0:00:02 > 0:00:06'Hacker Time is filmed in front of a three-week-old haggis.'
0:00:06 > 0:00:09I'm afraid to announce we've run out of money.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:11 > 0:00:14It's time to introduce some harsh cost-cutting measures.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Hacker, from now on,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19you're only allowed one elaborate costume per show.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20You're joking, Derek!
0:00:20 > 0:00:24I can't present Hacker Time wearing nothing but a neckerchief!
0:00:24 > 0:00:28- It's hardly showbiz!- Tough. It'll have to do.- I'm livid!
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Lolly, we can't afford to replace your stopwatch.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34You'll have to make do with your broken one.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Going on air in three, two...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39BOING
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Oh, actually, I've got no idea. It's only got one hand.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I also have to announce that I've had to let our odd-job man Wilf go.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52But don't worry, I've replaced him with a cardboard cut-out.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I prefer him already.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Hacker, have you been adding to your costume?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I've told you, we can't afford it.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Oh, erm, er, look! Look, ooh!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Cardboard Wilf's about to do something.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06CREAK-THUMP!
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- THEY ALL LAUGH - Hurrah!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11It's going to be a good show!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I'm pretty sure we're on air in three, two...!
0:01:17 > 0:01:18# You're going to watch this
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# You've got to watch this! #
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Oh-ho-ho, oh!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# You've got to watch this
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# My, my, my, my
0:01:28 > 0:01:30# Programme hits you so hard
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Thank you for watching me
0:01:34 > 0:01:35# It's telly But not what you normally see
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# It feels good There's outtakes too
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# So sit back, don't move too much
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# This is the show that you can't touch
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# Stop! Hacker Time! #
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Thank you.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50So how come we've run out of money, Derek?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Well, Hacker wanted us to hire a load of priceless antiques
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- and balance them precariously on bits of flimsy old polystyrene.- Why?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01He's going to skate round them, and as long as he doesn't break any,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04we should get our money back from the hire company.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Oh, what could possibly go wrong(?)
0:02:07 > 0:02:09'Here we go.'
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Ta-dah! Oh, yes! I'm good at this, oh, it's easy.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Anyone can do this roller-skating lark. Wa-hey!
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- 'Ooh, look!'- Oh, no.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, careful.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It's good, wa-da-da-dah!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I can't look!
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Ta-dah!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Well done!- Hoo-hoo!- Yes.- Yes!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31See, Lolly, not one broken antique. Bravo, Hacker.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33That was beautiful, wasn't it, Wilf, eh?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35VASES SHATTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Oh, no! Me vases!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41'The insurance'll never cover this!'
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Cardboard Wilf certainly saved us a lot of money, didn't he, Derek(!)
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I'm ruined! Oh-ho-ho!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Herman, see if you can glue 'em back together.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I'm sure no-one'll notice. Oh, I'm sorry about this, folks.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59It's all been a shambles so far. I might as well just go home.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Should I fire up the cardboard van?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Oh, Cardboard Wilf, you've done more than enough. Go on, get out!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07All right, mate, I'm off.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Oh, it's a good job my guest today is a consummate professional.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Larry, send them in! - Sure thing, Hacker!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Today's guest is a woman who is always hard at work.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21She doesn't mind getting her hands dirty and dealing with big jobs.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It's...
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Gill who cleans the toilets!
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Ohh...
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Er, Hacker, it's Saira Khan! I'm Saira Khan.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Well, Saira, KHAN you go back through that door?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I'm expecting a toilet attendant.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Do you think that's a really nice way to talk to your guests?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Erm...
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Er...no!
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Ha-ha! I always get that one wrong.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Right, look, no offence, cocker,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52but I really do need to talk to Derek about this.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Hopefully, this is just a terrible mix-up.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Yeah, and whilst you're at it,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58perhaps you can work on your attitude.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Derek!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Derek, I was expecting Gillian!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I've got an intimate, toilet-related question to ask her.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Oh, we're not spending half an hour talking about toilets.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I thought it would be good
0:04:16 > 0:04:18to have a successful businesswoman around here.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Eh? Well, what about me?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25You've got a chicken nugget stuck in your hair, Lolly.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Oh, no, not again!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Saira's going to be a great guest. Just watch this.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35'Saira Khan first appeared on our screens
0:04:35 > 0:04:37'in series one of The Apprentice.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40'Since then, she's become a familiar CBBC face,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43'presenting Beat The Boss and Trade Your Way To The USA,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46'where she helps children buy soap and that!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49'She also likes nothing more than standing on painted lorries.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51'I'm not sure why.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54'But anyway, that's most of what you need to know about Saira Khan!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56'Ho-ho!'
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Oh, her!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01What a lovely treat, to have such an inspirational woman in the studio.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Oh, you might want to get out there, Hacker.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05It looks like Herman's got involved.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08That man's nothing but a fool!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Er, the other way.- Yep, I knew that.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12(You should have told me.)
0:05:12 > 0:05:15And selling tea to China was what made me a millionaire
0:05:15 > 0:05:17at the age of, er, seven.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18That is remarkable.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21You are such a shrewd businessman, Herman.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- I tell you, you're wasted in this place.- Herman! Herman!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Unhand that woman and get out of me sight! Go on!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Yes, Mr Hacker, OK.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Oh, Saira, I'm sorry about Herman.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Actually, he's got some fascinating business insights.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39He's going to go really far.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Yeah, I know. Whenever I look at him, I think of The Apprentice.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Why, does he remind you of Lord Sugar?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46No, I want to point at him and shout, "You're fired!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha!
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Now, Larry, give us the headlines, me old cocker.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Here's a business proposition for you.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Stick around, because coming up on today's show,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Saira Khan says this...
0:06:00 > 0:06:05Small quantities at high prices with little negotiation? Not good.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Dr Pox says this...
0:06:06 > 0:06:10The delusions hint at an abnormality in the pre-frontal cortex,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12so I suggest a full and thorough cranial biopsy.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14And Hacker says this...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Ooh, no! You stop it now!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19All this and more on Hacker Time.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Wahey! Looks ace, that, don't it, Saira?- Looks brilliant.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Right, it's time for me to interview you now.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28But before we get started, I think it's best
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- we talk about the terms of this chat.- Good idea.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34I'm offering to ask you 71 questions for three hours of your time.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Er, no, I won't accept that.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I'll have three questions in three minutes.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- How about two questions for three seconds of your time?- Deal!- Yeah!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Ha-ha-ha! Pleasure doing business with you, cocker.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Now, Saira, you present Trade Your Way To The USA.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51You're also a successful businesswoman,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53but what I want to know is this,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55why did you need to trade your way to the USA?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Can't you afford to buy a ticket?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01No, Hacker! The whole point is, is that for the end of the show
0:07:01 > 0:07:03we want a big finale, so we go to America.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07It's exciting, and the contestants really then want to go for it
0:07:07 > 0:07:08and do their best.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Because, seriously, if you're a bit short,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I've got 50p you could borrow.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I don't need to borrow 50p, thank you.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Hey, d'you ever get embarrassed when you do business?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Why would I get embarrassed doing business?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Well, I get embarrassed when I do my business in the park.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25People always watch me. I don't like that, cocker.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Anyway, I've noticed that in Trade Your Way To The USA,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31you're always talking behind people's backs
0:07:31 > 0:07:34when they're doing negotiations. Behold the evidence!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Wow! I wasn't expecting that! Here we go.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42You've got to taste this product to sell it.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44No, big mistake.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I want to see a lot more assertive negotiation.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I hope they're listening.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Small quantities at high prices with little negotiation? Not good.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55She means business.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It's not nice to talk behind people's backs, is it, Saira?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Well, it's not, but I'm not really talking behind their back,
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- I'm giving the audience constructive feedback.- Interesting, yes.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Well, let's move on. Saira!- Yes.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14What is business?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Well, business is when you, you know, buy and sell...
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Saira would do well to note that I'm not interested in the answer at all.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I have no interest in anything she says to me,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26but she's going to carry on anyway, cos she's a lovely woman. And, er...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Hacker, what are you doing? - Oh, nothing, nothing!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Yes, of course, yes, next question.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- You started off on The Apprentice, didn't you?- I did.- What was it like?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35It was amazing...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Saira's wearing a lovely blouse today.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40A lovely yet ill-fitting blouse,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44and her skirt is made of a cheap jersey material,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46grey with stars on it.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48And the shoes were two-for-one.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51If you're asking me a question,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54then at least you can have the decency to listen to the answer!
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- You might learn something.- I'm sorry, cocker, did I do it again?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Didn't notice. Fortunately, that hardly ever happens.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Hey, did you know that I actually went into business once?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Ah, I'm having a lovely holiday.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14There was lots to do in the town of Business. Mainly fining.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Anyway, before we finish, I was wondering if you could help me
0:09:17 > 0:09:19with my sales techniques, cocker.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Tell me how I'm doing, will ya?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Ah! Buy this sandwich!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Let's try and be a little bit nicer.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28All right.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Please buy this sandwich.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32It's not something I'd enjoy.
0:09:32 > 0:09:38It's been in the cupboard for weeks, but will you buy it? Please?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Please buy this sandwich!
0:09:40 > 0:09:45- Let's try and be a little bit more persuasive.- All right, then.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it...
0:09:50 > 0:09:53All right! All right! I'll buy it.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Huzzah! Anyway, it's been lovely chatting to you, cocker,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01but I've realised I've asked you way more questions than we agreed.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04So before you try and sue me, let's move on.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06What's coming up next, Larry?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09What do you get when you cross a load of foolish doctors
0:10:09 > 0:10:11with a hospital inspection?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Chaos, of course! Yes, it's time for Casually!
0:10:18 > 0:10:22'This is Nilbymouth Hospital.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24'In this week's episode, tears...'
0:10:24 > 0:10:27CREATURE CRIES
0:10:27 > 0:10:28'..trauma...'
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Nurse! He's got me swab!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32'..and trouble comes to the ward.'
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Mr Trouble, hello.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36This will be your bed for the next two weeks.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39'This is Casually.'
0:10:54 > 0:10:57'It's 8am at Nilbymouth Hospital,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59'and senior surgeon Dr Side-Parting
0:10:59 > 0:11:01'has got a few announcements to make.'
0:11:01 > 0:11:03HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's 8am here at Nilbymouth Hospital,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and I, senior surgeon Dr Side-Parting,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10has got a few announcements to make.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Firstly, we've got the TV crew in again today.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Just go about your jobs as normal, I want you all to be at your best
0:11:16 > 0:11:18because we have an inspector coming in.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20THEY ALL GASP Yes!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22It's incredibly important that he sees how efficient
0:11:22 > 0:11:25and professional we are, so I don't want any slip-ups.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26W-urgh!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28GLASS SHATTERS
0:11:28 > 0:11:31'Just as the hospital prepares for the inspector's visit,
0:11:31 > 0:11:35'tensions are raised as an emergency call comes in.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39'An ambulance is on its way with a man who's had a terrible fall.'
0:11:39 > 0:11:42So just to be clear, the next person to come through that door
0:11:42 > 0:11:45is either the inspector or a man who's had a hideous accident?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Well, yes, it's perfectly simple.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49HE SNIFFS
0:11:49 > 0:11:55Oh, yes! What a wonderful day for inspecting hospitals! Ha-ha!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57What? No, no. What are you doing? Urgh!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02We'll save you, Mr Man Who's Had An Accident!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Well, no, I think there's been a terrible mix-up. I'm the inspector.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Oh, it's worse than we thought. He's delusional!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12CLONK AND TWEETING BIRDS
0:12:12 > 0:12:15'The situation gets worse as the doctors realise
0:12:15 > 0:12:18'they need to get the patient to theatre immediately.'
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Hello!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Yes, I need two tickets to Les Miserable, please,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25and make it snappy!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, yeah...oh, no.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29They've sold out, mate.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Oh, no! Ohh...!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35If we can't get him to theatre, we're going to have to operate here.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Dr Pox, what are you thinking?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40The delusions hint at an abnormality in the pre-frontal cortex,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43so I suggest a full and thorough cranial biopsy,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- perhaps leading to a lobotomy. - Good suggestion.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48What about you, Dr Scab? What are you thinking?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Well, I was wondering why flamingos stand on one leg.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Interesting.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56But I think we'll go with Dr Pox's excellent suggestion.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Well done, have a lollipop.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01'After several seconds of intense surgery,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04'the hard-working doctors finally emerge.'
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Well, that went well. The inspector should be here by now.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Let's show him our good work.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I've just had a terrible accident.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Ah, Inspector. There you are.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Look at our good work.- I, I...ohh!
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Ooh, Inspector? Inspector?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26You called? Ohh!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28So you ARE the inspector?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33- Well, that's what I've been trying to tell you!- Oh, no.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- We've failed the inspection, haven't we?- Yeah.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Well, even though you caused major damage to one of my vital organs,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I was very impressed by the speed, efficiency
0:13:43 > 0:13:45and cleanliness of your hospital.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46You've passed.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Efficiency? Cleanliness?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- He's clearly still delusional. - Yeah.- Oh, come on.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Let's get back to theatre. Wilf!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57The Lion King? Wicked?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59They've all sold out?!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01HE MOANS GIBBERISH
0:14:01 > 0:14:03'Next week, the hospital is hit
0:14:03 > 0:14:06'by its largest emergency ever.'
0:14:06 > 0:14:09The canteen has run out of sausage rolls!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12'Only on Casually.'
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Hey, I'm hoping to make millions when that goes to DVD.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Beneath this pretty face is a shrewd businessman, can you tell, Saira?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Well, it's definitely not a man because you're a dog,
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- but I'll give you the shrewd. - Oh, thanks, cocker.- It's all right.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Still lots more fun to come, but before we continue,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- I've got a little business transaction to see to.- Oh, yeah?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- I'm just making a small deposit. - FARTS LOUDLY
0:14:40 > 0:14:43What are you...? What are you doing?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Well, there's a windfall on its way, isn't there?
0:14:46 > 0:14:47FARTS LOUDLY
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Derek, how many times have we told him not to do his business on TV?
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- It's a disaster, Lolly. - We can't let people see this!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Emergency film to the rescue.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06All right, my little owls.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I've recorded a special Derek Time for your little old eyes today,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11and it's all about balloons.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Wahoo! I'll start by showing you the time I dressed
0:15:15 > 0:15:18as a ginger cat balloon for my friend, ill-tempered Tom.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I started by gently tiptoeing over to ill-tempered Tom and then,
0:15:22 > 0:15:23he let me down big time.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27And what about these exploding mangetout?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30They're like peas, really. This cat loves them.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Not any more.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Now, I purchased this lovely bunch of balloons here for my mate
0:15:36 > 0:15:39vigorous Pete. I'll just pop them in the other room on the floor.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41There we go. Lovely.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45I hope they'll be all right in there and nothing untoward happens.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Oh, no! Something untoward IS happening! Pete!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What are you doing, young man?!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- And that concludes Derek Time. - Derek! Will you nip to the shop?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- We're out of tinned salmon! - Not now, mother, I'm doing my video.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- Don't make me come up there! - Yes, mother. Oh...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Derek, get that rubbish off and get us back on, will you?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Oh, all right, cockers? Sorry about Derek Time, there.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10We're in the process
0:16:10 > 0:16:13of getting a court order against him, or something.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Anyway, Saira, there are various thoughts I've always had about you.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Really? That's so nice.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Yes, it is, but I'm not going to speak them with words, Saira.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I'm going to express my feelings via the medium of song.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32This is for you. A little ditty.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# There's a woman in my life with style and grace
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# She knows what she wants You don't mess with that face
0:16:38 > 0:16:41# She only wants to get the best out of you
0:16:41 > 0:16:44# There isn't a thing that Saira KHAN't do
0:16:44 > 0:16:47# She finished The Apprentice at number two
0:16:47 > 0:16:49# She's traded her way and beat the boss, too
0:16:49 > 0:16:52# She's come on this show to talk to you
0:16:52 > 0:16:55# There isn't a thing that Saira KHAN't do
0:16:55 > 0:16:57# She managed to sell you knickers. #
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Even if you're going out for apples, do you know what I mean?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03# Her sales technique's persuasive
0:17:03 > 0:17:04# She could sell tea to China. #
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Which is ironic, cos they've got loads of the stuff there.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I mean, I've seen it on the telly.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11# She wears things that shows she's in control
0:17:11 > 0:17:13# Her wavy her has a decisive curl
0:17:13 > 0:17:16# She gets what she wants with her winning smile
0:17:16 > 0:17:18# There isn't a thing that Saira KHAN't do
0:17:18 > 0:17:21# She's not afraid to talk you down
0:17:21 > 0:17:24# She'll do all she can to save a pound
0:17:24 > 0:17:27# She's a hero and that is true
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# There isn't a thing that Saira KHAN't do. #
0:17:29 > 0:17:33KHAN't do. Her name's Khan. That's what we've been saying.
0:17:33 > 0:17:39- What do you think, cocker? - Hacker, I love it! It's brilliant.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Thank you so much.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43My pleasure, Saira. But it's not over yet, cockers.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47No, no, you stop it, no! Tell us what's still to come, Larry.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50If you're in the business of enjoying yourself,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53stick around because you'll love everything that's still to come
0:17:53 > 0:17:55on today's Hacker Time.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Hacker learns to respect his elders.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59'No way, Grandad!'
0:17:59 > 0:18:02He also asks some searching questions.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Why won't you buy my apples?!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05And find out what he really thinks of Saira.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08'What's she got - a home perm kit or something?'
0:18:08 > 0:18:10All still to come on Hacker Time.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13'Today's lecture is all about my love for wheat.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16'I love wheat, it makes me feel all warm inside...'
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh. Hiya, Wilf.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I hope you don't mind me coming over? I needed a break from Derek.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25He gets on my nerves, sometimes.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You know, you're probably too polite to say it,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32but he's just such a know-it-all. He never listens to anyone else.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Not like you, Wilf.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:18:36 > 0:18:40You know, I've never noticed what a good listener you are.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Sometimes I just want to talk and talk and talk,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49and talk and talk, and talk and talk about my feelings without
0:18:49 > 0:18:51letting anyone else get a word in edgeways.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57I don't suppose you'd like to grab a smoothie sometime, would you?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Lolly, I'd love to.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to HIM!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04MUSIC STOPS
0:19:04 > 0:19:09OK... I'll leave you two to it then. I need to go and fire up the van.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Yeah.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Hello and welcome to Hacker Shop TV.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23We've got loads of bargains for you.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26And today I'm joined by a guest presenter.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Yes, to flog her tatty wares today, please welcome Sarah Crane.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34It's Saira Khan.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Whatever. What have you got for us today, love?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Well, let's start with broken sunglasses,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43actually for when you're in the sun and when you're not.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It does two jobs in one. Fed up of waking up?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Now you don't have to with this broken alarm clock.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Oh, it's damaged beyond repair.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- Finally, having problems with your diet?- Yes.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57This mouldy food will make sure you stick to it.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I'll take the lot, Sarah. Yes, they're mine!
0:20:00 > 0:20:02They're mine, I tells you!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I'll put them in t'boot later, cocker.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Right, next up, it's time to talk to some callers. Who's on line one?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Hello, it's Anne from Eccles.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Hello, Anne, what would you like to order?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15A 12-inch meat feast, please.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Madame, I think you've got the wrong number. Let's go to line three.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22'I'm calling to say this is the worst programme I've ever seen,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24'particularly that female presenter.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26'What's she got, a home perm kit or something?'
0:20:26 > 0:20:30'Look at the state of that jewellery. What a disgrace!'
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Hacker, I can see you right there.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37But it needed saying, Saira.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I mean, come on.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Oh!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44It's now time to demonstrate a very exciting new product.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It's going to solve all your cleaning woes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Yes, it's Danger Cleanse.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50LION ROARS
0:20:50 > 0:20:52This aggressive household cleaner
0:20:52 > 0:20:56is so powerful it will get rid of anything and everything.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Sarah's now going to demonstrate it
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- on my mother's favourite antique painting.- Saira!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Hacker, do you think that's wise?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Well, if you know a better way to get a tiny bit of dust
0:21:07 > 0:21:10off a painting, I'd love to hear about it.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- Well, I think... - Don't question me, Sarah!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Get danger cleansing! Cleanse! - LION ROARS
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- We're offering you one can of Danger Cleanse. - LION ROARS
0:21:18 > 0:21:19It was 190 quid,
0:21:19 > 0:21:23but we're now offering it at the bargain price of 189.99.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Plus one pence for the postage and packaging.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28The product has been banned in 27 countries
0:21:28 > 0:21:31but don't let that put you off.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Imagine my mother's delight when she discovers her newly dusted painting.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36How are you getting on, Sarah?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I'm so sorry, Hacker.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41It...it...it...
0:21:41 > 0:21:45It looks brilliant! I love it!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I'll buy it for all the money in the world!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Yes, all the money in my world-shaped money box.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- Love it, there you go. - Thanks, Danger Cleanse.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56LION ROARS
0:21:56 > 0:21:58That's the BAFTA right there, Lolly.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Yeah, BAFTA for the worst ever sketch seen on TV.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Lolly, wash your mouth out with soap. But not Danger Cleanse.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07LION ROARS
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- It's highly corrosive.- Derek, I can't watch any more of this drivel.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Let's see what else is on.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- Who's he?- Wilf.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18He's still being untoward, look!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20ALARM BELL
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- RAPPING:- We're why you're here Don't patronise us
0:22:22 > 0:22:24OK, my dear?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26You're all proper boring and you've got grey hair
0:22:26 > 0:22:29And you're the type of people who have a favourite chair
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Show some respect, we've lived our lives
0:22:31 > 0:22:32We can be cool
0:22:32 > 0:22:34We can do high-fives
0:22:34 > 0:22:36That's not straight Here, have a boiled sweet
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I bet you don't even know how to tweet
0:22:39 > 0:22:44# Show some respect for those who cannot reach their toes. #
0:22:44 > 0:22:46You think we are uncool or even gross
0:22:46 > 0:22:49But we're the people who YOU need the most
0:22:49 > 0:22:51All right, calm down, you'll do your back in
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Go and have a nap and wait for Countdown to begin
0:22:54 > 0:22:56At least I can reach things that are way up high
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Bet you don't know what LOL means, or Wi-Fi
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- We don't get homework - Actually, that's pretty cool
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- We can stay up late - I go to bed after eight!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06We don't get grounded, we have no rules
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I want to be older I've been a fool.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Right, looks like you fully understood what
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I was saying about respect and being polite to people older than you.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Yeah. I've learnt a deep and valuable lesson.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22And you won't disrespect any adults again, right?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24No, way...
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Grandad!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Grand pops!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Grumpy-pops, ah!
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Ha-ha!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32(COUGHS)
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Excuse me.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36ALARM BELL
0:23:38 > 0:23:42And now it's the moment you've all been waiting for,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46the thrilling climax of today's show, the stupendous,
0:23:46 > 0:23:51the amazing, the magnificent quiz we like to call...
0:23:51 > 0:23:54EPIC MUSIC
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Yes, welcome to my quiz, Saira.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Inside each of these furniture items lies a fun challenge.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06If you do well at them, you might just win yourself a holiday.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Are you ready?- I'm ready. - Righty ho, let's get on with it.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I haven't got all day, cocker,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13and I'm sure the viewers at home are dying to know...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16EPIC MUSIC
0:24:18 > 0:24:23Saira Khan, please pick your first storage unit. What will it be?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- OK, I'll go for the suitcase. - Good choice. The side cabinet it is.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Wander over and open it aloft. And peer inside.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36This challenge is called Can You Guess What It Is?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- So, can you guess what it is, Saira? - It's a can?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41BUZZER
0:24:41 > 0:24:43You're wrong, I'm afraid.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Turn it around, let's have a little look.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50It was actually a Saira-can. Ha-ha-ha!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52A little joke there, Saira.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Now, shut that cabinet door
0:24:54 > 0:24:57and pick another piece of furniture, cocker.
0:24:57 > 0:25:03- OK, so, I will go for the hatbox. - Good choice, the wardrobe it is.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Wander across, fling the doors open, and peer in.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09This round is called
0:25:09 > 0:25:12How Many Business Items Can You Put On In 15 Seconds?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Can you guess what you have to do?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- Yes. I've got to put all that stuff on.- Sure enough, cocker. Well done.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22Take it away, then. You've only got 15 seconds. Here...we...go!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Put the items on, get the business item, come on.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Hurry up, Saira, come on. You're rubbish at this!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Get more business items on. Hurry up, quick...
0:25:34 > 0:25:37No, time's up.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38I'm afraid you've failed that round.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Come back over here and let me assess your business items.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I wouldn't buy anything off you, look at the state of you.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Now, pick another storage unit.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- Right, I'll go for the cake tin, please.- Hatbox it is.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Quickfire. Ha!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58You've got to answer as many questions as you can
0:25:58 > 0:26:00to win the holiday. Let's go.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Name a TV programme with Lord Alan Sugar in it.- The Apprentice.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Correct. Name a TV programme with you in it.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Trade Your Way To The USA.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Yes. If I had two businesses and I swapped them for seven businesses,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- what would I have?- None.- A headache. What's the point of a suit?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15- To look smart.- The collar.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Name something you find in an office.- A stapler.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Despair. Will you buy seven mouldy apples off me for 50 quid?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Absolutely not.- Miserable.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- What about three mouldy apples for 100 quid?- No.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Why won't you buy my apples? Why won't you buy my apples?!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- Is this any of your business? - You're not good at selling!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
0:26:34 > 0:26:35- Mind your own business! - HOOTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Thank you. That's it. Your time's up.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39How did she do, Derek?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43She did so well I'm awarding her nine mouldy apples.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I don't know what that means but it doesn't matter
0:26:45 > 0:26:47because winning or losing means the same thing here.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50You're going on holiday to...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53the scrap yard! Yes, what do you think of that, Saira?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- I'm not going to the scrap yard, no way!- Herman, Herman!
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- Get her out of my sight.- Yes, Mr Hacker. Step this way, please.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Come on, you're going on holiday!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Scrap yard!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Stop being ungrateful. - I'm not going to the scrap yard!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Ha-ha ha-ha!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Thanks for watching my little show today. I'm off home now.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I've got some business to see to. I'm bursting.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18All that's left for me to do now is sing me little song.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Sing along, cockers.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# I need the lav so I'm going to go
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# It's been amazing we've been larking around
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# There'll be tonnes of funny stuff, it'll be top drawer
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# Saira Khan was my guest today
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# What a top businesswoman
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# But our friendship nearly met its end
0:27:50 > 0:27:53# When she ruined Mum's painting with all that scrubbing
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# And that is it for now the end of the show
0:27:55 > 0:27:58# I need the lav so I'm going to go
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# Put in your diary it's called Hacker Time.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:28:08 > 0:28:09I'll fire up the van.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd