0:00:03 > 0:00:07Hacker Time is filmed in front of a middle-aged woman from Stoke.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Righty-ho, we need a theme for this week's show.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Something relevant to our audience. Any ideas?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17- How about internet speak?- No.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- Sport?- No.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- Meats?- No.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Fine, but I'm keeping the costume.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Er...erm...
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Oh, Herman, yes! Do you have an idea?
0:00:28 > 0:00:32No. I just really need to go to the toilet!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34OK, let's have a thought shower.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38We'll all write down the first word that comes into our heads
0:00:38 > 0:00:41and whatever we come up with, we do!
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Go!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47All right, what have we got?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Ho-ho! It's decided.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58We bat meats at Derek!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Uh-oh.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01THE OTHERS LAUGH
0:01:03 > 0:01:06No, no! Stop it! Oh, no! Oh! Oh, no!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Somebody run the titles!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14# You've got to watch this
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# You've got to watch this
0:01:19 > 0:01:22# You've got to watch this
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# My, my, my, my
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Programme hits you so hard
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# Makes me say, oh my word
0:01:28 > 0:01:29# Thank you for watching me
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# It's telly, but not what you normally see
0:01:31 > 0:01:33# It feels good, there's out-takes too
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:35 > 0:01:36# So sit back, don't move too much
0:01:36 > 0:01:39# This is the show you can't touch
0:01:39 > 0:01:40# Stop! Hacker Time. #
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Thank you.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Derek, have you noticed that
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Hacker's been acting like a spoilt brat lately?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52No, Lolly, I've not noticed anything. Hoo-hoo!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Now, Hacker, are you ready to do the show?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57No! Don't want to!!
0:01:57 > 0:02:02- But, Hacker, everyone's waiting for you!- Don't care!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Hacker, you have to do the show!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I didn't ask to be born!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Leave this to me, Derek. I'll sort him out!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14You all smell, and I don't like you!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Now, now, now, now, Hacker, there's no need to be like this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- HACKER SNORTS - We'd like you to do the show.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- HACKER SNORTS - Fine. If you won't do it, I will.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Lolly Time,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29with me, Lolly...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Get out! This is my show!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Lolly Time!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Lolly Time? Who'd watch that?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39LOLLY COUGHS
0:02:39 > 0:02:41What was that, Derek?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Nothing!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Now, I'm very excited about today's guest.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- Larry, tell us who it is. - Sure thing, Hacker.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Well, we're joined by a comedian
0:02:52 > 0:02:57with the squeakiest voice in Great Britain. It's...
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Joe Pasquale!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- Hacker.- Hold on.- Hello, mate, how are you? Shake hands.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Something's not right here... - What's the matter?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- You are Joe Pasquale!- That's right.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You just said Joe Pasquale, so Joe Pasquale is here.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Yes, good evening, everybody.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17It's weird. The guest is never the person I think it's going to be...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19No, you just said Joe Pasquale...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Just wait there, calmly.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Derek! What's going on?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25What's that all about?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Derek, what have you done?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I've actually booked the right guest!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32But I was expecting someone I wasn't expecting!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35I haven't done any research on him at all!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Never fear, me little owl. This should clear everything up.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Joe Pasquale is one of Britain's best-known comedians.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44He's been crowned King of the Jungle in
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. - Hey, look at them!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Sam and Mark look different, don't they?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53And he makes loads of appearances in pantomimes and game shows.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Look, he's multitasking, there! Bless him!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Joe's such a national treasure, he's even been
0:03:57 > 0:03:59valued by antiques experts.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03And that's everything you need to know about Joe Pasquale.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06That man is everything I want to be and more!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10To the studio!
0:04:10 > 0:04:11It's that way!
0:04:11 > 0:04:16I knew that, yeah. I was just being daft, like me mate, Joe Pasquale.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22And then, Joe, the llama said, "That's not a chocolate cake!"
0:04:23 > 0:04:25It's not a chocolate cake!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28That's not a chocolate cake! Brilliant!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30THEY LAUGH
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Hello, Mr Hacker.- Herman! I've got a joke for you.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Oh, go on, then, Mr Hacker!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41What did the TV star say to the work experience boy?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I dunno. What's he say?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45He said, "Get out! This is my show!"
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Well, go on, then.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- See you later, Joe.- Don't... - I'm sorry about him!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Yeah, that's right, get out, you luminous-pink monstrosity!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Joe, how lovely to have you on the programme.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- How are you feeling?- I'm a bit upset. I can't believe he's gone.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- Joe?- What?- Why are you talking like that?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07IN MENACING VOICE: I always talk like that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- All right, then.- Yeah?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Larry, tell us what's coming up!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Did you hear the one about the show themed around comedy?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Well, guess what? You're watching it!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Coming up - Hacker gets to know Joe a little better...
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Hello!- Hello!- Hello!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29..Dr Side-Parting has a confession to make...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31My trousers smell of cold soup.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33..and look out for a special edition of Mastermind.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Am I allowed to speak before you do? - No, but you may cough.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38JOE COUGHS
0:05:38 > 0:05:41All this and more on Hacker Time!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44What a feast of entertainment. Don't you think so, Joe?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Yep, definitely. You don't get this any more, do you?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It's now time for the big interview.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Are you ready for some nice, pleasant, heart-warming
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- celebrity chitchat?- Yep.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55- Question one...- Yes.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Why have you got such a silly voice?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Listen, you may think it's silly. I've had it for 52 years, right?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I can't do nothing about it - it's just a natural range for me.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It's unusual to have people with high voices on TV these days.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Hoo-hoo!
0:06:08 > 0:06:09What's that annoying noise?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11No idea, probably an owl or something.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Yeah, probably an owl or something.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Moving on, Joe Pasquale. You are a comedian, aren't you?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Yes, I am a comedian. Well, that's what I try to be, yes.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- What is your favourite joke? - You want me to tell it to you?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Yeah, I'd love it, yeah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26The famous actress Whoopi Goldberg is now going to marry the French actor
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Gerard Depardieu, and now she's going to be called Whoopi Doopi-Doo.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Ha-ha! It's a classic! Whoopi Doopi-Doo! Ha! Ha!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Oh, it was a good one, that, Joe Pasquale.- It's the best, isn't it?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Well, Joe, you did pretty well on Celebrity Mastermind,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- didn't you?- I did, as it happens, yeah.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- Let's take a look at the evidence. - OK.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Joe Pasquale, I shall now ask you a series of questions
0:06:54 > 0:06:57on your specialist subject - nonsense.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Am I allowed to speak before you do? - No, but you may cough.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02JOE COUGHS
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Lovely.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08If a girl uses girl forks, what does a guy use?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Guy Fawkes.- Correct!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13What do you say if you don't know the answer to a question?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- Oh, don't know.- Correct!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18What's a different way of pronouncing the word "there"?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Er... Oh... Thor.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Correct. I would have also accepted "thar".
0:07:23 > 0:07:24What do you say when...
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- BEEPING - ..I've started so I'll finish.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31What do you say to a man called Henry who is
0:07:31 > 0:07:35delivering your online shopping but isn't quite sure how to proceed?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- Carry on, Henry.- No! You'd say, "Leave it in the porch."
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Well done, Joe. At the end of that round, you scored a million points.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Yes! APPLAUSE
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Yes, that's brilliant. I like that.- You like it?
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- I like it a lot, yeah.- That took me a couple of minutes to knock together.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52It was great.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Now, Joe Pasquale?- Yes?- You did Dancing On Ice recently, didn't you?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Oh, yeah. Did you see it?- Yeah, I did, yes.- I was good, wasn't I?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- What were that like?- What I found is I've got proper muscles.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06I didn't have a bum before, and I've got muscles in my bottom now.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Oh! It looks like a quiche! - Like a quiche?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- Of course, I've done Dancing On Ice myself, you know?- Really?- Oh, yes.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- But when I danced on the ice, it went terribly wrong!- Oh?
0:08:17 > 0:08:23Oh, I don't believe this. He's missed a step.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Yes, I was dancing on ice...
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Cream! It was a weak and slightly laboured pun.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You had a problem with your foot
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- while you were doing the show? - Yeah. I've got a huge bunion.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- It looks like a conker on the side of my big toe.- Oh!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Well, I heard that your bunion's called Barry,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- and he became quite the celebrity himself?- He is, yes.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44He shuns the limelight a little bit, he doesn't like to be seen in public.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46The whole internet was talking about him.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49So how does it feel knowing your bunion's more popular than you are?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- No, I don't know about that, Hacker, no.- Excuse me, excuse me.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- May I have your autograph, please? - Hello, Wilf, of course you can.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Give us your pen, and I'll sign it for you.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02No, no, I wasn't talking to you, mate. I was talking to your bunion.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Wilf Breadbin, please stop bothering the celebrity guests!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Barry the Bunion does not have time for this!- Bye, Barry.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Larry, take over while I sort this out, will you?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Barry, I'm so sorry about this.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16The doctor is ready to see you now,
0:09:16 > 0:09:20because it's time for another sickening episode of Casually.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24And, today, the junior doctors are being put to the test.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30This is Nilbymouth Hospital.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33In this week's episode, tears...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36HE WAILS
0:09:36 > 0:09:37..trauma...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Nurse! He's got my swab!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42..and trousers that smell of cold soup.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Oh, no! My trousers smell of cold soup!
0:09:47 > 0:09:48This is Casually.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55SIREN WAILS
0:10:06 > 0:10:10It's 7am, and Dr Scab is already hard at work.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Come on! Don't give up on me! Just a few more, come on!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I said, don't give up on me!
0:10:20 > 0:10:21There we are, perfect.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Just in time for this weekend's trip to the swimming baths.
0:10:24 > 0:10:30Scab, this is a professional hospital! Get rid of that.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34PARP!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39And now let the air out of this rubber ring.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Whilst the junior doctors are tested every day by the cases
0:10:42 > 0:10:44that come through the doors,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47they're still expected to pass vigorous medical exams.
0:10:47 > 0:10:53Now, concentrate. Head, shoulders, knees and then toes. All right?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56So that's head, shoulders, knees and toes.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59# And eyes, and ears, and mouth and nose
0:10:59 > 0:11:02# Heads and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes! #
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Meanwhile, the usually conscientious Dr Pox is forced to miss
0:11:08 > 0:11:11her practical exam as she's busy with a patient.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15And that is my quick three-hour-long speech about what a great
0:11:15 > 0:11:16doctor I am.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Doctor, I don't suppose I could have my bed back now, please,
0:11:20 > 0:11:21could I, please?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23HE BELCHES
0:11:23 > 0:11:25CRASH!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Later on, it's time for Dr Scab
0:11:29 > 0:11:31to complete his written exam.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"Please turn over."
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Well, that was easy! Finished!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Three hours later, the test results are in.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It's not good news, I'm afraid.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50You've got eggy trouser sound syndrome.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52HE GASPS
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Oh, hang on.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Sorry, I was reading someone else's test results. Oh, yes. Here we are.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You've failed the exam.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02But you do also have eggy trouser sound syndrome.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Oh!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Next week, Dr Scab struggles to hide his condition...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10PARP!
0:12:10 > 0:12:15- Was that you?- Er, no, no. It was you.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17..only on Casually.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Oh, I enjoyed that!- Yep.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24In a way.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Now, Joe, seeing as you're here,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- shall we have a contest to see who's got the highest voice?- Oh, yeah.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I like the sound of that. You go first, then?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- All right, then. - HIGH-PITCHED:- Hello!
0:12:34 > 0:12:35HIGH-PITCHED: Hello!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- HIGHPITCHED:- Hello! - HIGH-PITCHED: Hello!
0:12:37 > 0:12:42- HIGH-PITCHED:- Hello-o-o-o-o!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Oh, no! Hacker's high-pitched squealing
0:12:47 > 0:12:50is breaking all the machinery!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54There's only one thing for it. We'll have to play the emergency film.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Yeah, but, Derek...- I'm going to play it, Lolly!
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Hoo-hoo! Hey-hey!
0:13:04 > 0:13:08This is a specially recorded programme by me, Derek McGee.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Hoo-hoo!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It's a nonsense special.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14First up, child barrier lives up to its name.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Don't go through there. You can't go through there.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Don't... Oh, what a stupid child!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Motherly love goes a long way.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Oh, look, she's bonding with her babies.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Oh, look! Pigs can fly! Hoo-hoo!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33It's time for a truly great Derek Time moment.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Nothing can stop me now. It's...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39< Derek, your tea's ready! We're having crab sticks!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Don't let them go cold, Mother! Hoo-hoo!
0:13:42 > 0:13:48- Quick, it's the end of the tape.- OK, everyone. On air in three, two...
0:13:48 > 0:13:53- And...- Ha-ha, I think that means I win!- Yeah, you definitely win.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Now, while we're talking about my dulcet tones,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- would you like to hear a little song that I've written?- A song?
0:13:58 > 0:14:04- And, guess what, Joe Pasquale?- What? - It's all about you. Cue the music.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08MUSIC: Instrumental Version of "That's Amore"
0:14:08 > 0:14:13# Who's the mischievous bloke who's quite good with a joke?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# That's Pasquale
0:14:15 > 0:14:17# That's Pasquale
0:14:17 > 0:14:19# Who is charming and nice?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# Who can dance on the ice?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24# That's Pasquale
0:14:24 > 0:14:27# That's Pasquale
0:14:27 > 0:14:29# He's a right cheeky little tyke
0:14:29 > 0:14:34# When he stars in pantomimes like Cinderella
0:14:34 > 0:14:36# Cinderella
0:14:36 > 0:14:41# If you want to be served songs that get on your nerves
0:14:41 > 0:14:43# He's your fella. #
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Oh, yes, hoo-hoo, he's your fellow, ain't he?- Oh, yes.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47I think he's dreamy.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# ..Although now that I look
0:14:50 > 0:14:55# I wish Derek had booked Sonali... #
0:14:55 > 0:14:57She is very good, I do like Sonali.
0:14:57 > 0:15:04# ..But he hasn't so now I am stuck with this man Joe Pasquale
0:15:04 > 0:15:06# Joe Pasquale
0:15:06 > 0:15:09# That's Pasquale
0:15:09 > 0:15:12# Joseph Pas-quail! #
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- Thoughts?- Yeah, very good.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17I got slightly insulted towards the end, though. I liked the beginning
0:15:17 > 0:15:19but it went downhill very quickly towards the end.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Oh, I wouldn't have had this trouble with Sonali.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25No, but you wouldn't have got the egg and bacon bottom. Mmm.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Oh, it is impressive, Joe. Larry! Tell us what's coming up.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Still to come on today's Hacker Time -
0:15:31 > 0:15:33is Hacker T Dog any good at acting?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Oh, yes, I am!- Oh, no, he's not!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Oh, yes, I am!- All right.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Are cabbages really good for your health?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42And who is this?
0:15:42 > 0:15:47- You get it? - Find out later on Hacker Time!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Now on Hacker Time, forget about the celebrity guest for a moment,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52because I'm about to recite a serious
0:15:52 > 0:15:54and heart-warming poem I've written.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59It's a beautiful poem, and it's all about a lovely pigeon called Jemima.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02He's a funny bloke, that Joe Pasquale, ain't he, Lolly?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I wish I could find a man who could make me laugh.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Really? Ho-ho! Well, listen to this joke.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12A man walks into a DIY store and says, "Have you got any nails?"
0:16:12 > 0:16:16And the shopkeeper says, "Yes. Five on each hand!"
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LOLLY LAUGHS
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Oh, that's so funny.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Oh, Wilf, that's the most hilarious thing
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I think that I have ever heard.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Oh, wow! Does that mean you want to go on a date?
0:16:27 > 0:16:28- Yeah.- Oh!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31With that shopkeeper!
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Oh, he sounds a right laugh.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Have you got his number? Oh, text it to me, be a love!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Yeah, I'll, er, I'll text it to you, Lolly, yeah.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I've not got your number. Lolly, I've not...
0:16:45 > 0:16:46I'll fire up the van.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52And now, Hacker Time proudly presents a serious
0:16:52 > 0:16:56and thought-provoking play, The Harrowing Onion.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Four days I have been alone in this room.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Four days with nothing for company but this solitary onion.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Oh, I long for a person to talk to.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Hello, boys and girls! Look, it's me, Buttons! Ha-ha-ha!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Hold on, what's going on now?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- I thought we was doing the panto, weren't we?- No!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26This is my big dramatic play. I'm doing some serious acting.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Oh, no, you're not!- Oh, yes, I am!
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Oh, no, he's not! - Oh, yes, I am!- All right.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35What are you doing? Now get out of here, please!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38OK, now Buttons has to go, boys and girls, but don't forget,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41whenever you see the evil Abanazar,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44don't forget to boo and hiss. Boo, hiss!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Get out, will ya, please! - All right, I'm going.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Now, there he goes. Now, what was I doing?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Oh, where's the onion gone now?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55It's behind you! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Get out.- Yeah, all right.- Go on.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01OK, but don't forget to boo and hiss when you see the evil Abanazar.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03You said that bit.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- I know, but I needed to reiterate it, didn't I?- Your hat's on jaunty.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- Get out.- OK.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13Oh, onion, my best friend yet my worst enemy.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15How I wish I could eat you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I'm coming.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- What are you doing now? - Your wish is my command, Cinders!
0:18:23 > 0:18:28- What have you done?- I've turned your onion into a beautiful carriage.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29But I can't eat a carriage!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I had one for lunch.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Now turn it back.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Certainly. Your wish is my command.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Ah, thank you.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- Hang on, I've just realised...- What?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42I'm allergic to onions!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- What's happening now? - It must be a giant onion-stalk.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Shall we climb to the top and see what's up there?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Nah. Everyone knows it'll just be a giant and we'll defeat him
0:18:55 > 0:18:57and we'll all live happily ever after.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- GIANT'S VOICE:- Thanks for ruining it for everybody, Hacker(!)
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- I wasn't ruining it. - Oh, yes, you were.- Oh, no, I wasn't.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Oh, yes, you were!- Right, that does it. Be quiet, giant!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- And you can get out and all, Pasquale.- All right, if you say so.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14But don't forget, boys and girls, when you see the evil Abanazar,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16don't forget to boo and hiss.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Get out, please! - All right, I'm going.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21And take your tiara off - you look daft.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And now for my emotional speech.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Oh, woe is me. Now I have no onion at all. What shall I do?
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Where shall I go? What is to become of me?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38HACKER CRIES
0:19:38 > 0:19:42BOOING AND HISSING
0:19:42 > 0:19:45What are you doing booing? Don't boo at me - me acting wasn't that bad.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I can't believe it. Stop it, please!
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Stop booing at me. It's not nice, that. I can't believe...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Pasquale! It's you again! Right, that does it!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'm out of here, you've sickened me! A-agh!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02You know, maybe Hacker's right.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Maybe I'm wasting my time with this pantomime nonsense.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Maybe I've got what it takes to become a serious actor.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Oh, no, you haven't!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Ha-ha! Thank you, ooh, again. - Yes, thank you.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Thank you.- Thank you, we love you. We love you all.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Ugh, that's the worst thing I've watched in ages.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Oh, no, it wasn't! Ho-ho! But don't worry, it's behind you now!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Oh, stop that, Derek!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Let's see what else is on.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33'Look at the people, Philip. Philip, please!'
0:20:33 > 0:20:35PIGS SQUEAL
0:20:35 > 0:20:36'No, Philip!'
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Ooh, look.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44OK, everybody, 15 minutes left of your detention,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46so make sure you finish your...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Josh, what are you doing?- What?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Gorging meself silly on fizzy drinks and sweets, obviously.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Pah! Weirdo.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Oh, that is so unhealthy! Haven't you heard of five-a-day?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01# One, two, three, four, five
0:21:01 > 0:21:05# Is what you need to keep you on the road
0:21:05 > 0:21:06# To a healthy body
0:21:06 > 0:21:09# Put that junk food down
0:21:09 > 0:21:12# And grab yourself an apple or a plum
0:21:12 > 0:21:14# Hey, or even a lychee
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- # Oh, I get it, how about a shake? - No!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18# Fill it with chocolate or a massive slab of cake
0:21:18 > 0:21:20# No, Josh, wait that'll make you sick
0:21:20 > 0:21:22# If you take another sip it'll make you gip
0:21:22 > 0:21:25# So sing with me out loud
0:21:25 > 0:21:30# You need your five-a-day is what they say
0:21:30 > 0:21:31# Listen up
0:21:31 > 0:21:33# Grab a kumquat, take a bean
0:21:33 > 0:21:35# Basically eat anything that's green
0:21:35 > 0:21:37# If it's good for your health indulge yourself
0:21:37 > 0:21:39# Make sure you don't take the cakes off the sweet shelf
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# All right, yeah I could eat this cherry
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# On top of that cake that's shaped like a ferry
0:21:43 > 0:21:45# Give me that or you'll be sorry
0:21:45 > 0:21:47# Have a nice carrot or a little piece of broccoli
0:21:47 > 0:21:50# And sing with me out loud
0:21:50 > 0:21:54# You need your five-a-day is what they say
0:21:55 > 0:21:58# Make your teacher proud
0:21:58 > 0:22:00# And eat your five-a-day
0:22:00 > 0:22:02# Every day
0:22:02 > 0:22:06# Oh, every day, aww...! #
0:22:08 > 0:22:13Ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting for,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15the big finale of the programme.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Here's the fabulous, the amazing,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20the fantastical quiz that we like to call...!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Yes! Welcome to my quiz show, Joseph.- Yep.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Inside each of these furniture items lies a fun challenge.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36If you do well at them, you might just win a holiday.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37What d'you think about that, cocker?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I think it's fantastic. I need one after this show.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- You're looking a bit withered. - Yeah, I am.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44In that case, let's get on with it,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48for it's time to reveal the answer to the question on everyone's lips!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Right, Joe, please pick your first storage unit.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58What will it be?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00It will be the wardrobe.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Fantastic choice - the side cabinet it is.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Leap over, open it up with all the grace of a gazelle, Joe Pasquale.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Ooh, yes. Now, this round is entitled Who's That Meat To You?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19We've dressed this meat product as a famous pantomime character.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23All you have to do is guess Who's That Meat To You?
0:23:23 > 0:23:29I would say that meat, that meat could be.... Er, is it the Princess?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- No! Incorrect, Joseph!- No!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35It was actually the famous meat-based character,
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Mince Charming!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- JOE LAUGHS - D'you get it? You get it?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Yes! He's made of mince.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47It's Mince Charming. No, I like it, that's good.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- Now, Pasquale, sort yourself out.- OK.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- All right, close the storage unit. - I'll close the door there.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Right, Joe Pasquale! Now pick your next storage item.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01My next storage item, Hacker, will be the hat box.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Good choice. The wardrobe it is!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Leap out, That Bear!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Oh, look who it is, it's That Bear!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Now, this round, Joe, is called What's That Bear Been Up To?
0:24:12 > 0:24:17That Bear has had a very busy day today, appearing on a TV show,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19but which TV show did he appear on?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Was it A, Countdown, was it B, The One Show,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25or was it C, The Jeremy Kyle Show?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29I would say, he looks a bit like Chris Evans,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31so I'll say The One Show.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Ooh, well, let's see if you're right.- Right.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Thank you very much indeed, welcome back.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44So we've heard one side of the story but let's hear the other.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Bear on the show.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50BOOING
0:24:50 > 0:24:53BEAR ROARS
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Sit down. Sit down now.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Get him out of here, get him out of here!
0:25:00 > 0:25:01What do you think of that, then?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05So you were wrong, Joe. It was actually The Jeremy Kyle Show.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08What d'you think about that?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- I don't know what I've got myself into.- Cheers, That Bear, now get out!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Yeah, thanks, That Bear.- In your own time. Shut the doors behind you.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Let's see you get on with that. Well done, That Bear.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- Very nimble, in't he?- Now, Joe, pick your third and final storage unit.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I think I'm going to have the wardrobe.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Good choice, the hat box it is!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Quick Fire!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Right, you've got to answer as many questions as you can
0:25:35 > 0:25:36to win the holiday. Let's go!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- What is your name? - Joe Pasquale.- Correct!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- What isn't your name? - Er, Fred Flintstone.- Correct!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Name all of Shakespeare's comedies in alphabetical order.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Spongebob Squarepants...
0:25:45 > 0:25:49I'm bored now. Right, complete this famous comedy duo, Morecambe and...?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Wise!- No, it was Morecambe and Lancaster, very funny town.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Knock, knock!- Who's there? - You tell me, you're the comic!
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- Tell me a joke!- Uh, er... oh, no, I can't!- Terrible one!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01What's the punch line?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Doctor, doctor! - Who's there?- What is comedy?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Why is comedy? WHO is comedy?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09WHERE is comedy?! No, seriously, where has all the comedy gone?!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Time's up. How did he do, Derek?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Ha-ha, it says "bogies".
0:26:14 > 0:26:16That means only one thing, you've won the holiday!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Fantastic, where am I going?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21An all-expenses paid trip to the jungle.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23How does it feel to be going back to the jungle?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I thought I was going to Spain. I don't want to go to the jungle!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Don't be so ungrateful. Herman!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- I'm not being ungrateful. - Get him out of here.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- I don't want to go to the... - Yes, Mr Hacker, come on.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I don't want to do... I've done the jungle!
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- Have a lovely time, Joseph!- I don't want to go to the jungle!- Bye!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40What a lovely woman!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Right, it's almost the end of the show now, cockers.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I'm off to buy a slow cooker from a retail park in Milton Keynes,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48but first, I shall sing my little ditty.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Sing along!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55# That is it for now The end of the show
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Joe Pasquale was my guest
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# He's got a famous bunion
0:27:18 > 0:27:19# But he went and ruined everything
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# When I tried to stage a serious play about a harrowing onion
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Ha-ha-ha! It's behind me!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd