0:00:02 > 0:00:04# You gotta watch this... #
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Pffft!
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# You gotta watch this
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# You gotta watch this
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# But not what you normally see
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# It feels good And there's out-takes, too
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Ha! You can't touch
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# Stop! Hacker time! #
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Hacker Time 2 on air in 15, 14...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39You'll like the opening of the show today.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43It's a cracker. It's going to be the biggest and best one we've done.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I've been baking for weeks and it's cost me a fortune...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49..Four, three, two, one...
0:00:49 > 0:00:54- Oh, no. It's going to go totally wrong, in't it?- Yeah.- Hold it!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Hacker Time.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Making a grand entrance, emerging from a cake,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03please welcome Hacker T Dog!
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Mr Hacker, Mr Hacker, Mr Hacker? Oh, heck, oh!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Mr Hacker! Mr Hacker, hello!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Are you in there, Mr Hacker? Oh!
0:01:16 > 0:01:21If Mr Hacker's not in THIS cake, then which cake is he in?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Hello? Hello! Anyone!
0:01:26 > 0:01:32How did I get in here? Help me, help me! Please help me. Oh!
0:01:32 > 0:01:33CHOMPING
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Oh, bodges... - BURPING
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Derek, do the menu quick! I'll see you on the other side.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Or out the other end. Oh...
0:01:42 > 0:01:46That won't be pleasant. Urgh!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Coming up on Hacker Time today we've got cake eating...
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Cake ruining...- I'm going as fast as I can. It's quite difficult.
0:01:54 > 0:02:00And songs about cakes... # My sweet Pavlova! #
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Don't go anywhere, cake lovers!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Thanks for the lift, sir! Do not worry, fans, I've made it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11And just in time for today's programme. Starring CBBC royalty.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I'll give you a clue. It's not Harry Tongue.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Wilf, Herman, get him!
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- Yes, Mr Hacker. - I'll fire up the van.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32It's Dave here, mate. Off you go, Wilf.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Off we go. - Let me out of here!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Let me out!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Reversing.
0:02:44 > 0:02:50Please welcome today's special guest. It's Ed Petrie. Hacker Time!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Oh, not this.- Oh, yes, this.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I've captured you and forced you onto my show. Surprise!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59You promised if I was in your rubbish dramas,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Sherlock Bones and Downstairs Abbey, you wouldn't do this.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- That was a lie. Surprise! - I'm not having this.
0:03:05 > 0:03:12- Wilf, take me back, please. - Ed. Ed. Wilf... Wilf can't do that.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13What? Why not?
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- Because...he's not with us any more. - Oh, no, what happened to him?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20He popped round the back to t'lavvy.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23The motion of the van makes him feel the need.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Keeping you here will be a struggle with your spindly legs.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30However, I know your sweet tooth is one of your traits,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33so I've laid out an ice-cream spread for you.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Get your noshers round that. - I do like ice-cream.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- I know. - That's gone all over the place.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42That's All Over The Place with me, Ed Petrie, on CBBC.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Oi! You haven't come here to plug your back catalogue of programmes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Sorry. Actually, I will stay. It's amazing you've got your own show.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I'd have said that was Transmission Impossible with me, Ed Petrie.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57It used to be on CBBC. Ask your older siblings.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01No plugging your shows, not even the ones that were on ages ago!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Pull that lever, so we can see a fact file about you that I made.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- This lever?- Yes, that lever.- I pull it and you can see a clip?- Yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Wow, that is an Excellent Invention. Starring me, Ed Petrie, on CBBC.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Stop that right now! You pull that lever or so help me, Petrie,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I'll marry your mum and dad!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Oh, no I've done it myself! Just pull the lever!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Ed Petrie is a CBBC presenter
0:04:23 > 0:04:26who was voted 303rd best presenter on CBBC.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28When he first started at CBBC
0:04:28 > 0:04:31he spent a lot of his time pointing at cacti.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35In the first few years, pointing was all that he did.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Hmm! Halloa-lickle-a-molo.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Which means "Will you stop pointing at me" in Cactinian. What a mooey!
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Ed was first discovered when they dug up an ancient Egyptian tomb.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I don't know who thought to put that face on television. He's hideous!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52For a short time he wanted to be a singer,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56but Simon Cowell said his singing was a total disgrace, so he gave up.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Now he earns his crust by dressing up and looking a total disgrace.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Here he is pretending to be on a safari in a budget way.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06And here he is again. Oh, what's that? Eurgh!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Take us to the next picture quick. Eurgh!
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Phew. Here he is dressing up with clowns and looking a bit weird.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Does he really get paid to do this? And here he is dressing up again...
0:05:17 > 0:05:23Oh, not again! Eurgh! Avert your gaze! Oh, I can't take it any more!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Fortunately, all this horrific dress-up is long in his past
0:05:27 > 0:05:29and he's now become much more sensible.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31CHEERING
0:05:31 > 0:05:33So that's everything you need to know
0:05:33 > 0:05:38about Edward Oliver James Alan Petrie. Oh, yes, Mr Petrie.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40What as mildly interesting life you've led.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42However, none of that matters.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46I am now about to conduct one of my trademark irrelevant interviews.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Question number one. You used to work in the CBBC office.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55Only to be replaced by me. Is that because I am betterer than you?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- Well...- Don't bother answering that. - No...- We know the answer.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I am far superior. Ahem!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Let's talk about your more recent projects.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You present All Over The Place
0:06:07 > 0:06:11for which you have literally been all over the place.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15I wanted to ask this - if Wilf took me out in the van on a Saturday
0:06:15 > 0:06:20and took junction 16 off the M6, where would we end up?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Er... Coventry?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26No, the correct answer was Stoke via Audley.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28What if Wilf took me on a weekend spa break
0:06:28 > 0:06:33and exited at junction four off the M25 heading north,
0:06:33 > 0:06:34where would he be taking me?
0:06:34 > 0:06:39- We try and show children diverse... - No. The correct answer is Bromley.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44On the way home Wilf's taken a terrible wrong turn.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47We're on the M9, I'm livid, the van's fast running out of power
0:06:47 > 0:06:51and Derek is busting for a widdle, so we exit at junction 12,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55but where on earth are we, Petrie? Where are we at that point?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58I don't know! I don't know about motorways. It's boring!
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- We're in Stirling.- Oh, really? I wouldn't have thought that.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It's funny. Let's move on.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07That's not the only great show you've done for CBBC.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Shall we have a little look back at one of your classic moments.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Yes, please.- Good for you. Run the clip, Derek!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- HE TRUMPS - Ha-ha!
0:07:17 > 0:07:22It's not exactly a classic clip. That's me in YOUR drama show.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Hold your horses. This one shows more of your range.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32- HE TRUMPS - Oh, Lord Percy!
0:07:33 > 0:07:38Again, that's me in your show, in Hacker Time series one.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39I can do more than just trump.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43If there's any casting directors watching I can do more than that.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Which is why I've got a nice clip here of you
0:07:46 > 0:07:48doing the other thing you're good at.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I can think of no other way to show you my love.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- I will kiss you!- Huh?!
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I do more than just break wind and kiss dogs, honestly.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- I do more than that. - Oh, yeah? Like what?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Um...
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Come here!- Oh, oh!
0:08:10 > 0:08:11HE TRUMPS
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Edward! What was that for?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Um, sorry, I panicked.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22- Shall we just gloss over this and go to the phones?- Yes, yes.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Then collect your handset
0:08:24 > 0:08:28and raise your antennae for maximum reception!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Do you mean, pick up the phone? - Would you mind?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Who's on line one? - 'Hi, Hacker, it's Marvin here.'
0:08:37 > 0:08:39We need a player for our five-a-side footy team.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44- 'Are you up for it?'- Of course. You can always rely on me, The Wanted.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46How many times?! We are not The Wanted.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50All right, steady on. Don't get your knickers in a twist, One Direction.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53We're not them either. We're the multi-award-winning band, JLS.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57That's all sorted, then. See you soon, the Jonas Brothers.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Right, that does it, Hacker. You're off the team! Marv, hang up.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- You... - LINE GOES DEAD
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Well, I never liked The Saturdays anyway.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Hey, Ed, are you any good at football?- Me?
0:09:07 > 0:09:12I've been known to kick a few down the park with the lads.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13No, I'm not.
0:09:13 > 0:09:19- Hacker, it's time.- Time for what? - Derek Time.- Not this again.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24This again. I've got it all ready and I've unplugged your camera. Hoo!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Run the titles, Derek. Oh, that's me. Hoo-hoo!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Hoo-hoo! It's Derek Time. Hee-hee!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Hello again, McGee fans.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Today on Derek Time we HAVEN'T got time to show you
0:09:37 > 0:09:40what happens to a cat after it eats dog food.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43PANTING LIKE DOG
0:09:43 > 0:09:47But we have got time for today's top clip.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Hey, look, he's hitting it.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53He's doing it again! He's loving that, in't he? Hoo-hoo!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Twang that spring, Mr Dog.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:10:06 > 0:10:11And that concludes this week's Derek Time. Back to you, Hacker. Hoo-hoo!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14After this show's over I'm going to go straight up to that man
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and tell him he's a real waste of...
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Oh, hello. Welcome back.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Thanks, Derek, for that lovely bit of television there.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Definitely not a waste of everyone's time.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27So, then, Ed, dear Ed,
0:10:27 > 0:10:32dear, sweet Ed, dear, sweet, yet slighty whiffy Ed,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Ed Petrie, Ed Petr-ee, the Petri dish.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Get on with it.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40These days you're on a show called Marrying Mum And Dad.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43What's that all about?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It's a show where kids ruin and organise their parents' weddings.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Sounds exciting.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52You know, I've had a few serious relationships in my time.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54There was that thing with Barbara
0:10:54 > 0:10:56and I nearly got married once.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- Really?- Yeah. - You're a dark horse.- Yes, I am.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04It's a tale of longing, romance and a variety of kitchen utensils.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Let me explain this via the medium of song.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Hit it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12MUSIC STARTS
0:11:12 > 0:11:18# Long ago I was a lonely pup with no-one in my life
0:11:18 > 0:11:25# Then I found a box of eggs so I thought bake a wife
0:11:25 > 0:11:32# Step one, separate the egg yolks from the whites
0:11:32 > 0:11:38# Step two, whisk away those lonely days and nights
0:11:38 > 0:11:42# So I whisked and whisked and whisked and whisked
0:11:42 > 0:11:44# And whisked for 20 weeks
0:11:44 > 0:11:48# Despite the unnecessary amount of whisking
0:11:48 > 0:11:52# The egg whites won't still peak
0:11:52 > 0:11:58# Step three, add some sugar to make it really sweet
0:11:58 > 0:12:05# Step four, bake that girl on a low consistent heat
0:12:05 > 0:12:08# A meringue or am I right?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11# She's my bride made of egg white
0:12:11 > 0:12:15# My days of loneliness are over
0:12:15 > 0:12:20# Now I've got my sweet Pavlova
0:12:20 > 0:12:25# Pavlova, oh
0:12:25 > 0:12:28# Pavlova, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:12:28 > 0:12:31# Pavlova! #
0:12:31 > 0:12:35That's beautiful, one of the most romantic stories I've ever heard.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- It is rather, in't it? - What happened?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Did you get married and live happily ever after?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43No, I had nothing in the fridge for tea, so I ate her.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Easy come, easy go, eh, Ed?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Still, every now and then something comes up that reminds me of her.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51HACKER BURPS
0:12:51 > 0:12:52There's one now.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57- That's awful.- No, she was pretty good.- You can't do that.- You can.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Marriage is lifelong commitment, not getting peckish and eating your wife.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Just a little snack.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Argh! That does it. I can't take much more of this, Benjamin.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I need your help to come up with one of our strongly worded letters.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Yeah, no problem, Fred. - OK, here goes, then.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Dear the BBC, I must once again complain
0:13:16 > 0:13:19about this food-based Hacker Time programme.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22If this show was on the menu at a restaurant I would send it back
0:13:22 > 0:13:27and then be sick into my own sense of doom.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Benjamin? Why aren't you writing any of this down?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- Writing what down, Fred?- This!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I asked you to help come up with one of my strongly worded letters.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Uh-oh, I thought you said "strongly worded lettuce."
0:13:40 > 0:13:47- Knickers!- Ooh, that was a strong word.- Oh, Benjamin!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Hacker, can you hear something? - Hear something?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Was it the sound of you getting another CBBC show in the bag?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56No, that sounds like this. Yippee!
0:13:56 > 0:14:01HE CROWS AND SINGS AND MAKES NONSENSE SOUNDS
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Bit weird, that. I think we'd better move on.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08There's still plenty more to happen. The menu, Derek, if you will.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Still to come today, lunch gets ruined...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14..Sherlock's banged to rights...
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Oh, stupid door!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19..and Ed gets right on the dog's wick.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- I've got a drama degree. What have you got?- Fleas!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23But I hardly see how that's relevant.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Stay tuned, flowers.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I tell you what, this high-energy fun is making me really hungry.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32If you're hungry I've got some snacks in my bag.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- What have you got, Edmund? - I've got... Ta-da! A rice cake.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41Covered in a thin layer of low-fat spread. Delicious and nutritious.
0:14:41 > 0:14:47- No, you're all right.- OK. How about... Ta-da! A handful of seeds.
0:14:47 > 0:14:53- Yuck!- OK, let's be naughty. Two handfuls.- Right, that does it!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Your healthy, so-called treats are doing nothing to appease my hunger.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00This food is nothing to be scoffed at. It's part of a balanced diet.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I need a proper meal right now.
0:15:02 > 0:15:08And in know the very people who can provide it. Enjoy your seeds.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Here we go.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Hiya, cockers!
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- ALL: Hi, Hacker. - I need your advice on something.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Could you give me advice on making fine food?- Yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Come on, let me hear it. Go!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- Make them precise.- Anything else? - Always use the right ingredients.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57- And the right amount.- Eat it, eat it.- Get tips from Jamie Oliver.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00All right, all right, be quiet. That's enough of the advice.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Let's see what you're really like in the kitchen.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Right, cockers, here's your task.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07You each have to make a sandwich
0:16:07 > 0:16:11but I have thrown in some obstacles.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Firstly, you're blindfolded,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17secondly, you can only use one hand,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20and thirdly, said hand is tied to that of another person.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Your time starts...now!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24WHISTLE
0:16:24 > 0:16:27CHILDREN SHOUT
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Lots of cream on. Come on.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- BUZZER - Stop! Time's up.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Let's have a look at the mess you've made of my lunch.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Next pair. Go now!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Come on, work as a team.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Get some more bits on there.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Come on. You're letting yourselves down.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- BUZZER - Stop! Quit, that's it. Time's up.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02That is possibly the finest sandwich I've seen in minutes.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Go!
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Look at the muck in here. Get more foodstuffs! Get some foodstuffs!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Oh, what a quality sandwich(!)
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- BUZZER - Stop! Time's up!
0:17:18 > 0:17:23Time's up. Let's have a look at the state of that muck.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Look at the state of these sandwiches.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29They're messy, rancid and disgusting. I love 'em!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Herman, put 'em in a bag. I'll have 'em later.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yes, will do, Hackerness.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Thanks for having me. You've been fantastic. See you, cockers.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Bye, Hacker! - Now, back to the studio I go.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I hope they're not having too much fun there without me.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52MUSIC Whoo-hoo!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56HE CHANTS
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Yoo-hoo! I'm back!
0:18:00 > 0:18:04What's going on here? Stop the music.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09You're not allowed to have fun without me here. I'm furious.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- I think you'd all better apologise to me right now.- ALL: Sorry.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- And you, Petrie. - I'm sorry, Hacker.- I'm livid.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I don't know where these have come from.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23And why have we got a lemon? The lemon doesn't make sense!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26You stand there and think about what you've done.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30In the meantime, let's have a look at some LOLs off the telly.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- Petrie, if you look closely you could be in some of these.- Oh.- Yes.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Run it, Derek!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43'Lovely show, this. Lovely show.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47'What could possibly go wrong? Oh, no, look. Oh, what a hot dish.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49'James Martin might not singe your brows off.'
0:18:52 > 0:18:54We're in the nuclear bunker
0:18:54 > 0:18:57and there's someone trying to sell us mobile phones.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- Where did you get this number? This is decommissioned...- 'Ex-directory.'
0:19:01 > 0:19:03'Let's raise a toast to Pat.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05'I didn't mean that. What are you doing?'
0:19:05 > 0:19:10'Oh, look, who let the dogs out? It wasn't me. I promise.'
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- He's still trying to sell me one. - 'Just hang up, Ed.'
0:19:13 > 0:19:16No-one lives here but thank you for phoning.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- What is your question, Charlotte? - Oh!- Oh!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Oh, that wasn't pleasant.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Oh, dear.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31They were good. What a lot of LOLs.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Right, it's my mum's birthday today
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and I have never purchased her an adequate present.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I've decided to make something nice.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41But I'm having a bit of trouble.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It's the lack of thumbs I've got going on.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46All I need you to do is ice them for me.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49My mother is having an animal-themed party,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51so I've drawn three pictures for you to copy.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- I reckon I can do that, yeah.- Good.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- I should mention, I need to get them over to her in two minutes.- Huh?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- So you've got to get them done quickly.- OK. I'll see what I can do.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04But I can't promise that they won't go All Over The Place.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07There's no time to plug your shows now. First she wants this.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10A simple worm.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Can you manage that?- Yeah. - Well, start now.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- BUZZER - Come on.- There we go.- Come on, Ed.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- OH, oh.- You can do it. Be quick.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Be betterer. Petrie, come on.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23There we go. There's a worm.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- You're dragging this out. Put in detailing.- I know.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28- BUZZER - Let's see.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- That is a mess. - It's clearly a worm.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Get it out of my sight. Swap my cakes over.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38For the next one she wants a zebra.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40But to make it more interesting,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I'm going to make the cake spin round.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Herman, rotate the cake.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Great.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Come on, Ed, start, start!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- BUZZER - Draw the zebra!
0:20:52 > 0:20:57- You're good at this sort of thing. Call that a zebra?- It's good.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- It's low quality. - I haven't got any black icing.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- No stripes? - I'll give it some eyes.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Them are zig-zags. You'll be doing chevrons next.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- I'm doing the grass. - Do the hooves, Ed!
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- I don't know how to do hooves. - Zebras do not have green hooves!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- BUZZER - Stop! Let's see yow you've done.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- That is very poor.- I think that's good under the conditions.
0:21:18 > 0:21:24And the last thing my mum wants doing is this, a po-cock. A peacock.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Go now! - BUZZER
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- As fast as you can. Come on.- It's quite difficult.- Do a better peacock!
0:21:30 > 0:21:35- I'm sorry.- That looks like a tragedy on a plate!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- Oh, no.- Oh, no. - I'm sorry. The bag burst!
0:21:39 > 0:21:44- I can't help it! - Dry-clean only, Ed. Stop the cake!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- BUZZER - Edward, that peacock is a letdown.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49No hooves and covered in muck.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54- It doesn't have hooves. Peacocks don't have hooves.- They should have!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I need to nip of and phone a professional.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00You can stay here and watch Sherlock Bones. It's a good one.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04You're not in it much. Moist towelette, please!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06This is the town of Teapot
0:22:06 > 0:22:10where Sherlock Bones was about to have a bad day.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13'Bad day? I just stubbed my toe on an ottoman!'
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- Oh. Oh... - What's wrong, Sherlock?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20You might want to sit down, Mrs Drinkwater.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22For I have shocking news.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Someone has kidnapped my best friend, Mr Norman Brownceiling.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32He's my favourite teddy bear.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37- Oh, you mean that rufty-tufty, threadbeary mess?- You've seen him?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Probably got thrown out years ago. I doubt you'll see him again.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Mrs D, if there's one thing you should never doubt about me,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47it's my ability to see what others cannot.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Charge!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Oh. Stupid door!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Mr Bit, Mr Bit, have you seen my teddy bear?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15His name is Mr Norman Brownceiling and he's my friend.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- I'm not listening to you. Get out. - See you.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Mr Norman Brownceiling!
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Oh!
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Perhaps it's time to admit I'll never see my teddy again.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35HE SIGHS
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Mr Norman Brownceiling! It's you!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45What are you doing out here? Have you been kidnapped or something?
0:23:45 > 0:23:52No, Sherlock. No-one kidnapped me. I decided to go to the tip.
0:23:52 > 0:23:59- What?- The truth is, I think it's time we both moved on in our lives.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Why, Norman Brownceiling?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- I'm old and wizened. - Oh, yeah. See you, then.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10I was kidding, teddy. You're my best friend, Mr Brownceiling.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15- I've always had a place for you. - That's all I wanted to hear.
0:24:15 > 0:24:21- I love you, Sherlock.- I love you, too. Don't you ever leave me.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- He didn't have a crime to solve. - You what?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37He just lost his bear. It doesn't make sense.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Right. Come here, you!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That is an excellent drama series.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I will not have you coming in and picking holes in it.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46It didn't make sense.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50You're making a fool of yourself and my show and I won't have it!
0:24:50 > 0:24:54My reputation is on the line. You said it would be the next big thing.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58You did a bad job on Downstairs Abbey last year.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I gave you another chance this year and you were worse than last.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- How dare you! I've got a degree in drama. What have you got?- Fleas!
0:25:04 > 0:25:08But I hardly see how it's relevant. I urge you to move on, sir.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Fine.- Fine.- I will.- I won't have it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- So, Hacker, me old mate. - All right, Ed.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- I was so embarrassed about that business with the cakes.- Oh, yeah.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I made you something. You can take this to your mum.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Lovely. To...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Harry, no...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30You've set my friend and popular long-running sidekick
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Harry Tongue into this jelly.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Sorry, we were having a conversation about the fiscal situation in Europe.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- He must have jumped in. - I don't want to hear it.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Get out and take this with you! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Get out. You're all over the place.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- That's All Over the Place with me, Ed Petrie, on CBBC.- Go! Get out!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Mind your head. Mind your Ed...
0:25:53 > 0:25:58What a lovely man but I'm glad he's out of my life. It's now time for...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Hacker's Top Three Food Howlers.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06In at three, these scientists have cracked it.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09They've found a way to combine the two greatest things in the universe.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Bacon shoes. Bacon shoes!
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Two. Whoever said bread couldn't talk?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Talking bread. Eh!
0:26:23 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:32One.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35And for our number-one food-based howler,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38there's a wedding cake, there's a floor. You do the math.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Oh, look, they're carrying it through. Yeah.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Have a little taste, that's fine, but don't eat it all.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Oh, he's dropped it. It's ended in tears. Aw.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Hope you're hungry, floor.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Well, cockers, I think we've all had enough for one day.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I know I have. I'm going to head off.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I've got a barn dance with hotpot supper to attend.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04All that's left now is for me to sing that song like what I do.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07See you soon. G-G-Goodbye.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# I need the lav, love, so I'm going to go
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# I'll see you next time, I wish you bye-bye
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# It's been amazing with me larking around
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# We've been LOL-ing, there's clips I've found
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# Watch again next time cos I've got much more
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:27 > 0:27:32# I was joined by Ed Petrie and his long, thin pony face
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# But I had to chuck that mooey out
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Because he tried to plug his show all over the place
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# I need the lav, love, so I'm going to go
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# I'll see you next time, I miss you, bye-bye
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd