0:00:03 > 0:00:06Hacker Time isn't filmed in front of a live studio audience.
0:00:06 > 0:00:11So, it's been three days since we got our new office equipment.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Where did you get it again, Wilf?
0:00:12 > 0:00:16Off me mate down the market, Dodgy-Gear Steve.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Ooh, doesn't he sound pleasant and trustworthy(?)
0:00:19 > 0:00:21So, is this stuff any good?
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Oh, it's terrible, Derek! The chairs are all faulty...
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Aah! Ooh! Ow!
0:00:27 > 0:00:31- See! And the stapler's faulty... - PING!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34GULP! Oh! Right in the windpipe!
0:00:34 > 0:00:38- GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! - Even the coffee's faulty. Eugh!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40That's orange juice, ya fool!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- HIGH-PITCHED:- Oh, yeah!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44All right, all right, calm down, everyone, come on.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47There's only one way to settle this and that's by writing
0:00:47 > 0:00:50a strongly worded letter of complaint to Dodgy-Gear Steve.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Use that pen there - I got it from Dodgy-Gear Steve.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Ho-ho! Perfect. Doesn't look at all dodgy to me!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01ALL: Oh, no!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Ho-ho! Oh. Ow. Oh...
0:01:08 > 0:01:09# You got to watch this
0:01:12 > 0:01:13# You got to watch this
0:01:15 > 0:01:17# You got to watch this
0:01:17 > 0:01:21# My, my, my My programme hits you so hard
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# Makes me say, "Oh, my word"
0:01:23 > 0:01:24# Thank you for watching me
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# It's telly, but not what you'd normally see
0:01:27 > 0:01:29# It feels good There's outtakes too
0:01:29 > 0:01:30# Comedy guests and clips, it's true
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# So sit back, don't move too much
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# This is the show - huh - you can't touch
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- # Stop! - Hacker Time! #
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Thank you.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41OK, everyone, 30 seconds to on air...
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Oh, Lolly, I'm so excited about today's grand opening.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46What's so special about it?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Hacker's going to deliver a speech to the nation!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51It's going to be so passionate and thought-provoking.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55He's going to talk about life, love, politics... Ho-ho!
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- I can't wait!- You don't have to - here he comes now!
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Ho-ho!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- MIC SCREECHES - Ahem.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Ah-Ahem.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07HE CLEARS THROAT
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- Oh, no! Quick! Someone get him a glass of water!- Anyone!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Ooh. Oh, sorry, this glass is faulty!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21HACKER GROWLS AND GROANS
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- In that case, someone get him a lozenge!- I'll do it!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Ah-Ahem, ahem.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Here you go, Hacker!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Yeah.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37OK, you can do your speech now, Hacker.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42That WAS my speech. It was all about the art of coughing.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Oh, why do we bother?! Let's get on with the show!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Very well! Time to introduce my special guest on today's show,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54and it's a good 'un, cockers. Larry, tell us who it is.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Well, Hacker, he travels on a motorbike
0:02:57 > 0:03:01and he asks all the right questions. It's...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Barry the over-curious pizza boy!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Yeah... Ye... Oh, look at this.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Hold on a minute, you're not Barry!
0:03:10 > 0:03:14No, I'm not. I'm Matt Allwright from BBC Watchdog and BBC Rogue Traders.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15But I wanted Barry!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18He's got a motorbike and he always asks great questions,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21like, do I want extra anchovies on me deep-pan Hawaiian?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Hacker, I'm a consumer journalist. I find people that do things wrong,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28then I ask them questions and then they run away.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31And that's better than someone who delivers pizza, is it?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I think not, wandering in here
0:03:33 > 0:03:35with your ill-fitting waterproof jacket on.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38You make me retch, young man. Stay there.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- McGee, who... - HACKER GIBBERS
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Right. Right, who is this man? And what is a costumier journalist?
0:03:45 > 0:03:49He's Matt Allwright and he's a CONSUMER journalist, Hacker.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Derek, you might as well just be saying "blah, blah, blah" right now.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Well, take a look at this, me little owl. It explains everything.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Matt Allwright is a journalist who fights for people's rights
0:04:02 > 0:04:03when they've been cheated.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06He appears on Watchdog and Rogue Traders,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09where he dresses in disguise to catch out dodgy workmen.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Ooh, what a plunger!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14In his spare time, Matt pays people to follow him round
0:04:14 > 0:04:15so he looks more popular
0:04:15 > 0:04:19and that's all you need to know about Matt Allwright.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22So, there you have it. What do you think?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26He'll have to do. Now, bid me my leave, good sir, for I must away.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- To the studio! - Er, the studio's that way.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I am aware of this, McGee, and I don't appreciate you bringing it up.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39So, like I say, me motorbike's me pride and joy, 1200cc.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Did you go for the ABS and the switchable map engines?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Ho-ho, of course not. I'm not an animal, Matt!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- I'm not an animal, cos... - Well, no, you're not...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Ah-ha-ha! Ahem, I've got a bike.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Have you really?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00No, I haven't.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- I'm sorry about him, Matt. Anyway, I'll see you later.- See you later.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- Ooh! The handshake! - Oh, yeah, knuckles.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Knuckles.- Slide, slide. Handlebars.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- BOTH:- Brumm, brumm!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Oh, Herman! Take your stupid handshake and get out of here!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh, Matt, as I was saying earlier,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18it is a real pleasure to have you on the show.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19That's not what you said earlier.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Yeah, I know I didn't, I... Quick, Larry, quick!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Tell us what's coming up on the show!
0:05:24 > 0:05:28You won't believe your eyes, your ears, or even your teeth
0:05:28 > 0:05:32when you see what's coming up on today's Hacker Time.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Sheriff T Dog's in a generous mood.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Milky brews for everyone!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Matt makes a devastating discovery.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- You've never seen my programme? - No, I...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And what's the best way to put your guest at ease?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48This is!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Huh, all this and more on Hacker Time!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Oh, looks like a right treat for the senses, don't it, cockers?
0:05:55 > 0:06:00- Yes.- Thank you. But before all that, it's time for my serious interview.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Ahem, are you ready, Matthew? - Yeah, knock yourself out.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Question one. What is your full name?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- My full name is Matthew Allwright. - And are you ALL RIGHT?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13HACKER LAUGHS
0:06:13 > 0:06:18- Ha, heh, ho, cos...it's...your name. Ha...- Yes, I'm fine.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- I am all right.- Good. You present Rogue Traders, don't you?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- I do.- Do you remember that episode I was in?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I don't remember the one you were in.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Well, I was in one. You and your pesky cameras get everywhere.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Take a look at the evidence.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37The cameras are rolling. Jamie and I are watching from next door.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Ah, I love being at home
0:06:39 > 0:06:42and definitely not being watched while I'm getting undressed
0:06:42 > 0:06:44after the annual ridiculous costume competition.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Now to get this thing off.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- It's a little bit... - Not sure what he's doing.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52'No idea whatsoever.'
0:06:54 > 0:06:56(Maybe he doesn't either.)
0:06:56 > 0:06:58This'll shift it. Yeah!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00BOING! BOING! BOING!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I certainly wouldn't be sticking my screwdriver
0:07:03 > 0:07:04through the front buttons.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07WHACK! WHACK! Is hitting it a good thing to do?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Hitting it is not a good thing to do.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11'Oh, hold on.'
0:07:14 > 0:07:15He's breaking the law.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Oh! Me privets! Oh.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20So, what d'you think of that, then?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22It's factually inaccurate! It's not correct.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- It always was, Matt. Next question. Matthew...- Yes.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31Are you still ALL RIGHT? Ha! It's your name! Hah-hah-ha!
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Ahem, right. Now, you appear on a show called Watchdog, don't you?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Yes, I do.- But let's see how good you are at watching a dog. GO!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51KLAXON HOOTS He broke me!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Ha-ha! You are rubbish at watching a dog.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Now, in your time
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- you've met some pretty dodgy characters, haven't you?- Yes.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02But what's the most dangerous situation you've ever been in?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- I've had a leaf blower swung at my head.- Oh!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07On one occasion I was jet-washed.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Good answer, but that's not the most dangerous situation
0:08:10 > 0:08:12you've ever been in. This is!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Peer above your bonceage. It's a mighty weight.
0:08:16 > 0:08:22Ha-ha-ha! You're in terrible danger. But...are you ALL RIGHT?
0:08:22 > 0:08:27- HACKER LAUGHS - ALLWRIGHT. It's your name! Ha-ha!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Anyway, Matthew, have you got any tips to stop me
0:08:30 > 0:08:32getting ripped off by dodgy characters?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Well, cold calling - do you know what that is?- Yeah.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- People call you out of the blue offering you things.- Yeah.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Never accept it. - I shall bear that in mind.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44There's NO WAY that I'm going to fall for any cons now.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- PHONE RINGS - Oh, me phone's ringing, hold on.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Hello?- 'Mr T Dog,'
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I am pleased to tell you that your name has been
0:08:51 > 0:08:54picked at random to receive a cash prize in our lucky draw!
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- Oh! How much have I won? - A grand total of five pence.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Hurrah! I've won!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Now, to receive your prize all you have to do is
0:09:03 > 0:09:08send us a cheque for exactly £16 billion!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Well, I can't see any problem with that, cocker. I thank you. Ha-ha.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I've got to get this cheque into the post.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Matthew, could you write the envelope out for me?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- You...- For I, as you know, am lacking in the thumb department.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Has anyone got a pen?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Oh, oh, oh. Here you go, son! I got it off Dodgy-Gear Steve!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, yeah, Dodgy-Gear Steve.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I bought some trainers off him - they're very good.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Oh, hang on a minute. Wait, that pen's going to expl...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Ha, ha. That's weird, innit?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I thought there was going to be some sort of terrible disaster.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Oh!
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- Ooh. Are you all right?- No.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50Ah. Larry, get us out of this, will you?
0:09:50 > 0:09:55Hold your horses, cos it's time for Tales From The Mild West.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59And today an unwelcome visitor comes to Cockers' Creek.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07# Long ago on the old frontier there lived a man with floppy ears
0:10:07 > 0:10:10# The Sheriff of Cockers' Creek
0:10:10 > 0:10:12# Where the mud was fine but the air was bleak
0:10:12 > 0:10:14# Where some were good but some were pests
0:10:14 > 0:10:19# As watching it when you live... in the Mild, Mild, West. #
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Yee-hah!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Ladies and gentle folk, let's hear it for Sheriff T Dog,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31the best rootin'-tootin' lawman in the Mild, Mild West.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34ALL CHEER
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Milky brews for everyone.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40ALL CHEER
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Thank goodness - it's the only drink we sell!
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Oh, Sheriff, since you arrived everybody's been so happy.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I sure do hope a mysterious stranger doesn't stroll into town
0:10:49 > 0:10:51and ruin it all.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- MAN QUIVERS - Baa!
0:10:59 > 0:11:03..and by the time the nurse arrived, the carpet was ruined!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06ALL LAUGH
0:11:12 > 0:11:14DOORS SQUEAK
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Aah! - GLASS SMASHES
0:11:25 > 0:11:28You there... Get me a milky...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31THEY PANT WITH RELIEF
0:11:31 > 0:11:33..coffee.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Sheriff, do something.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38OK.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Oh, fiddle-de-dee! Oh... - CRASH!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Say...I ain't seen you in this town before.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Well, I ain't been in this town before.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Ooh, that'll be why then. See ya! - Sheriff!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Ahem.
0:11:58 > 0:12:05- What's your name, boy? - They call me Eddie Two Knees.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10- And why's that?- Cos I got two knees.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Oh, yeah? Prove it.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Why don't you count 'em, cowboy?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21One...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23two, three.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Oh, I knew it! This man is a liar!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31He's a liar, he lies!
0:12:31 > 0:12:32He deceives, he tells...
0:12:32 > 0:12:37Fellas, fellas! I'm afraid you're going to have to take this outside.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46OK, boys, you know the drill. Five paces - turn -
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and whoever's quickest on the draw is the winner.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Here we go.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Finished! Ha-ha!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16It's a gibbon in a trilby, watering some mighty-fine daisies.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- ALL:- Ooh!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Beat that, Two Knees!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24GLASS SMASHES
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- ALL:- Oh!
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Oh!
0:13:31 > 0:13:36Well, the Sheriff was the fastest but, Eddie Two Knees,
0:13:36 > 0:13:40I've never seen a more beautiful picture in all my days.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I have to declare that this draw is...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- a draw. - CROWD GASPS
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Looks like I ain't going nowhere, Sheriff.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Well, in that case...
0:13:52 > 0:13:56..could I have that picture, please? It'll look lovely in me kitchenette.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00# In the Mild, Mild West. #
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Yee-hah.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03What a treat that was!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06But now it's time to ask the question on everyone's lips.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Matthew Horatio Allwright...- Yes.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Are you still...ALL RIGHT?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- But are you?- Yes.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16- But are you?- Yes.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17- But are you?- Yes.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- But are you?- Yes.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- But are you?- Oh, no! What's happening in there?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26It's Hacker's brain - it must have fallen out of his ear again.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28We'd better keep the viewers amused.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- Lolly, I'm going to play the emergency film!- Yes! I'm all...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Hoo-hoo! Eh?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Hello, me little owls!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I've recorded this Derek Time box special just for you.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46First up, cat gets protective over its new printer.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50That's strange. I thought there was meant to be a cat in this video.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Oh, there is! Mind the cartridges!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Cat packs final belongings for move to America.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I think you've forgotten something apart from your cat trunks -
0:14:59 > 0:15:02yourself! Get in the box. Go on.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Let's see that again from a slightly different angle. There it is.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07And one more time. Hoo-hoo!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And our final box special clip,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12which definitely won't include a cat, is....
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Oh, it does feature a cat.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18You're never going to fit in there, me little owl! He's still trying.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Never going to happen, though. Never going to happen.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, he's done it. That should have been a cat special.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28Anyway, moving on, time for the main and most exciting part of the show.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It's completely unique, it's...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Derek, love! Your tea's ready!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Not now, Mother, I'm doing me videos!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Oh, well. Ta-ra for now, me owls. Hoo-hoo!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Matt's found Hacker's brain!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43OK, everyone, on air in three, two, one...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45HOLLOW RATTLE
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Ah, that's better.- Yeah?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Huzzah! Now, Matthew, you're a hero of sorts, aren't you?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I wouldn't go that far.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56You're brave, debonair, sophisticated.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59You're a bit like a low-budget James Bond, don't you think?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Well, if you're going to insist upon it, yes.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Well, I think you should have a James Bond-style theme tune.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Strike up the band, cocker!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"GOLDFINGER"-STYLE MUSIC
0:16:20 > 0:16:25# He's the man with curly hair
0:16:25 > 0:16:28# He wears a leather jerkin... #
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It's a type of coat!
0:16:30 > 0:16:34# He sits atop a motorbike
0:16:34 > 0:16:38# And finds where naughty men and women are lurkin'... #
0:16:38 > 0:16:41He's very good, you know!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45# Allwright is his name
0:16:45 > 0:16:49# Fighting consumer injustice his game
0:16:51 > 0:16:54# When someone's in the frame... #
0:16:54 > 0:16:56For conning people out of cash!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59# He knows who to blame
0:17:01 > 0:17:04# So rip-off merchants everywhere... #
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Ow, me back!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09# You'd better all beware... #
0:17:09 > 0:17:12But the funny thing is...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15# I don't really care
0:17:15 > 0:17:21# Because I've never watched the programme
0:17:21 > 0:17:24# Called Rogue Traders. #
0:17:25 > 0:17:27What did you think of that?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29You've never seen my programme?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31No-ahhh.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33BELL TOLLS
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Oh, look, look! There's some consumer injustice over there!
0:17:38 > 0:17:39WHOOSH!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Larry, get us out of this, quick!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Sure thing. We've got a lot in store - ALLWRIGHT.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Stop that!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Because still to come on Hacker Time...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52We've got rude words...
0:17:52 > 0:17:53- Waiter.- Knickers!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55..more rude words...
0:17:55 > 0:17:56What, you smell of wee?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59..and a potato dressed as a middle-aged woman.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Red hair, winking...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Still to come on Hacker Time.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It's time now for something very exciting.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10I shall conduct an hour-long lecture all about laminate flooring.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Ahem! First of all...
0:18:12 > 0:18:17- He's a nice bloke, that Matt Allwright, ain't he, Lolly?- Yeah.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22You know, it makes me think. I wish I could find that perfect man.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Really?!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Yeah. I'd really like to find someone who drives a van...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Yeah?!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- Someone who likes DIY...- Yeah?!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Someone with a downturned mouth that opens outwards...
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Yeah...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- And when I find him...- Yeah?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I'll tell him I can't stand any of those qualities.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Can he recommend someone for me?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45See ya!
0:18:45 > 0:18:49One day, Wilfred. One day, you'll get your chance.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51HE SNIFFLES I'll fire up the van.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57And now, Hacker Time proudly presents
0:18:57 > 0:18:59the following bistro sketch!
0:19:02 > 0:19:06This is the worst bistro ever!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10She's right.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I just hope an undercover reporter doesn't find out
0:19:12 > 0:19:14and tell the whole world!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16BELL RINGS
0:19:16 > 0:19:18My name is Pat Pallwright.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23- Pat Pallwright?- And I'm definitely not an undercover reporter.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24This is Matt Allwright.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27If he finds out how disgusting this restaurant is,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29he'll close me down for sure!
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Please, take a seat!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Now, what would you like? - I'd like the rump steak, please.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39An excellent choice, madam. And how would you like it cooked?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Well done.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Oh, thank you very much. But how would you like it cooked?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Well done. - Cheers, cocker, that's nice of you,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49but you still haven't told me how you want it cooked.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- Just surprise me.- Very well.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52- Boo!- Argh!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Ha-ha! Now, how do you want it cooked?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Do you know? Forget it. I'm going to have the soup.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Oh, sorry, Pat. We're all out of soup.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I've seen this kind of restaurant before.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07I bet there's a rancid old chef out the back undercooking all the food!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09How dare you?!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13He's not out the back, he's just over there.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Mr Hacker! Mr Hacker!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Yes, chef, what is it?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23There's a problem! I've dropped a snotty tissue into one of the flans
0:20:23 > 0:20:26but I don't know which one!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh, no! He'll have me closed down for this!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32OK, no need to panic. Look, we've got ten flans here.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- What are the chances he'll order the one with the tissue in it?- Ha-ha!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Waiter!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I'd like ten flans, please!
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Oh...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43knickers!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Waiter!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Yes, sir?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55About those flans... GULP!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Yes, sir?- I didn't like them.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01I loved them!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Especially the third one with the snotty tissue in it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Really?- Yeah.- I thought you were going to have me closed down.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11No! But I am going to write you a glowing review.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I assumed this sketch would end with something going disastrously wrong.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Now, has anybody got a pen?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- Here you go, Pat.- Thank you.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25ALARM RINGS
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Does this mean you're going to close us down?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31No. That's the best exploding pen I've ever used.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I must write a review about that!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Here you go, son.- Thanks!
0:21:37 > 0:21:41That was the fourth exploding pen gag this episode.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43They're not even trying any more.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Shall we see what else is on?- Yeah.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51- The first thing you must know about dust is, it's made of dust.- No.- Dust.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52- He's singing.- No.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55# I want to break free... #
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Oh, this is good!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01OK, Josh, as this banner clearly states...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03What, you smell of wee?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Not that banner!
0:22:06 > 0:22:07This banner.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11It is the most hotly anticipated event of the school year -
0:22:11 > 0:22:15the PTA Cheese Eating Night - and the Lord Mayor is coming!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17What's that got to do with me?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Well, you, sir, have the most important job of the evening,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24looking after the school cheese board.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27But you know how notoriously flaky and slow-witted I am.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30You can't trust me with that sort of responsibility.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Responsibility
0:22:34 > 0:22:35# Is the key
0:22:35 > 0:22:37# You're getting to be a big boy now
0:22:37 > 0:22:39# Got to be grown-up and I'll show you how
0:22:39 > 0:22:41# Here's your chance Don't mess it up, please
0:22:41 > 0:22:43# Cos I'm giving you the school's own cheese
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# I'm giving you, I'm giving you, I'm giving you
0:22:46 > 0:22:47# Responsibility!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# I'll keep my cool like a piece of feta
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# Stay solid as a farmhouse Cheddar
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# Whoa, whoa, whoa, to impress me
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# Don't spread yourself thin like a sliver of Brie
0:22:55 > 0:22:57# Keep on top of things like mozzarella
0:22:57 > 0:22:59# Don't worry, cocker, I'm your fella
0:22:59 > 0:23:02# Cos I'm showing you, I'm showing you, I'm showing you
0:23:02 > 0:23:07# Responsibility! #
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Cheese break!- Ho!
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Here we go!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- # Stilton! - That's the one, here we go
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- # Red Leicester! - Yeah, love that stuff
0:23:15 > 0:23:16# Monterey Jack! #
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Josh, what have you done with the cheeses?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I've eaten 'em all, cocker.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Camembert!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24NATHAN SOBS
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Halloumi!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Gouda!
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Why are you crying?
0:23:30 > 0:23:35And now the magnificent quiz we like to call...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Matthew Always-Correct,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46inside each of these storage units lies a fun challenge.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50If you do well at the challenge, you might just win yourself a holiday.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Are you ready for that, cocker? - I can always handle a holiday.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54In that case, let's crack on
0:23:54 > 0:23:57because I'm sure everyone at home is keen to find out...
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Please pick your first storage unit.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05I'm going to go for the handbag.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Good choice, the side cabinet it is.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Lean over to said side cabinet and fling it open.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Inside you'll see an item. Lift it out.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21This game is entitled Who Is That Potato?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23We've dressed up a potato like a famous celebrity
0:24:23 > 0:24:26but you must guess, who is that potato?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Red hair, winking, glasses,
0:24:30 > 0:24:31black dress.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Is it Johnny Rotten?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I'm sorry, Matthew. You are incorrect.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- It's actually Anne Robinson.- Oh! - Who is your co-star from Watchdog.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42All right, sling Anne back in the cupboard and shut the door.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Just sling her in, cocker. There she goes.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Reet, me old cockers, time to pick your second storage unit.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- The cake tin.- The wardrobe it is!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Come on out, Accordion George!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56# It's Accordion George
0:24:56 > 0:24:59# It's Accordion George
0:24:59 > 0:25:01# It's Accordion George
0:25:01 > 0:25:02# Acky G! #
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Yes, Accordion George will play you a lovely, lovely tune
0:25:06 > 0:25:09on his accordion and you have to guess what he's playing.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Is that easy to understand? - I can just about get that.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Crack on, Accordion George!
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Right, Matthew Allwright, what was it?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Is it Get Lucky by Daft Punk?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31It very much was not, my dear.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Let's find out what it was.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35MUSIC: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Ha-ha! It was Beyonce and All The Single Ladies.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41You let me reet down there.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Thank you, George.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46All right, George, don't milk it. Shut the doors, please.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Go on, get the doors shut. Go on.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51All right, Matthew, it's now time to pick your final storage unit.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54What will it be?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I'm going to go for the watering can.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Good choice. The hatbox it is!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Quickfire!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Let's go! Ahem.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05If you get all these questions correct, your name would be Matt...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06- All right!- Correct!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10What have The One Show, Four O'Clock Club and News At Ten got in common?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11They all have numbers in the title.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13They all have words in the title.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16What have The One Show, Four O'Clock Club and News At Ten got in common?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17They all have words in the...?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19They were all mentioned in the last question.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21What show do you get if you cross watch with a dog?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Is it Watchdog?
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Timepiece Canine.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Laminate flooring. Discuss.- What?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- Which way?- Uh...- Who did it? Do you want fries with that?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Hidden cameras! Surveillance? Get off the van!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33KLAXON SOUNDS
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Well done! Time's up! Derek, how did he do?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38He scored four billion and seventy-six, Hacker!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I don't know how that happened!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43But it doesn't matter, cockers, for you have won the holiday.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Yes, a weekend in...
0:26:45 > 0:26:49a stone quarry! What do you think of that, Matthew Allwright?
0:26:49 > 0:26:50I don't want to go to a stone quarry.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Tough. It doesn't matter what you think, cockers.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I have little to no interest in your welfare. Herman, take him away.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Yes, Mr Hacker. Come on, then.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- No, I don't want to go!- Yes you do. Get him to the stone quarry.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03This is not all right!
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Ha! Yeah...
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Cheers for watching, cockers!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I'm off now to sculpt a full-scale model of Portsmouth
0:27:08 > 0:27:10out of extra-lean mince.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12All that's left is for me to sing my trademark song.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Join in, cockers. Or else!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# It's been amazing, we've been larking around
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# I was joined by Matt Allwright, who sat here patiently
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Till he got hit by a giant weight
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# And was scarred for life by some exploding stationery!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# That is it for now, the end of the show
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Oh! That's the worst television programme I've ever seen!