0:00:03 > 0:00:07'Hacker Time is filmed in front of an audience of unwilling volunteers.'
0:00:07 > 0:00:10So, has anyone got any ideas for today's show?
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I could reverse a van?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14And I could say, "Yes, Mr Hacker."
0:00:14 > 0:00:16I could go "Yaaaaa!"
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Yes, that's all in, of course it is. What else could we do?
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Oh, we could do a big song and dance number.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Maybe we could do a big song and dance number. What else?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27The song could have a lemon in it...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30I know, the song could have a lemon in it! Yes.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Anything else?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Oh, I don't know, maybe you could copy some more of my ideas.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I know! We could all copy Lolly's ideas!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Copy 'em, yeah, good idea!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Or maybe we could all attack Derek with a wet fish!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I know! Everyone could attack Derek with a wet fish! Yes!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Uh-oh. Oh, no!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Oh, they're moist! Mind me glasses!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Hoo-hoo! Run the titles! Hoo-hoo!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03# You gotta watch this
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# You gotta watch this
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# You gotta watch this
0:01:12 > 0:01:15# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard
0:01:15 > 0:01:17# Makes me say Oh, my word!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# Thank you for watching me It's telly
0:01:19 > 0:01:20# But not what you normally see
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# It feels good And there's out-takes, too
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# Comedy, guests and clips It's true
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# Ha! You can't touch
0:01:29 > 0:01:30# Stop! Hacker Time! #
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Thank you.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35THUNDER CRASHES
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Finally my creation is complete!
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Hacker, stop messing about creating life, will you?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42We've got a show to do.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Oh... Oh, hoo-hoo...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Yes that's right, I've created a clone of meself.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56He'll be performing all of my duties from now on. Ha-ha!
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I've named him...
0:01:57 > 0:01:58THUNDER CRASHES
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Evil Hacker!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I'm sure only good will come of this!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Hate...Hacker!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Get back! Get back!
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Oh, no, stop it!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, no! Stop it, no!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16EVIL HACKER GROWLS
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, no! Stop it, yes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Oh, no. Stop... No.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28This is a disaster! What if he eats Hacker?!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Their stupidity will get the better of them before long.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Oh!
0:02:33 > 0:02:34See?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Where did Evil Hacker go?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Maybe he let himself out.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I'm sure he won't be bothering us any more.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It would appear that creating a human from scratch
0:02:46 > 0:02:49isn't as simple as you'd think, cockers.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52It's a good job today's guest is a science expert.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Send 'em in, Larry...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Sure thing, Hacker.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01today's special guest is a genius when it comes
0:03:01 > 0:03:03to scientific breakthroughs.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05It's...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Bob the Job!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Oh, here we go.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Hi, Hacker! - Who on earth are you?!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Fran Scott. Derek called me and said you needed
0:03:12 > 0:03:15someone to come and talk about science.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I thought we were getting my mate Bob the Job in!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18He's quite the inventor, you know.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22He'll come round your house and put a bit of paper under your table leg
0:03:22 > 0:03:23when it's a tad wobbly.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I bet you can't do that!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Yeah, I can, Hacker.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- You can?- Yeah.- Right, you just stay there, cocker.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32There's obviously been some sort of terrible mix-up.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Oh. And if you see an evil version of me milling about,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39whatever you do, don't feed it!
0:03:39 > 0:03:40THUNDER CRASHES
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Derek!
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Derek! There's a lady in the studio and I have no idea who she is.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It's Fran Scott!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Yeah, people keep saying those words,
0:03:50 > 0:03:51but I don't know what they mean, cocker.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- You're making me look like a right fool here, McGee!- You are a fool!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Would a fool create an evil clone of himself?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Yes.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Good point.- Just watch this.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Fran Scott is a science expert who uses her knowledge
0:04:05 > 0:04:08to explain things in a fun and in informative way.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Most recently, she helped Dick and Dom
0:04:10 > 0:04:12learn a thing or two in Absolute Genius.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15She must be good. Look, they're actually listening for once.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Hoo-hoo! Although what she's trying to teach them here I'll never know.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21She also does the science bits on How To Be Epic At Everything.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24And that's all you need to know about Fran Scott.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27How does she know so much about science?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Go out there and find out.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Do you know what? I'm going to go out there and find out! Oh, yes!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It's that way, as per usual.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37'..my genius invention.'
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It's a Tea-A-Tron 7,000.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yeah, it brews tea whilst firing your homework to the moon,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45so you don't have to do it!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I love it! This is genius!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Herman?- Yeah? - Get out of here, will you?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Stop trying to get out of your tea and homework duties. Go on, get off!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Get out of my sight! - Bye, Herman.- Bye.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Oh, Frank. I'm sorry about earlier.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59That's OK.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02But I'm sure we're going to have a great time together.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Two genii together!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05It's geniuses, Hacker.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Yeah, whatever, Fran.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Larry, tell us what's happening on today's show.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13You could say that this show is the mother of all invention,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16because coming up on today's Hacker Time...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19'Fran reveals her favourite experiment...'
0:05:19 > 0:05:20I once blew up a toilet.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21'..Hacker pulls a face...'
0:05:23 > 0:05:26'..and Sheriff T Dog ends up behind bars.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29'All this and more on Hacker Time.'
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Looks good, that, don't it, Fran? I might watch that show.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Now, Fran, Absolute Genius is all about really,
0:05:36 > 0:05:37really clever people, isn't it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Yeah.- And you're an there being really, really clever, showing us
0:05:40 > 0:05:44really, really clever stuff. But what I want to know is...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Why has it got two total idiots like Dick and Dom presenting it?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50FRAN LAUGHS
0:05:50 > 0:05:52They're not actually idiots.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54They're really clever, but they're just
0:05:54 > 0:05:55very clever at playing idiots.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Well, I do know them and I know that's a falsity.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02What I like in the show is when you make things explode, like this.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07That's it, that's it. Three...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09DOM SCREAMS ..two, one...
0:06:09 > 0:06:10- EXPLOSION - Aaargh!
0:06:10 > 0:06:11THEY LAUGH
0:06:11 > 0:06:13# Boom, shake, shake, shake the room
0:06:13 > 0:06:15# Tick, tick, tick, tick, boom! #
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I've always said that aren't enough programmes on TV
0:06:18 > 0:06:20with exploding presenters.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Seriously, though, don't try that at home.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Actually, I've got a methane-based demonstration of my own.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Oh, dear.- Get them on your mush!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Is he about to do what I think he is?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33No, no.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34- Here we go.- Oh, no.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38PFFFT PFFFT
0:06:39 > 0:06:41FRAN LAUGHS
0:06:41 > 0:06:42PFFFT PFFFT
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Ahhh.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Just as I thought.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Another excuse for a trump joke.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51'What do you think of that, Fran?'
0:06:51 > 0:06:54That was... That was brilliant.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Brilliant science. Lovely. - It was top-notch science.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Now, in Absolute Genius, right,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02you did an episode all about Isaac Newton.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03- Yeah, we did. - The man who invented gravity.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Well, he found gravity. He discovered it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07He didn't invent it. But go on.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Yeah, yeah, all right, cocker.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10What I really want to know is this...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14..what colour were his undercrackers?
0:07:14 > 0:07:15FRAN LAUGHS
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Rainbow coloured.- How interesting.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Now, you also did an episode about Archimedes,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24the famous mathematician and engineer, didn't you?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26But what I really want to know is...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Hang on, hang on. What colour were his underpants?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31No, of course not. Why would I want to know that, love?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I want to know whether his greatest invention,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36the Archimedes screw, is still relevant in the modern day?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Yeah, yeah. I'd say it is, yes. - Brilliant!
0:07:39 > 0:07:42All right, don't harp on, love. Next question.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You're not the only one that's been on a science show, you know?
0:07:45 > 0:07:46- I was in one once.- Were you?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Oh, yes. BBC One's Bang Goes the Theory.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52It didn't go too well!
0:07:52 > 0:07:57Here we go. Just settle down in my lovely straw holiday home.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Nice milky brew and nothing whatsoever to bother me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Three, two, one.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12BANG
0:08:12 > 0:08:14EXPLOSION
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Oh, yes!- Oh, no!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18'Call me hopeful, but there
0:08:18 > 0:08:20'was definitely something there.'
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Yeah! It was me having a nicer brew.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Honestly, what are you playing at?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Oh! Oh!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Oh, what do you think of that, then, Fran?- That was brilliant.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I've seen that before, though, right,
0:08:33 > 0:08:37and I don't remember you being in it as much as that, or at all.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I was pulling bits of straw out of me soft furnishings for days, love.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And that's not all. There was this time I thought up
0:08:42 > 0:08:44my best invention yet.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I've invented this. A new calculator!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Oh, look, look. I'm sorry.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55The numbers, they just don't add up. I'm out.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01So, if you do need any more genii for the next series, I am available!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Yeah, it's still geniuses, though.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Fran, I'm just a showbiz dog.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I can't be expected to know all about science
0:09:07 > 0:09:09AND be good with words.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Now, all this chat has exhausted me.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Larry, what's up next?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17It's time to mosey on down to Cockers' Creek for another
0:09:17 > 0:09:20instalment of Tales from the Mild West.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24And today, someone's causing trouble for Sheriff T Dog.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28HORSE WHINNIES
0:09:28 > 0:09:31# Long ago on the old frontier
0:09:31 > 0:09:32# There lived a man with floppy ears
0:09:32 > 0:09:35# The sheriff of Cockers' Creek
0:09:35 > 0:09:37# Where the mud was fine but the air was bleak
0:09:37 > 0:09:39# Where some were good but some were pests
0:09:39 > 0:09:42# That's what you get when you live
0:09:42 > 0:09:44# In the mild, mild West
0:09:44 > 0:09:45# Yee-haw! #
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Sheriff, Sheriff!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Somebody call the sheriff!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Look no further, Mrs Gold mine!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I shall call him for you! A-hem.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Sheriff!- But you are the sheriff, Sheriff!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- SQUEAKY VOICE:- Oh, yeah!
0:10:11 > 0:10:12What can I do for you?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16You have to do is stop that villainous cowboy Eddie Two-Knees.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17- He's out of control!- Oh?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24What's he'd done gone done now?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Well, for a start, he's been tampering with Whiffy Bob's beans.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Oh! What did he put in 'em?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32More beans.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36PFFT
0:10:36 > 0:10:38THEY SCREAM
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Save us! Somebody save us! Oh!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47That's why they call him Whiffy Bob!
0:10:47 > 0:10:51What else has this Eddie Two-Knees done gone been gone and done?
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Well, I hate to say it, but he was caught spitting in the hotel.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57SHERIFF GASPS
0:10:58 > 0:11:00HE SPITS
0:11:00 > 0:11:01SPIT PINGS
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Hoo-hoo! For a minute there, I thought it was going to hit me...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Oh!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Well, it was only Derek.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- It's not like Eddie's committing any major crimes.- Oh, yeah?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Well, guess what?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18He's only gone and defaced your office sign!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22SHERIFF GASPS
0:11:22 > 0:11:23How did he know my real name?!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26So, now are you going to do something about it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Well, I would, but I'll never catch him red-handed!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32His hands are clearly blue!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'll do it myself!
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Come here, you! With your blue-handed nonsense!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Oh! Doesn't he have lovely handwriting?
0:11:50 > 0:11:55I can't believe I've been in here for 25...
0:11:55 > 0:12:00minutes! Why are you making me wear this comedy beard?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Get over it, Two-Knees!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Cos you're staying in there for ever!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Ha-ha-ha!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Sheriff?- Yeah?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Knock knock.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Who's there?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Why don't you open the door and find out?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22All right then, I will...
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Wait a minute. You won't fool me that easily!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Sheriff?- Yeah?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37It's getting awful hot in here.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Could you open the door and let some air in?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Why, certainly!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Oh, no, you don't!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Listen here, Two-Knees!
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Whatever you say or do, I am not opening that door!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Free chips! Wey-hey!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I must open the door!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Wait!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Hold it right there.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Er... Yeah?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Are you not going to have a chip, Eddie?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26No, thanks, Sheriff.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I'm cutting down on carbs at the moment.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30All right, then.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Well, lock the door on your way out, will you?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- It's awfully draughty through these bars.- Certainly.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44HE LAUGHS
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Oh, I can't believe I've fallen for this.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52These free chips are invisible.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54How could this day get any worse?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57PFFFT
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Hey, fancy some beans, son?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04PFFFT
0:14:05 > 0:14:08# That's what you get when you live
0:14:08 > 0:14:10# In the mild, mild West
0:14:10 > 0:14:12# Yee-haw! #
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Hey, I made that meself, cocker!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- I suppose you could say that I invented that.- You could say that.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Now, have you ever done an experiment
0:14:19 > 0:14:21that you've lived to regret?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Erm... I...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- I once blew up a toilet.- Exciting! - That didn't go really quite to plan.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I once blocked up a toilet. Oh, yes, madam, yes.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Well, once, I invented an evil version of myself, you know?- Right.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It was earlier today, actually.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I never did find out what happened to Evil Hacker.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40GROWLING
0:14:40 > 0:14:42THUNDER CRASHES
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Oh, no! Evil Hacker!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45He's so evil! Get off me!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47No, no!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Oh, Derek, it's a disaster! Do something!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I'll put the emergency tape on.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54We can't let people see this.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55BUTTON BUZZES
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Hoo-hoo! Hey?
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Derek McGee here with another episode of Derek Time.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07And today's show is a home appliance special. Hoo-hoo!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10First, my mate Rancid Bill has found a great new way
0:15:10 > 0:15:12of getting rid of his dog breath.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Yes, go on!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Blow that smelly, wheaty breath away.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Look, he's loving it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Evil cat tries out new mode of transport.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Hoo-hoo! Oh, look at that villainous cat go.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25What an evil feline!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Who do you think you're looking at,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Mr Dog? Take that! Hoo-hoo!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34And, finally, chameleon finds out about his excessive phone bill.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Watch his face.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38'Aaaaargh!'
0:15:38 > 0:15:40But now, forget about all that,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43cos you're going to be amazed at what I show you next.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Hoo-hoo! Oh, yes, it's time for this.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Derek! Have you been using this mobile phone?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52There's £88 spent here calling somebody called Lolly!
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Who is this Lolly?!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Oh, no-one, Mother! No-one!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59She's just... See you soon, my little owls!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Oh, the tape's finished, Lolly.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05OK, everyone. On air in three, two, one...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Right, I'm sure that's the last we'll be seeing of Evil Hacker.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I'm sorry about him, Fran.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12During all that hullabaloo, I was thinking,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15do you know in Absolute Genius you look at famous inventions and that?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Yeah?- Well, they're all a bit pointless, aren't they?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19They're not, they're not.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Cos every machine that we've got has been invented at some point.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Well, you say that, but...
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Hoo-yeah!
