0:00:02 > 0:00:04# You gotta watch this... #
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Pffft!
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# ..You gotta watch this
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# You gotta watch this!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Makes me say, Oh, my word!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:00:20 > 0:00:21# But not what you normally see
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# It feels good There's out-takes, too
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Comedy, guests and clips it's true
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Ha! You can't touch
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# Stop! Hacker time! #
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37RACQUET STRING TWANGS, CLOCK TICKS
0:00:40 > 0:00:45DANCE MUSIC RHYTHM BUILDS
0:00:45 > 0:00:50MUSIC BUILDS INTO "QUESTION OF SPORT" THEME
0:00:50 > 0:00:52THEY HUM ALONG
0:00:53 > 0:00:57# La la-la-la la la la la-la!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59# Ba ba-ba-ba ba ba bab!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01# La la-la-la...
0:01:01 > 0:01:05# P-P-P-P-Pokerface! Hoo-hoo!
0:01:05 > 0:01:06What's he doing?!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Derek! What are you doing?!
0:01:08 > 0:01:12We're doing the Question of Sport music here - not Lady Gaga!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Not Lady Gaga? Ooh, heck! I must've got the wrong memo.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19You've completely ruined my well planned spontaneous introduction!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Get back to the gallery! Go on!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Hmph!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- PHONE RINGS - Will you answer that, Mr Hacker?
0:01:27 > 0:01:28I will not answer that!
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I'm waiting for a quote on me grouting!
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Grouting?! I'm trying to make a TV show here! Now get out! Go on!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36All right.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Don't go anywhere, viewers! It will get better, I promise.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Coming up today -
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Criminal activity.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- You nicked that! - It's the Wimbledon trophy!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Sporting prowess.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48And probing questions.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- How much do you weigh? - What!?
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Sight tight, folks! Ha-ha!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Today's programme is going to be all about sport.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01So there's only one person qualified to be my guest today.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02She's lovely, she's talented.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06And she's not returned my calls for weeks now.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Herman, Wilf? Go get her!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Yes, Mr Hacker! - I'll fire up the van!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Ha ha ha!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18MUSIC: "Mission Impossible" theme
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- Stay there, love! Off you go, Wilf! - Off we go!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26You can't do this!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Who are you? And where are you taking me?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Please welcome today's special's guest -
0:02:34 > 0:02:38my close personal friend, Syu Barker!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Oh, it's you! I might have known!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Hello, Sue!- Hi, Hacker! - I've missed you!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I missed you too, but what am I doing here?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50I thought you might like to be my special guest today on Hacker Time!
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Ooh, I don't think I've got time. I'm a very busy woman.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I've a lot of sport to present and I've got my dry-cleaning to collect.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Oh, Syu-san! Don't leave me!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I've planned a whole show about sport!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And if you won't do it,
0:03:05 > 0:03:10the only other guest available is Dennis Tennis.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Dennis Tennis?! He doesn't know anything about sport!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16He'll never be a good sports presenter like me.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I mean, imagine what would happen!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20HACKER CHORTLES
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Hello, and welcome to the sport!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Ooh! Me head's gone amiss!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Oh, yeah!
0:03:31 > 0:03:35If it's between Dennis Tennis and me, then I'm in!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Perfect! Sorry Dennis, you're off the show!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Bit strange, that one.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Now, Syu-san. I've prepared some definitely true facts about you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It's Soo-san.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50- Syu-san.- Soo-san. Soo-san.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Syu-san Barker!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I've prepared some definitely true facts about you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Pull that lever! Perfect!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Sue Barker is a lovely woman.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04But don't be fooled, because she spent her early years in court -
0:04:04 > 0:04:07tennis court, of course!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Sue gave her tennis racquets a lot of love and care.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"There, there, go to sleep now, tennis racquet."
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Pffft! "Oh, tennis racquet!"
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Since 1993 she's been a presenter on BBC Sport.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22She wears a variety of outfits. There she is in a white jacket.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24And there she is in a white jacket.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28And there she is in a white jacket again! What you doing, Sue?!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Maybe she just wants to make friends.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33But we know her now for A Question of Sport
0:04:33 > 0:04:36where she never gets within three metres of Phil Tufnell.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Sue's got loads of fans. Even worms want to take her picture!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42And she's my dream woman!
0:04:42 > 0:04:46So that's everything you need to know about Syu-san Barker! Ooh!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Ha-ha! That was good, weren't it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It wasn't all true, you know.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Some of it was. The white jacket bit.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I almost wore it today!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Ha-ha! I wish you had, Sue!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59HACKER LAUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Oh, Sue.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It's so lovely to have you here.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I normally have a right load of old has-beens on.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07But you're a proper woman!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And now I am going to interview you
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- like a real presenter, not unlike Gary Lineker would.- OK!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Question one.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Remember when you stole that big plate from Wimbledon canteen?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Um...
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Yes, you did, love! I have photographic evidence!
0:05:23 > 0:05:29Look at this! You nicked that!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31It's the Wimbledon Ladies' trophy.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34That's what all minor criminals say, Sue.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37The closest I got to it was holding it there.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40And Sue, remember when you had that Question of Sport hat?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Er, no.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Well, I do. And I have evidence! Look at it!
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- SUE LAUGHS - Ha-ha! What do you think?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53SUE LAUGHS
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Terrible!
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Sue, what about the time the Sports Personality of the Year trophy
0:05:59 > 0:06:01said something to offend you?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06You were livid then, weren't you?
0:06:06 > 0:06:07I was seeing red.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Did it vex you, Sue?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Again, that's another trophy I didn't win, so I wasn't happy with it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- There's loads of trophies you've not won.- Exactly!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- Syu?- Yes?- You present sports stuff on the telly.- I do, yes.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I like watching you, but I must admit
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I do find it a bit confusing at times.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- Will you clear up a few things up for me?- I'll try.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Is squash a sport or a drink?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Well, it's both.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Is deuce a tennis score or a drink?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Well, it's both.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Is tee a thing you use in golf or a drink?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43It's both, Hacker!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- It's so confusing, Syu!- It is!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48And it's made me all very thirsty!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Has it?- Now, where was I?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Oh yes. Syu-san Barker,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54remember when I was a guest on Question of Sport?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57You've never been a guest on Question of Sport.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Syu-san! How could you?! It meant so much to me.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Have a look at this video evidence.
0:07:06 > 0:07:12Who, having won the 2008 Olympic Women's 50m and 100m Freestyle
0:07:12 > 0:07:15won the same events a year later at the World Championships?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Hmmm...
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Let me just write that down.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- What are you scribbling? - Take your time, take your time.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Is that a question?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Of sport?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- It is! - Thank you. Yep, thank you very much.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Ah, cheers, cockers!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Hey, what do you think, Syu?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I'm very impressed. Incredible sporting knowledge.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Thank you. I have got the mind of an intellect.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Hang on, what's happening now?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Hello, folks, Derek McGee here,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55taking matters into my own hands again,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57for Derek Time!
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Hoo-hoo! It's Derek Time!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Hee-hee!
0:08:03 > 0:08:04How do, Derek fans?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Today, haven't go time to show you the Wimbledon player
0:08:08 > 0:08:11disqualified for lying about his age.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Or the kitten that forgets he isn't TOM Daley!
0:08:21 > 0:08:25But we have got time to show you today's top clip.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27This kitty's trying to have a little catnap
0:08:27 > 0:08:31but he's not accounted for his lack of a headrest. Hoo-hoo!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34See? He's woken up. He's going to fall off again.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38I hope the same fate doesn't befall him again.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Ooh, what d'you know? It has.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43The only thing that'd make this funnier is if it happened again!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And what do you know? It has!
0:08:47 > 0:08:48DEREK LAUGHS
0:08:48 > 0:08:52What a bizarre cat! That's it for Derek Time.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Tune in next week for more highbrow entertainment. See ya!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Sorry about him, Sue, he's a disgrace. But he's cheap.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Fair enough. That's why Phil Tufnell's still on Question of Sport!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Ha-ha! There's nothing cheap about this bit though, Sue.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Really?- Hit it!
0:09:08 > 0:09:15MUSIC: GRANDSTAND THEME
0:09:19 > 0:09:21# Oh, when I was a puppy
0:09:21 > 0:09:23# I made a discovery
0:09:23 > 0:09:26# Of a woman so lovely I couldn't resist
0:09:26 > 0:09:30# She hosted the sports Offered insightful thoughts
0:09:30 > 0:09:32# At the Wimbledon courts
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# Yes, I was hot!
0:09:34 > 0:09:39# Oh, she's got a strong backhand
0:09:39 > 0:09:43# A legion of loyal fans
0:09:43 > 0:09:46# Always interesting, never bland
0:09:46 > 0:09:51# Oh, you didn't get that with Desmond Lynam!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53# She does A Question of Sport
0:09:53 > 0:09:58# Interviews the winners on Centre Court
0:09:58 > 0:10:01# There is only one Susan Barker
0:10:01 > 0:10:07# A staple of public life since 1973
0:10:07 > 0:10:09# Hee
0:10:09 > 0:10:12# There is only one Susan Barker! #
0:10:12 > 0:10:13What d'you think, Sue?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I love... My favourite tune, and the words were lovely!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Thank you, Syu-san.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- You didn't have to mention 1973. - It was contractual!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26What a ridiculous programme.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Benjamin, we need to write a letter of complaint to the BBC.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33OK, Frank, should I write it down?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Yes. No! No, every time we've done this, you've got it wrong.
0:10:36 > 0:10:42Let's email the complaint instead. Not even YOU can mess that up.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh, yeah, yeah!
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- Now, go and get the keyboard. - The keyboard?- Yes, the keyboard.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50If you say so, Frank!
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Yeah, OK.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Dear The BBC. Please stop screening this disgraceful Hacker Time muck.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01You are sullying the good name of the fragrant Susan Barker.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Benjamin? Benjamin? Benjamin? What are you doing?!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07You did say "get the keyboard", Frank!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Argh! Ben-ja-min!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Hacker, did you hear something?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Was it the sound of my beating heart telling you I love you, Sue?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20No, it was more like rats, or cockroaches.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Yeah, that figures. This place is riddled, Sue.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Anyway, Syu-san. Don't mind me.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I just need to do a little bit of my presenting stuff.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31RAPS: You're watching Hacker Time
0:11:31 > 0:11:35with today's special guest Syu-san Barker, off the sports things!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37She's having a lovely time.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40In fact it's probably the best day of her life.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43THINKS: "What am I doing here?!"
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"Clare Balding's having a fondue party tonight -
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"I could be eating some Emmental whilst chatting to Jake Humphrey
0:11:49 > 0:11:54"about skeleton bobsled instead of having to listen to this rubbish!"
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Hello? Syu!- Yes?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I said you're having a lovely time, aren't you!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I'm having, er, a great time!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05I knew you would! Well, there's more good news, Syu...
0:12:05 > 0:12:06- Is it over?- No!- Oh(!)
0:12:06 > 0:12:10The good news is that there's still loads more to come!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Run the menu, Derek!
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Still to come -
0:12:15 > 0:12:17There's been...an incident.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20More sporting prowess.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23CHEERING
0:12:23 > 0:12:25And more probing questions.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- What was the score?- I don't know. - Seven, it was.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30But first, Hacker's off to meet his fans.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31- 'Ere you.- Here we go!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49You all right, cockers?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51(ALL): Hello, Hacker!
0:12:51 > 0:12:52'Allo, it's me, Hacker.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Do you think you can help me become a major sporting athlete?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Yes!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59You do? Hurray!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Then let the training drill begin!
0:13:03 > 0:13:08Right. You. Jog on the spot. Come on. Faster!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Feel your arteries quivering.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- # Working out is lots of fun - Working out is lots of fun
0:13:13 > 0:13:18- # Unless you fall on your bum - Unless you fall on your bum. #
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Can you do any yoga moves?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Yes.- What's that called?- The tree.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Faster! Faster! Come on, faster!
0:13:28 > 0:13:33I think my tree's got woodworm. Timber!
0:13:33 > 0:13:34CRASH!
0:13:34 > 0:13:38It is now time for the greatest sporting challenge ever.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41This requires great skill and prowess.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45I want you to sort out my stinking laundry!
0:13:45 > 0:13:48There's ten pair of socks in there that need matching up.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Go!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55They're my underpants! My knick-knacks - don't look at them!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Come on. Pair up some socks. Come on. It's a challenge.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It's a time against the clock.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- KLAXON - Time's up. Stop. Time's up.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- How many have you managed to do? - None.- None? Perfect. How about you?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Two.- Two pairs? How about you? - No idea.
0:14:11 > 0:14:17He's no idea, so the Laundry Challenge has proved one thing only.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20That it was a total waste of time. Good day!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23So what have we learned today?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Number one, sport requires great physical strength.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Number two. Laundry is not technically a sport
0:14:31 > 0:14:34and number three, I can do a great dolphin impression.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36SQUEAKS LIKE A DOLPHIN
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Thanks for all your help, cockers!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Bye, Hacker!
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Now back to the studio.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47I bet they're having a miserable time without me!
0:14:48 > 0:14:54MUSIC: "Soul Limbo" by Booker T and the MGs (TEST MATCH THEME)
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It's all right, everyone, I'm back! Ha-ha!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04What do you call this?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Stop the music, please, put the lights on.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I'm not happy about this. Susan!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I've been off doing all that serious stuff
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and you're here, acting the giddy goose
0:15:15 > 0:15:17with a man dressed as a lemon?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19What's happened to you, Syu?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20I'm sorry, Hacker.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24As for you pesky costume characters, you better apologise as well.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27THEY MUMBLE: Sorry, Hacker.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29There's only one thing that's going to make me feel better now, Syu.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And that's looking at a few hilarious LOLs
0:15:32 > 0:15:34from when A Question of Sport went adrift!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37That means you, Syu-san! Run the tape, Derek!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Starting tonight with a picture board...Pf!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Sue Barker, you made a fool of yourself.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Oh no, not Anton, he was in serie 1.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Uh-oh! Spin around, Anton.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Can't see where I'm going...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Spin around!
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Checking, er...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Come on, Sue, quick, quick. Time's money, love.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Someone's speaking to you, Sue. - They're checking.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05She just goes off...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Tufnell? Keep out of this! Don't you mock my Syu!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Tufnell!
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Excuse me!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I tell you what, I'm lucky tonight because I have...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Hang on, which one's Sue?! Which one's Sue?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20..My wildest dreams of seeing two Sue Barkers...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Double Sue!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25End of the buzzer round and it's a win for Matt's team.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30Sue, it's Phil! Phil won. It's a basic science, that!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Ah! Well done, Sue. no one noticed.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Spin around, Anton, that's it!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Elevate her. Oh, don't drop her, mind your espadrilles.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Anton! Oh, no, Syu! Ohh!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- They were good, weren't they, Sue? - They were.- What about that Anton?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Did you see that? He threw me over his shoulder.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Oh, good old Anton. He's crackers, in't he?- He is.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Now then, Sue. You're top notch at hosting A Question of Sport,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- if you don't mind me saying. - Thank you very much!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06But I think I could do it betterer.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Yeah? Well, you've got the hair. - I've got a classic Syu Barker wig
0:17:10 > 0:17:13so I thought I would do a top-drawer quiz
0:17:13 > 0:17:17entitled A Question of Sue!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Welcome to A Question of Sue.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26My name is Hacker T Dog
0:17:26 > 0:17:31and playing tonight, it's everyone's favourite Sue - Sue Barker!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I'm worried about this.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Oh, you should be worried, Sue.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37There are three rounds and plenty of points up for grabs.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41No prize at the end of it, but you can't have everything.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- We've had a budget cut, haven't we? - We have!
0:17:43 > 0:17:48So without further ado, let's start with round one.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50It's the Mystery Guest round!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51DRUM ROLL
0:17:51 > 0:17:56Susan, I'm going to show you a video of a celebrity in disguise.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59All you need to do is guess who it is. Understand?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00I do!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02OK then. Watch this very carefully!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I will.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09MUSIC: "In An English Country Garden"
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Hacker, it's obviously you!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14The clip's not finished yet, Sue.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It's a waste of time. It's obviously you!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Be patient, love!
0:18:23 > 0:18:24So what's your answer?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Erm... Is it Hacker?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Well, let's have a look, shall we?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Who's that gardener?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- It's actually Philip Tufnell!- No!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42That was something I shot in the Blue Peter garden the other day.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Ah!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45He's hairier than I realised!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47So the score stands at 307.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51It's time for the second round - Home or Away.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Would you like a Home question or an Away question?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I'll have a Home question please, Hacker.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Good choice.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Sue Barker.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Do you have laminate flooring or do you prefer a vinyl finish?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I think you've got a bit mixed up.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10No, no, I said,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13do you have laminate flooring or do you prefer a vinyl finish?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18No, but, if it's a Home question, it's about your home sport.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20So you should ask me something about tennis,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22not about my floor.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I don't know a thing about tennis, Sue.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26But that's what this quiz is all about.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I don't know what I'm doing! I'm not all there!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Shall we try an Away question?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35OK, go an Away question.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Sue Barker. How much do you a-weigh?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40What?! You can't ask that!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I said away! In a way.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46In a way?! Away question's supposed to be about
0:19:46 > 0:19:48any sport other than tennis. It's about sport.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50All right, Sue, stop harping on.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- Let's do the last round. This is Sprint Finish!- Can't wait(!)
0:19:56 > 0:19:59OK.. This is about sport and that.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03There are 30 seconds on the clock and I'll ask you some questions.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07All you have to do is say the answers! Understand?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- What could possibly go wrong? - Probably quite a lot.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Start the clock. Name a tennis player.- Roger Federer.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Wrong. Steffi Graf. What are Queen's Park Rangers?- A football team.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20No, people that work in the Queen's royal parks. Come on, Sue!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Where do Manchester United play? - Old Trafford.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- No, wherever the game is that weekend.- Oh!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- What was the score? - I don't know.- Seven, it was.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33- Name the Russian gymnast. - Komova.- No!- Mustafina?- Still wrong.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- How?- What?!- When? Why?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- Time up! What's the score, guys? - Did I get any right?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I've lost count, Hacker!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45And I CAN'T count, Hacker!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Ooh, heck. What a pair of mooeys.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Right, Sue. Next round is What Happens Next?- Yeah.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Go on then. What happens next?
0:20:53 > 0:20:58No, no, you show me a clip, then I have a guess at what happens next.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01What you on about, Sue? I literally don't know what happens next.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I left the last page of my script on the printer.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- I've no idea what happens now! - Hacker!- Oh, Sue!
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- I think maybe you're better at quizzes than I am after all.- Aw!
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Better stick to my day job. Hold on, what IS my day job?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Anyway - I know what you WILL like, Susan -
0:21:17 > 0:21:21it's my top-drawer gritty detective drama, Sherlock Bones.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24And today something happens to a sofa.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Or is it a suite? I don't know.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It'll all become clear, I'm sure. Run it, Derek!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33This is the sinister town of Teapot.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Where trouble's always brewing, like a... Oh, forget it!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40And once the Prince promised never to stroke llamas again
0:21:40 > 0:21:42they all lived happily ever after.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Oh, Nursey! Tell me another story!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- KNOCK AT DOOR - Oooh!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Hello?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Sherlock, there's been an incident!
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Mr Sherbet from the sweet shop's just lost his three-piece suite!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57This is a case for...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Me!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I can only serve you one at a time, but rest assured,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21there are enough nails for everyone.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23ALL CHEER
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It's a bit busy in here today.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29But since the entire town's here, it's important to note that
0:22:29 > 0:22:31there's been...an incident!
0:22:31 > 0:22:32THEY GASP
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Mr Sherbet has had his three-piece suite stolen.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- What flavour was the sweet? - No, his three-piece suite.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Why's he eating pea-flavoured sweets?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I don't know! Probably some sort of sicko, I don't know.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Unless he's lost three peas.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Why would he only eat three peas?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I think what we're talking about here is his sofa and chairs -
0:22:52 > 0:22:54you know, his three-piece suite.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Why's he using swede-free meat as lounge furniture?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Just hang on. I'll be right back.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It's not right!
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Mr Sherbet! Have you lost your three-piece suite,
0:23:06 > 0:23:11Your 3p sweet or your "three peas, sweet!",
0:23:11 > 0:23:13used as an exclamation?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Oh, I did have a sweet that I sold for three pence
0:23:16 > 0:23:19but I found it now, it was behind the four-pence sweet.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Total waste of police time! I'm livid!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27False alarm everyone!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30It was his sweet costing 3p.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31But he's found it now.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33It was behind his 4p sweet.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Four-piece suite?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39How can he afford three armchairs and a sofa in this day and age?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Let's get him!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Ah, go on, then, let's get him. Raaaar!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Hey, good actoring, weren't it, Syu?
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Cor, it was, very good, yeah.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Ah, Susan, we've had a lovely time today, haven't I!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Well, I have, too, it's been fun!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- Sue?- What?- I thought that,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02maybe after the show,
0:24:02 > 0:24:07me and you could go out and get a nice chilled beverage or something?
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- Oh, Hacker! I'd love to...- Really?!
0:24:11 > 0:24:15But not tonight, sorry. I'm...er, busy.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Busy?! OK. Don't worry, Syu.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Maybe another time.- Yes.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- See ya, then!- Is that it?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Yep! Hit the music, Derek!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Off you go, Syu.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31That's all the coverage of Sue Barker we've got time for today.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34But tune in later when John Inverdale will have
0:24:34 > 0:24:37coverage of all today's Sue Barker-based laughs.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40In't she lovely?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Now she's pushed off,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I'll show you some of my favourite sporting LOLs
0:24:45 > 0:24:47from around this glorious world.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52It's time for Hacker's Top Five Sporting Howlers!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56In at five, it's the miracle bowler.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Oh, good, come on.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Oh, Oh! He's gone spare!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, good work, sir.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It'd be a miracle if I managed to hit anything.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I've got arms like an old dishcloth!
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Now, as we know, I'm terrible at football,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14but even I know how to kick a ball.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Right in the famsquodge!
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Get it in the net, son. Come on, it's massive!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Oh!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29HE GRUNTS
0:25:29 > 0:25:30What an embarrassment!
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Come on boys, take some tips from me!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Ooh, 'eck!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Ooh, no!
0:25:37 > 0:25:38In at three.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Whoever said office jobs are boring?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I did, actually, cos they are! Or are they?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51These guys have got far too much time on their hands.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Answer the phone - it could be important!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56You might be entitled to a PPI refund!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58It's all fun and games now.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01But wait till the cleaner catches you lot!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Then you'll be for it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Did you know that not all sports take place on land?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Have a look at these aquatic beauties.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh, look, he's got moist again.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16Stay on the land son, you're not a duck, what you playing at?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Oh, look at you showing off.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Hold on, oh, you'll never get your money back!
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Ha-ha-ha! What a soggy nonsense!
0:26:25 > 0:26:30Today's number one features some mind-blowing basketball tricks.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Look at them go!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33He'll never get that in.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36He'll never get that in. It went in!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39That'll never go in, no chance. It's gone in!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You think that's impressive?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44You should watch me slam-dunk a biccie in me tea!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Anyway, thanks for watching my TV show today.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's been a right good one, ain't it?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I'm off to wait for the many awards to be delivered,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53so I'll see you next time.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56All that's left to do today is for me to sing my well good song.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Join in if you know the words!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# And we've been LOL-ing at some clips that I found
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Watch again next time cos I've got much more
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer!
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# We did sporting stuff today with the lovely Susan Barker
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# She's a charming girl With a handsome face
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# And I do believe she's better than a permanent marker
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:33 > 0:27:34# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!
0:27:41 > 0:27:45# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:45 > 0:27:47P-P-PPoker face, oh!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd