it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- It's probably for the best, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49So, Iain. You have a history of making telly on CBBC and that.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Do you think you're any good?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You should know, mate. We normally do it together, don't we?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I think I could do it betterer then you.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Why haven't you tried before? We're a double act.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Pipe down, Stirling!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Watch and learn, vole eyes. Pull that lever!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10'Welcome to the Betterer Arena.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14'Today I will show you how to make CBBC betterer
0:06:14 > 0:06:17'in a few simple steps.'
0:06:19 > 0:06:23I don't know why CBBC don't have any puppets,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26cos they can be right entertaining and that.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Like my mate, Harry Tongue. Y'all right, Harry?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Y'all right, Hacker?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I was just hanging about in the kitchen.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Ha-ha-ha! You're so funny.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Off you go, Harry.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Now, all CBBC shows should feature just me. Yes.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Imagine... Imagine...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Hello and welcome to Hacker BBC.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Coming up today we have... Hacker Round, with me.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Hacker 60. Oh! I'm in that.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Hacker Jane Adventures. Good drama, that is.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08MI Hacker, Tracy Hacker, Scoop,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Hacker Time... Blue... Blue Peter. Blue Peter?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Blue Peter? Hold on a minute. I'm not in that! What's that doing here?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I don't even like the programme!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Blue? I see in black-and-white!
0:07:22 > 0:07:27My final plan to make CBBC awesome is to have it on 24 hours a day,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31non-stop, with me!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Foolproof! Oh, but how would I go lav-lav?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Any ideas, Harry?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I'm not using that! I'm not an animal, you know!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50All right, put it on the floor.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I can't go with you looking at me!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Ah! Glorious bottle!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04So accommodating.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- So that's better than CBBC, is it? - Yes, Iain. A big relief!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Since you're here, I thought we'd take a look
0:08:14 > 0:08:17at some clips of you on the telly and that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Nothing I like more than looking at clips of me.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I am a good-looking and talented television presenter.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24With perfect hair.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Well, that's not what you said on this clip.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Welcome back to the CBBC office. Still to come today, TSOTB.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Sorry... I know...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37My hair... is horrible.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Run network!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- That's been doctored in some ways. - No, it hasn't!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46My T-shirt changes on several occasions.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Oh, Iain!
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Now, some of our more silly viewers might want to know more about you.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- I don't blame them. - I can't think why.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57So I'm going to ask you some questions like proper TV people do.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Go on, then.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Why don't you spell your name properly?!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I do! That's how you, it's Gaelic.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- I don't agree with it! - It's I, A, I, N.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- That's a proper way to... - You're wrong!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Why do you talk in that silly voice all the time?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I don't!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- This is my,... You know this! I'm Scottish.- It's weird!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21It's not, it's normal!
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Why are your eyes so tiny, like a vole's eyes.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27They're not small.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- They're tiny! - There normal-sized for my face.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- They're not natural! - They're symmetrical!
0:09:33 > 0:09:38Who's your best friend in the whole wide world?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Do you know, do you know Hacker?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Not him.- Iain!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45What is your favourite...? Excuse me a second.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- What's your favourite...? Sorry. - What are you doing?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50What is your...? Will you stop it!
0:09:50 > 0:09:55Hacker, ask Iain better questions, like, about his amazing hair.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Do you think I can have hair like his?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59NYAARGH!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01He could've just said no.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03That's got it. Aiee! Phew!
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Now, who's your...? Er, oh. I've forgotten the question.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Never mind. It can't have been important.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17Hey, shall we look at some clips of you looking stupid on CBBC instead?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I'd rather you didn't.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I'm going to because you look like a right mooey in this lot.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Let's not show them, then. - Let's show them. Good idea.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Flick that switch.- I'd rather not. - Just do it. The switch!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35To Iain... You are the world's most stupidest man!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39BELCHING
0:10:39 > 0:10:42It's me! The jester!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Hey, Sally! BREAKS WIND
0:10:45 > 0:10:47BODGES!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I'm a beautiful air hostess.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:07You regularly look silly on live TV, Iain, don't you?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Not as silly as you do. - A good point. Shall we move on?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Now, Iain, I have some more questions for you.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Take them seriously! This is a proper serious bit, this.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23The public need to know! Spotlight please, Herman.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Right, Hacker.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30- What's your favourite CBBC show? - I quite like BAMZOOKi.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Good answer. Who's your favourite presenter?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Can I say me?- No!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Barney Harwood.- Good choice.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41If you had a show - never going to happen - what would it be about?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45It would be called Iain's Show and it would be about people walking in
0:11:45 > 0:11:49and saying, "Ah! Are you Iain?" I'd go, "No big deal."
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- ALARM SOUNDS - Stop now!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55So that's what you think.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58The other day I asked some actual children about kids' TV and that,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01because they should know, shouldn't they?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Here's what happened. Press that button!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Thank you.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Hello! As you know, I'm Hacker.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12But what you don't know yet is what the nation thinks
0:12:12 > 0:12:14about some very important questions.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17So let's get amongst it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21CRASHING AND SHOUTING
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Let me out! Let me out of here!
0:12:27 > 0:12:32So now we know what they think. Let's go and ask some other people.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Hello!- ALL: Hello!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- How are you all? OK? - ALL: Yes!
0:12:37 > 0:12:43Well I'm here now to ask you a few questions about, erm, CBBC.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Who likes Dick and Dom?- Me.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- What do you like about Dick and Dom? - They're funny.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50They are, aren't they? What do they shout out?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51- ALL: Bogies.- Louder!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- All: BOGIES! - Dani.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Mine is Sam and Mark.- Chris.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- You're popular, Johnson! - Helen from Blue Peter.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Barney.- Do you like Iain as well?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- A bit.- A bit! Did you hear that, Stirling? Only a bit.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- Hacker.- You. - Me? What about Steve Backshall?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- I don't know about him. - You don't like him?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I do, but you're better.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Hear that, Backshall? I'm better and I've got more muscles.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- You.- Aw, little old me?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- You.- That is it, folks. It's resounding.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I am the best one. Fact.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23What's your favourite CBBC show?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Tracy Beaker Returns. - I like Scoop.- Deadly 60.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30If you had your own programme, what would it be about?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Finding a million dollars on the floor.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Me and you playing football.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Hello. This programme is about me. - Very good.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Funny things. - Like funny faces?- Yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Can you all do my funny face?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Ready, everyone?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51There we are, folks. We have learned a few things there.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Basically, I am the best CBBC presenter,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56my programmes, Scoop and Hacker Time,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58are the best ones around,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01and Iain Stirling has not been involved in any of the good stuff.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Fact. Let's have a nice big clap for all these lovely people.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Give yourselves a big clap, everyone. Yeah! Thank you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Thank you.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Hey!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15You've edited that!
0:14:15 > 0:14:19You've taken out the bits where they said they liked Iain Stirling.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21How dare you! That is a terrible accusation.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You have no tangible fans.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Anyway, the next bit we're going to do is...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Ooh! Iain, look.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33You wait there, I'm just going to go over there and...do something.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34You occupy yourself for a minute.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35I just wanted...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Oh, look at that. A big shiny red button
0:14:40 > 0:14:43that would only benefit from a nice big old pushing.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45So let's have a little... Oh.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"Do not push"? Aw, what a spoilsport.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Spoils all my fun, right. Could have pushed that button.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Still might be considering...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I mean, what's the worst that could possibly happen?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Hey!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Oi! What you doing?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Every single show, you press that button
0:15:02 > 0:15:04and something terrible happens.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Mate, do the right thing. Don't press the button.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Oh, Iain, you're right.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I'm going to behave in the correct manner, hey.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Make me proud, you do, mate.- Aw.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16So, eh, what are we doing...?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18ALARM BLARES
0:15:18 > 0:15:20EXPLOSIONS
0:15:20 > 0:15:23We appear to have lift-off and we're not ready!
0:15:27 > 0:15:28THUNDER CRASHES
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- Iain?- Yeah, mate?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Back away.- Yeah, good idea.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Let's never speak of this again. - Yeah, brilliant, yeah.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Oh look, a...a fire.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Still to come today,
0:15:41 > 0:15:42this,
0:15:42 > 0:15:43this...
0:15:45 > 0:15:49..and this. Who are they? Oh, heck. Put something else on, Derek, quick!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Here's some more howlers.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Ha-ha! Look!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Heh-heh!
0:15:58 > 0:15:59BANG!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Ooh, that was frightening.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Mind the shed. Oh no! The shed!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Oh, look.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Oh, look!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Oh, neigh!
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Oh, mind the hammock.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Ooh!
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Stop.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Heh heh! Moisture!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Moisture! Moisture!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26He's got a wig on. Ha!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Oh, not the guttering, sir.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Ha-ha!
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Oh! No!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Land it, land it!
0:16:36 > 0:16:37He's landed.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Oh, no. Oh!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- What a load of LOLs.- Aw.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47More of them later.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51OK, coming up now, we've got Downstairs Abbey.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52No, hey!
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Before Downstairs Abbey,
0:16:53 > 0:16:57don't you normally do that bit where the guest shows off their talent?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Aren't we doing that?- No.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Why not?
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Because you have no talent, Iain.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04What can you do? Sing? No.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Dance? No.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Act? I don't think so.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12How very dare you. I can do lots of things.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13I can, erm....
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Ah! I can...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Oh, I'm not allowed to.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Oh! I can definitely...
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Oh, I can't.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24See? You're a disgrace, with no skills!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Oh! Comedy!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30I can do stand-up comedy. I'm a world-famous stand-up comedian.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Oh, not that again.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Yeah, and I can teach you all the skills you need to be as funny as me.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Huh! Won't take long.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Let's go to the part of the studio
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- that happens to be decorated appropriately. Come on.- Yeah.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45DRUM ROLL
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome CBBC funny man...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Hacker T Dog!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51CHEERING
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Thank you! Thank you very much.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Oh yeah, and please welcome Iain as well.- Thank you!
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Yeah!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00You shouldn't have!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01- They didn't.- No.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Hi. Listen, basically, there's a few tricks,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07a few brilliant jokes you can tell.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I'm going to let you master just a few. Ready for this?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- Yeah, go on.- First one's the "waiter, waiter" joke.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15You go into a restaurant and ask a waiter about a problem.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17He gives you a comedy answer to the problem.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18- You ready?- Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Ahem.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Waiter, waiter. What's this fly doing in my soup?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26The backstroke.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28SILENCE
0:18:28 > 0:18:29You what?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Tough crowd.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35OK, they may not go for it, but do you want to try the waiter joke?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Yeah, go on, bring that thing down. - Waiter, comedy answer... Ready?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Hello?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Waiter, waiter,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46I'm very pleased with the standard of service in this restaurant tonight.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Thank you very much!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Hold on, hold on. That wasn't a joke.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56That was a commentary on the standard of service.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Hilarious, that.- It wasn't a joke!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Listen. Joke number two, this is.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Get ready, people, because you are about to be comedied.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Doctor, doctor.- I'll just move here.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10You go into the surgery, you ask the doctor about something,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and he gives a comedy answer.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- Make it happen!- I'll make it happen. You ready, guys? Thought so.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Pull yourself together, then!
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Slam!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- What?- Well...
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- What was that meant to mean? - What? That was...
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Right, go on. If you're so... - Bring that down.- Listen!- What?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Doctor, doctor, comedy answer. Go!
0:19:34 > 0:19:35I'll do it. Ahem.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Doctor, doctor.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Um, I've got a bit of an ailment on me toe.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Thank you! Thank you very much!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Huzzah! I'm here all week.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- What? You can't just talk about your ailments!- Course you can.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Where's the structure?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It got a laugh, didn't it?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55That is it. I'm pulling out the big guns.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Go on, then. - Pulling out the big jokes.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You pull out the big jokes.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00You ready for this, people?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02This is a knock-knock joke.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04A knock-knock and a comedy answer.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- I'll stand here, you do it. - You be the guy behind the door.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Knock, knock.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Who's there?
0:20:11 > 0:20:12- Doctor.- Doctor who?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Yup. That's me.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15SILENCE
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- I don't get that.- It's Matt Smith!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with THEM?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Are you damaged or something?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23BOOING
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Right, go on.- Get it down here. - Doctor, doctor.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Lower! Fix it a bit!- Aww!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29That's it. Ahem.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Knock, knock.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Who's there?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Doctor Who.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Thank you very much.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37The time-travelling GP. Yes.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Oh no, you're not having that.- What?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- What was that?- It was a joke.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- It wasn't a joke!- It got a laugh. - It didn't have a structure.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Doesn't matter.- You lot, right?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48You don't know... You're rubbish!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Keep them out of this.- No, listen,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54you lot wouldn't know comedy if it bit you on the...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Bum!
0:20:56 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Oh! So that's what it is now? Right, bum. Bum.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01BOOING
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Bum!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05BOOING CONTINUES
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Thank you! Thank you, oh, thank you.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Very nice of you, that. Thank you.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12What a lovely audience.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17And as a treat, here I've got a lovely episode of Downstairs Abbey.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I, Hackerella,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31hope that one day I will be married to my master,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Lord Percy.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I love him so much,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I've drawn a little picture of him.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Oh,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Lord Percy.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Oh, Lord Percy.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45HE SIGHS
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Hey, you. You just copied me. - No, I didn't.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49BELL RINGS
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Oh! Lord Percy!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- I'll go, I'll go.- No, I'll go.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Get the... Oh...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- Stop! Stop it! - Move your foot out of the way.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Ah! Ahem. Girls.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I need your help.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03The beautiful Lady Sarah is visiting this afternoon,
0:22:03 > 0:22:07and I want to impress her with a poem.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09But I can't think what to write.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Could you help?- Yes.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Here you go, Sonny Jim.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Lady Sarah,
0:22:14 > 0:22:15you're pretty, it's so true.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh, yes. This is great stuff.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Such a shame you smell of doo-doo.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21- Ha-ha!- D-O-O, that...
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Right, enough from you two.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Get out there and make this house clean!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28THEY LAUGH
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Doo-doo!- Hey, Hacks, what are we going to do?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Well, I quite fancy a sandwich.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35No, I mean about Lady Sarah.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Oh, her. Well, we could do this.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39HE WHISPERS
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Lord Percy!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Lady Sarah is waiting in the drawing-room for you.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Ah. Excellent.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53HE CHUCKLES
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- Lady Sarah. - (DEEP VOICE) Good afternoon.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00(FALSETTO) I mean, good afternoon, Lord Percy.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I've written you a poem.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Would you like to hear it?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05No, not really.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I don't really like poetry,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and I don't like you much either.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13But, Lady Sarah...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15we are meant to be together!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I can think of no other way to show you my love.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- I will kiss you!- Rowf?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Mm! Mmmm!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Lord Percy! What are you doing?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Lady Sarah!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I...I thought that was you.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You thought...THAT was me?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36How dare you! Good day.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Lady Sarah, no! But...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Right, I've got a job for you.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43My chimney needs sweeping,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45and my brush is broken.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47You'll make the perfect replacement.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh, bodges!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Ha-ha! Bye-bye!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55And don't come back! Ha-ha-ha!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59HE GROANS
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Dodgina!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Dodgina, let me in!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04It's cold out here!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Ain't I good at acting and that?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Yeah, mat. You're...brilliant.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Thank you. - I'm still a better comedian.- Hmm?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I'd better go on, mate. See you.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16What?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Got to head off, be famous on telly and stuff, but enjoy...this. Bye.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Iain! Iain! Don't go.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23What?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I was just getting used to having you around.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Yeah, but I've got to head off, so see you later. Bye.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Iain!
0:24:30 > 0:24:31If you stay,
0:24:31 > 0:24:36I thought I could change the name of the show to, um...
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Iain and Hacker Time.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Iain and Hacker Time?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I would literally have my own show?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Yeah, in a...in a small way.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48My own show!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50This is the best news I've ever received!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I'm so excited I could actually...
0:24:53 > 0:24:54PHRRT!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Sorry.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Iain Stirling, you're a monster!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00It slipped out!
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I don't care, I will not have trouser sounds like that on my show!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Our show.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08No, not any more.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You unsightly man, get out!
0:25:10 > 0:25:11But can I not just...?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Get out. Please leave my areas.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Can I just stay for...?- No!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Can I have a...Hacker Time dog ball?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Oh, no, not you.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Please leave.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23OK, can I take the...?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Leave the penguin and get out.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- You're not welcome round here. - I'm just going to... Sorry, my fault.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- You've damaged him! - I'm having him.- Take him.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33What a lovely man.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Now I've got my show back,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38it's time for some of my favourite LOLs from around the world.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39It's time for...
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Hacker's top three presenting howlers!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Three!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47In at three is a reminder.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51When presenting, remember to watch out for conkers.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55And now, the great conker challenge!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Ta-ra!
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Great fanfare, guys.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Thanks for that. Ow!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Ha-ha! Right in the thumbsquudge!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Two!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12At two is a man landing on his bot-bot.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15And that includes the sleeping accommodation,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17hundreds of tightly-packed hammocks,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20true to the design of the original ships,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22and just as awkward to get into.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30One!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33And at number one, don't try to present on telly
0:26:33 > 0:26:35when you've got a reptile with you.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38This guy is probably close to five feet.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Texas rat snakes are going to be
0:26:40 > 0:26:41one of the largest snakes
0:26:41 > 0:26:44you find in the metroplex area...
0:26:44 > 0:26:45What the...?!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Get this thing off me, man!
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Get this thing off me!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Oh, he's in a right state.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Calm yourself down, man. You'll do yourself a nonsense.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57That's it for today.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Thanks to me for being the best presenter on telly,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and thanks to you lot for watching.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03What about me?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Oh, yeah. And thanks to Iain for being on and that.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Now it's time for my song.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Way-hey! Ooh ooh ooh!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# We've had a LOL or two watching some clips
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one
0:27:34 > 0:27:39# Iain Stirling, that Scottish mess, gatecrashed my show today
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# I proved that I'm the funniest one
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Then he disgraced himself so he could not stay
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# I'll see you next time on this show of my time
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #