0:00:03 > 0:00:07'Hacker Time is filmed before a distressed studio audience.'
0:00:07 > 0:00:11So, is everyone happy with the script for this week's episode?
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Well, actually, I've got a few tiny changes I'd like to make.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18Go on, then, Hacker. It's always good to hear your input.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20- Well, you see all the jokes and script?- Yes.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23I think we should get rid of them. Oh.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27- THEY GASP - And you see the big celebrity guest?- Yes.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I think we should get rid of them, too.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- THEY GASP - And you see all the trumping and the falling over
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- and the big song and dance number? - ALL: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- Gone, I tells you. All gone. - ALL: Oh!
0:00:40 > 0:00:45- Unbelievable! - And what does that leave us with?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Just me.- But what are you going to do for half an hour?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Maybe wrestle a flock of angry kestrels.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Oh, no! Oh, he's lost it.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Well, you are the star of the show, Mr Hacker,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00so I suppose you can do whatever you want.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Great. I'll tell the boys.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Boys, we're on. Wait! Boys, boys, what are you doing?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Ooh, no! Ooh, boys, no.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
0:01:12 > 0:01:19Oh. Pah! Plan A it is, then. Agh.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer
0:01:23 > 0:01:25# You've got to watch this
0:01:27 > 0:01:28# You've got to watch this
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# You've got to watch this!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# My, my, my
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# Programme hits you so hard
0:01:37 > 0:01:38# Makes me say, "Oh, my word"
0:01:38 > 0:01:40# Thank you for watching me
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# It's telly But not what you normally see
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# It feels good There's out-takes, too
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# Comedy, guests and friends it's true
0:01:46 > 0:01:50# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show you can't touch
0:01:50 > 0:01:52# Hacker Time. #
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Thank you.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59OK, everyone, on air in ten seconds. Hacker.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Oh, Hacker, what are you doing?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I'm having my pre-show fizzy pop, cocker.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09- Oh, dear. This isn't going to end well.- Cue, Hacker.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Welcome to the show, ladies and...
0:02:11 > 0:02:12HE BURPS
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- That's disgusting. - I'm sorry about that.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Welcome to the show, ladies and... - HE BURPS
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That one smells of Cornish pasty.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Oh, as I was saying.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Welcome to the show, ladies and...
0:02:25 > 0:02:29HE BURPS THROUGHOUT
0:02:29 > 0:02:33THEY SHRIEK
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oh.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39BURP CONTINUES
0:02:39 > 0:02:45- Excuse me.- Oh, Derek, that was a total disaster.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49I know, he was meant to burp four times, not three!
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Now I've got that off my chest, it's time to introduce today's guest.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- It's... - HE BURPS
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Oh, on second thoughts, Larry, why don't you introduce him, cockers.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Sure thing, Hacker.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Please welcome one of the most famous men in Great Britain,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14who also lives on the most famous street in Great Britain.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16It's...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18The UK Prime Minister.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21FANFARE FIZZLES OUT
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Hold on a minute.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Prime Minister, You could have dressed for the occasion.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Look at the state of you.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm not the Prime Minister, I'm Andy Whyment, Kirk from Coronation Street.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33All right, all right, calm down. Just wait there a minute.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Derek, what's going on here?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37What's all this about?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Why is that man claiming he doesn't run the country?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Because he doesn't, Hacker. He's a soap star.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I don't understand all this political chat, Derek.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Well, take a look at this then.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Andy Whyment is an actor who plays Kirk Sutherland
0:03:52 > 0:03:53in Coronation Street.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Over the years, his storylines have included a romance with Julie.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Oh, look. She's wearing a busy blouse.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Having sweaty armpits while standing in the Rovers
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and leading a Victorian pickpocket gang.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08And that's everything you need to know about Andy Whyment.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Well, that clears everything up, doesn't it, cocker?
0:04:11 > 0:04:16- I shall make my journey back to the studio.- It's that way.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I knew that. Every time!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It's great to see you again, Andy.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Are we still on for a curry later?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Definitely, yeah, I'm going to get a chicken jalfrezi,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27plenty of poppadoms.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Oh, yeah.- Vindaloo?!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Oh, well, I'm sorry about him, Andy. He's not all there.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- He's not all that there! - He's right, Andy. I'm not all there.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- But I am the star of the show so, Herman, get out.- All right.