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Ha!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# Someone invented the wheel
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# Some folk know how to make steel
0:16:33 > 0:16:34# My bedroom light
0:16:34 > 0:16:36# Keeps me safe at night
0:16:36 > 0:16:39# But really, what's the big deal?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42# I don't care for inventions
0:16:42 > 0:16:45# The best one yet is me
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# Can the motor car engine
0:16:48 > 0:16:50# Do this with its face?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54# The internet is all right
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# Some brothers pioneered flight
0:16:56 > 0:17:00# The telephone bores my bones
0:17:00 > 0:17:03# Do we even need light?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# I'm so adorably cute
0:17:06 > 0:17:09# Try telling that to the wheel
0:17:09 > 0:17:12# The best invention so far
0:17:12 > 0:17:14# It has to be me! # Yeah!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16GROWLING
0:17:16 > 0:17:17THUNDER CRASHES
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Not you! Get out!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Come on! Get out!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23What do you think, Fran?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Well, it was a bit self-centred, to be honest. And apart from...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Think about it, if it wasn't for the wheel, in a roundabout way,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33there wouldn't be television and you would have this show.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- No show?- No show.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I love the wheel, baby!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Tell us what's coming up, Larry.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Stick around, folks, because still to come on today's Hacker Time...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48'We've got explosions...'
0:17:48 > 0:17:50EXPLOSION
0:17:50 > 0:17:51'..detentions...'
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Detention?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55'..and, of course, we've got Accordion George.'
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Hi, George!
0:17:56 > 0:18:00All still to come on Hacker Time!
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Now, to tell you all about the time I met a very interesting swan.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06'One morning, I was walking down by the river, right,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08'and this swan wandered up to me and said,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- '"Hi, are you Hacker T Dog..."' - Oh, here she comes!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Don't mess up, Wilf. Don't mess it up, son!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Wilf, are you free this evening?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Yes, of course I am, yeah!- Oh, good.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I've taken the liberty of booking a table for dinner...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- ECHO:- 'Table for dinner, table for dinner... '
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Oh, Lolly!
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- Is 7pm OK for you? - Oh, yes, anything!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38This is the best moment of my life!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Why? Haven't you ever given anyone a lift before?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42P-P-Pardon?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Well, I'm asking you if you'll give me
0:18:45 > 0:18:47and my date a lift to the restaurant.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Oh, you should see him.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52He's so dreamy!
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Oh, here he is now.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55THUNDER CRASHES
0:18:55 > 0:18:56See? Oh!
0:18:58 > 0:18:59I'll fire up the van.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- Oh, there you are, Fran!- Hello.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I see you found my secret laboratory.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- Of course.- I see you've brought some of your science stuff down here too.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Can you show me some of the science?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Of course I can show you some science!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- But I found these. - Oh, my mum's roses.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Mind if I use them? - She loves a couple of red roses.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20- Does she?- Yeah.- Can I use them?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23As long as you don't damage them, 'course you can use them.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yeah, I won't damage them. Yeah. Much.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27But you might want to stand back a little bit for the science.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- All the way over there?- Yeah, yeah.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- By Eric the skeleton?- Yeah, by Eric.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32All right. Ah, Eric!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I'll stand by you, I don't know what will happen now.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Well, what I've got here is... I think you'll quite like this stuff.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41This is liquid nitrogen. Wooo!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Oh, it's good, ain't it?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47It is and it's minus 196 degrees Celsius.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Oh, that's chilly, isn't it?- That is chilly!
0:19:49 > 0:19:55So, it's so cold that you can freeze things in seconds.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57It's going to freeze the roses.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Freeze them? What do you mean? - Freeze them. Well...
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- Let's have a look. - As long as you don't smash them
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- on the desk, I'm happy. - Of course I won't. What, like this?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09No! Madam! My mother will be furious!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- I've got an experiment that will put you on cloud nine.- Oh, what is it?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Well, go and stand back again. It's a bit dangerous.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16- By Eric?- Yeah, by Eric.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Right, well, here I've got a bowl of boiling water.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22So, this liquid nitrogen will cool down the gassy water.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Oh, wow! It's a cloud!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Hey! I'll come and have a look at that.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28It's exactly like the clouds up in the sky, as well.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- But lower!- But lower, yeah, you're right.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Have you got any more experiments you can show me?- I have.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I've got something that's a little bit louder
0:20:36 > 0:20:38and a little bit more dangerous than this.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Oh, lovely. I'll get myself to a safer distance.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42I don't want to get hit on
0:20:42 > 0:20:44the head by any rogue debris!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46No, you don't. SHE LAUGHS
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Ready!- Good, OK.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Just going to pour this
0:20:50 > 0:20:52liquid nitrogen into the bottle.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I much prefer it here behind the safety of me old desk.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Put the lid on nice and tight.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I'm going to pop it in here.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01You all right there, Hacker? You following, yeah?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- I'm going to pop these balls on top. - Yeah!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07'Get to a safe distance.'
0:21:07 > 0:21:09DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:10 > 0:21:11EXPLOSION
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Oh!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Wow! That was amazing!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Did you like it?- Yeah, I loved it.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- And I didn't get hit by any rogue debris!- That's true!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Oh!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Debris!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33That was amazing, weren't it, Lolly?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Oh, it was all right.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39What are you talking about, Lolly? She's amazing!
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Oh, can we see what else is on?
0:21:40 > 0:21:44No, we absolutely cannot!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47'Next I'm show you three ways to dice a courgette salad.'
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Yuck. No.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh, maybe.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Moist towelette...
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Moist towelette?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Oh, yes.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Right, Josh. Sit down for your detention.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Detention? Can't wait!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00What do you mean, "Can't wait"?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02It's detention!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I know! I love all the joyous
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and definitely not boring things we do in detention!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# D is for detention rules
0:22:10 > 0:22:12# E is for enjoy yourself
0:22:12 > 0:22:14# T is for take photos with your mates
0:22:14 > 0:22:15# E is for eat sweets and cakes
0:22:15 > 0:22:17# N is for not going home on time
0:22:17 > 0:22:19# T is for transcribe this rhyme
0:22:19 > 0:22:21# I - I sculpted O - origami
0:22:21 > 0:22:23# N's for noise Make lots of noise then
0:22:23 > 0:22:24# D-E-T-E-N
0:22:24 > 0:22:26# T-I-O-N
0:22:26 > 0:22:27# Detention is my best friend
0:22:27 > 0:22:29# I don't see it as a punishment
0:22:29 > 0:22:31# D-E-T-E-N
0:22:31 > 0:22:32# T-I-O-N
0:22:32 > 0:22:34# Detention is the place to be
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# Nathan, don't you agree? #
0:22:36 > 0:22:40No, Josh! And none of those things happen in detention either!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Oh, no?
0:22:43 > 0:22:44# D-E-T-E-N
0:22:44 > 0:22:46# T-I-O-N
0:22:46 > 0:22:48# Detention is my best friend
0:22:48 > 0:22:50# I don't see it as a punishment
0:22:50 > 0:22:51# D-E-T-E-N
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# T-I-O-N
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# Detention is the place to be
0:22:55 > 0:22:56# Nathan, don't you agree? #
0:22:56 > 0:22:58No!
0:22:58 > 0:22:59BELL RINGS
0:22:59 > 0:23:04And now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for,
0:23:04 > 0:23:08the thrilling climax of today's show, the stupendous,
0:23:08 > 0:23:13the amazing, the magnificent quiz we like to call...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15CHOIR SINGS
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Yes, welcome to my quiz, Fran.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Inside each of these storage units lies a fun challenge.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27If you do well, you might just win yourself a holiday.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29What do you think about that, cocker?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I could quite do with a holiday.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Yeah, you look a little bit withered.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34In that case, let's crack on,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36because everyone at home is dying to find out...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38CHOIR SINGS
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Come on. We've not got all day, cocker.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I'm going to go for this pretty hatbox.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Good choice! The side cabinet it is.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Open it aloft and peer within. - This one?
0:23:50 > 0:23:51- That's the one.- OK.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55This challenge is entitled What Is It?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Now, reach in, lift it out and tell me what is it?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00What is it?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04This, I think it's some type of...calculator?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Incorrect! It was actually a bigger version of this.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Still don't know what it does.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- Well done. You can put it back in the cupboard.- OK.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Sling it in and shut the door. - Sling it in and shut the door.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20It's now time, Fran, to pick your next storage unit. Which will it be?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- The wardrobe, please. - Oh, good choice, cocker!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Come on out, George!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28# It's Accordion John
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# It's Accordion John
0:24:31 > 0:24:32# It's Accordion John. #
0:24:32 > 0:24:34George!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Oh, it's George! Yes.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Say hello to Accordion George, Fran.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Hi, George!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42George is going to play you a lovely tune on his accordion
0:24:42 > 0:24:44and you have to guess what that tune is.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45- Have you got it?- Yeah, I've got it.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47All right, listen carefully, Fran.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Take it away, Acco George!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52HE PLAYS POP TUNE ON ACCORDION
0:25:04 > 0:25:07All right, well done, George. What was it, Fran?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- It was Katy Perry, Firework. - Good guess!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Let's find out if you're right or not right.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16# Baby, you're a firework
0:25:16 > 0:25:20# Come on, let your colours burst
0:25:20 > 0:25:22# Make them go... #
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Correct! You were correct! Stop that.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I much preferred George's version. But yes, you are correct!
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- Give Accordion George a big wave, Fran!- Bye, George!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34See you, George! All right, shut the doors, cocker! Don't milk your part.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Right, Fran. Now, pick your final storage unit.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Which one will it be?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40It's going to be the suitcase at the end.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Good choice! The hatbox it is!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44EVIL HACKER GROWLS
0:25:44 > 0:25:46By that, he means Quick Fire!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Name someone that is in the double act Dick and Dom.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Dick.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- What is the best invention? - Erm...- Me!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I made it quite clear in that song earlier.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Yeah, sorry. The plane. - Name an absolute genius.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Er... Hacker!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Correct. What's the best thing about physics?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02That... Erm, erm...
0:26:02 > 0:26:03The big P!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05What's your greatest achievement?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06My greatest achievement?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Setting rockets on fire with my finger.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Coming on Hacker Time is the answer.- Sorry.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11- Knock knock?- Who's there?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14How am I to know that when we're meant to be doing telly, love?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16We haven't got time for messing about!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20what's my uncle's name?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Jeff.- No, he happens to be called Uncle Tree.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Am I science? Why is chemistry?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Who is chemistry? Why does chemistry keep calling? I'm sick of it!
0:26:28 > 0:26:29I need to change my number!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Why do you think I should get
0:26:31 > 0:26:33chemistry's number blocked on my phone?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Tell me that! - KLAXON BLARES
0:26:35 > 0:26:37time's up! Time's up! How did she do, Derek?
0:26:37 > 0:26:41She did so well, we've decided to give her an honorary degree.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42I don't know what he's talking about,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44but I know that you're going to Wigan!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Herman, get her out of here!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Yes, Mr Hacker.- Wigan? I'm going to Wigan?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51My hometown Wigan. Go on!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Now? I'm going to Wigan now?- Bye-bye!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Thanks for watching my little show today.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I'm off now to work on a science project.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I've decided to invent pasta shaped like the alphabet.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03If it doesn't catch on, I'll eat my words!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Hey? Good gag! Right, I'm going to sing me song. Sing along, cocker!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09You know the words. Oh!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# It's been amazing We've been larking around
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# The whole programme cost just under a pound
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# Watch again next time cos we've got much more
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:32 > 0:27:36# Fran from Absolute Genius Popped in and joined the gang
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# I'm still not sure what science is
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# But she covered me in debris When she made stuff ker-bang
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# That is it for now The end of the show
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# I'll see you next time on this show of mine
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:27:56 > 0:27:58EVIL HACKER GROWLS
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd