0:00:02 > 0:00:06Hacker Time is filmed in front of a selection of hungry bishops.
0:00:06 > 0:00:11Hoo-hoo! Morning, everyone! We've had some feedback about the show.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13What's that? Sounds interesting.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Someone's written in to say your interview style is sloppy,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19unjournalistic and unprofessional, Hacker!
0:00:19 > 0:00:22How dare they?! I demand to know who sent that in!
0:00:22 > 0:00:26- It says it's from...Lolly.- Hello!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I'm livid!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31She does have a point, Hacker. You're terrible with guests.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33You never ask them anything sensible.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35So what are you going to do, Derek?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I'm going to enlist the help
0:00:37 > 0:00:39of a respected and professional journalist.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40KNOCK AT DOOR
0:00:40 > 0:00:42You called?
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- I said a RESPECTED and professional journalist.- Sorry, my mistake.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47So who are we going to get?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I'm thinking Breakfast.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Me too. Herman, pass the brown sauce.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56No, Wilf, I'm talking about BBC Breakfast!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00One of the nation's most respected and admired news programmes.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- We need to learn from their informal yet hard-hitting style.- Yeah!
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- I agree, yes!- We won't stop until we're so respected
0:01:08 > 0:01:11that the Prime Minister's banging down the door,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- demanding to be on the show.- Yeah!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I'm going to call the Breakfast studio
0:01:15 > 0:01:19and demand someone comes down here to help us right now!
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Yeah!- Great!- Well done, yes!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Oh, except I can't.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- I've run out of credit. - Good grief.- Oh...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# You gotta watch this
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# You gotta watch this
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# You gotta watch this
0:01:42 > 0:01:46# My, my, my My programme hits you so hard
0:01:46 > 0:01:48# Makes me say, oh, my word!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# Thank you for watching me
0:01:50 > 0:01:52# It's telly But not what you normally see
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# It feels good There's out-takes, too
0:01:54 > 0:01:56# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:56 > 0:01:58# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show
0:01:58 > 0:02:00# Ha! You can't touch
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# Stop! Hacker time! #
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Thank you.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Hello, and welcome to what I'm sure will be a professional
0:02:06 > 0:02:08and smooth-running episode of Hacker Time.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Now, be careful, Mr Hacker. I've just mopped the floor.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- It could be very slippery. - Oh, you're right, Herman.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Thanks for warning me. It's very slippy. Whoa...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I managed to regain my balance.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Thanks for giving me the warning, cocker.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I could have made a right fool of meself then.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28And mind your head.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Wilf's working on a new sign.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Wilf!- This new sign's very slippery! Oh, no!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Thanks for the warning, Herman.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39It's going to be a good day,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43and nothing is going to stop me!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And I was just about to tell you
0:02:45 > 0:02:48to watch out for that box of elaborate women's costumes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Oh, look at the state of me here!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Derek, you really shouldn't leave
0:02:54 > 0:02:58your box of elaborate women's costumes lying about.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Lolly! They're not mine!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Although if no-one claims them,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'm sure I could find them a good home. Hoo-hoo!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Right, let's get on with the show.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Apparently, I'm not very good at doing interviews,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12so today's guest is a professional in the field,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15a personal friend of mine. Give him a nice, big intro, Larry!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Ladies and gentlemen,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20some breaking news for you.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25It's time to welcome today's very special guest! It's...
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Ron from the post office! Hurrah!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Oh, look now. Excuse me, what are you doing here
0:03:32 > 0:03:34and what have you done with Ron?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I'm Susanna. Susanna Reid from BBC Breakfast.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40You asked for an interviewer, a journalist?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Yeah, an interviewer, yeah. Ron from the post office.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44He's the best interviewer I know.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46He's always asking pressing questions
0:03:46 > 0:03:50like, "Do you want more stamps?" "Do you want some string?" or summat.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Were you this cheeky when Bill and Sian came in from BBC Breakfast?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Yes, I probably was.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Just wait there a minute, would you, please?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I bet Ron wouldn't have been this difficult. Derek!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Derek, what have you done with Ron?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I don't know anything about this woman.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Susanna's a proper journalist from BBC Breakfast!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I don't know what those words mean!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Don't you understand anything?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14No!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Just watch this.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Susanna Reid is a journalist best known for presenting BBC Breakfast.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24She's on our screens with all the latest news from 6am in the morning
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and, look, she still manages to smile about it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Although all those early starts are taking their toll.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31She's turning into the sofa!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34She obviously enjoys a laugh because in her spare time,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37she and the newsladies often dress up for Children In Need.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38I've got a costume like that.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41And that's everything worth knowing about Susanna Reid.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Ooh, she sounds good, doesn't she, cockers?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I can't believe we almost booked a bloke from the post office
0:04:46 > 0:04:49instead of her. Righty-ho, leave this to me.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I'm sure I can handle it, cocker.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53It's that way.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Erm, yep, I know it is, yeah. Cheers, McGee.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Yes, it's got a wonderful sheen. - It's so glossy. You're so lucky.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- I'd love to have hair like this. - Hello, Susanna from BBC Breakfast,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- mornings from 6am. You all right? - Hi, Hacker.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Hang on, what are you doing?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I'm just talking to Herman. He's lovely.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13You're lucky to have someone so great to work with.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Herman!- Hmm?- I've got some news for you.- Oh, yeah?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- You stink! Now get out! - Yes, Mr Hacker.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20- So rude!- Bye, Susanna.- Bye, Herman.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Anyway, it's delightful to have you here, Susanna,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26as I was saying earlier, weren't I? Remember when I said that?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28No, you said you didn't know who I was.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Well, is remembering every single detail
0:05:30 > 0:05:33what makes you such a good journalist?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Yes.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Is it? Well, that's good, innit?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Well, now that you're here, cocker, let's make the best of it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Larry, tell us what we've got to look forward to.
0:05:42 > 0:05:48It's going to be as much fun as when you find an egg with two yolks
0:05:48 > 0:05:51because coming up on today's Hacker Time...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Will Hacker's interview technique throw Susanna?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Can you eat apples if they're carved into the shape of sausages?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Who's the mystery patient in Casually?
0:05:58 > 0:06:02And what's up with our hard-hitting journalist?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05All this and more on Hacker Time.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Now, Susanna, I'm going to conduct my interview
0:06:07 > 0:06:10and it'll soon be obvious that I'm just as good as you are.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Are you ready?- Yes, I'm ready.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Question one.- Yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Please may I have a drink?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You're asking me to get you a drink?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Yeah, I'm parched. Come on, love, I'm spitting feathers here.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You can't ask your guests to get you a drink.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- That's not a reasonable question. - All right, all right,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32but I will be putting question one down as a fail. Sorry about that.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Next serious question. A-hem.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- You present BBC Breakfast with Bill Turnbull...- Yes.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40If you had a bull and it was facing the wrong way,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43could Bill turn that bull?
0:06:43 > 0:06:48Ha! Turn the bull! Ha-ha-ha! Ha...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51You also present the show with Charlie Stayt...
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I do, sometimes, yes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56He's a right "Stayt!" Ha! Get it?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59The man is a mess. Do you like it?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Well, yes, I mean, yes, I do like it,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05but I'm afraid that Charlie has probably heard that joke
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- every day of his life.- Oh. - He wouldn't like that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Still quite funny.- Yeah.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- And as for Louise...- Yes?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I'm not even going to Minchin her!
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Ha-ha-ha! Her name is Minchin. That's the joke!
0:07:20 > 0:07:25But you haven't made a joke about my name being Reid and I read the news.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Don't get it. Anyway, let's crack on.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30You were voted the best Breakfast presenter of all time
0:07:30 > 0:07:34but did you know that I once won an award for presenting breakfast?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38This is the best presented breakfast
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I have ever seen. Have an award.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44It's in the shape of a face!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49And that was the best time of my life.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Next question -
0:07:50 > 0:07:53do you set loads of alarms to make sure you get up in time?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54No, just the one.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I rely on just one alarm and it hasn't let me down yet, touch wood.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I do set loads of alarms. You can never be too careful, cocker.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- That's what these are all for. - Look at them!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07All my fantastic alarms to make sure I never oversleep.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- ALARM RINGS - Oh, hang on.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Right, now, what you do next is...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14ALARM BEEPS
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Oh, another alarm's going off. That one. Right, what happens...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- ALARM SOUNDS - Oh, no. Another one. Stop that.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- And then what happens, you see... - MORE ALARMS RING
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Stop it!- Stop it!- They're all going.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27This might help.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29KLAXON HOOTS
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Again! The big one! The big one's going off!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oi! What are you doing?
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- I find your use of the mallet quite alarming.- So do I.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- Now, you present Breakfast with Charlie, don't you?- Sometimes, yes.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Is it fair to say sometimes he gets right on your wick?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50No! I've never wanted to use this on him.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Well, do you remember the time that you were wronged by him?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Behold the evidence!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I went to see a 3D film recently
0:08:58 > 0:09:01in which someone I was with took the glasses off quite early on
0:09:01 > 0:09:04and said it made no difference whatsoever.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06That was me, when we went to see...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- OK. I went to see... - Someone?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- I can't believe that. - We went to see a film recently...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Yes? A screening of The Green Lantern, in fact.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Midway through, I turn to you,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18because obviously it was you who was with me at the film,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and you didn't have your glasses on.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22That was about three days ago! Have you seriously forgotten
0:09:22 > 0:09:25we went to the cinema together three days ago?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I wouldn't take it too personally, cocker.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30He's always getting people's names mixed up. Look!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I do like this film. I'm having a really nice time.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Do you really mean that?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- I do, Derek, yes.- It's Lolly!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40You're always getting my name wrong, aren't you?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I'm livid! And I'm covered popcorn.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43He got your name wrong. Hoo-hoo!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46What do you think of that, cocker?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50He can't be trusted to go to the cinema with anyone, can he?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Honestly!- He's got a memory like a sieve, hasn't he?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56He really has. The "Stayt" of that man!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58That's been my very professional interview, that.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01But I'm bored now, so shall we watch some telly that I've made?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Oh, go on, then. - Larry! Do the honours!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Time now for a new show that's becoming infectious
0:10:07 > 0:10:10because it's about a hospital!
0:10:10 > 0:10:14It's Casually! And today, everyone is having privacy issues.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17SIREN WAILS
0:10:17 > 0:10:19This is Nilbymouth Hospital.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23In this week's episode, tears...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25CAT CRIES
0:10:25 > 0:10:27..trauma...
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Nurse! He's got me swab!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32..and shocking test results.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I got a G in geography.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38GLASS SHATTERS
0:10:38 > 0:10:40This is Casually.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59From the moment a patient steps through the doors
0:10:59 > 0:11:00of Nilbymouth Hospital,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03respecting their privacy is incredibly important.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Hello. I'm Mr Collins.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I need to see a doctor about my, erm...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10HE WHISPERS
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What was that? I can't hear you. What was that, mate?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Well, it's my, erm...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16HE WHISPERS
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. There's nothing to worry about.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21I'll get a doctor for you.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23TANNOY RINGS
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Doctor! I've got a man here
0:11:25 > 0:11:29with Clucks Like A Chicken When Embarrassed Syndrome.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34I can feel it coming on. Buck-buck-buckaw!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Buck buck...
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Patients often come in with embarrassing medical conditions.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44This gentleman didn't want to be identified.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I see. Well, the antibiotics should treat the worst of it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Within a few weeks, it will hardly be noticeable.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53You all right, Derek McGee, me old cocker of 107 Wigan Close?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Has your wobbly bum disorder cleared up yet?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Hoo-hoo! That's enough.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Stop filming! Oh.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06One of the hardest jobs for doctors is delivering upsetting news.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It needs to be done with utmost sincerity.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Spotty toes, bad breath,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14bad attitude, face like a walrus, impromptu fainting syndrome.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Thank you, and goodnight.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19I am sick of this place.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Nothing's private here.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24You all right, cocker?
0:12:24 > 0:12:29Scab! How dare you invade my personal space in this way!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Although, whilst you're there,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35would you get me some toilet roll? Be discreet about it.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I'll very discreetly text Wilf now. All right.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Text, text, text.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Righty-ho, I'll do that.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44TANNOY RINGS
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Can a cleaner go to cubicle three of the men's toilets?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Dr Side-Parting's made a terrible mess
0:12:50 > 0:12:53and needs toilet roll urgently!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Toilet paper... Ha-ha!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57ALARM WHOOPS
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"P.S. It's gone everywhere."
0:12:59 > 0:13:01It hasn't gone anywhere!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Stop that now. I demand you stop texting! Give me that phone!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06The shame is making him angry!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Oh, it's a literal and metaphorical mess in here!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Give me that handset this instant!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Next week, a horrific accident
0:13:13 > 0:13:15that no-one anticipated
0:13:15 > 0:13:17happens within the hospital walls.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20That's for earlier.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Oh! Who was ev...
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Only on Casually.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33I threw that together in seconds, cocker. Doesn't show, does it?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35It... It... It was very good.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Very good.- Oh, thanks, cocker. Right, Susanna, I read somewhere
0:13:39 > 0:13:41that you are a pescetarian. What does that mean?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45It means I eat everything fish but not meat.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47What about cereal? Can you eat cereal?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Uh, as long as there's no meat in it, yes.- Can you eat apples?
0:13:52 > 0:13:57They don't contain meat either, so yes, I think I can eat apples.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Can you eat apples if they're carved into the shape of sausages?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03What's Hacker doing?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06He's stuck in pescetarian mode! He just can't get his head round it!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Can you have fish and chips
0:14:08 > 0:14:11if the chips are made of fish and the fish is made of chips?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13There's only one thing for it, Lolly.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15It's time for the emergency film!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17..like a kumquat?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Hoo-hoo! Eh?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Hello, me little owls!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And welcome to Derek Time. Today's show is a bath special.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32First, new designer bath has walls lined with grease...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34There's not much water in there, is there?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Get out! It's not hot enough.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Scientists try new elephant-sized plughole.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Doesn't really work, does it?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Back to the drawing board, Mr Scientist. Hoo-hoo!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48And cockatoo practises new Riverdance.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Hey, he's quite good, isn't he?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52I could do a bit of that.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54But now the grand finale.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Ladies and gentlemen, be amazed, be in awe, gaze upon the fantastic...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Derek! I've got me dressing gown caught in the mincer!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Oh, Mother, I'm never going to make a proper video
0:15:05 > 0:15:09with you bothering me all the time. See you, me little owls. Mother!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Quick, the tape's finished, Lolly.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13OK, everyone. On air in three,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- two, one...- As I was saying, Susanna, that Derek is a...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Oh, look, we're back!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Yes, now, Susanna, there's something I've been thinking
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and a news professional such as yourself
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- might be able to help me out here. - Right...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28What is the FTSE index?
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Has it got anything to do with my toes? Cos I think it must have.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35No, it's not anything to do with people's feet. It's a list
0:15:35 > 0:15:39of the 100 biggest companies on the London Stock Exchange.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I don't get it! You see, Susanna, let me explain something to you
0:15:42 > 0:15:46about my relationship with the concept of news.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48CAN-CAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# When it comes to the news Everyone has different views
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# I find it a right old 'mare Politics leaves me scared
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# Newsround is there for me It tells me things informally
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# But it still leaves me in doubt Ricky, what you on about?!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# I don't get news I've got a tiny weeny brain
0:16:01 > 0:16:04# I don't get news To me it's all the sa-a-ame
0:16:04 > 0:16:07# I don't get news The papers are for wrapping chips
0:16:07 > 0:16:10# I don't get why it's on everyone's lips
0:16:11 > 0:16:14# Climate change, something about Europe, I don't know where that is
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# I don't even care
0:16:16 > 0:16:20# Presidents meeting with prime ministers, talking foreign policy
0:16:20 > 0:16:21# Rambling on and on and on and on
0:16:21 > 0:16:24# Some news stories bore me A cat in Penge stuck up a tree
0:16:24 > 0:16:27# People gasp in shock at that, I want to cry, "It's just a cat!"
0:16:27 > 0:16:29# Bulletins on my TV explain it all more clearly
0:16:29 > 0:16:32# Still I cannot hide the fact that at the end of all that
0:16:32 > 0:16:35# I don't understand the new-ews Maybe I'm not all there
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# It's a real burden that I have to bear
0:16:37 > 0:16:40# I don't understand the news It's not that I am lazy
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# I'm not all there!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# Susanna, what is news?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47# What is news?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51# News! #
0:16:51 > 0:16:54So you see my predicament, Susanna?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Oh, Hacker, shall I explain some of the basics to you?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Would you mind? Yeah.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01OK, so shall we start with the FTSE 100 share index?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04It's an index... HACKER SNORES
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Oh, dear. He's fallen asleep. Larry, do the menu!
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Still to come on today's Hacker Time...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Has Wilf found the key to Lolly's heart?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I've got two tickets to see The Wanted if you're interested.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Something's afoot in the Phlegmsbury dinner queue.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Don't even think about it, Josh!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23And Hacker finally asks a tough question.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27List all the past and present UN Secretary-Generals in height order.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31All still to come on Hacker Time.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I'm sure you're all very eager to know how
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I got a third series of this tat.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Well, let me tell you just a few secrets of my success. First...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Right, be cool, Wilf. Be cool, mate, you'll be fine.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Oh, look! Here she comes now.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47- Coming through!- Lolly! Lolly!
0:17:47 > 0:17:52- What?- Before you go, I just wanted to, er, tell you something, yeah.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I've got two tickets to see The Wanted if you're interested.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00The Wanted? That's amazing!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- So you're up for it, then? - You bet I am!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I'll take Derek. He loves The Wanted!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Oh, thanks, Wilf!
0:18:10 > 0:18:15Guess I'll just spend the evening putting them shelves up, then.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28Welcome to the Hacker Time Breakfast. Today's headlines...
0:18:28 > 0:18:33David Cameron reveals how many people like his new tie.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35One! Do you get it? One!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39And finally, David Beckham holds a microphone in one hand
0:18:39 > 0:18:42while he has his other hand behind his back.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Yeah! He's holding a microphone,
0:18:44 > 0:18:48right, and he's got his other hand behind his back! It's funny!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50No, that is what's happening in the picture.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- It's actually what he's doing. - Oh, yeah!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57It's now time for some breaking news.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Hello! Anyone for tea?
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Herman, you fool! Quick, Susanna,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- you're going to have to fill... - No problem. I can do this.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Stay with us because coming up... - No, no, what are you doing?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You're going to have to fill that dustpan.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12There's bits of broken china everywhere.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It's gone adrift, cocker! Get it moved, quick!
0:19:15 > 0:19:1820 years as a journalist and this is what I have to do.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Quick as you can, Susanna. We've got a guest coming in any minute!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23The guest has arrived early!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Finally, we can get serious. Who's the guest?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I don't know, I've no idea.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29You can't interview someone if you don't know who they are!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Never mind, it happens to me all the time, love.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Just introduce them and be professional about it, please!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Right.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Now, we are going to interview...
0:19:38 > 0:19:39- Baa!- ..someone, about...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Baa!- ..something.- Baa!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44No, thank YOU for coming in.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Hacker, how am I meant to interview a sheep?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Go on, give it a try. He'll probably make more sense than Billy Turnbull.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Fine.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56What do you think about the fiscal situation in Europe?
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Baa!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Wow! Eh? did you get that? Ain't he interesting?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Hacker, this is nonsense!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Thanks for coming in. Goodbye.- Baa.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Derek, if you can hear me,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10could you send in someone into the studio we could actually interview?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13No problem, Susanna. I've saved the best for last.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Just read the cue cards.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Welcome back to Breakfast,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19and we've just got time
0:20:19 > 0:20:20to interview one more guest.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23It's...actor...Edward Plank?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Well, hello, darlings!
0:20:27 > 0:20:28It's a plank.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I know. Just go with it. You'll like this. It's worth it.
0:20:32 > 0:20:38So, Edward, you have just been voted worst actor of all time.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Yes, you see, they said my performances were...
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- wooden!- Ha-ha!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- Hoo-hoo! Wooden!- Ha-ha-ha!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I've had enough of this nonsense, Hacker.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I thought this was going to be a serious programme.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- I'm off to talk to my journalist friends.- Ha-ha-ha! Ha...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00And that was the news.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Hoo-hoo! Look, Lolly, it's all gone awry!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Shall we see what else is on? - But I want to find out
0:21:08 > 0:21:11if Edward Plank's planning on going back into show business.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- He should be a stand-up comedian. - Oh, forget about him.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Oh, what's that, then?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19No.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Oh, Billy Bird.- Oh!
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Don't even think about it, Josh. Wait your turn.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33I can't wait any longer.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35STOMACH RUMBLES
0:21:35 > 0:21:39And neither can he. I need to get to the front of the queue and quick.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Don't do it, Josh. Don't jump that queue.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Listen to me. Not your belly.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# I see you looking peckish but take your time
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# Cos that's no reason to push in line
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# Cos it's really rude to get your food
0:21:56 > 0:21:58# Before anybody else who's in front of you
0:21:58 > 0:22:01# But I can't think straight and the two things I hate
0:22:01 > 0:22:03# Are not eating and being made to wait
0:22:03 > 0:22:06# Now, I've seen shepherd's pie and it caught my eye
0:22:06 > 0:22:08# And no-one can stop me, not even if they try
0:22:08 > 0:22:11# No, Josh, wait, those guys will throw a wobbler
0:22:11 > 0:22:13# You're going to feel guilty while eating your peach cobbler
0:22:13 > 0:22:15# Listen to your mate and listen when I say
0:22:15 > 0:22:18# Don't jump the dinner queue
0:22:18 > 0:22:20# You don't understand, shepherd's pie is in demand
0:22:20 > 0:22:23# And if it runs out, lunch hasn't gone as planned
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# Listen to my rhyme, it's about time
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- # I jump the dinner queue. #- No!
0:22:31 > 0:22:36Ha-ha! I'll have the shepherds pie, please, with extra mince.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- Sorry, love. We've none left.- Oh...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42BELL RINGS
0:22:42 > 0:22:46And now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for,
0:22:46 > 0:22:50the thrilling climax of today's show, the stupendous,
0:22:50 > 0:22:55the amazing, the magnificent quiz we like to call...
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Welcome to my quiz, Susanna.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Behind these fantastic storage units are a series of fun challenges.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10If you do well, you might just win a holiday, cocker!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Right, let's crack on, cos everyone at home is eager to learn...
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Right, let's get on with this.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24It's time to pick your first storage unit, me old Breakfast cocker.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I'll have the cake tin.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Good choice. The side cabinet it is. Reach over, Susanna,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- and open up the side cabinet with the vigour of a stoat.- Here goes.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- Hello.- This challenge is called Who Is It?
0:23:42 > 0:23:43That's my old mate Algernon in there
0:23:43 > 0:23:46and he's going to do an impression of a well-known celebrity.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50But who is at? Take it away, Algernon.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I'm Justin Bieber.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Oh! Who was it, Susanna?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Was it Bill Turnbull?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58No! It was actually Niall from One Direction
0:23:58 > 0:24:01doing an impression of Justin Bieber. Unlucky, Susanna.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04But there's still everything to play for.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Close up that cupboard before Algernon dries out.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14Time to pick your next storage unit, cocker. Which will it be?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Well, I think it should be the wardrobe.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Good choice. Come on out, Accordion George.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23# It's Accordion George
0:24:23 > 0:24:25# It's Accordion George
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# It's Accordion George
0:24:28 > 0:24:29# Acky G! #
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Yes, it's my old chum Acky G. Give him a wave, Susanna.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- Hello.- Give her a wave, Acky G.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Right, Susanna, as a little treat,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42my old chum Acky G is going to play a fantastic song on his accordion
0:24:42 > 0:24:46and you have got to guess what it is. Take it away, Acky G!
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Now, Susanna, what was Acky G playing on his A? Accordion, I mean.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Was it Happy Birthday?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06No, I'm afraid it wasn't, cocker.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11It was JLS, Everybody In Love. Let's hear it played proper.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13MUSIC: Everybody in Love by JLS
0:25:13 > 0:25:17# Everybody in love go put your hands up
0:25:17 > 0:25:19# Everybody in love go put your hands up
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# If you're in love put your hands up... #
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Thank you, that's enough. If we play any more, we have to pay them.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Right, Susanna, give Acky G a nice wave
0:25:28 > 0:25:30as he goes back into his cupboard now.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33He's got a small plate of mince to be cracking on with.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36See you later, Acky G. Time to pick your next storage unit.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Um, what have I got the choice of, Hacker?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Any item, any item you want, cocker.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- What about the hatbox?- Hatbox it is!
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Quickfire, darling.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Let's go. What time does the six o'clock news start?
0:25:50 > 0:25:51- Six o'clock?- Correct.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56List all the past and present UN Secretary-Generals in height order.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57No.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59What's the capital of Peru?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00- Lima.- P.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02What is a headline?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Something you get when you frown. Knock knock.- Who's there?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09I'm don't know but send them away, Derek, I'm doing the quiz, cocker.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Name an anagram of "news".
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Ewns!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14What's news?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16An anagram of "ewns"!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Is this news? Yi-yi-yi-yi!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- To someone!- What's your favourite?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Name a thing. Which colour? When? Why? How?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- How do we get away with this? - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:26:27 > 0:26:29That's it! Your time's up, cocker!
0:26:29 > 0:26:30How did she do, Derek?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33She scored twelventy, Hacker!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- You scored twelventy overall!- Ooh!
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Which means you're on a once-in- a-lifetime trip to the fantastic...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42sewage plant! What do you think of that, Sew-sanna?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44That stinks, Hacker!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- It sure does.- I thought it was going to be a proper holiday.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Not on this show, love. Herman, get her out of here, please.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- No!- Yes, Mr Hacker. Come on, you.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Take her to the sewage! - Come on, this way.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Hacker, I'd like to say thank you, it's been real.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00There she goes, look. Thank you for watching my little show today.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02I think you'll find it was tolerable in some ways.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06I'm off now to the cinema with my old chum Charlie Stayt.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I hope he remembers my name, cocker.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11All that's left for me to do now is sing my fantastic song.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14You must know the words by now. Join in!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer!
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# Susanna Reid popped in today and taught me about the news
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# She's a top-notch journalist
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# So it's a shame I'm so bad at conducting interviews
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Goodbye, luvvie-darlings!