0:04:43 > 0:04:50- I'll see you later, Andy. I'll save you a poppadom.- Don't bother.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted, Andy,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55it's lovely having you on the show.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I'm a massive fan of your work in Emmerdale.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59You're great with Paddy.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Oh, no, er, Coronation Street. - Whatever.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Larry, quick, tell us what's coming up.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09We will be getting into a lather of some good, clean fun,
0:05:09 > 0:05:14because today's Hacker Time is all about soap.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- There's high drama.- This is a cafe, you've got to have a ham roll.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Startling discoveries.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Whale vomit smells of whale vomit.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25And moggy mayhem.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29All this and more on Hacker Time.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32What a visual and sonic treat, isn't it, cockers?
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Are you looking forward to that, Andy?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Are you looking forward to it, Andy?- I am, yeah.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It is now time for my first proper, serious question.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42HE BURPS
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Oh! That stinks of Cornish pasty.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Sorry, Andy.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51That fizzy pop is still repeating on me. Right, next serious question.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Coronation Street, at the start of every episode,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56why does that cat always jump off the roof?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58It's been part of the titles for years.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's not very realistic, though, is it, cockers?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04When do you ever see cats falling from the sky?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05CAT MEOWS
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Oh. Sorry about that, Andy. We've got a leak in the ceiling.
0:06:09 > 0:06:14- Now, Coronation Street is a soap opera, isn't it, Andrew?- Yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18But I must admit, it isn't the best soap opera I've ever watched.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22OPERATIC SINGING
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- AUDIENCE APPLAUSE - Bravo, bar of soap, bravo.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You should have seen the finale.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34It was a duet between a flannel and a stick of deodorant.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39Moving on. Can you do any impressions of your Corrie co-stars?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- I'll have a little go at Dev for you.- Go on, do Dev.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Listen to me, baby, OK!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I'm listening, go on, do the impression.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I've just done it. That was the impression.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Dreadful that.- Thanks!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Now, your character Kirk is a bit daft.- He is a bit.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57But are you that daft in real life?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I'd like to say I'm not as daft in real life,
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- but I'd like to say as I'm as lovable as Kirk is.- Aw.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Andy, do you remember when I was a regular on Corrie?- No.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I played Eileen's on-again off-again boyfriend.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Have a look at this, cocker.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Time to get back together with Eileen, I think.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Hang on a minute.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- They're talking about me in there.- Better off without him.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Yeah, good riddance, bad rubbish.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Oh, how rude, I can't believe what they're saying.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25I never really liked him.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- Now you tell me.- Well, all those flipping awful bomber jackets.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32One in navy, one in buff.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36How dare he? This shade is called biscuit.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38He never had anything in buff!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Buff or biscuit, one of them nondescript colours.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It was like some old codger's cast-offs.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46HE SQUEALS
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Hark at Gok Wan! - And you've got to admit,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- his hair was a bit weird, wasn't it?- That does it!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I'll go and see if Deirdre's available instead.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- What do you think, Andy Whyment? - Terrible.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- The way they talked about you, Hacker.- I was furious for a time.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- I bet you were. - One final, very important question.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08What is the weather going to be like today?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I've heard it's going to be raining.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13That is interesting, because I heard the same thing.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I heard it was going to be raining cats and, well, cats.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17THUNDER CLAP
0:08:17 > 0:08:19MEOWING
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Oh, no. Quick, Larry. Find a distraction.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Yee ha!
0:08:26 > 0:08:31It's time for another rootin' tootin' tale from the Mild West.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35HORSE NEIGHS
0:08:35 > 0:08:37# Long ago on the old frontier
0:08:37 > 0:08:39# There lived a man with floppy ears
0:08:39 > 0:08:41# The Sheriff of Cockers' Creek
0:08:41 > 0:08:44# Where the mud was fine But the air was bleak
0:08:44 > 0:08:46# Where some were good But some were pests
0:08:46 > 0:08:48# That's what you get When you live
0:08:48 > 0:08:50# In the Mild, Mild west... #
0:08:53 > 0:08:58That'll be a 1.29 for the tinned critter stew, please, Sheriff.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Very reasonable.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02SHE SIGHS
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Why so glum, Mrs Goldmine?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Oh, Sheriff, it's the Cockers' Creek hoedown
0:09:07 > 0:09:14and curry night tonight and I have nobody to go with. I'm so lonely.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16So very, very lonely.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18SHE SOBS
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Ah. That's a shame.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24See you, then.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27If only I had a handsome man to share
0:09:27 > 0:09:30all my millions of dollars with.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36CASH REGISTER RINGS REPEATEDLY
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Mrs Goldmine, will you stop opening and closing that that there till?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Sorry, I totally forgot myself.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53So, Thelma, what time should I pick you up tonight?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Don't listen to him.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I'm taking you to the hoedown.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- No, I am.- No, I am.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- No, I am.- No, I am.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06I'm taking...
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Stop it!
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Gentlemen, please!
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Oh, you broke a nail.
0:10:13 > 0:10:20I will choose who takes me out, but first, I must put you to the test.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28Firstly, my ideal man must be brave as brave can be.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31What do you want us to do, arm wrestle an angry buffalo?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Have a heated discussion with a stubborn ferret?
0:10:34 > 0:10:38No, you must give whiffy Bob his annual bath.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46No way. That man smells of chicken fat mixed with whale vomit.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Where's the Sheriff?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Ha ha! Whale vomit smells of whale vomit.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Ha ha!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Time for the next challenge.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02I want you to show me how romantic you can be.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Funny you should say that, because I happened to have got you this.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09A piece of ham shaped like a heart.
0:11:09 > 0:11:15- Ain't it pretty?- Why, Eddie, I just love hearts and I also love ham.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18You sure know how to treat a lady.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22SHE EATS NOISILY
0:11:22 > 0:11:24MUFFLED SPEECH
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Oh, yeah? But can he hold an extremely heavy door open for you?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36THEY GROAN
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Uh-oh.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Hey, Eddie, have you got any of that ham left?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Well, you're both neck and neck,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46so it's time for the final test.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50I want to find out who has the strongest bladder.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Whoever can drink the most milky brews
0:11:52 > 0:11:54without going to the toilet wins.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Ha! Easy. Derek, line them up.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Ho-ho! Coming up, my little owls.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04CUP SHATTERS
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Give me another.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09CUP SHATTERS
0:12:09 > 0:12:11And another.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- CUP SHATTERS - And another!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17CUPS SHATTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:19And another.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21And another.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh.
0:12:28 > 0:12:37See there. You ain't had a single cup yet, while I've had 3,004.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41And guess what? I ain't been to the toilet once.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45HIS STOMACH RUMBLES
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Oh!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51TRICKLING
0:12:51 > 0:12:52< Ah!
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Looks like I found my date for the evening. Are you ready, Sheriff?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Sure am, cockers, but give me a quick swig of your brew first.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- Let's go, then. - Hold on a second.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11TRICKLING
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- You really are a filthy dog! - Hang on, nearly finished!
0:13:15 > 0:13:20# That's what you get when you live In the Mild, Mild west... #
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Now, watching that drama has made me think.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Andy, why don't we act out our very own Coronation Street scene?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- Go on, then.- I'll portray the role of Royston Cropper.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- And you be Kirk. - Of course I can.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36And action.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Hi, Roy, can I have a ham roll, please?- I'm afraid we've none left.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- I'm sorry, Kirk. - What do you mean?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- We've not had a delivery this morning.- This is a cafe.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- You got to have a ham roll! - We've none left!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- Oh, no. It's all got a bit heated in there.- Get out of my shop!
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I'll distract the audience with the emergency film.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Pathetic!
0:13:56 > 0:14:01Ho-ho. Hello, my little owls.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Today's Derek Time is a human special.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08First, have a look at these golfers all making an illegal shot.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Now, it is one at a time, fellas.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Hold on, that's nine people on a golf course. That's crazy.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Crazy golf. Good shot though, lads. Well done, son.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Basketball star can't negotiate himself a new contract,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26because he's an otter. Look at him. What is he playing at?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Hold on, I wish I could do that. I can't even hold round things.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31And look at this chap.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34He fancies himself as the next Justin Bieber.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39Hold on a minute, hang on. I said a human special. That is not a human.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42It is quite clearly a Chihuahua! Ooh! Chihuahua!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It is now time for the best and main bit of Derek Time,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50I don't mind telling you, my little owls. Oh, yes, it's time for...
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Derek, have you seen my hair rollers?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55No, I've not see them, Mother.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57This back quiff is completely natural.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Why would I have seen your rollers? Ho-ho!
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Oh, that's enough from me, my old owls, see you soon! Ho-ho!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Quick, Lolly, it's the end of the tape.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10OK, everyone. On air in three, two, one.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I'm glad we've made up after our little ding-dong, aren't you?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Definitely.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I've been told that in real life you like a sing-song.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Is that true? - I give it a go every now and again.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Why don't you give us a blast of your favourite song?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# All you want to do Is ride around, Sally
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# Ride, Sally, ride Huh!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- # All you want... # - All right, Andy, don't drag it out.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39I don't want your entire album's worth. That was low quality, really.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43You've not got the voice like I've got. Hit it.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46# There's a place That's never boring
0:15:46 > 0:15:49# Where the residents Are always warring
0:15:49 > 0:15:52# There's a factory and a salon
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- # A corner shop and a cat - Meow!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# A house that's clad
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# In blue and yellow Owned by our Tyrone
0:16:01 > 0:16:02# A little fella
0:16:02 > 0:16:04# The viaduct's now a restaurant
0:16:04 > 0:16:07# And Steve McDonald wears hats
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# There's Rita
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# She runs the Kabin With her mate Norris
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# Who's always blabbing
0:16:14 > 0:16:18# About Gail McIntyre two doors down
0:16:18 > 0:16:21# The most miserable girl in town
0:16:21 > 0:16:22# Julie Carp
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# She's Eileen's sister
0:16:24 > 0:16:27# Nick Tilsley He's Leanne's mister
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# And don't forget Deirdre's big chain belts
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# On Coronation
0:16:33 > 0:16:35# Coronation
0:16:35 > 0:16:41# Down on good old Corrie Street... #
0:16:43 > 0:16:44What do you think, Andy?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Yeah, it was brilliant, but where was my mention?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I know. Yes. I only included the good ones.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Stay there, cockers,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54because there is more low-quality entertainment to come.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Larry, do th'honours.
0:16:56 > 0:17:02We've got thrills, spills and even more thrills and spills in store.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05There is a man in a cupboard.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08A shocking mix-up.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10That's not meat paste at all.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Agh!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- And we find out what the time is. - Is it boring o'clock?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20No, it's Hacker Time, so stay tuned.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Now on Hacker Time, I'm going to talk about some of my favourite
0:17:23 > 0:17:27otters from around the world. I once met this lovely otter from Hull.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- His name was Frank. - Oh, here comes Lolly.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Be cool, mate, you'll be fine.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43- Oh, all right?- All right, Lolly, yes. Enjoying the show, are you?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Well, yeah, it's got me thinking.
0:17:47 > 0:17:54- You know how in soaps when two people fancy each other?- Yeah.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59- But they can't quite admit their true feelings?- Yeah.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05And everyone watching at home knows they're really deeply in love?
0:18:05 > 0:18:11- Yeah, Lolly, yeah. I think I know what you're trying to say.- Yeah.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It's totally unrealistic, isn't it?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I mean, as if that would ever happen.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Now get out of my sight.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Oh. She... She...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24She spoke to me.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27She only went and spoke to me.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31And now, Hacker Time proudly presents
0:18:31 > 0:18:34the following factory sketch.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Oh, no, I'm short staffed.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40How am I going to manufacture all this meat paste?
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- All right, mate.- Who are you?- My name is Andy. I'm looking for a job.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Let's give you a one-day trial.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Can you spot any dangers on the factory floor?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53This big roller-skate shouldn't be lying around over here.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Exactly, it should be lying around over there instead.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- Now, no-one is going to trip on that, cocker.- Tea. Tea.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Oh!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Now, can you spot anything else?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Well, I'm sure this bear trap is a major safety hazard.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16- No, actually that's a major safety measure.- Oh!- Yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- We've got a bit of bear problem in here.- Help me!
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Oh!
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Don't be so melodramatic, Bev. And pick up these mugs off the floor.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Anyone could trip...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Agh! Ow!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33It's now time for the taste test.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Andrew, tell me what is in jar A.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39- Is it beef?- Correct.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42It is beef. Andrew, what is in jar B?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Chicken?- Correctomundo.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Right, jar C.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Oh, that's disgusting. I think I want to be sick.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I think there's been a little mix-up.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00That's not meat paste at all.
0:20:00 > 0:20:06- You don't mean...?- Yes. It's fish paste.- Agh!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Quick, Beverley, get this man a glass of water.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11SHE SHRIEKS
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Hopeless. Useless that. Never mind.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Let's see how you do in packing and distribution.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Some jars of meat paste will come out of those chutes.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27All you have to do is catch them and put them in boxes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:34- Catch the jars, put them in the box. Got it.- Right, stop the machines.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Andy, the meat paste this side. Quick!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Andy, that side now.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Oh, no. Stop the machines.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- How did I do?- How did you do?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Well, you broke dozens of jars of meat paste.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You know nothing about factory safety
0:20:53 > 0:21:00and you can't tell what fish paste is. You've got the job.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02In fact, I'm going to promote you
0:21:02 > 0:21:04to the head manager of the whole factory.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Does that mean I can fire anyone I like?- Course it does, cockers.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10In that case, you're fired.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I didn't think that through, did I?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Oh, well, at least I've got my health.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21No!
0:21:21 > 0:21:26This show is complete nonsense. Why are we even watching it?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I'm seeing what else is on.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Yes, indeed.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- No.- Listen to me, baby, OK.- Not Dev.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36SHRIEKING
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Yes, this is good.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Sorry I'm late and that, innit?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Josh, have you seen the time?
0:21:43 > 0:21:48No, is it boring o'clock? Ha ha.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Punctuality revisited.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53# Your attitude stinks You need to be on time
0:21:53 > 0:21:54# Want to succeed You got to toe the line
0:21:54 > 0:21:58# To stop your tutors being surly Don't be late, just be early
0:21:58 > 0:22:00# Last into class Hear your teacher shout
0:22:00 > 0:22:02# In the canteen All that's left is sprouts
0:22:02 > 0:22:03# Late to drama And your life is in a mess
0:22:03 > 0:22:06# Because the only thing left Is a little pink dress... #
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- I like it. - # To snooze is to lose
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# So don't be a fool
0:22:10 > 0:22:14# Being late is so not cool
0:22:14 > 0:22:17# Think how life would be With punctuality
0:22:17 > 0:22:19# I've got no watch
0:22:19 > 0:22:21# Don't wash with me
0:22:23 > 0:22:26# Missed PE Because I was down the shops
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# Buying a steak and few lamb chops
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# Missing a lesson where they taught us how to rhyme
0:22:30 > 0:22:32# The police would say it's a terrible offence
0:22:32 > 0:22:33# What if you missed French?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35# I was having tea with Dame Judi Dench
0:22:35 > 0:22:37# Don't really know why I'm always late
0:22:37 > 0:22:39# I can't tell the time or date
0:22:39 > 0:22:41# To snooze is to lose
0:22:41 > 0:22:43# So don't be a fool
0:22:43 > 0:22:47# Being late is so not cool
0:22:47 > 0:22:51# Think how life would be with punctuality
0:22:51 > 0:22:52# I've got no watch
0:22:52 > 0:22:57# Don't wash with me... #
0:22:57 > 0:23:01And now, the thrilling climax of today's show.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06The stupendous, the amazing, the magnificent quiz we like to call...
0:23:11 > 0:23:12What's In 'Em?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Yes, welcome to my quiz, Andrew.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Inside each of these lovely storage units lies a fun challenge
0:23:19 > 0:23:21and if you do well at said challenges,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23you might win yourself a holiday.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Are you ready?- I am.- Fantastic.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28In that case, let's crack on,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31because I'm sure everyone at home is waiting to find out...
0:23:33 > 0:23:34..what's in 'em.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Right, Andy. Time to pick your first storage unit.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I'm going to go for the lampshade.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Good choice. The side cabinet it is.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Lean across and open it with all the grace of a gazelle.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Fling it aloft, my cocker.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52This challenge is called What Is It?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Together, these two items form the name of a famous TV show.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58But what is it?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01As you can see, we've got a sandwich filled with Coronation chicken
0:24:01 > 0:24:03and a street.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Put them together and what do you get, Andy?- Coronation Street.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Sorry, no. It was the famous TV show Chicken Sandwich Road.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15I think they still show it on Dave Ja Vu.
0:24:15 > 0:24:21All right, Andy. Put the item down and shut that storage unit, cockers.
0:24:22 > 0:24:28- Now, Andy Whyment, choose your second storage unit.- The cake tin.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33Good choice. The wardrobe it is. Come on out, Accordion George.
0:24:33 > 0:24:39# It's Accordion George It's Accordion George... #
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Oh, George!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Andy Whyment, this is my old chum Accordion George.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Give him a nice big wave. Accy G, as I call him,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52is going to play a lovely tune on his accordion
0:24:52 > 0:24:54and you have got to guess what it is.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Take it away, Accy G.
0:24:56 > 0:25:02HE PLAYS THEME FROM EMMERDALE
0:25:07 > 0:25:09All right, George, that was perfect. A bit long.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14Next year, keep it shorter, Cocker. Andy, what was it?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I keep telling you I am off Coronation Street,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18but that was the theme tune from Emmerdale.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Let's find out if you were right.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23HE PLAYS THEME FROM EMMERDALE
0:25:23 > 0:25:25You were correct, Andy, well done.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28George, I told you to learn the Coronation Street theme tune.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Did you not get my text? He has no reception in that wardrobe.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Get back in your cupboard! Shut the doors.
0:25:34 > 0:25:40Fantastic. Cheers. It is now time to pick your final storage unit.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45- I will go for the phone.- Good choice, the hatbox it is.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Quickfire.- Let's go.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- Complete the name of the TV show, Coronation...- Street.- Correct.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- David Barlow wears glasses, true or false?- True.- correct.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00In episode 467 on 2nd June 1965,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- who did Florrie Lindley gave her favourite vase to?- Emily Bishop?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Correct! It was Nugent back then.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- Name a character in Coronation Street.- Tyrone?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- No, it was the cat. What is Weatherfield?- A place?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- No, it was a field with weather in it. Knock-knock!- Who is there?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18None of your business!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Keep out of it! What is a hotpot?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- Potatoes and meat.- What is a hotpot not?
0:26:22 > 0:26:27- I dunno.- Do you want some hotpot?- No. - Who are you?- Andy.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Who am I? What am I? Why am I? Why are we here? What is going on?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Why are we working? It is not right! That's it, perfect, time's up.
0:26:33 > 0:26:39- Thank you. How did he do, Derek? - I don't really know.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- That means only one thing. You have won the holiday.- Yay!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Yes, you are going on a week-long cruise on an industrial cargo boat!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- That sounds terrible.- It sounds fantastic, what do you reckon?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I don't want to go there.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- Herman, get him out of my sight. - Yes, Mr Hacker.- I don't want to go!
0:26:57 > 0:27:01That sounds terrible! I don't want to go on a cargo ship!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Ha-ha-ha, good 'un. That's your lot, cockers.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I am off to Audrey's salon to get my nails done.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10All that is left for me to do is sing my lovely little song.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13After all, I am contractually obliged. See you!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# I need the lav, love so I'm going to go
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# I'll see you next time on this show and mine
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# It's been amazing we've been larking around
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# The whole programme costs just under a pound
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Watch again next time because we've got much more
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# There will be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer
0:27:37 > 0:27:41# Andy Whyment was my guest He is the fella what plays Kirk
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# We had fun in my factory
0:27:43 > 0:27:47# Until the machinery decided to go berserk
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# That is it for now the end of the show
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# I need the lav, love so I'm going to go
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# I'll see you next time on this show and mine
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Listen to me, baby, OK?