0:00:03 > 0:00:07Hacker Time is filmed in front of a film of a studio audience.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Ho-ho! Morning, everyone.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13It's come to my attention that Hacker Time
0:00:13 > 0:00:15is totally out of touch.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19We need to bring ourselves into the 21st century.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Why, prithee, sir, I know not of what you speak, forsooth.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25See what I mean?!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28We need to embrace the modern world and show our audience
0:00:28 > 0:00:30we can be relevant.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Has anyone got a..."games console"?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36I've got some games plimsolls! FLIES BUZZ
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I've brought them in for squash tonight!
0:00:39 > 0:00:46Good enough! Has anyone got a "smartphone?"
0:00:46 > 0:00:50I have! Don't he look smart in his tuxedo!
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Wow! The things they can do these days.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Finally, has anyone got a tablet?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Yeah, I have.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Why, do you need to put all this down in an e-mail?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05No! All this talk of technology's giving me a splitting headache!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Hohoo! Ow, me head!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Ooh, I could do with one meself. I'm feeling a little ruff!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13EH? Do you get it?! Ruff!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16It's an Elizabethan joke!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Oh, please yourselves!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# You gotta watch this... #
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# You gotta watch this
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# You gotta watch this
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard
0:01:35 > 0:01:38# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# But not what you normally see
0:01:42 > 0:01:43# It feels good And there's out-takes, too
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:45 > 0:01:48# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# Ha! You can't touch
0:01:50 > 0:01:52# Stop! Hacker time! #
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Thank you.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56OK, everyone. On air in ten seconds.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Oooh, Lolly, Hacker's had a brilliant idea.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01he's going to copy what the Friday Download people do!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- That doesn't sound very original! - Well, here's the twist.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07He's going to try and break the record for the most downloads
0:02:07 > 0:02:09attempted in under a minute! Hohoooo!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Ready! What's first?
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Style Download!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14All right then!
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Next?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17TV And Movie Download!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I've watched Hacker Time... It's rubbish! Next?!
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Dance Download!
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Next!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Dance Even Faster Download!
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Next!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Dance Even Faster Than That Download!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Next!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Dance Next To A Shark-Infested Pond Download!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Next!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Drop A Banana Skin Download!
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Next!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Do The Obvious Punch Line Download!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46If I must...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Oooh, me nonsense!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Hohoooo! Download complete!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55That's quite enough of that.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Time to introduce my special guest for today's top drawer
0:02:58 > 0:03:00episode of Hacker Time!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Larry, tell us who it is.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Certainly, Hacker.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Please welcome a cheeky northern Friday Download presenter
0:03:07 > 0:03:11with a fine head of hair and an Irish-sounding name.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13It's...
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Caellach Spellman!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18FANFARE SOUNDS, THEN FADES
0:03:18 > 0:03:21What are you doing here? You're not Cel. You are an impostor!
0:03:21 > 0:03:25No, Hacker. I'm Shannon Flynn from Friday Download and Dani's Castle.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- You know me.- I know who you are, Sharon, yes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29I was expecting Cel.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I wanted him to show me how to backcomb me hair!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, just wait there, I'll sort this.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Derek! Why I...!
0:03:38 > 0:03:43What is SHE doing in my studio? I wanted Cel Spellman.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45He's an unforgettable talent!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47But we had him on the last series.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Did we? I don't remember.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Here, let me show you a few reasons
0:03:52 > 0:03:54why Shannon will make a terrific guest!
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Shannon Flynn is an actress and presenter
0:03:58 > 0:04:00who is never off our TV screens.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03She started out playing Emily James in Waterloo Road
0:04:03 > 0:04:06and these days, she stars as Kaitlin in Dani's Castle.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Those stairs could do with a good sanding!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Shannon is so cool, she's now part of the Friday Download team.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Oh, look! They stand at jaunty angles!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19That's everything you need to know about Shannon Flynn.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21She DOES sound like a terrific guest!
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- Better than Cel? - Who's Cel? Now, I must depart.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28To the studio! Good day, sir.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29That way!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I know! I forgot! Just testing you, Derek.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I'll have to get some style tips off you, Herman.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I love this shirt! It's very snazzy.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Well, you have to be careful what you wear
0:04:40 > 0:04:42when your skin's luminous pink.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45BOTH LAUGH
0:04:45 > 0:04:47That is so funny, Herman.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Oh, Herman, you are stylish, aren't you?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Yes, Mr Hacker.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Herman, you are cool, aren't you?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Yes, Mr Hacker.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Oh, Herman... - Yes, Mr Hacker?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02The toilet's blocked again.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Yes, Mr Hacker.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Hahaha! It's funny cos I blocked it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Now, Shannon, how lovely to have you on the show.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Are you glad to be here?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I'm very happy to be here. Thanks for having me, Hacker.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Well, wait till you see what we've got in store for you.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Larry, do t'honours!
0:05:20 > 0:05:25We've got Friday Down-LOADS of stuff coming up on today's Hacker Time.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Shannon reveals her latest fashion tips.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Big purple hair, pink, spotty bow ties and green glasses.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Find out what all the fuss is about in Cockers' Creek.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oooh, me sheriff's nonsense.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Plus, the latest, most amazing and exciting Download ever.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45It's all too much for this little fella!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Yes, all this and more on Hacker Time!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Looks good, don't it, Shazza? - It does.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55But before all that, there's some serious business to attend to.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58The big interview! Are you ready, cockles?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I'm ready, Hacker.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03OK, time for my first highbrow question.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05What's it like being Cel Spellman?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I'm not Cel Spellman.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Oh, yeah!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I forgot to update my questions, didn't I, cocker?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- You did. - The next serious question is this.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Did you fall off your skateboard on the way here, love?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Your jeans are a right mess.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Yeah! No, I actually bought them this way. Funny, that.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30You've been done, love! You have been done like a kipper!
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- I have!- Now, Shannon Flynn, what is your favourite castle?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Is it Dani's Castle...
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Skipton Castle...
0:06:37 > 0:06:41or Wimbledon commentator, Andrew Castle?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Dani's Castle.- Good choice. You're in that show.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- I am.- It's good PR, cocker.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52I like Andrew Castle. He has a strong forehead and sturdy teeth.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Lovely set of molars, that man,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Next question - who is your favourite Dani?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Is it Dani Harmer...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Danny Pearson from Friday Download...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Or dunny, the Australian term for lavvy?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07You can't make me choose, Hacker!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Yes, I can, it's in the script, love.- I can't pick between.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I love Dani Harmer and Danny Pearson both the same.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18My favourite is dunny, cos that's where I do my Friday download!
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Ha-ha! You know what I mean?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Plops!- Yeah.- Plopping. Dropping.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Nice(!) Tasteless.- Oh, yes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I love Dani's Castle, though.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28In the show, the castle is haunted,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31right, but everyone knows ghosts don't exist in real life.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Ain't that right, Shannon?- You're right, Hacker. They don't exist.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- I mean, that'd just be silly, wouldn't it?- Ridiculous.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Hoo-hoo!
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Ha-ha-ha-ha! Don't worry, Shannon,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- it's only Derek McGee from the gallery.- Ah!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Well done, Dezza! That was much better than in rehearsal!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53What was that that, Hacker?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Hoo-hoo!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Oh! Oh!- Hoo-hoo!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59That was weird, wasn't it? But it did remind me
0:07:59 > 0:08:02of the time I once spent the night in a haunted house...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05WOLVES HOWL
0:08:06 > 0:08:08BEEP
0:08:08 > 0:08:11That's enough of that CD of horror film sound effects!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Now, sleep time!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15HE SNORES
0:08:15 > 0:08:17That was the best night's sleep I've ever had.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20We've got a few questions from our website.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Will you answer some, please? - Of course, Hacker.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25OK, here is an excellent question.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I don't have a degree in whatever you just said, Hacker.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Very interesting. I never knew that about you.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- You learn something new every other day.- You do.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Now, Turquoise Manky Cat asks...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, this is a good question.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Oh, that's a ludicrous question! Who'd ask an actor that?!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52How would SHE know the answer?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55You should be ashamed of yourself, Turquoise Manky Cat.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57And that name's probably made up too!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59How dare you, sir!
0:08:59 > 0:09:03On behalf of turquoise manky cats everywhere, I must protest!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Here's a good question from my own brain.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- You do Style Downloads, don't you? - I do.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- But what's in style this season? - I'll tell you what's in.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Big purple hair, pink spotty bow ties and green glasses.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Oh, I must look a right fool, then.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24These green glasses are red! I'm livid.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Quick, Larry, throw to something else!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Ohh, Nellie! Settle down, y'all,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33cos it's time for another instalment
0:09:33 > 0:09:35of Tales From The Mild West.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40And let me tell you, today's episode is absolute gold!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46# Long ago on the old frontier
0:09:46 > 0:09:49# There lived a man with floppy ears
0:09:49 > 0:09:50# The sheriff of Cockers' Creek
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# Where the mud was fine but the air was bleak
0:09:53 > 0:09:56# Where some were good but some were pests
0:09:56 > 0:10:00# It's what you get when you live in the mild, mild West... #
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yee-ha!
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Oh!
0:10:08 > 0:10:09SPLASH!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Why would a sign like that even exist?!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Well, that's my big shop done.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Sheriff, you're spending a lot of money at the moment.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Are you sure you need all these things?
0:10:20 > 0:10:25Why, Mrs Gold-mine, these are just everyday sheriff essentials.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Eggs, flour, spare sheriff's badges,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33a copy of Cowboy Talk magazine.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Got to practise my cowboy talk, haven't I, cocker?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I didn't mean THOSE things. I mean these!
0:10:40 > 0:10:45- You just ordered 50 bags-for-life to put them in!- So what?
0:10:45 > 0:10:52- So what?! They cost five cents each! - In that case, give me 52!- Oh!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Fiddley-diddly-dee! - THUNK!
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Put it all on my account. I'll pay you another time.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03OK, but I don't know where you're going to get all that money from.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Oh, Mrs Gold-mine, it'll be fine!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It really won't be fine.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I need to find somebody now.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Gold! Gold! There's gold in this here town!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Do you mind, Whiffy Bob?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24I'm trying to figure out where I'll find some money NOW!
0:11:24 > 0:11:25But there's gold, Sheriff!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And whoever finds it, he'll be rich.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Rich beyond their wildest dreams!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Right. I have dreams.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35And sometimes they're wild.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40In that case, I must find the gold before the rush begins!
0:11:40 > 0:11:41CHEERING AND GUNFIRE
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- HE GROANS - Oooh, me sheriff's nonsense.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49Ooh, quicksand. That means I'll be able to get to the gold more quickly.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51BUBBLING
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Told you! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Hard work, this panning for gold.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03What's in your pan, Sheriff?
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Just a steak.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08And to top it all off, I think I've overdone it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- Yah! - CLATTER!
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Ooh, what was that?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Gold! Gold!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17One, two, three, four...
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Exactly 25 bars of solid gold.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24That'll be more than enough to pay off my massive grocery bill.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26TILL RINGS
0:12:26 > 0:12:29And in total, your massive grocery bill
0:12:29 > 0:12:32comes to exactly 24 gold bars.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Oh, knickers!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38That means I've only got one gold bar left.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Yes, Sheriff.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43And you make sure you hold onto that bar.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45You make sure you keep it safe.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49For one day, one day, when you've a family of little sheriffs to feed,
0:12:49 > 0:12:53you're going to need that bar, and when that day comes, Sheriff,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56you make sure you spend it wisely.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58You're right.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Four million bags-for-life, please!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04TILL RINGS
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Actually, make it ten million. And put it on my account, cocker!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10# In the mild, mild West! #
0:13:12 > 0:13:16If that doesn't win me my first BAFTA, I don't know what will.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Now, Shannon, do you ever try to do a download,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23but you can't get enough bandwidth on the guest wi-fi network?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I can't say that's ever happened to me,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27cos I've got my own wi-fi.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Oh, show-off!- Oh, I know.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33It happens to me a lot, cocker. I get it all the time. Look at that!
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Look at that thing. - Oh, no.- We'd better just wait.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41That's a bit embarrassing. A bit unprofessional, actually.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- A little bit. We'd better just wait until it's done.- Yeah.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Ah... Have you seen any good films lately?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50No, not really at the cinema, but I have been at home.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- I've been watching...- I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55because the download is almost...
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Oh, nil! Derek, do something!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I'll run the emergency film, me little owl! Hoo-hoo!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Hoo-hoo! Hey!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Derek Time is here, with a bulldog special!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I know one guy who'll be sitting down to tune in for that -
0:14:15 > 0:14:17me mate Lazy Gerald!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19He's having a little sit down! That's it.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23You take the weight off after a long day of doing nothing, my friend.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26And I've heard there's another bulldog who'll definitely
0:14:26 > 0:14:30be watching Derek Time and not getting bored in any way.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Here he is, look. It's Sleepy Steve.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Wake up, Steve. Steve! That's just rude.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39They're all pretty lazy, really, bulldogs, aren't they?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41They never do anything energetic.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I mean, they never do any extreme sports, for example.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Oh, look at that!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Unbelievable! Hoo-hoo!
0:14:48 > 0:14:53I mean, I've never seen that before. That bulldog's grown human arms!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55PHONE RINGS Oh, that'll be a Derek Time fan.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57How do? Derek McGee.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59No, me mother's not in.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I don't want to tell you how much I could be paying for electricity.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Well, that is very competitive. Speak to you later about it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Yes, I'll speak to you soon. Thank you. Goodbye. Hoo-hoo!
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Now, where was I? Oh, yes, that's all for Derek Time today...
0:15:13 > 0:15:15PHONE RINGS Not again.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18The gas could be cheaper too? Hoo-hoo!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20The tape's finished.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24OK, everyone, on air in three, two, one...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Well, now that our little IT problem's been resolved,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Shannon, can I ask you a question? - Of course you can, Hacker.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Why are you lot on Friday Download obsessed with Fridays?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Cos it's the best day of the week. Beginning of the weekend.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39But there are so many other great days to enjoy.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I lead such a fulfilling life.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44You should hear about some of the stuff I get up to!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47MUSIC STARTS
0:15:47 > 0:15:53# Oh, on a Monday, I do pilates
0:15:53 > 0:15:57# Tuesday, I bake a flan... #
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Oh, what a lovely rise!
0:15:59 > 0:16:04# ..But Wednesday is the day that I look forward to the most
0:16:04 > 0:16:09# Because that's when I receive Meat Paste Weekly through the post
0:16:09 > 0:16:14# Thursday, I visit Mother... #
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Hello, Hacker!
0:16:16 > 0:16:20# ..Friday, I plait my hair
0:16:20 > 0:16:25# Saturday's the day I have to undercoat my fence
0:16:25 > 0:16:31# On Sunday I buy couscous for less than 40 pence
0:16:31 > 0:16:38# That's my week in song! #
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Oh, what a dull life I lead.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44HE SOBS
0:16:44 > 0:16:45It's all right, Hacker.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Larry, tell them what else is coming up!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Prepare to be amazed and astonished
0:16:51 > 0:16:54because here's what else you can look forward to
0:16:54 > 0:16:56on today's Hacker Time!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58What does Shannon really think of the show?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I get the impression that this place is infested with cockroaches.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- How annoying is this? - TAPPING
0:17:04 > 0:17:08And also, we'll be finding out the answer to this question.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Dionne Bromfield - true or false?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12All this still to come on Hacker Time!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Now on Hacker Time, I'm going to do a sharp but informative
0:17:16 > 0:17:20question-and-answer session. I often get asked this question.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Hacker, what ARE you?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Well, actually, it's a very complicated and long-winded...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh, here comes Lolly.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31All right, Wilf, get ready for another humiliating situation
0:17:31 > 0:17:33where she won't go out with you. You just watch.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Hi, Wilf.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Listen, I wondered if you fancied going out for dinner tonight?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41What? Really?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I mean, it's only cos a few other things have fallen through
0:17:44 > 0:17:47and you WOULD be paying, so what do you say?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Well, Lolly, of course the answer is...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Oh, me phone's ringing. Hang on!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Hello?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Hi, is that Wilf. Wilf Breadbin?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Yeah, who's this?
0:17:57 > 0:18:02It's Alesha Dixon. I just wanted to say thank you so much for helping me
0:18:02 > 0:18:04with my flat-pack wardrobe last week.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06No problem, love.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10And as a thank you, I wanted to take you out to dinner.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12If that was a possibility,
0:18:12 > 0:18:17- would you be able to pick me up at 7 o'clock?- I'll fire up the van!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20So, Wilf, what about tonight, then?
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Sorry, Lolly, I'm washing my hair.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26HE CHUCKLES
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I love a man who plays hard to get!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Wilf!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37And now, we proudly present Hacker's Castle!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40THUNDER CRASHES
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Oh, woe is me!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I've spent all my money on this expensive Dani Harmer costume!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Now I've got to sell this disgusting old castle
0:18:49 > 0:18:52to get some cash. But who'd be stupid enough to buy it?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Hiya! I'm interested in buying this castle.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Well, in that case, let me show you round!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Ha-ha-ha! What a MUG!- Thanks. It keeps my milky brews nice and warm.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04What can you tell me about this place?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Well, there's just been one careful owner.- Oh, that's good!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- But 175 careless ones.- Oh.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I'll tell you one more thing, cocker.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- All the fixtures and fittings... - New?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- No, broken.- Oh.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19But there is a beautiful view...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21of a brick wall.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Oh. The brochure said the window was south-facing.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27It is. It faces south of the brick wall.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31I get the impression this place is infested with cockroaches!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Ooh, it most certainly is not.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38It's infested with fleas, lice and turquoise manky cats.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I don't know how they got in.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43OK, well, I guess it's not perfect but I think I'll take it.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47I just need to know one more thing. Is the castle haunted?
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Ha-ha-ha! Of course not!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50PIERCING SCREAM
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- What was that?- That was just my phone. I was getting a text message.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Wait, is that picture looking at me?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Well, you're no oil painting.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Don't flatter yourself, love!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Anyway, are you sure this castle isn't haunted?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Absolutely certain!
0:20:05 > 0:20:06SCREAMING
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Oh, sorry about that. I really should put this phone on silent.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14Anyway, as I was saying, there are absolutely no ghosts here.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18- Then, er, who's that?- Whoooooo!
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I be a ghost! I definitely be a ghost!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Oh, of course, that's Ghostly Bob. I'd forgotten about him.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Right, so you were going to sell me this castle,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- knowing full well that it's haunted? - Yeah. Yeah, you've got me.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37There's no way you're going to pay a million pound for it now, is there?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40No. I'll pay you two million. I love ghosts!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42SCREAMING Was that another text?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45No. It was me. You're standing on me foot!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47CIRCUS MUSIC
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Hoo-hoo... Hoo-hoo!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Does he ever shut up?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Leave Ghost Derek alone, you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I find those noises quite soothing.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Well, all this spooky stuff's is getting on my nerves.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Let's watch something else.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09'So you get your blancmange, put it on the side and watch it wobble.'
0:21:09 > 0:21:11No... Look at him.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13No!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Oh, this is good work!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17TICKING
0:21:17 > 0:21:24TAPPING
0:21:29 > 0:21:32TAPPING GETS INCREASINGLY FASTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Josh!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36# I can't take it any more
0:21:36 > 0:21:39# My ears are so sore from hearing Josh's whining
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# Man, I think he's actually trying to make my life a living hell
0:21:41 > 0:21:45# He knows that I can tell Time to resign, I'm losing my mind
0:21:45 > 0:21:48# Become a farmer and raise a baby llama
0:21:48 > 0:21:50# Or emigrate to Mexico Become a plumberano, no
0:21:50 > 0:21:52# Oi, what's this? Is this about me?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55# I'm not annoying in the slightest We're a family
0:21:55 > 0:21:57# Going on about this Going on about that
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# He may be my brother but I'd rather have a cat
0:22:00 > 0:22:02# Stay strong, Nathe, and please don't go
0:22:02 > 0:22:04# Plus, we sort of need you for this rapping show
0:22:04 > 0:22:06# I don't want to go
0:22:08 > 0:22:11# But I think it's about time I did
0:22:11 > 0:22:17# I'm going to leave this behind I don't want to be a fool
0:22:17 > 0:22:19# And leave school
0:22:19 > 0:22:21# All right!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23# Blah, blah, blah Don't go on about it, then
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# Write your letter Here, have a pen
0:22:25 > 0:22:27# Do they even need me?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31# Need me, me? Me! #
0:22:31 > 0:22:33The song's about me if you didn't quite get it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34# Yeah
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# All right! #
0:22:36 > 0:22:37TEACHER SIGHS
0:22:37 > 0:22:40So, it's decided, then. As of tomorrow,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I no longer teach at Flumsbury High.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46No, Nathan! Wait!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Don't leave tomorrow.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Leave today. - NEEDLE SCRATCHES
0:22:51 > 0:22:54And close the door on your way out, will you?!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58RAPID TAPPING
0:22:58 > 0:23:01SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:23:01 > 0:23:06And now, we've come to the moment that everyone's been waiting for.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08It's the enthralling, the thought-provoking,
0:23:08 > 0:23:12awe-inspiring climax of today's show!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15It's the quiz that we like to call...
0:23:15 > 0:23:19DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Yes, welcome to my quiz, Shannon.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Inside each of these furniture items lies a fun challenge.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29If you do well at them, you might just win a holiday.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30What do you think about that?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I think that sounds really good, thanks.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34(Not when you find out where you're going.)
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Never ye mind. In that case, let's crack on with it,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39because everyone at home is eager to find out...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Right, Shannon, please pick your first storage unit.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49What will it be?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52OK, can I have the big wardrobe, Hacker?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Of course you can have the small side cabinet, cocker.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Wander over to it, like a gazelle. Open it up and peer within.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Hello.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06This challenge is called Who Is It?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Algernon's going to do an impression of a well-known celebrity,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12but who is it?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Hello, I'm Shannon Flynn.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18So, Shannon Flynn, who do you think it was, Shannon Flynn?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I think it was Shannon Flynn.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23No! It was actually Niall from One Direction,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25doing an impression of Shannon Flynn.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30That Niall! He loves doing impressions, doesn't he?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- He does. That was a good impression.- Thank you.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- All right, close the storage unit. Nice and forcefully.- Good day.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Be quiet, Algernon. Righty-ho, Shannon, choose another item.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Can I have the wardrobe this time?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45You sure can.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Leap forth from said wardrobe. It's me old chum, That Bear.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54That bear is now going to do a lovely dance for you and you have to
0:24:54 > 0:24:59guess what he's dancing to. Take it away, That Bear.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08All right, Shannon, what dance is he doing half-heartedly?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Is it Gangnam Style?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15I'm sorry but that was incorrect. This is what he was dancing to.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Take it away, That Bear.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# Did you ever know... #
0:25:20 > 0:25:22You see? Ha-ha! Top notch!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24All right, get back in your cupboard, That Bear.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Go on, hurry up. Close him in, Shannon.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I don't want to see him any more.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Don't trap his nails. He'll scratch me French polishing.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Right, Shannon, now pick your final storage unit.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37OK. Erm...
0:25:37 > 0:25:40please can I have this drawer, Hacker?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Of course you can have the hat box.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Quickfire.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Yes, question one. Complete the name of this series -
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Friday Down what?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50- Load.- Correct.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- What's the name of the character you play in Dani's Castle?- Caitlin.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Correct. On the episode of Friday Download, 26th April, 2013,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00what was the ninth word that Cel said?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04The! What is "app" short for?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- Application.- No, it's short cos it's only got three letters.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- Name a Friday Download presenter. - Cel.- No, the other one. Knock knock?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Who's there?- Nobody. I think this place is haunted.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Dionne Bromfield, true or false? - True!- Wrong! How many ghosts?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Seven! Is the download complete yet?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- Yes.- Is it complete now?- Yes. - Is it complete now?- Complete.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- When will the download be complete?! - Now.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30- It's complete now.- Correct! Time's up! How did she do, Derek?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33She scored several points, Hacker.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Ooh, several points.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39That's the highest score yet, which means you've won an holiday.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Yes, a fortnight travelling on the London Underground!
0:26:42 > 0:26:47- On the Underground?- Oh, yes. - Do I have to go?- I'm afraid you do,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51because my chum Herman is going to take you there himself.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Herman! Get rid of her, please! - Certainly, Mr Hacker.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58- Come on, then.- No! No! I don't want to go!
0:26:58 > 0:27:02That's almost it for today, me old cocksparrers.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06I'm off now to get a quote for some crazy paving and a new patio heater.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10All that's left is for me to do is sing my fantastic end song.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Sing along, cocker!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:19 > 0:27:21# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:36 > 0:27:40# I was joined by Shannon Flynn who's off Friday Download
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# We had a lot of spooky fun
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# When I tried to show her round my spine-chillingly weird abode
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Hoo-hoo-o-o-oo!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd