0:00:02 > 0:00:04# You gotta watch this... #
0:00:04 > 0:00:06PFFRRT!
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# ..You gotta watch this
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# You gotta watch this
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# But not what you normally see
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# It feels good And there's out-takes, too
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Ha! You can't touch
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# Stop! Hacker time! #
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35In 20... 19...
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Lolly! Something strange has happened to Mr Hacker!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42What is it? Has he bothered that pelican again?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Or shown up another otter?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Worse than that! Mr Hacker is being...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49SERIOUS!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Serious?! Oh, no!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53What are we going to do, Lolly?!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55We've not got time!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58We're starting in 3...2...1...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- On air!- Here we go! - Good day to you.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I am Hacker T Dog, and you are watching Hacker Time.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Today's show is going to be a bit different from the normal rubbish.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13There'll be no low-quality jokes about meat or trouser sounds.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15PFFRRT!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Derek! Will you stop it?! Please!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Ahem. Today, viewers, Hacker Time is turning serious.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Firstly, I will present an informative lecture
0:01:25 > 0:01:29about foodstuffs. Namely, the cream pie.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I shall make my way over to said pie,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34but not before carelessly discarding
0:01:34 > 0:01:37this slippery banana skin onto the floor.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- SPLAT! - Perfect. That's better!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Here we go now, to the pie!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- Whoaah!!- Careful, Mr Hacker!
0:01:44 > 0:01:49You're heading straight for my badly parked electric scooter!
0:01:49 > 0:01:50- Oh, no! Oh, no!- Ooh!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Way-whoa-way-oh!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- SPLAT! - Oh, bodges!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Well, at least the door didn't fall off its hinges.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- CRREEEAK! - Oh! Ooh!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I don't know why I bother trying to be serious!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Let's just do the usual Hacker Time nonsense!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Derek, the menu!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Gah! Oh...it's pretty good, this.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Today's show is going to be flipping loud!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22BOOOGEEEEYYYS!!
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Flipping brilliant!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28And flipping disgusting!
0:02:28 > 0:02:29PFFRRT!
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Eurgh!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Pah! Pah! Well, that was a total disaster!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38And that door needs putting back on.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I was going to have a serious journalist joining me
0:02:41 > 0:02:44to talk about politics and other clever stuff.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47But since it's all got out of hand...Herman! Wilf!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Get me someone who talks utter nonsense!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Yes, Mr Hacker!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53We're on our way!
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59MUSIC: Theme from Mission:Impossible
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- CRASH! - Whoa!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Stay there, guys! Off you go, Wilf!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08DOM: Oi! Where we going?!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Off we go!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12DOM: I want me mammy!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I'll just reverse it...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Please welcome today's guests.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19From the double act, Dick and Dom,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- it's Dick and Dom! - CHEERING
0:03:23 > 0:03:24What's going on?!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You're my guests today on Hacker Time!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Hacker Time? I love that show!
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Really?!- Hang on...no, I'm thinking about Newsnight.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I get confused! Your show's the pointless waste of time?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oh, thank you very much!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Oh...- It could be worse.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Chris Johnson could be here. - Exactly.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44ALL: Yonko!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48So, in case you're lucky enough never to have seen
0:03:48 > 0:03:49these two on telly before,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52this is all you need to know about Dick and Dom.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Pull the red lever, cocker!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56No, not you! The other one!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Ooh, I like you!
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Dick and Dom are that double act that aren't Ant and Dec.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04They were birthed by Chris Moyles off Radio 1,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06in Dunstable in the mid-1960s.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10They're famous for being highbrow and serious. Look!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"I have something highbrow and important to say to you.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- "What's that?" - PFFRRT!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Before they were a double act, Dom was a magician,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22but he can't be good. He hasn't made Dick disappear.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Ha! Their lack of ability at doing anything useful
0:04:25 > 0:04:28led them to become versatile presenters.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29They can get covered in gunge,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32get covered in gunge, and get covered in gunge.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Come on, boys, get a proper job!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39At least they've always remained at the cutting edge of fashion.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- WOMAN SQUEALS - Oh, no! Eh?! What on earth...?!
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Some people think Dick and Dom are badly behaved,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48but I don't know what they're on about.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Here to explain themselves are Dick and t'other one.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54No, no! I'm sorry, Hacker,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58but there was lots of factual inaccuracies during that!
0:04:58 > 0:04:59- I know!- Oh, ha(!)
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I am now going to do an interview,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05like proper presenters like Sam and Mark would do.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Question one. You two are silly.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Can you give any tips for any of the viewers at home
0:05:12 > 0:05:15who want to waste their lives and be like you?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Hmmm...here's a good one. If your name's Steven, Susan...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Mandy?- Mandy, Peter...
0:05:21 > 0:05:22- Graham?- ..whatever it is!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Change your name to Dick! - TRUMPETS SOUND
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Ooh, lovely advice!
0:05:27 > 0:05:28You star in Diddy Movies,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- where you have funny little comedy bodies on.- Yes.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Dick, do they have to shrink you down using computers
0:05:36 > 0:05:38so you're the same size as Dom?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Oi!- Ha-ha!- Leave it!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43They did shrink us down with computers.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46But giving you a bit of technical information,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- we were twice as big... - THEY YAWN AND SNORE
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Everyone's going to sleep. Forget it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Very interesting, mate! - What a dull man!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56THEY GIGGLE
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Dom, You remind me a little bit of Barry Chuckle.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Except you've got a more wrinkly face.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Would you like to be as good as the Chuckle Brothers?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06- Not really!- Good point, yeah.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11I am an talented character and can create high-quality trouser sounds.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Behold!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15PFFRRT!
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Can you match that?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- PFFRRT! - Eurgh!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I thought that had elegance.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24It had subtle undertones and beauty.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27It wasn't bad. But can you do better, cocker?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29All right, here we go! Are you ready?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- That was impressive! - One for sorrow, two for joy.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37That was joy!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I've got a crazy idea, but it might work.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Get ready to join in with this.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Hit it, maestro!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Me first.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48MUSIC: The Blue Danube Waltz by Strauss
0:06:48 > 0:06:50PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Wait...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00My turn!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Wait, hang on!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! !
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Big finish!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- PFFRRT! - Oh, dear!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- TOILET FLUSHES - Did you like that?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- I'm going to check that last one in a minute.- What? Oh, no.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Who says television's dumbing down!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Now then, boys, it's nice to have you here today.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I've not seen you since we were at college together.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39We weren't at college together.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Richard or Dominic! How could you forget?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I certainly remember!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48You two played havoc in the library. Look!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51# Dick and Dom in da bungalow! #
0:07:51 > 0:07:55(COMMENTATOR) Welcome to the Mitchell Library in Glasgow.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59And Wood starts with an almost inaudible "bogeys".
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Bogeys.- Oh, I've not, have I?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03And who's this student here?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Unusual-looking fellow there.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- But Wood, preparing to go again. - Bog-eys!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12They're so pesky, aren't they?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- Nothing a quick pick won't cure. - What is this cat doing?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It's made them walk away in disgust.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- McCourt, barely holding himself together.- Bogeys!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Ugh! It's not my fault! I've had a cold!
0:08:25 > 0:08:31This simple chap...struggling to know how to respond to the bogey call.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33BOGEYS!
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- Strong, from Wood! - Leave me alone! I've got a cold!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40It's not my fault my nasal passage is everywhere!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Stop picking on me!- SHHHHH!
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Ooh! I've never been so... - Filthy animal! Off he goes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Just what IS his problem?!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Ha-ha-ha! - That's very, very wrong, Hacker!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55You butchered TV history there! You chimpanzee!
0:08:55 > 0:09:00Oh, you couple of mooeys! You're always in there, ruining my day!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02So which one of you is the best bogey-er?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04BOTH: He is!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Let me hear some proof of said bogey.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Ready?- Yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:17BOOOOOGGEEEEEEEEEEEYYY!!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- What was that?- Oh!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Well done, Dick or Dom.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Anyway, boys. I'm not the only one who wants to ask you a question.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29There are some loyal fans who'd like to talk to you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Let's go to the phones!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Grip your handsets and elevate your antennae!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Hello?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Oh, hello there, yes. Could I have a number 7,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44a number 43, a number 31,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47and a portion of egg fried rice, please?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Don't you have a question for Dick and Dom?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Dick and Dom? Who are they? The chefs?!
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Ask them if I can have extra chillies in my Kung Po Chicken.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'll be there to collect it in 30 minutes. Good day to you!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02What the bodgers was that all about?!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Sorry about this, boys.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06What a load of old hoopla!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08What's the next bit, Derek?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11The next bit is me! It's Derek Time! Hoo-hoo!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Oh, no it isn't!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You're not soiling my show with that nonsense!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Too late, Mr Hacker!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21I've had it written into me contract, and you've signed it!
0:10:21 > 0:10:22When did I do that?
0:10:22 > 0:10:28When I told you it was an order for 11 kilos of super-lean mince.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Ohhh, no!! Foiled by my insatiable love of mince!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34All right, then!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Do your show, but make it quick.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37And I still want my mince!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39OK, then! Hoo-hoo!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Here we go, everyone!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43KEYBOARD TUNE
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Hoo-hoo! It's Derek Time!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Hee-hee!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Hello again, Derek McGee fans!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It's time for some real highbrow entertainment.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56On today's DT, we haven't got time to show you a trumping cat.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58PFFRRT!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Or a cat that trumps. PFFFRRT!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04But we have got time to show you today's top clip.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I wonder what could happen here...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Ooh. Nothing. This is disappointing, isn't it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16BEHIND CAMERA: Do something, cat!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19PFFFRRT! Hoo-hoo! Let's watch it again!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21PFFRRT!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Hoo-hoo-hoo!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!! Hoo-hoo!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27PFFFRRTT! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29PFFRRTT! Ho-ho-ho-oh...
0:11:29 > 0:11:34PFFRRT! Oh... I think I've done meself a mischief!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Back to you, Hacker. KEYBOARD TUNE
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Have you got a moist towel?
0:11:39 > 0:11:43What's he like, Herman?! What a waste of space...oh!
0:11:43 > 0:11:48That reminds me! It's my song! Quick, guys! Get in! Hoo-hoo!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50# One of them's big The other is small
0:11:50 > 0:11:53# But they're still the greatest buddies of all
0:11:53 > 0:11:56# One's from the North the other the South
0:11:56 > 0:11:58# These two know what being mates is about
0:11:58 > 0:12:01# One consumes meat the other one don't
0:12:01 > 0:12:03# But that won't rock the boat
0:12:03 > 0:12:06# Though I must admit I still don't know which
0:12:06 > 0:12:08# Is Dom and which one is Dick, hey!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12# One can do magic t'other one can't
0:12:12 > 0:12:14# But argumentative they certainly aren't
0:12:14 > 0:12:17# One's got a brother the other's got three
0:12:17 > 0:12:19# But it doesn't bother them believe me
0:12:19 > 0:12:21# One's written books the other one ain't
0:12:21 > 0:12:24# I find the both of them quaint
0:12:24 > 0:12:27# They might be united but the problem's not gone
0:12:27 > 0:12:30# Which one's Dick and which one is Dom?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32# They work together an awful lot
0:12:32 > 0:12:35# On shows like Go Wild and Splatalot
0:12:35 > 0:12:37# They've even won BAFTAs I have not
0:12:37 > 0:12:40# Don't know why I'm clearly much better
0:12:40 > 0:12:43# One is called Dom or Dominic
0:12:43 > 0:12:45# The other is Richard, often Dick
0:12:45 > 0:12:48# But that problem that I cannot shift
0:12:48 > 0:12:51# I don't know which one's which
0:12:51 > 0:12:53# One of them's big the other is small
0:12:53 > 0:12:56# But they're still the greatest buddies of all
0:12:56 > 0:12:58# One's from the North the other the South
0:12:58 > 0:13:01# These two know what being mates is about
0:13:01 > 0:13:03# One consumes meat the other one don't
0:13:03 > 0:13:07# But that won't rock the boat
0:13:07 > 0:13:09# They are both different why do I get it wrong
0:13:09 > 0:13:11# When I'm wondering if he's Dick or Dom
0:13:11 > 0:13:14# I've highlighted the differences so why can't I pick
0:13:14 > 0:13:16# Who's Richard and who's Dominic? #
0:13:16 > 0:13:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Thank you!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Let's go for some meat paste! - I love a bit of meat paste!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- I don't eat meat! - Just have the paste, then!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Right! That is enough of this nonsense!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I'm writing a letter of complaint.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Benjamin, retrieve the stationery! I want you take this down.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Sure thing, Frank!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Ahem! "Dear The BBC,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44"I'm disgusted by this episode of Hacker Time.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46"I've said it before, I'll say it again,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50"there is NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT TRUMPING!"
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Read all of that back.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"Dear the BBC, I am disgusting..."
0:13:55 > 0:13:58No, no, no, no! It's "I am disgustED."
0:13:58 > 0:14:01But, Frank, I AM disgusting. Listen!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04PFFRRT!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Ha! It's funny, cos it smells of ham.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12BENJAMIN!!!!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15You're watching Hacker Time, my dead good show.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Dick and Dom are my guests today and they're having a lovely time!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Yeah, is that my agent? Oh, hi, Holly.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I DEMAND you get us off this programme NOW!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28This is the worst experience, Mum, that I've ever had!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Don't go anywhere! All this is still to come, cockers!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34This man has a splash.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Sherlock goes off with a bang...
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Ooh! Ohh...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And Dom gets a wallop!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43CLANG! CLANG!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Keep it Hacker Time, folks! Hoo-hoo!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- Looks good, don't it boys! - Errr...- Umm...brilliant!
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Yeah, it is. And the next bit is going to be PARTICULARLY good.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Is that because you want me to talk you through how I became
0:14:58 > 0:15:01a successful and reasonably well-known TV presenter?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Or maybe you'd like me to amaze you with my magic skills?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Ah-ah-ahhhh!- Nah.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09It's because you aren't in the next bit!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I'm off to see some real people
0:15:12 > 0:15:16who are much more sensible and interesting than you pair.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20It's time to get serious! Good day to you!
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- You all right, everybody? - ALL: Hi, Hacker!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I need a break from those two jokers, Dick and Dom.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Do you think you could show me how to be serious?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48ALL: Yes!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Good! Good!
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Your challenge is to look into the depths of my face without laughing.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- Are you ready?- Yeah.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- Ready then...here we go! - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:16:03 > 0:16:05MEOOOW!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Will you...will you marry me?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11MEOOOW!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I am a maiden! Stare into my eyes
0:16:14 > 0:16:17while I dance for you! La-la-la!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19THEY GIGGLE
0:16:19 > 0:16:22La-la-la-la-la!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Blu-blu-blu! Pew-pew!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Ehhh! Ehhh-ehhh-ehhh-ehhh!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Nothing.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- KLAXON SOUNDS - Go!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37SHE GIGGLES
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Result! You're rubbish!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Ha-ha! Oh, I've lost me hairpiece!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43So what have we learned today?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Number one, being serious looks like this.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Number two, being silly looks like this.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54And number three, cheese is made from cheese.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55It is, isn't it?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59It's like hard milk! Cheese is cheese!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Right, cockers, that's me done for today.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Oh, I'd better get back to the studio. Good day to ye!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07ALL: Bye, Hacker!
0:17:07 > 0:17:13Yeah. I hope Dick and Dom aren't being too silly in my absence. Ooh!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- CLOCK TICKS - Aww!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25All right, you two! Stop all this chaos!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28We've got a show to be getting on wi...on with.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Hello, Hacker. - What the bodgers are you doing?!
0:17:31 > 0:17:35You're supposed to be doing some zany, ridiculous antics,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37and I'm going to come back and get all furious!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40That's what happens in this part of the show!
0:17:40 > 0:17:44We're having a game of chess. Keeping ourselves to ourselves.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46It's what we do when we're not working.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Oh, right...er, OK. Bit weird, that.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Well, I wanted to let you know that I'm going to go off now
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- and watch some Dick and Dom howlers. - Yeah, fine.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00We'll just read some poetry or listen to some opera.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02That's what we do now we've moved on.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Right, OK. Suit yourselves, then.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06What a pair of let-downs!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12YEAAARGH!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:19 > 0:18:23See that?! See that?! See that?!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oh, stop doing that! It's going to...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I told you that would happen!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Uh-oh! Go on, Dick! Get it in!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Oh, no! Have you took your watch off?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43You'll never guess where I've just been!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- SMACK! - Oh!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I haven't got a violent streak!
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Yeah, but you have got quite a big nose.- Pimple.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Stop it, the pair of you!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Ow!!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Look!- What is it? Oh, it's a spider!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Put it down! Don't show it a mirror!
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- It'll be furious! - I can't...professional animal man!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Aargh! Aargh!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Did you go to the dentist? - Of course.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- I can still smell boiled onions. - I don't know why.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- They gave me a really good scrubbing.- Weird that, isn't it?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Very weird.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Oh, that's not a Granny Smythe!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Everywhere. All over the pavement.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Ha-ha-ha! Run away!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- He ran away! - DOM SPITS
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Ha-ha-ha! Did you enjoy that?
0:19:36 > 0:19:37BOTH: Not really.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- What do you think of my staging area?- BOTH: Not a lot.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43In fact, to be honest, Hacker,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45you're making us look silly and immature!
0:19:45 > 0:19:49You're not helping, all right? Get out of it!
0:19:49 > 0:19:50- CRASH! - Ooh!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Time to tell you about
0:19:52 > 0:19:55how we're changing the act, Dick and Dom.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Because now, we are older, wiser, and fatter.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02We're putting behind us the slapstick, mess, and buffoonerism.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05In the past, we would have thought nothing
0:20:05 > 0:20:09of dancing in our pants, getting covered in creamy muck-muck.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Hacker wants us to mess around with these props.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Look, a plank of wood, a frying pan, and a bucket of creamy muck-muck.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Dick would have thought nothing
0:20:18 > 0:20:20of putting the plank on his shoulders,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24and we would have done the, "Oops, I've just missed a plank!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26"Ooh, I'm going to miss it again!"
0:20:26 > 0:20:29But we don't want to do slapstick, because...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31BOTH: It's very silly!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33There wouldn't have been a moment
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I wouldn't have picked up a frying pan
0:20:35 > 0:20:39and whacked Dom in the face with it, over and over.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! - Over and over and over and over...
0:20:43 > 0:20:49..over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
0:20:49 > 0:20:53..and over and over and over and over and over again.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55We don't do that any more! Because...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57BOTH: It's very, very, silly!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00And finally, a bucket of creamy muck-muck.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02On Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05this would have been poured over each others' heads.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07But our manager said,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11"Put the muck-muck down! You've moved forward." Because...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13BOTH: It's very, very, very silly!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16So what's going to happen in the future?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19We're becoming more intellectual and highbrow.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21We're going to write a sitcom called,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Whoops, Mrs Chiselbottom, You Sat On Me Memoirs!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26And remember - THERE'LL BE NO MORE MESS!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29BOING! WHEE!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31SPLAT!
0:21:31 > 0:21:35MUSIC: "Land of Hope and Glory" by Elgar and Benson
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Ah! Ah! Ah!
0:21:48 > 0:21:52PLONK! FEET PATTER
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Look at the state of you two!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Very highbrow! Ha-ha!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Here's some Sherlock Bones!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Ooh, he looks tasty in that!
0:22:02 > 0:22:07This is the town of Teapot, home of one talented detective.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Who writes this?!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Can I interest you in some tea, Sherlock?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14No thank you, Mrs Drinkwater.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18We've had a cupboard full downstairs. Ooh, yes, no, yes!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Well, I'll briefly leave these here,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23in case you change your mind.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Briefly...Briefly...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Briefly...Briefly...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29In case...Brief..ca...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31BRIEFCASE! Sherlock, you're a genius!
0:22:31 > 0:22:36Mrs Drinkwater is trying to tell you that she's lost her briefcase,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39using some sort of detective code!
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Fear not, Mrs Drinkwater! For I will find your missing briefcase!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47< But I haven't got a briefcase!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Precisely, my dear. It's missing!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51CHARGE! Ha-ha!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Oof! Aw...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06CLANG!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14BELL RINGS Ah, my first customer of the day!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I hope it's not that dog who thinks he's a detective.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- Oh.- You all right, cockers?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I'm here to solve the case of the missing case, case.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26CRASH! THUD!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Pah! See if they're in here...
0:23:29 > 0:23:32SMASH! CLATTER!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Pah!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35A lunchbox!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Very suspicious indeed.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Lunch...sandwiches...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43meats...treats...
0:23:43 > 0:23:44SWEETS!
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Mrs Drinkwater's missing briefcase is in the local sweet shop!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51< But I haven't GOT a briefcase!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Precisely! It's missing! Harry, let's go!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Harry? Yeah, you just stay there. Good thinking.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Always the same, isn't he?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Where's the briefcase?!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Oooh! It's a tiny little doggy!
0:24:08 > 0:24:09I am a detective!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13You're so cute, aren't you? With your face?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I am quite cute...where's the briefcase?!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Ooh, little doggy thinks he's a detective!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- You little baby! - Right, that's it! THIEF!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Come on! Officer, arrest this man!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27For I have now reason to believe
0:24:27 > 0:24:30that he has stolen Mrs Drinkwater's briefcase.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32But I haven't GOT a briefcase!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Don't listen to her. Take him away!
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Help! Please!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39This isn't how the law works! It's a joke!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42What kind of universe is this?!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44It's my show!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Get rid.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Oh, what a lovely adventure! More of that nonsense next time!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55What a lovely time we've had, haven't we?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I've not had so much fun since I had athlete's foot.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Oh, I'm glad!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03As a thank you, I've got you two a present.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07You know how you two are known for your bogies?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Yeah, yeah. Of course.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12You want to make sure your noses are clean.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15So I've got you... Hacker Time toothbrushes!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Look at those! They're beauties! Good, aren't they?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Yeah.- Lovely. - Thanks for having us on.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Thanks for coming in, and all that's left for me to say to you is this.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Hit it!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# Go, go, go, away!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# Go, go, go, away!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35# Go, go, go, away!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37# Go, go, go, away! #
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- No seriously. Go away, please.- Oh.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I've exhausted all I wanted to get from this.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- See you! Thanks for... - CLANG!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Oh, be careful! You too.. - CLANG!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Shut the door! It's draughty in here!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Oh, what lovely boys! But I'm glad they've gone
0:25:54 > 0:25:58cos I want to show you my favourite LOLs from around the world.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00It's time for...
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Hacker's Top Three Silly Howlers!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08In at three - quick! Get this man some chips and a wedge of lemon!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11CAMERAMAN LAUGHS
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Ha-ha-ha! He thinks he's an fish!
0:26:15 > 0:26:19At two - have you ever seen fruit driving a car?!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I once saw a kiwi on a skateboard.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28But a banana in a car? That's just silly!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32At one, it's a ping-pong penguin!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Now that is flipping brilliant! Ha-ha-ha!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46That's all from Hacker Time. I could go on, but I'd rather not.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Thanks to Dick and Dom for doing whatever it is they do.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53See you next time...unless the BBC realise I'm not allowed
0:26:53 > 0:26:56within 50 metres of any television studio.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Here's my brilliant end song thing! Good-bye!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:06 > 0:27:09# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# It's been amazing we've been larking around
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# And we've been LOLing at some clips that I found
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Watch again next time cos I've got much more
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Dick and Dom, those cheeky boys
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# Popped in and ran amok
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# They fell about, we had a chat
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# And I got covered in a load of slop
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:45 > 0:27:47CHEERING BOTH: BOGIES!!