Jennie McAlpine

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0:00:02 > 0:00:04# You gotta watch this... #

0:00:04 > 0:00:06FARTING

0:00:06 > 0:00:09# ..You gotta watch this

0:00:09 > 0:00:12# You gotta watch this

0:00:12 > 0:00:15# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Makes me say Oh, my word!

0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Thank you for watching me It's telly

0:00:19 > 0:00:21# But not what you normally see

0:00:21 > 0:00:23# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

0:00:25 > 0:00:27# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Ha! You can't touch

0:00:29 > 0:00:31# Stop! Hacker time! #

0:00:31 > 0:00:32Thank you.

0:00:32 > 0:00:35Good day to you, cockers, one and all.

0:00:35 > 0:00:38We have got loads of drama in store for you

0:00:38 > 0:00:41because today's Hacker Time is all about

0:00:41 > 0:00:44the fascinating art of the soap opera.

0:00:44 > 0:00:48But first of all... Oh, hang on, there's a problem.

0:00:48 > 0:00:50I have lost my script.

0:00:50 > 0:00:52EASTENDERS DUFF-DUFFS PLAY

0:00:52 > 0:00:55Oi, Herman, do you mind? I'm doing my bit now.

0:00:55 > 0:00:56Sorry, Hacker.

0:00:56 > 0:01:00Now, where was I? Oh, yes. I've lost my script!

0:01:00 > 0:01:03CORONATION STREET THEME PLAYS

0:01:03 > 0:01:04Derek, what do you think you are doing?

0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh, sorry, Mr Hacker.

0:01:06 > 0:01:11I'm just getting some practice in before my next cornet lesson.

0:01:11 > 0:01:13Well, do it in your own time, please.

0:01:13 > 0:01:16Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes, I remember now.

0:01:16 > 0:01:17I've lost me script!

0:01:17 > 0:01:20EMMERDALE THEME PLAYS

0:01:22 > 0:01:27And you lot can shut up as well! Oh, I am livid, here!

0:01:27 > 0:01:29But, on the bright side, I've found me script.

0:01:29 > 0:01:34It says it's time for the menu. Derek, do the honours, if you would.

0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Coming up, friendly banter. - That doesn't make sense.

0:01:37 > 0:01:43- You don't make sense.- High-fashion. Plus.- You have front legs?- Yes.

0:01:43 > 0:01:46Then you'd better go and get that seen to, love.

0:01:48 > 0:01:50If I see another musical instrument

0:01:50 > 0:01:52during the course of this programme,

0:01:52 > 0:01:54I will trump in all your packed lunches!

0:01:54 > 0:01:56- FARTING - Oh, hello, yes.

0:01:56 > 0:01:59Now, as I was saying, today's show is all about soap operas

0:01:59 > 0:02:01what are always on the telly,

0:02:01 > 0:02:04so I've got one of the stars of Coronation Street joining us.

0:02:04 > 0:02:10- Except she doesn't know it. Wilf, Herman, get her!- Yes, Mr Hacker.

0:02:10 > 0:02:13I'll fire up the van.

0:02:13 > 0:02:15HACKER LAUGHS

0:02:15 > 0:02:17MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS

0:02:18 > 0:02:20See you, everyone!

0:02:20 > 0:02:23Oh, Rita, I'm going to borrow your new snazzy cardi to go out in,

0:02:23 > 0:02:24is that all right?

0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Oh!- Off you go, Wilf. - What's going on?

0:02:28 > 0:02:32- Off we go.- Hello? Driver?

0:02:32 > 0:02:36Driver? Driver?

0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Does my agent know about this?- Reversing.

0:02:40 > 0:02:43Please welcome, today's special guest, from Coronation Street,

0:02:43 > 0:02:47it's Jennie Mucklepine, who plays Fiz Stape.

0:02:47 > 0:02:50Firstly, it's Jennie McAlpine,

0:02:50 > 0:02:52and secondly what is going on here, Hacker?

0:02:52 > 0:02:56- You are my guest on today's Hacker Time.- What does that entail?

0:02:56 > 0:02:5830 minutes of total and utter nonsense, basically.

0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oh, and what makes you think I will stay for that?

0:03:00 > 0:03:02Well, I have a lovely hotpot.

0:03:02 > 0:03:05You lot on Corrie always seem to be eating hotpot.

0:03:05 > 0:03:07Oh, well, if that is the case. I am all yours.

0:03:07 > 0:03:14- Belting. Bring on the hotpot!- That is not a hotpot.- Yes it is, love.

0:03:14 > 0:03:17She is a pot and she is very hot.

0:03:18 > 0:03:19Now that is sorted,

0:03:19 > 0:03:22it is time to educate the audience on the subject of you.

0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Here is everything you need to know about Jenny Mucklepine.- MCALPINE!

0:03:26 > 0:03:30Bless you. Pull that lever, my old cock-sparrow.

0:03:30 > 0:03:34Jennie McAlpine is a TV woman who has got red hair.

0:03:34 > 0:03:39She has played Fiz in Coronation Street since Victorian times.

0:03:39 > 0:03:45More recently, Fiz was sent to trial for trumping. "Not again!"

0:03:45 > 0:03:48"Sorry, there was beans in the canteen."

0:03:48 > 0:03:51The problem is so bad that the rest of the cast must stand

0:03:51 > 0:03:54at least one car's distance away from her.

0:03:54 > 0:03:56Things have gone from bad to worse of late

0:03:56 > 0:04:00and after getting arrested at a funeral for trumping,

0:04:00 > 0:04:02she ended up in prison where her cellmate

0:04:02 > 0:04:05made hurtful comments about her tabard.

0:04:05 > 0:04:07But her trumping problems just won't stop.

0:04:07 > 0:04:10- FARTING - "Sorry!"

0:04:10 > 0:04:13"Will you just stop it with the beans, Fiz."

0:04:13 > 0:04:16It got so bad, she managed to clear everyone out

0:04:16 > 0:04:18of Hayley Cropper's wedding.

0:04:18 > 0:04:20Look at Hayley! She is furious.

0:04:20 > 0:04:24That is all you need to know about Jenny Mucklepine.

0:04:24 > 0:04:26HACKER LAUGHS

0:04:26 > 0:04:28What did you make of that?

0:04:28 > 0:04:30Well, Hacker, it was factually incorrect.

0:04:30 > 0:04:32- You are factually incorrect. - That does not make sense.

0:04:32 > 0:04:36- You do not make sense.- Right, I will be going now.- You'll be going now.

0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Thank goodness for that. - No, no, don't go. Don't go, Jennie.

0:04:39 > 0:04:45- I have a proper interview prepared for you.- Right, all right.

0:04:45 > 0:04:48I'll stay as long as it is sensible.

0:04:48 > 0:04:53Jennie, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

0:04:53 > 0:04:54LAUGHS MANIACALLY

0:04:58 > 0:05:03- I can hear you, you know. - That's awkward. Oh, all right then.

0:05:03 > 0:05:09Question one. You appear on a programme called Coronation Street.

0:05:09 > 0:05:12- On what road is that programme set? - Coronation Street.

0:05:12 > 0:05:15What a confusing show it is, this.

0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Now, your character is called Fiz Stape.- Yes.

0:05:19 > 0:05:23- But before she got married her name was Fiz Brown.- Yes.- Fiz Brown!

0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Is that a medical complaint? - No. No.- Next question!

0:05:27 > 0:05:30- What is your favourite soap? - Coronation Street.

0:05:30 > 0:05:32Hold on, I have not finished the question.

0:05:32 > 0:05:35It was, what is your favourite soap -

0:05:35 > 0:05:39a lavender-scented bar or one of those antibacterial hand washes?

0:05:39 > 0:05:43- This is not a sensible interview, Hacker.- Why?- It is not sensible.

0:05:43 > 0:05:46Now, Jennie, I am thinking of moving house.

0:05:46 > 0:05:49I have an estate agent brochure down here all about Weatherfield.

0:05:49 > 0:05:52That's where Coronation Street is

0:05:52 > 0:05:54and it says in the last couple of years

0:05:54 > 0:05:56there has been a massive tram crash.

0:05:56 > 0:05:59At least five of the residents have been to prison,

0:05:59 > 0:06:01including you, you naughty woman.

0:06:01 > 0:06:05And, worst of all, you can't ride your bike with all them cobbles.

0:06:05 > 0:06:09- Oh, yes.- What more do you want? - I love Coronation Street, me.

0:06:09 > 0:06:13I was even in an episode once with Roy and Hayley Cropper.

0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Do you remember it?- No, I'm pretty sure that did not happen.

0:06:16 > 0:06:20Well, it truly did happen, cockers. Have a gander at this.

0:06:20 > 0:06:21TELEPHONE RINGS

0:06:21 > 0:06:22Roy Cropper here.

0:06:22 > 0:06:24Hi, Roy, it is your old friend Hacker T Dog here. Guess what?

0:06:24 > 0:06:26I've been working on my allotment

0:06:26 > 0:06:30and I have harvested a very large marrow.

0:06:30 > 0:06:35Oh, really? Well, that is very late in the season.

0:06:35 > 0:06:40Well, I've been treating the soil with goat manure like you told me.

0:06:40 > 0:06:42Even so, it is quite unusual.

0:06:42 > 0:06:45Anyway, I wondered if you fancied coming over.

0:06:45 > 0:06:47I could serve it up with a bit of fried mince

0:06:47 > 0:06:50and a rich tomato and basil sauce.

0:06:50 > 0:06:56- I'm afraid not. I'm sorry. - Not even if I use my best crockery?

0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Perhaps another night. - But, Roy, I'm just so lonely.

0:07:00 > 0:07:02ROY LAUGHS

0:07:02 > 0:07:06- Roy, there is no need to laugh at my misery.- Thank you for calling.

0:07:06 > 0:07:10The cheek of it! I'll phone Norris instead.

0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Oh, I've not got his number. - I'll give you Norris's number.

0:07:13 > 0:07:17- Have you got him on speed dial? - Yes, of course I have.

0:07:17 > 0:07:19Now, Jennie Mucklepine, have you noticed that

0:07:19 > 0:07:22when everything is going well in a soap,

0:07:22 > 0:07:25some bad news comes along and ruins everything in a dramatic fashion?

0:07:25 > 0:07:26Yes, it does.

0:07:26 > 0:07:29- PHONE RINGS - Oh, no. I'll just get this.

0:07:29 > 0:07:35Who could possibly be ringing me now? Everything is going so well.

0:07:35 > 0:07:37Hello. Oh, no! I don't believe it.

0:07:37 > 0:07:40How can this be? Please say it is not so.

0:07:42 > 0:07:49What's that? It is so! No! I can't believe it. Tragic news.

0:07:49 > 0:07:53Oh, right, then. Goodbye. Goodbye.

0:07:54 > 0:07:58Are you all right, what was all that about?

0:07:58 > 0:08:00Oh, I don't know, I couldn't hear him. It was a bad line.

0:08:00 > 0:08:04Something about a wolf or something. Anyway, what is next, Derek?

0:08:04 > 0:08:09I think you will find I am next, ducky. It is Derek Time.

0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh, no, you don't. This is my show, Derek.

0:08:11 > 0:08:14You are not polluting my airwaves with your nonsense.

0:08:14 > 0:08:18Not even if I threaten to show the photograph?

0:08:18 > 0:08:20DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:08:21 > 0:08:23Not the photograph!

0:08:23 > 0:08:25DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:08:25 > 0:08:27Have you seen it and all?

0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yeah! It's all round Coronation Street.

0:08:29 > 0:08:31We have it pinned up in the cabin.

0:08:31 > 0:08:37All right, Derek, you win. Do your show, then shred that photograph.

0:08:37 > 0:08:39Here we go then, me ducks.

0:08:39 > 0:08:40Here's me sting.

0:08:42 > 0:08:44Woo-hoo! It's Derek Time.

0:08:46 > 0:08:47Hello, again.

0:08:47 > 0:08:50On today's show we haven't got time to show you

0:08:50 > 0:08:53the cat that is sick of Derek Time.

0:08:57 > 0:08:59Or the chicken that is sick of Derek Time.

0:08:59 > 0:09:04Come on, Mr Chicken. Wake up! How can you be bored of me?

0:09:04 > 0:09:06I'm dead exciting.

0:09:06 > 0:09:08But we do have time to show you

0:09:08 > 0:09:12one of the greatest video clips of all time.

0:09:12 > 0:09:16It's a frog, on a bench. I wonder what he is doing?

0:09:16 > 0:09:20Maybe he's just waiting for the number 51 bus to Chesterfield?

0:09:20 > 0:09:23Maybe he is basking in the sun on the way to the library

0:09:23 > 0:09:24to return some overdue books?

0:09:24 > 0:09:30Or maybe he is just waiting to be TOAD away. Hoo-Hoo! TOAD, get it?

0:09:30 > 0:09:34Like a frog. It sort of works, it is like a joke, ain't it?

0:09:34 > 0:09:40Oh, I have disgraced myself again. Back to you, Hacker.

0:09:40 > 0:09:43Derek, you have disgraced everyone with that behaviour.

0:09:43 > 0:09:47- Oh, I'm furious. Now, Jennie Mucklepine.- McAlpine!

0:09:47 > 0:09:52I do love Coronation Street. I really, really, do. I love Rita.

0:09:53 > 0:09:56I love Norris "Nozzer" Cole.

0:09:56 > 0:09:59I love Ken Barlow's immaculate side parting.

0:09:59 > 0:10:03- Oh, yes, he has a lovely head of hair.- He has a fabulous mane.

0:10:03 > 0:10:06- But there is one thing I cannot stand.- What?

0:10:06 > 0:10:08It is Hayley Cropper's unsightly red anorak!

0:10:08 > 0:10:11Oh, it is a disgrace!

0:10:11 > 0:10:15I love the woman but her taste in coatwear makes my blood boil!

0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Oh, that is a bit mean, Hacker! - Do you know what, Jennie?

0:10:19 > 0:10:22There is only one way I can communicate my feelings

0:10:22 > 0:10:25on this matter and that is through the medium of song.

0:10:25 > 0:10:27Cue the music, me old Cocker.

0:10:28 > 0:10:33MUSIC PLAYS

0:10:38 > 0:10:42# Up in Greater Manchester There is a woman in a cafe

0:10:42 > 0:10:45# With a cheeky smile and raven hair

0:10:45 > 0:10:47# She is a treat for all to see

0:10:47 > 0:10:51# She goes by the name of Hayley and her husband is a man called Roy

0:10:51 > 0:10:56# They live on a backstreet terrace in a marital state of joy

0:10:56 > 0:11:01# But one thing about this woman that constantly gets my goat

0:11:01 > 0:11:06# Is that wizened piece of fabric allegedly called a coat

0:11:06 > 0:11:11# Anorak, red anorak Threadbare and slightly torn

0:11:11 > 0:11:16# Anorak, red anorak Shabby and very worn

0:11:16 > 0:11:19# Anorak, red anorak Object of all my scorn

0:11:24 > 0:11:28# She has worn that crimson jacket now for more than 14 years

0:11:28 > 0:11:33# But the chequered lining in the hood still reduces me to tears

0:11:33 > 0:11:35# I don't know why she still wears it

0:11:35 > 0:11:40# Maybe she likes the toggles or the zipper and button combo

0:11:40 > 0:11:42# The mind really truly boggles

0:11:42 > 0:11:44# I suppose she thinks that it's trendy

0:11:44 > 0:11:47# I suppose she thinks that it is cool

0:11:47 > 0:11:52# But she will never grace the catwalk in that rancid old cagoule

0:11:52 > 0:11:56# Anorak, red anorak Threadbare and slightly torn

0:11:56 > 0:12:01# Anorak, red anorak Shabby and very worn

0:12:01 > 0:12:06# Anorak, red anorak Object of all my scorn. #

0:12:09 > 0:12:12Jenny, what are you doing wearing that atrocity?!

0:12:12 > 0:12:14What are you thinking of?

0:12:14 > 0:12:17- Sorry, Hacker. I'm just a bit cold. - I am furious!

0:12:17 > 0:12:19You come in here, put the anorak on,

0:12:19 > 0:12:21I sang about my disdain for it and you put it on.

0:12:21 > 0:12:24I'm livid!

0:12:24 > 0:12:28Yet another despicable episode of Hacker Time.

0:12:28 > 0:12:30Benjamin, get a pen and paper.

0:12:30 > 0:12:34- We are writing another letter of complaint.- Do we have to, Frank?

0:12:34 > 0:12:39- Yes, now be quick about it. - OK.- Here we go.

0:12:39 > 0:12:44Dear the BBC, why must you spend a whole episode of Hacker Time

0:12:44 > 0:12:46glorifying soap operas?

0:12:46 > 0:12:49These shows are totally unrealistic.

0:12:49 > 0:12:53Real life is not fall of dramatic revelations like that.

0:12:53 > 0:12:58- Frank, I have a dramatic revelation for you.- Benjamin, what is it?

0:12:58 > 0:13:03- I have forgotten how to write. - Benjamin!

0:13:05 > 0:13:09That's better. I got those fruits off me bonce.

0:13:09 > 0:13:11Hacker, did you just hear something?

0:13:11 > 0:13:14Oh, it's probably my stomach rumbling, Jennie.

0:13:14 > 0:13:17No, it sounded more like cockroaches or something.

0:13:17 > 0:13:20Well, that figures. But my stomach is still rumbling.

0:13:20 > 0:13:23- STOMACH RUMBLES - That means make me a sandwich!

0:13:23 > 0:13:25But I'm the guest!

0:13:25 > 0:13:29Make me a sandwich, post haste! And don't skimp on the meat paste, love.

0:13:29 > 0:13:31You're not doing fiction now!

0:13:31 > 0:13:33While Jennie Mucklepine's doing that,

0:13:33 > 0:13:36why don't you lot take a look at what's coming up?

0:13:36 > 0:13:39Still to come, soap slip-ups...

0:13:39 > 0:13:41STUDIO LAUGHTER

0:13:41 > 0:13:43..brilliant bowling...

0:13:43 > 0:13:45and crime capers.

0:13:45 > 0:13:47Oof! A-a-a-w!

0:13:47 > 0:13:49Don't go away.

0:13:50 > 0:13:53Thanks for the sandwich, Jennie. It's not a bad effort.

0:13:53 > 0:13:56If I was to mark it out of ten I'd give it an F.

0:13:56 > 0:13:58Oh, right. Thank you very much(!)

0:13:58 > 0:14:00Now, Jennie off Coronation Street,

0:14:00 > 0:14:03your character Fiz works in a clothing factory.

0:14:03 > 0:14:05- What sort of garments does she make?- Knickers.

0:14:05 > 0:14:08Ooh, Jennifer! There's no need to be rude.

0:14:08 > 0:14:11I was asking a perfectly reasonable question.

0:14:11 > 0:14:16- No, I'm saying that's what we stitch, knickers!- Oh, I see. Knick-knacks.

0:14:16 > 0:14:18But I tell you what though,

0:14:18 > 0:14:21you wouldn't think Fiz works in the fashion industry, would you?

0:14:21 > 0:14:25I mean, look at the state of this fabric-based travesty.

0:14:25 > 0:14:27KLAXON BLARES

0:14:27 > 0:14:30- What's wrong with that?- I think your character needs some advice

0:14:30 > 0:14:35from the fashion experts. And I know the very people. Stay there!

0:14:35 > 0:14:38And make me another sandwich!

0:14:40 > 0:14:41Here we go!

0:14:57 > 0:14:58Y'all right, everybody?

0:14:58 > 0:15:00ALL: Hello, Hacker!

0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Are you all well?- ALL: Yeah.

0:15:02 > 0:15:07Good. D'you reckon you can help me become a proper stylish celebrity?

0:15:07 > 0:15:10- ALL: Yes.- Very well.

0:15:10 > 0:15:13Set to it and design me some garments, good people.

0:15:18 > 0:15:22- Hello, Ben! What have you drawn? - It's a shirt with extendable arms

0:15:22 > 0:15:24and extendable bottoms.

0:15:24 > 0:15:27You said "Extendable bottoms!"

0:15:27 > 0:15:30Ha-ha-ha! Bottom!

0:15:30 > 0:15:32GIGGLING

0:15:32 > 0:15:33Bottom!

0:15:33 > 0:15:37Ha-ha-ha! Bottom.

0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Ooh, a new outfit for me, what's in it?- A skirt and blue boots.

0:15:41 > 0:15:43Oh, I'd love to wear a skirt and blue boots,

0:15:43 > 0:15:47but, oh, I've not got the legs for it. Ohh!

0:15:47 > 0:15:49Connor, what have you drawn?

0:15:49 > 0:15:53I've drawn...I've drawn the cracker-stacker.

0:15:53 > 0:15:57- That rhymes with Hacker.- It's got a jet-pack at the back.- Aww!

0:15:57 > 0:16:00What an amazing thing! Bottom!

0:16:00 > 0:16:03Right, you lot! Let's hit the catwalk.

0:16:03 > 0:16:07Herman, bring in the box of stuff.

0:16:07 > 0:16:09Here you go, Hacker. Eeh, urgh, who-oa!

0:16:09 > 0:16:12CRASH

0:16:15 > 0:16:18Up now, we've got Alicia here.

0:16:18 > 0:16:22Oh, what are those? Rubber gloves? She certainly will clean up

0:16:22 > 0:16:25when she makes her name big in the fashion world, baby.

0:16:25 > 0:16:27Coming up now is Taneesha.

0:16:27 > 0:16:31Look at her saunter down the catwalk with her fabulous tiara,

0:16:31 > 0:16:34which looks a little bit like it's from, erm...

0:16:34 > 0:16:37free with some cereal or something.

0:16:37 > 0:16:41Up now, we've got Rebecca, who's sporting a lovely chicken hat

0:16:41 > 0:16:43and some undies.

0:16:43 > 0:16:47Oh-oh, they've fallen down. Knickers, please!

0:16:47 > 0:16:49So, what have we learned today?

0:16:49 > 0:16:52Number one, clothes come in a variety

0:16:52 > 0:16:55of different shapes, colours and sizes.

0:16:55 > 0:16:59Number two, clothes are an essential part of everyday life.

0:16:59 > 0:17:03And number three... Ooh, look! I'm not wearing any clothes!

0:17:03 > 0:17:07Ooh, I'm naked. Ooh, me privets are everywhere!

0:17:07 > 0:17:10That's it, I'm out of here. Thanks for all your help, everyone.

0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Bye-bye.- ALL: Bye, Hacker.

0:17:12 > 0:17:15Yeah, now I must get back to the studio.

0:17:15 > 0:17:18They can't be having much fun there without me.

0:17:18 > 0:17:22MUSIC: "Street Life" by Randy Crawford

0:17:27 > 0:17:29Y'all right, cockers? I'm back!

0:17:29 > 0:17:33What in the name of a gibbon's left armpit's going on in here?

0:17:33 > 0:17:36This is my show, stop the music! Stop them lights!

0:17:36 > 0:17:40You're not meant to enjoy yourselves without me.

0:17:40 > 0:17:42Jennifer Mucklepine, come here!

0:17:42 > 0:17:45- I think you should apologise to me.- Sorry.

0:17:45 > 0:17:49- And you costumed characters, apologise!- ALL: Sorry, Hacker.

0:17:49 > 0:17:52That's all right. I still don't understand why we've got a lemon.

0:17:52 > 0:17:54It's a bit weird, that is.

0:17:54 > 0:17:56Now, Jennie, you actors do your best

0:17:56 > 0:17:59- to make soaps look like real life, don't you?- Yeah.

0:17:59 > 0:18:03Well, let's have a look at some people who just can't get it right.

0:18:03 > 0:18:05Run those howlers, Derek!

0:18:07 > 0:18:12'Oh, look. It's the Queen Victoria Public Inn.

0:18:12 > 0:18:13'Oh, don't throw a...

0:18:13 > 0:18:17'Oh, no! It's landed atop Phil Mitchell's bonce-age.

0:18:17 > 0:18:19'Everyone's looking at you, Phil.'

0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Blood pressure's normal. - 'Is it?'- But your temperature's...

0:18:22 > 0:18:25'It's through the roof! Your blood pressure!

0:18:25 > 0:18:28'Jane, no! Don't take his carrier bag.

0:18:28 > 0:18:30'All his hankies are in there, he might need it!'

0:18:30 > 0:18:31HE SNEEZES

0:18:31 > 0:18:35'I told you, look! He had to use his hand! Filthy!

0:18:35 > 0:18:39'Now, you be careful with that ice-cream on a summer's...

0:18:39 > 0:18:43'You've dropped your dairy produce, man! What are you playing at?

0:18:43 > 0:18:47'Ian, no! Oh-oh, old Limpy Beale back on the scene.

0:18:47 > 0:18:49'He's lost his shoe!

0:18:49 > 0:18:50'One-shoe Beale!'

0:18:52 > 0:18:55Ha-ha-ha! What a load of moo-eys, eh, Jennie?

0:18:55 > 0:18:57I bet you never get it wrong like that.

0:18:57 > 0:19:00Oh, no, no. We are very professional at Coronation Street.

0:19:00 > 0:19:02It's a good job you said that,

0:19:02 > 0:19:05for I am going to put your soap acting skills to the test.

0:19:05 > 0:19:08I have written a top-drawer drama series,

0:19:08 > 0:19:11and I want you to play the role of Valerie Toothbrush,

0:19:11 > 0:19:13a down-to-earth cafeteria owner.

0:19:13 > 0:19:15Right, and who are you going to play?

0:19:15 > 0:19:18Most of the other roles, of course, for I am top-drawer

0:19:18 > 0:19:21and a dead good actor. Derek, run the titles!

0:19:21 > 0:19:24JENNIE SIGHS

0:19:29 > 0:19:33Right, here you go! One grapefruit and stilton pasty! Thank you.

0:19:33 > 0:19:35He's a right cheeky monkey, that one.

0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Hello, missus! - Oh, well, look who it is.

0:19:38 > 0:19:42If it isn't Mildred Wrongwhistle, the local battle-axe.

0:19:42 > 0:19:45That's enough of the small-talk, missus. I want summat to eat.

0:19:45 > 0:19:48- OK, what can I get ya? - I'd like a place...

0:19:48 > 0:19:50Ah, well, you are in luck, Mildred,

0:19:50 > 0:19:53because today's special is actually plaice.

0:19:53 > 0:19:57Hang on. I hadn't finished talking. I'd like a place...to sit.

0:19:57 > 0:20:02Oh, right, well, go on. Sit down here, then. OK, what can I get you?

0:20:02 > 0:20:07- I'd like a place...- I've just told you today's special is plaice!

0:20:07 > 0:20:10Not that sort of plaice! I want a place-mat!

0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh, right, here you go then.

0:20:12 > 0:20:15Now chuck that fish away and do as I order!

0:20:17 > 0:20:21- Now, what can I get you to eat? - Plaice, please.

0:20:21 > 0:20:24- I believe it's today's special. - And I've just chucked it away!

0:20:24 > 0:20:27That does it! I'm never eating in this establishment again.

0:20:27 > 0:20:31- Good day, sir!- Good riddance. - Leave that. Don't need it anyway.

0:20:31 > 0:20:34I'll bring your wig after. Wonder who me next customer's going to be?

0:20:34 > 0:20:36Hello, lady!

0:20:36 > 0:20:40Well, hello! If it isn't Alfred Shoulderpad, the local old man.

0:20:40 > 0:20:44Well, if it isn't me, then I'd best be going. Good day.

0:20:44 > 0:20:47See ya. I wonder who me next customer'll be.

0:20:48 > 0:20:51I said, I wonder who me next customer will be!

0:20:51 > 0:20:55- Give us a minute, love, I'm just getting me wig on!- Hurry up!

0:20:55 > 0:20:57Hello, lady.

0:20:57 > 0:21:00Oh, well, if it isn't Judith Twelve-Knuckles,

0:21:00 > 0:21:01the local hairdresser.

0:21:01 > 0:21:04- What will it be? - Do you have frog's legs?

0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Yes.- Then you better go and get that seen to, love.

0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Do you have pig's trotters?- Yes.

0:21:10 > 0:21:12Then you better get that seen to as well!

0:21:12 > 0:21:15Do you have a trout's face, an aardvark's nose

0:21:15 > 0:21:17and a kangaroo's eyeballs?

0:21:17 > 0:21:21- No, I certainly do not!- But that's what I really fancied for my lunch!

0:21:21 > 0:21:24In that case, I am never eating in this cafeteria again!

0:21:24 > 0:21:27Good day, sir! I'm off!

0:21:27 > 0:21:31JENNIE SIGHS I wonder who me next customer'll be.

0:21:31 > 0:21:33Ooh, hello, lady.

0:21:33 > 0:21:39- I realised it was me after all, so I came back.- What would you like?

0:21:39 > 0:21:43A new pair of windscreen wipers and a set of hubcaps, please.

0:21:43 > 0:21:45But we only sell food here.

0:21:45 > 0:21:49In that case, I'm never eating at this car mechanics ever again!

0:21:49 > 0:21:51That's it! Hacker, I've had enough of this!

0:21:51 > 0:21:55I cannot stand here and be the butt of your jokes anymore!

0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Where are you going? - I'm going to sit on the sofa

0:21:58 > 0:22:01and be the butt of your jokes in comfort instead!

0:22:01 > 0:22:06Fair enough. Why don't you lot watch some proper acting instead?

0:22:06 > 0:22:09It's time for the latest instalment of my detective series,

0:22:09 > 0:22:10Sherlock Bones.

0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Run it, Derek! - Right you are, Mr Hacker!

0:22:13 > 0:22:15Hoo-hoo!

0:22:15 > 0:22:18'This is the sinister town of Teapot,

0:22:18 > 0:22:21'where trouble's always on the brew! It's a joke!'

0:22:21 > 0:22:25A-agh! Sherlock, my diamonds have been stolen!

0:22:25 > 0:22:29Since when have you been able to afford diamonds? I barely pay her...

0:22:29 > 0:22:32Sherlock, you've got to find out who stole them.

0:22:32 > 0:22:34Oh, yes! For this is a case for...

0:22:34 > 0:22:36Sherlock Bones!

0:22:52 > 0:22:55I might have a dark and shady past, Mr Bit,

0:22:55 > 0:22:58but I can assure you, that's all behind me now. Got it?

0:22:58 > 0:23:03Good. Right, moving on, what d'you think of my new diamonds?

0:23:03 > 0:23:05Stop, police!

0:23:05 > 0:23:07Oof! Aw-w-w-w!

0:23:08 > 0:23:13Every time! Anyway, I come in here on urgent business.

0:23:13 > 0:23:16Right, well it'll have to wait. I'm serving Mr Bit,

0:23:16 > 0:23:19while telling him about loving diamonds so much it's criminal!

0:23:19 > 0:23:22Anyway, this rash I've got. It's very red and sore,

0:23:22 > 0:23:23it's also quite flaky...

0:23:23 > 0:23:27Mr Bit. Ha-ha! Mr Bit! Woo-hoo! Mr Bit...

0:23:27 > 0:23:29Mr Bit!

0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Sherlock, have you got something to say?- Yes, I have, yes.

0:23:32 > 0:23:34I cannot go a moment longer without saying this.

0:23:34 > 0:23:36Mrs Doo...

0:23:36 > 0:23:39you look divine in all those diamonds.

0:23:39 > 0:23:44But on an unrelated matter, has anyone seen some stolen diamonds?

0:23:44 > 0:23:46MRS DOO LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:23:46 > 0:23:50What an odd question! Who'd steal diamonds? Not me!

0:23:50 > 0:23:54That's all in my past. Oh, look, medicines!

0:23:54 > 0:23:58Sherlock, do you think Mrs Doo might have something to do with this?

0:23:58 > 0:24:01I don't know what Mrs Doo and her insatiable love of diamonds

0:24:01 > 0:24:04- has got to do with this!- Well, she's got a sign on her back that says,

0:24:04 > 0:24:08- "I definitely stole the diamonds." - We've all had signs on our backs.

0:24:08 > 0:24:11Agh-oh! A-agh! B-w-wf!

0:24:11 > 0:24:13Look.

0:24:13 > 0:24:16Sherlock, I'm pretty sure that the thief is right in this room.

0:24:16 > 0:24:20- HE GASPS - YOU stole the diamonds?- No.

0:24:20 > 0:24:22Well, if you didn't steal the diamonds...

0:24:22 > 0:24:25Mrs Doo, did you, DOO, do it?

0:24:25 > 0:24:29- No.- If Mrs Doo didn't do it, then...

0:24:29 > 0:24:31I must have stolen the diamonds!

0:24:31 > 0:24:35I've got to arrest myself! Come on, me! Down the station!

0:24:35 > 0:24:39You'll never take me alive! Yes, I will! You're hurting me arm!

0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Stop being a wimp! - Sherlock, you've got it wrong!

0:24:44 > 0:24:47Ha-ha-ha! What d'you think of that, Jennie?

0:24:47 > 0:24:49Er...yeah, it was good.

0:24:49 > 0:24:51I wouldn't give up your day job.

0:24:51 > 0:24:53Could you get me a part in Corrie?

0:24:53 > 0:24:57I can do lots of funny faces like Steve MacDonald does, look.

0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Oh, yeah.- Or there's this one.

0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Or my favourite that he does. - Oh, yeah, that's uncanny.

0:25:04 > 0:25:06- He does that. What d'you think?- Brilliant.

0:25:06 > 0:25:08We've had a lovely day, haven't we, Jennie?

0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Er, well, YOU have. - Well, one of us had to.

0:25:11 > 0:25:12But quite frankly,

0:25:12 > 0:25:15I'm tiring of your company now, so, you know, get out.

0:25:15 > 0:25:19- What?- You know where the door is. Go on, make a move.

0:25:19 > 0:25:22Don't you want to hear me showbiz anecdotes?

0:25:22 > 0:25:25- I've got loads about Norris Cole, Emily Bishop...- No.

0:25:25 > 0:25:28That's your lot. Off you go now, bye-bye.

0:25:28 > 0:25:32See ya later, Jennie, and take that wretched anorak with you, please!

0:25:32 > 0:25:35- I will.- I'm sick of it! Mind me paintwork. Pull the door!- All right!

0:25:35 > 0:25:39- Pull it, and mind your hair on the way out!- Thanks for having me.

0:25:39 > 0:25:40No worries, love.

0:25:40 > 0:25:44What a lovely woman! I've got all her albums!

0:25:44 > 0:25:46Anyway, now that she's cleared off,

0:25:46 > 0:25:49I'm going to show you some of the best LOLs from around the world.

0:25:49 > 0:25:50It's time for...

0:25:50 > 0:25:54Hacker's Top Three Dramatic Howlers!

0:25:56 > 0:25:58In at three, it's my main man. Disco Owl!

0:25:58 > 0:26:02HACKER HUMS "DISCO INFERNO"

0:26:02 > 0:26:04Look at him dance! Mmm-mmm!

0:26:07 > 0:26:11A lesser comedian would make a joke about him having a right hoot!

0:26:11 > 0:26:12But I'm better than that.

0:26:12 > 0:26:16At Two, I wouldn't want to get a slap from this hand.

0:26:16 > 0:26:19A-a-a-agh! It's Kung-Thumb!

0:26:19 > 0:26:23Ha-ha-ha! It's funny cos it looks cross!

0:26:25 > 0:26:28And finally, you're going to be bowled over

0:26:28 > 0:26:30by our Number One Dramatic Howler.

0:26:30 > 0:26:32Now what's he doing, here?

0:26:32 > 0:26:36Oh look, it looks like... yes, you're right,

0:26:36 > 0:26:38he looks like he's going on strike!

0:26:38 > 0:26:40Ha-ha-ha!

0:26:43 > 0:26:47Apparently, he kept sliding all the way to Dunstable!

0:26:47 > 0:26:51Thanks for watching my little show. It's been proper good, hasn't it?

0:26:51 > 0:26:55At times, I've been frightened by my own hosting talents.

0:26:55 > 0:26:57I'm off now, though, cos I've got a pork loin

0:26:57 > 0:27:00defrosting in my kitchenette, so I'll see you next time.

0:27:00 > 0:27:04All that's left for me to do is sing my well good end song.

0:27:04 > 0:27:07Join in if you know the words! Good day!

0:27:09 > 0:27:11# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:11 > 0:27:14# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go

0:27:14 > 0:27:16# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:16 > 0:27:19# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:19 > 0:27:21# It's been amazing We've been larking around

0:27:21 > 0:27:23# And we've been LOLing at some clips that I've found

0:27:23 > 0:27:26# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

0:27:26 > 0:27:28# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff, it'll be top-drawer

0:27:28 > 0:27:32# The lovely Jennie Mucklepine dropped in to say hello

0:27:32 > 0:27:35# She's got a face and curly hair

0:27:35 > 0:27:38# But I had enough so I told her it was time to go

0:27:38 > 0:27:40# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:40 > 0:27:43# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go

0:27:43 > 0:27:45# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:47 > 0:27:50# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:50 > 0:27:53# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

0:27:53 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd